Woman Crush Wednesday: Britney Spears, Forever Ever

I'm not going to pretend that this "Woman Crush Wednesday" thing is going to be a weekly deal, because let's be real -- I suck at consistency, and I also got a hybrid emotional reaction of bored and annoyed when I typed the phrase "Woman Crush Wednesday." So, let's just see how this goes.

I really just wanted to highlight some of the favorite times that my eyeballs have ever had, and most of them are courtesy of Mizz Britney Spears. Because if you can't get behind giant white tube socks and possible Sketchers Step Ups™ paired with hair so tousled it looks like that of a person dwelling with dinosaurs, then I don't even know what you stand for anymore. This is why my eyes exist. They live for this shit.

Now, shall we?

My absolute favorite Brit Brit is experienced in the times when she's being her true self, and homie is never more herself than when leaving a Starbucks. Would humans even know of Starbucks if it weren't for this angel among us? If they haven't given this woman a black card filled to the brim with a lifetime supply of free Frapps, then they are all a bunch of GD Jon Snows.

Here's my BFF demonstrating another reason I love her so much -- she doesn't have a clue how to wear clothes. It's adorable. It's like she's never seen any of the following: a magazine, a mannequin, another person, an American Girl doll, Winnie the Pooh (okay, maybe; he doesn't wear pants) or Fashion Plates. I hate when someone else dresses her. Like this:

Okay, I just lied right to your face, because I love this. I'm not a monster. Levi Strauss' ghost came through a portal from the spirit world just to witness this moment. (I'm assuming.)

The final reason BS is best -- she's like a glittery unicorn personified:

Sweet!

Colorful!

Literally glittery!

But honest with her emotions. Just like a unicorn.





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GUUUUUURL(s) Of The Day: Brendan Fraser And Martha Stewart Went Horseback Riding

Brendan Fraser came riding with me and muffin and betsy on sat . his horse freckles is the same horse he rides in Texas rising his new program on history channel

A photo posted by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on Jun 28, 2015 at 4:22pm PDT

In "Okay." news of the day, Martha Stewart shared with our pleb-y eyes that she and throwback dream dude Brendan Fraser went horseback riding together on horses with hair that's way more fancy than ours. Sounds...fun? Let's see what Brendan's horse thinks about this hodgepodge hangout.

I'm reading this as: luxurious and hating it.

We also gleaned from Martha's weirdly punctuated post that BF has a new show on the History Channel called "Texas rising," but probably "Texas Rising." Because I'm a professional (DON'T), I researched this show, and here is what B-boy's character looks like.

Brendan Fraser better get nominated for an Oscar. #TexasRising pic.twitter.com/c11tARay8t

— Andrew Laureno (@LaurenoClassic) May 26, 2015

Uhhhh...What?

GUUUUUURL.


story via buzzfeed



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My New Favorites

Here's a little compilation of everything I'm into right now. It's all over the spectrum, so hang onto your bonnet, Laura Ingalls Wilder.

P.S. Do I use LIW references too much? If yes, please pen me a letter on the first page of your copy of Little House on the Prairie.

If no, watch this gif one billion times.




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The Shade Of It All: The Kat Von D Shade + Light Eye Contour Palette

I have a confession -- I'm a sucka-ass sucka for a matte eyeshadow palette. Call me a basic bitch if you wish, but it's just my comfort zone. It's like sweatpants for my eyelids.

So, when the Kat Von D Shade + Light Eye Contour Palette came out a while ago, my brain got all tingly over that shit. It was like finding a pair of sweatpants that cup your butt cheeks just so. I wanted it. I needed it. I was a little too poor to buy it. But then I said eff this life and caved like woah. I'm more irresponsible with money than Lilo. ALLEGEDLY.

Side note: I've been watching an ungodly amount of RuPaul's Drag Race over the past week, so prepare your eyeballs for an onslaught of draggy gifs. Christmas (or Hanukkah or Shannen Doherty's birthday) came early this year.

This palette consists of twelve matte shadows. There are three bigguns on top, which are meant to be base colors. I only use the far left one as a base, because as you can see on the swatches, it's basically my skin. The others I use for blending, but do whatever works for you. I don't know your skin tone, honey.

The shadows are broken up into sections of neutrals (left), cools (center), and warms (right). It also comes with a little guide book deal, telling you how to achieve the look you want to work. I ignored it, because ain't nobody going to tell me nothing. I just want to slap some shit on my eyeballs.

I did some really quick and dirty looks using each section of shadows, starting with the warms.

These shadows are probably my favorite, because I'm just a warm person. (don't get sassy) The shadows are so pigmented and smooth that they're almost creamy (sorry).

I threw these shadows on the day that I bought the palette, and I hadn't even washed my face, so don't look for perfection here. I think you know better than that anyway.

The next day I played around with the cools.

Cool tones are kind of my least favorite in general, just because I prefer warm stuffs, but I actually ended up really liking these. That dark gray is really nice, because it has kind of a brown-y base instead of a blue. I'm pretty, pretty into it.

For the neutrals, I just added to the existing cool eye, so it's a little bit of a hot mess, but you can get the smokey gist of it. Excuse my damn beauty.

My least favorite shadow of the whole palette ended up being the dark neutral brown, just because it kind of had an assload of fallout. Not enough to keep me from using it ever, just something to keep in mind.

Bottom line, because I know you just said "eff it" and looked at the gifs, I really love this palette, just like every other KVD thing I've ever owned. Just add it to the pile, baby. Speaking of piles of product, I have to go wash all this schmutz off my face. I need to triple wash, like a bag of baby spinach.

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Stop The Charade (To Be Pronounced "Shah-Rhad"): You Will Be Watching Lifetime's "A Deadly Adoption"

Screw the sports whatevers of the world: start planning your MF-ing important watch parties now. Winter might already be here (RIP, RIP), but A DEADLY ADOPTION IS COMING.

If you're still pretending like you will not be partaking in this Will Ferrell/Kristen Wiig spoof-y Lifetime movie, you just quit your stunt queen maneuvers. You will be watching this.

The trailer assures us that all of the typical Lifetime movie bullshit (and by bullshit I mean magical) elements will be present: heaving pregnant bosoms, rich people, ripped martial photographs, annoying curly-haired children, boat-necked flowy tees, crazy women in nude wedges, white trash but hot boyfriends, and peering through door cracks. If you need more than that to entertain you, you must be Queen Elizabeth. If so, good day, ma'am.

This atrocious bit of genius premieres June 20 at 8pm on Lifetime, SO SET YOUR DAMN DVR, FOOL.






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Tipsy Tutorials: The World's Worst Smokey Eye

Well, some people asked for a new Tipsy Tutorial video, and boy did you ever get one. Enjoy my steep, steep decline. And if you've ever wondered what kind of drunk I am, apparently the answer is sad. Very, very sad.

Please just watch this glamorous person instead. I need a piece of burger.













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Caitlyn Jenner Is More Beautiful Than All Of Us

So proud of @Caitlyn_Jenner. #callmecaitlyn pic.twitter.com/V7hnqGtHR7

— The Advocate (@TheAdvocateMag) June 1, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner graced us with her glam gorgeousness for the first time today, and despite her looking roughly 209834098238 times prettier than me, I am thrilled. (I'm also pretty, pretty pleased that she looks so similar to the queen that is Jessica Lange.) Waiting 65 years to actually be on the outside the person you've always felt like on the inside is way too long, especially when she's as lovely and glamorous as this beautiful being.

Ugh, yes. So in love w #CallMeCaitlyn. She's killing it. Follow your heart, do what makes you happy💖 @Caitlyn_Jenner pic.twitter.com/MIyeWVrGC8

— Vanecia (@vaneciaruiz) June 1, 2015

I am of the opinion that I hope that one day this won't have to be big news, and that people can just be themselves from the time they traipse out of the damn womb. But for the time being, I'm so glad that this is such big news.

If an oldie-type that has never known a trans person, but loved the Bruce Jenner that was a badass Olympian, can crack their mind open a little more to accept and understand people that are different from themselves because of Caitlyn's public journey, I am 'bout it, 'bout it, regardless of her relation to a gaggle of Kardashians. And you can't deny the power of those sexy gams. That shit is a universal love language.

Happy Birthday, Caitlyn. You are even more gorgeous than I could have imagined.




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Who Would You Do: A Ranking Of Horror Movie Killers

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown

I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky 

There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger

Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers 

MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead

Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees

I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter 

What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman

This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill 

Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates 

Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys

Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Verdict: I will not make the obvious scream joke here. I WILL NOT.

Who would you do? Can this be a new ABC show?

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The Britney Spears "Pretty Girls" Music Video Is Here (Oh, and Wiggy Gardenia Is In It, Too)

Okay, so Wiggy Gardenia is actually my dog's stage name. Iggy Azalea is the one on this track, but I think Wiggy would have been a solid choice. Plus, she has a better acting range than Iggs.

We need to get real about this video. Brit Brit's weave situation changes THREE TIMES without so much as one outfit switch. Who in eff's sake was wig wrangling on this set? (My money is on either Jayden James or Daddy Spears.)

P.S. If that shot on the left isn't the cover of a late-'90s porn video, I know nothing about anything. 

I'm actually kind of into the Earth Girls are Easy vibe of the whole thing, but JESUS GOD, what are these speaking parts? No one should be talking in this shit. No one. Not even you, lavender lipstick and earrings/bang deal girl. No one.

But especially not Iggy. Her whole, "I can turteelaaay fux it fur yeeeeew," and also the, "Laht me call yewr fran," made my brain quit this bitch and fall out of my ear hole. I first typed whole, so you know that it's true. She sounds like a German person doing an impression of an Australian person doing a Valley Girl accent.

On a positive note, at least Brit was excited for her alien abduction.

Take me, too, aliens. Take me, too.

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The Beauty Products I'll Buy Until I Die

For my Allure Insider video this month, I decided to share the beauty products that I won't stop buying. You'll probably recognize a lot of them, but there might be some cats in there that I haven't spouted off about.

Some people on the ol' YouTubes noted that the Allure Insiders logo was covering the number of the amount of times I've purchased each item, so I transcribed it below, if you find yourself curious.

Neutrogena Cleanser: 4
Elta MD Sunscreen: 3
Latisse: 10-ish
Palmer’s Cocoa Butter: 50+
Jergens Foam: 100+ (probably)
St. Tropez: 10-ish
Batiste Dry Shampoo: 3
L’Oreal Mythic Oil Conditioner: 2
EuroNext Extensions: Unknown
MAC Studio Fix: 15 or so
Amazing Cosmetics Concealer: Probably 5
UD Primer Potion: 6-8
Maybelline Brow Pencils: Pshh, 30?
Model in a Bottle: At least 5





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Drugstore Darlings: Let's Chickity-Check Out NYC Expert Last Lip Color Matte

I love to be a cheap-ass whenever possible. Don't get me wrong, I'll spend that dough when necessary, but I love few things more than finding a pretty bomb drugstore beauty product. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S UNDER TWO FRIGGIN' DOLLARS, MAN.

So, when I got an email about these new NYC Expert Last Lip Color Matte deals, I begged them to send me a few and see what they were all about. BECAUSE I SAID UNDER TWO DOLLARS, YA FREAKS. This is quite exciting.

Quick note -- I apologize right of the bat that my arm swatch is not matched up with the lipstick tube lineup. It's annoying. Whaddadick. To make up for it, I offer this to you as a condolence:

I think it's a pretty fair trade.

Now, let's get on with the lipstick talk.

Here are the colors I received, applied on an acutal human mug. I really liked all of the shades quite a bit. I was a tad unsure on the mauve, maybe because my brain cells are opposed to the word mauve (thanks, 1992), but after seeing it in the picture, I actually like the pastel-iness of it.

This is a long-wear lipstick, and the formula is touted as a matte satin. Or maybe a satin matte. This is the one dispute I have with this guy. It's not matte. It's satin. Which is absolutely fine in my book of things that are fine, but it needs to be noted.

As far as the long-wear thing goes, it wears very nicely, and for a long time. It didn't feather or bleed at all. It's just not one of those eat/drink/makeout with a basketball team/smoke strawberry hookahs, and it won't come off, kind of long wears. It comes off on whatever you put your mouth upon (heh), but you're still left with plenty of lipstick. Just ask my swatched forearm.

Overall, if you're in need of a Pretty Ricky pretty lippie for UNDER TWO DAMN DOLLARS (okay, I guess you get it), with a satiny finish that wears like a dream, this baby is for you.

This is also for you.



Don't act like it's not. He like, "Look at me, I'm a big, dumb hooman thing."





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Adele Makes A Really Hot Dude

Thank you for the birthday wishes I had a wonderful time! I was my hero x #gottahavefaith pic.twitter.com/FMSPQPUGMD

— Adele (@OfficialAdele) May 6, 2015

I have to say that Adele is really covering all of the hot-ass bases for me here. I already think that regular, ol' everyday Adele is a major sexpot, but she really upped the sexy ante by dressing in drag as George Michael for her birthday, seeing as I have a well-documented thing for GM. (P.S. Reading the comments on that video still brings me some strange sense of delight and wonder. People are effed in the brain.)

Also, how does a bitch get invited to an Adele birthday party, because I want in. I can dress as any dude you want me to, Addie. David Arquette in Scream? You got it, dude. Donald Trump? Begrudgingly, but, sure. Jordan Catalano? Obviously. Shit, I'll even dress up as Brain Brian Krakow, if it suits you. I WANT IN.

Plus, it sounds like a much better time than this dumb party:



 I just got a Drakkar Noir contact headache from that bullshit. THANKS, BIEBS. EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT.






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Jamie Foxx Did A Weird Rendition Of The National Anthem This Weekend

Come with me on a short, non-magical mystery tour of Jamie Foxx (most '90s pseudonym ever, that's still in use) singing the National Anthem at that boxing thing this weekend. I say "boxing thing," because I didn't watch that shit. It's sports, which I avoid more than trips to the gynecologist.

You probably watched it. I feel like a lot of people did. But, did you truly absorb this performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner," or were you too effed up on Tostitos Scoops? I mean, it's not horrible. We don't have a Rosanne situation here. And I'm no singing expert...

but this just feels like so lounge singer-y. Listen, I loved "Blame It" and "Unpredictable" as much as the next annoying white girl in their 20s at the time, but why did this even happen? Was Mariah not available? Or even Mariah lite, I mean, Ariana Grande? Or even Eddie Murphy as Randy Watson? Give me something to work with, man.

On the positive side, please believe I'm going to start ending all of my sentences with "fallelujah -- deep pause -- hallelu..."

P.S. Someone please tell what the shit this jacket was all about. NO ZIPPER NEEDS TO BE THAT LARGE, SIR. So many pleather animals died to make that atrocity. RIP to all the plocodiles and plythons on the planet.

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It's Time For Another Chance To Win The Allure Sample Society Box

If you're in the mood to get some free ish, watch this video for your chance to win an April Allure Sample Society box. Then, click back over to the OG video and leave a comment. If you've got your lucky winning pants on, maybe you can cop one of these babies!





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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Seaweed Wrap

What happens when you slather yourself up with seaweed at the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa? Watch my latest installment of Outrageous Beauty to find out.





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(Possible) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Jamie Dornan's Facial Hair Situation

MET JAMIE DORNAN

A photo posted by Mehra Amiri (@mehraelle) on Apr 25, 2015 at 5:58am PDT

Hey, remember when I actually did shit like GUUUUUURL Of The Day on the regular? I barely do, too. Sorry for being an XXL POS. I'll send you an Edible Arrangement. (No, I won't, and you know it.)

I had to bring this mess back because we really need to talk about the sexual being that is Jamie Dornan and the possibly non-sexual accoutrement that's happening on his face. Maybe we should have a look from a different angle? Maybe that will somehow switch it from patchy and mustache-y to grown and sexy?

"Mr. Grey will see you now" Jamie Dornan is a sweetie 💙 xx

A photo posted by Tequin Greaver (@tequingreaver_) on Apr 25, 2015 at 6:02am PDT

Erm, okay. Listen, I'll take JD any ol' way (except as Christian Grey -- ick, nast), but this is making me feel nothing in my bathing suit area. Nothing.

Let's discuss. Am I going through a metamorphosis that's rendering me a dried-up prude? Or is this just decidedly in the "not cute" column? Help.

via buzzfeed




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My Favorite Dry Hair Treatment Is Cheap As Hell

I recently bought a semi-expensive-ass hair mask/treatment/thing (don't worry, I'll tell you all about it if it's magical), but I don't even know why the f I'm playing with my own money. My favorite hair treatment costs a few dollars. Also, you can eat it.

Don't start sending me cases of those "crazy pills" you can buy from Spencer's yet, I'm not scooping out handfuls of Herbal Essence and ramming it into my pie hole, or anything. But while you're at the mall, make sure you pop a couple bottles of Sun Ripened Raspberry body spray from Bath and Body Works for old time's sake. Pour out a little for your homie Teddy Ruxspin, and shit. Maybe even for cassette tapes, while you're at it.

What am I even talking about?

Olive oil -- I'm talking about GD olive oil as a treatment for dry-as-hell hair. Actually, send my those pills. I think I need them.

Here's how to get moisturized, shiny hair from your kitchen cabinet:

Just get whatever-the-hell olive oil you feel like using or have on hand. You don't have to use my bougie-ass organic stuff, it just has to be made from squished-up olives.

Then, if you have long hair, make a ponytail with your ol' thirsty hair at the crown of your head. I do this to avoid getting oil on my scalp, and making the oily mess of my roots even worse. This way you can target the dry ends of your mop really easily, and it saves a ton of time. (LAZIES 4LYFE.)

Next, start applying the oil. I start with a half-handful-ish amount and go from there. How much you'll need depends on the length/texture/whatever, you've been through this shit, of your hair. Use the amount that gets it nice and saturated and feels appropriate. You know how you do.

After you've reached the level of oiliness that you feel comfortable with, put your hair in a bun and let it marinate like a sexy chicken breast. (Do you marinate stuff in olive oil? How am I an adult?)

I let it do it's damn thing for at least 30 minutes. If you want, you can go longer, you can put it in a shower cap, you can add heat to help it penetrate (heh). Put it in a Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet for all I care, just let it sit for at least 30 minutes to work its magic.

After at least one Judy Judge episode, finish by shampooing and conditioning like you would on a regular day. You don't have to skip conditioner or your normal styling shit, you do your thing.

Here are the ultimate results:

Listen, this is as glossy and hydrated as my sad-sack, abused strands get. I have insanely hard water and have bleached/dyed my hair to hell and back, so this is the equivalent of a Rapunzel wig sprouting out of my head.

Not to mention, you probably already have olive oil in your kitchen. You really should, so you can make yourself a celebratory Caprese salad, or some shit, afterward.

Huzzah!




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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Game Of Thrones Khaleesi

Did you watch Game of Thrones the other night? Were you all, "the eff is going on?" or was it just me? There are so many damn characters on that show that I sometimes can't keep up.

One character I can keep up with is that gorgeous-ass Khaleesi. So, of course, I had to do a GoT hair and makeup tutorial inspired by her. Because I want to ride around on dragons. Or something.

Watch if you're so inclined. You know how I do.




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Sharpen Your Pitchforks, Here's My Beauty Confession: I Hate Contouring

This might piss you off, but I've held this in my mind prison long enough: I hate contouring.

Okay, maybe hate is a bit strong. But I'm extremely fed-up with it in encroaching on everyday life. And like most things in life, I blame Kim Kardashian for this entire thing.

Avoid a makeup fail like @KimKardashian with a little help from our #contouring tutorial video http://t.co/FDqQx8G3TY pic.twitter.com/SA6HYF9xDb
— InStyle UK (@instyle_UK) March 9, 2015

1. @KimKardashian who did your nose contour , it's ghastly 2. This is Deffo s lace wig lpl pic.twitter.com/3nGeZ6PaaY
— fleekyfaith (@Faith_Kadirah) March 9, 2015

Here she is, the Kontouring Kween, perfectly demonstrating one of my major issues with contouring your face -- it looks pretty shitty most of the time, when you're just walking around in your life buying Diet Cokes, or whatever. Because our faces are made of human skin, featuring boring stuff like oils and pores and other organ-y things. And when you aren't on a stage, or in a photoshoot, contouring usually looks one of three ways: like you didn't even do it, like it's screaming, "HEY, I CONTOURED MUH FACE," or like you just have dirt on your face. Pick your poison.

Why am I even talking (typing?) about this right now? Well, I have tried to wait for the contouring madness to die down, and just go about my life, but a ton of people that I love and care about are continually being affected by contouring. You might think I'm being hyperbolic right now, but here's a taste of contouring issues, just from the past month or so.

This first text is from someone that actually had contouring done by the man who is responsible for Kim K's contour. So, the utmost expert in their field.

Okay, so how about someone that tried it on themselves, just for something fun on a special occasion? Here's a text from another friend.

 

Hmmm, not great. Then I also get a lot of the following, where people are just like, "What the eff is even going on?!?"

Listen, you know me. I'm an NOT an anti-ass-load of makeup propagandist. I am firmly pro-ass-loads of makeup, in fact. There's just a time and place for concealing the actual shape of your facial features, and picking up a couple of delicious Blizzards from DQ is not necessarily it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR JAW/NOSE/CHEEK/FOREHEAD SHAPE, WORLD. But if you find yourself on stage as a Dolly Parton impersonator, contour away. Also, give me your number. I want to know you.

There are ways to look more rested, vibrant and like your face was gently swatted awake with a unicorn's treasure-filled tail beyond contouring, and they don't take a master's degree in blending to achieve. One of the best is Trish McEvoy's "triangle of light" method, which you can read about here. And all you need is a concealer that you probably already own.

If you want to add a little more glowy shit to your face, might I suggest bronzer? Just put it on the places where the sun would naturally hit: forehead, cheeks, a dab on the nose and chin. If you want to get fancy-ish, do the ol' three shape bronzer trick. That's it.

At the end of the day, you know I want you to do whatever the hell it is that makes you happy. But don't feel like you have to contour your face into an alien; you don't. It's not going to make you feel happier or extra famous. Just more makeup-y. Now, I'll get off my effing high horse and get back to posting constant gifs.

Thanks, Brit. We needed that.

You can send your hate emails to idontcare@blahwhateverblah.com.

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The Could-Have-Been-A-Snapchat Video Of The Day: Let's Do Fitness

This is what I did today. Watch if you're so inclined. If not, I totally understand. My life is bullshit.




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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Eyelash Extensions

If you have ever wondered what it's like to have eyelash extensions, but aren't really sure if they're for you or not, I've got your back. Watch my latest Allure Insiders video to see everything from the application to how to live your live with those eyeball wings.

Flutter on, baby.





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BREAKING NEWS: Britney Wears A Crop Top, Looks Like An Angel

She wouldn't be @britneyspears if she didn't wear a crop top to her son's soccer game. http://t.co/NwatMeDGUi pic.twitter.com/r9JBzSJaoB
— Yahoo Celebrity (@YahooCelebrity) March 16, 2015

Okay, so "breaking news" might be a bit of a stretch. This was a week ago, but have you met me? I'm the worst and also roughly 0.002% timely. But maybe you find it charming? (Insert that closed-eyed emoji thing. What is that thing supposed to rep, shame? It's what my dog does when she's embarrassed as f about pooping in the house, then just keeps pooping in the house, so I'll go with shame.)

Anyway, here's Britney Spears, warming all of our disgusting hearts with the warm sunshine of her awkwardly-cuffed jeans. If you don't love this woman after seeing her traipse around a GD soccer field with the plebs wearing probable Candie's™ wedges and sipping on a red Gatorade, then I don't even have words for your face anymore.

If you can't recognize a heavenly being walking among us like a damn episode of Touched by an Angel, then I must bid you good day, sir.

P.S. I was looking for a gif to insert here, as I am wont to due, when I came across this:

And I was all, "I love that. It's like I made it...myself. Oh, shit. I made that. Myself." Aaaaaaaand scene. Good day. I need some wine.







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Want To Win The March Allure Sample Society Box?

If you want to get your mitts on this month's Sample Society box, first watch this video. (Don't worry, I tried to keep it short.) Then go read all the rules and such and leave comment on the OG YouTube video.

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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Madonna's "Ray Of Light"

Madonna's latest album came out last week, so I had to celebrate in the only way that I know how; with a hair and makeup ode to the queen.

If you're into Madonna in her "Ray of Light" years (see what I did there?), check this out.



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Tipsy Tutorials: Classic Beauty Look

This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done. (I got tipsy and made a makeup tutorial, if that wasn't clear.) Watch at your own braincell risk, man.

Then watch this.

Because I'm sorry and shit.








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