Demi Moore's Boyfriend Has a Pearl Ween.

And I'm not talking about tampons, here, people. This surprised-caveman-looking homeboy is apparently Demi Moore's boyfriend, Will Hanigan. It is not a remake of Brendan Frasier's Caveman, sadly. This is real life.

According to the NY Daily News, dude has a pearl in his wee wee parts because he's a pearl diver, or something:

“He had a pearl inserted in his penis when he was in his late teens,” said a source. “It is pearl farming tradition and he would always joke about it in Australia. He’d boast it’d give girls extra stimulation in the bedroom.”

Can I be real for a minute? I don't even know what the eff that means. I first thought they meant in the hole, but that doesn't even make sense. So like a piercing thing? Who wants to have a weiner o'pearls?

Yep. Totally this dude. I think I can see his pearl in this picture. 

 Not today, pearl pants, not today.




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I Report, You Decide: Leo in Da Club, Cute or Douchey?

Okay, full disclosure (When is it not?) -- I "borrowed" all of these pictures from Buzzfeed. But I really didn't feel like they delved deeply enough into them. Let's take a look at Leonardo DiCaprio attending a night at America's Most Well-Lit Club.

exhibit a: electronic cigarette with extra ciggie behind the ear, heavily chained, and unsavory hat levels

exhibit b: leo is possibly throwing up the "westside" gang signs. tupac fan? i mean, aren't we all?

sir, sir. you cannot see like that. i'm also highly concerned about what dude next to leo is wearing.

alleged superman-ing of hoes.

throwing 'bows and avoiding eye contact

and finally, reverse raising the roof.

So what do you guys think? Is he being super annoying or totally reg-ing out? (Celebrities! They're just like you and me! No, they aren't.) I mean, L Dawg is a grown ass man, and has grown ass man sh*t to do, so I don't know if he's still on club level type ish.

I also like to imagine that he's listening to "My Heart Will Go On" in these pictures. You know he jams out with his whatever out to that when he's home alone.




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Ballsy on a Budget -- Pop on the Mouth (OF COLOR)

I'm writing this in the dark, with a waning energy source, a full-on sh*tty wifi hotspot, and two insane chihuahua hovering over me because the power is out. Someone send the Geek Squad or Ghostbusters or some ish, cause I am not in the mood. Make sure they have a bottle of wine.

make up for ever aqua rouge in 16 fuchsia, $24 at sephora

Today we're getting ballsy with a bright lip, because nothing screams, "I have zero effs to give about what your ass thinks," like bold lipstick. Plus, it's easy, and you look like a badass with little effort. MUFE sent me this bright, bold, pink to try, and I fell in love real, real quick. It's the Aqua Rouge formula, so it's one of those long wear deals.

sephora, $24

I wore it to lunch today, and it only started coming off when I ate something oily. (Gross, but whatever. It happens.) Say you are going out for little sip of the sauce, or something, this sh*t will stay the eff on like white on rice. (Which is a super annoying saying, because what in the hell does that mean, anyway?) And to remove it, I just use vaseline, or whatever, and wipe it off. No biggie. (RIP, Biggie.)

But listen, I know that this stuff isn't insanely cheap, although I think it's totally worth it, so I also have a drugstore pick for your asses. I picked this stuff up last year at the ol' Mart of the Wal's, and the color is really cool. 

cover girl lip perfection lipstick in spellbound, $5.59 at drugstore.com

You guys are lucky that I love your asses, because I had to go searching for this mess with a gifted Bath and Body Works mini candle on its last legs. I was wandering the damn apartment like I was on mf-ing Sleepy Hollow, or some sh*t. It wasn't not cute.

And there you have your luxe (and cheap) ballsy b's. Now my power time is pretty much up, and I am off to find ways to entertain myself that don't involve electricity, or Lifetime Movie Network.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

BOOOORRRRING. I feel so old-timey.

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The Moment We All Have (Not) Been Waiting For -- Tan Mom's Music Video

I know, you guys are over this sh*t. I've been talking about TM Patty K. waaay too mf-ing much -- I'm super over myself. But we've come this far, so I feel like we have to finish this exploration. What if they just got to the gates in Jurassic Park, and then said, "Nope, eff this, " and went home? Newman would have died for naught. FOR NAUGHT, I say. So we must soldier on and be brave.

TMZ was once again up the leathery ass of Tan Mom, and exclusively released this beaut of a music video. Haven't gay people endured enough??? Why are they forcing Highlights McGee to rub all up on her lady blah-umps area? Patty can't even take her own ass seriously, and obviously had to hit up SE-VER-AL happy hours to even make it through this. Somebody call 911, 'cause homegirl's belly button is trying to run away from this hot ass mess.

I don't even know why they made this bull ish. They should have just superimposed TM in this video. It would have been a bajillion times better.



Okay, Patty Cakes, you and I are officially done here. Unless you birth a gnome riding a unicorn, I am never talking about your ass again.

I'M SERIOUS, J LAW. STOP MOCKING ME.




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Your 2013 Ringtone: Carmen Electra's "Bigger D*ck"

pic via daily mail

Hey guys, you remember that hot b, Carmen Electra, WHO IS NOW EFFING FORTY MUTHA F*CKING ONE AND LOOKS SUPER HOT. Ugh, where do I sign up to sell my soul, or whatever? Carm has a hot new jam about the size of her johnson, called "Bigger D*ck."

ugh. remember this sh*t?

You really need to go listen to Carm's song, because it's truly my slut dance anthem of the millennium. But be warned, this ish is 0% safe for work. Even if you work at a strip club, you'll get fired for blasting this, probably.

But don't act like you're too prim and proper to be into this sh*t.

I can't wait to Say Anything boombox the hell out of everyone I know with this song. Get ready, world.











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Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This week for Allure, I got off the Gatsby's jock (Finally! Dammit.) and explored my OTHER favorite movie makeup looks with mini tutorials. Ch-ch-check it here.

pic via allure



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BREAKING NEWS: Prince Harry Visits America, Looks Hot.

I've never been one of those hoes that's like, "I LOVE REDHEADS. THEIR GINGERY-NESS IS SOOO SEXY." Actually, my mom is one of those people, and therefore, gross. But I will say that I have, on occasion, thought that ginger dudes are sexy and sh*t. And Prince Harry is a fine ginger specimen, especially considering that I always thought that William would be the hot b*tch. Well, color my ass wrong. PH has been visiting 'Merica the past few days, so here's my virtual Princely ginger stalking round up.

"Round of applause if you like my bangs, guys. And thanks, England, for sending the hot one."

Even this lady business looking curtain is into it.

"America, please calm your ovaries." -PH "We can't." -America

Just how exactly does one apply to be in the British military? I'm asking for a friend.

Doing hot English sh*t. But the horse's tail looks like a Hell's Angel dude's ponytail.

"So then, I says to him...I says, 'If you delete Basketball Wives ONE MORE TIME from the DVR'..."

B's waiting to try to get down on sexy cinnamon spice PH. Homegirl in the sneaks ain't playin'

Bye, Price Harry. Come on back any time, now, ya'hear?

U.S.A.! U.S.A! I'm not packing my bags for England right now, like, at all. (England! England!)


PH pics via USA Today

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