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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt



pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.


Umbros


Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?


Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.


A T-Shirt Ring


Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.


A Blossom Hat


When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.



A 29' Woven Leather Belt


It can never be long enough.



Slouch Socks


Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.




Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings


Why.


A Shitload of Tendrils


The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.


Or a Rat Tail


Actual Satan?


With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand


Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.


The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes



I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.



Along With These in Your Ear Holes


These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.








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Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Best Beauty Tenderonis From 2015




It's the end of the year. Let's review.




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Monday, December 28, 2015

Living For Liv: A Ranking Of Olivia Benson's SVU Hair


Real talk: as I've been packing/moving/unpacking/hating my life, I've been watching the shit out of Law & Order: SVU, and by proxy, Olivia Benson.


If there's one thing I obsess over while watching this show (in addition to why every acts like Amaro isn't blazing hot -- does everyone in the NYPD have impaired vision?), it's Detective/Sergeant Olivia Benson's hair. It's an ever-changing and almost always glorious mane, that at times is only like a step-and-a-half below Carrie Bradshaw's best TV hair hair.

I've been drinking wine, so my brain told me it would be fun(ish) to rank Liv's hair looks from worst to best. Let's delve into the mane-ia (OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF) before the buzz wears off.

12. The Worst Worst (Worse Than Capt. Cragen Being Gone)


I HATE THIS SPIKY BABY MULLET. GO BACK TO HELL WITH THAT PLEATHER BLAZER.

11. What Even Is This And Where Is Elliot


While I actually think this color is pretty friggin' delightful on her, but this cut is a snip away from being a bowl cut and a flick of the wrist from an '10 Bieber. No, Liv, no.

10. More Brass Than The NYPD


Oh, look, this hair matches her camel, faux-suede thing. Medium-hard pass for me.

9. Flipping Out Like A Creepy-Ass Perp


This (along with number nine) is giving me strong Lisa Rina vibes, and I mean that in the worst way. I hate Liv with flips.

8. Hot Head Like Amaro


Liv looks like sex with this hair. It's all about that FACE. This is a great Liv.

7. I Miss You Munch


This is old-school Benson hair: not a highlight in sight, and a straight-up round brush blowout, like any lady of the early '00s would covet. It's nice. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when Detectives Munch and Stabler were still in our lives.

6. LIVGOTBANGS.ORG


I like Liv with bangs, so suck on that.

5. Liv's Life And Hair Get Centered


After ten billion years, Benson gets a promotion and a center part. One of those looks really good on her and one of those is meh like whoa. You guess what's what in this bitch.

4. Too Glam For The Slammer


This is pretty, and completely unrealistic to Olivia Benson's busy life. Homegirl doesn't have time for a curling wand. Get out of here with this hair, Dick Wolf.

3. Tousled Waves (Bye-Bye to Stabler)


On the other hand, these waves are much more believable. Back to sex head. Into it.

2. Swoop-y Side-Bang Benson


This highlight placement and swooped out bang are almost my favorite OB hair to be had. It's quintessential current-ish Liv to me. Hair that would turn any Harry-Connick-Jr-playing-an-ADA-for-a-hot-minute's head.

1. Sleek, Shoulder-Length, and Special (Victims Unit)


This is the Liv-iest Liv hair that's ever lived. We've got great color, a deeeeeep side part, volume, and textured ends. It gives Liv (and me) life. I salute this hair, Sergeant.

Runner Up: OB The Cat


This is Taylor Swift's cat, Olivia Benson. Okay, okay. This mofo is cute. And those ears are adorable. BUT YOU'RE NO LIV, LIV.


GLUG GLUG GLUG G'NIGHT.







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Tuesday, December 22, 2015

3 Easy-Ass Tricks To Make Lipstick Last FOREVAH

There are days when your lips are all, "FEED ME (MOISTURE), SEYMOUR," and you slather the hell out of your lips with the glossiest gloss that's ever glossed. Then there are the times that you crave a lasting color on your lips that won't fade away like the hotness of the dudes in Color Me Badd. Group B, this is for you.

Don't even worry, there's no need for you to go out and buy a long-last lipstick for all of that, Jazzy Jeff. There are some easy steps you can take to get that long-ass lip wear without spending one more penny on another lip product.


1. Line Time, All the Time.



You'll start by lining your lips, but not in a brown-liner-on-the-periphery-and-wait-for-the-white-frosted-lipstick kind of way that you might think of when I say lip liner. I'm talking all over your damn lips, like you're using a Barbie-sized lipstick. 

This works like a primer for your lip, and just gets the shit you're about to apply to stick like an Elmer's glue stick for your ass. I will almost always use a nude-colored liner, regardless of the lip color I'm going to apply, but if you want the shade to stay vibrant as eff, line with a similar-to-the-lipstick color.


2. Skip the Gloss, Boss.



Listen, I love lip gloss as much as the next Mariah Carey impersonator (this is just an assumption), but gloss sucks when it comes to staying power. You can quite literally kiss that shit goodbye after one sip from your constant companion, AKA your wine glass.

Instead, use a lipstick for lasting color. Matte finishes last the longest, but I actually picked a pretty moisturizing shade (CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound) for this, just to prove you don't have to use something that will suck all the moisture out of your mouth to get this hootenanny to work. Live your life -- you know how I do.


3. Do It Powdered Doughnut Style.



The last step in the game is to grab a separated tissue or that really thin and shitty two-ply toilet paper and put it over your freshly-painted lips. Apply a translucent powder over the tissue/TP/whatever you want, using a puff or a powder brush.

The powder will soak up a little of the oiliness of the lipstick and get that shit to stay like Lisa Loeb, without any of the drying or discomfort of a long-wear lipstick. Now you're free to go do your damn thing, without that c-block of a faded an uneven lipstick situation.




Watch out mouth, here comes wine.








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Monday, December 21, 2015

This Is Not A Drill: JAMES FRANCO IS REMAKING 'MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER'


In the best thing you've ever heard in your life news (no, Koala Yummies aren't coming back), Vulture has just reported that the possible/questionable/it's-just-a-vibe-I-get douche James Franco will be remaking everyone on the planet's favorite movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Merry Christmas, Happy (belated) Hanukkah, and Happy (early) Kwanzaa.

In even better news, TORI SPELLING MIGHT BE PLAYING THE MOTHER.


This person.


You know, this human being.


The person that's always keeping it 100 on the streets. Totally real. (Tor-tally Real?™)


Just stays keeping it all the way real.


Speaking of real talk, I have this shirt. Bye forever. Or until MMISWD reboot is presented to my eyeballs.

Be honest -- is today the most exciting day of your life? If you say no, I don't even know you.








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Monday, November 16, 2015

Video: I Got Botox Today



I'm not shy about my Botox use, and I got injected today. Let's get all up in it.


I'm just working on these frown lines, honey. And this night cheese.

















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Thursday, November 12, 2015

Here's Your BFF Jennifer Lawrence, Who You May Or May Not Be Over



Are you still into J Law(r)? Or are you of the camp that thinks her whole deal is a shtick-y shtick shtick and you've had just about enough of her bullshit? Like the whole, "LOLZ I FELL AGAIN" thing is definitely a thing now, but I happen to still find this little Hot Pocket endearing as eff, and I hate everyone, but that's just one layperson's opinion.


I did glean an interesting bit from this video -- Jenny LIKES A BOOTCUT JEAN. How Jennifer Aniston 2.0 of her! I bet she slathers on the Aveeno, too.

I wonder if hanging out with Jen 2.0 is like going zip lining. At first you're like, "This shit is fun," but around zip line seven of ten you're more, "I think I'm done and I might vomit if I don't get this GD helmet off."


JK, JL. I love annoying zip lines and I would soar through the sky forever with you. Islands in the stream, that is what we are.

I've had wine.
















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