If you want to get your mitts on this month's Sample Society box, first watch this video. (Don't worry, I tried to keep it short.) Then go read all the rules and such and leave comment on the OG YouTube video.
I don't do well with massages. I'm super uncomfortable and talk the whole time and pretty much make everyone involved feel weird.
But for this months' Outrageous Beauty, I GOT A DAMN MASSAGE. Did I survive? Did I act like a creep? Is there a shot of my tramp stamp? All of these answers and more on this video. Watch if you're into it.
Very few things bring me more joy than watching Kate McKinnon bring the hardcore douchey-baby-vibes with her Justin Bieber impression, and this is her masterpiece. This is the GD Mona Lisa of faux Bieb-ing.
"Yo, my pee-pee's in there," is my new mantra. I'm going to chant it in yoga and shit. While wearing a codpiece.
And just in (Justin? Sorry.) case this is too Bieber-adjacent for your tastes and you need to get the stank off, here's your palette cleanser.
You know I never leave you on a shitty Justin Bieber note.
This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.
So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.
I friggin' love using double-duty beauty products. Whenever you can use something for more than one purpose, that's a good-ass deal. So I decided to make a video using only five products, and using four of those things for two things...shit, that's confusing.
Just watch the video (if you want). It will all (kind of) make sense. I'm also posting all of the products that I used below the video, just in case you're in an anti-video jail, or at your Gam Gam's, or something, and can't watch.
I know that it's the holidays and you're busy thinking about other people (BORING) and being all nice and crap, but why not take a couple of minutes and do something for your own damn self?
If you want to cop this month's Allure Sample Society box for free, watch this video and follow the instructions from the YouTube description box. That's it! Now you can go back to whatever crazy-ass holiday schedule you're currently enduring.
For all of my fellow Serial crazies, tomorrow shall mark the end of the Mail Kimp end. Will anyone ever think of payphones ever, ever again? Will Adnan's big cow eyes ever be free to make BBQ sauce without having to use maple syrup? Did Jay get a good nap in? Why doesn't Mr. S like brandy? What even is brandy? If this is just a big-ass Best Buy commercial, I'm going to be PISSED.
I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.
I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.
When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.
P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.
P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).
This is such a friggin' confusing piece of fine art. These British (???) people seem to have only heard of three fast food places. Nary a Taco Bell in Europe, I guess.
And they're talking about sex times, yet the dancing dog with the Jem makeup makes me think that your latest ringtone is for children. But the ass-slapping while singing about sauce and the "I'm coming back for more...HOTDOG!" makes me hope this is really not for juveniles. And I don't even want to know what "let's eat to the beat" means.
I just need to know which life-size My Buddy Special S&M Edition™dolls these three yanked those outfits from. I need to see everyone's receipts.
P.S. If you clicked there to buy the album, I can't talk to you anymore.
P.P.S. If you would now like to reinstall Too Many Cooks back into your brain after this hot mess express, you can watch my jankety remake here.
The second Allure Insiders facial video is a major Fall staple...the pumpkin! I'm getting all up in the Pumpkin Enzyme Facial, which is kind of like rubbing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on your mug, except that it's great for your skin.
What does it feel like? What does it smell like? (Side note -- I had to edit out at least five minutes of me talking about what each thing smelled like. It was getting creepy like woah.) Watch the video to get the answers to these burning questions and more. FALL 4EVA!
Who's ready to get fancy up in here? Today I've got TWO Outrageous Beauty facial videos coming out for Allure Insiders. The first one is dubbed the "Million Dollar Facial," and involves tons of fancy pants stuff like a diamond microdermabrasion and a 24k face mask. I've never felt less garbage heap-y than I did after these treatments. (And you know that's saying a lot coming from me.)
Check it out if you're feeling extravagant. Or luxurious. Or lavish. I'll post the Fall-centric facial number two in a few hours, so keep those eyeballs peeled. You know, or just check back.
I'm sorry for coughing all over your face. I would have edited that shit out, but then my eyeballs were all watery, and I didn't want it to seem as if I was just emotional over a purse. I really over-explained all of that.
Anyway, here's what I keep in my purse all the time. Do things feel awkward between us now?
I'm so excited about Gone Girl coming out this weekend, man. I even heard that Ben Affleck is, like, GOOD good in it, so don't even trip on ol' Gigli. It'll be okay.
So for this week's Allure Insiders video, I did a kind of anti-Get the Look. No one wants to look like a maybe/possibly/I'm not ruining it for you dead person, so watch the video to get tips on how to look human on your worst days. Unless you're just naturally #flawless. In that case -- hey, Beyoncé.