Saturday, March 3, 2018

You Can Keep Your Damn Beauty Samples

Hi. Remember me? I'm drunk. (I KNOW, J'SUPRISE.) Okay, I'm not DRUNK drunk, just like 4/7s drunk. I had two glasses of wine, and felt inspired to do something. Like Lindsay Lohan trying out a new accent. So here I am, spreading my horrible beauty opinions again, like a Jeffree Star/Typhoid Mary hybrid.

I have to be honest, like I am about thinking Justin Bieber's dad is objectively super hot, some of y'all might not be down with the opinion I'm about to spew forth:


I know. You're about to be all, "But it's so fun and new and fresh and new and fresh and also new." But like liking This Is Us—you are wrong.

Let me say, whenever I buy something from Sephora and they try to give me some damn samps, I am v much like:

Keep your Armani Blue Wave Kool Splash Zone cologne sample, honey girl. I am not interested.

Like Rueben Studdard, I'm Sorry for 2004, but I have my reasons. Just hear me out. 

They're Too Small To Do Shit

Listen, Sapphire the beautiful sales associate who somehow looks hot as f wearing gray-ass matte lipstick, I don't need to try anything doled out in a metric amount of less than a thimble. How will I even know if I like an eye cream that I can try on half of one crow's foot-laden under eye? I NEED A GD VAT OF ANYTHING. My cells are literally dying by the millisecond over here. Help a bitch.

Or I need at least more than a literal swipe of foundation. I will never be like, "Oh, I love how this foundation worked on 17% of my forehead. This is a yes for me. Sign me all the way up!" Who can even get one use out of these damn things? David the Gnome

And that's not even my only issue.

I Don't Need to Like More Things

Listen, my beauty routine is exten-muthaeffing-sive. I already have too much shit. The last thing I need is more shit.

What happens if I try one dot of a miracle serum, fall Justin-Bieber's-dad-style in love, then find out it's $457 for one fluid ounce? I will have to move to the moon. It's my only option. And it's cheaper.

I don't need new things. Period. Keep your new things. Especially the spendy sort. I'm old as hell. I still shop at Forever21, because I literally only have two pennies to rub together.

So, beauty samples? All I have to say is...

See you in two years, or something.

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Monday, April 18, 2016

ColourPop VS NYX: Battle Of The Bargain Brows

Being on a makeup budget can be a real rude bitch.  

I will eat some Top Ramen like a Mike Tyson-level champ, but I refuse to walk around with brows that are less than bangin'. In a perfect world, I'd be swimming in women and Brow Wiz pencils, but that's just fiscally irresponsible for my low-rent lifestyle. Dreaming may be free, but Anastasia products sure as shit aren't, so I need cheaper options.

Luckily, there are some brow pencils under $10 (!!!) that will give that MF-ing high-dollar angel of a Brow Wiz a run for her money.  Let's explore two contenders: the ColourPop Brow Pencil and the NYX Micro Brow Pencil.

NYX Micro Brow Pencil in "Taupe" (Ulta, $9.99) has been a recent ride-or-die for me. It's SUPER similar to the Brow Wiz "Taupe" in color, size, and texture. It's also has similar cons, in that I can run through one of these puppies in a month-ish. But at less than half the cost, I can still live worth living. Kind of.

I've compared both of the guys we're discussing with a basic-ass pen so you can get an idea of the size of the brow stroke happenings. The NYX is a little thinner, and both have spoolies on the opposite end of the pencil. The NYX product is retractable, and the ColourPop isn't. Womp womp.

ColourPop is pretty new to the brow game, and as a giant GD ColourPop stan, I was dying to try some of their brow offerings. Especially for $5.

Sadly, I'm not loving this pencil. My first issue is that "Dope Taupe" isn't really taupe-y. It's more medium brown-y. It's a warmer tone and darker than I ever really want in an eyebrow pencil. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS

But my biggest issue with the CP pencil is its texture. It's a little too creamy for my tastes (BRB vomiting), so its lasting power is diminished, like my willpower around an open bag of Ruffles chips. Those friggin' salty ridges, man. It's also a tad thicker (heh), so application is a little harder to control.

I will say that a lot of this shit is just personal preference, so I'm giving you just the facts, ma'am (or sir). ColourPop IS half the price, so file that away in your gorgeous little filofax of a brain as you wish. (Full disclosure -- I'm not really sure what a filofax is, but I feel like all of the 9 to 5 bad bitches had one and I'm trying to be cool.)

For my pennies, I'm going with the NYX pencil. I'd rather give up my chips. (That is a lie.)

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Monday, March 28, 2016

Leave Me Be, Instagram Celebrities: These Are The Only Things Want Notifications About

Everyone is losing their GD collective minds today on Instagram.

Apparently, one of the best apps to spy on c-list celebrity vacations is changing its algorithm tomorrow, showing whatever the shit it thinks will be most important to you first, instead of chronological postings. Or something. I can't really be bothered to research the details, but this has prompted an ONSLAUGHT OF FOOLISHNESS.

A photo posted by Ashley Tisdale (@ashleytisdale) on

Every human on earth now wants you to turn on notifications for their boring-ass Instagram postings. Or else you might find yourself caught unawares of what is happening in Lori Loughlin's life. Can you imagine? Prepare for your world to be in actual shambles. So please make sure that you co-sign on getting constant popups on your phone, or you'll never know that Ian Ziering had some sliced grapefruit for breakfast.

As for me, I want to have exactly zero notifications about anything in life. Unless any of the following things happen:

Melissa Joan Hart stars in a Lifetime movie wherein she rides a mini horse.

Swan's Crossing comes back on.** 

Jon Hamm inquires over my whereabouts because he wants to take me to Applebee's.

Shannen Doherty has a yard sale and is selling some prototypes of Brenda Walsh Collection Clip-On Bangs™.

There's a baby koala on my doorstep and he doesn't have a key to get in.

The wine store goes out of business and is like, "Hold on to your butts, here's a ton of free wine."

Any and all news relating to Mother May I Sleep with Danger? 

If it's none of the above, leave me the hell alone and I'll see your picture of clouds that look like a kitten when I see it.

**I challenge you to find a lower quality video on the internet.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

FYI: You Aren't Good Enough To Look At Prince's Passport Picture

I know, I know -- it's been a damn minute. To be completely transparent (like you know I do), I've been trying to decide the future of this blog, and if there really is one. I'm not trying to evoke any kind of reaction with this declaration; just keeping it all the way real, as I am wont to do. 

BUT, I felt compelled to come out of hibernation to share this amazing slice of heaven as soon as I saw it on UPROXX, because I love you, and what kind of dick would I be if I didn't share this purported passport picture, as presented by Prince himself?

I find it almost zero percent likely that this is Prince's actual passport photo, but really, who am I to question someone whose cat-eye liner is leaps and bounds more perfect than my own? Whose lips sport the absolute optimal amount of nude shine? Whose facial hair very closely resembles a late-'90s shave job of a lady's bathing suit area? I am not the one question this man. Not I.

Not when he has been so many generous with us.

The bounty of his spirit knows no bounds.

This man can say whatever he GD pleases.

Plus, I look like a hot pile of garbage in my passport picture. I can't say shit about shit. Bye. 

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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt

pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.


Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?

Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.

A T-Shirt Ring

Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.

A Blossom Hat

When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.

A 29' Woven Leather Belt

It can never be long enough.

Slouch Socks

Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.

Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings


A Shitload of Tendrils

The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.

Or a Rat Tail

Actual Satan?

With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand

Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.

The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes

I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.

Along With These in Your Ear Holes

These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.

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Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Best Beauty Tenderonis From 2015

It's the end of the year. Let's review.

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Monday, December 28, 2015

Living For Liv: A Ranking Of Olivia Benson's SVU Hair

Real talk: as I've been packing/moving/unpacking/hating my life, I've been watching the shit out of Law & Order: SVU, and by proxy, Olivia Benson.

If there's one thing I obsess over while watching this show (in addition to why every acts like Amaro isn't blazing hot -- does everyone in the NYPD have impaired vision?), it's Detective/Sergeant Olivia Benson's hair. It's an ever-changing and almost always glorious mane, that at times is only like a step-and-a-half below Carrie Bradshaw's best TV hair hair.

I've been drinking wine, so my brain told me it would be fun(ish) to rank Liv's hair looks from worst to best. Let's delve into the mane-ia (OH MY GOD I HATE MYSELF) before the buzz wears off.

12. The Worst Worst (Worse Than Capt. Cragen Being Gone)


11. What Even Is This And Where Is Elliot

While I actually think this color is pretty friggin' delightful on her, but this cut is a snip away from being a bowl cut and a flick of the wrist from an '10 Bieber. No, Liv, no.

10. More Brass Than The NYPD

Oh, look, this hair matches her camel, faux-suede thing. Medium-hard pass for me.

9. Flipping Out Like A Creepy-Ass Perp

This (along with number nine) is giving me strong Lisa Rina vibes, and I mean that in the worst way. I hate Liv with flips.

8. Hot Head Like Amaro

Liv looks like sex with this hair. It's all about that FACE. This is a great Liv.

7. I Miss You Munch

This is old-school Benson hair: not a highlight in sight, and a straight-up round brush blowout, like any lady of the early '00s would covet. It's nice. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when Detectives Munch and Stabler were still in our lives.


I like Liv with bangs, so suck on that.

5. Liv's Life And Hair Get Centered

After ten billion years, Benson gets a promotion and a center part. One of those looks really good on her and one of those is meh like whoa. You guess what's what in this bitch.

4. Too Glam For The Slammer

This is pretty, and completely unrealistic to Olivia Benson's busy life. Homegirl doesn't have time for a curling wand. Get out of here with this hair, Dick Wolf.

3. Tousled Waves (Bye-Bye to Stabler)

On the other hand, these waves are much more believable. Back to sex head. Into it.

2. Swoop-y Side-Bang Benson

This highlight placement and swooped out bang are almost my favorite OB hair to be had. It's quintessential current-ish Liv to me. Hair that would turn any Harry-Connick-Jr-playing-an-ADA-for-a-hot-minute's head.

1. Sleek, Shoulder-Length, and Special (Victims Unit)

This is the Liv-iest Liv hair that's ever lived. We've got great color, a deeeeeep side part, volume, and textured ends. It gives Liv (and me) life. I salute this hair, Sergeant.

Runner Up: OB The Cat

This is Taylor Swift's cat, Olivia Benson. Okay, okay. This mofo is cute. And those ears are adorable. BUT YOU'RE NO LIV, LIV.


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