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Showing posts with label Drugstore Beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drugstore Beauty. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I'm Having Surgery And Going To Be On Bed Rest, Here's How I'm Preparing My Beauty Life


I have to have surgery on Thursday. But before you start a massive (or tiny) kickstarter to fund a parade in my loving memory, know that I should be fine. It's going to take me a few weeks to recover, but please save your carnation get well bouquets for someone more deserving.

It turns out that I have a GIANT (like, 4.5 inch) ovarian cyst growing inside my body. I took a picture of it, but I don't know how delicate your sensibilities are, so if you like to peep weird, gross shit, you can check it out here. I know you don't know the normal state of my abdominal area, but that ain't it. It's pretty much like I shoved a grapefruit into my belly through osmosis. Or some other kind of science that I clearly don't understand.

I've known that I have this surgery coming up for a week or so, so I've been trying to prep myself for being laid up for a while and not being able to do my usual beauty nonsense. I was already a big ol' dummy and painted my nails, thinking it would make me feel better. Then I remembered that you have to take all of your polish off before surgery to...check your oxygen levels? Monitor your nail beds? Evaluate your cuticle situation? Shit, I don't know.

So, I started focusing on things that I needed to get done to make myself less of a MF-ing horror show after this process. Looking (relatively) human is the end goal.

The Lazy Razor


I hate shaving my legs, and I rarely do it. It's just so time-consuming for something that I give zero to few shits about. But since professional strangers are going to be doing things to my unconscious body, I thought I might as well clean up all ye olde parts. 

And let me tell you a little something -- if I'm using a razor, the only one I want slice up my ankle bones with is the Schick Intuition Razor (especially this Pure Nourishment with Coconut Milk & Almond Oil one -- it's so moisturizing you'll want to hug it). It's a one-stop shop. You don't need freakin' shaving cream, gel, soap, shampoo, conditioner, or whatever the hell you use, and I've tried it all. It's the razor of my people -- the lazies.

Poppin' Bottles of (Dry) Shamps


I'm kind of anticipating not being able to wash my rug on the daily, and that's going to be rough for an oily mofo like myself. Luckily, I've been stockpiling some of my favorite dry shampoos to remedy this sure-to-be-tragic situation.

I've already mentioned my love for the cult classic Pssssst! Dry Shampoo. It's cheap, it smells good, and it's mild. If you're OILY oily, you'll probably need something stronger, but this is a good pick-me-up spritzer.

My newest cheap(ish) ride-or-die is Batiste Dry Shampoo. I got this one at Marshall's for $5.99, and I'm pretty, pretty into it. It banishes grossness a little more than the Pssssst!, so I like it for second day hair. And I'm anticipating third/fourth/fifth day hair up in this mother. HALP.

Anti-Pasty Legs


CVS Beauty Club was kind enough to send me a whole gaggle of new drugstore beauty stuff, and that included these spankin' new Jergens Natural Glow products. Because you KNOW that I'm in a deep and undying love with Jergens NG stuff, I was pretty jazzy jazzed. Also, my legs are so pale right now that they're weird and purple-y, so I'm all about getting tans on my legs and not on my face RN. You know, to look un-bedridden and whatnot.

I used the Jergens Natural Glow Color Primer In-Shower Scrub for pre-tan exfoliation, and it's pretty fantastic. I'm usually pretty staunchly "I Don't Want No Scrub" when it comes to self-tanner exfoliation, but I really liked this stuff. It has a light and non-annoying scent, and totally gets the job done. I couldn't find it to purchase online, so just check your local CVS if you want to give it a whirl. Or a scrub.

I then used the new Jergens Natural Glow Instant Sun Sunless Tanning Mousse, which is completely different from their standard NG lotions, in that it works instantly to deliver that bronzy good good. And this is a mousse, which I LOVE. They dry faster and are way easier to apply. I rubbed it on with bare hands, just to see how orange it made my palms. It was mid-level, so I would wear gloves, especially if you want to do your whole bod.


The final result is very natural and not-Lohan-esque, but also not crazy dark. So if you want something deeeeep, you might need to apply this stuff a couple of times.

The last product is the Jergens Natural Glow Tan Extender Daily Moisturizer. I haven't tried this yet, because I JUST rubbed my damn tan on, but I'll report back and let you know if it allows my laziness to grow leaps and bounds by extending my fake tan. It sounds promising.

Fancy-Ass Feet


My feet are a HOT ass mess, mostly because I haven't had a pedicure in years on years on years. So when I got this Micro-Pedi (also sent to me by CVS Beauty Club), I was like:


My feet are literally and figuratively rough, and I didn't want to be scratching myself up like I live in a sandpaper factory while I lie in my sickbed. N'thanks.

I didn't really know what to expect when I used this contraption. You use it on dry skin, but I did it over the bathtub, because I didn't know how much skin fallout (BRB vomiting) to expect. Let me just fill your beautiful brain with this: THIS THING IS AMAZING.

It's like a little baby sander for your feet. It doesn't hurt, and it really gets the Josie Grossies off. I was very impressed, and that is rare. I love this so much, I want to elementary school marry it.

That's it. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this shit. I'll catch you on the flip side, so in, like, a week or two. I'll keep you updated!





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Monday, December 22, 2014

Double-Duty Beauty: The 5 Product Face


I friggin' love using double-duty beauty products. Whenever you can use something for more than one purpose, that's a good-ass deal. So I decided to make a video using only five products, and using four of those things for two things...shit, that's confusing.

Just watch the video (if you want). It will all (kind of) make sense. I'm also posting all of the products that I used below the video, just in case you're in an anti-video jail, or at your Gam Gam's, or something, and can't watch.



Here are the details, for you non-watchers:


Product #1 -- Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation in Light 48 on my face. (Uhhh doy)
Product #2 -- Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Naked on my eyes and brows.
Product #3 -- Benefit Hoola Bronzer under my cheekbones, on hairline, and dusted across nose and jawline. Also on the crease of my lids.
Product #4 -- Makeup Academy Color Intense Lipstick in #258 Pansy is the ol' lips and also used as a cream blush.
Product #5 -- L'Oreal Voluminous Miss Manga Mascara in Blackest Black is used on a flat brush as a baby eyeliner and as a mascara, of course.

Do you have any double-duty makeup products? Tell me all the things.



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Monday, December 8, 2014

Bronzy Beauts: My Favorite Shimmery Neutral Shadows At Every Price



I love a bronze eye on basically every-damn-one. It's one of those pretty universally flattering shades, regardless of skin tone/hair/eye color/friggin' astrological sign/whatever. It's just a go-to deal for me -- if I find myself in one of those what-am-I-even-doing-with-a-face-today moods, I throw on a bronze-ish eyeshadow and move on to not caring about another topic.


Because I have really been on that bronze train for the long-haul, I've come across my fair share of great shadows. So here is a complete roundup of my favorites, with bonus picks, because I'm indecisive like woah.

The Super-Power (Susan) Powders


My pick for high-end shadow is probably the eyeshadow I use more than anything else on this silly ol' planet, and that is Smog from the OG Urban Decay Naked Palette ($54). You can also buy it solo ($18), if that tickles your fancy more specifically. The lighting on this picture is half-shitty, so just take my word for it when I tell you that Smog is bronze with a dash of olive. It's perfect, in my eyes. And on my eyes.

For a drugstore shadow, I've chosen the nameless bronze (it's the fourth one over on the top row) from the Maybelline The Nudes Palette ($10). The shade of this dude is very similar to Smog, and the texture is pretty solid. It's just a little less silky than some of the more expensive brands. For the price, I can totally live with it. I'm not THAT much of a princess. This is still good shit.

I also chose two runners-up for powder shadows, and it seems that both of these cats may or may not be discontinued.


Baroque from the Kat Von D True Romance Palette seems to be completely gone from the Sephora website (RIP), and the Revlon PhotoReady Graffiti shadows seem to be only available on Amazon. Well, a day late and a dollar short are kind of my life themes, so at least I'm consistent?

If you do seem to happen upon either of these shadows, they're both more of a "true bronze" than the other two. If that's a thing. 

 I Don't Think You're Ready For This Gel(y)


So, remember 3.6 seconds ago when everything was discontinued and I sucked? Apparently my selection for the best high-end gel shadow, the Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows, are also discontinued. MUFE sent me some of these gel shadow pencils a while back, AND I LOVE THEM. Looks like I'll be taking up hoarding.

Luckily, it looks like the Aqua Shadows have been replaced with the Aqua Matic ($21), and this Satiny Warm Brown shade looks really similar to the old-school #22E bronze baby. So I'm not THE WORST the worst. Just almost.

For a more affordable gel-ish option, I really can't get enough of ColourPop in Game Face ($5). It's the bronziest of the bronze, and has a liquid metal finish. It also costs less than a Venti large coffee from Starbucks. So pretty much "Gimme (Gimme) More" was written about these shadows. I need them all.

My honorable mention goes to Maybelline Color Tattoo in Bad to the Bronze ($6.99). This almost has more of a golden taupe hue, so it's a little cooler-toned. Color Tattoo shadows are really pretty badass, because they last FOREVER. Like, I had trouble washing the swatch off of my arm levels of forever. If you have trouble with your shadow lasting all day, this will change your damn life.

life-changing makeup moment
Okay, that's it. I've exhausted my bronze shadow files. If you have others that you think I need to try, let my ass know. I clearly can never have enough. And on that note...


BYE.




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Monday, October 27, 2014

My Favorite Nudes (Lipsticks, You Sickos!)


I feel like I've been a Never Nude lately. I've been sitting around, blabbing my big dumb mouth about nothing but bright/dark/bold/any other adjectives that mean non-natural-color lip products, and I've been completely neglecting all of the naked ladies of the world. And I actually love the naked ladies.

As much as I flaunt the hell out of crazy-color lipsticks, I'm actually more of a nudist lip type of chick on the daily. I've tried roughly 3.7 billion (lies) nude lips through the years, and I've accumulated a decent arsenal of the "your lips but better" mouth jackets in every kind of formulation, from matte to gloss. So, no matter your preference, I've got you, boo.

The Mattes


Let's start with the seriousness. Matte nudes pack the most color (non-color?) punch, but they're also the thickest and make your lips look the most like a wrinkle circus. I live my life not giving any shits, so that doesn't bother me, but I'm sure some mofos have feeling on this.

My favorite nude mattes are the NYX Soft Matte Lip Creams in Stockholm and London. Stockholm is more of a pinky nude, and London is more of a beige. They run about $6 each, so bonus points for not costing a bazillion doll hairs. (P.S. You can also mix the two of these together, and it's kind of a slice of perfect pie. In my eye. I can't even lie. *snaps for poetry*)

The Gloss


Maybe you hate matte lips. Maybe you're more of a shiny type. That's okay, I'm only slightly judging you silently. Like, three percent. It's fine. To keep it completely honest, I actually use this gloss the most out of anything I'm talking about today, because it's easy and I can put it on sans mirror.

Tarte LipSurgence Lip Gloss in Exposed is the perfect sheer pinkish nude gloss. It's also kind of minty, so if your lips are thirsty and parched, this will be your shit. I'm always thirsty and parched, so this is, in fact, my shit.

The Department Stores


I also have a couple higher-end nude favorites that fall into more of the more traditional lipstick variety. They really vary in color, too, so there's that.

The Clinique Chubby Stick Intense Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Curviest Caramel is pretty bomb. If I didn't think that the word "creamy" was gross as eff I would call it creamy. Because it's creamy. Creamy. It's also a deeper shade than most of the other products I've featured, so if you have a darker skin tone, this will be a damn dream on you, dream box.

MAC Lustre Lipstick in High Tea is my other department store homie. Side note -- I've had this lipstick for YEARS and until this very second I thought that the shade was called "Lustre." Nope. I am so dumb. Anyway, it's great and blah blah blah I love it. I need to go read all the Encyclopaedia Britannicas.

The Drugstores


Don't think that I forgot about my thrifty sisters. These drugstore babies are nothing to scoff at. Also, please don't scoff at things. It's rude. I'm slowly morphing into an Emily Post etiquette blog. Ha. No, I'm not. I SCOFF AT THAT.

In fact, the L'Oreal Colour Riche Colour Caresse Lipstick in Sheer Linen is probably my favorite color of all of these nude dudes, so take THAT expensive stuffs. And the texture is pretty sheer (uh, no doy) and moisturizing. It's well worth the dough.

In other L'Oreal news, L'Oreal Colour Riche Lipstick in Fairest Nude is no slouch, either. I like this lipstick because it almost has a tiny lilac flair. And it's not shimmery. It's kind of weird for a nude, which speaks to me as a weirdo.


Let's get nude! On our lips. I'm actually wearing pants. What are your favorite nude lips? TELL ME ABOUT ALL THE THINGS.




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Thursday, October 9, 2014

My Three Favorite Mascaras Right This Minute



I'm a pretty fickle sister when it comes to mascara. I rarely am all, "Damn, I love this mofo!" But, I currently feel that way about THREE mascaras. Don't slut-shame me.

Watch and let me know if you feel the same. Or other ones I need to try. I'm always open to adding more to my repertoire. (I'm wiggling my eyebrows in a creepy way right now.)




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Saturday, August 16, 2014

I Attempted Beauty Extreme Couponing And Kind Of Sucked (With Quick Product Reviews)


Sometimes I have high hopes for myself in life. These are rare bursts of positivity, but they do happen occasionally. Most recently, I decided that I could save shitloads of money on beauty products through couponing. (Yeah, I had just watching that gluttonous terror of a show Extreme Couponing, but whatever.)

So I ripped out a sad sack stack of coupons and went to CVS. They were having a buy one, get one half off sale on a lot of the cosmetics, so I thought I could save more that way. That's how you do these kinds of deals, right? Right???

Well, I effed up right off the bat.


I found the Sally Hansen Color Foil polish that I've been looking for for a couple months, and it was zero percent off with exactly zero coupons. It was $7.79, and I had to have it. I think that you can tell that I'm going to suck a big one at couponing. (Blatant foreshadowing alert.)

Before I move on to my other coupon happenings, let's talk about this polish. Basically, I wanted a unicorn, and I got a horse with wearing a party hat. Which is still cool and shit, just not slap-someone-across-the-face-with-white-satin-gloves-due-to-excitement cool. I really wanted this polish to be ridiculously shiny. Like, I could catch light and sear people's eyeballs with my nail beds, shiny. Maybe even do it to myself accidentally, then be forced to wear a badass eyepatch, like I've always wanted. That didn't happen. It's pretty much a touch shinier than the Revlon Top Speed Polish in Sterling.

But here's the bigger issue -- because the instructions tell you not to use a base or top coat, this shit is already scratched. And I painted my nails, like, three hours ago. But, it did dry really friggin' fast.

Don't get it twisted after all of my light-to-moderate bitching, I still like the polish, and will totally use it. Just don't expect to cry tears of joy when you see our wedding announcement in the New York Times. I probably won't even send it a Garfield valentine.


Now let's get back to the point of this whole freaking post. I DID actually end up using a couple coupons. I had a $1 off any Maybelline lip product, so I went with the Maybelline Sensational Lipcolor in  Deepest Cherry, which was $7.99 originally. After the coupon and $1.50 in Extra Care bucks I had, the final price came to $5.49. Meh. 


I was actually pleasantly surprised with the texture of this lipstick. It's creamy and moisturizing, but not feather-y, and it doesn't wear off in a weird and blotchy way, but the pigmentation is pretty mediocre. When I picked the shade, I was expecting a deep-ass wine-y/black cherry/(Ron) burgundy color, and when applied, it's more of a berry/raisin/sangria. I'm not mad at it, but, once again, I'm not filled with a burning lust. It's nice. It's fine. Whatever.

All of the Maybelline cosmetics were part of that whole buy one, get one half off sale that I was blathering on about earlier, so I still had to pick another product. I also had a $3 off any Maybelline Dream something-or-other product, so I grabbed the Maybelline Dream Bouncy Blush in Peach Satin, which had a retail price of $7.79. So, after the 50% off thing and the coupon, I paid $.89 for this mofo. Yay-ish!


I like this stuff. I'm not a cream blush connoisseur, due to my oily gross-assness, but this has more of a gel-like texture. It wears well, and didn't make my skin feel significantly more like a greasy bag o' french fries. The color choices are pretty, and it's easy to apply: just dab it on with one of your digits, and go fly a kite or something, I don't know your life. The biggest drawback is that, after using it just once, I feel like I have already used a lot of the product. The dome-y part is already indented, so it's not going to last a hella long time at this rate. Be warned, at al.

Here's the bottom line of my non-extreme couponing non-extravaganza -- I saved $9.40 and spent about $20 on a measly-ass three items. File that shit under "not impressive" in your filing cabinet, and lock it up tight. The sad thing is that I also had a couple of Rimmel coupons, but I only wanted some of those badass Kate Moss lipsticks, and those weren't included. I also had a L'Oreal coupon that I found crumpled up in the bottom of my purse when I got home. So, I clearly I'm the actual worst at trying to be fiscally responsible, and I won't be quitting my day job. If I had a real, adult-like, full-time day job. Iyanla, fix my damn life.




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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Drugstore Darlings: Let's Check Out The Maybelline The Nudes Palette

Gather around for a very important storytime, kids. There was once a lady that loved makeup a little too much for her own good. And sometimes when a person really, really wants to find a palette that they think they'll love on their eyeball lids, they will drive to eight friggin' different drugstores to find said palette. Especially when the palette seems super-affordable and dreamy. And when the lady was united with the palette, she was happy.


THE END. JK! That's just the beginning. And I'm a horrible storyteller. And it's probably slightly inappropriate to tell kids a story about anything called "The Nudes." Keep the youths away from me.


I was pretty damn excited about finally copping this palette. I actually got it for about $7, because Walgreens was having some sort of Maybelline sale. I can't be bothered with the details, because I was on a "GOTCHA B!" high, but I think it typically retails for $12-ish in drugstores.


Here's a close-up look at the shadows and swatches of all of the colors. The eyeshadows are almost evenly split between matte and shimmery finishes, which is a pretty bomb and refreshing find. AIN'T NOBODY THAT WANTS ALL SHIMMERY SHADOW PALETTES, COSMETIC COMPANIES. STOP THE INSANITY.

The matte colors (with the exception of the base/highlight shade) would also all be perfect doubling as brow powders, which is always a nice bonus.

I decided to do a mini head-to-head challenge pitting The Nudes against Urban Decay's OG Naked Palette. The color schemes are pretty similar, so I devoted one eyeball to each palette, and used my wee wee brain (and a camera) to document the differences. (Side note: Please ignore my scaly ass eyelid. I'm using a new skin treatment, and it wants my skin to be dry like whoa.)


I tried to pick similar colors in both palettes to create an as-close-to-identical eye as possible. The verdict? Crazy close, non?

There are a few major differences that I noticed between the two palettes. The spendy ass UD shadows are a lot softer and more blend-y, but almost to a fault. As you can see on the UD lid, the shadows almost blend together a little TOO well, if you know what I'm sayin'. On the other hand, the Maybelline shadows are pretty chalky in texture, but the colors almost seem richer than their more expensive comrades. (The exception were with the lighter/highlighting shades. Those weren't very vibrant. At all.)

Bottom line -- I'm not going to blow smoke up ye olde bung-hole and say, "OWROWIQRJF IT'S JUST LIKE A ONE BILLION DOLLAR PALETTE! WHEEEE!" But, it's really damn great for drugstore eyeshadows. And in some ways it's even better. It's definitely worth them handful of bones, for serious.


So now you can feel free to spend your cash flow on country clubs, strip clubs, or wherever you want, ya' freak bitch!



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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Drugstore Beauty Haul (With A Dash Of Sephora)



I kind of bought a lot of shit last week, so I decided to make a haul video, even though I kind of hate them. So here's nine minutes of your time that you'll never get back, but check it out if you want to see all of the craps that I bought. If not, that's cool.


I guess...I guess I'll just see you around, then.



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Friday, June 13, 2014

Hitting Up Some Revlon Newbies: Bold Lacquer Mascara and Colorstay Moisture Stain

I was in CVS yesterday, buying Father's Day cards about four days too late and armpit razors. (I buy cheap razors that I use exclusively for pit shaving times, because I don't want my spendy shit to get all dulled up with deodorant and junk.) While I was there I, of course, had to peruse the beauty section and see if there were any treasures that I just couldn't live without.

I've really been interested in trying the new Revlon Bold Lacquer Mascara, and all Revlon products were buy one, get one 50% off like woah, so I grabbed one. I decided to go for Blackest Black, because what I am, an infant?

CVS, $7.99
Here's the deal with this mascara: it reportedly adds both length and volume to your lashes, and it seems to get that job done. It's not as volume-inducing as my homie L'Oreal Voluminous mascara, but it's a lot more defining. This baby is not clumpy at all, so if you're firmly in the "I FRIGGIN' HATE CLUMPS SO MUCH" camp, you'll love this. This is not a crazy, fake-looking lashes kind of party, but it's very nice.


Because it was a BOGO(ish) deal going on, I had to pick up another product to try. I chose the Colorstay Moisture Stain in LA Exclusive, because it was pink and pretty and I love the packaging.

CVS, $9.99
This product is different than any other lip deal I've used before. The texture is really, really similar to a long-wear matte liquid lipstick, but it's moisturizing and gloss-like. It was kind of weird for me at first, and takes a little getting used to, but I like the look of the gloss a lot.


Plus, after the gloss wears off (or you blot it) you're left with a bit of color, like a lip stain. It's probably even more bold if you choose a darker shade. I like it, and I really would like to try some of the other colors in this formula.


 So I might have to go hit up that almost BOGO CVS sale. Just one more time.


I have a problem.


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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Drugstore Beauty: A Sassy Ass Spring Refresher For Just $20

It's officially Spring, you guys. So that means it's time to get our beauty shit so fresh and so clean, clean. But mostly just fresh.


With seasonal changes, I usually like to get some of that new new to spruce up my makeup flair, but due to broke ass-inducing circumstances like having to pay boring taxes and one of my dogs having to have double knee surgery, that cash flow game is pretty damn tight. So I decided to try to keep it affordable and spend $20 at the drugstore, just to find a few key things to help Stella get her groove back on the cheap.


This is seriously the state of one of my local drugstore beauty aisles. Was there a zombie apocalypse involving shitloads of liquid eyeliner and I was completely unaware? And if you wanted to buy a mascara here, you had to go get a clerk to unlock a anti-theft deal to get to it. Is mascara now pots o' gold? Am I unwittingly living on Riker's Island? Too much, drugstore. Too much. Regardless of what kind of effery was going on, as you can see I effectively spent my twenty dollars. Plus a couple of extra dollars. Whatever. I'm no Suze Orman. Here's what I ending up getting:

sally hansen pacific blue

The one thing that I knew I wanted to get this Spring was an orange-y hued lipstick. Every beauty publication in the universe (seriously, google it) is saying that this is THE COLOR YOU MUST HAVE ON YOUR LIPS OR YOU'LL DIE OR SOMETHING, so who am I to buck the system? I also knew I wanted to get something matte, because that's my deal, so I was delighted to find the bright orange (with a touch of red) NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick. It's a damn dream.

Because I wanted to keep the focus on that bangin' ass lip color, I wanted to keep the rest of my face as neutral as Switzerland (or Sweden if you're Jessica Alba). I've been dying to try the Maybelline Color Tattoo Dare to Go Nude Collection, so I settled on Sleek & Spice, which is a taupe with a dab of metallics. This isn't my first go-round with Color Tattoo shadows. I really love them because they're a gel-like texture, but DO NOT CREASE like a pair of linen pants at a Southern wedding. They're great. And you can layer them with powder shadows. Get on this train.

I next found the adorable cobalt blue turban/headband thing, and my day was made. I have roughly two billion of these because they cover a multitude of unfortunate circumstances, like my huge forehead and dirty hair. I hoard these things. I'm kind of like Brett Michaels and his bandanas about it.

Once I got that little guy, I was kind of on the blue kick, even though I am not a matcher in any part of my life. Either way, I fell in love with, not a stripper, but this Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Pacific Blue polish. It's GD lovely. Bonus: I only used one coat and it was completely opaque. Yay for lazy enabling!

Here's the finished product of my Spring-y reboot.

sally hansen pacific blue

I'm super happy with how I spent my twenty spot. I would have probably just spent it on brokedown mall gumball machines anyway. What are you guys craving for Springtime beauty stuffs? Tell me what else I can buy.




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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Best Beauty Unicorns You Could Possibly Buy For Under $13

Thirteen is a random ass number to choose, I'm super aware. I wanted to try to keep this sh*t under $10, but there are some products that I really wanted to include, and they were a teensy bit over the ten spot mark. Get off my jock; I do what I want.

The Best Products to Get Those Peepers Poppin' Off Like Champagne Bottles.


You guys will have non mf-ing factor levels of surprise when I tell you that Maybelline Expert Eyes Twin Brow & Eye Pencils in Blonde (drugstore.com, $2.99 for two pack) is my number one pick. I literally talk about these things all the time. People are like, "Hey Sex, what time is it?" And I'm all, "You really should try these Maybelline brow pencils, then your brows will always be on time." ZING! (With bonus points for a light Ashanti/Ja Rule reference.)


I recommend blonde to every-damn-body, regardless of hair color, then darkening up with eyeshadow or brow powder if necessary. The only exception are m'ladies with darker skin tones. Opt for one of the slightly darker pencils in that case.

Runner Up: I am creeper-levels into the new L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Butterfly Mascara (Target, $7.99). It's like my old school homegirl L'Oreal Voluminous on 'roids. Try it. It's the sauciest minx.

Bonus Bonus: Jesus take the wheel, I can't stop telling you about eye stuffs. I have to mention the SEPHORA COLLECTION Waterproof Smoky Cream Liner (Sephora, $12), or I would be the queen of the b-words and a total liar face. This is the PERFECT formula for that annoying ass waterline lining, and the price is right, beyotch.

Skin as Smooth as Silk in This Mean Mug.
 

There are few things that I love more than a sumptuous ass body oil that doesn't smell like an infant, and SheaMoisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Bath, Body & Massage Oil (Target, $10.29) beyond fits the bill. It's really, really moisturizing and smells like a freshly-bathed hippie.


That's one of the positives of this stuff, just in case it was unclear.

Runner Up: If I need even MORE moisture on my skin organ (bleh), I always use Palmer's Cocoa Butter (CVS, $6.29). ALWAYS. It's like butter in a bottle that smells vaguely chocolatey. Like you've been frolicking along the Willy Wonka chocolate river, and somehow your skin has been replaced by the velvet from Violet's dress.

The BEST Bad B Nail Polish.


If you are ever feeling slightly blah-like, Floss Gloss in Stun (Floss Gloss, $8) on your finger guns is the cure. It's like a disco ball got it on with the yellow brick road. There is not a better glitter polish in this galaxy. Trust.

Runner Up: Whenever I'm feeling like Lil' Kim circa 1997 and I need my fingernails to match my mood, I get all up on Wicked from Essie (Essie, $8.50). It's a really deep and dark burgundy that gives zero effs about anything. For badasses only.

Give Yourself a Clean Slate.


Just in case you didn't get the latest newsletter from Lazies News of The World, I'm crazy lazy. Because of this character weakness, I really love to use Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water (Sephora, $13) to clean up the mess that is my day's makeup after it's curtains on the day. This stuff is insanely gentle on your skin and causes exactly 0.0000 irritation. It's for the times I can't really be held responsible for actually washing my face like an actual adult.


Runner Up: When it comes to cleansing face wipes, I'm really about that Burt's Bees Facial Cleansing Towelettes with White Tea Extract (Drugstore.com, $4.49) life. They get the job done while being gentle as baby cherub wing kisses.

Getting a Whole Lotta Lip Service.


If bold and beautiful lips are your goal in life, then CoverGirl Lip Perfection Lipstick in Spellbound (Drugstore.com, $7.49) needs to get in your makeup bag, STAT. It's the kind of lip color that people will stop you mid-brunched out mimosa sip and ask you where the hell you got that lipstick.

Runner Up: Looking for the lip equivalent of a hot pair of nude heels? Then you really need to get on the L'Oreal Colour Riche in Sheer Linen (Target, $7.99) bandwagon. (Surely, one exists.) It's moisturizing as eff, while giving you that whole "your lips, but better" deal.

Now go enjoy getting your beauty on for the cheapness, and save that change in your pocket for more wine times.





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