Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.
It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)
Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.
And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.
I have to go do some shit. AKA this:
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
You know when people are all, "This is LITERALLY the worst day of my life," when really the Starbucks barista gave them an (Ariana) grande instead of a venti (AKA A LARGE), or some shit? Well, they're using 'literally' wrong. And you probably think I'm in that same boat. Because there's no damn way that this is literally and actually Renée Zellweger.
BUT YOU'RE WRONG, BRO.
Listen, I am the first person to say that if you feel like effing around with your face, do the damn thing. I don't care. It's your face. What the hell do I care? But the fact that I thought that this was Robin Wright and Christina Applegate's first cousin is slightly problematic. And not through marriage.
RZ hasn't been in a movie since 2010, so I don't know what her life is all about. The singular thing that I do know is that her signature Zellweger squint started bumping "Since U Been Gone" and peaced out this bitch sometime in the last four years. And that I would love to get my hands on her eyebrows.
Live your life and do what you want, Renée, I just don't want to feel like this every time I see your mug.
Monday, October 20, 2014
This all-around sexpot was fired from my hometown-area Chili's for doing generally gross shit like lying shirtless on the area where they make your Southwestern Eggrolls. How rude. He also uploaded the pictures he took of his unsanitary ass to Facebook, and created an album called "Sexy Cooks of Chili's," TAGGING THE LOCATION WHERE HE WORKED. Is it too late to use Antoine Dodson's "You are so dumb" here? Too late if it's too late. -- Buzzfeed
|via daily mail|
|via abc 7|
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Sometimes life hands you lemons. And those lemons are in the exact form of a curling iron that happens to be the perfect size, but the handle is c-blocking your hair styling flow. I love this curling iron because it's as big as a mofo and creates treasures of loose waves, but my hair is always getting yanked the hell out by the screws and springs on the clip thing-y. It's like I'm involved in a Real Housesives-esque fight every day.
So I decided to get rid of that shit. And it took 30 seconds. Here's how it works:
Use a screwdriver to remove the clip. Be careful, it kind of springs off at the end. Don't poke your eye out. While you're at it, avert your eyes from my gross nails. I'm a trash heap.
Then unscrew the spring part.
If you want, put the whole shebang in a ziploc and put it up. Who knows, you might want your OG curling iron back one day. I don't know your life.
That's it! I told you this was quick. No more hair-ripping-out-age for this beyotch.
Now you're free to...
Saturday, October 18, 2014
|I'm such an old. I can't even do peace fingers the "cool" way.|
Are you guys all hyped for Halloween? That shit is my favorite time of year. You can look completely ridiculous and not get one single judgey look. So I felt it necessary to do a solid Halloween tutorial.
And because I'm always on time, like Ja Rule and Ashanti, I picked Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I have a calendar.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
|I hate everything about this picture. You need to know that.|
According to Page Six, Master Thicke (many dry heaves abound) threw himself an endlessly classy Divorce Party last Friday, where ". . . he was in great spirits, and put on a mix of music including pop, hip-hop, older stuff from the ’90s and soul. Everyone was dancing until past 3 a.m." Thanks for the playlist and sched, anonymous source of boring. Also, using the phrase "older stuff from the '90s" is troubling to my brain.
But that's not all. LEONARDO MF-ING DICAPRIO was there to assist in the popping of the bottles and whatever-ing of the models. He was probably blowing vapor ciggie smoke all up in that bitch. And you KNOW that Leo wore that damn hat. He had to. The dress code was douche casual.
Whatever, Robin. Slang that thang all over the globe and see if we care. We're all collectively too busy for your shit with preparing our Halloween costumes. I've already called being this kid, so everyone else can get off his jock, that costume is officially taken. I WROTE IT ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I'm sorry for coughing all over your face. I would have edited that shit out, but then my eyeballs were all watery, and I didn't want it to seem as if I was just emotional over a purse. I really over-explained all of that.
Anyway, here's what I keep in my purse all the time. Do things feel awkward between us now?