The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt

pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.

Umbros

Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?

Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.

A T-Shirt Ring

Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.


A Blossom Hat

When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.

A 29' Woven Leather Belt

It can never be long enough.

Slouch Socks

Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.




Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings

Why.


A Shitload of Tendrils

The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.


Or a Rat Tail

Actual Satan?


With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand

Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.


The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes

I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.

Along With These in Your Ear Holes

These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"

Burger King’s Halloween Whopper will be its first intentionally frightening burger http://t.co/dzELHy4X3r pic.twitter.com/2JtLRLklz3

— BGR.com (@BGR) September 21, 2015

I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.

How boring.

And ordinary.

And not even really trying.

Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.





via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider



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The Could-Have-Been-A-Snapchat Video Of The Day: Let's Do Fitness

This is what I did today. Watch if you're so inclined. If not, I totally understand. My life is bullshit.




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WTF O' The Day: Usher Charged His Phone Using A Lady's Bathing Suit Area

Usher Apparently Paid $20 To Charge His iPhone In A Woman’s Vagina http://t.co/szAqmwUrbQ pic.twitter.com/zNpIVKd2qV
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) December 5, 2014

To be logged in the the Book of WHYYYYYYYY, Art Edition™: Usher charged his cellphone using a woman's vagina for performance art. (Little known fact -- the Book of WHYYYYYYYY? was started by Nancy Kerrigan. Too soon?)

sorry i did you wrong, nanc.

This just proves that I don't know shit about art. I usually just picture people painting and stuff, and maybe something semi-scandalous happens, like in that Big Eyes movie. I never thought to put a battery pack into my lady cave and charge my favorite '90s R&B dude $20 to jump start his iPhone. That's just entrepreneurial. And thinking outside the box. (I deeply apologize for that.)

I think if I were going to battery (literally) pack myself, I would power up a panini press. Or maybe a George Foreman grill. You know, give back to the community with my downstairs food. Or I could plug in a boombox that played Salt 'n' Pepa on a cassette tape around the clock. Those are really my only viable options.

Okay, I'm done here. I promise.




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LOLZ Of The Day: Watch Robin Thicke As An "Actor"

Prepare yourself for a big old bag o' gross. That's exactly how you'll feel after watching this monstrosity of an "acting" reel that Vulture was kind enough to create for the universe, featuring the indomitable Robin Thicke in his premiere movie role in something called Abby in the Summer (and also Making the Rules). This shitshow also co-stars Jaime Pressly, who apparently has gym hair throughout the movie for some unknown reason. Notice I keep putting all things having to do with Robbie T's acting in quotations. Watch the video and you'll see why.

I can't even believe that this is Jason Seaver's son.

via realitytvgifs

Aviva just wanted to remind you that she has more acting prowess in her discarded leg than the entire Thicke family tree.

Just listening to RT say, "Ahbbee," over and over is enough to bring on vomit times, but seeing the popped leather jacket collar in the laundromat will really put a b over the nauseated edge. Even Jaime Pressly looks like she wants to throw up a little.

I also never realized how Teddy Ruxpin-y dude looks in the face. Can't picture it? You don't have to waste your pretty brain wrinkles. I did the work for you:

"Jumbalaya...Pffft. Child's play." Such range! So much emoting! I can't wait for the sequel. Breaking the Rules: Abby in the Winter?

P.S. You aren't Mark Wahlberg in Fear. Stop trying to make that weird, husky whisper thing happen.






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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Katy Perry's Craft Store Grill

This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.

Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.

via realitytvgifs

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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Trojan Condoms' Commercial Is Letting Us Know That Old People Are Doing It

Haven't felt like you wanted to vomit nearly enough today? This should solve that.



Well, my uterus just shriveled up and died like a Craisin, so there's that. My brain knows, deep in its recesses, that oldies occasionally get freaky. But, my eyeballs and ear holes don't need that data.

via realitytvgifs

Thanks, Trojan. I'm barren.






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Sh*t That Was Unequivocally The Worst About The 90s

Oh, the 90s, you really were the devil's playground, filled with so many treasures like chokers and Paula Poundstone suits, and then also bringing the pain with some truly awful trash. I feel like this era of life has just recently exited the "too soon" category, and I'm now free to trash talk at will. With that in mind, I present to you the WORST crap that the 90s ever served up.

#1 -- Running Out of Free AOL Hours

I don't know what kind of bullsh*t this picture is talking about, but in my day (yes, I'm one of those people now), AOL's stingy ass only shelled out ten free hours a month. Then you then spent twice as many hours dialing up to get online, followed by yelling at your mom when she picked up the phone to call her friend Mary and ruining your teen chat room game. And just when you were REALLY getting into talking to that boy from Tacoma, Washington about his favorite show on TGIF, the AOL hours rug got pulled out right from under your a-hole and your dumb ten hours were up. Your days were then filled with checking the mail on a pretty constant basis, praying to Andrew Keegan that more hours were on their way. (P.S. This is a 100% factual account of my life.)

Level of Terrible-ness: Not being able to get your Capri-Sun straw in the hole on the first time and bending the pointy part on the end, rendering it useless.

#2 -- 3D Magic Eye Posters

These friggin' things, man. They were everywhere you looked, from your Language Arts teacher's desk next to the "Hang in There" kitten poster, to your grandparents' living room wall. My grandparents had one of the Statue of Liberty. They weren't recent immigrants, thankful to be under the watchful eye of Lady Liberty, or anything, they were just from Alabama.

The worst thing about the Magic Eye posters were you had to half-cross your eyes to even catch a glimpse of whatever bullsh*t thing that was supposed to pop out, pretty much guaranteeing strained eyes and an instant headache. Plus, there was always that nagging little voice in your head saying, "You know that your eyes might get stuck that way." If I acquired permanent eyeball damage from looking at an effing 3D poster when I was 11, I would rage against this world.

Level of Terrible-ness: Finishing a Mad Libs book without ever writing "penis."

#3 -- Crystal Pepsi

Just kidding! That sh*t was the truth.

Level of Terrible-ness: The Spice Girls movie.

#4 -- Eyebrow Shenanigans

cuts on cuts on cuts

where'd your brows go, drew?

This decade was straight AWFUL on eyebrows. We were coming off of a decade where we laid our eyes upon beautiful brows like the ones that graced Brooke Shield's mug, and plunged right into the depths of fiery eyebrow hell. Trust, hell would be filled with sh*tty eyebrows. The 90s were chock full o' nuts doing dumb crap to their brows, from partially shaving them to tweezing them into shapes much, much smaller than a wee newborn's eyebrow. Nope.

Level of Terrible-ness: Umbro butt.

#5 -- The Macarena

Do I even need to say anything about this travesty of both music and loosely-termed "dance?" Between The Macarena and anything that came out of Lou Bega's mouth, this time period in pop music was really a rude ass assault on everyone's ear holes. Seeing the general public from toddlers to walker-bound elderly doing this damn dance for years on years is something that can't be unseen. I'm still not over it.

 Level of Terrible-ness: My mom singing along to Boyz II Men's hit song "I'll Make Love to You," which was one of the three cassette tapes that she owned, and forcing those awkward ass lyrics upon my pre-teen ears on every damn car trip to the grocery store.

#6 -- Pre-Flat Iron Hair Styling

Hair in the 90s was really pretty bad. Having BANGS before the new millennium was damn near impossible. My bangs would just curl up after three and a half minutes, and you could just call that sh*t a day. The other option was to curl your horrid bangs with a big curling iron, then spray the hell out of them with White Rain hairspray, leaving you with what appeared to be a Little Debbie Swiss Roll glued to your forehead. HOW DID WE LIVE BACK THEN?

 Level of Terrible-ness: I mean, look at my ass. It's all a big ol' piece of sh*t, so take your pick.

Thank you, decade of the 90s, for giving me the fortitude to make it through the tough times. I'll never forget you, mostly because you scarred me for life.

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Friggin' Biebs, Stop Making Me Talk About Your Ass!

via daily mail

JB's been in ol' London town for a bit now, and at times been seen wearing this dumbass gas mask. Why? Who the hell knows. I am more curious about the well-being of the person that vomited up those shoes. And why does Biebs look like something from the Super Mario Bros here?

Also, is he having some kind of spinal issue? Is his next album (cough) inspired by Quasimodo? And how did he go back in time and steal my circa 2003 Old Navy sweater that I wore when I worked as a bank receptionist? Is he some sort of wizard? If so, I'd like to put in my request to borrow his pointy hat thingy.

Yes. Yes, I am. Now Bieber, stop the silly nonsense. You look a fool. Again.




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Don't Fall Asleep Tonight...

Because this might scare the tee tee out of you. (Wear your Nighty Nights just in case.)



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