Showing posts with label Cheapness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cheapness. Show all posts

Monday, April 18, 2016

ColourPop VS NYX: Battle Of The Bargain Brows



Being on a makeup budget can be a real rude bitch.  

I will eat some Top Ramen like a Mike Tyson-level champ, but I refuse to walk around with brows that are less than bangin'. In a perfect world, I'd be swimming in women and Brow Wiz pencils, but that's just fiscally irresponsible for my low-rent lifestyle. Dreaming may be free, but Anastasia products sure as shit aren't, so I need cheaper options.

Luckily, there are some brow pencils under $10 (!!!) that will give that MF-ing high-dollar angel of a Brow Wiz a run for her money.  Let's explore two contenders: the ColourPop Brow Pencil and the NYX Micro Brow Pencil.


NYX Micro Brow Pencil in "Taupe" (Ulta, $9.99) has been a recent ride-or-die for me. It's SUPER similar to the Brow Wiz "Taupe" in color, size, and texture. It's also has similar cons, in that I can run through one of these puppies in a month-ish. But at less than half the cost, I can still live worth living. Kind of.

I've compared both of the guys we're discussing with a basic-ass pen so you can get an idea of the size of the brow stroke happenings. The NYX is a little thinner, and both have spoolies on the opposite end of the pencil. The NYX product is retractable, and the ColourPop isn't. Womp womp.


ColourPop is pretty new to the brow game, and as a giant GD ColourPop stan, I was dying to try some of their brow offerings. Especially for $5.

Sadly, I'm not loving this pencil. My first issue is that "Dope Taupe" isn't really taupe-y. It's more medium brown-y. It's a warmer tone and darker than I ever really want in an eyebrow pencil. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS


But my biggest issue with the CP pencil is its texture. It's a little too creamy for my tastes (BRB vomiting), so its lasting power is diminished, like my willpower around an open bag of Ruffles chips. Those friggin' salty ridges, man. It's also a tad thicker (heh), so application is a little harder to control.

I will say that a lot of this shit is just personal preference, so I'm giving you just the facts, ma'am (or sir). ColourPop IS half the price, so file that away in your gorgeous little filofax of a brain as you wish. (Full disclosure -- I'm not really sure what a filofax is, but I feel like all of the 9 to 5 bad bitches had one and I'm trying to be cool.)


For my pennies, I'm going with the NYX pencil. I'd rather give up my chips. (That is a lie.)








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Tuesday, November 10, 2015

10 Bad B*tch Beauty Products Under $10


I LOVE some cheap-ass-ness, but only if it's good cheap-ass-ness. No one is into a crappy beauty product, whether it costs two cents or two billion cents. Sorry for 2004.

With this in mind, I put together a list of some of my favorite stuff I haven't necessarily beaten you over the head with (AKA my Maybelline Brow Pencils in Blonde), and that all cost less than one thousand pennies.

1. L'Oreal Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme 



I did a post on L'Oreal Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme as one of my first acts of blogging a million years ago, and I'm still on its jock. Full disclosure -- the price of this (with a Sally's card) is $10.29, but C'MON.




It's basically ten bucks.

I have never used a more moisturizing conditioner than this mutha. And it smells like a damn fruit-bearing flower, in the best and most fragrant way. AND it makes your hair shimmer and shine like a brand new Crystal Pepsi. Refreshing.


2. ColourPop Lippie Stix



ColourPop Lippie Stix are one of those products that (along with 99% of other life things) I don't really understand. "Bichette," the red beauty reclined like a Degas lady in front, is one of my favorite lipsticks on this planet and it costs FIVE MF-ing DOLLARS. FIVE. How is this real? And, also, how long do house flies live? 

See, there are a lot of things I don't understand, but mostly how these lipsticks are $5. And how gravity works.


3. Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara



I used to be pretty snobby about mascara, especially when it came to Maybelline. I was like, "Great Lash? More like No Thanks Lash." (I'm really great at word play.) That was until I tried Maybelline Lash Sensational and fell the eff in love. 

I've gone through two tubes of this magical, inky goodness that somehow lengthens and really brings the volume heat, and loved every minute. I recently branched out and tried a new mascara, because that's kind of what I'm supposed to be doing here, and it's FINE, but I miss this stuff. A lot. I'm going back. That is all.


4. Ardell Demi Wispies Lashes



Don't judge the grossness of the lashes above. I've used them ten to twenty times and haven't thrown them out, because I'm a cheap-ass scrub.

These might just be my favorite lashes, and that you can get four friggin' sets for $9.99 from Ulta might be a large part of my infatuation with them. I also like that you don't have to treat them like a delicate princess of a flower -- you can do dumb shit like put mascara on over them -- unlike the expensive and ethically-shed mink bitches I also own. I just always seem to come back to these. They're easy, cheap, and don't have the constitution of a Victorian lady. And if these things go sideways (literally or figuratively) YOU CAN THROW THEM OUT.


5. L'Oreal Brow Stylist Plumper



I bought this L'Oreal Brow Stylist Plumper in Medium to Dark without even knowing what it was all about. I was really just curious about it, and also have a strong desire to hold all of the world's brow products in my wine-stained paws.

It apparently has tiny fibers in it to mimic brow hairs or some shit. I don't know what the hell is going on in that tube, but I'm into it. It's like a non-crunchy tinted brow gel that also makes your brows look a little thicker. Please reference above, where I don't understand how these things work.


6. Batiste Dry Shampoo



My scalp oil knows no limits. It could be an alternate energy source.

Having a dry shampoo on hand every-friggin-second is a necessity, and Batiste Dry Shampoo (in a million varieties) is the only one I really care to have. It doesn't smell horrible, actually works, and doesn't leave a crime scene of powder all over your hair and scalp. This is that shit. Get it.



7. Floss Gloss Polish



Floss Gloss Nail Lacquers are hands down (har har) my favorite nail polishes. The colors are dope and they don't have the bad shit in them. I've never met a FG polish that I wasn't completely obsessed with.

I'm going to be featuring one of their newer shades (it's in the pic above and I LOVE IT and I bet you can guess which one) in a video on my current favorite stuff, which will probably be filmed in 2056 because I'm reliable.


8. Palmer's Cocoa Butter



I recently told the tale of how I first fell in love with Palmer's Cocoa Butter almost twenty years ago. It's an ongoing and devoted saga, because it's still my ride-or-die choice when it comes to moisturizing.

And my newest cocoa-scented discovery is that Palmers with SPF is even better. It smells even more chocolate-y, while allowing my vampiric tendencies to flourish. I'm basically Count Chocula.


9. Not Your Mother's Dry Finish Texture Spray



Although this texture spray is not my FAVORITE favorite, that's reserved for Bumble and bumble Dryspun Finish, this is by far my favorite drugstore hair score. My friend Shauna (who has fantastic hair) told me I had to try this, and she was not lying. This stuff is good. Just don't get too loosey goosey with the spray job -- too much will give you cotton candy hair.


10. NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream



NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream is straight-up fantastic. "London," the homie up front, is my go-to for all of my nude lip needs. It's beige-y and not orange. The formula is matte without being drying and crinkly. It's everything I want in life.

I got a Facebook message from someone a couple months ago that was like, "HELP, I'M AT TARGET AND I NEED A GREAT CHEAP LIPSTICK ALSKDJFLKAJF." And I was all, "This shit right here."And that's how it always goes. I'll tell random shoppers, too. I'm annoying.

And there are all of my secret (and not so secret) cheap-ish favorites. I am spent, but my money ain't.










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Friday, May 8, 2015

Drugstore Darlings: Let's Chickity-Check Out NYC Expert Last Lip Color Matte


I love to be a cheap-ass whenever possible. Don't get me wrong, I'll spend that dough when necessary, but I love few things more than finding a pretty bomb drugstore beauty product. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S UNDER TWO FRIGGIN' DOLLARS, MAN.

So, when I got an email about these new NYC Expert Last Lip Color Matte deals, I begged them to send me a few and see what they were all about. BECAUSE I SAID UNDER TWO DOLLARS, YA FREAKS. This is quite exciting.

Quick note -- I apologize right of the bat that my arm swatch is not matched up with the lipstick tube lineup. It's annoying. Whaddadick. To make up for it, I offer this to you as a condolence:


I think it's a pretty fair trade.

Now, let's get on with the lipstick talk.


Here are the colors I received, applied on an acutal human mug. I really liked all of the shades quite a bit. I was a tad unsure on the mauve, maybe because my brain cells are opposed to the word mauve (thanks, 1992), but after seeing it in the picture, I actually like the pastel-iness of it.

This is a long-wear lipstick, and the formula is touted as a matte satin. Or maybe a satin matte. This is the one dispute I have with this guy. It's not matte. It's satin. Which is absolutely fine in my book of things that are fine, but it needs to be noted.

As far as the long-wear thing goes, it wears very nicely, and for a long time. It didn't feather or bleed at all. It's just not one of those eat/drink/makeout with a basketball team/smoke strawberry hookahs, and it won't come off, kind of long wears. It comes off on whatever you put your mouth upon (heh), but you're still left with plenty of lipstick. Just ask my swatched forearm.

Overall, if you're in need of a Pretty Ricky pretty lippie for UNDER TWO DAMN DOLLARS (okay, I guess you get it), with a satiny finish that wears like a dream, this baby is for you.

This is also for you.



Don't act like it's not. He like, "Look at me, I'm a big, dumb hooman thing."





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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

My Favorite Dry Hair Treatment Is Cheap As Hell

I recently bought a semi-expensive-ass hair mask/treatment/thing (don't worry, I'll tell you all about it if it's magical), but I don't even know why the f I'm playing with my own money. My favorite hair treatment costs a few dollars. Also, you can eat it.

Don't start sending me cases of those "crazy pills" you can buy from Spencer's yet, I'm not scooping out handfuls of Herbal Essence and ramming it into my pie hole, or anything. But while you're at the mall, make sure you pop a couple bottles of Sun Ripened Raspberry body spray from Bath and Body Works for old time's sake. Pour out a little for your homie Teddy Ruxspin, and shit. Maybe even for cassette tapes, while you're at it.

What am I even talking about?

Olive oil -- I'm talking about GD olive oil as a treatment for dry-as-hell hair. Actually, send my those pills. I think I need them.

Here's how to get moisturized, shiny hair from your kitchen cabinet:


Just get whatever-the-hell olive oil you feel like using or have on hand. You don't have to use my bougie-ass organic stuff, it just has to be made from squished-up olives.

Then, if you have long hair, make a ponytail with your ol' thirsty hair at the crown of your head. I do this to avoid getting oil on my scalp, and making the oily mess of my roots even worse. This way you can target the dry ends of your mop really easily, and it saves a ton of time. (LAZIES 4LYFE.)

Next, start applying the oil. I start with a half-handful-ish amount and go from there. How much you'll need depends on the length/texture/whatever, you've been through this shit, of your hair. Use the amount that gets it nice and saturated and feels appropriate. You know how you do.


After you've reached the level of oiliness that you feel comfortable with, put your hair in a bun and let it marinate like a sexy chicken breast. (Do you marinate stuff in olive oil? How am I an adult?)

I let it do it's damn thing for at least 30 minutes. If you want, you can go longer, you can put it in a shower cap, you can add heat to help it penetrate (heh). Put it in a Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet for all I care, just let it sit for at least 30 minutes to work its magic.

After at least one Judy Judge episode, finish by shampooing and conditioning like you would on a regular day. You don't have to skip conditioner or your normal styling shit, you do your thing.

Here are the ultimate results:


Listen, this is as glossy and hydrated as my sad-sack, abused strands get. I have insanely hard water and have bleached/dyed my hair to hell and back, so this is the equivalent of a Rapunzel wig sprouting out of my head.


Not to mention, you probably already have olive oil in your kitchen. You really should, so you can make yourself a celebratory Caprese salad, or some shit, afterward.

Huzzah!




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Friday, February 20, 2015

Beauty Battle: High-End vs Drugstore Brow Pencil


You know that my life's quest is to find the very best eyebrow products and present them to you in an unfortunately-worded and photographed manner. That, and to eat as many Mother's Circus Animal Cookies as humanly possible without passing on. It's a real journey. Like Eat, Pray, Love, but slightly less annoying.

I come to you today with a tale as old as time...


You find a really MF-ing delightful beauty product, but is it REALLY really worth it? And how does it compare to a way cheaper, but still boss-ass, similar product?

Let us explore. WHEEEEE!

The High-End Homie

anastasia beverly hills brow wiz in taupe (sephora, $21)

Pros:
  • It's super-precise. Like almost too precise? (If that were a thing.)
  • The color is perfectly ashy, so you will never have weird-ass orange eyebrows. Even Carrot Top doesn't want orange eyebrows.
  • It has a spoolie on the end for blending, which actually comes in handy.
  • The pencil is twist-up (automatic? I don't know, whatever). I'm a lazy, so this is big for me. I hate sharpening shit. I also hate pencil shavings. It's like #432 on my list of things that I hate. Not as high as finding a stranger's fingernail on a public table, but it's on there.
Cons:
  • Boo boo is expensive. $21 for a brow pencil is pretty GD spendy, man.
  • It doesn't last very long. I bought this three months ago, and have used 115% (Maury percentages) of it. I expected more from a brow pencil that costs over 20 dollars, but that's what I get for expecting things in life.
The Drugstore Darling

maybelline twin brow pencils in blonde (drugstore.com, $2.39)

Pros:
  • THESE ARE CHEAP AS HELL. I bought mine from Walgreen's, the world's most expensive retailer, and got them for about $4.00. Plus, they were buy one, get one half off, so I got four pencils for about six bucks.
  • They have great staying power. The package claims that these puppies are waterproof, but let's not be ridiculous. Remember the expectations thing?
  • The color is like a 8.967 out of ten on the "looks pretty damn natural" scale.
  • You can find them almost anywhere, so you won't have to make a special trip. Lazy.
Cons:
  • You have to sharpen them, like it's the 1800's and shit. Lazy. Who am I, Laura Ingalls Wilder?
  • The tip (heh) isn't as precise.

The conclusion? I have to give it to the Maybelline pencil. The color isn't as perfect as the Anastasia, but I can live with the fraction of a difference for a fraction of the price.

Not to mention, the Anastasia pencil is 0.003 oz of product, while each pencil of the Maybelline is 0.03 oz. And you get two pencils per pack. You do the math. (No, seriously, I don't know what the math is on that, but it's pretty f-ing significant.)

Viva la cheapness!


Get your ass to the drugstore, bb.



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Monday, February 2, 2015

I Woke Up Like This: A Story Of Magically Voluminous Hair


Please disregard just about everything about this picture of me: from the cornucopia of tangles that I neglected to brush, to that zero makeup face, to a hint of a double chin -- there's a lot to take in. Man, I need to get better so I can at least walk, or something. But forget all of that -- check out the hair volume that I woke up to this morn! (Or, kind of afternoon. Life is a journey.)

via buzzfeed
I have not been shy about my flat, thin, sad sack hair probs. This shit is typically limp (heh) as hell, and I'm always fighting the good fight against it.

So while I've been in my post-surgical haze, I've been experimenting with different hair products to see if I could pump up the jam a little in this b. Plus, there are many a drugstore in a close proximity to my house of illness, and I've been using them as my "let's see how much I can move about today" testing sites. And buying a bunch of drugstore beauty shit kind of goes hand-in-hand with those outings. Uhhh doy.

Magically, one of my combos actually really worked! Here's my routine from yesterday that led to my semi-accidental overnight volume situation. And there were zero Lucky Charms involved. Or rabbits' feet.


Step one of this journey involved this Thicker Fuller Hair Shampoo. It's a clear shampoo that smells like soapy plants. (You know how those unisex hair products do.) It has caffeine in it, which supposedly makes your hair stand up, or something. You know, science-y shit. I don't really know the deal, but something wondrous happened.

I used it only on my roots, because I didn't want to dry out my already thirsty-ass ends. On the rest of my hair I used Macadamia Oil Flawless, which is a cleansing conditioner that I ADORE, and found for a friggin' steal at Marshall's for $14.99. Get out there, fellow cheap mofos. There's good good to be had.


When I got out of the shower I used this Fekkai Full Volume Mousse on my roots. I've been using Sally Hershberger's Supreme Lift Root Spray, which I adore, but I'm about to run out, so I thought I would give something new a whirl. I also found this at Marshall's for $9.99 (!!!), but it looks like it's discontinued, so I'll just go start researching hair transplants now, because I give the eff up.

This stuff is pretty boss. It gives great volume, while keeping hair shiny, which is a rarity in the volumizing product world. I'm usually kind of anti-mousse, but I'll totally let this one slide right into the regular hair stuffs rotation. That's really saying something. Except for the whole "discontinued" thing. There's also the whole "my life sucks" thing.


The next couple of things have nothing to do with volume, but I used it on my rug, so I feel obligated to mention them. I've already told you about L'Oreal Professional Mythic Oil, and I'm still toot-tooting along on that silky train. It's light and extremely moisturizing, and I want to bathe in it. With a loofah.

A new hair spritzer for me is this Not Your Mother's Way to Grow Leave-In Conditioner, which is pretty much a detangling leave-in conditioner with some extra grow-y stuff in it. I can't really speak (type???) to the hair-growing part, because I've only used it twice, but it makes your hair feel soft like woah. And it smells pretty delicious. So that's something.


Now play on, playa with your big-ass hair. You're welcome, my fellow flat-haired friend.







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Saturday, August 16, 2014

I Attempted Beauty Extreme Couponing And Kind Of Sucked (With Quick Product Reviews)


Sometimes I have high hopes for myself in life. These are rare bursts of positivity, but they do happen occasionally. Most recently, I decided that I could save shitloads of money on beauty products through couponing. (Yeah, I had just watching that gluttonous terror of a show Extreme Couponing, but whatever.)

So I ripped out a sad sack stack of coupons and went to CVS. They were having a buy one, get one half off sale on a lot of the cosmetics, so I thought I could save more that way. That's how you do these kinds of deals, right? Right???

Well, I effed up right off the bat.


I found the Sally Hansen Color Foil polish that I've been looking for for a couple months, and it was zero percent off with exactly zero coupons. It was $7.79, and I had to have it. I think that you can tell that I'm going to suck a big one at couponing. (Blatant foreshadowing alert.)

Before I move on to my other coupon happenings, let's talk about this polish. Basically, I wanted a unicorn, and I got a horse with wearing a party hat. Which is still cool and shit, just not slap-someone-across-the-face-with-white-satin-gloves-due-to-excitement cool. I really wanted this polish to be ridiculously shiny. Like, I could catch light and sear people's eyeballs with my nail beds, shiny. Maybe even do it to myself accidentally, then be forced to wear a badass eyepatch, like I've always wanted. That didn't happen. It's pretty much a touch shinier than the Revlon Top Speed Polish in Sterling.

But here's the bigger issue -- because the instructions tell you not to use a base or top coat, this shit is already scratched. And I painted my nails, like, three hours ago. But, it did dry really friggin' fast.

Don't get it twisted after all of my light-to-moderate bitching, I still like the polish, and will totally use it. Just don't expect to cry tears of joy when you see our wedding announcement in the New York Times. I probably won't even send it a Garfield valentine.


Now let's get back to the point of this whole freaking post. I DID actually end up using a couple coupons. I had a $1 off any Maybelline lip product, so I went with the Maybelline Sensational Lipcolor in  Deepest Cherry, which was $7.99 originally. After the coupon and $1.50 in Extra Care bucks I had, the final price came to $5.49. Meh. 


I was actually pleasantly surprised with the texture of this lipstick. It's creamy and moisturizing, but not feather-y, and it doesn't wear off in a weird and blotchy way, but the pigmentation is pretty mediocre. When I picked the shade, I was expecting a deep-ass wine-y/black cherry/(Ron) burgundy color, and when applied, it's more of a berry/raisin/sangria. I'm not mad at it, but, once again, I'm not filled with a burning lust. It's nice. It's fine. Whatever.

All of the Maybelline cosmetics were part of that whole buy one, get one half off sale that I was blathering on about earlier, so I still had to pick another product. I also had a $3 off any Maybelline Dream something-or-other product, so I grabbed the Maybelline Dream Bouncy Blush in Peach Satin, which had a retail price of $7.79. So, after the 50% off thing and the coupon, I paid $.89 for this mofo. Yay-ish!


I like this stuff. I'm not a cream blush connoisseur, due to my oily gross-assness, but this has more of a gel-like texture. It wears well, and didn't make my skin feel significantly more like a greasy bag o' french fries. The color choices are pretty, and it's easy to apply: just dab it on with one of your digits, and go fly a kite or something, I don't know your life. The biggest drawback is that, after using it just once, I feel like I have already used a lot of the product. The dome-y part is already indented, so it's not going to last a hella long time at this rate. Be warned, at al.

Here's the bottom line of my non-extreme couponing non-extravaganza -- I saved $9.40 and spent about $20 on a measly-ass three items. File that shit under "not impressive" in your filing cabinet, and lock it up tight. The sad thing is that I also had a couple of Rimmel coupons, but I only wanted some of those badass Kate Moss lipsticks, and those weren't included. I also had a L'Oreal coupon that I found crumpled up in the bottom of my purse when I got home. So, I clearly I'm the actual worst at trying to be fiscally responsible, and I won't be quitting my day job. If I had a real, adult-like, full-time day job. Iyanla, fix my damn life.




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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Drugstore Darlings: Let's Check Out The Maybelline The Nudes Palette

Gather around for a very important storytime, kids. There was once a lady that loved makeup a little too much for her own good. And sometimes when a person really, really wants to find a palette that they think they'll love on their eyeball lids, they will drive to eight friggin' different drugstores to find said palette. Especially when the palette seems super-affordable and dreamy. And when the lady was united with the palette, she was happy.


THE END. JK! That's just the beginning. And I'm a horrible storyteller. And it's probably slightly inappropriate to tell kids a story about anything called "The Nudes." Keep the youths away from me.


I was pretty damn excited about finally copping this palette. I actually got it for about $7, because Walgreens was having some sort of Maybelline sale. I can't be bothered with the details, because I was on a "GOTCHA B!" high, but I think it typically retails for $12-ish in drugstores.


Here's a close-up look at the shadows and swatches of all of the colors. The eyeshadows are almost evenly split between matte and shimmery finishes, which is a pretty bomb and refreshing find. AIN'T NOBODY THAT WANTS ALL SHIMMERY SHADOW PALETTES, COSMETIC COMPANIES. STOP THE INSANITY.

The matte colors (with the exception of the base/highlight shade) would also all be perfect doubling as brow powders, which is always a nice bonus.

I decided to do a mini head-to-head challenge pitting The Nudes against Urban Decay's OG Naked Palette. The color schemes are pretty similar, so I devoted one eyeball to each palette, and used my wee wee brain (and a camera) to document the differences. (Side note: Please ignore my scaly ass eyelid. I'm using a new skin treatment, and it wants my skin to be dry like whoa.)


I tried to pick similar colors in both palettes to create an as-close-to-identical eye as possible. The verdict? Crazy close, non?

There are a few major differences that I noticed between the two palettes. The spendy ass UD shadows are a lot softer and more blend-y, but almost to a fault. As you can see on the UD lid, the shadows almost blend together a little TOO well, if you know what I'm sayin'. On the other hand, the Maybelline shadows are pretty chalky in texture, but the colors almost seem richer than their more expensive comrades. (The exception were with the lighter/highlighting shades. Those weren't very vibrant. At all.)

Bottom line -- I'm not going to blow smoke up ye olde bung-hole and say, "OWROWIQRJF IT'S JUST LIKE A ONE BILLION DOLLAR PALETTE! WHEEEE!" But, it's really damn great for drugstore eyeshadows. And in some ways it's even better. It's definitely worth them handful of bones, for serious.


So now you can feel free to spend your cash flow on country clubs, strip clubs, or wherever you want, ya' freak bitch!



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Monday, July 21, 2014

Hey, Oily Faces: A Ranking Of The Best Non-Traditional Blotting Devices

It's hot as all get out in this b, as I'm sure you've noticed. This is not only spawning a 'pit stain epidemic, but it's also creating widespead cases of shiny faces. Wow, that was really the Dr. Seuss of oily skin sentences. I'm pretty sure my brain is even greasy at this point.


Because the oil times are high, you might find yourself caught completely sans blotting papers while shining bright like an oily ass diamond. If you happen to catch yourself in these dire straits, don't stress. I have compiled a list of the top five household blotting devices that you can use in any slick pinch.

 #5: Paper towels


Pro: It (kind of) absorbs the gross shit.
Con: It (kind of) tries to rip your friggin' skin from your skull slightly.

This is not your best option, but it's better than using either sandpaper or butter. Or buttery sandpaper. 

#4: Copy paper


Pro: It's surprisingly smooth on the mug skin, considering that you're basically blotting with a used TPS Report.
Con: The actual blotting power is pretty, pretty low.

This will rid you of the very worst parts of your shine, but don't get your hopes up too high for matte skin. They'll be Stacey Dash-ed.

#3: Toilet paper


Pro: Medium to strong oil-be-gone force.
Con: Medium to strong makeup-be-gone force.

If you're searching for the most solidly "meh" result, this is your guy.

#2: Receipts


Pro: The blotting is so, so good.
Con: It's probably making you die, or something.

THIS IS SO GOOD AND SO BAD. Everything is so scary all the time. I need a fluffy teddy bear to hold.

#1: Disposable Toilet Seat Covers


Pro: The oil-absorption is right up there with those damn BPA-laden receipts.
Con: It comes from a public bathroom, where strangers do pee pee and poo poo times.

Do you like to live life like you're Devon Sawa in Final Destination? Are you kind of a Josie Grossie? Do you and blot away.


Did I forget any free blotters? Are you using Gam Gam's pantyhose? Why am I asking so many questions today? Why is the sky blue?




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