Showing posts with label This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things. Show all posts

Monday, June 29, 2015

GUUUUUURL(s) Of The Day: Brendan Fraser And Martha Stewart Went Horseback Riding



In "Okay." news of the day, Martha Stewart shared with our pleb-y eyes that she and throwback dream dude Brendan Fraser went horseback riding together on horses with hair that's way more fancy than ours. Sounds...fun? Let's see what Brendan's horse thinks about this hodgepodge hangout.


I'm reading this as: luxurious and hating it.

We also gleaned from Martha's weirdly punctuated post that BF has a new show on the History Channel called "Texas rising," but probably "Texas Rising." Because I'm a professional (DON'T), I researched this show, and here is what B-boy's character looks like.


Uhhhh...What?


GUUUUUURL.


story via buzzfeed



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Thursday, June 11, 2015

Tipsy Tutorials: The World's Worst Smokey Eye




Well, some people asked for a new Tipsy Tutorial video, and boy did you ever get one. Enjoy my steep, steep decline. And if you've ever wondered what kind of drunk I am, apparently the answer is sad. Very, very sad.

Please just watch this glamorous person instead. I need a piece of burger.













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Monday, May 4, 2015

Jamie Foxx Did A Weird Rendition Of The National Anthem This Weekend



Come with me on a short, non-magical mystery tour of Jamie Foxx (most '90s pseudonym ever, that's still in use) singing the National Anthem at that boxing thing this weekend. I say "boxing thing," because I didn't watch that shit. It's sports, which I avoid more than trips to the gynecologist.

You probably watched it. I feel like a lot of people did. But, did you truly absorb this performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner," or were you too effed up on Tostitos Scoops? I mean, it's not horrible. We don't have a Rosanne situation here. And I'm no singing expert...

video

but this just feels like so lounge singer-y. Listen, I loved "Blame It" and "Unpredictable" as much as the next annoying white girl in their 20s at the time, but why did this even happen? Was Mariah not available? Or even Mariah lite, I mean, Ariana Grande? Or even Eddie Murphy as Randy Watson? Give me something to work with, man.



On the positive side, please believe I'm going to start ending all of my sentences with "fallelujah -- deep pause -- hallelu..."

P.S. Someone please tell what the shit this jacket was all about. NO ZIPPER NEEDS TO BE THAT LARGE, SIR. So many pleather animals died to make that atrocity. RIP to all the plocodiles and plythons on the planet.












video via vulture Pin It

Friday, November 14, 2014

What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair


What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.


This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Farrah Abraham Uses Frozen To Stunt Queen For Ween

via farrah's twitter
This story is about Farrah Abraham being ridiculous and inappropriate, part 4958630. I know, color yourself shocked. On this particular occasion, the grossness lies in the decision to dress up as a character in a Disney movie to sell her sex toys. In case you've found yourself unawares, F Dot sells molds of her lower bathing suit area for dudes to do sex things with. Yay for all!

This is so offensive to me. No, not that she's using a kids' movie to sell sex stuff. I'm talking about this shitty costume. What the hell is on homegirl's head? It looks like a mangled marching band hat and Mother Goose had an alien baby. Her legs are spray-painted white for no explicable reason. She's wearing gloves that really only belong inside a Spears/Federline wedding photo.


Inappropriate as eff. And worst of all, WHERE THE SHIT IS YOUR WIG?

If you're going to pull some stunt shit, pull some stunt shit. Don't half-ass it. Maybe take a page from a better stunt queen's book, bb.


See more pictures of this great tragedy in American history over at Uproxx. I have to go floss, or something. Everything is gross.



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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Hope You Have Your Apocalypse Preparedness Kit Ready -- Here's The Selfie Hairbrush

via selfie brush website
The end is nigh, man. I am ashamed to report (like April O'Neil) that there is an actual product called the Selfie Brush. And, no, this isn't a Mom Jeans-esque SNL skit. This is real, actual life.


 I have so, so many issues with this thing. Here are some of them:
  • Why?
  • The double fedora action above.
  • The way the girl on the right's shirt is tied.
  • The way a person would look talking on this. It would be worse than those old timey handset things.
  • Why?
  • There are only 4.3% of purses that could accommodate that beast.
  • I really don't care to rub my phone through my dirty-ass hair. (Yes, I have a hygiene problem.)
  • How do you even hold this when you're using your actual phone for actual phone things?
  • No, seriously, WHY?
What hurts the most is that this thing is made by the Wet Brush people, and I would sell 37% of my teeth to always have one of those puppies. Why are you effing with us so, Wet Brush People? Just keep those glorious Wet Brushes coming.

via selfie brush website

If you want to buy one of these for everyone you hate, you can buy them here. Jesus, take the wheel. This is exactly why we can't have nice things.




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Thursday, May 1, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Topless Fire Bro



There was a big ass fire burning near an LA-area neighborhood today, so of course the news was there to report on it, wearing their let's-pretend-we're-on-the-Weather-Channel serious outdoor jacket finery. But an absurdly large rain coat and windy day half-pony do not a "GUUUUUURL Of The Day" make. Oh, no. That accomplishment could only be obtained by the shining star that is this dude, who was so douchey that his dog asked for his face to be obscured out of sheer horror and shame.


Not only does this shirtless, snapback-ed wonder ask out a random stranger on live TV, in what seems to be at least an orange on the dangerous encounters scale, but he also opines that the fire is "pretty cool." SIR. GO HOME. We've had just about enough of your bullshit for today.

via realitytvgifs
Sorry, dudes. This b-hole ruined it for everyone. This is why you can't have nice things.


via buzzfeed

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