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Showing posts with label Video. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Video. Show all posts

Monday, September 15, 2014

Just In Case Your Monday Sucked, Here's A Sleeping, Quacking Cat



I think I might need a cat, man. I've always been in the camp of "kittens are cute as shit, cats are kind of whatever," but cats are seeming pretty baller lately.

Take this little fluff muffin. Homie straight up HATES coughing, and doesn't care who knows it. I don't blame this cat. There's nothing worse than some rude bitch trying to ruin your sleep business with noise, when all you're trying to do is lie with a pair of balls. RUDE.

If that wasn't enough to wipe the Monday out of your brain, here's a cat with a mustache.

source

If that STILL didn't help, go eat some cheese or something. Cheese helps 90% of problems.



Especially night cheese. Do you.



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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The DuckTales Theme Song Starring Actual Ducks Is Just What Humanity Needs




In these trying times of Bieber ATV-related arrests and Miley nips (see below), these adorably fluffy mother efffers are here to save the world. Or rewrite history.

I used to watch DuckTales and Captain Planet every day before school, so this bit of nostalgia is seriously the best thing I've seen in at least three days. The duck with the bow on her head???


It's too adorable. I can't handle it. And Scrooge McDuck swimming (nude in this instance -- risque!) in his gold? Help, I need to hold a baby duck immediately.

Just in case you have a case of oldie brain (like me), here's the OG version for science.



I can't wait to see live duck versions of all of my favorite TV show intros: KIDS Incorporated, Golden Girls, 90210, Orange is the New Black...It's all coming together, world. It's all coming together.



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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Allure Get The Look: Old School TV Dallas Meets That New New TV Dallas



This week for my Allure Insiders video I took a little bit of the old and glam-y Dallas TV show and mixed in that new new Dallas to come up with a combo look. I always hated Combos (the snack cracker), but this actually turns out okay! No fake, powdery cheese is involved, but hot rollers are.

Check it out and get an instant contact hairspray high. I MEAN, IT'S TEXAS, Y'ALL.



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Monday, August 25, 2014

Here's "Tiny Hamster In a Tiny Mansion," For All Of Your Monday Needs



Here we are. It's the beginning of another work week. Ain't that a bitch? Well, you know what isn't? This adorable-ass teensy hamster named Chicken just getting ready for the day.


Ugh, we know, Ryan. Don't come back until you're ready to show your abs and talk about your secret and going-to-be-a-gorgeous-creature baby.

CHICKEN 4 LYFE.



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Friday, August 22, 2014

Fire Up The Karaoke Machine, Here's Your New Anthem



So the actual lyrics for this song are NSFW like woah, but feel free to bump this loud and proud at any and all locations, because no one will even know that dude is saying eff 3485928340kjafldskj times. I mean, when the vocals get layered at 1:44, every other singer in the world can take one billion seats, because it's all just too perfect. Andrew Lee has the voice of an angel, if angels sang by sucking their voices back into their bodies.

And you can't ask for better background visuals than these. Frogs? Check. Soccer ball? Done. Andrew Lee on Andrew Lee? Obvs. A cat in an Admiral's outfit? Doy. Friends credits? Don't be basic -- of course.

If you're in the market for something a little more groovy that you can really dance to, you're in luck. Welcome to "Body Heat," where the going always gets hot.



Are the kids clipping pens into their unruly, yet luxurious, bangs and jamming in front of ironing boards now? Is that the hot new trend? I'm so MF-ing glad that YouTube wasn't around when I was a teenager/young adult/whatever age is happening here. Thank you, technology gods.


Fireworks and champagne all around for being an old bitch.




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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Happy (Almost) Friday, Here's A Video Of Me At A Party



I really needed to share this video just in case you ever invite me to do something. If I come (which I really won't), this is exactly what I will do the ENTIRE TIME. I'm the worst kind of person.


All I need in this life of sin is me and this dog friend. Ride or die to the very end, just me and this dog friend. (Me and this dog friend.)



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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The "Apparently" Kid And Other Best Bits O' The Day



Have you seen this video of the "apparently" kid? Because apparently I love him more than at least 78% of all other humans. Apparently.
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Apparently (sorry, I can't stop), bears are just like us, and hate Justin Bieber. Yay! According to this story from The Daily Mail, a Russian fisherman-type dude was getting full-on mauled by a brown bear until THE BEAR WAS SCARED OFF BY HIS BABY BIEBS RINGTONE that went off just as the bear was getting down to business.

A few things: a) remind to never move to Russia because it sounds scary as shit, b) HAHAHAHAHA, Biebs, even bears put you in the "Oh, eff no" category. The poor, unfortunate, bear-mauled soul is recovering from severe cuts and bruises from the bear, but homie is going to be okay. As far as having JB's "Baby" as a damn default ringtone, the guy claimed that his "granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke."


Okay, sir, stick to that story. Get well soon and stuff.
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Is Chris Pratt trying to make us all want to kiss him on the mouth? Because if that's what he's campaigning for, it's totally working.

Here he is on a Sirius/XM show rapping Eminem's part from "Forgot About Dre." This really makes me love him 3984230985 times more since I bump to this song on the daily, because it's on my workout playlist. (JK, I'm really horrible about my fitness, so I hear it like thrice a month.) Whatever, Chris, we get it. You're adorable and funny and the best. Just be all of our boyfriends.

P.S. What raps do you guys have memorized? I have a couple of early-ish Snoop Dogg songs, Salt 'n' Pepa's "Shoop" and Biggie's "Juicy" down. Yet, I can't remember to take a damn daily vitamin.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Megan Fox's April O'Neil In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tutorial


It's almost time for the re-vamped version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (ugh, I'm such a Michelangelo), so I decided a tutorial on Megan Fox's April O'Neil look for this week's Allure Insiders video. Heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER, and whatnot.



Check it out, and you can find all of my Allure Insiders videos here, if you just really can't get enough of my melodic voice and dreamy ass mug.




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Friday, August 1, 2014

The Only Cooking Video You'll Ever Need In Life

WARNING: Copious amounts of NSFW language, but you should know that by now. (Unless this is your first time here. Welcome! I like to say shit.)



I. LOVE. THIS. WOMAN. From what I can gather from her skimpy/brand new YouTube channel, her name is Auntie Fee, and she's the foul-mouthed angel I've always wanted to find on this planet. I also want a "little punk-ass cinnamon roll," like, yesterday.

But Fee isn't just a bomb cook, she also doles out some great general life advice, like: "I don't let them know too much about me, because then they'll be ready to come do something and shit." And don't bother her about names for her recipes. Just enjoy your "something for the kids," and have a tall glass of shut the hell up.


If you're like me, and just can't get enough Fee in your life, check out the rest of her videos here. Auntie Fee for President of the universe!

P.S. After posting this, I got this text from my mom:


Now you why #iwokeuplikethis since birth.



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Thursday, July 31, 2014

A Video Roundup Version Of Chicken Soup For The Soul

You know I'm a sucka ass sucka for videos. But I don't want to watch some "Gangnam Style" bullshit, I want to see things that soothe my soul. With this in mind, I have compiled some of my favorite videos that I have come across in the past couple days, in hopes that they will bring comfort and joy to you and yours.

DMX on a Slingshot



WARNING: NSFW LANGUAGE LIKE WOAH. This is DMX. Don't go bumping this as you walk into your boss' office with a boombox on your shoulder. (I don't know your work environment, but it sounds super-cool.)

I do have some questions and/or ponderings about this video. Is DMX using the audio from this as an intro to a new song? I feel like he's putting on a bit of a show here. You know that he's not sitting at home, binge-watching Game of Thrones, and barking like a dog. He's eating Twizzlers and popcorn, and drinking wine slushies like the rest of us. Stop playing, Mr. X. #celebritiesarejustlikeus

Paranormal Pugtivity



I don't even really have anything that I can add to this. No comments or embellishments are needed on perfection. Play on, player.

This Person Dancing



I literally have zero information about the circumstances in which this video was shot, but I don't even really need to know. This girl is flawless. She clearly enjoys pumping up the jam, so you best take several steps back. I just really hope that she's on a good glucosamine and chondroitin supplement. I'm concerned about the health of her shoulder joints.

Happy Thursay, mofos.


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Monday, July 28, 2014

WTF Music Monday: International Edition

Here we are again, mofos. It's Monday, and we all hate our lives. But don't worry that pretty little noggin, I'm here to jump start the week in the very best way that I know how -- with awesomely shitty music.


First up, is a jam from Eastern Europe. Watch the video and we'll discuss afterward. (P.S. I'll high five the shit out of you if you can make it all the way through this one.)



What was that? It's like the Russian (???) version of "Gangnam Style, " with extra highlighting eyeshadow. And bedazzled headbands as sunglasses. And chandelier accoutrements as headbands.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened, but whoever told homie that licking that lollypop like that was cute was a damned liar. That person is not your friend. Add the d-bag that sold you those Paris Hilton colored contacts to the list of your non-friends, too.

This isn't even the end of the fun(ish) times today, you guys. I also found this adorably mustachioed Indian man auto-tuning his little heart out in this piece of musical perfection.



I MF-ing love this song. I like to imagine that it's this dude's take on Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," but with extra EXTRA sound effects and air drums. The lyrics are more magical than a gif of a kitten riding a unicorn, which I couldn't find, but I did find this:


Let's just flesh out some of the amazingness of this man's words:
  • It's my life, whom I want to leave oooo....oooo....oooo
  • A friend of mine said I'm a waste fellow, he don't know the taste of this fellow.
  • I always search for good in bad, I also search for bad in good. I am a very good bad boy.
  • I am a brain eater...
  • I am a smart cheater...
  • I am a back bencher...
  • I am a kids lover...
  • I am very anger...I know it's very danger
You could really put any of those quotes on a watercolor background and have a hell of an inspirational Instagram post.


The moral of the story? "If you don't like anyone, live alone." And also, "Don't believe me...I am a true lier." Annnnnd scene.


Yep, pretty much. Happy Monday!

via reddit's "crappy music"


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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)



I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.


I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Brow Feng Shui



This time in my Outrageous Beauty series (shhhhh...I like to pretend I have a series), I go in for some Brow Feng Shui-ing. What does that even mean??? Is there tiny furniture involved? How does Oprah fit in to all of this? Watch and find out.

For more info on Brow Feng Shui, check out Suddenly Slimmer's website.



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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

List Of Things I Can't Deal With Today: Paris Hilton's New Video For "Come Alive." End Of List.



Listen, P. We're pretty much in our mid-thirties, you and I. You are still very pretty and gamine and all of that jazz, but the floating-on-cotton-candy-while-coyly-spouting-sexual-innuendo-in-an-autotuned-baby-voice ship has sailed. Like, a solid ten years ago. It's time to move on from the Princess Baby strokes a unicorn pastures. And that's okay.

We're now the "gross old people" in the club. That's why I don't go to them anymore. (That, and rap music is not danceable anymore. I miss "In the Club" in the club. Or shaking it like a Polaroid picture.) Remember how much you made fun of those people?** That's us now. So stop trying to make club bangers happen.


Maybe it's time to take up something a tad bit more mature and less like what would come up if you googled, "what would a Lisa Frank porn set look like?" It's cool to let it go, Paris. It's not so bad. Remember how gross the early aughts were anyway? It was all dangly Playboy Bunny bellybutton rings and pointy-toed two-inch heels. You don't want to keep reliving that bullshit.

So let's take out those colored contacts and go get some tea. And maybe go to a bookstore, or something. It's time.



**The first time I went to a bar or club after graduating from college and moving to a non-college town, I literally said, "Why are all of these old people here? Gross."


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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Colonic



If you've ever wanted to see be with a tube up my b-hole, today is your lucky day. For this Outrageous Beauty video, you can actually watch me get a colonic. Ever wondered what that whole deal feels like? Here's your answer.

You can check out more Allure Insider videos here.



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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Happy (Almost) 4th Of July, Here's Your Anthem



Listen, I know that this is fake as shit. And annoying. She's the Latina, modern-day this girl.


But I still can't help recklessly loving this song. Who doesn't love a GD pool noodle? Or have hopes and dreams of walking home with an empanada? And she cleared out Party City's flag paraphernalia section, so we owe it to America to be supportive.


Enjoy your holiday, Americans. If I don't hear you bumping this anthem at least once, I will steal all of your Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and drink them right up in your face. Then drive home, because my blood alcohol level will be 0.0000000004%.

via popsugar

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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Let's "No Thanks," All Over Robin Thicke's New Video For "Get Her Back"



Robin Thicke's first ballad from his album, which is an ode to his estranged wife Paula Patton, is out. And it's a doozy. The song, creatively titled "Get Her Back," is pretty much the musical version of an annoying letter written on the back of a 9th grade Biology syllabus from your "boyfriend" that you broke up with over square cafeteria pizza.


This whole thing is weird to me. I really don't give any effs what people want to do in their personal lives, much less the boundaries of their marriages or whatever boringness, but if your wife has had just about enough of your bullshit, I really doubt that this mess is helping the situation. At all.

I have a hard time believing that PP saw this video and was all, "Oh, you're sharing our personal (or pseudo-personal) text conversations with blood and/or lipstick smeared on your face, while screaming silently into a watery oblivion? Let's get back together!"


You better start using those tears for lube, bro, because I think that this whole deal is going nowhere fast.




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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Bee Venom Facial



The first of my Outrageous Beauty videos for the Allure Insiders came out today. These videos will explore beauty treatments that you might have heard of celebrities and whatnot doing, and maybe want a little more info about.

The first one is all about the Bee Venom Facial, which I had done at the Suddenly Slimmer Spa here in Phoenix. Check it out to see if it hurts, if actual bees are involved, and I end up looking like Kate Middleton.



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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Video(s) Of The Day: Courtney Stodden Shoving Marshmallows In Her Mouth & A Dash Of SJP


If you happen to follow me on Twitter, you might know that I've been re-watching the shit out of Sex and the City over the past week or so. Because of this, I've been doing stuff like googling whether or not Mr. Winkle is still alive. I NEED ANSWERS. During this SATC binge-related research, I came across this brand new video of Sarah Jessica Parker in "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," which has a terrible new intro song that I can't even deal with, so if you happen to watch it ignore that part. Side note -- why is SJP's hair always so GD fantastic?

Anyway, I wanted to do a post that included the SJP/Jerry Seinfeld video, but I couldn't get the thing to embed. Maybe I really am getting too old for this shit. So instead, I'm posting this Courtney Stodden video because I feel like I've been neglecting my Earth angel.



Apparently Court has a new YouTube "show" called Courtney Naturally (uh huh), where she just does a bunch of silly nonsense that somehow becomes sexual. WE GET IT, YOU'RE DOING PENIS HAND GESTURES. 


My favorite part of this whole thing is that when CS started talking, my sleeping (mostly deaf) dog woke up in a start like I had straight-up slapped her across her muzzle with a pair of brass knuckles. Her voice is apparently kryptonite to canine ear holes.

I missed you, Stodds. Enjoy!



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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Orange Is The New Black Makeover Mashup



The subject of this week's Allure Insiders video is one of my favorites (uh, doy). I took three of my favorite characters from my beloved OITNB and created a mashup look from little pieces of all of them. Watch on to see who I chose.

And if you aren't caught up on the show, what the eff are you waiting on? Head over to Netflix and binge-watch the hell of it like any sane person would, then come back over hear and lets talk about it! (I finished this weekend, obviously.)


P.S. If you don't want to "boop" Suzanne, I don't even know you.




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