Loading...

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Problem Solvers: Help, I Can't Put On Eyeliner


Remember this graphic? Probs not, because I only used it once. I had big-ass plans to do a help column (section? I should know this) on this blog to remedy beauty issues, then I got shitty and only did it once. What can I say? I'm still the same ol' G.

So here I am to make semi-amends by helping my sisters (and brothers) that have told me "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO APPLY EYELINER IN VARIOUS FORMS," and then run away in shame. Hide no more, my friends. It's not happening anymore. Not on my watch.

Shall we delve?

The "I Can't Draw a Straight Line on My Eye" Crew

ud 24/7 eye pencil in zero ($20) & sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Listen, I kind of feel you on this one. I personally can't draw a straight eyeliner line on an eyeball with a pencil unless I pull my eyelid. Like the old school, totally gives you wrinkles style. It's not cute.

So the great alternative, easy-like-woah way to define your eyes is to do a slightly smudgy line. You have a couple of options as far as products to use on this one. I MUCH prefer a gel/cream eyeliner and brush combo because it's easier to control, but you can also use a creamy (gag) pencil and your finger. Or brush. You know my style -- do whatever the eff you want.


If you're using the cream/gel liner and a brush, it's ridiculously friggin' easy. Just wiggle the brush into your upper lash line, moving along the length of your eyelid, from the outside in. SO DAMN SIMPLE.

If you want to work the pencil eyeliner, hold it against your lashes and make little dots across your lash line. Then lightly smudge the dots with either your pinky or a flat brush to connect the dots (har har) into a single, smoky line. Now you're all defined-up, eye-pulling and straight lines be damned.

The "What the Hell is a Waterline?" Squad

sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Waterlines are notoriously difficult to deal with when it comes to eyeliner. They're like the (alleged) Katherine Heigls of the beauty world. And because of this, I will only use gel or cream liner to line my bottom waterline. I just stays so much better.

I've been using a Sephora waterproof cream liner forever (ever), but when I went to replace it, I found that it's been discontinued and replaced with this gel liner. And this new liner is straight Meh City, USA, but it's still better than using a pencil liner. That's how much I hate pencil liner on my bottom waterline. I'll take 'meh' over it.


For the bottom waterline, just pat on a waterproof gel/cream eyeliner with a thin, flat brush. If you're oily, or have juicy eyeballs, top with black eyeshadow to keep that shit in check. I promise it will cut down on the bleeding of the liner and keep you from looking a crazy mess.

On the upper waterline, press the liner into the lashes from underneath with your choice of beauty weapon. Make sure that you wiggle the liner a little to get in between the lashes. You don't want weird spaces popping up in there. It makes your eyelashes look patchy, and homie don't play that nonsense. This little trick will make you look like you have a bazillion lashes and also somehow more awake. I don't know why. I'm not a scientist.

The "Cat-eye Eyeliner is Too Hard" Homies

kat von d tattoo liner ($18)

Hey scared-of-cat-eye friend, guess what? I USED TO BE YOU, MAN. I didn't know how the hell to draw on a winged line to save my damn life for a long-ass time. Then my cousin, who is the type to wear cat-eyes every day, showed me this triangle trick many a year ago, and that shit promptly changed my eyeliner life.


Here's the big secret -- don't just draw some weirdo line coming straight off the side of your eyelid and call it a day. Instead, draw a line angling toward the end(ish) of your eyebrow. It can be straight or swoop-y. It's your world. Then draw on a line from the end point of that first line, back to your lash line. Now fill in that shape. The last step is to line your lash line, from either the very inner corner of your eye or the start of your lashes, and connect it to the shape you have drawn. You can make the lash line line (???) as thin or as thick as you want. Remember? Do whatever your eyeballs tell you.

Okay, that's all I've got. I think I've covered all of the bases and their bases. If you've got more eyeliner issues, please let me know if I can help. Maybe it's something that I've never even heard of. That would be kind of dope.

Also, tell me your other beauty problems that you would like me to (attempt to) solve. Or non-beauty stuffs. Maybe I can help with that, too. I'm a great listener.




Pin It

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Bliss Spa's Fat Girl Slim Treatment



I'm a big ol' fan of Bliss Spa products, so when I got the opportunity to try their Fat Girl Slim treatment for my latest Allure Insiders video, I was pretty damn pumped. There are rubbery masks and tightly-wrapped mylar blankets involved!

Watch the video and see what the happs are with this badass treatment.



Pin It

Saturday, November 22, 2014

I Hope We All Get To Rub This Pig's Belly This Weekend



I need to rub this tiny pig's belly, like, more than anything.

Britney Spears' "Gimme More" must have been written about baby piglet tummy scratch videos, because that's the only thing that makes sense in this world. Gimme, gimme more piggy vids.

If you have ever in your life seen anything cuter, please share in the comments.




Pin It

Friday, November 21, 2014

10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not A Dude

Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

#1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.


Unless you're Lenny Kravtiz. Then you do whatever the hell you want.

#2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

#3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.



Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

#4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.



Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

#5 -- Dude brain logic.

A photo posted by Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) on

This guy's brain told him that this was totally cool to say. How is this real life? STOP THE INSANITY.

#6 -- Basic haircuts (typically). Most dudes have one of three or so haircuts. And if you branch out, the results can be dreadful.

#7 -- Balls.

#8 -- Beards. JK, beards are dope and I wish I had one. I almost want to get a beard weave, like this guy.


JK times two. That beard weave is ridiculous. Mine would be made from unicorn manes and have beads or other accoutrements.

#9 -- Being a stanky ass b. Guys smell worse. I'm sorry, it's science.

via holymaurymotherofgod

Dammit, Danjuma! I'm getting real tired of your bullshit.

#10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!



videos via reddit cringe

Pin It

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

TINY HAMSTER THANKSGIVING IS HERE, AND IT IS THE SH*T



It's almost T-gives, which is pretty exciting in itself, because you get to eat your friggin' face off without mofos judging your every bite. I'LL HAVE A SLICE OF ALL THE PIES, THANK YOU, AND YOU CAN SAY NOTHING.


Sorry, mom.

But what's even better than bottomless crescent rolls? Tiny animals eating GD thimblefuls of cranberry sauce, that's what. Not to mention tiny lattice-topped pies and the wee-est turkey that's ever that's ever wee-ed.

This is the world's cutest Fauxsgiving, ever. So don't even try to top it, Jennifer Lawrence. Or Chris Pratt. Unless Pratt is topless. Maybe give it a go and see what happens.



Pin It

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Best Beauty Products I've Never Talked About

I can be a dick. (No comments from the peanut gallery.) Sometimes I try some good good, get hooked, then forget to tell you about it. AND THAT'S MY ONE JOB. Okay, it's like one of three to four jobs that I have, but it's way friggin' up there.

So today is all about rectifying my crappiness and talking about all the stuff I've been way into lately. You have my apologies, m'lady (or m'dude where applicable).

Living Proof Prime Style Extender

living proof prime style extender (sephora, $20)

This stuff is kind of the tits. My friend Shauna (whaddup!) got a sample of this from Sephora and promptly told me that I needed it. So, of course, I ordered it that night. I have issues, one of which is buying whatever people tell me I need. I know my people won't steer me wrong.

You can use this stuff solo, or you can use it with all of your other hair babies. I use it with something I'll tell you about in a minute, and also whatever I'm vibing on at any moment. It gives your hair volume and keeps it soft, but also holds the style of whatever the hell you do to your hair without any kind of crunchy hair situation. It's supposed to also keep your hair from getting dirty on those second/third/I don't know your life days, and it does, but very minimally for me. I'm a dirty oil rig, you know this.

Kat Von D Tattoo Liner

kat von d tattoo liner in trooper (sephora, $18)

I know that I've been touting the praises of the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er liner for the past year or so (AND I LOVE THAT FORMULA), but I kept fraying the end of that liner, because it's a felt-tip, and it was pissing me off. It's not the Marc'er, it's me. I go hard.

So I picked up this Kat Von D Tattoo Liner because it has a teeny tiny brush THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN REALLY EFF UP. To show you how precise the brush is, I wrote "bloop" on my arm. It was the first thing that came to my mind grapes. Thanks, Nene Leakes.


Like the Magic Marc'er, this stuff staaaaaays and slays. If I wasn't a gross person, I would still be doing Marc (zing!), and still love it if I don't need to be precise. They're both dope. Don't make me choose and shit.

Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment

macadamia healing oil treatment in travel size (ulta, $6.50)

I happened upon this Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment on accident. When I was in LA last month, I forgot to pack any kind of hair oil, and I can't live without some kind of somethin' somethin' on these sad strands. So I stopped at the closest CVS to my hotel, and found this wee little bottle of magic. This bottle is TINY. I put it next to a banana for scale.

To my surprise, I LOVE THIS SHIT. (It really shouldn't be a shock, I love Macadamia products.) It's super-moisturizing, so it's a slice of perfection pie if you have dry-ass hair ends and put off haircuts for a million months at a time. (No? That's just me?) If I could fill a baby pool with this stuff and float in it, I would. I guess in this scenario I'm the size of a baby? Whatever.

Speaking of babies...

Maybelline Baby Lips Dr. Rescue

maybelline baby lips dr. rescue

I'm one of those a-holes that think having something on your lips is an addiction, and this is my latest crack-y item.

My lips have been really dry lately, so when I saw a double pack of these menthol-y puppies in CVS the other day I snatched them up toute suite. They're like the OG Maybelline Baby Lips products (which are great on their own), but tingly. In a good way. I'm into the tingly-burning. TINGLES 4 LYFE.


Okay, you're all caught up on my recent secret beauty product homies. Have you tried anything lately that you can't get enough of? Tell me all of your ride-or-dies. I can never have too many.



Pin It

Monday, November 17, 2014

Sorry Beyoncé (And Tina And The Dad), Solange Is The Best Knowles



I'mma let you finish Beyoncé (no, I'm not), but Solange is the best Knowles of all time. I know that you may want to fight me on this. Or maybe you don't care. Or maybe you only know SK from that elevator shit. BUT SHE IS THE BEST.

If you don't believe me, check out this video of Solange performing a choreographed dance with her adorable son Julez at her wedding this weekend. Don't act like you aren't putting that dress on your Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus list this year.

And if that dress isn't bomb enough for you, SHE WORE MULTIPLE CAPES for her wedding festivities. Not to mention her double golden cuffs and hair perfection. Finding Yoncé in those pictures is almost like trying to find a hidden whatever in a Highlights magazine. All eyes on Solange.


Oh, and this:



I rest my case, your honor.



Pin It

storystack

Google