Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I don't do well with massages. I'm super uncomfortable and talk the whole time and pretty much make everyone involved feel weird.
But for this months' Outrageous Beauty, I GOT A DAMN MASSAGE. Did I survive? Did I act like a creep? Is there a shot of my tramp stamp? All of these answers and more on this video. Watch if you're into it.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Very few things bring me more joy than watching Kate McKinnon bring the hardcore douchey-baby-vibes with her Justin Bieber impression, and this is her masterpiece. This is the GD Mona Lisa of faux Bieb-ing.
"Yo, my pee-pee's in there," is my new mantra. I'm going to chant it in yoga and shit. While wearing a codpiece.
And just in (Justin? Sorry.) case this is too Bieber-adjacent for your tastes and you need to get the stank off, here's your palette cleanser.
You know I never leave you on a shitty Justin Bieber note.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Allure is giving away some of their January Sample Society boxes. If you want to see what's inside that bad little baby and how to win, watch this vid.
What would you do if I said "WINNING!" right now? You better say you would slap me. Bonus points if you said slap me with Amal Clooney's white satin '90s prom gloves from the Golden Globes.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.
So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.
Monday, December 22, 2014
I friggin' love using double-duty beauty products. Whenever you can use something for more than one purpose, that's a good-ass deal. So I decided to make a video using only five products, and using four of those things for two things...shit, that's confusing.
Just watch the video (if you want). It will all (kind of) make sense. I'm also posting all of the products that I used below the video, just in case you're in an anti-video jail, or at your Gam Gam's, or something, and can't watch.
Here are the details, for you non-watchers:
Product #1 -- Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation in Light 48 on my face. (Uhhh doy)
Product #2 -- Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Naked on my eyes and brows.
Product #3 -- Benefit Hoola Bronzer under my cheekbones, on hairline, and dusted across nose and jawline. Also on the crease of my lids.
Product #4 -- Makeup Academy Color Intense Lipstick in #258 Pansy is the ol' lips and also used as a cream blush.
Product #5 -- L'Oreal Voluminous Miss Manga Mascara in Blackest Black is used on a flat brush as a baby eyeliner and as a mascara, of course.
Do you have any double-duty makeup products? Tell me all the things.
Friday, December 19, 2014
I know that it's the holidays and you're busy thinking about other people (BORING) and being all nice and crap, but why not take a couple of minutes and do something for your own damn self?
If you want to cop this month's Allure Sample Society box for free, watch this video and follow the instructions from the YouTube description box. That's it! Now you can go back to whatever crazy-ass holiday schedule you're currently enduring.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Warning: Some whispery f-words in video.
This is kind of friggin' perfect.
For all of my fellow Serial crazies, tomorrow shall mark the end of the Mail Kimp end. Will anyone ever think of payphones ever, ever again? Will Adnan's big cow eyes ever be free to make BBQ sauce without having to use maple syrup? Did Jay get a good nap in? Why doesn't Mr. S like brandy? What even is brandy? If this is just a big-ass Best Buy commercial, I'm going to be PISSED.
via funny or die
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Winter kind of blows when it comes to beauty. Everything is hashtag XXX-TRA DRY, and it just makes life roughly 23454% worse.
Luckily, I have found some products for the hairs, face and body that will alleviate some of those wintery woes. Get off our jocks, Mother Nature. We see you.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
I need to rub this tiny pig's belly, like, more than anything.
Britney Spears' "Gimme More" must have been written about baby piglet tummy scratch videos, because that's the only thing that makes sense in this world. Gimme, gimme more piggy vids.
If you have ever in your life seen anything cuter, please share in the comments.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
I have to be honest -- I have no idea what is happening in this video. I only know that the topic is ass (again) and that I shouldn't change the subject. And that homegirl has an aversion to looking at the camera unless she's wearing semi-transitional lenses.
I do need to know where one picks up an application to be the President of Ass, because I think that I'm probably qualified. Also, those dance moves are fresh to death. It's like a choo choo train impression. I'm way into it.
When you're in the club tonight, make sure you request "The Topic is Ass" to the resident DJ. I'm pretty sure that they love that shit.
P.S. I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that I kind of love this song. It's catchy as mother f.
P.P.S. If you need a palate cleanser after all of that, here's an hour of Lil' Bub kicking off the holidays for your ass (which is the topic).
ass song via reddit
Monday, November 10, 2014
This is such a friggin' confusing piece of fine art. These British (???) people seem to have only heard of three fast food places. Nary a Taco Bell in Europe, I guess.
And they're talking about sex times, yet the dancing dog with the Jem makeup makes me think that your latest ringtone is for children. But the ass-slapping while singing about sauce and the "I'm coming back for more...HOTDOG!" makes me hope this is really not for juveniles. And I don't even want to know what "let's eat to the beat" means.
I just need to know which life-size My Buddy Special S&M Edition™dolls these three yanked those outfits from. I need to see everyone's receipts.
P.S. If you clicked there to buy the album, I can't talk to you anymore.
P.P.S. If you would now like to reinstall Too Many Cooks back into your brain after this hot mess express, you can watch my jankety remake here.
P.P.P.S. If you don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, get on everyone's level.
Monday, November 3, 2014
I tried to cover any and every eyebrow issue I could think of in this video -- trimming, which products to use for what, how and where to fill your eyebrows -- every-damn-thing.
If there's something you still aren't sure about, let me know in the comments, because I'm tapped, bruh.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
The second Allure Insiders facial video is a major Fall staple...the pumpkin! I'm getting all up in the Pumpkin Enzyme Facial, which is kind of like rubbing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on your mug, except that it's great for your skin.
What does it feel like? What does it smell like? (Side note -- I had to edit out at least five minutes of me talking about what each thing smelled like. It was getting creepy like woah.) Watch the video to get the answers to these burning questions and more. FALL 4EVA!
Who's ready to get fancy up in here? Today I've got TWO Outrageous Beauty facial videos coming out for Allure Insiders. The first one is dubbed the "Million Dollar Facial," and involves tons of fancy pants stuff like a diamond microdermabrasion and a 24k face mask. I've never felt less garbage heap-y than I did after these treatments. (And you know that's saying a lot coming from me.)
Check it out if you're feeling extravagant. Or luxurious. Or lavish. I'll post the Fall-centric facial number two in a few hours, so keep those eyeballs peeled. You know, or just check back.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.
It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)
Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.
And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.
I have to go do some shit. AKA this:
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I'm sorry for coughing all over your face. I would have edited that shit out, but then my eyeballs were all watery, and I didn't want it to seem as if I was just emotional over a purse. I really over-explained all of that.
Anyway, here's what I keep in my purse all the time. Do things feel awkward between us now?
Thursday, October 9, 2014
I'm a pretty fickle sister when it comes to mascara. I rarely am all, "Damn, I love this mofo!" But, I currently feel that way about THREE mascaras. Don't slut-shame me.
Watch and let me know if you feel the same. Or other ones I need to try. I'm always open to adding more to my repertoire. (I'm wiggling my eyebrows in a creepy way right now.)
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
I'm so excited about Gone Girl coming out this weekend, man. I even heard that Ben Affleck is, like, GOOD good in it, so don't even trip on ol' Gigli. It'll be okay.
So for this week's Allure Insiders video, I did a kind of anti-Get the Look. No one wants to look like a maybe/possibly/I'm not ruining it for you dead person, so watch the video to get tips on how to look human on your worst days. Unless you're just naturally #flawless. In that case -- hey, Beyoncé.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)
Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:
Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
Step two: This.
Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.
If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.
There's only one exception.
If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Allure sent me their September Sample Society box to root through and see what it's all about, and I made this little baby haul video to share the info. There are lots of fun thingy-dos in this puppy. I'm actually pretty, pretty excited about it. If you want to see what's in the box (heh), watch away.
If you want more info on Allure Sample Society, you can check it out here. And if you want to win one of these babies for yourself, click here and see info on how to win one in the description box. Treat yo' self!