Showing posts with label Dudes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dudes. Show all posts

Friday, September 26, 2014

Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)

Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:

Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
Step two: This.

Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.

Annnnnnd scene.

If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

There's only one exception.

Okay, two exceptions.

If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.

via reddit

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Friday, September 5, 2014

Middle School Humor With Matthew Crawley (Or Dan Stevens, If You're Nasty)

Please watch this morning show host ask Matthew Crawley if he "had to beat off a lot of American men" to get his latest part in the movie The Guest. Homegirl does not get what might be funny about this shit AT ALL, and even repeats herself, causing MC/DS to throw himself a little giggle fest.

Because I'm mentally a twelve year old boy, this makes me laugh every time I watch it. HJ/handy humor never gets old. Thank you for all that you do, British ladies.

P.S. Dan Stevens is looking super-svelte and sexual these days, non? Nooooice.

via jezebel

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Orlando Bloom Acts For The People Of Earth And Tries To Punch Justin Bieber

This picture is completely unrelated, but I found it really humorous that Justin Bieber and his friend are wearing not only matching shorts and topless-ness, but also identical underwear. Twinsies!

I was scrolling through Instagram last night, and I came across a picture of Miranda Kerr that Biebs had posted. (YES, I FOLLOW HIM. I HATE MYSELF.) That little twerpy derp has since taken it down, but I thought it was kind of weird. But now it all makes sense after waking up to this pretty MF-ing amazing story about Orlando Bloom trying to put his delicate hands across JB's smug mug.

And there's a Swedish video of this. WITH SLOWMO. Let's watch and laugh together.

These two apparently got wild for the night, f being polite, over Baby B maybe doing sex stuffs with Miranda Kerr (BRB vomiting until my jaw falls off) and possibly  Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez a few months ago. Whatever the case, we can all thank Yeezus that SOMEBODY finally attempted to spank this toddler. Even if it was Orlando Bloom, who I could probably beat up quickly and efficiently, and seems like he bathes in rose water with a splash of honey. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still firmly in the "would do" camp, he just doesn't seem like the punch shit type.)

After the misfired punch goes down, Bieber apparently screams, "What's up, bitch?" while his security team attempts to contain their giggles, I'm sure. Sounds like it's time for somebody's nap nap. This is all just definitive proof that humans need to stop f-ing Justin Bieber. Ever.

UPDATE: Baby Biebs just posted this to his Instagram. Someone take his damn LeapFrog away.

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Monday, June 30, 2014

Hot Dude Dance Off: Prince Harry vs Zac Efron

First, we have the sexual ginger candy that is Prince Harry. PH definitely wins the cute points by dancing with adorable kids at a Chilean children's home. I feel like Hars is just getting more and more attractive as he ages. It's like he's the reverse Prince William. (Sorry for that burn, lil' Willy style.)

He loses points on the ACTUAL dancing, but he's with kids. It's not like he can be all Genuwine "Pony"-ing all over the youth of Chile. But even his clapping is sub-par and whiter than the purest white chocolate sauce. Yet, still hot.

Get it? Like, he's a redhead, too, so fire...My apologies.

Then there's Zac. I always forget that homeboy is a great dancer. Maybe because I've never seen High School Musical. But he is.

Plus, we know what he's working with under that slinky top. We see you, Efs. We see you.

So who are you guys feeling more? Yeezus, don't me me choose.

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Monday, June 9, 2014

Nic Cage Wore A CRAZY ASS Outfit To A Guns N' Roses Concert

via gnr's facebook

Nicolas Cage showed up to a GNR concert wearing this insane shit this weekend. Just soak it all in for a moment. Oh, and Andrew Dice Clay was also in attendance, because of course.

Maybe we should get a closer look at all of this effery. And, yes, that's Nic Cage's meme face on Nic Cage's shirt.

Here's a checklist of what we're dealing with here:
  1. An Ann Taylor Loft blazer
  2. A well-formed cowboy hat
  3. Henry VIII's hand jewels and cane thing
  4. Sunglasses inside
  5. All of your gam gam's "fancy" necklaces at once
  6. A possible holster/fringed chaps (assless-ness unknown)
  8. Red wine teeth (I'm assuming)
This is what this outfit just did to my eyeballs:

Thanks, outfit.

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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

If You Always Wanted To See Bradley Cooper's (Almost) B-Hole, This Is Your Chance

via eonline
Listen, I'm not in the game of offending military people. I'm in the game of rude ass-ing every other person's life, really. But I have to ask this -- is this the regular shorts attire of actual Navy Seals? Because that is the character that B Coops is portraying in this sassy (literal) ass picture from the set of his new movie, American Sniper, and it's causing me to not even really know what to think right now. Except that we need to see what kind of business is happening in the front.

via eonline
 Oh. I mean...I actually don't even know what to say right now. At all. Or how I feel. Am I like:

Or all:

On one hand, I wore shorts of this exact length in my sluttiest of slut days. On the other, they look like toddler apparel. On a third alien hand, Bradley Cooper is usually pretty hot.

I think I'm having some kind of sensory overload-induced brain malfunction. Tell me how to live.

P.S. You're welcome for bringing you this instead of that bag o' dicks-filled Bieber video.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Jude Law Auditions For Yesterday's "Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday," Doesn't Quite Make The Topless Cut

I know you're all, "It's Wednesday, ya' dumb dumb," right now, because I'm talking TOFTBT on a non-Tuesday...day. But I couldn't let these photos of Jude Law's teddy bear moobs just wander by my eyeballs without comment. That ain't me, babe. And I was going to post these last night, but then I drank a glass of wine and got a case of "forgot to do shits." Whatever, let's see more skin.

Ugh, Jude is such a dude. He doesn't even know how to squeeze citrus/bend over in a slutty top without showing off all the cookies.

A few general observations here:
  1. I would wear this entire outfit.
  2. It's kind of adorable that he wanted to wear his brand new freakum tee to shop for produce. (Look at the sharpness of that sleeve pleat. This top is fresh out the shopping bag.)
  3. Is he doing the "use your arms to push your tatas together" trick in the last picture? DOES HE KNOW ALL OF OUR LADY SECRETS?
Sorry, Jude. You just barely missed out on TOFTBT. If only that deep ass v was a little deeper. Better luck next time!

I'm still using the gif. I can't NOT.

all Jude pics via buzzfeed

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Sunday, May 4, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: Adam Levine Now Has Gwen Stefani Hair

via AL's twitter
No, this ain't no hollaback girl, sadly, it's Adam Levine and his new head rug. Yeezus, take the wheel. After resting my eyeballs on this, I think that we can all now officially calm our tits on the great debate over whether Adam Levine is hot in a skeeze way or not. This cat's face speaks volumes on the "Would you still?" topic. You can just feel the "eff no" in the windows to his soul.

It seems like when AL bleached his hair to Courtney Stodden on the color scale, and it really brought out the douche in his bone structure. What makes it worse is that he's totally got his "I look super hot right now" face on in the picture, but for me it's reading more "I live in a basement with mannequins."

What do you guys think? Am I being a super bitch? Is this actually hot? Tell how me to live.

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Thursday, May 1, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro

There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.

Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

via realitytvgifs
Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.

via buzzfeed

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Monday, April 21, 2014

We Can All Reaffirm Our Love For Jon Hamm, As He Pretty Much Says That The Biebs Is Terrible.

via men's fitness
Our sexy as eff boyfriend Jon Hamm has a cover spread (heh) for Men's Fitness this month, and it sadly doesn't feature his very best asset. But, he totally made up for it when he slayed Bieber's ass in the interview with the magazine. Via Buzzfeed:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the f**k, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, sh**head!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just s**t you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just s**t you needed to learn in life.”

Jon sounds like a straight up crotchety old man, and I'm about that life. Put on a Mr. Rogers sweater and let's get bout it bout it. Okay, this is getting gross. BUT LEARN HOW TO WASH A DAMN DISH, JB. LEARN IT. Jon Hamm and I stand in a united front, as usual. Except for the time that he said to stop talking about his man area. Non-united with that shit. I'll probably start a MySpace page for it. So THERE, Jon Hamm. I TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

I'm sorry I'm so yell-y. I had one drink. You can see why everyone hates me.

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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day (And Also) Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Nick Cannon's Dumb Effing Hair (Topless)

Nick Cannon is really annoying me, you guys. He's one of those people that I have never really gotten on board with comedy-wise, acting-wise, music-wise, or anything else-wise, so I just kind of overlook him. Like the cheese daily serving section of the food pyramid. (GD-it, I love cheese.)

BUT THIS BULLSHIT CANNOT BE IGNORED, AND I'M IRRITATED. What kind of nonsense is Nick Cannon trying to pull on his head area here? I am not exaggerating when I say that my raver friend did this to his hair in the late 90s. Dude is 15 years late and a box of chocolate brown hair dye short. Please do yourself a disservice and look at this pic from US Weekly of him showing off his dumb hair. This is ridiculous.

At least he had the common decency to take his damn top off in the second Instagram pic. Not all is lost I guess, because I get to be extra super lazy and combine two posts into one.

Congratulations, Mr. Cannon-Carey. You're the Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday recipient, so there's...that. I need to go eat cheese.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

It's What You've Been Missing In Your Life: The Sexy Ass Jared Leto Hair Tutorial

via gq.com
Oscars night was the straw that broke the sexy-haired camel's back. I had coveted Jared Leto's hair for the last damn time. So, I have created a tutorial for Leto's look. Now all of our head hairs can look like a flawless man's mane. Or something.

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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Homeboy From Felicity Is Getting Nakey To Sell Your Ass Some Towels

via people
Remember Scott Foley? I know him from Felicity, with a dash of True Blood and a side of Jen Garner, but he's also apparently on Scandal, which I have never seen. (I know, I know, I'm a gigantor a-hole for not watching it. I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING HORRIBLE REALITY TV. I HAVE PRIORITIES.) However you know his ass, Scott's latest gig is schilling towels and sheets to, I'm assuming, mofos that are into topless guys, with a company called Charisma. (Please let Charisma Carpenter own this company.)

I'm not familiar with this brand because I buy my sh*t (linens, if you're fancy) from Target and TJ Maxx clearance sections, and I'm not about that life. So, instead, let's just focus on the semi-nakey dude times.

Okay, okay. He's cute. And that blanket's pretty dope.

My night cheese (and wine) wouldn't kick that blanket out of bed for being too luxurious.

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Thursday, February 20, 2014

I Report, You Decide: Is Robert Pattinson A Dark-Haired Beauty?

pic via us weekly
I've never really been a part of that whole oh-my-god-r-patts-is-so-hot-vampires-vampires-vampires bandwagon. I'm more of the he's-okay-and-stuff camp. I kind of thought that his name was Robert Patterson for, like, three years. B*tches be gettin' old, man.

But here's Patty cakes on the set of some movie (I can't be bothered) with some fresh dark hairs, and I'm not really sure how I feel about him all of a sudden.

He's kind of giving me a darker, hotter vibe, but maybe I'm just falling for the douche smug he's got wiped all over his face in this picture. My ovaries can occasionally get temporarily bewitched due to smugness, so I can't really be sure.

Help me figure it out. Is Robbie looking hot, or am I being straight up delusional right now?

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Monday, February 3, 2014

Awkward Celebrity Photos: Starring A Fake (???) Brit Brit, Gaga, And Co-Starring Celebrity Dudes

Lady Gaga tweeted this weekend about going to see Brit Brit's Vegas show, and later posted this picture of the two of them (ALLEGEDLY) on her website. But something is really, really weird here...

via littlemonsters.com
I feel like I'm looking at either a) celebrity impersonators, or b) a Britney Spears and Lady Gaga wax figures shoved next to each other. I call shenanigans on what is being called Brit's face. NOPE. This whole picture feels like ten pounds of weirdness shoved into a creepy five pound bag. Go call the guv-nah, because this sh*t is fishier than the Little Mermaid's birthday party guest list.

This isn't even the end of the celebrity strange. Here's the odd combo of Leonardo Dicaprio (in that f*cking HAT), Bradley Cooper (looking straight mid-2000s), and Lenny Kravtiz (wearing a possible choke collar).

via lk's facebook page
This picture is just begging for a game of bang, marry, kill, so shall we? Here's what I'm thinking:
  • Bang -- Leo, because I wouldn't want to live with him. He seems like he would be really particular about where you put his dumb hats and would have a refrigerator filled with only roasted star fruit, or some sh*t.
  • Marry -- Lenny. He's hot, seems pretty cool and non-irritating, except for the fact that he's hanging out with these two.
  • Kill -- Bradley, because I just have a feeling about that homeboy. He always has semi-to-full douche face. And he goes by BRADLEY.

Now you guys play. What are your choices for bang, marry, kill? And is Britney's face looking super un-Brit-Brit-like, or am I insane in the mf-ing membrane (again)?

Tell me all these things.

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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?

via Vin's Facebook page

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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

It's Ryan Gosling's Birthday! Let's Watch Videos of His Ass. (Spoiler Alert: No ACTUAL Gosling Ass.)

Today is a day that should be rejoiced, you guys. It's Happy "Out of Yo Mama's Cookie" Day to that sexpot that we call Ryan Gosling. (Okay, so I totally stole that phrase from Sweet Brown's Instagram, but it's perfect. And, yes, I follow Sweet Brown on I.G. -- she's a friggin' treasure. )

In celebration of Gossie's big day, I've created an international viewing party of my favorite R.G. videos, so let our asses start the celebration. This first one shows Ry Ry stripping down to tiny underdrawers...

I don't think that anyone hated that, amiright? Let's now awkwardly move on to videos of yesteryear, back to when Ryan was just a wee, shiny bowl-cutted lad on The Mickey Mouse Club.

Justin totally tried stealing the scene with those lame ass (AKA perfect) overalls and gelled curly side bangs, but today's all about the Gos Sauce, so step the eff off, J mf-ing T.

And just in case you need more baby goose times (get it, Gosling? I'm such a wordsmith.), here's another tiny tot performance, featuring PANTS!

On the real, that dancing was straight dope.

Who knew that Chess King made luxurious silken clothes for tiny children?

I saved my favorite adult time Goss vid for last, even though I've shared this here before. But it's just so damn adorable that it should be cherished on this day of the 'Ling.

You know that your heart just grew three sizes just by watching that.

Happy Birthday, Ryan Gosling! Now go celebrate by popping bottles and doing models, or whatever thing it is you choose to do on your 33rd year of life.

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Monday, October 21, 2013

I've Never Been More Jealous Of Another Human.

Buzzfeed alerted me to the existence of this amazing dude named Chris Koo, doing an "eff, yes" version of Beyoncé's "Crazy In Love." I'm not even close to what you would call a Beyoncé fan, but baby boo just slayed that sh*t, solid. I'm not sure if young Chris Koo's (hot name, BTW) body even contains normal humanoid bones, or if they're made of Billy Cosby-sponsored Jello.

I'm also lucky that I don't currently own a Flowbee, or I would be attaching that sh*t to my vacuum immediately and putting the "flouncy, bouncy bowl cut" setting on my mop.

Here's the O.G. (AKA boring, vanilla soft serve sans sprinkles version with 100% less Chris Koo) version, if you need a refresher. I'm off to get a straw for my super sized non-haterade, because I love this guy.

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Monday, October 14, 2013

I Report, You Decide: Topless Usher Edition (With an Assist From #StarbucksDrakeHands)

I don't know how I feel about these new pictures of Usher from Men's Health, you guys. On one hand, Usher is quite an attractive guy.

On the other hand, I've always gotten a Papa Smurf facial vibe from him.

I also wasn't picking up what the MH article was putting down when they claimed that dude is 5'10". I've always felt 5'8" MAX tallness from Usher. So, you tell me, is this hot? My indecisive ass can't decide.

But you know who I wouldn't do? Starbucks Drake Hands, who did a (non)riveting interview with the illustrious Inside Edition.

via the frisky

I do not believe you, kind sir. That video WAS NOT made in jest. You were as serious as the fact that you need to 86 haircut, my man. I know that you are in mourning for your sex life, because you are never getting laid again by anyone with an internet connection or 3G service.

HAHA, b*tch!

all pics via mens health

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Friday, October 4, 2013

How To Be A Trash Bag Like Me In 5 Easy Steps (Actually Featuring Some Badass Products)

Have you b's heard the good word? I'm kind of trashy.

actual comment about me to prove said trash bag-ness
 But you know what? Being trashy is a fun way to live life IN THIS MOTHER, so suck it, world. And just in case you feel like getting on some next level non-classy sh*t, here's how you can get like me (at least this week).

#1 Drink Cheap(ish) Wine.

jam jar sweet shiraz, $9.99 at whole foods, but check yo' ish
You guys, I love this wine more than most things that currently exist on this earth. I originally picked it up from Whole Foods just because the bottle is super adorable and actually jam jar-looking, PLUS IT HAS A SCREW TOP, which lends itself to my lazy and drink-y lifestyle. Freakin' major points on that sh*t.

Once I actually consumed this affordable nectar of the Gods, I was all in. It's kind of sweet, but not in a over-the-top way.

Try it. It's like $10-$12 most places, so re-gift it (to me) if you hate it (I hate you if you do), and you aren't out a bajillion bucks, man.

#2 Hermit Yourself Up In Your House And Watch A Show Featuring Badasses, Until You Think You're A Badass.

featuring lots of hot backs and other parts
I've barely tended to basic ass hygiene this week (even more so than the usual), and I blame it all on Sons of Anarchy. I'm been binge watching the ish out of this show, and I show no signs of slowing.

my favorite dudes of SOA, opie & tig
One of the reasons for my can't stop, won't stop SOA viewing is for the dudes. I'm doing it all for the pseudo nookie, I guess. I know that most homegirls' lady flower tizzies are for the main guy Charlie Hunnam, and don't get me wrong, he's hot. BUT, I'm way more into the secondary hot mens like Ryan Hurst (Opie) and Kim Coates (Tig). What can I say? You guys know I'm into the "off the beaten path" when it comes to man crush feelings.

P.S. If you are a dumb dumb head like me and haven't yet watched this show, get on that sh*t, you silly mofo.

P.P.S. If you're current on episodes, DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH THESE TWO. (Although I've gotten a hint of Opie spoilers, and I am not happy.)

#3 Buy And Wear Clothes Inspired By (Male) Characters Of Said Show.

flannel and beanie, target, boots, nordstrom
See above, and you can see why I'm currently dressing like a grungy motorcycle dude. My obsessions run deep. I got these Steve Madden "Leader" boots from Nordstrom during their big ass sale deal (not the actual name of the sale) a couple of months ago, and I wear the sh*t out of them -- pretty much on the daily. The flannel and beanie can be copped from Target on the cheap, although I couldn't find them online.

denim vest, h&m, faux leather vest, f21
And every lady-type biker man needs some vests, obviously. The acid wash denim is from H&M a few months ago (similar one here), and the studded fake leather deal is from Forever 21. Thankfully, my ass is clipped to the brim with weave, or I would be constantly mistaken for a boy.

#4 Same Damn Makeup, Different Damn Day.

marc jacobs eyes, urban decay lip
I've been in a major makeup rut lately, and have pretty much been switching up my beauty looks 0% of the time. But I really give zero effs, because I'm totally into it. I've been all about a baby liquid liner cat eye paired with a bold lip, usually the MAC RuPaul Viva Glam goodness I told you about the other day, or this Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame that I recently bought.

urban decay in shame, $22
It photographed weirdly light, but it's super sumptuous and creamy as f*ck, as well as deep and gorgeous. (That sounded really romance novel-y, but I didn't even say throbbing.) I've also been using the new Marc Jacobs eye palette and liner that I bought at the same time, but I'll talk about that another day. I don't give it up all at once. I'm a damn lady.

#5 Watch Britney's New Music Video On Repeat.

The first time that I heard Brit Brit's new song, I left super "meeeh" about it. But, of course, that sh*t completely grew on me and once I peeped that video scene, I was totally into it. I can't help it, when Britney does that dumb Madonna-esque fake British accent, I lose my ish. Viva la Britney, b*tch. Gimme, gimme more.

Okay, okay, I'm done. What trashy ass tendencies do you guys have? I know you're out there, don't leave a b hanging.

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