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Friday, August 1, 2014

10 Times When We Were All A Miranda Hobbes

Remember when everyone and their Aunt Susan were wearing MF-ing "I'm a Carrie" baby tees during the height of Sex and the City's popularity? That was annoying in itself, but I always felt like it was some straight bullshit that I never saw ONE PERSON repping Miranda's clique via t-shirt. I'm not even sure that shit was ever in production.

I could never understand why Miranda was so reviled by pretty much every human on Earth. Some people say she was a pessimistic rude ass, I say homegirl was realistic. But even if you fancied yourself a "Samantha" or even a "Charlotte," there were times that we all had a little Miranda in us. Like it or not (and I love it), we've all been about that Miranda Hobbes life at some point.

#1 -- When, in life, this was an actual outfit choice.


It's just one of them days that we all go through. Yet, Miranda looks jaunty as shit.

#2 -- When confronted with this:


And her only valid option was to do this: 

NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE. Eat your feelings and hide the evidence.

#3 -- When "exciting" stuff wasn't that exciting.


#4 -- When she just wanted eat her friggin' I'm-in-a-rut food without a Judgy McJudgesalot on her jock.



Can't a bitch just eat some cold noodles in peace?

#5 -- When she didn't feel the need to see any of her exes, like, EVER ever again.


Somebody's got to move out of town. I don't want to see you buying TylenolPM and clearance Herbal Essence shampoo at CVS.

#6 -- When she was compelled to eat trash cake.



Seriously, if you haven't eaten cake from the garbage, I don't even know you.

#7 -- When the father of her unborn child proposed to her with a second-hand ring, and she responded appropriately.


Which is with a solid, "What are you, fucking crazy?" obviously.

#8 -- Baby showers.


Nobody wants to guess candy bar poop.

#9 -- When hiding was easier that facing an awkward ass situation.


#10 -- When she was over it, and just had zero effs left to rub together.


We feel you, sister. Hardcore.

Deal with it, guys, we're a Miranda. Even though sometimes we're all pretty Stanford-y.




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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Rihanna Wears A Sexed-Up Version Of Our Favorite 90s Outfit


Linda Perry shows homies "What's Up?" by wearing boxers shorts in the 4 Non Blondes video

I can quite vividly remember the hot ass mess fashions of the early 90s. Almost in a traumatizing flashback-y (flashwhacky?) kind of way. So when I peeped this picture of Rihanna wearing dudes' boxers as shorts on Huffington Post, my heart died a little, in a way I wasn't sure if it would go on. (Hurry, someone get me the Heart of the Ocean and see if it's true or not.)


WE CAN'T START WEARING BOXER SHORTS SHORTS AGAIN, MAN. I just can't go back there. I have really accepted a plethora of 90s garb...again. But the cost of this trend is (emotionally) too damn high. I won't go back to 1993, with me begging my mom to buy me packs of boys' plaid flannel boxers to wear with my Equate-brand soccer sandals and tube socks. IT'S TOO MUCH.


Don't let this happen, humans. I'm too old for this shit.




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A Video Roundup Version Of Chicken Soup For The Soul

You know I'm a sucka ass sucka for videos. But I don't want to watch some "Gangnam Style" bullshit, I want to see things that soothe my soul. With this in mind, I have compiled some of my favorite videos that I have come across in the past couple days, in hopes that they will bring comfort and joy to you and yours.

DMX on a Slingshot



WARNING: NSFW LANGUAGE LIKE WOAH. This is DMX. Don't go bumping this as you walk into your boss' office with a boombox on your shoulder. (I don't know your work environment, but it sounds super-cool.)

I do have some questions and/or ponderings about this video. Is DMX using the audio from this as an intro to a new song? I feel like he's putting on a bit of a show here. You know that he's not sitting at home, binge-watching Game of Thrones, and barking like a dog. He's eating Twizzlers and popcorn, and drinking wine slushies like the rest of us. Stop playing, Mr. X. #celebritiesarejustlikeus

Paranormal Pugtivity



I don't even really have anything that I can add to this. No comments or embellishments are needed on perfection. Play on, player.

This Person Dancing



I literally have zero information about the circumstances in which this video was shot, but I don't even really need to know. This girl is flawless. She clearly enjoys pumping up the jam, so you best take several steps back. I just really hope that she's on a good glucosamine and chondroitin supplement. I'm concerned about the health of her shoulder joints.

Happy Thursay, mofos.


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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Orlando Bloom Acts For The People Of Earth And Tries To Punch Justin Bieber


This picture is completely unrelated, but I found it really humorous that Justin Bieber and his friend are wearing not only matching shorts and topless-ness, but also identical underwear. Twinsies!

I was scrolling through Instagram last night, and I came across a picture of Miranda Kerr that Biebs had posted. (YES, I FOLLOW HIM. I HATE MYSELF.) That little twerpy derp has since taken it down, but I thought it was kind of weird. But now it all makes sense after waking up to this pretty MF-ing amazing story about Orlando Bloom trying to put his delicate hands across JB's smug mug.

And there's a Swedish video of this. WITH SLOWMO. Let's watch and laugh together.



These two apparently got wild for the night, f being polite, over Baby B maybe doing sex stuffs with Miranda Kerr (BRB vomiting until my jaw falls off) and possibly  Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez a few months ago. Whatever the case, we can all thank Yeezus that SOMEBODY finally attempted to spank this toddler. Even if it was Orlando Bloom, who I could probably beat up quickly and efficiently, and seems like he bathes in rose water with a splash of honey. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still firmly in the "would do" camp, he just doesn't seem like the punch shit type.)

After the misfired punch goes down, Bieber apparently screams, "What's up, bitch?" while his security team attempts to contain their giggles, I'm sure. Sounds like it's time for somebody's nap nap. This is all just definitive proof that humans need to stop f-ing Justin Bieber. Ever.


UPDATE: Baby Biebs just posted this to his Instagram. Someone take his damn LeapFrog away.





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Drugstore Darlings: Let's Check Out The Maybelline The Nudes Palette

Gather around for a very important storytime, kids. There was once a lady that loved makeup a little too much for her own good. And sometimes when a person really, really wants to find a palette that they think they'll love on their eyeball lids, they will drive to eight friggin' different drugstores to find said palette. Especially when the palette seems super-affordable and dreamy. And when the lady was united with the palette, she was happy.


THE END. JK! That's just the beginning. And I'm a horrible storyteller. And it's probably slightly inappropriate to tell kids a story about anything called "The Nudes." Keep the youths away from me.


I was pretty damn excited about finally copping this palette. I actually got it for about $7, because Walgreens was having some sort of Maybelline sale. I can't be bothered with the details, because I was on a "GOTCHA B!" high, but I think it typically retails for $12-ish in drugstores.


Here's a close-up look at the shadows and swatches of all of the colors. The eyeshadows are almost evenly split between matte and shimmery finishes, which is a pretty bomb and refreshing find. AIN'T NOBODY THAT WANTS ALL SHIMMERY SHADOW PALETTES, COSMETIC COMPANIES. STOP THE INSANITY.

The matte colors (with the exception of the base/highlight shade) would also all be perfect doubling as brow powders, which is always a nice bonus.

I decided to do a mini head-to-head challenge pitting The Nudes against Urban Decay's OG Naked Palette. The color schemes are pretty similar, so I devoted one eyeball to each palette, and used my wee wee brain (and a camera) to document the differences. (Side note: Please ignore my scaly ass eyelid. I'm using a new skin treatment, and it wants my skin to be dry like whoa.)


I tried to pick similar colors in both palettes to create an as-close-to-identical eye as possible. The verdict? Crazy close, non?

There are a few major differences that I noticed between the two palettes. The spendy ass UD shadows are a lot softer and more blend-y, but almost to a fault. As you can see on the UD lid, the shadows almost blend together a little TOO well, if you know what I'm sayin'. On the other hand, the Maybelline shadows are pretty chalky in texture, but the colors almost seem richer than their more expensive comrades. (The exception were with the lighter/highlighting shades. Those weren't very vibrant. At all.)

Bottom line -- I'm not going to blow smoke up ye olde bung-hole and say, "OWROWIQRJF IT'S JUST LIKE A ONE BILLION DOLLAR PALETTE! WHEEEE!" But, it's really damn great for drugstore eyeshadows. And in some ways it's even better. It's definitely worth them handful of bones, for serious.


So now you can feel free to spend your cash flow on country clubs, strip clubs, or wherever you want, ya' freak bitch!



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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Mug Makeover: Clueless (Cher Horowitz) Edition


I blame the friggin' "Fancy" video. For everything, really, but especially for re-resurrecting (yep, not a word) my Cher Horowitz beauty infatuation. I even wrote about this bangin' cinematic moment briefly in this Allure post, but that couldn't satiate my Clueless hunger.


So I decided that I really had no choice but to do a Mug Makeover for my favorite CH moment. Bonus points for the fact that it's super-easy to duplicate.

P.S. CLUELESS IS ON MF-ING NETFLIX, YOU GUYS, GET EXCITED.


The first step is to apply a nude/light brown matte eyeshadow to your lids. I used "Naked" from Urban Decay.


Next you'll want to line your upper waterline with a waterproof black liner (I used UD 24/7 Eye Pencil in "Zero") to make you look like you've got one billion lashes without mimicking Taylor Momsen's eyeliner habit. Because this eyeball look is trés natural, we're swapping out the black liner for brown (like MUFE Aqua Eyes liner in "Matte Brown") when it comes to lining your upper lid. Let the bottom lid go completely sans liner, then mascara away. I only did one coat (and a half), because Cher's makeup isn't very lash-centric.


For brows, I only defined the tail with Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in "Dark Brown." I also tried to make my brows a slightly straighter shape because, doy, that's what Cher has going on.


Throw on some bright pink blush (like MAC Blush in "Dollymix"). Go for something bright and girly with the world's tiniest touch of shimmer. TINIEST.


Finish your face with a solid nude lip. I started with a matte lipstick (Wet n Wild MegaLast in "Bare it All"), then topped it of with a shiny nude 'stick (L'Oreal Colour Riche Caress Stick in "Sheer Linen"). The idea is to have a decent amount of lip color with a touch of shine.





Okay, your face is done and you're a total Betty, but now let's tackle that mop. Start by straightening your hair, turning it under at the ends like you're doing "the Rachel" -- the later years. Then pull your hair into a really high ponytail, but don't make it too tight and pull it slightly to one side.

Grab a pen (or rat tail comb, if you're fancy), and pull out the section of hair close to your forehead a little. Then pull out some of the hairs around your face to make it grown and sexy. And messy.

If your pony needs a little more oomph, you can put a clip inside the back of your 'tail. It's like a little hair bra. You know -- it supports that shit and pushes it up.


That's the end! Your you-to-Clue(less) Mug Makeover is complete. Enjoy your new life as a rich, 90s, Beverly Hills teenager. I'll just be over here going about my life trying to not be a full-on Monet.

P.P.S. Why did this electronic Fashion Plates fabulous-ity never become a thing? You're boring, technology.



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Monday, July 28, 2014

WTF Music Monday: International Edition

Here we are again, mofos. It's Monday, and we all hate our lives. But don't worry that pretty little noggin, I'm here to jump start the week in the very best way that I know how -- with awesomely shitty music.


First up, is a jam from Eastern Europe. Watch the video and we'll discuss afterward. (P.S. I'll high five the shit out of you if you can make it all the way through this one.)



What was that? It's like the Russian (???) version of "Gangnam Style, " with extra highlighting eyeshadow. And bedazzled headbands as sunglasses. And chandelier accoutrements as headbands.

I have absolutely no idea what just happened, but whoever told homie that licking that lollypop like that was cute was a damned liar. That person is not your friend. Add the d-bag that sold you those Paris Hilton colored contacts to the list of your non-friends, too.

This isn't even the end of the fun(ish) times today, you guys. I also found this adorably mustachioed Indian man auto-tuning his little heart out in this piece of musical perfection.



I MF-ing love this song. I like to imagine that it's this dude's take on Bon Jovi's "It's My Life," but with extra EXTRA sound effects and air drums. The lyrics are more magical than a gif of a kitten riding a unicorn, which I couldn't find, but I did find this:


Let's just flesh out some of the amazingness of this man's words:
  • It's my life, whom I want to leave oooo....oooo....oooo
  • A friend of mine said I'm a waste fellow, he don't know the taste of this fellow.
  • I always search for good in bad, I also search for bad in good. I am a very good bad boy.
  • I am a brain eater...
  • I am a smart cheater...
  • I am a back bencher...
  • I am a kids lover...
  • I am very anger...I know it's very danger
You could really put any of those quotes on a watercolor background and have a hell of an inspirational Instagram post.


The moral of the story? "If you don't like anyone, live alone." And also, "Don't believe me...I am a true lier." Annnnnd scene.


Yep, pretty much. Happy Monday!

via reddit's "crappy music"


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