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Showing posts with label Kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kids. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The "Apparently" Kid And Other Best Bits O' The Day



Have you seen this video of the "apparently" kid? Because apparently I love him more than at least 78% of all other humans. Apparently.
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Apparently (sorry, I can't stop), bears are just like us, and hate Justin Bieber. Yay! According to this story from The Daily Mail, a Russian fisherman-type dude was getting full-on mauled by a brown bear until THE BEAR WAS SCARED OFF BY HIS BABY BIEBS RINGTONE that went off just as the bear was getting down to business.

A few things: a) remind to never move to Russia because it sounds scary as shit, b) HAHAHAHAHA, Biebs, even bears put you in the "Oh, eff no" category. The poor, unfortunate, bear-mauled soul is recovering from severe cuts and bruises from the bear, but homie is going to be okay. As far as having JB's "Baby" as a damn default ringtone, the guy claimed that his "granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke."


Okay, sir, stick to that story. Get well soon and stuff.
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Is Chris Pratt trying to make us all want to kiss him on the mouth? Because if that's what he's campaigning for, it's totally working.

Here he is on a Sirius/XM show rapping Eminem's part from "Forgot About Dre." This really makes me love him 3984230985 times more since I bump to this song on the daily, because it's on my workout playlist. (JK, I'm really horrible about my fitness, so I hear it like thrice a month.) Whatever, Chris, we get it. You're adorable and funny and the best. Just be all of our boyfriends.

P.S. What raps do you guys have memorized? I have a couple of early-ish Snoop Dogg songs, Salt 'n' Pepa's "Shoop" and Biggie's "Juicy" down. Yet, I can't remember to take a damn daily vitamin.



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Thursday, February 20, 2014

Our Fake Best Friend Kristen Wiig Pretends To Be Harry Styles On "The Tonight Show," Is Predictably Adorable.



Kristen Wiig was on the new Jimmy Fallon's "Tonight Show" the other night, and she pretended to be One Direction's (1 Direction's? I'm too old for this sh*t) Harry Styles for the duration of her interview. And it seems like Kristen knows about as much as I do about Harry, AKA the human person under this hair:


Pretty much nothing, except that his shoes are comical. But she's definitely right on about one thing -- carnitas are amazing.


If you missed K Dubs as Michael Jordan when she was on Jimmy's show a few months ago, do yourself a damn solid and watch it here.



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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Glam As Eff Celebrity Kids

We already know that celebrities primarily have their crap together, looks-wise. As if that doesn't wound your ego enough, how can we even feel semi-cool when so many celebrity kids are such badass mofos? Instead of just being insanely jealous of these small humans, I've gleaned some valuable lessons from their far-more-glamorous-than-mine lifestyles, and how they can enhance our boring, adult lives.

Lesson #1: Maddox Jolie-Pitt's brave ass bleached mohawk haircut reminds you to take a chance and get that gutsy cut.
 

If a five year old (or whatever, I'm terrible with kid ages) can get a haircut that's avant garde as sh*t, then maybe you can get more than a trim next time you hit up the Cost Cutters. Our hair can be a kind of living, growing security blanket, and changing it can take balls, but it's also an accessory that you wear every damn day so it better be pretty cool. If you feel like chopping that sh*t and matching your spirit animal Jennifer Lawrence, listen to Sara Bareilles' "Brave" on repeat three times and do it. It's just hair, IT WILL GROW BACK.


Lesson #2: Suri Cruise's constant elegance shows you CAN get your sh*t together and do a DIY mani.


Oh, who is that, Blair Waldorf? Nope, that's mf-ing Suri Cruise, who is in preschool, or some sh*t, wearing t-stap heels and a chic, floral, bubble-hemmed dress. This picture is really putting a harsh microscope on the extent of my laziness. While I find it hard to wash my hair on the reg, Suri already knows how to wear hear metallic handbag in a cross-body fashion.


I know, I know, Suri. I feel your eyes of judgement. I'll paint my toenails tomorrow.

Lesson #3: Skyler Zoe schools us on letting your beautiful curly-haired flag fly.


Hair is the world's biggest case of that annoying old tripe, "you always want what you can't have." But embracing the natural texture of your hair can be a gorgeous thing, and if you don't believe me, just ask this kid's ridiculous lovely locks. Living in these modern times (old), there are roughly 83 trillion hair products out there, so find the right combo that works for your hair and work that sh*t.


Not you, Biebs. Not you.

Lesson #4: Stafani/Rossdale kids are beacons for not being afraid to try a trend.


Listen, these kids are f*cking way, way cooler than you.  Do you have a badass professor-y looking tweed vest? Are you currently wearing a bow tie with a checkered shirt? Didn't think so. But even though we are all infinitely more pedestrian than these tiny children, we can still learn from their edge and flair. Don't be afraid to wear that bold ass purple lipstick! Zuma (Zima? Zumba? Simba?) would totally encourage it. Feel like wearing some super-extreme cat eye liner? Kingston approves. He's wearing flame shoes. Trust him.


Lesson #5: Levi McConaughey needs you to chill the hell out.


I know, I know, life's a b*tch and then you die, and all that jazz. But we could definitely learn a little something from the offspring of Matty McC, and be a little more hippie and zen-like. Stress is one of the biggest things that can wreak havoc on your beauty life and your life life, so learning to deal with it will actually make you hotter. You've got to do what you have to do to decompress -- workout if it helps, drink so damn cozy time tea, read yourself a bedtime story, I don't give an eff. Figure out your deal and make yourself feel better. And maybe try walking a bandana-wearing dog, or something.

Lesson #6: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt says do you and forget everyone's opinions.


Shiloh is a down-ass little person. She's all about breaking down gender barriers and schooling b*tches on being themselves. Shiloh does and wears what she wants, and I love it. If a kid this young can be true to their style and to themselves, then the horrible adults of this earth can all do the same.

Lesson #7: Louis Bullock lives by the motto, "When in doubt, hat it out."


LLASC, you guys. (That's Louis loves a smart chapeau, if you're a lame.) Listen, there's not much better in this life than a bangin' statement accessory, and hats near the top of the list. My favorite thing about hats? They cover dirty hair, AKA irrefutable visual evidence of my laziness. But they also add style, sass, grunge, weirdness, femininity, or whatever deal you're working with to a basic bones outfit. So take a page from lil' Louis' style book and put a hat on that sh*t.


What celebrity kid do you guys love? Did I miss anyone? Blue Ivy asked me not to mention her. She said her life is none of our damn business.



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Monday, November 18, 2013

Shut The Hell Up News O' The Day: Maddox Jolie-Pitt Is Way Grown Up And We're All Old.

Hey guys, remember Maddox Jolie-Pitt?


Here's how I remember him, in all his highlighted, mohawk-haired glory. So cute and 5-ish! (Maybe, I don't know how old kids are...ever.) Well, get your damn granny panties on, because homeboy is, like, 25 now.

pic via huffington post
Okay, so he's 12, BUT STILL. How did I not know this? I feel like I've been Rip van Winkle-d. Is Suri Cruise driving now? Did Shiloh get her Master's in Aerospace? If Blue Ivy is doing bachelorette booze cruises already, I quit this planet.


Okay, I guess I'll go wine and dine myself into feeling like less of a dumb dumb old.



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Thursday, June 20, 2013

This Is Why We Can't Have Annoying Things...

Because it creates other, even more annoying, things.



"It's smells like my baseball cleats. EWWWWW!" Oh, hell to the naw. The original version of this song is already moderately irritating, but this sh*t is ridiculous. I don't have kids, and nonsense like this is why I've sealed up my uterus.


Parents, please don't buy this. It's friggin' dumb, you guys. For future Earthlings (are easy), or whatever, I beg of you.



This was my jam when I was a kid, and look how wonderfully I turned out.



Case not closed.




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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dammit, Jon Hamm is Trying to Force Me to Turn On My Baby Maker.



Here's a shocker for you all, I'm sure -- I don't have kids. I mean, can you imagine? Me, shaping tiny humans' minds? Probs not great. But I might be forced into breeding if it means I get to watch MORE of my favorite hot b, Jon Hamm. Especially when that sexy vanilla push-up pop is all bearded up. Hamm-ster just turned millions of ladies' oven switches to 'ON' with this little stunt of popping up on Sesame Street. Great job in causing mass chaos due to overpopulation of anywhere that has PBS, JON.

P.S. It's probably illegal for me to enjoy watching this in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.


Great, I just got flagged by the FBI.


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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I React to Kids Reacting to My Boo 4EVA, Grumpy Cat.

You guys have seen those Kids React to ______ videos, right? Well there's a new one about Grumpy Cat, and because I am still waaaaaay into GC...

just me & my boo
I had to REACT to kids REACTING to Grumps. Did your head just explode in the time/space continuum? (Whatever that means.)



- Ol' sequin shirt was straight DISAPPOINTED with everything grumpy. THAT's rude.
- Homegirl in the straw fedora has sleeves of temporary tattoos. I'm jealous of that badassery. (I wasn't allowed to have temporary tattoos or candy cigarettes when I was a kid, and look how I turned out...)
- "The Poo Poo Milk Cow Cat?" That kid should write for this blog.
- "Just hand me the shovel???" What in future serial killer hell does that mean, kid? Damn.
- Then straw fedora wins again, with her open views on gender.
- The gingers are totally over being judged, clearly. Sorry, sisters.
- Why is baseball tee/messy hair doing the The Shining scary voice? Stop that sh*t, man.


Viva la Grump, b's.






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Monday, January 7, 2013

This Is Why I Can Never Have Kids


Have you guys heard about how Farrah from OG Teen Mom (RIP) tried to wax her three year old kid's unibrow? Yes? No? Not familiar? Just go read this blog of hers first so we're all on the same damn page. First off, I would be remiss if I didn't say that homegirl should not be writing things. She's using emoticons within sentences. I'm no effin' MLA style writing handbook, but that sh*t doesn't fly with me. But, here's the part where I have to give b a break. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN'T WAX A KID'S EYEBROWS. I mean, I don't think it sounds like a GOOD idea, but it doesn't really seem like a BAD, bad idea. Then again, I know that on the terrible human scale, I am a strong 8.5 out of ten. I am not delusional.

It seems like it's a little Toddlers and Tiaras to literally wax of a toddler's body hair, but it doesn't seem like the worst thing a person could do. I mean, have you seen some unibrows? They can be quite tragic. I've seen a perfectly beautiful man completely leveled to a below average type deal by some effed up eyebrows.

Wearing a fur hat over your fur brows isn't helping, Noel Gallagher.
See what I mean? Tragic. While it's probably best that you wait until a kid is a teenager, or something, to start ripping hairs from their bodies, let's cut this girl some slack. We wouldn't want to make her cry. Will you look at that cry face? Let's avoid that whole thing.

via realitytvgifs
I don't blame you, HBB. This ish is rough.



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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Creepiest Ass Toys From My Childhood.

Bah Humbug, b*tches. In the vein of me hating the holidays, I thought I would compile a list of the worst/creepiest toys that I can remember from childhood. I immediately thought of this first one, because it combines grossness with kids' annoying curiosity, leaving parents answering a ish load of awkward questions. (Well, not me. My mom bought me a book about sex when I was five. Yep, I was THAT kid. Explains a lot, doesn't it?)



I mean, in theory, I get this toy. Puppies are cute, and stuff. But pretty much performing c-sections on stuffed animals gets into extremely high creep levels for me. Not to mention, after you pull those little w's out the first time, isn't the point of the toy over? What do you do next? Fake wean them?



I actually had Teddy Ruxpin, so I can attest to the fact that homeboy was creepy. He blinked and crap, which I realize was CUTTING DAMN EDGE in '86, or whatever, but it was creepy. I'm also not crazy about the commercial. Kid is like borderline getting bullied by the class, and the toy is saving his ass and making him cool. Great.



I DID NOT HAVE EITHER OF THESE, praise the Lord. Because is anything weirder than a doll that is roughly your size and the basis of a horror movie? Terrifying. Why did toy companies do this to our child-sized asses?!? Plus, the jingle is super stalker-y. Gross.



Now this last one, I don't have any real complaints about. Except that her bright nonsense may keep your ass awake all night, and you'd be too tired to make paper mache balloons in art class the next day, or something. (Don't forget yo' smock!)  I can't remember if I had PJ Sparkles (Hot name, by the way.), or just coveted her, but a huge light up bow and a freakum dress that converts into an elegant ballgown with a tug of a hand? I'm sold.

What toys freaked you out when you guys were kids? And if you're like, "That Bratz doll that came out last year." I will straight slap you.



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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My Child-Sized Spirit Animal Lives in My Town, and I Had No Idea



Apparently this little boy's stage name is "Little Fear," and he has been dancing with the Tampa Bay Buc's cheerleaders this season. My ass hates sports, so I was left completely unaware that there was a little dude that lives in my area that can werk it like a mofo. I've never been so jealous of a young boy.


 Okay, so maybe this is is a close second.



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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I Know I Said I Hate the Holidays...



But I really love Mariah's "All I want for Christmas is You." And this rendition with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots is pretty effin' awesome. Plus, the little girl with the glittery flower on her head is totally my soul sister. All the other kids are staring into the camera the whole time and she's like, "I'm just performing for myself. These other kids are so needy." Plus, there was this...


The side eye that she's giving this boy is awesome. She's all, "What the eff is this kid doing? Friggin' amateurs. What is this, a Barney table read? I've really got to talk to my agent about this mess." She is amazing.

And the fact that Mariah looks like she's wearing star pasties is definitely helping the situation. Faux dress pasties are always a plus in my book. Now let's reflect our younger years with the OG version.



Okay, holiday mode is off again, unless Ryan Gosling rides up to my house on a unicorn in a Santa suit...Side saddle style.



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Monday, November 12, 2012

Random Homie: Fun by Lush Fresh Handmade Cosmetics

Fun by Lush, $6.95 each
I feel like this product was MADE for me, even though I really think it's more for kids. Too bad, kids! Too bad! Fun is a new product from Lush Cosmetics (a brand that I LOVE), which can be used as a soap, shampoo, or bubble bath. But the best part is...YOU CAN MOLD IT LIKE CLAY. Whaaaaat? So, of course, I wanted to be completely overly ambitious and create a masterpiece molded after the Falcor, the dragon from The Neverending Story. I mean, obviously.


Well, come on, people. If you have read this blog for 2.5 seconds, you know that laziness is my number one priority. So instead, I made this.


It's a doughnut! The nice peeps at Lush sent me the yellow (vanilla), green (lemon/lime), and red/orange (duh, mandarin orange), so I wanted to use all of the colors. And naturally, I wanted to create something delicious as eff.


And here's after I took a big ass bite of my fauxnut. No! I broke off a piece to use in the shower, obviously. That little bitty piece was enough to last through the shower, and the combination of smells made me want to eat a real doughnut. And there was no gross residue, which is a pet peeve of mine when using a soap. And here's another awesome bonus from the Lush website:

2.5% of sales from every bar of FUN is contributed to the FUNd, a LUSH initiative which supports charities in Fukushima, Japan that create safe places for children to play outside.

Cool, right? Go see all of the Fun varieties here. Now, I am off to eat a real doughnut. No, I'm not! (Yes, I am.)



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Friday, November 9, 2012

Get Ready to Rock Out With Your...Nevermind. It's Thanksgiving, According to This Young Lady.



I've found my new jam to twerk it to, you guys. This is Nicole Westbrook, and she wants you to know that it's Thanksgiving. I don't even know what the story is here, but I do kind of want that dude's turkey hat. But seriously, are we just letting kids do whatever the eff they want to these days? (Sh*t, I'm old.)



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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Creepy Ass Beauty: I Like to Live Vicariously Through Dolls.

I was kind of a spoiled kid. I had not one, but all three (that was all that was available at the time) of the American Girl dolls -- Kirsten, Molly, and Samantha. My favorite was Samantha, by far. She was a hoity toity b, and came with a freakin' velvet clutch and a fancy ass, albeit somewhat ill-fitting, hat. How can you hate on that ish?

If you guys are feeling a little bit fuzzy on what Samatha looked like, here she is:
Oh, you fancy, huh?
That girl looks guuuurd, right? With ol' Sam (That was her nickname, it was in the story, you guys!) being my favorite toy of my privileged-ass childhood, what's better than finding beauty products that totally make me think of my OG homegirl?
Burberry Brit Eau de Parfum, $72
My first Samantha pick is Burberry Brit perfume. I mean, seriously?!? Boo Boo's dress could have totally been a Burberry print. Plus, she's a fancy b, and Burberry is totally for fancy people.
Smashbox Master Class 11 Meet the Masters Palette, $59
Next up is this badass limited edition palette from Smashbox. Samantha was a painter (you could buy that mess for extra), so this palette would totally speak to her artistic sensibilities. I need this bad boy in my life. Look at all the fun ish you get in this beast!
Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set, $175
Speaking of stuff I want, how freaking cool is this barrel curler set? You can switch out the barrel of the wand to achieve different tightness of curls, ranging from curly Sue to mermaid. Okay, I made that part up, but you get what I'm throwing down here. This is perfect for Samantha, because homeslice had really good hair. It had the perfect amount of wave, and was super shiny. Not like my girl, Kristen. Her mop was a hot mess. Sadness.
LAFCO Tree House (Majestic Oak) Candle, $55
I have a weakness for expensive ass soy candles. This one smells like a tree house, apparently. And that is perfect for Samantha, because according to her American Girl Dolls Wiki page (That exists!!!), "She has a rough side such as climbing trees and feels it is very hard to be a young lady." Anything that costs $55 has to smell amaze, right?
Velvet Bow Stretch Headband, $16
Obviously, Samantha has a strong affection for both velvet and bows (Have you SEEN the size of her head bows?), so this cute Esty headband would be perfect for her. It would also be perfect for me, but that's neither here nor there.

Samantha was one of my first style icons, sadly. Well maybe She-Ra, Stawberry Shortcake (That was a good-smelling b.), or Jem were my FIRST first. Who did you love as a kid? Did you have any American Girl dolls?


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Thursday, July 5, 2012

I AM NEVER, EVER HAVING KIDS.



I wish a pterodactyl would swoop down right now and rip out my eyeballs and ear holes. Where are the parents of this child? Is his mom one of the b's booty popping in his face? Where the eff is Chris Hansen?


P.S. This dude is 6. Like in kindergarten 6.

Hurry! I need something to make me feel like a human again.


Look at that widdle tongue! This hamster is doing more age appropriate stuff than that kid. Damn.


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Monday, June 25, 2012

I'm Not a Parent...

And if I were, I would probably be a half sh*tty one, but I am not okay with this.


Willow Smith has pierced her little 11 year old tongue. I'm totally down with the hair whipping back and forth, the head shaving, and such. I was certainly no angel (Yes, I was! If my family is reading this.), but 11 is freakin' redonk for starting with piercings. What is that? Fifth grade or some mess? I at least had the decency to wait until I was 15 or 16 to sneak out and get my belly button pierced! (I'm old fashioned that way. It was like '96. That's how we rolled back then.)

Send that little sweetheart to get a henna tattoo (which I wasn't allowed to do) or get a hair wrap. That was my jam in middle school.

Am I being an old b here? Are you guys on board with this ish?

Update: Willow Smith is saying that it's a fake tongue ring. We can all unclench now. I totally feel her, because when I was 11 I had fake glasses, a fake broken arm in a sling, and a fake retainer made from a paperclip. (No wonder my teeth aren't straight.)



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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Get Ready to Judge My Ass: Top 5 H's I Wanted to be When I Was a Kid

 Honorable Mention -- Any b from Kids Incorporated


I mean, come on. Fergie Ferg and Jennifer Love Hews...Whatevs. I was jealous as eff as all of these little chicken heads. Young kids singing age inappropriate songs? That gets all kinds of "YAAAS" from me.



 #5 -- The main chick from Ladybugs


 I don't know this girl's name or story. All I know is she was really pretty, and she got to co-star with my super crush at the time, Jonathan Brandis. And, bonus:


 B got to work with Jackee Harry. End of list.

#4 -- Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All 


I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I was totally obsessed with this mess. Her outfits...So avant garde! My fake name when I was a kid was Clarissa. What, you didn't have a fake name?

But my favorite thing about Clarissa was her room:


Man, that ish was hot. I was dying to do all this crap to my room, but my mom was all, "You can't paint over your wallpaper. It will dimish the resale value of the house. Blah, blah." Ugh, white middle-class people are so uptight.

But my favorite Melissa Joan Hart moment actually came just a few years ago.


Tell me you can tear your eyes away. I know you can't. Mmmm. I'm hungry for Fruit Roll Ups, now.

#3 -- The daughter from She's Out of Control

 You guys have probably never seen this fantastic piece of art, but it's magnificent. I mean it stars Tony Danza! (But no Angela, and even worse, NO MONA!)


But it has one of those awesome "from nerd to gorge" scenes:


REALLY?!? She looks like this dude:


Ridic, movie people. Ridic.


But check out this outfit. That heel is almost too sexy for Hollywood. But on the real, this movie made me Down 4 Life when it comes to thigh highs.

 #2 -- Teen Witch


If you haven't seen Teen Witch, I can't even with you. It is the best thing in the world, hands down. Like, the music in this mess will rock the HELL out of your world. The absolute best moment in cinematic history is this one:



Look at this ish. It's flawless as eff. Sigh.


And I always wanted to be the most popular girl. The best part of this is the gangster dude getting super into the musical number:



Ugh, I'll never have an embellished denim vest that is half that beast. I hate my life.

#1 -- The Queen (Princess? Whatever.) from The Neverending Story


Who knows what this b's name is. I've watched this movie about 284982 times, and I still don't know. But that head piece is one of the best things I have seen to this day. Also, she wore makeup and she was like, maybe 10. So. Freakin'. Jealous.

I was also weirdly obsessed with these statues:


Boob envy? Badass wing envy? I don't know, but they are cool.

Side note: What the hell was this all about?


That ish is scary as eff.

As you can see, I was a weird kid that became a weird adult.

Who did you guys want to be when you were a kid? Or was that even a thing for you? Am I insane? (Probs.)




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