Thursday, October 30, 2014

Farrah Abraham Uses Frozen To Stunt Queen For Ween

via farrah's twitter
This story is about Farrah Abraham being ridiculous and inappropriate, part 4958630. I know, color yourself shocked. On this particular occasion, the grossness lies in the decision to dress up as a character in a Disney movie to sell her sex toys. In case you've found yourself unawares, F Dot sells molds of her lower bathing suit area for dudes to do sex things with. Yay for all!

This is so offensive to me. No, not that she's using a kids' movie to sell sex stuff. I'm talking about this shitty costume. What the hell is on homegirl's head? It looks like a mangled marching band hat and Mother Goose had an alien baby. Her legs are spray-painted white for no explicable reason. She's wearing gloves that really only belong inside a Spears/Federline wedding photo.

Inappropriate as eff. And worst of all, WHERE THE SHIT IS YOUR WIG?

If you're going to pull some stunt shit, pull some stunt shit. Don't half-ass it. Maybe take a page from a better stunt queen's book, bb.

See more pictures of this great tragedy in American history over at Uproxx. I have to go floss, or something. Everything is gross.

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Halloween Is My Favorite Holiday: A Retrospective Look

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have already seen this picture of the soaring heights of my Halloween costume creativity, paired with some nonsense child that clearly doesn't hold a candle (zing!) to my costuming endeavors. Actual child, please.

As you can see, it's an understatement to say that I MF-ing love Halloween. I've always preferred a costume to boring human attire, so this holiday is right up my alley. It's an alley that leads straight to Crazy Town, so tread lightly. Don't believe me? Do you know who else loved costumes?

Thank you. Little Edie is my homie 4LYFE, but she crazy. Get on our level.

My favorite Halloween memories are not the ones that include the slutty monkey outfit that consisted of a faux-fur bra/ears/tail that I constructed myself, or even these mermaid stripper boots that took me almost 349852039 years to shoddily hot-glue into life.

They are of my childhood costumes, 99.9% of which were purchased at some shitty pop-up Halloween store adjacent to the mall. During this time, I had a bratty habit of wearing my OG costume for weeks on end before trick-or-treating, and getting completely burned out on that costume. So much so that I would sometimes make my mom buy an entirely different costume. I know, I know. What a dick.

Here's a perfect example: I got a bride costume one year (ick, nast, inappropriate), but don't worry, I only chose it because it had a white, stretchy sateen bodice trimmed with sequined elastic. And a tulle-y, possibly mullet skirt. I'm also remembering white lace fingerless gloves, although my brain might be confusing that detail with this. Or this. I have a shitload of fingerless lace gloves in the old memory bank. (I unfortunately can't find a picture of this damn getup, but I do have this picture, which is equally inappropriate for a child.)

I wore that shit over and over, because, doy, it was like a ballgown to my second grade self. I was fancy as eff. And a child bride, but whatever. When Halloween week finally rolled around, I was so over the bride costume. It had become like my favorite acid wash jean skort -- nothing special.

So I did whatever any rude kid would do; I whined until my mom bought me a bumblebee costume that I wanted strictly because it had antennas made from gold glittery balls on springs attached to a headband. The glitter ended up all over my stupid face by the end of Halloween night. But I deserved the risk of a scratched cornea for being such a crap ass.

I also don't have a picture of the bumblebee costume, because I suck, but here I am serving it as a witch in a wig. Don't ask me what homie next to me is supposed to be, but he's really utilizing that tarp/disposable tablecloth well.

Halloween rules, every other holiday drools.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Pumpkin Enzyme Facial

The second Allure Insiders facial video is a major Fall staple...the pumpkin! I'm getting all up in the Pumpkin Enzyme Facial, which is kind of like rubbing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on your mug, except that it's great for your skin.

What does it feel like? What does it smell like? (Side note -- I had to edit out at least five minutes of me talking about what each thing smelled like. It was getting creepy like woah.) Watch the video to get the answers to these burning questions and more. FALL 4EVA!

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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The "Million Dollar Facial"

Who's ready to get fancy up in here? Today I've got TWO Outrageous Beauty facial videos coming out for Allure Insiders. The first one is dubbed the "Million Dollar Facial," and involves tons of fancy pants stuff like a diamond microdermabrasion and a 24k face mask. I've never felt less garbage heap-y than I did after these treatments. (And you know that's saying a lot coming from me.)

Check it out if you're feeling extravagant. Or luxurious. Or lavish. I'll post the Fall-centric facial number two in a few hours, so keep those eyeballs peeled. You know, or just check back.

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Monday, October 27, 2014

My Favorite Nudes (Lipsticks, You Sickos!)

I feel like I've been a Never Nude lately. I've been sitting around, blabbing my big dumb mouth about nothing but bright/dark/bold/any other adjectives that mean non-natural-color lip products, and I've been completely neglecting all of the naked ladies of the world. And I actually love the naked ladies.

As much as I flaunt the hell out of crazy-color lipsticks, I'm actually more of a nudist lip type of chick on the daily. I've tried roughly 3.7 billion (lies) nude lips through the years, and I've accumulated a decent arsenal of the "your lips but better" mouth jackets in every kind of formulation, from matte to gloss. So, no matter your preference, I've got you, boo.

The Mattes

Let's start with the seriousness. Matte nudes pack the most color (non-color?) punch, but they're also the thickest and make your lips look the most like a wrinkle circus. I live my life not giving any shits, so that doesn't bother me, but I'm sure some mofos have feeling on this.

My favorite nude mattes are the NYX Soft Matte Lip Creams in Stockholm and London. Stockholm is more of a pinky nude, and London is more of a beige. They run about $6 each, so bonus points for not costing a bazillion doll hairs. (P.S. You can also mix the two of these together, and it's kind of a slice of perfect pie. In my eye. I can't even lie. *snaps for poetry*)

The Gloss

Maybe you hate matte lips. Maybe you're more of a shiny type. That's okay, I'm only slightly judging you silently. Like, three percent. It's fine. To keep it completely honest, I actually use this gloss the most out of anything I'm talking about today, because it's easy and I can put it on sans mirror.

Tarte LipSurgence Lip Gloss in Exposed is the perfect sheer pinkish nude gloss. It's also kind of minty, so if your lips are thirsty and parched, this will be your shit. I'm always thirsty and parched, so this is, in fact, my shit.

The Department Stores

I also have a couple higher-end nude favorites that fall into more of the more traditional lipstick variety. They really vary in color, too, so there's that.

The Clinique Chubby Stick Intense Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Curviest Caramel is pretty bomb. If I didn't think that the word "creamy" was gross as eff I would call it creamy. Because it's creamy. Creamy. It's also a deeper shade than most of the other products I've featured, so if you have a darker skin tone, this will be a damn dream on you, dream box.

MAC Lustre Lipstick in High Tea is my other department store homie. Side note -- I've had this lipstick for YEARS and until this very second I thought that the shade was called "Lustre." Nope. I am so dumb. Anyway, it's great and blah blah blah I love it. I need to go read all the Encyclopaedia Britannicas.

The Drugstores

Don't think that I forgot about my thrifty sisters. These drugstore babies are nothing to scoff at. Also, please don't scoff at things. It's rude. I'm slowly morphing into an Emily Post etiquette blog. Ha. No, I'm not. I SCOFF AT THAT.

In fact, the L'Oreal Colour Riche Colour Caresse Lipstick in Sheer Linen is probably my favorite color of all of these nude dudes, so take THAT expensive stuffs. And the texture is pretty sheer (uh, no doy) and moisturizing. It's well worth the dough.

In other L'Oreal news, L'Oreal Colour Riche Lipstick in Fairest Nude is no slouch, either. I like this lipstick because it almost has a tiny lilac flair. And it's not shimmery. It's kind of weird for a nude, which speaks to me as a weirdo.

Let's get nude! On our lips. I'm actually wearing pants. What are your favorite nude lips? TELL ME ABOUT ALL THE THINGS.

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Thursday, October 23, 2014

"Between Two Ferns" Satisfies All Of Our Cravings (Sorry, Gross) With Brad Pitt And A Dash Of Louis CK

In this latest installment of "Between Two Ferns," we get to relish in the trying-not-to-break moments of Bart Pit, who is known for such films as 12 Years a Salve and Furry, but more notably, still somehow sexual with a mustache. Someone do research on this. I thought it was impossible.

We also get a few short moments with another one of my unlikely crushes, Louis CK.

Why is his shirt inexplicably wet? WHY IS YOUR DUMB SHIRT WET? Get out of here...rats.

If Zach Galifianakis were a lady person, we'd be talking about how he's all skinny and shit now, but I'm much more interested in if anyone remembers when he was in a music video with my favorite weird humanoid, Fiona Apple. And also why his hair is looking like such a mash-up of a colonial dude and a Disney prince. (Side note: I just had to google the Fiona Apple thing, just to make sure that wasn't a peach-schnapps-and-goldschlager-fueled dream I had in the early '00s. It wasn't. It happened.)

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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Crazy-Easy Fall Face, With A Bonus Mini ColourPop Haul

I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.

It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)

Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.

And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.

I have to go do some shit. AKA this:

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