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Showing posts with label Dudes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dudes. Show all posts

Monday, May 18, 2015

Who Would You Do: A Ranking Of Horror Movie Killers

I love horror movies. Even shitty ones. I also love to rank dudes. And as long as my brain and heart are keeping it 100, I really enjoy doing this because women are constantly being ranked like a mofo, and that is mildly-to-moderately annoying. So why not combine these two seemingly unrelated pastimes into a giant, awkward hodgepodge, by playing a game of who would you do, starring horror movie killers? Let's discuss who slayed our hearts (and other parts) and who killed us a little too softly.

#11 -- Pennywise the Clown


I mean, are you effing kidding me? If you find Pennywise attractive in any way, please escort yourself to the nearest exit. Those '90s-Pamela-Anderson-Lee eyebrows alone are enough to induce vivid-ass nightmares.

Verdict: I would rather stab my eyeballs out with one of those teeths than get on that.

#10 -- Chucky 


There's a murderer's soul trapped in a ginger doll's body, which makes for a pretty horrifying situation in the ol' sex department. And look how he's attacking that adorable, miniature King Jaffe. That bitch is just all shades of wrong, man.

Verdict: The only box that little guy is getting in is the one from the toy manufacturer.

#9 -- Freddy Krueger


Homie might not have the best looking mug on the block, but he can put together a decent outfit and even accessorizes pretty well. But his checkered past and sharp finger areas make him decidedly less sexually attractive.

Verdict: Hard pass on those knife phalanges. NOPE.

#8 -- Michael Myers 


MM has terrible hair, and we've only seen a flash of that precious murder face, but there's just something about this pasty-faced slow walker. Ladies love a man in a (janitorial) uniform?

Verdict: Solid maybe for that ill-fitting mask and those bedroom eye holes.

#7 -- Pinhead


Okay, so this dude's the biggest sadist in all of the universes, and his mouth is a real crime scene. But his makeup is kind of amazing, and his face is like a necklace hoarder's wet dream of a DIY Pinterest (heh) project.

Verdict: Ellie Goulding told me anything could happen, so who the hell knows.

#6 -- Jason Voorhees


I'm pretty, pretty sure under that mask lies a blazing hot mess, but I'm still intrigued by the mystery of it all. Someone call Dr. Tobias Fünke, I think I read too many R.L. Stine books in the '90s.

Verdict: Ugh, I don't even know anymore.

#5 -- Hannibal Lecter 


What's not to like about a smart, well-read doctor that loves to cook? And he's such a helper! (Note: The TV version of Dr. Lecter is seriously hot AF, no doubt.)

Verdict: Yes, but only eat at restaurants that you choose.

#4 -- Candyman


This guy used to scare the shit out of me, but in 1992 everyone was afraid of those freaky-bitches-that-popped-up-in-the-mirror-after-saying-their-name-multiple-times types. I see you, Bloody Mary. Upon further reflection (ZING!), CM is pretty hot (that jawline!) and is a boss at pulling off that sexy-whisper voice.

Verdict: Buzz on over to my (lady) flower.

#3 -- Buffalo Bill 


Bill is hot, and he knows it. He's so confident in his tuck! He looks phenomenal in a kimono! And even he would eff himself. Hard. You can't question that.

Verdict: He loves lotion AND dogs! It's a yes.

#2 -- Norman Bates 


Norm has mommy issues like woah and is a total creepy-ass weirdo, but they power of those bangs cannot be denied. MOM BONES + ME 4EVA.

Verdict: Reservation for two at the Bates Motel for this girl.

#1 -- The Scream Boys


Is it inappropriate that two "teenaged" boys are number one for me? Please, I talked about sexing a child's doll -- nothing is off limits. Billy Loomis is the sexiest low-rent Johnny Depp that ever perused the hair gel section of CVS.

Verdict: I will not make the obvious scream joke here. I WILL NOT.

Who would you do? Can this be a new ABC show?










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Monday, April 27, 2015

(Possible) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Jamie Dornan's Facial Hair Situation

A photo posted by Mehra Amiri (@mehraelle) on

Hey, remember when I actually did shit like GUUUUUURL Of The Day on the regular? I barely do, too. Sorry for being an XXL POS. I'll send you an Edible Arrangement. (No, I won't, and you know it.)

I had to bring this mess back because we really need to talk about the sexual being that is Jamie Dornan and the possibly non-sexual accoutrement that's happening on his face. Maybe we should have a look from a different angle? Maybe that will somehow switch it from patchy and mustache-y to grown and sexy?

A photo posted by Tequin Greaver (@tequingreaver_) on

Erm, okay. Listen, I'll take JD any ol' way (except as Christian Grey -- ick, nast), but this is making me feel nothing in my bathing suit area. Nothing.

Let's discuss. Am I going through a metamorphosis that's rendering me a dried-up prude? Or is this just decidedly in the "not cute" column? Help.




via buzzfeed




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Monday, March 2, 2015

Get Ready To Save All Of Your Vegan Tears In A Decorative Mason Jar: Jared Leto Cut Off His Magical Hair And Beard



Drown you sorrows in all of the world's cold quinoa and kale salads -- Jesus Leto is no more. Jared cut off all of his hotness for a role in something called Suicide Squad, which is apparently a movie based on a comic. And homie is playing the Joker.

Don't get me wrong, Jared Leto is hot no matter what. He could put a rancid octopus on his head and still be sexual AF. But I like my Leto one of two ways: Catalano or scruffed up.

What do you think? Are you into this sleek shit? Tell me all of your feelings on everything.







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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

All Of Our Nightmares Have Come True: Justin Bieber Is An Underwear Model



I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.




NOPE. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And now, because I've subjected you to the Bubonic Plague of things to see with eyeballs, here's some adorable salve.


It's so slippery, and his little hooves/paws/foot things can't even handle it! And neither can my heart. Goodbye.



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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Zac Efron Now Has An '80s Dad 'Stache



Today's entry into the "Diary of I'm-Trying-To-Hide-My-Hot-From-You" is Zac Efron, with his freshly grown tragi-stache. (He's also accompanied by a beatnik poet that performs in biker bars. Or maybe a girlfriend? One can never really be sure.)

I can't handle this mustache in any way, shape or form. Probably because it's a hair (har har) too close of my dad's own facial hair, and that sends up a big ol' NOPE flag to proudly flap high into the dude sky.


Let's look past the fact that I'm dressed in something that Bubbles the chimp might wear, and note the disturbing follicular similarities. If Efron starts wearing THOSE glasses, I'm quitting this bitch. And by bitch, I mean Earth.




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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Who Would You Rather: The 90210 Dudes Edition


I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.

All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?

David Silver

BAG sporting a unibrow starter's kit

Pros:
Cons:
  • Many awkward hair phases.
  • David and Donna were so gross, as told by this video, which is one of the more horrific things even burned into my eyeballs and ear holes.



    BRB, vomiting and bleaching the Earth.

    Bottom Line: Whatever, I can't even keep up this front. DAVEY WAS THE WORST.

    Brandon Walsh

    B Dubs, the stern years.

    Pros:
    • He did charitable shit like bring homeless men home for Thanksgiving dinner and had relationships with Kelly Taylor.
    • He was well-beloved by crazies (Emily Valentine) and bores (Andrea Zuckerman) alike.
    • He had the privilege of sharing a womb with Brenda.
    • He had the second-best dude hair on the show. (Except for that short-lived mullet. Hard pass.)
    • Just..This...



      Cons:
      • He did horrible shit like have relationships with Kelly Taylor.
      • He got kind of judgey over walking Earth treasures Brenda Walsh and Valerie Malone. 
      • These sunglasses fill me with a deep and fiery rage. There's something so Wilford Brimley about them that make me want to throw hot oatmeal.

      Bottom Line: I like Brandon. But do I LIKE like Brandon? Like, loins-like him?

      Dylan McKay

      Okay, so this was IRL Luke Perry, BUT I DON'T CARE.

      Pros:
      • Please see above.
      • That voice.
      • He had the best hair that's ever even graced a friggin' TV screen.
      • He had rough times, but had a heart of GD GOLD.
      • He almost pulled this look off. And that's a lot of look.


      IS THAT A WETSUIT TOP TUCKED INTO RELAXED FIT JEANS?

      Cons:
      • That tramp-ass-tramp Kelly Taylor.
      • He doesn't love me.

      Bottom Line: Everyone loves Dylan McKay. If you don't, you aren't a living human being. Shit, even ghosts haunting old Victorian-era mansions probably love that mofo.

      Steve Sanders

      Steve loves coochie cutters, and he cannot lie.

      Pros:
      • Steve kind of gave zero effs about ANYTHING.
      • He had a weirdly sexual confidence about him.
      • Semi-unrelated, but, uhhhh....
      • Ian Ziering did this in my life, so major bonus points:


      Cons:



      Bottom Line: Current-day Ian Ziering? Hot. Steve Sanders? Not.

      Conclusion: Please, this was all a flimsy, farce-filled, flim-flam facade! And you fell for it. MUAHAHAHHA. DYLAN MCKAY 4EVA.


      How much do you still love Dylan McKay, one to eight trillion?



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      Friday, November 21, 2014

      10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not A Dude

      Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

      #1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.


      Unless you're Lenny Kravtiz. Then you do whatever the hell you want.

      #2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

      #3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.



      Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

      #4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.



      Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

      #5 -- Dude brain logic.

      A photo posted by Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) on

      This guy's brain told him that this was totally cool to say. How is this real life? STOP THE INSANITY.

      #6 -- Basic haircuts (typically). Most dudes have one of three or so haircuts. And if you branch out, the results can be dreadful.

      #7 -- Balls.

      #8 -- Beards. JK, beards are dope and I wish I had one. I almost want to get a beard weave, like this guy.


      JK times two. That beard weave is ridiculous. Mine would be made from unicorn manes and have beads or other accoutrements.

      #9 -- Being a stanky ass b. Guys smell worse. I'm sorry, it's science.

      via holymaurymotherofgod

      Dammit, Danjuma! I'm getting real tired of your bullshit.

      #10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

      What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!



      videos via reddit cringe

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      Friday, November 14, 2014

      What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair


      What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.


      This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

       My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


      Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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      Tuesday, November 4, 2014

      Who Would You Rather: New Hot Mugshot Guy Or The Local News T.I. Aficionado



      It's been a total sausage fest for the last 24 hours, man. No, not at my house. The only sausage fest around here would be me literally just eating actual sausage in a festive manner. And it's more of a bacon fest at my house.

      I'm talking about dudes taking the internets by storm with kooky antics and/or hotness, depending on your view. So this guy-o-rama clearly lends itself to the question -- WHO WOULD YOU RATHER? Let's take a look at the dazzling contestants.

      pic via santa cruz police department
      First up, the most recent gentleman (???) to be dubbed 'Hot Mugshot Guy'. (Yes, I just linked to a Yahoo! News article. I like to kick it old school.) This smize expert was arrested in Santa Cruz on Halloween for:

      "...attacking a person dressed as a Fox News reporter.  The suspect attacked the victim telling him he “hates Fox News”.  The suspect grabbed the victim’s microphone and placed down the front of his pants and proceeded to rub the microphone on his crotch.  The suspect then attacked the victim with an aluminum tennis racquet.  The victim was not injured and reported the incident to police.  The suspect fled as officers approached, but was eventually ran down and caught by pursuing officers." 

      I'm a little torn on this one. This guy is a clearly a total sexpot in the ol' face department, but that flesh-colored t-shirt is doing him zero favors. Also, why are you assaulting someone dressed in a costume of something that you don't like? Has he been asleep for several years, à la Rip van Winkle, and didn't know it was Halloween? Where did he get a tennis racket? Was he dressed as Anna Kournikova? The non-timeliness of that costume actually supports my Rip van Winkle story. Also, maybe don't assault people. Also, the victim in this case should sell the crotch-rubbed microphone on eBay. I'm sure some people would buy that shit.



      Next up in this man-on-man competition is this local TV news guy annoying the shit out of his co-host with his T.I.-themed voguing.

      I love this dude for his impromptu use of props and Clark Kent hair. He loses points for lack of edginess in my book, but there were zero assaults happening, so there's that. Except for homie being cut via eyeballs from his co-anchor.

      So who would you guys rather? I'm slightly leaning toward Mug on this one, mostly because those eyes and cheekbones really speak to my bathing suit area. Thoughts?

      P.S. Alex from Target is not in this contest because I'm not trying to catch some charges.

      video via reddit



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      Friday, September 26, 2014

      Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)



      Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:

      Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
      Step two: This.


      Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
      Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.

      Annnnnnd scene.

      If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

      There's only one exception.

       
      Okay, two exceptions.


      If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.



      via reddit


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      Friday, September 5, 2014

      Middle School Humor With Matthew Crawley (Or Dan Stevens, If You're Nasty)



      Please watch this morning show host ask Matthew Crawley if he "had to beat off a lot of American men" to get his latest part in the movie The Guest. Homegirl does not get what might be funny about this shit AT ALL, and even repeats herself, causing MC/DS to throw himself a little giggle fest.

      Because I'm mentally a twelve year old boy, this makes me laugh every time I watch it. HJ/handy humor never gets old. Thank you for all that you do, British ladies.


      P.S. Dan Stevens is looking super-svelte and sexual these days, non? Nooooice.


      via jezebel


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      Wednesday, July 30, 2014

      Orlando Bloom Acts For The People Of Earth And Tries To Punch Justin Bieber


      This picture is completely unrelated, but I found it really humorous that Justin Bieber and his friend are wearing not only matching shorts and topless-ness, but also identical underwear. Twinsies!

      I was scrolling through Instagram last night, and I came across a picture of Miranda Kerr that Biebs had posted. (YES, I FOLLOW HIM. I HATE MYSELF.) That little twerpy derp has since taken it down, but I thought it was kind of weird. But now it all makes sense after waking up to this pretty MF-ing amazing story about Orlando Bloom trying to put his delicate hands across JB's smug mug.

      And there's a Swedish video of this. WITH SLOWMO. Let's watch and laugh together.



      These two apparently got wild for the night, f being polite, over Baby B maybe doing sex stuffs with Miranda Kerr (BRB vomiting until my jaw falls off) and possibly  Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez a few months ago. Whatever the case, we can all thank Yeezus that SOMEBODY finally attempted to spank this toddler. Even if it was Orlando Bloom, who I could probably beat up quickly and efficiently, and seems like he bathes in rose water with a splash of honey. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still firmly in the "would do" camp, he just doesn't seem like the punch shit type.)

      After the misfired punch goes down, Bieber apparently screams, "What's up, bitch?" while his security team attempts to contain their giggles, I'm sure. Sounds like it's time for somebody's nap nap. This is all just definitive proof that humans need to stop f-ing Justin Bieber. Ever.


      UPDATE: Baby Biebs just posted this to his Instagram. Someone take his damn LeapFrog away.





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      Monday, June 30, 2014

      Hot Dude Dance Off: Prince Harry vs Zac Efron



      First, we have the sexual ginger candy that is Prince Harry. PH definitely wins the cute points by dancing with adorable kids at a Chilean children's home. I feel like Hars is just getting more and more attractive as he ages. It's like he's the reverse Prince William. (Sorry for that burn, lil' Willy style.)

      He loses points on the ACTUAL dancing, but he's with kids. It's not like he can be all Genuwine "Pony"-ing all over the youth of Chile. But even his clapping is sub-par and whiter than the purest white chocolate sauce. Yet, still hot.


      Get it? Like, he's a redhead, too, so fire...My apologies.



      Then there's Zac. I always forget that homeboy is a great dancer. Maybe because I've never seen High School Musical. But he is.

      Plus, we know what he's working with under that slinky top. We see you, Efs. We see you.


      So who are you guys feeling more? Yeezus, don't me me choose.



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      Monday, June 9, 2014

      Nic Cage Wore A CRAZY ASS Outfit To A Guns N' Roses Concert

      via gnr's facebook

      Nicolas Cage showed up to a GNR concert wearing this insane shit this weekend. Just soak it all in for a moment. Oh, and Andrew Dice Clay was also in attendance, because of course.

      Maybe we should get a closer look at all of this effery. And, yes, that's Nic Cage's meme face on Nic Cage's shirt.


      Here's a checklist of what we're dealing with here:
      1. An Ann Taylor Loft blazer
      2. A well-formed cowboy hat
      3. Henry VIII's hand jewels and cane thing
      4. Sunglasses inside
      5. All of your gam gam's "fancy" necklaces at once
      6. A possible holster/fringed chaps (assless-ness unknown)
      7. HIS OWN FACE
      8. Red wine teeth (I'm assuming)
      This is what this outfit just did to my eyeballs:



      Thanks, outfit.



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      Wednesday, June 4, 2014

      If You Always Wanted To See Bradley Cooper's (Almost) B-Hole, This Is Your Chance

      via eonline
      Listen, I'm not in the game of offending military people. I'm in the game of rude ass-ing every other person's life, really. But I have to ask this -- is this the regular shorts attire of actual Navy Seals? Because that is the character that B Coops is portraying in this sassy (literal) ass picture from the set of his new movie, American Sniper, and it's causing me to not even really know what to think right now. Except that we need to see what kind of business is happening in the front.

      via eonline
       Oh. I mean...I actually don't even know what to say right now. At all. Or how I feel. Am I like:


      Or all:


      On one hand, I wore shorts of this exact length in my sluttiest of slut days. On the other, they look like toddler apparel. On a third alien hand, Bradley Cooper is usually pretty hot.

      I think I'm having some kind of sensory overload-induced brain malfunction. Tell me how to live.

      P.S. You're welcome for bringing you this instead of that bag o' dicks-filled Bieber video.





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      Wednesday, May 21, 2014

      Jude Law Auditions For Yesterday's "Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday," Doesn't Quite Make The Topless Cut


      I know you're all, "It's Wednesday, ya' dumb dumb," right now, because I'm talking TOFTBT on a non-Tuesday...day. But I couldn't let these photos of Jude Law's teddy bear moobs just wander by my eyeballs without comment. That ain't me, babe. And I was going to post these last night, but then I drank a glass of wine and got a case of "forgot to do shits." Whatever, let's see more skin.


      Ugh, Jude is such a dude. He doesn't even know how to squeeze citrus/bend over in a slutty top without showing off all the cookies.


      A few general observations here:
      1. I would wear this entire outfit.
      2. It's kind of adorable that he wanted to wear his brand new freakum tee to shop for produce. (Look at the sharpness of that sleeve pleat. This top is fresh out the shopping bag.)
      3. Is he doing the "use your arms to push your tatas together" trick in the last picture? DOES HE KNOW ALL OF OUR LADY SECRETS?
      Sorry, Jude. You just barely missed out on TOFTBT. If only that deep ass v was a little deeper. Better luck next time!


      I'm still using the gif. I can't NOT.


      all Jude pics via buzzfeed


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      Sunday, May 4, 2014

      BREAKING NEWS: Adam Levine Now Has Gwen Stefani Hair

      via AL's twitter
      No, this ain't no hollaback girl, sadly, it's Adam Levine and his new head rug. Yeezus, take the wheel. After resting my eyeballs on this, I think that we can all now officially calm our tits on the great debate over whether Adam Levine is hot in a skeeze way or not. This cat's face speaks volumes on the "Would you still?" topic. You can just feel the "eff no" in the windows to his soul.


      It seems like when AL bleached his hair to Courtney Stodden on the color scale, and it really brought out the douche in his bone structure. What makes it worse is that he's totally got his "I look super hot right now" face on in the picture, but for me it's reading more "I live in a basement with mannequins."


      What do you guys think? Am I being a super bitch? Is this actually hot? Tell how me to live.



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      Thursday, May 1, 2014

      GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro



      There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.


      Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

      via realitytvgifs
      Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.


      via buzzfeed

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