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Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts

Monday, November 17, 2014

Sorry Beyoncé (And Tina And The Dad), Solange Is The Best Knowles



I'mma let you finish Beyoncé (no, I'm not), but Solange is the best Knowles of all time. I know that you may want to fight me on this. Or maybe you don't care. Or maybe you only know SK from that elevator shit. BUT SHE IS THE BEST.

If you don't believe me, check out this video of Solange performing a choreographed dance with her adorable son Julez at her wedding this weekend. Don't act like you aren't putting that dress on your Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus list this year.

And if that dress isn't bomb enough for you, SHE WORE MULTIPLE CAPES for her wedding festivities. Not to mention her double golden cuffs and hair perfection. Finding Yoncé in those pictures is almost like trying to find a hidden whatever in a Highlights magazine. All eyes on Solange.


Oh, and this:



I rest my case, your honor.



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Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Butt-Themed Weekend Anthem You've Been Waiting On



I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.

I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.


When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.

P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.

P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).




ass song via reddit

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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Oh, Hell Naw News Of The Day: Ariana Grande Is Remaking "The Boy Is Mine"

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on


This is the face of a person that thinks that they are above the Brandy/Monica laws of nature. I think not, ponytail! Ariana Grande and Jessie J ARE REMAKING "THE BOY IS MINE" AND EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.



Ariana Grande is one of those people that seems to be just a general annoyance to me. I don't know what it is, I really have nothing to base these feelings upon, it's just a thing. Like an orange. It's just something that exists.

But this has crossed the MF-ing line into something that is personal to me. "The Boy Is Mine" is one of my songs. It came out in 1998, which was my junior year of high school. (Save the comments for your mom-ments, I don't want to hear about my elderly nature.) My friend Jodell and I learned all of the lyrics, and would play each part (I think I was Monica) and sing our faces off, long-ass acrylic nails waving in the air while we drove around in her teal Eagle something-or-other. (RIP Eagle something-or-others.) Here's a visual, so you can imagine me during that era:


Try not to jump off the nearest bridge in a fit of jealousy. You can clearly see why I don't want this time in my life tarnished by the likes of an Ariana Grande and her clip-on ponytail. Has Ariana Grande ever worn a Contempo Casuals sheer button-up top while driving around in her Honda Civic that she worked overtime hours for so she could get the gold accessories package? I think not. Homie didn't even live in a time before flat irons. I mean, look at my hair in that picture. Those are hardships.

I DO NOT co-sign this tom foolery. Leave the OGs to their OG-ing, Grande.


via vulture/my friend Kelly with the tip-off


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Monday, November 10, 2014

If You Can't Get Too Many Cooks Out Of Your Head, Here's Your Antidote



This is such a friggin' confusing piece of fine art. These British (???) people seem to have only heard of three fast food places. Nary a Taco Bell in Europe, I guess.

And they're talking about sex times, yet the dancing dog with the Jem makeup makes me think that your latest ringtone is for children. But the ass-slapping while singing about sauce and the "I'm coming back for more...HOTDOG!" makes me hope this is really not for juveniles. And I don't even want to know what "let's eat to the beat" means.


I just need to know which life-size My Buddy Special S&M Edition™dolls these three yanked those outfits from. I need to see everyone's receipts.

P.S. If you clicked there to buy the album, I can't talk to you anymore.

P.P.S. If you would now like to reinstall Too Many Cooks back into your brain after this hot mess express, you can watch my jankety remake here.

P.P.P.S. If you don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, get on everyone's level.


via reddit


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Friday, August 22, 2014

Fire Up The Karaoke Machine, Here's Your New Anthem



So the actual lyrics for this song are NSFW like woah, but feel free to bump this loud and proud at any and all locations, because no one will even know that dude is saying eff 3485928340kjafldskj times. I mean, when the vocals get layered at 1:44, every other singer in the world can take one billion seats, because it's all just too perfect. Andrew Lee has the voice of an angel, if angels sang by sucking their voices back into their bodies.

And you can't ask for better background visuals than these. Frogs? Check. Soccer ball? Done. Andrew Lee on Andrew Lee? Obvs. A cat in an Admiral's outfit? Doy. Friends credits? Don't be basic -- of course.

If you're in the market for something a little more groovy that you can really dance to, you're in luck. Welcome to "Body Heat," where the going always gets hot.



Are the kids clipping pens into their unruly, yet luxurious, bangs and jamming in front of ironing boards now? Is that the hot new trend? I'm so MF-ing glad that YouTube wasn't around when I was a teenager/young adult/whatever age is happening here. Thank you, technology gods.


Fireworks and champagne all around for being an old bitch.




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Monday, July 28, 2014

WTF Music Monday: International Edition

Here we are again, mofos. It's Monday, and we all hate our lives. But don't worry that pretty little noggin, I'm here to jump start the week in the very best way that I know how -- with awesomely shitty music.


First up, is a jam from Eastern Europe. Watch the video and we'll discuss afterward. (P.S. I'll high five the shit out of you if you can make it all the way through this one.)



What was that? It's like the Russian (???) version of "Gangnam Style, " with extra highlighting eyeshadow. And bedazzled headbands as sunglasses. And chandelier accoutrements as headbands.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened, but whoever told homie that licking that lollypop like that was cute was a damned liar. That person is not your friend. Add the d-bag that sold you those Paris Hilton colored contacts to the list of your non-friends, too.

This isn't even the end of the fun(ish) times today, you guys. I also found this adorably mustachioed Indian man auto-tuning his little heart out in this piece of musical perfection.



I MF-ing love this song. I like to imagine that it's this dude's take on Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," but with extra EXTRA sound effects and air drums. The lyrics are more magical than a gif of a kitten riding a unicorn, which I couldn't find, but I did find this:


Let's just flesh out some of the amazingness of this man's words:
  • It's my life, whom I want to leave oooo....oooo....oooo
  • A friend of mine said I'm a waste fellow, he don't know the taste of this fellow.
  • I always search for good in bad, I also search for bad in good. I am a very good bad boy.
  • I am a brain eater...
  • I am a smart cheater...
  • I am a back bencher...
  • I am a kids lover...
  • I am very anger...I know it's very danger
You could really put any of those quotes on a watercolor background and have a hell of an inspirational Instagram post.


The moral of the story? "If you don't like anyone, live alone." And also, "Don't believe me...I am a true lier." Annnnnd scene.


Yep, pretty much. Happy Monday!

via reddit's "crappy music"


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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

List Of Things I Can't Deal With Today: Paris Hilton's New Video For "Come Alive." End Of List.



Listen, P. We're pretty much in our mid-thirties, you and I. You are still very pretty and gamine and all of that jazz, but the floating-on-cotton-candy-while-coyly-spouting-sexual-innuendo-in-an-autotuned-baby-voice ship has sailed. Like, a solid ten years ago. It's time to move on from the Princess Baby strokes a unicorn pastures. And that's okay.

We're now the "gross old people" in the club. That's why I don't go to them anymore. (That, and rap music is not danceable anymore. I miss "In the Club" in the club. Or shaking it like a Polaroid picture.) Remember how much you made fun of those people?** That's us now. So stop trying to make club bangers happen.


Maybe it's time to take up something a tad bit more mature and less like what would come up if you googled, "what would a Lisa Frank porn set look like?" It's cool to let it go, Paris. It's not so bad. Remember how gross the early aughts were anyway? It was all dangly Playboy Bunny bellybutton rings and pointy-toed two-inch heels. You don't want to keep reliving that bullshit.

So let's take out those colored contacts and go get some tea. And maybe go to a bookstore, or something. It's time.



**The first time I went to a bar or club after graduating from college and moving to a non-college town, I literally said, "Why are all of these old people here? Gross."


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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Happy (Almost) 4th Of July, Here's Your Anthem



Listen, I know that this is fake as shit. And annoying. She's the Latina, modern-day this girl.


But I still can't help recklessly loving this song. Who doesn't love a GD pool noodle? Or have hopes and dreams of walking home with an empanada? And she cleared out Party City's flag paraphernalia section, so we owe it to America to be supportive.


Enjoy your holiday, Americans. If I don't hear you bumping this anthem at least once, I will steal all of your Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and drink them right up in your face. Then drive home, because my blood alcohol level will be 0.0000000004%.

via popsugar

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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mug Makeover: Gwen Stefani Edition

The other day I was reading this article over at Refinery29, and came across this bomb picture of Gwen Stefani. It was like watching Jonathan Brandis (RIP) in Ladybugs** -- I fell in love all over again. GS is usually looking consistently fly, so it's not like I expected anything different from her ass, but I feel like this makeup look is slightly different from her regular deal and I wanted that shit on my face immediately.

pic via refinery29
I've recreated it below in a few easy steps, so read on, reader, if you want Gwennie's glorious face on your face. (Without getting all Buffalo Bill-y and illegal.)


P.S. I would (almost but not quite) literally kill for that kimono.

I started with the eyes, which are really pretty simple and low key, with a touch of shimmer. (But NOT glitter, the nemesis of soul windows everywhere.) I'm using the Lorac Starry-Eyed Baked Eye Shadow Trio in Pro Star, which I can't friggin' find anywhere, but this Superstar palette ($27) is super-similar.


Start by applying a shimmery brown shadow from the crease to the lash line.


Follow up by using a light bronze-y eyeshadow in the crease and also on the bottom lash line.


Next apply some black liner on the upper lash line only. I'm pretty ride-or-die liquid liner in this situation, but live your life and use whatever eyeliner you like. I used the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er Precision Pen Waterproof Eyeliner ($30) because I LOVE THAT SHIT.


Finish off with a powerful mascara, because Gwen's lashes be bangin' in this face case. I'm using Rimmel Scandaleyes Rockin' Curves Mascara ($6.99), that CVS Beauty Club so kindly sent me to sample, along with the Rimmel lipstick that I use in a hot minute. The mascara is actually pretty boss. It makes my lashes seem as long as a Real Housewives Reunion show, parts one through seven, but 309485% less boring.


For lips, I started by lining with MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Lip Waterproof Lipliner Pencil in Bright Baby Pink ($19), because it's just what I happened to have lying around. Once again, use what you wish, but definitely use a liner with a bright lip like this to prevent that rude bitch, lipstick feathering.


The last step is to throw on a bright reddish-pink lipstick, like Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in As You Want Victoria ($6.99). I really enjoy the shade of this 'stick, but I had to get used to the moisturizing aspect. I'm usually more of a matte lip kind of mofo, so I had to do some reapplying as the hours ticked by. But the formula feels like a dream, so it's worth the extra seconds of reapply time.


That's it, here's the finished product. I might not look as much like a flawless creamy-skinned elf as Gwen, but I'm completely into this face.


What do you guys think? Are you into Mizz Gwen's look? You don't even know how hard I had to fight against making a "Hella Good" reference here, so tell your brains "you're welcome" for the reprieve from my typical terrible puns.

** I used to carry around a folded-up pictures of Jonathan Brandis in my pocket in Elementary school. I was an avid reader of Tiger Beat, Big Bopper, et al, and I would rip out pictures of JB and carry them until they pretty much deteriorated into ransom-letter-like scraps.



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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Let's "No Thanks," All Over Robin Thicke's New Video For "Get Her Back"



Robin Thicke's first ballad from his album, which is an ode to his estranged wife Paula Patton, is out. And it's a doozy. The song, creatively titled "Get Her Back," is pretty much the musical version of an annoying letter written on the back of a 9th grade Biology syllabus from your "boyfriend" that you broke up with over square cafeteria pizza.


This whole thing is weird to me. I really don't give any effs what people want to do in their personal lives, much less the boundaries of their marriages or whatever boringness, but if your wife has had just about enough of your bullshit, I really doubt that this mess is helping the situation. At all.

I have a hard time believing that PP saw this video and was all, "Oh, you're sharing our personal (or pseudo-personal) text conversations with blood and/or lipstick smeared on your face, while screaming silently into a watery oblivion? Let's get back together!"


You better start using those tears for lube, bro, because I think that this whole deal is going nowhere fast.




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Saturday, May 17, 2014

Well, Earth, It's Time To Pack It In: It's "The Plastics" Video That We Never Asked For



So, I'm about a week too late on talking about this masterpiece of mess, but c'est la vie or whatever. If you've been caught unawares on the shit you just witnessed, this is the newly-formed "band" called The Plastics. This wildly talented crew is comprised of the 33 year old dude that wants to look like Biebs and the homegirls that fancy themselves Jennifer Lawrence and Madonna.

Here's my take on this literal bullshit: I don't give half an eff what you do to your face and body. If you want to spend 100k on plastic surgery and plop a straw-like bowl cut on your dome, do it. It's your life and crazy face. YOLO-alter your face into an actual b-hole, I don't care. It's none of my GD business. Thanks, Salt-n-Pepa.

But you know what is my business? These mofos committing assault and battery on my eardrums with their auto-tuned effery. This is (OF COURSE) brought to you/written by that dude that made the Tan Mom song. Can someone on this planet please hire that guy to do ANYTHING ELSE but make these videos? Closet organizer? Dress sock quality control tester? Denim jacket bedazzler? Professional vajazzler? Anything. This has to stop.

And I have more important shit to focus on.

via realitytvgifs
P.S. Is it possible that Fakestin Bieber's pants are actually worse than the real deal's pantaloons? Too close to call.


Thanks to Amber for the heads up on this crap.


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Thursday, May 8, 2014

TGIMF(Almost)F! Let's Get Down With This Jam.



Sometimes you just have to jam the eff out, because it's (soon to be) Friday night and you feel alright. So you put on your super-slimming, black Mandarin collared shit shirt, fluff your hair bang wave and hit the town in downtown(ish) Minneapolis, or wherever. Major. Nothing says Friday night jam sesh like everything that happens after 1:11 in this video.


I would polish this dude's Napoleon Dynamite spectacles all night long. Take me away to Oasis Karaoke, mofos!






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Monday, April 28, 2014

I'm Too Old For This World Music Monday: Cody Simpson's "Surfboard"



I don't know who this kid is. If I was forced to wager a guess, I would say that it's the test tube creation of Spencer Pratt and Puck from Real World: San Francisco. But, I do know that the video vixen (Are the kids still saying that? No? Where's Nelly?) is Yolanda's daughter, of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame. So there, mf-ers! I've only got one foot in the oldie grave!

Is this a complete song derived from that one lyric in Beyoncé's song? Is that how we're coming up with content now? I didn't know that I could take a line from, like, "Who Let the Dogs Out" and just make a whole song about it. Seems kind of shitty in terms of songwriting, but what do I know? Not much.


Also, are we just putting all songs inside of one song now? Or did I just listen to this baby Max Headroom's entire album smooshed together in a three minute bundle?

Help me children, WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

Love,
Gam Gam Shan


P.S. Send more Werther's.







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Sunday, April 13, 2014

Nick Carter Gets Married, Looks...Different.

pic via intouch
Apparently Nick Carter (of Backstreet Boys, you animal!) married this person yesterday. Is that what they wore to their wedding? Or was this some kind of paid-after-wedding-club-appearance? Oh, who gives a shit. We've got bigger fish to fry...Like Nicky's face happenings.

Listen, we're all getting to be old mofos. NC and I are about the same age, so I feel you, dude. But it's not even that he's looking decrepit in the mug, so much, just different. Like Ryan Seacrest and an attractive, yet hairless, cartoon wolverine had a baby.


Also, what kind of insane in the membrane bitch am I that I'm really irritated by the cake? The "Nick" should be on the black part and the "Lauren" should be on the pink, and they should be standing on their respective sides. GET YOUR DAMN LIVES TOGETHER. Unless...it shouldn't? I fancy myself a progressive person. Do whatever, Backstreet Boys alums. I can't be bothered.



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Monday, March 17, 2014

Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham Has A New Music Video Called "Blowin," And It's About Breezes, Or Something, YOU SICK EFFS.



I'm going to be honest. I have zero friggin' clues what this song is even about. I can really only make out the following things: cele-bruh-dee, friend requestin', stars, and getting air. Wait, is this a fan fiction about White Men Can't Jump? P.S. You can't name your song "Blowin" if you've done porn stuffs. It's an unwritten rule in humanity.


I love when this low-rent shit says, "Official Video," like Meryl Streep made an unofficial video, and Farrah doesn't want anyone to be confused. Also, why is your child in this video? The rest of it is drinking with alleged "fans" and writhing about next to a barn prison door, so I don't really see a need to bring children of the world into this mess. But let's not forget the best part:


Dancing in her twitter avatar box thingy! Homegirl, you are not Alice from The Brady Bunch.


I've had about enough.



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Friday, March 14, 2014

Let's Talk About Lady Gaga As Of Late.



Lady Gaga performed last night at SXSW (where a girl threw up on her for "art" purposes), and followed up the gig by making an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. After watching this interview, I'm feeling really torn about how I feel about Gaga at this point. I think she's super talented, and I feel like she actually has a sense of humor about herself, but something is bothering me. And it's not the vomit. Or the coffee filter dress. Or the pedicab leotard/fanny pack combo.


What is happening with her voice? It's like she's doing a weird Paris Hilton-esque baby affect, and I can't get behind that. I don't recall this being her typical voice, really, ever. Is she just trying something out, like the Madonna British thing? Maybe she had some dental work done? Maybe it's coffee filter reverb? Whatever the case, I hope this shit's not permanent. No one likes a sexy baby.


And speaking of lady pop angels that live on earth, if you've been wondering what Brit Brit has been up to (OF COURSE YOU HAVE), here's your answer.

via us magazine
She's trying out for Silver Linings 2: Metallic Bugaloo. Or roasting delicious new potatoes in there. Either way, she's perfect.






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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I Found My People: Grumpy British Oldies Forced To Listen To Pharrell's "Happy," Promptly Hate It.



I have to say something that probably goes against current popular opinion. I hate Pharrell's "Happy." It's like musical version of some bag of b-holes telling you to smile. Don't tell me when to smile.


So power blasting a song telling me to be happy doesn't, in fact, make me feel happy. It makes me wonder when the shit it's going to end. Like this guy:


I feel you, sir. If people still wore watches, I would totally be looking at mine right now. But ol' timepiece isn't even my favorite elderly person in this video. I found my not-down-ass soulmate:


He's surly as eff, enjoys a pink shirt, can't clap two hands together, and is somewhat androgynous, as old people are wont to be. This man is perfect. I want to binge-watch a Columbo marathon with him.


Oh, and screw this guy. (Figuratively, of course.) You know what actually makes me happy? This:

)


happy video via buzzfeed Pin It

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The 5 Best Places To Wear The Upcoming Lorde For MAC Cosmetics Collabo

face chart via nymag's the cut
Are the kids still saying "collabo?" Nope? Great. You might have heard that Lorde and MAC are releasing a limited-edition line of makeup, much like Rihanna and whoever else that I don't feel like googling, in the past. There aren't a ton of detail on what kind of products will be included, but I'm pretty sure that we can expect some kind of dark and lovely lipsticks that evoke feelings of witch covens and ripped fishnets from this shit. So, AKA, I can't wait. I'm also hoping from some dramatic brow realness from this line, but we'll see when it debuts June 5th.


In anticipation of this vampy-ass goodness, let's discuss the best places to don our Lorde-y faces while we roam this earth.

#1 -- A stiletto nail salon.


#2 -- A Stevie Nicks Dress Warehouse, if that existed.


#3 -- A Rebecca Gayheart hair flip off, also, if that existed.


#4 -- An AHS: Coven viewing party, obviously.


#5 -- To visit the Royals, or just Prince Sexy Pants Harry.


The best place to not wear your new high-end goth-esque face? A Taylor Swift tea party at her New England beach house.


 You know she'd be all, "OMG, you're so random. I can't even deal," and write a song called "Passive Aggressive Burgundy Lips" about you.

Are you guys into this makeup collaboration? Or will I be the only one dragging my old ass out to stock up on undead lady lipsticks?







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