Showing posts with label Makeup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Makeup. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

How To Take Your Face From "Blah" To "Blam-ish" In A Few Easy Steps

Time for some real talk -- this post is not for a super-glammed out mug. Reference this for when your face has a haze of meh all over it, and you need to look like functioning human head. The days when you're not shooting for the stars, you're just aiming for the horizon, I guess.

Let's see what we're starting with:

Pretty, pretty, pretty blah.

And as you can see, I am the ultimate trash, because I was watching Vanderpump Rules in the background. Hey, Jax's fourth nose job. Thanks for being here.

Also, please ignore my overly bronzed bod. I put on self tanner and haven't washed off the color guide yet, because ultimate trash and all.

Let's ignore all that noise and working on this mug.

Let Your Brows Carry You Through the Tough Times

Take a lesson from my best friend Britney Spears -- having actual eyebrows on your face can make a world of difference in life. And if not life, at least your face. It brings a structure and shape to your eye like nothing else really can.

Today I used Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in Dark Brown to fill these puppies in, but you can use whatever you have in you Downtown Julie Brow(n) arsenal -- eyeshadow, brow powder, pencil -- live your life. Just fill in the sparseness and bring a little more boldness to those sad sacks. If you have naturally sad sacks like I do.

Bring Some Drama Lite to Your Eyeballs

I once interviewed Trish McEvoy (#humblebrag), and the best tip she told me was how to create the appearance of fuller lashes by dotting eyeliner between your actual lashes on your upper lash line. As inelegant as the following sounds (surprise, surprise, coming from me), if you lightly smoosh a creamy eyeliner into your eyelashes, it looks like you have a billion lashes without giving the appearance of liner. It's just like, "Hey, you've you dope eyelashes. And a lot of them."

For this, I used Eddie Funkhouser Graffiti Creme Eye Pencil (which they sent me like a year ago and I just tried recently and love for this), but you can use anything with a creamy or gel texture. Just not a super-hard (heh) pencil. It will pull too much and not give you enough color payoff.

For the finale of your David Blaine-level lash illusion, finish up with a wiggle of mascara. I used L'Oreal Voluminous Superstar Mascara for this, which is one of those two-sided deals, but I just used the actual mascara side and skipped the primer side. You know I'm lazy to the bone.

Fake that Flush

One of the biggest blah-faced culprits is having a monotone-ass skin tone. It just says, "I'm on bed rest or something of that ilk," and even if you are on bed rest or something of that ilk, you don't have to look like it.

The solution to this unfortunate pallor is using a combo of bronzer and blush to create a flushed-face fake out. I'm using products from this Too Faced Blushed & Bronzed Set because I prefer a bronzer sans a lot of sparkle. I have shit skin and the glittery stuff brings out even more imperfections. I also think a matte bronzer looks more natural, because my skin tends not to glitter up. I don't bleed body glitter.

I'm not using these dudes to contour -- more for just a general glowiness, putting the bronzer where the sun would naturally hit you, if you went in the sun, but you don't because you're trying to stay forever young. (No? Just me?)

You can also use this combo on your eyelids to make them peepers pop even more. I didn't do this because I'm the worst, but it would have looked noice.

A Little Pink-ed Out Lip

A pink lip is complementary as hell to a human being's complexion. It's like taking that whole "your lips but better" idea and kicking that shit up 12 notches. Roughly. It just makes you look alive, man.

I'm using the Sephora Collection Rouge Infusion Lip Stain in Peony that I got in the Sephora Give Me Some Lip set, which I am currently super into. It's like a appetizer sampler that features really bacon-y apps. It's delicious.

This is labeled a lip stain, but it's kind of like a long-wear lipstick that FADES INTO A LIP STAIN. It's MF-ing magic. 

The before is like, "Someone create a Kickstarter for this Silly Putty face." After is like, "Okay, that's a human being and I think they're alive." Upgrade!

That's the end???


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Thursday, October 29, 2015

Weird Makeup Inspo: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...

Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."

In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.

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Monday, August 17, 2015

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: My Favorite Daaaark Makeup

Let me be clear (Obama voice) -- I like dark shit. On the inside, my darkness level hovers around Wednesday Adams and Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice arena. I'm not on, like, a Richard Ramirez/John Wayne Gacy tip; clowns are horrifying (and so is serial murder, I guess), but I'm not a lollipops and sunshine-y person so much. As if you couldn't tell by my ability to rattle off serial killer names.

My love of darkness also extends to my beauty obsessions. Don't get me wrong, I love a bright lipstick and nail polish, but I'm just DRAWN TO ROLLING THE DEEEEEEP. (Side note: I miss you, Adele. Where's that new album, homie?)

This post is all about the darkest of the darkness, and here I am wearing brown eyeliner in this picture, like a bitch. But look at those lips -- it doesn't get much darker. Let's investigate.

Lips That Are Straight-Up DARKSIDED!

Dark lipstick makes you look like someone that's not to be effed with. If you want to look like you want to be effed with, you can skip ahead.

I have a couple of deep wine/berry/Pinot Noir/I'm running out of descriptives lipsticks that I like to mess with. For matte lips, I'm all about ColourPop Lippie Stix in Dalia, and for something a little more glossy, I'm into Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. (I'm wearing them layered in the photo above.)

The thing I love the most about deep lipsticks like these are how universally badass they are, regardless of skin tone. They look vampirically cool on the fair-skinned, and look GORGEOUS on deeper skin tones.

Dark-n-Fringy Lashes For DAYS

I'm not sure that fringy is a word. If it's not, I want it to be.

You probably already know how much I love this shit. Maybelline Lash Sensational in Blackest Black (OF COURSE) is inky as hell, and brings out the deepest, darkest lashes. It's my favorite drugstore mascara, EVER.

It feels good to know I could totally be a graphic designer if I wanted to be. The raw talent is clearly there.

The Darker The Liner, The Darker The Heart

I'm not sure I could exist as a human-ish being without black eyeliner. It's the glue that holds my soul together. It's my Chicken Soup for the No Soul.

My black eyeliner requirements are: black as eff (OF COURSE) and stays on until I die a timely death. My current ride-or-dies are tarte Tarteist Clay Paint Liner and Kat Von D Tattoo Liner in Ink Black. Urban Decay's 24/7 Pencil in Perversion is another solid, crazy-dark option. They are all v, v black and stay on as well as can realistically be expected in today's world.

My only complaint about all these mofos are they aren't waterproof on the inner eyelid waterline, which is straight bullshit. But, UD is giving the people (AKA me) what they want, because they're coming out with this pencil MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR WATERPROOF WATERLINE LINAGE for holiday. Finally. My life is really coming together.

Not-Quite-Black Shadows Are The New Black

There are plenty of great matte, black shadows on this crowded-ass planet. Open any decent eyeshadow palette, and you'll get slapped in the eyeballs with an acceptable one.

So instead of focusing on those, I'm sharing my favorite glittery and almost black shadows. Nars Eye Shadow in Night Porter is a green-black beauty. If a pine tree in a majestic forest mated with a velvety black cat, it would be weird as hell, and also this shadow. But shimmery and shit.

MAC Eye Shadow in Beauty Marked is a super-deep eggplant. I would rather eat a deep-fried eggplant parm sub, but this is lovely, too.

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can't See (Because It's Dark. Get It?)

This isn't the first time I've spouted off my big mouth about my love for dark polish, so I won't stay on this too long and bore you more than my regular levels of boring you. I just came here to say that I have also added this RGB Nail Color in Oxblood to my list of bad bitches.

That concludes my primer on darkness. So, good day, et al.

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Sunday, March 15, 2015

Tipsy Tutorials: Classic Beauty Look

This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done. (I got tipsy and made a makeup tutorial, if that wasn't clear.) Watch at your own braincell risk, man.

Then watch this.

Because I'm sorry and shit.

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Friday, February 27, 2015

The MAC Collections That I Wish Existed

pic via mac cosmetics

The MAC Cinderella Collection came out yesterday, to the delight of thousands of women that grew up with "I-will-marry-Prince-William" fantasies everywhere. And while the collection looks as lovely as a fancy-ass crystal goblet filled with a sparkling wine that didn't even come from a box, it got me thinking* -- what MAC collections would be the very best collections? If dreaming were free, what would we want to see? What if things were fanciful with glee? (Okay, I'll stop. I don't even know what I'm doing.)

Let's just look at this nonsense.

The Neverending Story

I really can't believe a TNES/MAC collab doesn't already exist. It's almost blasphemous, I tell you. HAVE YOU SEEN FALKOR'S IRIDESCENT SCALES, WORLD? They're a GD delight to the senses.

The Childlike Empress' (AKA Ssdjlskjfknvodsnvs') Smudgy Shadow Stick in Ruddy Tears

We look so sad because that damn shadow stick doesn't exist, bb.

Falkor's Flying High in the Sky Faux Lashes

Okay, so this name is terrible. But don't act like you don't covet that magic dragon's eyelashes, or you a damn lie.

Bastian's Super-Shiny Hair Serum

MAC doesn't even make haircare shit, but I think they could make an exception for this one. A bowl cut that glossy really can't be denied.

Arrested Development

The Bluths are as glamorous as they come, and would make for an excellent line of cosmetics. Mostly because you can't spell class without ass.

Lucille's Drunken Glow Illuminating Powder

 If you don't want to shine bright like Lucille Number One, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

It's as Ann as the Nose on Plain's Face Concealer

Because we all wish that our under-eye circles were as invisible as Egg. Her?

Tobias' Nevernude Navy Eye Glitter

Tobias is easily the most colorful of the Bluth bunch, and his addition to the line would leave you tasting those meaty leading man parts in your mouth in no time.

Teen Witch

Teen Witch is coming to Netflix on March 1, so get ready for a national holiday to be declared (in my heart). Hurry, MAC, get this mess ready for National Louise Appreciation Day.

I Will Never Be Hip Gloss 

This lip gloss shall only be worn with bucket hats and '80s-flavored regrets. P.S. Can we get a TW reboot starring Jenny Slate as Polly? P.P.S. Have you ever met an actual human named Polly?

 Top That Finishing Spray

Don't be such a waste of pretty face, and go ahead and try to top that...with a finishing spray. Cuffed capri-rolled jeans and jaunty Hawaiian shirts are optional.

Beverly Hills, 90210

Someone get Andrea Zuckerman on this v, v important project. Homegirl knows how to get shit done. And write a scathing expose on cafeteria food.

David Silver Pigment

Do you need your eyes to sparkle with a glean that says, "I'm a dorky white teenager that's really trying to make an R&B career happen?" It's covered.

Donna Martin's Lipstick in "I'm Still a Virgin"

It's hard to believe that Donna had those rock-solid dance moves and had never gotten freaky in a Burger King bathroom. Brava.

Brenda and Dylan 4EVA Permanent Nail Glue

WARNING: This nail glue will cause a bond that will NEVER, EVER BREAK.  DO YOU HEAR THAT KELLY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

What MAC Collections would you like to be plucked from you heart and brought to reality? Let's discuss the most important issue of the day.

*trademark Carrie Bradshaw

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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Who Wants To Win Something Up In Here?

Allure is giving away some of their January Sample Society boxes. If you want to see what's inside that bad little baby and how to win, watch this vid.

What would you do if I said "WINNING!" right now? You better say you would slap me. Bonus points if you said slap me with Amal Clooney's white satin '90s prom gloves from the Golden Globes.

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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Allure Insiders Get The Look: GIRLS Character Mashup

This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.

So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.

Sorry, Earth.

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Monday, December 22, 2014

Double-Duty Beauty: The 5 Product Face

I friggin' love using double-duty beauty products. Whenever you can use something for more than one purpose, that's a good-ass deal. So I decided to make a video using only five products, and using four of those things for two things...shit, that's confusing.

Just watch the video (if you want). It will all (kind of) make sense. I'm also posting all of the products that I used below the video, just in case you're in an anti-video jail, or at your Gam Gam's, or something, and can't watch.

Here are the details, for you non-watchers:

Product #1 -- Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation in Light 48 on my face. (Uhhh doy)
Product #2 -- Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Naked on my eyes and brows.
Product #3 -- Benefit Hoola Bronzer under my cheekbones, on hairline, and dusted across nose and jawline. Also on the crease of my lids.
Product #4 -- Makeup Academy Color Intense Lipstick in #258 Pansy is the ol' lips and also used as a cream blush.
Product #5 -- L'Oreal Voluminous Miss Manga Mascara in Blackest Black is used on a flat brush as a baby eyeliner and as a mascara, of course.

Do you have any double-duty makeup products? Tell me all the things.

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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Throwback National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Makeup Tutorial

It's the holiday season, FOR REAL for real. I know this because I got all up on a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation hair and makeup tutorial this month for my Allure Insiders video. If you're into looking like a minx-y Beverly D'Angelo, watch away.

Now I have to go, because I have bought exactly ZERO gifts for ZERO people. Sorry I'm the worst, friends and family.

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Thursday, November 27, 2014

Problem Solvers: Help, I Can't Put On Eyeliner

Remember this graphic? Probs not, because I only used it once. I had big-ass plans to do a help column (section? I should know this) on this blog to remedy beauty issues, then I got shitty and only did it once. What can I say? I'm still the same ol' G.

So here I am to make semi-amends by helping my sisters (and brothers) that have told me "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO APPLY EYELINER IN VARIOUS FORMS," and then run away in shame. Hide no more, my friends. It's not happening anymore. Not on my watch.

Shall we delve?

The "I Can't Draw a Straight Line on My Eye" Crew

ud 24/7 eye pencil in zero ($20) & sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Listen, I kind of feel you on this one. I personally can't draw a straight eyeliner line on an eyeball with a pencil unless I pull my eyelid. Like the old school, totally gives you wrinkles style. It's not cute.

So the great alternative, easy-like-woah way to define your eyes is to do a slightly smudgy line. You have a couple of options as far as products to use on this one. I MUCH prefer a gel/cream eyeliner and brush combo because it's easier to control, but you can also use a creamy (gag) pencil and your finger. Or brush. You know my style -- do whatever the eff you want.

If you're using the cream/gel liner and a brush, it's ridiculously friggin' easy. Just wiggle the brush into your upper lash line, moving along the length of your eyelid, from the outside in. SO DAMN SIMPLE.

If you want to work the pencil eyeliner, hold it against your lashes and make little dots across your lash line. Then lightly smudge the dots with either your pinky or a flat brush to connect the dots (har har) into a single, smoky line. Now you're all defined-up, eye-pulling and straight lines be damned.

The "What the Hell is a Waterline?" Squad

sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Waterlines are notoriously difficult to deal with when it comes to eyeliner. They're like the (alleged) Katherine Heigls of the beauty world. And because of this, I will only use gel or cream liner to line my bottom waterline. I just stays so much better.

I've been using a Sephora waterproof cream liner forever (ever), but when I went to replace it, I found that it's been discontinued and replaced with this gel liner. And this new liner is straight Meh City, USA, but it's still better than using a pencil liner. That's how much I hate pencil liner on my bottom waterline. I'll take 'meh' over it.

For the bottom waterline, just pat on a waterproof gel/cream eyeliner with a thin, flat brush. If you're oily, or have juicy eyeballs, top with black eyeshadow to keep that shit in check. I promise it will cut down on the bleeding of the liner and keep you from looking a crazy mess.

On the upper waterline, press the liner into the lashes from underneath with your choice of beauty weapon. Make sure that you wiggle the liner a little to get in between the lashes. You don't want weird spaces popping up in there. It makes your eyelashes look patchy, and homie don't play that nonsense. This little trick will make you look like you have a bazillion lashes and also somehow more awake. I don't know why. I'm not a scientist.

The "Cat-eye Eyeliner is Too Hard" Homies

kat von d tattoo liner ($18)

Hey scared-of-cat-eye friend, guess what? I USED TO BE YOU, MAN. I didn't know how the hell to draw on a winged line to save my damn life for a long-ass time. Then my cousin, who is the type to wear cat-eyes every day, showed me this triangle trick many a year ago, and that shit promptly changed my eyeliner life.

Here's the big secret -- don't just draw some weirdo line coming straight off the side of your eyelid and call it a day. Instead, draw a line angling toward the end(ish) of your eyebrow. It can be straight or swoop-y. It's your world. Then draw on a line from the end point of that first line, back to your lash line. Now fill in that shape. The last step is to line your lash line, from either the very inner corner of your eye or the start of your lashes, and connect it to the shape you have drawn. You can make the lash line line (???) as thin or as thick as you want. Remember? Do whatever your eyeballs tell you.

Okay, that's all I've got. I think I've covered all of the bases and their bases. If you've got more eyeliner issues, please let me know if I can help. Maybe it's something that I've never even heard of. That would be kind of dope.

Also, tell me your other beauty problems that you would like me to (attempt to) solve. Or non-beauty stuffs. Maybe I can help with that, too. I'm a great listener.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: The Hunger Games Capitol Retrospect

It's almost time for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 (??? I don't know the format of these titles). Whatever the hell you want to call it, I'm excited about it.

If you want to relive the heyday of the Capitol (I don't know, maybe you're all #TeamPresSnow), watch my Allure Insiders video for a makeup look inspired by the Capitol. But wearable-ish. May the odds be ever in your favor, and all.

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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Crazy-Easy Fall Face, With A Bonus Mini ColourPop Haul

I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.

It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)

Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.

And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.

I have to go do some shit. AKA this:

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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: Ariel Halloween Makeup Edition

It's almost Halloween up in here (up in here)! That's my ride-or-die favorite time of year, and to kick off ye olde costume season, I did a little tutorial for The Little Mermaid for my latest "Get the Look" Allure Insiders video.

I might have even attempted my own Ariel-esque hair flip in this video. You'll have to watch and find out how that turned out, although I'm sure that you can deduce the outcome, you little Sherlock Holmes.

Happy (almost) Halloween!

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Monday, August 4, 2014

How To Make Your Foundation Work To Its Fullest On Non-Perfect Skin

Hey, have you heard? I have nightmarish-to-night terrorish skin. I know, I know -- my life is a dream. The upswing of my face having a permanent residence on Shitty Skin Avenue? I have learned many a tip on how to camouflage (as much as possible) a plethora of skin issues including: enlarged pores, acne scars, live-action (even cystic) acne, and discoloration of every type.

When it comes to covering not-so-great skin, you pretty much have to take mad extra steps and go balls to the wall when it comes to coverage. This ain't your best friend's sister's perfect-skinned cousin's "throw on some BB Cream and call it a day" foundation routine. This mess is INVOLVED. So maybe this is more of a "going out" type deal for you. Maybe it's an "everyday" type deal for you (ahem, me). Hey, I don't know your life.

Sit back, grab some snacks and let's delve into this novel that I call my foundation routine.

Choose Your Primer Adventure

I know that a lot of you out there aren't priming your mug pre-foundation, but I promise your ass that it makes a difference in both the smoothness of application and staying power of your face paints. There are a dumpster-load of options when it comes to the type of primer you can choose, but I've found the best kind for each skin-type because MY SKIN HAS BEEN ALL THINGS. This is my real and actual life.

Oily Skin: I have used this primer method on and off for years and years, although it's a smidge unconventional. I'm talking using a powder as primer for oily skin. I know this sounds weird as eff, but when I lived in so-humid-you-want-to-cry-then-die Florida, this worked really well for me because my skin was BEYOND CRAZY OILY. I've also found it to work way better than f'real primers for oily skin, which usual end up giving you splotchy and unfortunate foundation situations.

Here's what you do -- apply a powder (translucent if you want less coverage, powder with actual color if you want more) to your face with a fluffy brush before you apply your liquid foundation. That's it. If you have places on your face that have heavy discoloration/need a ton of covering, use a sponge to add more product to those specific areas. This method can have a tendency for more cake-faced instances if you get like Goldie Hawn and go overboard, so just don't get too, too crazy with it.

Normal Skin: Normal skin can really get away with just about anything, but I have really been enamored as eff with the easiness and lightness of Skindinavia's Primer Spray ($35). I've already reviewed this, so I'll keep this shit short. It still does a great jobby job of priming, but feels zero percent gross on your mug. But instead of spritzing it directly on my face, I've taken to doing two sprays into my palm and applying it to my face with my hands. That way I'm in control, like Janet Jackson in this b.

Dry Skin: If you have dry skin, primer is a great way to give your face extra smoothness and to seal in moisture. I wanted to tell you about how much I love the Victoria's Secret Primer above, but they discontinued it, so bump that, I guess. Whatever, use a damn primer. You'll love your foundation way more, I promise.

Bonus Tip: If large pores are an issue for you, use a pore-minimizing balm like Benefit POREfessional ($31) to minimize those mofos after applying your primer of choice. (Unless you're doing the powder primer method. In that case, do it before.)

Cover All The Bases

So this shit ain't rocket science -- if you want more coverage on your problematic skin, choose a fuller coverage foundation. My foundation trial portfolio is strong-to-quite strong, so I can help you narrow down the craziness.

Oily skin should choose a liquid foundation with a matte finish. My favorites are Rimmel Stay Matte Liquid Mousse ($5.49-ish) for drugstore brands, and Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation ($34) for higher-end stuffs. They both stay on forever ever (especially the KVD) and will help tell your oil glands to calm their tits for once.

Drier-skinned peeps can lean more toward the likes of Laura Mercier Silk Creme Foundation ($45), which I LOVE, and DERMABLEND Smooth Indulgence Foundation ($32). You really can't miss with any of these foundations. They all fall into the dope to bomb categories.

The Application Game

Picking a bangin' foundation isn't the only key to the flawless-ish faced kingdom. How you apply said foundation is also très important.

I love the damn Beauty Blender ($19.95). I've probably talked about this baby before, but I just can't be held responsible for my repetitions. It's great for blending (doy) foundation, and leaves your skin with a great finish. But for times when I want more foundation with my foundation, I prefer using my IT Cosmetics Flat Top Buffing Foundation Brush ($48). This thing is expensive, but it's a bad b. It allows for fuller, yet super-even coverage.

Conceal Your Deal

After foundation times have come upon your face it's time to conceal. You might have to work on that under-eye area, or maybe you still have some blemishes and whatnot to cover. My favorites for these jobs are Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer Palette ($10.49) for drugstore, and Amazing Cosmetics Concealer ($42) for that spendy spendy. I like to apply either with a fingertip, because the body heat from skin really blends the concealer. (That was an overtly sexual-sounding sentence. Avert your eyes, minors.)

Stop...Powder Time!

The time has come to powder your nose (and everything else). Once again, you have a few different paths you can choose, depending on the level of coverage you require. If you don't need any more, just brush on a translucent powder. NARS Light Reflecting Loose Setting Powder ($35) is my favorite, but do your thang with whatever. 

If you want a touch more coverage, go for a lighter mineral powder like Everyday Minerals Semi-Matte Base ($14). It's not completely matte, so you won't have a crazy plastic android face.

I, on the other hand, want coverage that rivals the Phantom of the Opera's mask, so I'm obsessed with Kat Von D Lock-It Powder Foundation ($34) for topping off my foundation. Just make sure to apply it with a fluffy brush and not a sponge, or your mug will definitely be filed under "too friggin' much, dude."

Bonus Tip: If you suffer from uneven skin texture (that's me to the extreme, baby), avoid overly sparkly face stuffs. It draws more attention to imperfections. Trust.

Spray To Stay

Pshew, we're almost done. If you're still here, you're a ride-or-die homie. The very final step is to keep your shit in check with a setting spray. This helps your makeup last all day (especially in gross heat/humidity), and will also eliminate any George Washington's wig-like powdery look to your face.

My oily-skinned sisters, when it comes to picking a setting spray you're best off picking either Urban Decay's De-Slick ($30) or Model in a Bottle OG formula ($18), which is my favoritest favorite. If you're more on the dry side, Model in a Bottle also makes a Sensitive Skin Formula ($21) that won't leave you completely parched.

Okay, okay, I'm done with my foundation yammering. I can't take any more of this.

I need to take several seats followed by twenty-nine naps. At least all of your faces will look like MF-ing perfection. I can rest easy in that.

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