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Showing posts with label BREAKING NEWS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BREAKING NEWS. Show all posts

Monday, November 18, 2013

Shut The Hell Up News O' The Day: Maddox Jolie-Pitt Is Way Grown Up And We're All Old.

Hey guys, remember Maddox Jolie-Pitt?


Here's how I remember him, in all his highlighted, mohawk-haired glory. So cute and 5-ish! (Maybe, I don't know how old kids are...ever.) Well, get your damn granny panties on, because homeboy is, like, 25 now.

pic via huffington post
Okay, so he's 12, BUT STILL. How did I not know this? I feel like I've been Rip van Winkle-d. Is Suri Cruise driving now? Did Shiloh get her Master's in Aerospace? If Blue Ivy is doing bachelorette booze cruises already, I quit this planet.


Okay, I guess I'll go wine and dine myself into feeling like less of a dumb dumb old.



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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Justin Bieber is Annoying, Pees in Bucket.




Is ANYONE surprised that Biebs acts like a little sh*t? No. He's also apparently a member of some after school club called "The Wild Kidz." So cute. And he hates Bill Clinton? SO EDGY.



But sadly, JB is just following a long line of douches that like to pee in stuff when there are totally bathrooms available. When Lord Disick has already done that sh*t, it's totally over.

Don't worry, I'm not even going to talk about Bieb's outfit. I'm just done with it all.


In fact, I would rather just watch this video all day than any of this effery.



Enjoy not sleeping tonight.


Biebs video via TMZ



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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Prince Harry Visits America, Looks Hot.

I've never been one of those hoes that's like, "I LOVE REDHEADS. THEIR GINGERY-NESS IS SOOO SEXY." Actually, my mom is one of those people, and therefore, gross. But I will say that I have, on occasion, thought that ginger dudes are sexy and sh*t. And Prince Harry is a fine ginger specimen, especially considering that I always thought that William would be the hot b*tch. Well, color my ass wrong. PH has been visiting 'Merica the past few days, so here's my virtual Princely ginger stalking round up.

"Round of applause if you like my bangs, guys. And thanks, England, for sending the hot one."
Even this lady business looking curtain is into it.
"America, please calm your ovaries." -PH "We can't." -America
Just how exactly does one apply to be in the British military? I'm asking for a friend.
Doing hot English sh*t. But the horse's tail looks like a Hell's Angel dude's ponytail.
"So then, I says to him...I says, 'If you delete Basketball Wives ONE MORE TIME from the DVR'..."

B's waiting to try to get down on sexy cinnamon spice PH. Homegirl in the sneaks ain't playin'
Bye, Price Harry. Come on back any time, now, ya'hear?


U.S.A.! U.S.A! I'm not packing my bags for England right now, like, at all. (England! England!)


PH pics via USA Today






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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

In I'll Be Your Agent News: A List of Appearance Gigs for Lindsay Lohan

As many of you b's may have heard, TMZ reported (then unreported) yesterday that emails from a talent agency were circulating saying that Lindsay Lohan was available for hire to do appearances at events such as weddings and barmitzvahs. So even though it turns out that this mess probably isn't true, it prompted me to think of what the best use of Lilo's appearance talents might be. I now present to you -- the top five new appearance gigs for Lindsay Lohan.


My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Okay, so this show hasn't been on for a hot ass minute. But she could ride in on a Mardi Gras float in a showgirl outfit or something. Effin' perfection. How am I not an agent?


Grocery Store Grand Openings. There's probably free food and wine samples at these sh*ts, Linds. And they'd probably let you use those badass giant scissors. I would do that crap for free.


Cat Adoption Drives. Homeslice can help the community and cute animals. Maybe boo needs a little furry love in her own life, too. (Not in a dirty way, creeps.) Maybe you and Ali can go halfsies on the kitty litter, or something.


Breakdancing Competitions. There are a ton of a-hem "interesting" dudes (and ladies -- remember that?) at these things, I'm sure. And they've got so sweet, sweet moves. You bring the cardboard, they'll bring the funk, yo.


Netflix Kiosk Openings. Okay, it's not as glamorous as a REAL movie premiere, but $1 rentals are pretty affordable. And you can always pop into CVS afterward and score some designer imposter body splash. Win win!


 But on the real, Lilo, I love your ass just the way you are. Never change.





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Sunday, November 4, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: Beyonce Got Bangs.

pic via usweekly
I don't like them. Nor do I enjoy your ensemble. (To be read en-sam-blay.) Carry on.

Thoughts, people?


via usweekly



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Monday, October 29, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: Guess Who, Who, Who Got an Owl Tattoo?

You can go ahead and virtually punch me in the face for that stupid ish. The answer is Justin Bieber.

And I know this because I follow Biebs on instagram, and am freely accepting your judgement for this. He added the owl tatt next to his Ask Jeeves tattoo, which is a nice accompaniment. (No! It's not an Ask Jeeves tattoo. That would just be silly. Errmmm.) It also looks like the owl might be perched on a paint brush or a broom. So it's either a witch or artist owl. Yay!



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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: Tracy Morgan (Jordan) Has a Shark Tank


Tracy Morgan on WhoSay

AND IT IS ENCASED IN A FAUX SHARK MOUTH. What would Liz Lemon say about this?

via fakezombieseagoon
Yep. That about sums it up.


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