Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I Didn't Watch The Emmys, But I Already Know That This Billy Eichner Bit Was The Best Part (DON'T YOU ARGUE WITH ME)

I have a hard time watching award shows, man. It gives me a solid case of the bores. I really only want to see what every actual b-face in town is wearing, find out who's drunk, and that about covers it. But that's what the GD internets are for. Please.

So, needless to say, I didn't watch the Emmys this year. But I did come across this Billy on the Street bit on Defamer from the show. And Billy Eichner is my favorite faux-angry screamer on this planet (even though there are so many to choose from), so I already know that this was the best shit from the Emmys.

Did you watch last night? Was it Snoring McBoring visits Snoozeville, or did I actually miss something?

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Monday, August 25, 2014

Here's "Tiny Hamster In a Tiny Mansion," For All Of Your Monday Needs

Here we are. It's the beginning of another work week. Ain't that a bitch? Well, you know what isn't? This adorable-ass teensy hamster named Chicken just getting ready for the day.

Ugh, we know, Ryan. Don't come back until you're ready to show your abs and talk about your secret and going-to-be-a-gorgeous-creature baby.


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Friday, August 22, 2014

Fire Up The Karaoke Machine, Here's Your New Anthem

So the actual lyrics for this song are NSFW like woah, but feel free to bump this loud and proud at any and all locations, because no one will even know that dude is saying eff 3485928340kjafldskj times. I mean, when the vocals get layered at 1:44, every other singer in the world can take one billion seats, because it's all just too perfect. Andrew Lee has the voice of an angel, if angels sang by sucking their voices back into their bodies.

And you can't ask for better background visuals than these. Frogs? Check. Soccer ball? Done. Andrew Lee on Andrew Lee? Obvs. A cat in an Admiral's outfit? Doy. Friends credits? Don't be basic -- of course.

If you're in the market for something a little more groovy that you can really dance to, you're in luck. Welcome to "Body Heat," where the going always gets hot.

Are the kids clipping pens into their unruly, yet luxurious, bangs and jamming in front of ironing boards now? Is that the hot new trend? I'm so MF-ing glad that YouTube wasn't around when I was a teenager/young adult/whatever age is happening here. Thank you, technology gods.

Fireworks and champagne all around for being an old bitch.

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The "What's It Like?" Chronicles: Boob Job Edition

before: so much early '00s & after: '10, probs the last time I wore a bra
I don't think I've ever mentioned here that I have fake boobs. I mean, I also have real boobs, but underneath those are fake bag ones. It definitely hasn't been an intentional omission, you know that I'm weirdly transparent about my life. Maybe even too transparent, like Crystal Pepsi. I've just had these ol' puppies for ten years, and I don't ever think about them. I also don't ever wear boob-showy stuff anymore, so much so that I had to dig back four years for this current-ish boob picture.

But this is a blog about me sharing my experiences about beauty-related shit, and this happened in my life and is semi-beauty-ish, so we might as well talk about it. Especially since I have already done a post about what it's like to get Botox. I'm just going to keep chugging along on this cosmetic alterations train. Choo mf-ing choo.

If you don't have two effs to rub together about boobs, or boob-related surgeries, feel completely free to skip all of this hootenany. (Boobenany?)

When people find out I've had a boob job, I usually get my fair share of questions and curiosities, so I've compiled a few of the regular ones. If you have weirder ones, feel free to ask.

Why did you get them? I've always had my fair share of body issues. I can literally remember the minute they started. I was a Freshman in high school, shopping at 5-7-9 with my mom for a Homecoming dress. I put the first one on: a lace, spaghetti-strapped, long, tight navy dress. It was the first time I had ever noticed that I had recently developed hips. And saddle bags. I told my mom that I wasn't coming out of the dressing room because I was fat. She said something to the effect of, "This is what an adult body looks like, so you better get used to it." And I responded with something along the lines of, "Well, I don't like it."

Fast-forward to almost ten years later, and I've decided that having bigger boobs will "even me out" and take care of all of my lower body worries. So, I did it, without very much thought. (Now you see why I have a butterfly tramp stamp. This is how I make major life decisions.)

Did that work? Please. Absolutely not.

Does it hurt? Kind of, for a few days. And it feels weird as shit when you're getting used to having implants. There's a foreign object under your chest muscle, so the first time you do stuff like vacuum or drive IT FEELS CRAZY.

What do they feel like when you touch them? Straight up round ziploc baggies under a boob. I have felt friends' silicone implants (I have saline, which is just salt water), and those feel less ziploc-y.
How's life different afterward? Here are a few things that will change, for sure:
  • You will never enjoy sleeping on your stomach in the same way again. You can still do it, but it's never, ever the same.
  • Bras just fit weird. Either your nipples hang out, or you have a gap between your skin and the cup. True life.
  • People will ask you a lot of questions about your boobs. I clearly don't mind, but shy people, be aware.
  • You'll have to replace them every 10-ish years. It's past that time for me, but I probably won't swap mine out unless I have problems or it becomes totally necessary. I just don't care enough what they look like anymore. They're saggier now, but what am I, a boob model? (No, I am not.)
  • You might have second (and third and fourth) thoughts on your decision. It's not the early 00's anymore, and fake boobs aren't as popular as they were back in my young buck days. Plus, it didn't make me feel any better about myself, like I anticipated. I've thought about getting my implants taken out, but that's just SO MUCH work. And I'm sure I still wouldn't be happy. And I do enjoy not being married to wearing a bra.

Here's the bottom line: I really wish that I had just been okay with myself enough to not even worry about having plastic surgery in my early twenties. (I know, I know -- what a trite and annoying way to end this.) But seriously, everyone should just enjoy what they've got and work that shit. This is your damn time. On the other hand, it's your body, so just do what you want with it. If you want surgery, modifications, whatever the hell your deal is, that's cool too. Do you, baby.

Okay, I'm so over talking about myself that I can't even stand it one for second. Can we just talk about Justin Bieber? Or at least someone else's boobs?

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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: Cosmetic Acupuncture

I hate needles, man. Unless they are filled with amazing Botulinum toxin (which I sadly haven't gotten in the past couple years), I generally like to stay the hell away from them. So when I heard that I would have SEVERAL needles stuck into my face AT THE SAME TIME and they would all just be hanging out there for a hot-ass minute, I was pretty freaked out.

Watch my latest Allure Insiders video, and see if I was able to keep my cool through the needle-abundant cosmetic acupuncture treatment. Screw you, needles. You pointy little a-holes.

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Monday, August 18, 2014

The WORST Back-To-School Commercial Your Eyes Have Ever Seen

I remember shopping for back-to-school shit being a stressful time. It was such a cluster eff of items to buy, and all you really gave two craps about was getting the best Lisa Frank folders. "So help me, if all of the damn unicorns folders are sold out and I'm stuck here looking at college rule composition notebooks..."

But one thing is for sure when it comes to this trying time of year -- if you need denim, at least four haircuts, backpacks, boots and pants, new shoes, or to get yourself an outfit, you're in luck. East Hills is your one-stop shop in this mofo, clearly. There is literally nowhere else you should even go if you live in St. Joseph, Missouri. I will not allow it.

This is a such a hodgepodge of hot messes that I can't even decipher the very worst part. Is it the Miley Cyrus-esque girl yelling at us about backpacks? The terrified child? The extremely lackluster performance of the boots and pants guy? The haircuts lady actually trying to get a record deal? Someone needs to check on the welfare of the outfit girl, because she looks as if she was coerced into performing with some kind of hostage situation.

I'm sorry, people in this commercial. None of you seem to be willing participants in this amazing piece of art. (Except haircuts.) And I'm sorry for ruining your life by thrusting this upon your senses, anyone reading this.

Good evening to you.

via gawker

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The Best Products To Get Rid Of Gross, Dry Body Skin

Few beauty things are a bigger c-block of a good time than itchy, tight, scaly dry skin. It's terrible, and no one should have to put up with that massive load of bullshit. I have been there, pal, and lived to tell the tales. (Do you remember that commercial from the 90s where homegirl wrote "DRY" on her arm, or something? That's the crap I'm talking about.)

But I have found the solutions to this craptastic beauty problem, and they are vast and varied. So read on, playa, if your skin is feeling extra thirsty.

Best Product for Shiny, Non-Crocodile-y Legs
nivea creme, $7.29 at walgreens
A love for Nivea lotions was passed down to me through my mom, along with my huge-ass forehead. She always had super-shiny, gorgeous legs, slathered to the gills with Nivea. I didn't get her bangin' gams in the genetic lottery (just the 'head), but I did learn that the best way to blaze an eyeball with your legs is with some glossy lotion.

Even more than the Nivea lotion, I friggin' adore Nivea Creme. (Sorry, Mom.) It's so thick and MF-ing indulgent, like putting a marshmallow fluff all over your skin, if that wasn't completely disgusting. And look at the sheen on those legs! I usually reserve this goodness for just lower body areas, pretty much because I like shines on my legs and not anywhere else, but you can use it wherever the hell you want.

Best Overall Getting-Moisturizing-Business-Done Lotion
palmer's cocoa butter, $6.79 at walgreens
Besides the Nivea (and Jergens Natural Glow), this is the only lotion I have ever used consistently.
I will straight boil bunnies if this cocoa butter ever tries to leave me. Okay, I won't, because I effing love bunnies, but I do feel very strongly about this lotion. I've tried a million other lotions, several different cocoa butters, and nothing comes close to this mofo.

If you like smelling like chocolate lite and having skin dripping with moisture (okay, no, gross), you'll love this. And you can buy it at pretty much every store on the planet. It puts the fetch in perfect(h)ion. Whatever. I give up.

Best Anti-Old Lady Hands Hand Cream
ahava mineral hand cream, $23
I've always had the hands of an elderly woman. If that whole "look at a lady's hands to tell her real age" thing is real, I'm royally effed. Also, that crap sounds like some nonsense from the Victorian Age. Anyway, they're just veiny and have the skin texture of a baseball mitt that's caught a bunch of balls hard and been put up wet. It's not cute.

Add to that the fact that I now live in second driest city in America (I googled that, because I research stuff), and you can imagine the state of my paws at this point. I'm at least at an orange on the unfortunate mitts scale. Maybe even orangey-red. Because of this sad sack state of affairs, I've been trying an ass-load of hand creams since I've moved here, and usually I'm all:

I HATE when my hands feel all greased up, like I'm ready to assist in a cow insemination process, or something, and that's the feeling that I get with 99% of hand lotions. So I was digging through a box of beauty products that I've never gotten around to trying, and I found a tube of this Ahava Mineral Hand Cream. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's from my mom. Maybe someone sent it to me to review (sorry, person, if that's the case), but whoever planted this stuff in my life is my hand guardian angel.
It smells like gardenias, which makes me feel like Blanche Devereaux, and that is always a positive in my book. Even better than that, it makes my hands feel like a rich heiress' finest silk blouse and NOT GREASY. Even after I've washed my hands a couple of times, the backs of them are still soft and moisturized. I don't know what kind of magical Care Bear Stare is bottled in this stuff, but I love it.

The one drawback is that this mess is pretty pricey, for sure. But Ulta has it on a buy one, get one half off sale right now (even the travel-sized version for ten baby bills), so that softens the blow (heh) just a tad.

Best Super-Dope Body Oil
shea moisture argan oil & raw shea body oil, $9.99
Body oil is the shit, man. It takes 3 seconds to slather on your body, really brings the moisture, and has a sexual Cleopatra-esque feel to it. Shea Moisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Body Oil is my ride-or-die favorite. I was stuck on coconut oil for a hot minute, but I feel like this concoction is even more moisturizing. It soaks right into your skin like woah, and leaves it feeling like straight butter. The smell is not anything to get excited about, but it's also doesn't make you want to get stabby. You can tolerate it for the oily goodness.

Get on the body oil train, yo. You won't regret that decision, unlike the short-lived stirrup pants revival of '08. That was beyond regretful. And, yes, I totally wore them. Again.

 I'm going to lotion away the memories.

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