Thursday, October 23, 2014

"Between Two Ferns" Satisfies All Of Our Cravings (Sorry, Gross) With Brad Pitt And A Dash Of Louis CK

In this latest installment of "Between Two Ferns," we get to relish in the trying-not-to-break moments of Bart Pit, who is known for such films as 12 Years a Salve and Furry, but more notably, still somehow sexual with a mustache. Someone do research on this. I thought it was impossible.

We also get a few short moments with another one of my unlikely crushes, Louis CK.

Why is his shirt inexplicably wet? WHY IS YOUR DUMB SHIRT WET? Get out of here...rats.

If Zach Galifianakis were a lady person, we'd be talking about how he's all skinny and shit now, but I'm much more interested in if anyone remembers when he was in a music video with my favorite weird humanoid, Fiona Apple. And also why his hair is looking like such a mash-up of a colonial dude and a Disney prince. (Side note: I just had to google the Fiona Apple thing, just to make sure that wasn't a peach-schnapps-and-goldschlager-fueled dream I had in the early '00s. It wasn't. It happened.)

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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Crazy-Easy Fall Face, With A Bonus Mini ColourPop Haul

I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.

It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)

Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.

And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.

I have to go do some shit. AKA this:

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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

This Is Literally Renée Zellweger

You know when people are all, "This is LITERALLY the worst day of my life," when really the Starbucks barista gave them an (Ariana) grande instead of a venti (AKA A LARGE), or some shit? Well, they're using 'literally' wrong. And you probably think I'm in that same boat. Because there's no damn way that this is literally and actually Renée Zellweger.


Listen, I am the first person to say that if you feel like effing around with your face, do the damn thing. I don't care. It's your face. What the hell do I care? But the fact that I thought that this was Robin Wright and Christina Applegate's first cousin is slightly problematic. And not through marriage.

RZ hasn't been in a movie since 2010, so I don't know what her life is all about. The singular thing that I do know is that her signature Zellweger squint started bumping "Since U Been Gone" and peaced out this bitch sometime in the last four years. And that I would love to get my hands on her eyebrows.

Live your life and do what you want, Renée, I just don't want to feel like this every time I see your mug.

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Monday, October 20, 2014

The Chef Too Sexy For His Shirt, And The Other Best Stories Of The Day

via buzzfeed

This all-around sexpot was fired from my hometown-area Chili's for doing generally gross shit like lying shirtless on the area where they make your Southwestern Eggrolls. How rude. He also uploaded the pictures he took of his unsanitary ass to Facebook, and created an album called "Sexy Cooks of Chili's," TAGGING THE LOCATION WHERE HE WORKED. Is it too late to use Antoine Dodson's "You are so dumb" here? Too late if it's too late. -- Buzzfeed

via daily mail
In other dude body news: A new virtual autopsy (what the eff is that?) revealed that King Tut had "girlish" hips because his parents were brother and sister. Hot. My own observation reveals that homie's alleged thorax looks like a boobless Kim Kardashian. -- The Daily Mail

via abc 7
This kook in a chute tried to get into a dude's house and ended up getting stuck in his chimney. She did this sexy Santy Claus deed after they met online, went on a handful of dates, and the house guy broke up with her. My main concern is how her hair still look so damn lustrous. On another note, dudes until the end of time will be quoting this in an argument for "bitches be crazy." Thanks, lady. But seriously, what shampoo do you use? -- abc7.com

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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Make A DIY Curling Wand In 30 Seconds

Sometimes life hands you lemons. And those lemons are in the exact form of a curling iron that happens to be the perfect size, but the handle is c-blocking your hair styling flow. I love this curling iron because it's as big as a mofo and creates treasures of loose waves, but my hair is always getting yanked the hell out by the screws and springs on the clip thing-y. It's like I'm involved in a Real Housesives-esque fight every day.

So I decided to get rid of that shit. And it took 30 seconds. Here's how it works:

Use a screwdriver to remove the clip. Be careful, it kind of springs off at the end. Don't poke your eye out. While you're at it, avert your eyes from my gross nails. I'm a trash heap.

Then unscrew the spring part.

If you want, put the whole shebang in a ziploc and put it up. Who knows, you might want your OG curling iron back one day. I don't know your life.

That's it! I told you this was quick. No more hair-ripping-out-age for this beyotch.

Now you're free to...

(or whatever your flavor might be) your hair freely all up on your brand new curling wand.

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Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Halloween Tutorial You've Always Wanted In Your Life: Honey Boo Boo

I'm such an old. I can't even do peace fingers the "cool" way.

Are you guys all hyped for Halloween? That shit is my favorite time of year. You can look completely ridiculous and not get one single judgey look. So I felt it necessary to do a solid Halloween tutorial.

And because I'm always on time, like Ja Rule and Ashanti, I picked Honey Boo Boo. Yes, I have a calendar.

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Thursday, October 16, 2014

Hide Your Lady Flowers, Robin Thicke Is Back On The Prowl

I hate everything about this picture. You need to know that.

According to Page Six, Master Thicke (many dry heaves abound) threw himself an endlessly classy Divorce Party last Friday, where ". . . he was in great spirits, and put on a mix of music including pop, hip-hop, older stuff from the ’90s and soul. Everyone was dancing until past 3 a.m." Thanks for the playlist and sched, anonymous source of boring. Also, using the phrase "older stuff from the '90s" is troubling to my brain.

But that's not all. LEONARDO MF-ING DICAPRIO was there to assist in the popping of the bottles and whatever-ing of the models. He was probably blowing vapor ciggie smoke all up in that bitch. And you KNOW that Leo wore that damn hat. He had to. The dress code was douche casual.

Whatever, Robin. Slang that thang all over the globe and see if we care. We're all collectively too busy for your shit with preparing our Halloween costumes. I've already called being this kid, so everyone else can get off his jock, that costume is officially taken. I WROTE IT ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET.

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