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Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hair. Show all posts

Friday, November 14, 2014

What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair


What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.


This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Make A DIY Curling Wand In 30 Seconds


Sometimes life hands you lemons. And those lemons are in the exact form of a curling iron that happens to be the perfect size, but the handle is c-blocking your hair styling flow. I love this curling iron because it's as big as a mofo and creates treasures of loose waves, but my hair is always getting yanked the hell out by the screws and springs on the clip thing-y. It's like I'm involved in a Real Housesives-esque fight every day.


So I decided to get rid of that shit. And it took 30 seconds. Here's how it works:


Use a screwdriver to remove the clip. Be careful, it kind of springs off at the end. Don't poke your eye out. While you're at it, avert your eyes from my gross nails. I'm a trash heap.


Then unscrew the spring part.


If you want, put the whole shebang in a ziploc and put it up. Who knows, you might want your OG curling iron back one day. I don't know your life.


That's it! I told you this was quick. No more hair-ripping-out-age for this beyotch.


Now you're free to...



(or whatever your flavor might be) your hair freely all up on your brand new curling wand.



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Monday, October 6, 2014

Make Flat Hair Live Life to Its Fullest

My hair is naturally flat, fine (not even foooine) and sad. But at least I have a sparkling personality a lot of lipsticks. Most days I just let my mop air-dry and then style it later, if I find myself doing something that actually warrants having styled hair. Which I rarely do.

But here's the thing about having fine hair that isn't whipped into a frenzy with a hair dryer. It looks like this:

A sad-ass paper sack of bleh. That means I've had to learn how to take that bag o' sad hairs and pump up the volume into something that isn't so "I'm one of those people that wears a t-shirt on Halloween that says 'This IS My Costume', AKA I'm not even trying to try." And this routine isn't even that hard, so it's great for my people (the lazies).

Step One: Root Spray


I first spray the roots of my bangs and through the crown of my head with Sally Hershberger Supreme Lift. I've been using this stuff for years on years on years, and it's my ride-or-die favorite root spray. You're supposed to use it on damp hair, but f the system. I do what I want.

Step Two: Velcro Rollers


Velcro rollers are boss mofos, and if you don't know, now you know. They impart volume like woah, and are an essential part of this flat-to-full process. I put them in right after I spray on the root spray, putting them in at my roots, touching the scalp, and rolling backwards, wrapping the ends around the roller. I don't really care about incorporating the ends of my hair so much, because I'll deal with those crazies later. I secure the roller with one of those little silver hairdresser's clip things, and blast the roots a bit with a hairdryer. Then I leave them in for as long as I can while I do my makeup, ride a tiny Pegasus, pet a bunny, whatever.

Step Three: Make Some Waves


Straight hair is the opposite day version of voluminous hair. So that means after you take out the rollers, you've got to get some bends in those shafts. Hair shafts, you sick brain. How much wave and motion in the ocean you want is totally up to you. Okay, I'll stop with the innuendo. (No, I won't.)

I like for my hair to have a look that says, "I'm the middle-aged fourth Olsen sister that is meandering her way through life and the beds of European sub-royalty," so I wrap my hair around a big ol' fat curling iron and leave my ends out, to give it a messier look. If you like a sleeker, more curled look, feel free to use a smaller-barreled iron and include your ends. If you want a more pageant-y finish, use hot rollers. It's your life. Do you, and shit.

Step Four: Texturize


Now that we've got some shape happening, let's throw a little texture in the bag. I'm not going to harp on my favorite texturizing agents AGAIN, so just feel free to use whatever the hell you want. Just spritz/spray/shake on your product generously until you feel full and fabulous. I should write taglines for buffets.

That's it! We've made our way from limp noodle to at LEAST cooked ramen noodles. Minimum. I'm not at lasagne noodle-levels, but let's be honest, I never will be. Curse you, hair gods! I'm hungry.

Bonus Step: Clip-In Extensions


If you're still feeling blah-haired, there is one final solution: clip-in hair. I use the 14-inch EuroNext Remy extensions from Sally Beauty Supply. If you're looking for amped up volume, clip them in higher on your dome, and if you want length, clip them lower. You can also cut and dye/highlight/whatever them because they're real hair. From a person. Somewhere. I don't really like to think about that.


Okay, that's REALLY the end of this deal. This is as thick and voluminous as I get.

Do you have any tricks to get big-ass hair? Share them with my flimsy strands. I'm down for whatever, as ususal.



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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Hope You Have Your Apocalypse Preparedness Kit Ready -- Here's The Selfie Hairbrush

via selfie brush website
The end is nigh, man. I am ashamed to report (like April O'Neil) that there is an actual product called the Selfie Brush. And, no, this isn't a Mom Jeans-esque SNL skit. This is real, actual life.


 I have so, so many issues with this thing. Here are some of them:
  • Why?
  • The double fedora action above.
  • The way the girl on the right's shirt is tied.
  • The way a person would look talking on this. It would be worse than those old timey handset things.
  • Why?
  • There are only 4.3% of purses that could accommodate that beast.
  • I really don't care to rub my phone through my dirty-ass hair. (Yes, I have a hygiene problem.)
  • How do you even hold this when you're using your actual phone for actual phone things?
  • No, seriously, WHY?
What hurts the most is that this thing is made by the Wet Brush people, and I would sell 37% of my teeth to always have one of those puppies. Why are you effing with us so, Wet Brush People? Just keep those glorious Wet Brushes coming.

via selfie brush website

If you want to buy one of these for everyone you hate, you can buy them here. Jesus, take the wheel. This is exactly why we can't have nice things.




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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Pumpkin Spice Latte Is Here, But I'm Bucking The System And Not Giving Up These Anti-Fall Beauty Favorites

Listen, I'm super friggin' over Summer. It's still so ungodly hot out that I can't even leave my house, and I am completely ready for cooler Fall weather. BUT, that doesn't mean that I'm prepared for the onslaught of all things Fall-themed. The fact that Starbucks already released the Pumpkin Spice Latte is just ridiculous. IT'S TOO DAMN SOON, MAN.


Fall or not, there are a few beauty things that tend to be regarded as #SUMMERLEMONADEBIKINIWATERMELONBLAHHHH that I absolutely refuse to leave behind as I jump into a damn pile of leaves or whatever. Let's discuss.

 Shiny White Talons
I really love white nails. And not only because they are the color of unicorns' fur. Don't be ridiculous. (Okay, that's totally part of it.) But they're typically thought of as the epitome of a Summer color, with that fogey-ass "no white after Labor Day" nonsense. 

So you can imagine my complete and total (Sunny) delight when Floss Gloss sent me their new Fall/Winter polish colors, and one of them was the baddest beyotch of a white polish called Mrs. Tony Montana ($8). This nail polish is a little piece of marshmallow-y perfection. It doesn't streak at all, and goes on without a damn hitch, which is UNHEARD of in a opaque white polish. I love this baby polish, I'll never let it go. No matter what season.

Bright-Mouthed B
(I'm wearing CoverGirl Lip Perfection in Spellbound)
I know, I know. Fall times are all about a vampy lip and shit. And don't get me wrong, I adore a dark lipstick. I really consider myself to be at least 67% emo. But that doesn't mean that I'm planning on giving up bright pink lips any-dang-time soon. It's just pretty, and I'm not ready. Whatever.

If you want to keep on keepin' on with the brightness, you don't have to spend 7.2 billion dollars on a crazy pink lipstick. (Although I do love the Make Up For Ever Aqua Rouge Fuschia lip.) If you can't really get spendy right now, I totally feel you sister. Luckily, CoverGirl and NYX both make pretty fantastic bright lips. I'm keeping it pink, baby. (And red. And dark. I WANT IT ALL, AND I WANT IT NOW.)

Lazy Messy Hair

Most people probably call this "beachy hair," but I veto that because I don't like the damn beach. Whatever you want to call this deal, I will not be giving it up when the season is over. This style is my go-to, mainly because it's the laziest lazy that's ever lazied and doesn't look terrible.

Here's how I do the damn thing: when I get out of the shower, I wait until my hair is damp, then spray it with a light leave-in conditioner and brush it through. Ideally, you would want to skip the brushing to maintain waves/curls, but my hair is fine and just gets tangled as shit, so I have to brush it. Then I spray Sally Hershberger Supreme Lift Root Spray at the roots on the top and crown of my head, and blow dry just my bangs. I let the rest of my air dry, then spray a surf spray (Bumble and bumble is my ride-or-die, but this Wella one isn't too bad, either.) throughout the length of my hair and scrunch it like it's 1989 in this piece, until it's all dry. Total time of doing actual things? Like two minutes.

If I want it a little more done and wavy, I'll pick out a few pieces and wrap them around a curling iron. Usually I don't, because lazy.


What are you unwilling to let go of from the Summertimes? Don't worry, I won't make you stop, like, ever. Get off our asses, Fall. We do what we want.





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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Beauty Science Fair: Avocado Hair Mask Edition


Remember elementary school science fairs? The white backboards that were Elmer's-glued to the gills with construction paper, diapers bursting with food coloring, sprouted potatoes -- that shit was so stressful. But one great thing about the forced attendance to these science fairs was gleaning all of that random ass childhood knowledge without having to actually do the boring work.

So that's really what I'm doing here (well, the grown lady/cheapass/low rent version). I'll do all the work with the beauty experiments and you can reap the benefit of the results, ranging from good to crap.

For today's experiment, I'm taking on a DIY avocado mask and tracking the results, in the style of the Scientific Method. Remember the Scientific Method? Sorry for bringing back your third grade anxieties. Get out your four color pen and take notes.

Purpose: To get hair that's as shiny as a mofo.

Hypothesis: If you blend together some seemingly innocuous avocado and other food stuffs, maybe your hair will get all healthy and glossy glossy.

Procedure: I searched the ol' World Wide Web until I found this recipe for an avocado hair mask that contained all ingredients that I already possessed. Because you know that my too-lazy-to-refill-my-water-glass ass isn't going to actually leave the house to buy some nonsense. I mean, this whole thing really came about because I had an avocado that I bought a week ago with the idea that I was going to make guacamole, then I got shitty and let it go half bad. So here's what you need:
  • Your own kind of shitty avocado (a normal one, not a dinosaur-sized huge one)
  • 1/4 c of olive oil
  • 1 Tablespoon of lemon juice
I put everything in a bowl and mixed it up, and started to notice how Josie Grossie this crap looked.

The texture of the mixture was straight-up (now tell me) guh-ross. I kept thinking stuff like, "Is this what baby poop looks like? Is this what baby poop feels like?" I must have a weird baby poop thing. I wasn't aware. But it was grossing me out.

It says to use it on damp hair but that's just too much damn work, and homie don't play that, so I just kind of squished it all over my head. Then I waited an excruciating 20 minutes. (Okay, it wasn't excruciating. It was moderately bleh.)






But seriously, how effing gross does this look? My expectations for the outcome of this hot mess were lowered to say the least.


After the 20 minutes, I got into the shower and rinsed and shampooed my hair. I would file the way it felt under "meh." So I slapped a light conditioner on and immediately rinsed it out. I followed up with my regular ol' basic bitch hair routine when I got out, which is a spray leave-in conditioner and an Argan oil serum. My hair felt normal, with a dab of dryness.

Analysis: I usually have a semi-hard (heh) time brushing through my hair when I'm blow drying it, and I can never just blow dry and go. I have to curl or flat iron (or air-dry and leave it the hell alone) to keep it from looking slightly puffy and pre-styling tools middle school-y. A bitch that can do a blowout and call it a day, I am not.

But I found that I could easily run a round brush through my hair, which pretty much never happens. And as my hair dried, it was looking as smooth as that terrible Santana/Rob Thomas song. My ends weren't weird and my mop was shining bright like a diamond, circa 2012. (I apologize for the surplus of dated musical references. I've had wine and it's late.)


Conclusion: I was wholly prepared to be all, "My hair feels like a greased-up porcupine's b-hole," right to your face, but I was wrong. Like a big dummy. This shit is the bee's knees. The only con to this whole deal was that my oily roots were oily, so I would probably hit up the shampoo twice. Rinse and repeat et al.

Overall, my hair feels amazing. It hasn't feel this soft 'n' silky in recent times. It's like Jennifer-Aniston-when-her-hair-was-at-its-peak-levels of dopeness. I know that this all seems hyperbolic, but I AM NOT OVERSELLING THE FEELINGS OF MY HAIR RIGHT NOW. You know that I don't care about things enough to oversell them. Especially not avocados.


Sorry, avocados.





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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Mug Makeover: Clueless (Cher Horowitz) Edition


I blame the friggin' "Fancy" video. For everything, really, but especially for re-resurrecting (yep, not a word) my Cher Horowitz beauty infatuation. I even wrote about this bangin' cinematic moment briefly in this Allure post, but that couldn't satiate my Clueless hunger.


So I decided that I really had no choice but to do a Mug Makeover for my favorite CH moment. Bonus points for the fact that it's super-easy to duplicate.

P.S. CLUELESS IS ON MF-ING NETFLIX, YOU GUYS, GET EXCITED.


The first step is to apply a nude/light brown matte eyeshadow to your lids. I used "Naked" from Urban Decay.


Next you'll want to line your upper waterline with a waterproof black liner (I used UD 24/7 Eye Pencil in "Zero") to make you look like you've got one billion lashes without mimicking Taylor Momsen's eyeliner habit. Because this eyeball look is trés natural, we're swapping out the black liner for brown (like MUFE Aqua Eyes liner in "Matte Brown") when it comes to lining your upper lid. Let the bottom lid go completely sans liner, then mascara away. I only did one coat (and a half), because Cher's makeup isn't very lash-centric.


For brows, I only defined the tail with Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in "Dark Brown." I also tried to make my brows a slightly straighter shape because, doy, that's what Cher has going on.


Throw on some bright pink blush (like MAC Blush in "Dollymix"). Go for something bright and girly with the world's tiniest touch of shimmer. TINIEST.


Finish your face with a solid nude lip. I started with a matte lipstick (Wet n Wild MegaLast in "Bare it All"), then topped it of with a shiny nude 'stick (L'Oreal Colour Riche Caress Stick in "Sheer Linen"). The idea is to have a decent amount of lip color with a touch of shine.





Okay, your face is done and you're a total Betty, but now let's tackle that mop. Start by straightening your hair, turning it under at the ends like you're doing "the Rachel" -- the later years. Then pull your hair into a really high ponytail, but don't make it too tight and pull it slightly to one side.

Grab a pen (or rat tail comb, if you're fancy), and pull out the section of hair close to your forehead a little. Then pull out some of the hairs around your face to make it grown and sexy. And messy.

If your pony needs a little more oomph, you can put a clip inside the back of your 'tail. It's like a little hair bra. You know -- it supports that shit and pushes it up.


That's the end! Your you-to-Clue(less) Mug Makeover is complete. Enjoy your new life as a rich, 90s, Beverly Hills teenager. I'll just be over here going about my life trying to not be a full-on Monet.

P.P.S. Why did this electronic Fashion Plates fabulous-ity never become a thing? You're boring, technology.



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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)



I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.


I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mug Makeover: Teen Witch Edition

There are very few things that are important to me in life. I'm usually a "give zero effs" kind of gal (bleh), but that does not hold true when it comes to one of my favorite movies of all friggin' time -- Teen Witch.


If you can't get down with an 80s movie that involves witchcraft and chicanery for popularity's sake, heavy use of tutus and denim jackets, and delightfully awkward rapping, then I don't have time for your silly nonsense. So when I tell you that I have created a Teen Witch beauty tutorial, your ass should not be surprised.

And without further dramatics, I present to you my most meaningful beauty look that I have ever created. Sadly, it's not the old lady witch that was also in Poltergeist. Maybe next time.


I would recommend using a sturdy-ass, Aqua Net-esque hairspray if you want your hair to stay. I just used texturizing spray because I wasn't trying to be hard-haired and authentically 80s, so, whatever. Choose your own hair adventure.


You can totally use an eyeshadow as a brow powder. Just please, for the love of Yeezus, CHOOSE A DAMN MATTE SHADOW.


Use whatever neutral eyeshadow you've got hanging around for this part. I prefer to do shimmery on the lid and matte on the crease, but do what your heart tells you to. Especially if you're a young buck. Your eyelids still have years sans-crepe, so play on, playa.

If you're oily, go for a gel liner or a long-wear liner, or you WILL look a hot mess in 13.5 minutes.



Use whichever gloss or 'stick you're into, just keep it in the coral or peach tones. I think that that's the theme of the day -- do whatever the hell you want. Kind of.


Okay, all done! My hair's not AS 80s as real Louise's, but you get the vibe. Do you guys love Tee Dubs as much as I do? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about right now?


Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that?!?


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