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Showing posts with label Movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movies. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Mug Makeover: Clueless (Cher Horowitz) Edition


I blame the friggin' "Fancy" video. For everything, really, but especially for re-resurrecting (yep, not a word) my Cher Horowitz beauty infatuation. I even wrote about this bangin' cinematic moment briefly in this Allure post, but that couldn't satiate my Clueless hunger.


So I decided that I really had no choice but to do a Mug Makeover for my favorite CH moment. Bonus points for the fact that it's super-easy to duplicate.

P.S. CLUELESS IS ON MF-ING NETFLIX, YOU GUYS, GET EXCITED.


The first step is to apply a nude/light brown matte eyeshadow to your lids. I used "Naked" from Urban Decay.


Next you'll want to line your upper waterline with a waterproof black liner (I used UD 24/7 Eye Pencil in "Zero") to make you look like you've got one billion lashes without mimicking Taylor Momsen's eyeliner habit. Because this eyeball look is trés natural, we're swapping out the black liner for brown (like MUFE Aqua Eyes liner in "Matte Brown") when it comes to lining your upper lid. Let the bottom lid go completely sans liner, then mascara away. I only did one coat (and a half), because Cher's makeup isn't very lash-centric.


For brows, I only defined the tail with Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in "Dark Brown." I also tried to make my brows a slightly straighter shape because, doy, that's what Cher has going on.


Throw on some bright pink blush (like MAC Blush in "Dollymix"). Go for something bright and girly with the world's tiniest touch of shimmer. TINIEST.


Finish your face with a solid nude lip. I started with a matte lipstick (Wet n Wild MegaLast in "Bare it All"), then topped it of with a shiny nude 'stick (L'Oreal Colour Riche Caress Stick in "Sheer Linen"). The idea is to have a decent amount of lip color with a touch of shine.





Okay, your face is done and you're a total Betty, but now let's tackle that mop. Start by straightening your hair, turning it under at the ends like you're doing "the Rachel" -- the later years. Then pull your hair into a really high ponytail, but don't make it too tight and pull it slightly to one side.

Grab a pen (or rat tail comb, if you're fancy), and pull out the section of hair close to your forehead a little. Then pull out some of the hairs around your face to make it grown and sexy. And messy.

If your pony needs a little more oomph, you can put a clip inside the back of your 'tail. It's like a little hair bra. You know -- it supports that shit and pushes it up.


That's the end! Your you-to-Clue(less) Mug Makeover is complete. Enjoy your new life as a rich, 90s, Beverly Hills teenager. I'll just be over here going about my life trying to not be a full-on Monet.

P.P.S. Why did this electronic Fashion Plates fabulous-ity never become a thing? You're boring, technology.



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Thursday, July 24, 2014

50 Things I'd Rather Watch Than The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer


As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.

So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.

#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine



#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky

#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show


#47 -- The Neverending Story 2

#46 --  This, forever.

#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8

#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other

#43 -- Anything this kid does


#42 -- Old people eating soup

#41 -- A documentary about math homework

#40 -- Someone doing math homework

#39 -- A teacher grading math homework

#38 -- Any infomercial


#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos

#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos

#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny



#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)

#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment

#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's

#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie

#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie

#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream

#28 -- Cats eating ice cream


#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video

#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...

#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson

#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying


#23 -- Heidi Montag crying


#22 -- On the Line

#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live

#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage

#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed

#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)

#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)

#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself


#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage

#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter

#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish

#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie


#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once

#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach

#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder

#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"


#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables

#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap

#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance



#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin

#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production


#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique

#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)

Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?


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LOLZ Of The Day: Watch Robin Thicke As An "Actor"



Prepare yourself for a big old bag o' gross. That's exactly how you'll feel after watching this monstrosity of an "acting" reel that Vulture was kind enough to create for the universe, featuring the indomitable Robin Thicke in his premiere movie role in something called Abby in the Summer (and also Making the Rules). This shitshow also co-stars Jaime Pressly, who apparently has gym hair throughout the movie for some unknown reason. Notice I keep putting all things having to do with Robbie T's acting in quotations. Watch the video and you'll see why.

I can't even believe that this is Jason Seaver's son.

via realitytvgifs
Aviva just wanted to remind you that she has more acting prowess in her discarded leg than the entire Thicke family tree.

Just listening to RT say, "Ahbbee," over and over is enough to bring on vomit times, but seeing the popped leather jacket collar in the laundromat will really put a b over the nauseated edge. Even Jaime Pressly looks like she wants to throw up a little.

I also never realized how Teddy Ruxpin-y dude looks in the face. Can't picture it? You don't have to waste your pretty brain wrinkles. I did the work for you:


"Jumbalaya...Pffft. Child's play." Such range! So much emoting! I can't wait for the sequel. Breaking the Rules: Abby in the Winter?

P.S. You aren't Mark Wahlberg in Fear. Stop trying to make that weird, husky whisper thing happen.






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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mug Makeover: Teen Witch Edition

There are very few things that are important to me in life. I'm usually a "give zero effs" kind of gal (bleh), but that does not hold true when it comes to one of my favorite movies of all friggin' time -- Teen Witch.


If you can't get down with an 80s movie that involves witchcraft and chicanery for popularity's sake, heavy use of tutus and denim jackets, and delightfully awkward rapping, then I don't have time for your silly nonsense. So when I tell you that I have created a Teen Witch beauty tutorial, your ass should not be surprised.

And without further dramatics, I present to you my most meaningful beauty look that I have ever created. Sadly, it's not the old lady witch that was also in Poltergeist. Maybe next time.


I would recommend using a sturdy-ass, Aqua Net-esque hairspray if you want your hair to stay. I just used texturizing spray because I wasn't trying to be hard-haired and authentically 80s, so, whatever. Choose your own hair adventure.


You can totally use an eyeshadow as a brow powder. Just please, for the love of Yeezus, CHOOSE A DAMN MATTE SHADOW.


Use whatever neutral eyeshadow you've got hanging around for this part. I prefer to do shimmery on the lid and matte on the crease, but do what your heart tells you to. Especially if you're a young buck. Your eyelids still have years sans-crepe, so play on, playa.

If you're oily, go for a gel liner or a long-wear liner, or you WILL look a hot mess in 13.5 minutes.



Use whichever gloss or 'stick you're into, just keep it in the coral or peach tones. I think that that's the theme of the day -- do whatever the hell you want. Kind of.


Okay, all done! My hair's not AS 80s as real Louise's, but you get the vibe. Do you guys love Tee Dubs as much as I do? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about right now?


Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that?!?


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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote


This month for Allure I covered one of the best things about these turrible Summertimes: movies. I reached way back into my horrible brain and pulled out all of the very best beauty looks from Summer blockbuster movies, with the aptly titled, "The 14 Hottest Beauty Looks From Summer Blockbuster Movies."

I used Grease for the jump off, because no doy. Check out the rest of the list here.



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Friday, November 22, 2013

Get Yo' Fiery Eyes On With This "Catching Fire" Inspired Makeup Tutorial


If you feel like getting them eyeballs to "Catch Fire," watch the Hunger Games-inspired tutorial below.






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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure
This week for Allure, I take sh*t way, way back with 'Beauty Lessons From My 1980s Childhood Idols', featuring the likes of Billy Idol and Jem/boring ass Jerrica. See what it's all about here.




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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I Can't Wait to See This Sh*t: American Hustle Trailer

So, this movie is the reason that the balls of our eyes were treated to Bradley Cooper looking like this. It's also why we saw Christian Bale looking like a true beautiful vision, here:


Calm your nethers, ladies, that ascot is not real life. Plus, there's a lot more sexual glamor where this came from, because American Hustle takes place in the polyester playground of the 70's. Let's watch.

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The awkwardness of Amy Adams of doing that ass shake walk ALONE is reason enough to want to watch this sh*t. Not to mention my girl J Law is looking like a disco-y, slutty, earring model. AND Bradley Cooper has been permed within and effin' inch of his life. SOLD.


Are you guys into this? Or am I the lone wolf watching the sex storm?



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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Quick Sh*t: The Most Riveting Movie Scene, Ever.



Don't ask me one detail about this fantastic scene, because I don't know a damn thing about it. Except that it is mf-ing magnificent. And that dude that leaves the room at the beginning has the loudest footsteps in the universe. I really wish that bifocals had divulged why he needed said cash flow, but alas, he was super evasive. Oh well, just sit back and enjoy this production. And then watch it again.


I have to go because I need to say, "Bloody!" to people and hang up on their asses immediately. Also, "yes, I'm not," is the best non-committal answer I've ever encountered. Yes, I'm not seeing you guys tomorrow.






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Monday, June 3, 2013

YOU GUYS, the Trailer for the Anna Nicole Lifetime Movie is Here.

Remember that time a bajillion years ago when I told you that Lifetime was making an Anna Nicole Smith movie, and I created a fake cast? Well, that ish is on the brink of its premiere (it's on the 29th), and Lifetime used exactly ZERO of my ideas.


But, whatever, I'm totally not mad. Anyway, here's the trailer for this mess.



Clearly, I will be watching the sh*t out of this. I do have one issue, though. I feel like the actress portraying ANS would be better suited for a Jennie Garth biopic. amiright?


DAMMIT, KELLY! STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME!




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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote


This week for Allure, I got off the Gatsby's jock (Finally! Dammit.) and explored my OTHER favorite movie makeup looks with mini tutorials. Ch-ch-check it here.

pic via allure



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Thursday, April 18, 2013

It's Almost Time for The Great Gatsby, So Get Daisy Buchanan-esqued All Up on Your Grill.

I friggin' love The Great Gatsby, you guys. After I saw the initial trailer in December, I was thisclose to cutting my hair into a blonde pageboy. Sh*t is hot. But instead, I made a makeup tutorial so you can get Daisy Buchanan's face on yo' face.



I used products sent to me from the peeps at Beauty Store Depot, which you can find here: gloMinerals Alloy Eye Collection and gloMinerals Precise Micro Eyeliner in Black.


This is the gorgeous-ass picture I  used as an inspiration for the tutorial. DOES THIS NOT MAKE YOU EXCITED, PEOPLE?!? And because you might be a crazy person that hasn't seen The Great Gatsby Trailer, here it is. You are welcome.



Now, we party -- Gatsby style.










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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story



I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.


Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I Must Say Something Quite Rude. (Shocker, I Know.)


via buzzfeed
I think I want to punch Sean Penn. Here he is with Emma Stone at the premiere for Gangster Squad (which I'm dying to see, by the mutha effin' way), looking ummmm, skeevy. And kind of dick-ish, if I do say so myself. When your skin texture is identical to Hulk Hogan's, it's time to do some deeeeep moisturizing and maybe get a facial, or something. Oh, and thanks for getting all dressed up for YOUR OWN MOVIE PREMIERE. Is that a cold day on the prison yard jacket? Nice.


Any of these outfits would be much preferred. I'm wearing the top of the triangle's today.

P.S. Your facial hair looks live a cartoon Devil's. That is all.


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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Atreyu From The Neverending Story All Growed Up

pic via buzzfeed
You w's know that The Neverending Story is my perpetual jam. So I'm going to make this little ditty fast, because I went to a spin class (Shut up, I do stuff sometimes.) and I have actually take a shower. Being a grown up can suck it, seriously. Anyway, the cat with the chunky highlight and the gun show is (kind of) current day kid that played Atreyu TNS. Yep. There he is. Mmmmkay.

In other news, I hope he got to keep that sweet, sweet snake pendant necklace. I've been trying to buy one like that for like 20 years. And you know he kept that tunic and still wears it. I can see it in his arched eyebrow.



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Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Happy Halloween, Eyeballs!



I've kind of got a thing for Alfred Hitchcock. No, not a sexual thing, weridos. And no, not because his last name is awesome. I remember seeing Dial 'M' for Murder when I was a kid and thinking it was all kinds of badass. So I'm super excited about the upcoming movie Hitchcock, detailing the making of Psycho. The only negative about this whole deal is that it makes me want to watch Psycho, and that ish isn't on Netflix. Which is just effing rude, and makes me want to flick Netflix in the armpit. ( I don't even know what that means.)

But speaking of scary mess, have you guys seen the pictures of the skeleton formerly know as Matthew McConaughey?

pic via daily mail
I know that this nonsense is for a movie role, but holy damn. This is the scariest thing I have ever seen. I'm assuming that the people he is walking with are his parents, and they came to see him because they are concerned for his ass. Look past his mom's glamorous metallic leather jacket and at her expression. B is horrified. I'll pour out a little of my milkshake for my skinny homie later.

Will you guys be into watching Hitchcock? Are you afraid by MMc's ass right now?


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