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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: The Anti-Gone Girl



I'm so excited about Gone Girl coming out this weekend, man. I even heard that Ben Affleck is, like, GOOD good in it, so don't even trip on ol' Gigli. It'll be okay.

So for this week's Allure Insiders video, I did a kind of anti-Get the Look. No one wants to look like a maybe/possibly/I'm not ruining it for you dead person, so watch the video to get tips on how to look human on your worst days. Unless you're just naturally #flawless. In that case -- hey, Beyoncé.



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Friday, September 26, 2014

Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)



Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:

Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
Step two: This.


Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.

Annnnnnd scene.

If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

There's only one exception.

 
Okay, two exceptions.


If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.



via reddit


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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Full-Size Beauty Products I Have To Travel With (Screw You, 50 Pound Max)

I'm going to New York for the weekend, and I'm pretty f-ing excited. I get to see two of my favorite friends, and I sold my Britney Spears tickets to buy my plane ticket, so I plan on livin' it up like Ja Rule and shit. That means that I need to be very, very well-packed. I'm not leaving any favorite beauty homies behind, regardless of weight. I NEED ALL OF MY THINGS.

There are a few interchangeable beauty products that I'll just grab whatever feels lightest and easy, but the following guys are non-negotiables. You can see why I have to check a bag. And pack all of my shoes in my purse.

Skin-y Not Minis


I have assembled a motley-ass crew of skin necessities as of late. I've begun using Retin-A again (more on that another time), so I've really been trying to find the perfect moisturizer to use to curtail that damned, dirty peeling that comes with using the ol' A. So I don't have a favorite right now. It's been more of a favorite rotation-ish.

But I have been completely vibing on this Elta MD UV Shield SPF 45 Oil-Free Sunscreen, which is NECE-MFing-SSARY when you're using Retin-A. Like, I even wear it if I go out at night just in case. And this stuff is pretty bomb. It's oil-free (so you can use it over the moisturizer du jour) and doesn't make my eyes feel crazier than a Craisin™.

I also have to bring my Nivea Creme because I can't be caught unawares if I happen to put on some kind of dress/skirt apparatus. You know I'm not about that non-shiny-exposed-leg life

And because I currently live in an actual damn desert, I'm preparing for a humidity-meets-skin oil freakout when I hit the East Coast. That's where the Urban Decay De Slick comes in. It's actually not my favorite setting spray, Model in Bottle holds that place in my dark and oily heart, but I have the older packaging that's made from glass. Homie don't play with putting glass in a suitcase. I have a very deep-seated fear of broken glass (we'll talk about that another time, too), and I refuse to risk that shit. So this'll do, pig. This'll do.

Shower Powers


I have another weird thing that I've been dealing with lately. (I know, I know; shocking stuff.) I feel like my hair is thinning. It's probably not, and I should just chalk this all up to a bathroom with weird lighting and neurotic brain wrinkles, but it's my current (possible) real life deal. I'll get into this more another time. I have a lot of things to tell you about later, clearly, but in the meantime, these things have been my maybe hair saviors. If I need them. Which I might or might not. I'm not sure. HALP.

I bought this Bioinfusion Daily Volume Shampoo a couple weeks ago, and I think I love it. (I told you, these are confusing times.) This is apparently a brand that's made for and by Walgreens, and I can't even hate it a little. I don't know that it's going to cause my scalp to sprout more strands, but I'm lathering up with hope in my heart.

I snatched up this Lee Stafford Breaking Hair Treatment on accident, while I was trying to buy some other crap, but I ended up LOVING THIS STUFF LIKE NO OTHER. Like it's no ordinary love. No ordinary love. You use it between your shampoo and conditioner, and it makes your hair feel like a baby unicorn angel's cashmere baby blanket. Or close.

For conditioner, I've been on that Not Your Mother's Way To Grow Conditioner tip. I also have the shampoo, but you can see that I've been busy being stuck on the Bioinfusion. This conditioner is not crazy heavy, but it moisturizes like woah. The instructions say to massage into the scalp for two to three minutes, but I can't really go beyond a minute or so. I must have the strength of a fetal deer, paired with the oil production of a seal's coat. It's a great life.

I'll KIT re: how all of this mess of a regiment works in the long-term.

Save My Damn Hair


Speaking of hair, I'm not even finished. There's more to my ridiculousness. I have to style this mess in some form or fashion, so let's deal with all of that.

When I get out of the shower, I'm all about being able to brush through my tangles sans maximum hair-ripping-out-age. For that, I turn to a combo of Unite 7Seconds Leave In Conditioner and Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum. These cats are like He-Man and She-Ra for hair saving. Or The Power Team, without the phone book ripping. You know, powerful and stuff.

After my hair is dry and styled, I like to add more texture and volume. I use Bumble and Bumble Dryspun Finish pretty much on the daily, even though it's freaking spendy and I really should save it for special occasions. Whatever. I'm really living la vida loca.

I also tend to hit up my roots/bang area with psssst! Instant Dry Shampoo to pump up the volume (dance dance) and keep the front of my hair from getting all greased up. It's fairly cheap and it smells better than any other dry shampoo, so I'm into it. Being oily 4 lyfe is superduper fun, man.


I'm now taking bets on how much you think my bag will weigh. I'm going with 1.7 billion pounds. Minimum. And I'm not even taking into account the weight of a hairdryer, curling wand and flat iron. I'm completely screwed.

What are your must-pack beauty items? Tell me more things I should bring. It's all whatever at this point.





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Monday, September 22, 2014

Want To Win The September Allure Sample Society Box?



Allure sent me their September Sample Society box to root through and see what it's all about, and I made this little baby haul video to share the info. There are lots of fun thingy-dos in this puppy. I'm actually pretty, pretty excited about it. If you want to see what's in the box (heh), watch away.

If you want more info on Allure Sample Society, you can check it out here. And if you want to win one of these babies for yourself, click here and see info on how to win one in the description box. Treat yo' self!



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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure
After getting nostalgic for the teen flicks of yesteryear (they don't make that shit like they used to, et al), I wrote a fun little ditty for Allure this month featuring some of my all-time favorite teen movie queens and their flawless beauty looks.

If you want to see the homies I chose, you can check it out here. If not, I still love you.



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Sex Up Your Eyes In One(ish) Step

Last week, I told you how to make your face that of a bad mofo in a snap. This week, we're going on the world's shortest magical journey from blah eyeballs to sexy time orbs. Get your freak on.


This is where we are starting. With a face that says, "I'm a perfectly nice person. Everything is fine." And also maybe, "I'm a woman of a certain age and I need several catnaps."

Luckily, we can kick up the sexy in (almost/kind of) one step. Just grab your favorite black eyeliner and meet me back here. I'll be using the Maybelline Master Kajal in Onyx Rush that CVS Beauty Club sent me a while back, but you can use whatever the hell you feel like, as long as it's black and sensual. (I don't know what that means, per se.)


First, line your upper and lower waterlines and your upper lash line.


Then smudge only the upper lash line. Now here's the biggest part: Take a matte black shadow and pat it on both your waterline and your upper lash line. This will not only keep that shit from wandering all about your face (especially if you're an oily flower like myself), but will up the boldness by several notches. Like 37 notches. Well-endowed notches.

That's it! Sexual realness in (mostly) one step. I know, you're all, "But it's just smudgy black eyeliner." Kind of, but that last eyeshadow step is what makes those peepers look like your residential address is 1234 Sexy Mofo Lane, Smolder, Colorado. I promise your sweet ass.


The finished product has my face saying, "I work part-time as a sex machine. Or something. But not WORK work." Well, in my case it says more, "I have no idea how to be sexual and I still need a damn nap," but you get the point.


And just in case you forgot what my OG mug looked like, here's a little comparison. Okay, I now totally get why people are all, "Are you sick? Is it the Black Plague? Should I leave?" when I don't wear eyeliner. I GET IT NOW, WORLD. I GET IT.

via realitytvgifs

It won't happen again.








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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Allure Outrageous Beauty: The Cellulite Cupping Massage



Rubbing suction cups all over your legs doesn't really sound like it would do much. Except maybe tickle. Spoiler alert: It tickled like woah.

If you want to see if the cupping massage actually had any effect on my cellulite, watch and see what's up. And if you don't have any cellulite, and this video doesn't pertain to you at all, then:


I'm sorry. I'm jealous. Want to trade genetics? (That was not a pick-up line.) This isn't going well. Bye.





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