Loading...

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I'm Having Surgery And Going To Be On Bed Rest, Here's How I'm Preparing My Beauty Life


I have to have surgery on Thursday. But before you start a massive (or tiny) kickstarter to fund a parade in my loving memory, know that I should be fine. It's going to take me a few weeks to recover, but please save your carnation get well bouquets for someone more deserving.

It turns out that I have a GIANT (like, 4.5 inch) ovarian cyst growing inside my body. I took a picture of it, but I don't know how delicate your sensibilities are, so if you like to peep weird, gross shit, you can check it out here. I know you don't know the normal state of my abdominal area, but that ain't it. It's pretty much like I shoved a grapefruit into my belly through osmosis. Or some other kind of science that I clearly don't understand.

I've known that I have this surgery coming up for a week or so, so I've been trying to prep myself for being laid up for a while and not being able to do my usual beauty nonsense. I was already a big ol' dummy and painted my nails, thinking it would make me feel better. Then I remembered that you have to take all of your polish off before surgery to...check your oxygen levels? Monitor your nail beds? Evaluate your cuticle situation? Shit, I don't know.

So, I started focusing on things that I needed to get done to make myself less of a MF-ing horror show after this process. Looking (relatively) human is the end goal.

The Lazy Razor


I hate shaving my legs, and I rarely do it. It's just so time-consuming for something that I give zero to few shits about. But since professional strangers are going to be doing things to my unconscious body, I thought I might as well clean up all ye olde parts. 

And let me tell you a little something -- if I'm using a razor, the only one I want slice up my ankle bones with is the Schick Intuition Razor (especially this Pure Nourishment with Coconut Milk & Almond Oil one -- it's so moisturizing you'll want to hug it). It's a one-stop shop. You don't need freakin' shaving cream, gel, soap, shampoo, conditioner, or whatever the hell you use, and I've tried it all. It's the razor of my people -- the lazies.

Poppin' Bottles of (Dry) Shamps


I'm kind of anticipating not being able to wash my rug on the daily, and that's going to be rough for an oily mofo like myself. Luckily, I've been stockpiling some of my favorite dry shampoos to remedy this sure-to-be-tragic situation.

I've already mentioned my love for the cult classic Pssssst! Dry Shampoo. It's cheap, it smells good, and it's mild. If you're OILY oily, you'll probably need something stronger, but this is a good pick-me-up spritzer.

My newest cheap(ish) ride-or-die is Batiste Dry Shampoo. I got this one at Marshall's for $5.99, and I'm pretty, pretty into it. It banishes grossness a little more than the Pssssst!, so I like it for second day hair. And I'm anticipating third/fourth/fifth day hair up in this mother. HALP.

Anti-Pasty Legs


CVS Beauty Club was kind enough to send me a whole gaggle of new drugstore beauty stuff, and that included these spankin' new Jergens Natural Glow products. Because you KNOW that I'm in a deep and undying love with Jergens NG stuff, I was pretty jazzy jazzed. Also, my legs are so pale right now that they're weird and purple-y, so I'm all about getting tans on my legs and not on my face RN. You know, to look un-bedridden and whatnot.

I used the Jergens Natural Glow Color Primer In-Shower Scrub for pre-tan exfoliation, and it's pretty fantastic. I'm usually pretty staunchly "I Don't Want No Scrub" when it comes to self-tanner exfoliation, but I really liked this stuff. It has a light and non-annoying scent, and totally gets the job done. I couldn't find it to purchase online, so just check your local CVS if you want to give it a whirl. Or a scrub.

I then used the new Jergens Natural Glow Instant Sun Sunless Tanning Mousse, which is completely different from their standard NG lotions, in that it works instantly to deliver that bronzy good good. And this is a mousse, which I LOVE. They dry faster and are way easier to apply. I rubbed it on with bare hands, just to see how orange it made my palms. It was mid-level, so I would wear gloves, especially if you want to do your whole bod.


The final result is very natural and not-Lohan-esque, but also not crazy dark. So if you want something deeeeep, you might need to apply this stuff a couple of times.

The last product is the Jergens Natural Glow Tan Extender Daily Moisturizer. I haven't tried this yet, because I JUST rubbed my damn tan on, but I'll report back and let you know if it allows my laziness to grow leaps and bounds by extending my fake tan. It sounds promising.

Fancy-Ass Feet


My feet are a HOT ass mess, mostly because I haven't had a pedicure in years on years on years. So when I got this Micro-Pedi (also sent to me by CVS Beauty Club), I was like:


My feet are literally and figuratively rough, and I didn't want to be scratching myself up like I live in a sandpaper factory while I lie in my sickbed. N'thanks.

I didn't really know what to expect when I used this contraption. You use it on dry skin, but I did it over the bathtub, because I didn't know how much skin fallout (BRB vomiting) to expect. Let me just fill your beautiful brain with this: THIS THING IS AMAZING.

It's like a little baby sander for your feet. It doesn't hurt, and it really gets the Josie Grossies off. I was very impressed, and that is rare. I love this so much, I want to elementary school marry it.

That's it. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this shit. I'll catch you on the flip side, so in, like, a week or two. I'll keep you updated!





Pin It

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Rock 'n' Roll Massage



I don't do well with massages. I'm super uncomfortable and talk the whole time and pretty much make everyone involved feel weird.

But for this months' Outrageous Beauty, I GOT A DAMN MASSAGE. Did I survive? Did I act like a creep? Is there a shot of my tramp stamp? All of these answers and more on this video. Watch if you're into it.



Pin It

Sunday, January 18, 2015

SNL Making Fun Of Baby Bieber Is The Best Thing They've Done In Years



Very few things bring me more joy than watching Kate McKinnon bring the hardcore douchey-baby-vibes with her Justin Bieber impression, and this is her masterpiece. This is the GD Mona Lisa of faux Bieb-ing.

"Yo, my pee-pee's in there," is my new mantra. I'm going to chant it in yoga and shit. While wearing a codpiece.


And just in (Justin? Sorry.) case this is too Bieber-adjacent for your tastes and you need to get the stank off, here's your palette cleanser.



You know I never leave you on a shitty Justin Bieber note.




Pin It

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Who Wants To Win Something Up In Here?



Allure is giving away some of their January Sample Society boxes. If you want to see what's inside that bad little baby and how to win, watch this vid.

What would you do if I said "WINNING!" right now? You better say you would slap me. Bonus points if you said slap me with Amal Clooney's white satin '90s prom gloves from the Golden Globes.



Pin It

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

All Of Our Nightmares Have Come True: Justin Bieber Is An Underwear Model



I'm not one of those crazy end-of-the-worlders, but it's the end of the world. I'm certain of this because the universe's most irritating infant, Justin Bieber, is showing off all of his cookies and milk as the newest Calvin Klein underwear model. And if that isn't the biggest sign of Earth's impending doom, I don't know what is.

If you don't feel like vom-ing enough, here's a little more fuel to your barf fire.




NOPE. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And now, because I've subjected you to the Bubonic Plague of things to see with eyeballs, here's some adorable salve.


It's so slippery, and his little hooves/paws/foot things can't even handle it! And neither can my heart. Goodbye.



Pin It

Allure Insiders Get The Look: GIRLS Character Mashup



This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.

So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.


Sorry, Earth.





Pin It

Monday, January 5, 2015

Best (Color) Lip Products When Your Lips Are Just SO DRY

Dry lips are a real sack of a-holes. And because it's the height of wintery weather, it's pretty much all-parched-everything right now. But just because your lips are drier than a pair of sun dried tomatoes, that doesn't mean you just want to wear a boring-ass colorless lip chap around all the time. So, instead, I have rounded up my favorite moisturizing babies (with color!) to keep that yappity trap well-hydrated and poppin' at all times.


I really cannot get enough of this Sephora Kiss Kiss Gloss ($7, Sephora). I bought it on an impulse a little bit ago just to get me over that dreaded gotta-get-to-$50-for-free-shipping hump from Sephora, and I've been using it like it ain't no thang.

It's a sheer, bubble gummy pink with shimmer and has a glossy gel texture. It's thick, but not sticky and hydrates like a boss lady. Plus, the container is pretty huge for gloss standards. (It's half an ounce, whereas most glosses are around 0.1 oz.) What I'm saying is -- this is my shit.


Okay, so I guess this stick deal is considered a balm. I really should know these things.

I already told you how much I was vibing on the Dr. Rescue version of Maybelline's Baby Lips, which I am still into. But here's the thing -- you can only use the Dr. Rescue a few times a day because of the menthol in it. It will eff up your life if you overdo it. So I've started using the OG version (this one is in Pink Punch) to supplement my balm usage. It's still nice and creamy...


and provides a nice bit of color to your lips. It's just not mint-like. And I love mint-like.


Speaking of loving mint shit, the top reason that I love this Tarte Maracuja Divine Shine Lip Gloss is because it's minty and moisturizing. But, of course there's one small issue -- I picked a gloss that isn't in production anymore, because I'm a real asshole. But, you can still find it all over Amazon, so only send me one hate postcard. Or post-it. Your choice.


If you can live without the wintergreen times, the Tarte LipSurgence Lip Gloss is another good option. It's just vanilla-esque. So just slightly lesser for dry lip lives. We'll live.

Now go lube up those thirsty lips. Also, tell me if you've got a miracle moisturizing lip thing (with color). I can always have more things. Always more things.



Pin It

storystack

Google