The Best Beauty Tenderonis From 2015

It's the end of the year. Let's review.




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3 Easy-Ass Tricks To Make Lipstick Last FOREVAH

There are days when your lips are all, "FEED ME (MOISTURE), SEYMOUR," and you slather the hell out of your lips with the glossiest gloss that's ever glossed. Then there are the times that you crave a lasting color on your lips that won't fade away like the hotness of the dudes in Color Me Badd. Group B, this is for you.

Don't even worry, there's no need for you to go out and buy a long-last lipstick for all of that, Jazzy Jeff. There are some easy steps you can take to get that long-ass lip wear without spending one more penny on another lip product.

1. Line Time, All the Time.

You'll start by lining your lips, but not in a brown-liner-on-the-periphery-and-wait-for-the-white-frosted-lipstick kind of way that you might think of when I say lip liner. I'm talking all over your damn lips, like you're using a Barbie-sized lipstick. 

This works like a primer for your lip, and just gets the shit you're about to apply to stick like an Elmer's glue stick for your ass. I will almost always use a nude-colored liner, regardless of the lip color I'm going to apply, but if you want the shade to stay vibrant as eff, line with a similar-to-the-lipstick color.

2. Skip the Gloss, Boss.

Listen, I love lip gloss as much as the next Mariah Carey impersonator (this is just an assumption), but gloss sucks when it comes to staying power. You can quite literally kiss that shit goodbye after one sip from your constant companion, AKA your wine glass.

Instead, use a lipstick for lasting color. Matte finishes last the longest, but I actually picked a pretty moisturizing shade (CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound) for this, just to prove you don't have to use something that will suck all the moisture out of your mouth to get this hootenanny to work. Live your life -- you know how I do.

3. Do It Powdered Doughnut Style.

The last step in the game is to grab a separated tissue or that really thin and shitty two-ply toilet paper and put it over your freshly-painted lips. Apply a translucent powder over the tissue/TP/whatever you want, using a puff or a powder brush.

The powder will soak up a little of the oiliness of the lipstick and get that shit to stay like Lisa Loeb, without any of the drying or discomfort of a long-wear lipstick. Now you're free to go do your damn thing, without that c-block of a faded an uneven lipstick situation.

Watch out mouth, here comes wine.

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How To Take Your Face From "Blah" To "Blam-ish" In A Few Easy Steps

Time for some real talk -- this post is not for a super-glammed out mug. Reference this for when your face has a haze of meh all over it, and you need to look like functioning human head. The days when you're not shooting for the stars, you're just aiming for the horizon, I guess.

Let's see what we're starting with:

Pretty, pretty, pretty blah.

And as you can see, I am the ultimate trash, because I was watching Vanderpump Rules in the background. Hey, Jax's fourth nose job. Thanks for being here.

Also, please ignore my overly bronzed bod. I put on self tanner and haven't washed off the color guide yet, because ultimate trash and all.

Let's ignore all that noise and working on this mug.

Let Your Brows Carry You Through the Tough Times

Take a lesson from my best friend Britney Spears -- having actual eyebrows on your face can make a world of difference in life. And if not life, at least your face. It brings a structure and shape to your eye like nothing else really can.

Today I used Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade in Dark Brown to fill these puppies in, but you can use whatever you have in you Downtown Julie Brow(n) arsenal -- eyeshadow, brow powder, pencil -- live your life. Just fill in the sparseness and bring a little more boldness to those sad sacks. If you have naturally sad sacks like I do.

Bring Some Drama Lite to Your Eyeballs

I once interviewed Trish McEvoy (#humblebrag), and the best tip she told me was how to create the appearance of fuller lashes by dotting eyeliner between your actual lashes on your upper lash line. As inelegant as the following sounds (surprise, surprise, coming from me), if you lightly smoosh a creamy eyeliner into your eyelashes, it looks like you have a billion lashes without giving the appearance of liner. It's just like, "Hey, you've you dope eyelashes. And a lot of them."

For this, I used Eddie Funkhouser Graffiti Creme Eye Pencil (which they sent me like a year ago and I just tried recently and love for this), but you can use anything with a creamy or gel texture. Just not a super-hard (heh) pencil. It will pull too much and not give you enough color payoff.

For the finale of your David Blaine-level lash illusion, finish up with a wiggle of mascara. I used L'Oreal Voluminous Superstar Mascara for this, which is one of those two-sided deals, but I just used the actual mascara side and skipped the primer side. You know I'm lazy to the bone.

Fake that Flush

One of the biggest blah-faced culprits is having a monotone-ass skin tone. It just says, "I'm on bed rest or something of that ilk," and even if you are on bed rest or something of that ilk, you don't have to look like it.

The solution to this unfortunate pallor is using a combo of bronzer and blush to create a flushed-face fake out. I'm using products from this Too Faced Blushed & Bronzed Set because I prefer a bronzer sans a lot of sparkle. I have shit skin and the glittery stuff brings out even more imperfections. I also think a matte bronzer looks more natural, because my skin tends not to glitter up. I don't bleed body glitter.

I'm not using these dudes to contour -- more for just a general glowiness, putting the bronzer where the sun would naturally hit you, if you went in the sun, but you don't because you're trying to stay forever young. (No? Just me?)

You can also use this combo on your eyelids to make them peepers pop even more. I didn't do this because I'm the worst, but it would have looked noice.

A Little Pink-ed Out Lip

A pink lip is complementary as hell to a human being's complexion. It's like taking that whole "your lips but better" idea and kicking that shit up 12 notches. Roughly. It just makes you look alive, man.

I'm using the Sephora Collection Rouge Infusion Lip Stain in Peony that I got in the Sephora Give Me Some Lip set, which I am currently super into. It's like a appetizer sampler that features really bacon-y apps. It's delicious.

This is labeled a lip stain, but it's kind of like a long-wear lipstick that FADES INTO A LIP STAIN. It's MF-ing magic. 

The before is like, "Someone create a Kickstarter for this Silly Putty face." After is like, "Okay, that's a human being and I think they're alive." Upgrade!

That's the end???

Yes.

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Weird Makeup Inspo: Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark

I recently bought the Are You Afraid of the Dark trilogy, because how could I not, and also...

Reading these books again really brought me back to being a weird kid, reenacting the stories in front of my Stepmom's video camera. Especially my literal ride-or-die (it's basically all horseback riding) story, "Cold as Clay."

In tribute, I did a non-scary eye look inspired by this two-paged tale of terror. Okay, terror is way too strong. Curiosity? Whatever, watch if you're into it.




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Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: My Favorite Daaaark Makeup

Let me be clear (Obama voice) -- I like dark shit. On the inside, my darkness level hovers around Wednesday Adams and Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice arena. I'm not on, like, a Richard Ramirez/John Wayne Gacy tip; clowns are horrifying (and so is serial murder, I guess), but I'm not a lollipops and sunshine-y person so much. As if you couldn't tell by my ability to rattle off serial killer names.

My love of darkness also extends to my beauty obsessions. Don't get me wrong, I love a bright lipstick and nail polish, but I'm just DRAWN TO ROLLING THE DEEEEEEP. (Side note: I miss you, Adele. Where's that new album, homie?)

This post is all about the darkest of the darkness, and here I am wearing brown eyeliner in this picture, like a bitch. But look at those lips -- it doesn't get much darker. Let's investigate.

Lips That Are Straight-Up DARKSIDED!

Dark lipstick makes you look like someone that's not to be effed with. If you want to look like you want to be effed with, you can skip ahead.

I have a couple of deep wine/berry/Pinot Noir/I'm running out of descriptives lipsticks that I like to mess with. For matte lips, I'm all about ColourPop Lippie Stix in Dalia, and for something a little more glossy, I'm into Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. (I'm wearing them layered in the photo above.)

The thing I love the most about deep lipsticks like these are how universally badass they are, regardless of skin tone. They look vampirically cool on the fair-skinned, and look GORGEOUS on deeper skin tones.

Dark-n-Fringy Lashes For DAYS

I'm not sure that fringy is a word. If it's not, I want it to be.

You probably already know how much I love this shit. Maybelline Lash Sensational in Blackest Black (OF COURSE) is inky as hell, and brings out the deepest, darkest lashes. It's my favorite drugstore mascara, EVER.

It feels good to know I could totally be a graphic designer if I wanted to be. The raw talent is clearly there.

The Darker The Liner, The Darker The Heart

I'm not sure I could exist as a human-ish being without black eyeliner. It's the glue that holds my soul together. It's my Chicken Soup for the No Soul.

My black eyeliner requirements are: black as eff (OF COURSE) and stays on until I die a timely death. My current ride-or-dies are tarte Tarteist Clay Paint Liner and Kat Von D Tattoo Liner in Ink Black. Urban Decay's 24/7 Pencil in Perversion is another solid, crazy-dark option. They are all v, v black and stay on as well as can realistically be expected in today's world.

My only complaint about all these mofos are they aren't waterproof on the inner eyelid waterline, which is straight bullshit. But, UD is giving the people (AKA me) what they want, because they're coming out with this pencil MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR WATERPROOF WATERLINE LINAGE for holiday. Finally. My life is really coming together.

Not-Quite-Black Shadows Are The New Black

There are plenty of great matte, black shadows on this crowded-ass planet. Open any decent eyeshadow palette, and you'll get slapped in the eyeballs with an acceptable one.

So instead of focusing on those, I'm sharing my favorite glittery and almost black shadows. Nars Eye Shadow in Night Porter is a green-black beauty. If a pine tree in a majestic forest mated with a velvety black cat, it would be weird as hell, and also this shadow. But shimmery and shit.

MAC Eye Shadow in Beauty Marked is a super-deep eggplant. I would rather eat a deep-fried eggplant parm sub, but this is lovely, too.

Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can't See (Because It's Dark. Get It?)

This isn't the first time I've spouted off my big mouth about my love for dark polish, so I won't stay on this too long and bore you more than my regular levels of boring you. I just came here to say that I have also added this RGB Nail Color in Oxblood to my list of bad bitches.

That concludes my primer on darkness. So, good day, et al.

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Tipsy Tutorials: Classic Beauty Look

This might be the dumbest thing I've ever done. (I got tipsy and made a makeup tutorial, if that wasn't clear.) Watch at your own braincell risk, man.

Then watch this.

Because I'm sorry and shit.








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The MAC Collections That I Wish Existed

pic via mac cosmetics

The MAC Cinderella Collection came out yesterday, to the delight of thousands of women that grew up with "I-will-marry-Prince-William" fantasies everywhere. And while the collection looks as lovely as a fancy-ass crystal goblet filled with a sparkling wine that didn't even come from a box, it got me thinking* -- what MAC collections would be the very best collections? If dreaming were free, what would we want to see? What if things were fanciful with glee? (Okay, I'll stop. I don't even know what I'm doing.)

Let's just look at this nonsense.

The Neverending Story

I really can't believe a TNES/MAC collab doesn't already exist. It's almost blasphemous, I tell you. HAVE YOU SEEN FALKOR'S IRIDESCENT SCALES, WORLD? They're a GD delight to the senses.

The Childlike Empress' (AKA Ssdjlskjfknvodsnvs') Smudgy Shadow Stick in Ruddy Tears

We look so sad because that damn shadow stick doesn't exist, bb.

Falkor's Flying High in the Sky Faux Lashes

Okay, so this name is terrible. But don't act like you don't covet that magic dragon's eyelashes, or you a damn lie.

Bastian's Super-Shiny Hair Serum

MAC doesn't even make haircare shit, but I think they could make an exception for this one. A bowl cut that glossy really can't be denied.

Arrested Development

The Bluths are as glamorous as they come, and would make for an excellent line of cosmetics. Mostly because you can't spell class without ass.

Lucille's Drunken Glow Illuminating Powder

 If you don't want to shine bright like Lucille Number One, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

It's as Ann as the Nose on Plain's Face Concealer

Because we all wish that our under-eye circles were as invisible as Egg. Her?

Tobias' Nevernude Navy Eye Glitter

Tobias is easily the most colorful of the Bluth bunch, and his addition to the line would leave you tasting those meaty leading man parts in your mouth in no time.

Teen Witch

Teen Witch is coming to Netflix on March 1, so get ready for a national holiday to be declared (in my heart). Hurry, MAC, get this mess ready for National Louise Appreciation Day.

I Will Never Be Hip Gloss 

This lip gloss shall only be worn with bucket hats and '80s-flavored regrets. P.S. Can we get a TW reboot starring Jenny Slate as Polly? P.P.S. Have you ever met an actual human named Polly?

 Top That Finishing Spray

Don't be such a waste of pretty face, and go ahead and try to top that...with a finishing spray. Cuffed capri-rolled jeans and jaunty Hawaiian shirts are optional.

Beverly Hills, 90210

Someone get Andrea Zuckerman on this v, v important project. Homegirl knows how to get shit done. And write a scathing expose on cafeteria food.

David Silver Pigment

Do you need your eyes to sparkle with a glean that says, "I'm a dorky white teenager that's really trying to make an R&B career happen?" It's covered.

Donna Martin's Lipstick in "I'm Still a Virgin"

It's hard to believe that Donna had those rock-solid dance moves and had never gotten freaky in a Burger King bathroom. Brava.

Brenda and Dylan 4EVA Permanent Nail Glue

WARNING: This nail glue will cause a bond that will NEVER, EVER BREAK.  DO YOU HEAR THAT KELLY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

What MAC Collections would you like to be plucked from you heart and brought to reality? Let's discuss the most important issue of the day.


*trademark Carrie Bradshaw

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Who Wants To Win Something Up In Here?

Allure is giving away some of their January Sample Society boxes. If you want to see what's inside that bad little baby and how to win, watch this vid.

What would you do if I said "WINNING!" right now? You better say you would slap me. Bonus points if you said slap me with Amal Clooney's white satin '90s prom gloves from the Golden Globes.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: GIRLS Character Mashup

This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.

So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.

Sorry, Earth.





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Double-Duty Beauty: The 5 Product Face

I friggin' love using double-duty beauty products. Whenever you can use something for more than one purpose, that's a good-ass deal. So I decided to make a video using only five products, and using four of those things for two things...shit, that's confusing.

Just watch the video (if you want). It will all (kind of) make sense. I'm also posting all of the products that I used below the video, just in case you're in an anti-video jail, or at your Gam Gam's, or something, and can't watch.

Here are the details, for you non-watchers:

Product #1 -- Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation in Light 48 on my face. (Uhhh doy)
Product #2 -- Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Naked on my eyes and brows.
Product #3 -- Benefit Hoola Bronzer under my cheekbones, on hairline, and dusted across nose and jawline. Also on the crease of my lids.
Product #4 -- Makeup Academy Color Intense Lipstick in #258 Pansy is the ol' lips and also used as a cream blush.
Product #5 -- L'Oreal Voluminous Miss Manga Mascara in Blackest Black is used on a flat brush as a baby eyeliner and as a mascara, of course.

Do you have any double-duty makeup products? Tell me all the things.



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Allure Insiders Get The Look: Throwback National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Makeup Tutorial

It's the holiday season, FOR REAL for real. I know this because I got all up on a National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation hair and makeup tutorial this month for my Allure Insiders video. If you're into looking like a minx-y Beverly D'Angelo, watch away.

Now I have to go, because I have bought exactly ZERO gifts for ZERO people. Sorry I'm the worst, friends and family.



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Problem Solvers: Help, I Can't Put On Eyeliner

Remember this graphic? Probs not, because I only used it once. I had big-ass plans to do a help column (section? I should know this) on this blog to remedy beauty issues, then I got shitty and only did it once. What can I say? I'm still the same ol' G.

So here I am to make semi-amends by helping my sisters (and brothers) that have told me "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO APPLY EYELINER IN VARIOUS FORMS," and then run away in shame. Hide no more, my friends. It's not happening anymore. Not on my watch.

Shall we delve?

The "I Can't Draw a Straight Line on My Eye" Crew

ud 24/7 eye pencil in zero ($20) & sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Listen, I kind of feel you on this one. I personally can't draw a straight eyeliner line on an eyeball with a pencil unless I pull my eyelid. Like the old school, totally gives you wrinkles style. It's not cute.

So the great alternative, easy-like-woah way to define your eyes is to do a slightly smudgy line. You have a couple of options as far as products to use on this one. I MUCH prefer a gel/cream eyeliner and brush combo because it's easier to control, but you can also use a creamy (gag) pencil and your finger. Or brush. You know my style -- do whatever the eff you want.

If you're using the cream/gel liner and a brush, it's ridiculously friggin' easy. Just wiggle the brush into your upper lash line, moving along the length of your eyelid, from the outside in. SO DAMN SIMPLE.

If you want to work the pencil eyeliner, hold it against your lashes and make little dots across your lash line. Then lightly smudge the dots with either your pinky or a flat brush to connect the dots (har har) into a single, smoky line. Now you're all defined-up, eye-pulling and straight lines be damned.

The "What the Hell is a Waterline?" Squad

sephora waterproof gel eyeliner ($14)

Waterlines are notoriously difficult to deal with when it comes to eyeliner. They're like the (alleged) Katherine Heigls of the beauty world. And because of this, I will only use gel or cream liner to line my bottom waterline. I just stays so much better.

I've been using a Sephora waterproof cream liner forever (ever), but when I went to replace it, I found that it's been discontinued and replaced with this gel liner. And this new liner is straight Meh City, USA, but it's still better than using a pencil liner. That's how much I hate pencil liner on my bottom waterline. I'll take 'meh' over it.

For the bottom waterline, just pat on a waterproof gel/cream eyeliner with a thin, flat brush. If you're oily, or have juicy eyeballs, top with black eyeshadow to keep that shit in check. I promise it will cut down on the bleeding of the liner and keep you from looking a crazy mess.

On the upper waterline, press the liner into the lashes from underneath with your choice of beauty weapon. Make sure that you wiggle the liner a little to get in between the lashes. You don't want weird spaces popping up in there. It makes your eyelashes look patchy, and homie don't play that nonsense. This little trick will make you look like you have a bazillion lashes and also somehow more awake. I don't know why. I'm not a scientist.

The "Cat-eye Eyeliner is Too Hard" Homies

kat von d tattoo liner ($18)

Hey scared-of-cat-eye friend, guess what? I USED TO BE YOU, MAN. I didn't know how the hell to draw on a winged line to save my damn life for a long-ass time. Then my cousin, who is the type to wear cat-eyes every day, showed me this triangle trick many a year ago, and that shit promptly changed my eyeliner life.

Here's the big secret -- don't just draw some weirdo line coming straight off the side of your eyelid and call it a day. Instead, draw a line angling toward the end(ish) of your eyebrow. It can be straight or swoop-y. It's your world. Then draw on a line from the end point of that first line, back to your lash line. Now fill in that shape. The last step is to line your lash line, from either the very inner corner of your eye or the start of your lashes, and connect it to the shape you have drawn. You can make the lash line line (???) as thin or as thick as you want. Remember? Do whatever your eyeballs tell you.

Okay, that's all I've got. I think I've covered all of the bases and their bases. If you've got more eyeliner issues, please let me know if I can help. Maybe it's something that I've never even heard of. That would be kind of dope.

Also, tell me your other beauty problems that you would like me to (attempt to) solve. Or non-beauty stuffs. Maybe I can help with that, too. I'm a great listener.




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Allure Insiders Get The Look: The Hunger Games Capitol Retrospect

It's almost time for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 (??? I don't know the format of these titles). Whatever the hell you want to call it, I'm excited about it.

If you want to relive the heyday of the Capitol (I don't know, maybe you're all #TeamPresSnow), watch my Allure Insiders video for a makeup look inspired by the Capitol. But wearable-ish. May the odds be ever in your favor, and all.


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A Crazy-Easy Fall Face, With A Bonus Mini ColourPop Haul

I did a combo video today. Like those gross pretzel-with-fake-pizza-cheese things, but hopefully 100% less gross. And more pizza-y.

It's one part easy Fall makeup tutorial, one part mini haul for ColourPop, one part rambling river mouth. (How many parts are there? It's unclear, much like my trains of thought.)

Here are the lip colors I talked about, in a collage where they look eerily similar. They are in fact different. Here's the top shade and here's the bottom. See? Totally...different.

And as promised, here are swatches and close-ups of the shadows. Pretty amazing, right? You can check out all the available shadows here.

I have to go do some shit. AKA this:

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