Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Miley Cyrus' New Music Video Is Grossing Me The Eff Out

Miley, what's good? Not this.

I don't even really HATE hate the song -- I can deal-ish with it. What I can't handle is the actual visuals of the video, where Destiny Hope Cyrus dumps a bunch of different shit all over her face and then spits it out. Sometimes it's in slo-mo, sometimes it reversed, but it's gross all the ways.

I don't want to see your tonsils, homie. With or without milk coating them.

And is glitter even safe to have all up in your mouth like that? I can't think about it anymore. I'm getting nauseated and I need a major palate cleanser.

Okay, that should be sufficient. Sweet dreams.

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Monday, August 31, 2015

5 Beauty Lessons I Learned From My '90s Mall Job

A photo posted by Shannon Ray (Gloss And Dirt) (@glossanddirt) on

I grew up in a relatively small town, and teenaged it up in the '90s. So, suffice it to say, malls were everything. And kind of the only thing to do, save hanging out in giant groups in front of 7-11 and paging people from payphones. I worked at CHAMPS SPORTS in the mall, which is probably the most ill-fitting mall job I could ever have, as a staunch sports h8r.

Before we get started here, let me set the scene for you: I was wearing a pink ice ring and a gold anklet I got from the mall jewelry kiosk, which hit my ankle just above my Adidas shell-toes or Pumas, depending on the day at Champs. I had a haircut and chunky highlights also from the mall (see above), but more on that later. It was 1998.

This was actually my third job, and maybe where I learned the most. At least beauty-wise. My second job was at a car dealership, where I learned that men in their 30's will give 16-year-old girls cigarettes if asked, but that's not a super-helpful Soul Sunday lesson. Instead, let's go to the mall and see what I beauty info I gleaned from doing time there.

1. Jerry Maguire is an actual person.

Okay, so I straight-up lied to your face. There are only four beauty lessons here. This first one has nothing to do with beauty, but I needed to share this story with the world (i.e. the five people that will read this). My Assistant Manager's name at Champs Sports was JERRY MAGUIRE. And I could never get over it.

Him: "Hi, I'm the new Assistant Manager, Jerry Maguire"

Me: "Wait, what? Like JERRY MAGUIRE, Jerry Maguire????"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Wow! What was that like, when you first heard about the movie? Did you freak out? Did you scream in the movie theater? Did you pee just a little bit? Did you slap someone with a pair of satin gloves?"

Him: "No. It wasn't really a big deal."


YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE A MOVIE NAME, SIR. NOT EVEN A TOM CRUISE MOVIE. I spoke to him as little as possible after that.

2. Mall hair cuts can eff you up, man.

My actual haircut was pretty much this gif. It was very shitty.

I got my hair done in the mall because, uhh doy, I worked there and could strut my ass down there in less time than it took to drink an Orange Julius. A perfectly pleasant-ish woman close to retirement age would highlight and cut it to my non-specification every couple months. I said I wanted to have hair the color of Heather Locklear's (THIS IS SO '90s), and ended up with chunky highlights. I told her to give my a fun haircut, and ended up having THAT for my senior pictures.

Listen, #NotAllMallHaircuts are bad haircuts. Just choose your adventure carefully. And bring extra Heather Locklear pictures.

3. Work your shit, even when you get in trouble for it.

A part of the Champs Sports sporty uniform included khaki shorts. My shorts happened to be very short khaki shorts. During one of my short-shorted shifts, the Regional Manager came to visit the store. This man informed me that my shorts were too short. I told him I wasn't changing, and the only reason people even came in the store was because of my shorts. Oh, 17-year-old bravado, you are such an asshole-y card. I somehow did not get fired, or even in trouble, and I kept wearing the shorts.

Bottom line -- if ever there is a time to show all that gam, it's when you're a rude 17-year-old. So do you, and eff what a mid-level manager type has to say. Have you seen Kylie Jenner?

4. You can still lace up a Nike with really long acrylic nails.

My high school acrylic nails were long as hell. They were so long that they almost started curling back toward my palm. But I didn't let those plastic talons hold me back from completing my mall job duties. I could lace a K Swiss in record time. I could spray the Michael Jordan cologne sample on the drop of a dime. (Am I writing a poem right now?) I could ring up those no-show athletic socks tout suite.

Other non-mall job duties I could perform included: inserting/removing contact lenses, applying chocolate brown lipstick with just a hint of frost, and opening and closing the clasps on chokers from Contempo Casuals.

Don't you ever let someone tell you your beauty choices are limiting and ridiculous, even if they probably are.

5. Cocoa butter is the tits.

My manager at Champs Sports was a giant of a man with deep, glowy skin, and probably the last person I would think would give my a beauty love to last a lifetime. He was a really manly type of dude.

But one day, after a long shift of my adolescent complaining about dry hands, he opened a drawer and tossed me a tube of something. "What's this?" I said, completely unfamiliar with this new lotion he had tossed into my Edward Scissorhands hands. He was like, "You've never heard of cocoa butter? Try it." AND THAT'S WHEN I FELL IN MF-ing LOVE. (With the cocoa butter, not the manager. He was like 30-something.)

If you have read this blog for even three seconds, you know I have an undying, ride-or-die love for cocoa butter. It's one of the only products I have used consistently for over 15 years. And I owe it all to that man, whose name I can't remember, because it wasn't Jerry Maguire.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

6 Times You Wished You Were In The Maury Audience

I will not be completely hyperbolic and proclaim that I've seen "every episode of Maury." In fact, I haven't watched it in, like, three years. Okay, two. But, I have experienced a SHIT-TON of MP in my day. The photo above is from my own phone. I have receipts.

I think we all can agree that Maury is batshit insane. Like, if your Tinder/Grindr/Ashley Madison date was like, "You know what I'm really passionate about? Maury Povich," you'd probably promptly finish your non-virgin Shirley Temple with 17 extra cherries and jump out the bathroom window, regardless of safety. (Or maybe just marry them.) But when we keep it real in the diary of our minds, you know that show is entertaining. Open your heart to it, Madonna. It just is.

So I decided to compile so my favorite Maury moments. The times that were so completely ridiculous that you actually wished you were there, so your face could look like this:

We'll start with one of my favorite life moments. I want this to be on my gravestone. Mark my words.

1. When this lady had a cotton ball phobia, but mostly THE COTTON BALL MAN.

Every time I watch this I laugh my b-hole off. I'm sorry that homegirl hates cotton balls and it's ruining her life, or whatever, BUT THIS IS WHY TELEVISION WAS CREATED. For a grown man to go to work and wear a low-rent cotton ball suit and scare mofos. Y'all accepting applications or nah, Maury?

2. When this girl's sister banged dudes for cheeseburgers.

This is actually really sad and terrible. But I had to include it, because I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. The "out of control teen" came out all defiant and was like, "So what? Cheeseburgers taste good." I hope I never forget it.

3. When this lady found a tooth in her bed and she wasn't missing any fresh teeth. (I don't know her complete dental history.)

Whose tooth just pops off and doesn't notice? Were they eating gummy worms and that bitch just fell out? Was it Sonja Morgan? What is happening?


4. Whenever a sexy decoy is involved.

I LOVE SEXY DECOYS. So much so that I might marry them all.

Here's a quick primer on life, dudes: If there's a highly attractive woman in the Maury greenroom, don't make-out, et al with said lady. Especially if you came to the show because someone wants to know, "Did you cheat and get two women pregnant?" Sexy decoys by nature are both sexy and decoys. They don't actually want to see your ween.

5. When this woman found the entire Home Depot ladder aisle stashed backstage and used it to her stunt queen advantage.

And, really, I give her a lot of well-deserved propers, because that is some innovative and dramatic maneuvering.

6. When dudes do "Not the Father" celebratory dances.

And almost all of the world rejoices for some reason. Except for the 5000% girl. She was sad as F.

And I do mean almost everyone -- even the Tupac hologram.

Oh, Maury, never change. You are our beacon of light (and holograms) in this dark, dark world. And here's a pro tip: if you find a tooth in your bed, change the damn sheets, Arica.

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Sunday, August 23, 2015

Lazy Blogging: Girl Group Beauty

A video posted by Shannon Ray (Gloss And Dirt) (@glossanddirt) on

I have a thing for girl groups, as evidenced by my atrocious karaoke-ing session. RIP your ears.

Recover your sensibilities by reading this slideshow I wrote for Allure on the most amazing moment in musical girl group beauty. Check it here, if you wish, Buttercup.

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Monday, August 17, 2015

SLAY-ney Spears Is Still Sexy, And Don't You Forget It

Just in case you were of the mindset that Mizz Britney Spears was done with being a sexpot, YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG.

Soak in all of this moment. The dress! The typical Britney-esque "I have no idea how to pose" pose! That she's winning a GD FASHION AWARD! What a choker-wearing card. That's my girl.

In this photo, it's as if she's saying, "If y'all ever doubted my cat eye-wearing abilities, you are a MF-ing fool. A fool, I say!"

And here, she's all, "Someone come get this child and tell her to stop staring at me. She's killing my hair vibe." Everyone knows that laser beams from the eyeballs of children make one's hair fall flat.

P.S. Am I supposed to know the identity of any of those humans in the background? Ol' cactus blouse looks like Giovanni Ribisi's little cousin. I'm too old for this shit.

P.P.S. What the hell is a Twist magazine? I need a nap and a fiber supplement to get through this life.

P.P.P.S. Whoever spilled that bottle of water under Brit Brit's chair shall pay. SHALL PAY, I TELL YOU.

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Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: My Favorite Daaaark Makeup

Let me be clear (Obama voice) -- I like dark shit. On the inside, my darkness level hovers around Wednesday Adams and Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice arena. I'm not on, like, a Richard Ramirez/John Wayne Gacy tip; clowns are horrifying (and so is serial murder, I guess), but I'm not a lollipops and sunshine-y person so much. As if you couldn't tell by my ability to rattle off serial killer names.

My love of darkness also extends to my beauty obsessions. Don't get me wrong, I love a bright lipstick and nail polish, but I'm just DRAWN TO ROLLING THE DEEEEEEP. (Side note: I miss you, Adele. Where's that new album, homie?)

This post is all about the darkest of the darkness, and here I am wearing brown eyeliner in this picture, like a bitch. But look at those lips -- it doesn't get much darker. Let's investigate.

Lips That Are Straight-Up DARKSIDED!

Dark lipstick makes you look like someone that's not to be effed with. If you want to look like you want to be effed with, you can skip ahead.

I have a couple of deep wine/berry/Pinot Noir/I'm running out of descriptives lipsticks that I like to mess with. For matte lips, I'm all about ColourPop Lippie Stix in Dalia, and for something a little more glossy, I'm into Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. (I'm wearing them layered in the photo above.)

The thing I love the most about deep lipsticks like these are how universally badass they are, regardless of skin tone. They look vampirically cool on the fair-skinned, and look GORGEOUS on deeper skin tones.

Dark-n-Fringy Lashes For DAYS

I'm not sure that fringy is a word. If it's not, I want it to be.

You probably already know how much I love this shit. Maybelline Lash Sensational in Blackest Black (OF COURSE) is inky as hell, and brings out the deepest, darkest lashes. It's my favorite drugstore mascara, EVER.

It feels good to know I could totally be a graphic designer if I wanted to be. The raw talent is clearly there.

The Darker The Liner, The Darker The Heart

I'm not sure I could exist as a human-ish being without black eyeliner. It's the glue that holds my soul together. It's my Chicken Soup for the No Soul.

My black eyeliner requirements are: black as eff (OF COURSE) and stays on until I die a timely death. My current ride-or-dies are tarte Tarteist Clay Paint Liner and Kat Von D Tattoo Liner in Ink Black. Urban Decay's 24/7 Pencil in Perversion is another solid, crazy-dark option. They are all v, v black and stay on as well as can realistically be expected in today's world.

My only complaint about all these mofos are they aren't waterproof on the inner eyelid waterline, which is straight bullshit. But, UD is giving the people (AKA me) what they want, because they're coming out with this pencil MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR WATERPROOF WATERLINE LINAGE for holiday. Finally. My life is really coming together.

Not-Quite-Black Shadows Are The New Black

There are plenty of great matte, black shadows on this crowded-ass planet. Open any decent eyeshadow palette, and you'll get slapped in the eyeballs with an acceptable one.

So instead of focusing on those, I'm sharing my favorite glittery and almost black shadows. Nars Eye Shadow in Night Porter is a green-black beauty. If a pine tree in a majestic forest mated with a velvety black cat, it would be weird as hell, and also this shadow. But shimmery and shit.

MAC Eye Shadow in Beauty Marked is a super-deep eggplant. I would rather eat a deep-fried eggplant parm sub, but this is lovely, too.

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can't See (Because It's Dark. Get It?)

This isn't the first time I've spouted off my big mouth about my love for dark polish, so I won't stay on this too long and bore you more than my regular levels of boring you. I just came here to say that I have also added this RGB Nail Color in Oxblood to my list of bad bitches.

That concludes my primer on darkness. So, good day, et al.

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Thursday, August 13, 2015

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Your New Workout Jam

WARNING: I'm pretty sure one of these dudes says the f-word a couple of times, but who can really tell in this life. Just maybe don't play this in the ball pit at McDonald's. Or maybe do. I don't really care.

The name of this song is "GYM" in Papyrus font, for starters. And, actually, this whole song and video are like the Papyrus font personified, so it's really quite fitting. If there is something for adults akin to a Girl Scout badge, I really think that I deserve one for making it through the song.

I really have a lot of questions here.

Do you believe this guy's guns are as hard as lead by using his home gym thingy next to the radiator? Did he say "pumping it till it aches?" Did he also say "I GO GYM ON THE REGS?" Around the 1:00 mark, is there another song playing? Do you like to stay "busting weights with your mates?" Don't answer that, because it's obviously a yes. What's a "pro-in" shake? Why is the glass shaped like that? Are all glasses in Europe shaped in such a way? Was he really running that fast? It seemed more speed walk-y to me, but maybe I'm a bad judge of speed. Where did that third guy come from? What's on that piece of copy paper taped to the wall with packing tape? Did the surprise dude say his muscles are "kind of coned?"

At this point in the video, I started to travel to an alternate universe where this video didn't even exist, and shitty workout equipment had never been invented, so I don't really know what happened after that.

I'm never playing another YouTube video again.

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