Monday, October 5, 2015

To Do Or Not To Do: Matthew McConaughey's Latest Not Hot Character

Real talk: would you do this man?

Here we find Matthew McConaughey, filming some movie called Gold, and looking like a sexually confusing hot mess. According to Wikipedia, the movie is about "an unlucky man Kenny Wells (Matthew McConaughey), who teams-up with a geologist Michael Acosta (Édgar Ramírez) to find gold deep in the uncharted jungles of Indonesia."

I guess if you don't want to be unlucky in life, one should avoid cockatoo-themed novelty ties? 

But back to the task at hand -- would you? You know that under those ill-fitting pleated slacks lies actual Matthew McConaughey in all his weird glory, but that tongue is very...there.

I'm going to have to pass.

Instead, I choose to partake in this puppy's puppy talk.

Sorry, MM, you will never be this cute.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Beauty Science Fair: I Dyed My Eyebrows And I'll Never Go Back

If you don't follow me on social media, you might not have heard the very exciting and important world news that I have dyed my hair darker. Mourn or celebrate appropriately.

Because I'm naturally a blah, dirty-ass blonde, my natural eyebrows have followed boring suit, and are also a blah, dirty-ass blonde. With my new hair color happenings, I decided to go against nature, as I do with every fiber of my being, and dye those MF-ers. F this life.

I bought this Godefroy kit from Amazon for about $15 to get the job done, and it has a supply of 20 little pre-measured capsules (to also get the job done). Each application is supposed to last about six weeks, but I'm betting on roughly three weeks, based on absolutely nothing but my feelings and life mediations.

This is how the process goes. (AND IT'S EASY AS SHIT, MAN.)

You first need to wash your brows. I just took a shitty washcloth with a little soap and face wash and cleaned off all my normcore eyebrow stuff. (JK, it's the opposite of normcore. It's insanely intense for everyday wear.)

Next, just mix up the supplies. You dump one tiny capsule in a cup with a tiny amount of developer (it comes with a little measuring cup), and stir it up, little darling. Then apply the mixture with the handy-ass angled brush just like you would a brow powder or pomade, like in the picture above.

The instructions say to leave the dye on for one to two minutes, but I didn't want to do that because I'm a non-listening asshole, so I chose to go a little rogue. I applied the dye to one brow, waited one minute, wiped it off with a washcloth, and did the other. I repeated the process three times total. I probably could have stuck with two, but I LIKE MY SHIT DARK AND I DO WHAT I WANT.

Here are the final befores, durings and afters.

This is a full-faced comparison, in which I look very sleepy and over it, because I was, but you can get the idea of the difference.

And because I'm all about this scientific method, here these bitches lie with a completely bare face. (But at least not a sleepy face!)

Also, file this under "What would the offspring of a less attractive Peter Gallagher and Gollum look like?" Also, don't make other LOTR jokes, because I've only seen half of the first one.

I would say that I am firmly into brow jobs. Will I leave them completely nude when I'm wearing makeup? No. I'll probably still do a fill-in of some sparse areas with an eyeshadow and top that with a brow gel, but that is BARE MF-ING BONES in comparison to my usual routine.

Brow dyes, I am in you. Forever.

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Monday, September 21, 2015

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Burger King's "Black Whopper"

I could be on an episode of "True Life: I Love Black EVERYTHING." Because my heart and soul are black as eff, and you know this, and I tend to think the darker the better (in all scenarios). So much so that my husband and I were watching some show on Discovery ID, like every second of every day in my life, and it was about some goth kids murdering someone. He was like, "I can't believe you weren't a goth." And I said, "It's too much work and feelings. Otherwise, I would have been." The point of that pretty pointless story is that I like black shit. A lot.

BUT THIS HALLOWEEN-Y "BLACK WHOPPER" LOOKS MF-ING GROSS. Why do I want to eat a black bun? How does that even make this a Halloween hamburger? Nary a candy corn or a snaggle-toothed pumpkin in sight.

How boring.

And ordinary.

And not even really trying.

Just pour some liquid smoke in a box and tell me it's a "Ghost Whopper." I'll respect that more.

via a hopefully inaccurate report from Business Insider

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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

7 Times Tonya Harding Was Your Unconventional Beauty Muse

Whoever created this photo deserves at least one of Nancy Kerrigan's medals. (Too soon?)

Here's a true fact for your ass: I'm a low-key stan for Tonya Harding. Her story is just so crazy over-the-top that you can't help but semi-fall in love with her. She has some kind of Amy Fisher/Pamela Smart xtra-lite appeal to her that I can't explain with actual words that make sense. But just know that she lives in my heart.

(P.S. If you haven't watched it, go watch that ESPN doc on the whole Harding/Kerrigan deal. It's amazing. You know it has to be if I just recommended something from ESPN.)

My favorite thing about T Hard is her whole vibe and style. This is a woman with beauty MOMENTS. Here are my favorite times.

When She Had Those Bangs.

If you never had bangs that looked like fledgling sparrows were nesting in them, your ass didn't have BANGS. Pair them with white eyeshadow and you've got yourself a solid, solid look.

And That Scrunchie.

Tonya was like the kaweeen of scrunchies. Her (imagined) hair routine was like: blow dry with one of those tiny Conair dryers that get up to 989852093845 degrees while brushing through your perm, do bangs, slick back into tight ponytail with a handful of LA Looks gel, tie hair back with a giant (preferably velvet) scrunchie, and call that shit a day. Flawless.

And Also That Scrunchie. (With an Assist From That Blush.)

I told you -- queen of scrunchies.


Signs that you aren't effing around with your French braid: it starts at your eyebrows.

And This One Eyebrow.

Speaking of brows, this is a natural one. Hey dude, it's been a minute since I've seen one of you.

And This Eyeliner.

The Hard learned she was a "Spring" skin tone and went to MF-ing town with that blue eyeliner. Went to all the towns. She was so pleased, that she let Nancy borrow one of the royal scrunchies.


I dare you to find one single thing that isn't perfect about this. I DARE YOU. This should hang in the Louvre.

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Thursday, September 10, 2015

Semi-Tipsy Talks: How To Deal With An Ugly Day

Life ain't all sunshine and unicorn manes, especially when it comes to how you feel about yourself. Here's a (kind of) Tipsy Talk (the first!) about how to deal with an ugly day.

But really just a little. 


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Tuesday, September 8, 2015

This Man Is Your Life Inspo Set To Music

Is this your favorite use of green screen in the history of technology? Why am I even asking, of course it is. Stick it up your ass, Great Gatsby (the movie), there's a new green screen cowboy in green screen town.

This is TV John, and he's your new boyfriend. He also needs someone to turn his vocals way up. And because you are now borderline obsessed with TV John and TV John's life, here is TV John's cable access TV show. Thank you for existing, Reddit, just for finding rare and majestic gems like TV John.

What do you think TV John is doing right now? Maybe he's shopping on Amazon Prime for tube socks.

Or picking up a few new tops at Tommy Bahama.

Or just flying and shit.

TV John for president! (Of your dad's book club.)

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Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Miley Cyrus' New Music Video Is Grossing Me The Eff Out

Miley, what's good? Not this.

I don't even really HATE hate the song -- I can deal-ish with it. What I can't handle is the actual visuals of the video, where Destiny Hope Cyrus dumps a bunch of different shit all over her face and then spits it out. Sometimes it's in slo-mo, sometimes it reversed, but it's gross all the ways.

I don't want to see your tonsils, homie. With or without milk coating them.

And is glitter even safe to have all up in your mouth like that? I can't think about it anymore. I'm getting nauseated and I need a major palate cleanser.

Okay, that should be sufficient. Sweet dreams.

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