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Monday, May 4, 2015

Jamie Foxx Did A Weird Rendition Of The National Anthem This Weekend



Come with me on a short, non-magical mystery tour of Jamie Foxx (most '90s pseudonym ever, that's still in use) singing the National Anthem at that boxing thing this weekend. I say "boxing thing," because I didn't watch that shit. It's sports, which I avoid more than trips to the gynecologist.

You probably watched it. I feel like a lot of people did. But, did you truly absorb this performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner," or were you too effed up on Tostitos Scoops? I mean, it's not horrible. We don't have a Rosanne situation here. And I'm no singing expert...

video

but this just feels like so lounge singer-y. Listen, I loved "Blame It" and "Unpredictable" as much as the next annoying white girl in their 20s at the time, but why did this even happen? Was Mariah not available? Or even Mariah lite, I mean, Ariana Grande? Or even Eddie Murphy as Randy Watson? Give me something to work with, man.



On the positive side, please believe I'm going to start ending all of my sentences with "fallelujah -- deep pause -- hallelu..."

P.S. Someone please tell what the shit this jacket was all about. NO ZIPPER NEEDS TO BE THAT LARGE, SIR. So many pleather animals died to make that atrocity. RIP to all the plocodiles and plythons on the planet.












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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

It's Time For Another Chance To Win The Allure Sample Society Box



If you're in the mood to get some free ish, watch this video for your chance to win an April Allure Sample Society box. Then, click back over to the OG video and leave a comment. If you've got your lucky winning pants on, maybe you can cop one of these babies!





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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Seaweed Wrap



What happens when you slather yourself up with seaweed at the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa? Watch my latest installment of Outrageous Beauty to find out.





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Monday, April 27, 2015

(Possible) GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Jamie Dornan's Facial Hair Situation

A photo posted by Mehra Amiri (@mehraelle) on

Hey, remember when I actually did shit like GUUUUUURL Of The Day on the regular? I barely do, too. Sorry for being an XXL POS. I'll send you an Edible Arrangement. (No, I won't, and you know it.)

I had to bring this mess back because we really need to talk about the sexual being that is Jamie Dornan and the possibly non-sexual accoutrement that's happening on his face. Maybe we should have a look from a different angle? Maybe that will somehow switch it from patchy and mustache-y to grown and sexy?

A photo posted by Tequin Greaver (@tequingreaver_) on

Erm, okay. Listen, I'll take JD any ol' way (except as Christian Grey -- ick, nast), but this is making me feel nothing in my bathing suit area. Nothing.

Let's discuss. Am I going through a metamorphosis that's rendering me a dried-up prude? Or is this just decidedly in the "not cute" column? Help.




via buzzfeed




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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

My Favorite Dry Hair Treatment Is Cheap As Hell

I recently bought a semi-expensive-ass hair mask/treatment/thing (don't worry, I'll tell you all about it if it's magical), but I don't even know why the f I'm playing with my own money. My favorite hair treatment costs a few dollars. Also, you can eat it.

Don't start sending me cases of those "crazy pills" you can buy from Spencer's yet, I'm not scooping out handfuls of Herbal Essence and ramming it into my pie hole, or anything. But while you're at the mall, make sure you pop a couple bottles of Sun Ripened Raspberry body spray from Bath and Body Works for old time's sake. Pour out a little for your homie Teddy Ruxspin, and shit. Maybe even for cassette tapes, while you're at it.

What am I even talking about?

Olive oil -- I'm talking about GD olive oil as a treatment for dry-as-hell hair. Actually, send my those pills. I think I need them.

Here's how to get moisturized, shiny hair from your kitchen cabinet:


Just get whatever-the-hell olive oil you feel like using or have on hand. You don't have to use my bougie-ass organic stuff, it just has to be made from squished-up olives.

Then, if you have long hair, make a ponytail with your ol' thirsty hair at the crown of your head. I do this to avoid getting oil on my scalp, and making the oily mess of my roots even worse. This way you can target the dry ends of your mop really easily, and it saves a ton of time. (LAZIES 4LYFE.)

Next, start applying the oil. I start with a half-handful-ish amount and go from there. How much you'll need depends on the length/texture/whatever, you've been through this shit, of your hair. Use the amount that gets it nice and saturated and feels appropriate. You know how you do.


After you've reached the level of oiliness that you feel comfortable with, put your hair in a bun and let it marinate like a sexy chicken breast. (Do you marinate stuff in olive oil? How am I an adult?)

I let it do it's damn thing for at least 30 minutes. If you want, you can go longer, you can put it in a shower cap, you can add heat to help it penetrate (heh). Put it in a Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet for all I care, just let it sit for at least 30 minutes to work its magic.

After at least one Judy Judge episode, finish by shampooing and conditioning like you would on a regular day. You don't have to skip conditioner or your normal styling shit, you do your thing.

Here are the ultimate results:


Listen, this is as glossy and hydrated as my sad-sack, abused strands get. I have insanely hard water and have bleached/dyed my hair to hell and back, so this is the equivalent of a Rapunzel wig sprouting out of my head.


Not to mention, you probably already have olive oil in your kitchen. You really should, so you can make yourself a celebratory Caprese salad, or some shit, afterward.

Huzzah!




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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Game Of Thrones Khaleesi



Did you watch Game of Thrones the other night? Were you all, "the eff is going on?" or was it just me? There are so many damn characters on that show that I sometimes can't keep up.

One character I can keep up with is that gorgeous-ass Khaleesi. So, of course, I had to do a GoT hair and makeup tutorial inspired by her. Because I want to ride around on dragons. Or something.

Watch if you're so inclined. You know how I do.




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Monday, April 13, 2015

Sharpen Your Pitchforks, Here's My Beauty Confession: I Hate Contouring

This might piss you off, but I've held this in my mind prison long enough: I hate contouring.

Okay, maybe hate is a bit strong. But I'm extremely fed-up with it in encroaching on everyday life. And like most things in life, I blame Kim Kardashian for this entire thing.



Here she is, the Kontouring Kween, perfectly demonstrating one of my major issues with contouring your face -- it looks pretty shitty most of the time, when you're just walking around in your life buying Diet Cokes, or whatever. Because our faces are made of human skin, featuring boring stuff like oils and pores and other organ-y things. And when you aren't on a stage, or in a photoshoot, contouring usually looks one of three ways: like you didn't even do it, like it's screaming, "HEY, I CONTOURED MUH FACE," or like you just have dirt on your face. Pick your poison.

Why am I even talking (typing?) about this right now? Well, I have tried to wait for the contouring madness to die down, and just go about my life, but a ton of people that I love and care about are continually being affected by contouring. You might think I'm being hyperbolic right now, but here's a taste of contouring issues, just from the past month or so.

This first text is from someone that actually had contouring done by the man who is responsible for Kim K's contour. So, the utmost expert in their field.


Okay, so how about someone that tried it on themselves, just for something fun on a special occasion? Here's a text from another friend.

 

Hmmm, not great. Then I also get a lot of the following, where people are just like, "What the eff is even going on?!?"


Listen, you know me. I'm an NOT an anti-ass-load of makeup propagandist. I am firmly pro-ass-loads of makeup, in fact. There's just a time and place for concealing the actual shape of your facial features, and picking up a couple of delicious Blizzards from DQ is not necessarily it. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR JAW/NOSE/CHEEK/FOREHEAD SHAPE, WORLD. But if you find yourself on stage as a Dolly Parton impersonator, contour away. Also, give me your number. I want to know you.

There are ways to look more rested, vibrant and like your face was gently swatted awake with a unicorn's treasure-filled tail beyond contouring, and they don't take a master's degree in blending to achieve. One of the best is Trish McEvoy's "triangle of light" method, which you can read about here. And all you need is a concealer that you probably already own.

If you want to add a little more glowy shit to your face, might I suggest bronzer? Just put it on the places where the sun would naturally hit: forehead, cheeks, a dab on the nose and chin. If you want to get fancy-ish, do the ol' three shape bronzer trick. That's it.

At the end of the day, you know I want you to do whatever the hell it is that makes you happy. But don't feel like you have to contour your face into an alien; you don't. It's not going to make you feel happier or extra famous. Just more makeup-y. Now, I'll get off my effing high horse and get back to posting constant gifs.


Thanks, Brit. We needed that.

You can send your hate emails to idontcare@blahwhateverblah.com.




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