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Showing posts with label Video. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Video. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)



I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.


I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Brow Feng Shui



This time in my Outrageous Beauty series (shhhhh...I like to pretend I have a series), I go in for some Brow Feng Shui-ing. What does that even mean??? Is there tiny furniture involved? How does Oprah fit in to all of this? Watch and find out.

For more info on Brow Feng Shui, check out Suddenly Slimmer's website.



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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

List Of Things I Can't Deal With Today: Paris Hilton's New Video For "Come Alive." End Of List.



Listen, P. We're pretty much in our mid-thirties, you and I. You are still very pretty and gamine and all of that jazz, but the floating-on-cotton-candy-while-coyly-spouting-sexual-innuendo-in-an-autotuned-baby-voice ship has sailed. Like, a solid ten years ago. It's time to move on from the Princess Baby strokes a unicorn pastures. And that's okay.

We're now the "gross old people" in the club. That's why I don't go to them anymore. (That, and rap music is not danceable anymore. I miss "In the Club" in the club. Or shaking it like a Polaroid picture.) Remember how much you made fun of those people?** That's us now. So stop trying to make club bangers happen.


Maybe it's time to take up something a tad bit more mature and less like what would come up if you googled, "what would a Lisa Frank porn set look like?" It's cool to let it go, Paris. It's not so bad. Remember how gross the early aughts were anyway? It was all dangly Playboy Bunny bellybutton rings and pointy-toed two-inch heels. You don't want to keep reliving that bullshit.

So let's take out those colored contacts and go get some tea. And maybe go to a bookstore, or something. It's time.



**The first time I went to a bar or club after graduating from college and moving to a non-college town, I literally said, "Why are all of these old people here? Gross."


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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Colonic



If you've ever wanted to see be with a tube up my b-hole, today is your lucky day. For this Outrageous Beauty video, you can actually watch me get a colonic. Ever wondered what that whole deal feels like? Here's your answer.

You can check out more Allure Insider videos here.



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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Happy (Almost) 4th Of July, Here's Your Anthem



Listen, I know that this is fake as shit. And annoying. She's the Latina, modern-day this girl.


But I still can't help recklessly loving this song. Who doesn't love a GD pool noodle? Or have hopes and dreams of walking home with an empanada? And she cleared out Party City's flag paraphernalia section, so we owe it to America to be supportive.


Enjoy your holiday, Americans. If I don't hear you bumping this anthem at least once, I will steal all of your Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and drink them right up in your face. Then drive home, because my blood alcohol level will be 0.0000000004%.

via popsugar

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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Let's "No Thanks," All Over Robin Thicke's New Video For "Get Her Back"



Robin Thicke's first ballad from his album, which is an ode to his estranged wife Paula Patton, is out. And it's a doozy. The song, creatively titled "Get Her Back," is pretty much the musical version of an annoying letter written on the back of a 9th grade Biology syllabus from your "boyfriend" that you broke up with over square cafeteria pizza.


This whole thing is weird to me. I really don't give any effs what people want to do in their personal lives, much less the boundaries of their marriages or whatever boringness, but if your wife has had just about enough of your bullshit, I really doubt that this mess is helping the situation. At all.

I have a hard time believing that PP saw this video and was all, "Oh, you're sharing our personal (or pseudo-personal) text conversations with blood and/or lipstick smeared on your face, while screaming silently into a watery oblivion? Let's get back together!"


You better start using those tears for lube, bro, because I think that this whole deal is going nowhere fast.




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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Bee Venom Facial



The first of my Outrageous Beauty videos for the Allure Insiders came out today. These videos will explore beauty treatments that you might have heard of celebrities and whatnot doing, and maybe want a little more info about.

The first one is all about the Bee Venom Facial, which I had done at the Suddenly Slimmer Spa here in Phoenix. Check it out to see if it hurts, if actual bees are involved, and I end up looking like Kate Middleton.



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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Video(s) Of The Day: Courtney Stodden Shoving Marshmallows In Her Mouth & A Dash Of SJP


If you happen to follow me on Twitter, you might know that I've been re-watching the shit out of Sex and the City over the past week or so. Because of this, I've been doing stuff like googling whether or not Mr. Winkle is still alive. I NEED ANSWERS. During this SATC binge-related research, I came across this brand new video of Sarah Jessica Parker in "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee," which has a terrible new intro song that I can't even deal with, so if you happen to watch it ignore that part. Side note -- why is SJP's hair always so GD fantastic?

Anyway, I wanted to do a post that included the SJP/Jerry Seinfeld video, but I couldn't get the thing to embed. Maybe I really am getting too old for this shit. So instead, I'm posting this Courtney Stodden video because I feel like I've been neglecting my Earth angel.



Apparently Court has a new YouTube "show" called Courtney Naturally (uh huh), where she just does a bunch of silly nonsense that somehow becomes sexual. WE GET IT, YOU'RE DOING PENIS HAND GESTURES. 


My favorite part of this whole thing is that when CS started talking, my sleeping (mostly deaf) dog woke up in a start like I had straight-up slapped her across her muzzle with a pair of brass knuckles. Her voice is apparently kryptonite to canine ear holes.

I missed you, Stodds. Enjoy!



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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Orange Is The New Black Makeover Mashup



The subject of this week's Allure Insiders video is one of my favorites (uh, doy). I took three of my favorite characters from my beloved OITNB and created a mashup look from little pieces of all of them. Watch on to see who I chose.

And if you aren't caught up on the show, what the eff are you waiting on? Head over to Netflix and binge-watch the hell of it like any sane person would, then come back over hear and lets talk about it! (I finished this weekend, obviously.)


P.S. If you don't want to "boop" Suzanne, I don't even know you.




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Allure Insiders: Readers' Choice Haul Video



I was lucky enough to get a package from Allure of some of the Readers' Choice products from this month's issue. I dug into this big ol' box of good good and filmed my reactions. Check out the video to see what I got and what I thought about everything.



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Monday, June 9, 2014

Getting All The Details On Benefit's New "They're Real! Push-Up Liner"



Watch the video to get all of the happenings with this new liner, including all the pros and the one tiny con. This lil' baby ain't cheap (it's $24), but it's not like anything I've ever used before.

benefit push-up liner, $24
Here's a close-up of the tip that I talked about in the video. It's RUBBERY. That's the word that I was searching for like a big ol' dummy.


This is a look at the two ways I wore the liner in the video. The Push-Up Liner isn't available until June 27th, but you can sign up to get early access if you want. That's how I bought the good good, because I was all:


What do you guys think? Will you be trying this liner?



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Monday, May 19, 2014

Allure Insiders: Details On My Latest Allure Magazine Collabo



Just in case you don't happen to follow me on the likes of my Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram (WHY THE HELL NOT, BY THE BY), you may have missed my announcement about my latest project that I'm doing with Allure. It's called Allure Insiders, and it's pretty much me and nine other homies that are way cooler and more talented than me, each creating two videos per month covering a ton of beauty goodness for Allure's new video channel.

This is my bio video, but you probably don't even need to watch it because you ALREADY KNOW THIS, MAN. My real, real videos will start next week, then come out every other week. I'll be covering two different categories: Get the Look, which are celebirty/pop culture-based tutorials, and Outrageous Beauty, where I try out different strange or extreme beauty treatments.

Nothing's changed, I'll still be here doing my thang-a-lang on the regular. But now I can just be upfront and be all, "I've got a lot of video editing to do this week. I'm not THAT lazy," when I get sparse around here. And I'm sure I'll post all of my vids here when they come out, so you can peep that scene, if you feel so inclined. Or don't, it's your life.

In the meantime, some of the other Insiders' videos are up, as well as errrybody's bio vids, so feel free to check out what they've got dropping on either the Allure video channel or the Allure YouTube channel. Okay, that enough info for your brain wrinkles. I'm out.

via realitytvgifs
JK, Tamra and I will see you later tonight. Or tomorrow if ish gets sideways (AKA lazy).



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Saturday, May 17, 2014

Well, Earth, It's Time To Pack It In: It's "The Plastics" Video That We Never Asked For



So, I'm about a week too late on talking about this masterpiece of mess, but c'est la vie or whatever. If you've been caught unawares on the shit you just witnessed, this is the newly-formed "band" called The Plastics. This wildly talented crew is comprised of the 33 year old dude that wants to look like Biebs and the homegirls that fancy themselves Jennifer Lawrence and Madonna.

Here's my take on this literal bullshit: I don't give half an eff what you do to your face and body. If you want to spend 100k on plastic surgery and plop a straw-like bowl cut on your dome, do it. It's your life and crazy face. YOLO-alter your face into an actual b-hole, I don't care. It's none of my GD business. Thanks, Salt-n-Pepa.

But you know what is my business? These mofos committing assault and battery on my eardrums with their auto-tuned effery. This is (OF COURSE) brought to you/written by that dude that made the Tan Mom song. Can someone on this planet please hire that guy to do ANYTHING ELSE but make these videos? Closet organizer? Dress sock quality control tester? Denim jacket bedazzler? Professional vajazzler? Anything. This has to stop.

And I have more important shit to focus on.

via realitytvgifs
P.S. Is it possible that Fakestin Bieber's pants are actually worse than the real deal's pantaloons? Too close to call.


Thanks to Amber for the heads up on this crap.


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Thursday, May 8, 2014

TGIMF(Almost)F! Let's Get Down With This Jam.



Sometimes you just have to jam the eff out, because it's (soon to be) Friday night and you feel alright. So you put on your super-slimming, black Mandarin collared shit shirt, fluff your hair bang wave and hit the town in downtown(ish) Minneapolis, or wherever. Major. Nothing says Friday night jam sesh like everything that happens after 1:11 in this video.


I would polish this dude's Napoleon Dynamite spectacles all night long. Take me away to Oasis Karaoke, mofos!






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Thursday, May 1, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro



There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.


Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

via realitytvgifs
Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.


via buzzfeed

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Friday, April 11, 2014

Blogging Note/Happy Weekend: Go See The Special Man

Sorry I'm been lax on the posting this week, homies. I've been working on some other stuff (we'll talk about that another time) that has been taking up all my time. I'M SORRY. I KNOW.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend
Next week will probably be shitty too, so preemptive apologies all around. I'll do my best (which you probably know is like a regular person's worst).

In the meantime, let's enjoy this (I'm 99.9999% positive) Addy Award-winning TV commercial. Because it's perfect.



I know that this is a thing of friggin' beauty because I don't even know who my favorite person is in this thing. It's like picking which is my favorite, wine or pizza. (Psssh, it's wine.)

Anyway, enjoy this tiny dude's hair enigma. I'll catch you on the flip side, or the crossroads, whichever comes first.


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Friday, April 4, 2014

My Life Has Been Pointless Until This Moment, Because Someone (Maybe) Captured A Chupacabra!



Let's be honest. You couldn't even focus on the alleged mythical beast after peeping the more mythical scene on JaQuée's head.(I'm assuming that's the legitimate spelling of Jackie's name.) Is that a teased George Washington wig? If so, get me some wooden teeth and pass me one, because homegirl is the definition of perfection. I want in.

Listen, I don't know what the shit that thing is in the cage, but I'm sure as hell not trusting Arlen Parma's opinion on anything. LAUGH IT UP, ARLEN. THIS IS NO JOKE. You better keep those hater blockers on to protect yourself from my searing eyeballs.

But you know what is a joke? This.


Where did they get this artist's rendering? A late night anime show on Cartoon Network? A pre-teen boy's biology notebook cover? Whoever dragged this effery out of the trash needs to take several damn seats. Quit playing.


The chupacabra bids you good day, news people, and so do I. I really have to go work on some shit. Chupy and I have a ton of new pics to post on our joint "Fans of Queen JaQuée" Instagram account.



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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Are You A Basic Bitch?



Okay, even though my trash box ass watches the shit out of Teen Mom, I think I passed. But I definitely learned one thing today -- I want David Puddy to be my primary healthcare provider.


I could listen to him say, "That's some unoriginal ratchet shit right there," through any general medical procedure.

If all of your indicators pointed toward being basic, don't worry. You're here, reading this, instead of checking out celebrity news on aol.com (that's what my dad does -- so basic), so you're good, baby.


Not basic.

via college humor


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Friday, March 28, 2014

Aubrey Plaza Makes Us All Want Ring Pops To Add Life Drama


Ring Pop! - watch more funny videos

This video really has everything that I need in life: Aubrey Plaza's unconventionally dark weirdness, rock candy masquerading as crack rock, love triangles, and fanny packs. It's Ring Pop-levels of perfect.


I want THEM ALL.





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Monday, March 17, 2014

Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham Has A New Music Video Called "Blowin," And It's About Breezes, Or Something, YOU SICK EFFS.



I'm going to be honest. I have zero friggin' clues what this song is even about. I can really only make out the following things: cele-bruh-dee, friend requestin', stars, and getting air. Wait, is this a fan fiction about White Men Can't Jump? P.S. You can't name your song "Blowin" if you've done porn stuffs. It's an unwritten rule in humanity.


I love when this low-rent shit says, "Official Video," like Meryl Streep made an unofficial video, and Farrah doesn't want anyone to be confused. Also, why is your child in this video? The rest of it is drinking with alleged "fans" and writhing about next to a barn prison door, so I don't really see a need to bring children of the world into this mess. But let's not forget the best part:


Dancing in her twitter avatar box thingy! Homegirl, you are not Alice from The Brady Bunch.


I've had about enough.



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