Leonardo DiCaprio Went To Coachella, Was Awkward.

I love seeing celebrities dancing in the wild. They're just like us! We all like doing semi-karate kicks in huge crowds while half-dancing to MGMT, so don't play. Leo's just a regular dude, wearing a newsboy hat (that effing thing), crunking it up in the desert. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, WORLD.

P.S. I can't wait until I'm rich (beyotch) and I can rent-to-own a helicopter and fill it full of newsboy hats, then fly over LD's house and dump them all over it. It's important to have dreams and goals.

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Ready To Have Your Week Ruined? Listen To Your New Favorite Jam, "3 Second Rule."

Life is hard, man. Sometimes you see a sexy mofo, you want to look at them, but you don't know the appropriate length of time that you can thrust your eyeballs upon them. If only there was some kind of ruuuuuuule...Sweet Jesus' Birkenstocks.

This video raises so many questions in my mind grapes. Who the eff are the backup singers on this track? Muppets? Demons from The Labyrinth? Why is there a creepy, disembodied, old-timey lady's outfit posted up in the corner of the classroom? Is this some kind of historical monument that homegirl is sanging all over? WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON AFTER THE 2:30 MARK? No, seriously, what the eff is that? Why is she squatting? Is she having stomach pains? Did she just run really far? I'm not really sure how to live my life from here.

Has there ever been anything more awkward than this video?

Oh, yeah.



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Drunk Blogging: Valentine's Day Is Dumb.

via realitytvgifs

I don't know why this day exists. I tried to wikipedia it, but I don't know what the eff 72% of those words mean. But you know what I do know? Valentine's Day is super dumb, you guys.

I'm old, boring as sh*t and married now, but I was once a young buck, and I've had kind of almost a million boyfriends. (#humblebrag)

Do you know how many Valentine's Days that I actually remember? ZERO. Okay, that's a semi-lie. I remember one. When I was 14 (don't worry, it's not about to get Chris Hansen-ish), I was "hanging out" lite with this guy. Like, we didn't even acknowledge each other at school because he was a Senior and I was a Freshman that looked like this kind of thing:

THIS IS REAL LIFE.

You get the idea. So, it's dummy dumb idiot Valentine's Day and I get off the bus and get to my house, and there's one of those gigantic, white-teddy-bears-holding-a-heart-or-some-bullsh*t sitting on my doorstep. And somehow (I guess he called me on my rotary home phone) I found out it was from hangout homeboy:

ACTUAL DUDE.

And that was the moment that I knew that this holiday is crazy. I don't need your overpriced bear, bro. We aren't on that level, and even if we were, that sh*t was probably $57 dollars at a mall kiosk. You ripped yourself a new a-hole. I don't like flowers (I like them growing in the ground), I don't like chocolate, and I don't like jewelry. Like, tell me you like me on a random Tuesday over some cheese sticks, or something.

Why reserve that stuff for one designated day of the year? Because you know what? I love your asses every day of the mf-ing year. If I could make it rain some champs and chocolate through via the internets every day all of your faces, I would. That's the real real.

Now back to regularly scheduled b*tchery. Are you guys into V Day? VD? Vampire Diaries? Tell me your stories.



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Quick Sh*t: This Picture Just Made My Life

via r simms facebook

I love this picture so much that I can't even handle it. We've got my fashion idol, Richard Simmons, Sookie, and stupid-faced Bill all in one picture. My heart wants to explode with love and disdain. Richard's life has totally been made by this ish for some reason -- look at his face. And Sookie and Bill are looking smug as eff; like they can't wait to laugh about this mess on the ride back to their vampire mansion. Rude. But I think that Richie got mixed up on the premiere date for that HBO Liberace movie and made that hot ass vest from his guest bedroom duvet on the fly. Or like he's taken a part time job as a wedding dress consultant, in hopes that he can be on next season's Say Yes to the Dress. (Don't listen to me. I'm just jealous that I didn't think of those ideas.)

I can die happy (Heh, right.) now. Okay, bye.





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Guess Who's Wearing Underwear That Require a Battery Pack?

pic via buzzfeed

Psshhhh. As if there was a question in your mind/heart/loins. It's my homegirl, C. Stodd, OBVIOUSLY. She chose this elegant ensemble (that's pronounced on-som-blay if you're fancy, like me and Stodd) for the release party of her new single, Reality. If you have a strong stomach and constitution, go over to Buzzfeed and see the pics of Hot Stoddy and her dad interacting. It's, errm, uncomfortable (un-comfor-ta-blay). And while you're into the whole clicking deal, please go watch Court's new music video for Reality over at eonline. Yep, that's exactly how I saw all of that playing out. Yeeeep.

Let's get a little good juju going (or eat some Jujubes, if you want) after all of that.



I think we all needed that.






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My Former Boyfriend, Jason London, MIGHT Have Pooped His Pants.

pic via (obviously) tmz

TMZ is reporting that Jason London, one half of the London twins that made up my dreams in the early 90's and sexy b*tch from Dazed and Confused, was arrested for ALLEGEDLY fighting bouncers, and then ALLEGEDLY used homophobic slurs to cops, AND THEN ALLEGEDLY POO POOED HIS PANTS. Go over there and read all the details if you wish. It looks like somebody MIGHT ALLEGEDLY need some of these:



And when did all of my fantasy men get old as eff??? Dude's wearing my dad's glasses. I AM NOT BEING OVERDRAMATIC OR HYPERBOLIC -- MY DAD HAS THOSE GLASSES. Is this where we are now? All of my pubescent mens that I was totally into are now old, wearing dad glasses, and possibly losing control of their bowels?

I hate my life. But probably not as much as Jason London hates his today. Catch up on his dramzzz on his twitter, too. LUUUUULZ.



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In I'll Be Your Agent News: A List of Appearance Gigs for Lindsay Lohan

As many of you b's may have heard, TMZ reported (then unreported) yesterday that emails from a talent agency were circulating saying that Lindsay Lohan was available for hire to do appearances at events such as weddings and barmitzvahs. So even though it turns out that this mess probably isn't true, it prompted me to think of what the best use of Lilo's appearance talents might be. I now present to you -- the top five new appearance gigs for Lindsay Lohan.

My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Okay, so this show hasn't been on for a hot ass minute. But she could ride in on a Mardi Gras float in a showgirl outfit or something. Effin' perfection. How am I not an agent?

Grocery Store Grand Openings. There's probably free food and wine samples at these sh*ts, Linds. And they'd probably let you use those badass giant scissors. I would do that crap for free.

Cat Adoption Drives. Homeslice can help the community and cute animals. Maybe boo needs a little furry love in her own life, too. (Not in a dirty way, creeps.) Maybe you and Ali can go halfsies on the kitty litter, or something.

Breakdancing Competitions. There are a ton of a-hem "interesting" dudes (and ladies -- remember that?) at these things, I'm sure. And they've got so sweet, sweet moves. You bring the cardboard, they'll bring the funk, yo.

Netflix Kiosk Openings. Okay, it's not as glamorous as a REAL movie premiere, but $1 rentals are pretty affordable. And you can always pop into CVS afterward and score some designer imposter body splash. Win win!

 But on the real, Lilo, I love your ass just the way you are. Never change.

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The Only 90's Tori Spelling Photo Round Up You'll Ever Need. (You Are Freaking Welcome, People.)

If Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus and broccoli had a baby, this would be its hair.

This is a helluva lot of look, T Spell. Helluva lot.

I really just wanted to post BAG's hair in this picture.

What is happening? Even the dog is freaked the eff out.

Dream 90's wedding. Annnnnnd cue vomit.

Somebody get the V05 Hot Oil Treatments in bulk. Immediately.

Holy sh*t. Lumiere is hanging from Donna Martin's ear. Times are tough, man.

My God. No. Is this a Project Runway/Michael's challenge?

I can't ever stop with this movie. WATCH. IT.

Oh, brother. Trim your bangs.

Like I could leave out mutha effin' Violet. Harry Potter bit homegirl's look.

And THIS. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS:



P.S. I still totally dance like this. I am joking 0%.


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Awkward Crush of the Day: Breaking Bad's Walter, Jr.

I'm pretty sure that you guys know that I pretty much hate myself. Well, I can add another reason to the ol' gross list. I have a pretty, pretty horrible confession: I have a thing for Walt, Jr. from Breaking Bad. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, first off, you need to watch this show. It's mf-ing good. Secondly, here comes the gross part. Walter, Jr. is the son of the main character, and is...umm...16. Here he is in the background, behind OG Walter. (He also has cerebral palsy, which is why he uses crutches.)

But, don't call the FBI or anything. I googled it, and he's 19 in real life! So I'm still gross, but not illegally so. JUST weird enough to be a creeper, but not enough to warrant a visit from Chris Hansen. Score, mf-er's!

And I even have a runner up:

I've never really found Joseph Gordon-Levitt sexual at all, but he's looking pretty hot here. This is how I usually think of him:

B was as sexually ambiguous as I was in the 90's. Okay, I'm seriously done exposing my weird ish (for today). Please tell me that you guys develop strange crushes on strange strange. Don't leave this b hanging!



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Sheild Your Eyes: The Top 6 Worst Beauty Trends of All Time.

There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.

Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.

C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase.

Me, in my hot b phase.

Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.

I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows.

Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.

My own tweezer happy time.

Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.

Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.

Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter.

 And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.

Now THIS is gorgeous.

 In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.

I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady.

I want to slap the sh*t out of this person.

I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)

Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)

A typical big ass bang. Hot.

I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT.

Yep. Here I am.

OH. MY. GOD.

Like a damn boss, this one.

If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it.

You are welcome, for all of that.

Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?

Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend.

Not good, you guys. Not good.

Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner

I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see: 

Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog.

My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are!

The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.

No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife.

This is seriously what that crap looks like:

Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party.

Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.

I just met you, and this is crazy...

I don't even know what is happening here.

And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.

I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.

I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.

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