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Showing posts with label Easy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Easy. Show all posts

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Make A DIY Curling Wand In 30 Seconds


Sometimes life hands you lemons. And those lemons are in the exact form of a curling iron that happens to be the perfect size, but the handle is c-blocking your hair styling flow. I love this curling iron because it's as big as a mofo and creates treasures of loose waves, but my hair is always getting yanked the hell out by the screws and springs on the clip thing-y. It's like I'm involved in a Real Housesives-esque fight every day.


So I decided to get rid of that shit. And it took 30 seconds. Here's how it works:


Use a screwdriver to remove the clip. Be careful, it kind of springs off at the end. Don't poke your eye out. While you're at it, avert your eyes from my gross nails. I'm a trash heap.


Then unscrew the spring part.


If you want, put the whole shebang in a ziploc and put it up. Who knows, you might want your OG curling iron back one day. I don't know your life.


That's it! I told you this was quick. No more hair-ripping-out-age for this beyotch.


Now you're free to...



(or whatever your flavor might be) your hair freely all up on your brand new curling wand.



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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Sex Up Your Eyes In One(ish) Step

Last week, I told you how to make your face that of a bad mofo in a snap. This week, we're going on the world's shortest magical journey from blah eyeballs to sexy time orbs. Get your freak on.


This is where we are starting. With a face that says, "I'm a perfectly nice person. Everything is fine." And also maybe, "I'm a woman of a certain age and I need several catnaps."

Luckily, we can kick up the sexy in (almost/kind of) one step. Just grab your favorite black eyeliner and meet me back here. I'll be using the Maybelline Master Kajal in Onyx Rush that CVS Beauty Club sent me a while back, but you can use whatever the hell you feel like, as long as it's black and sensual. (I don't know what that means, per se.)


First, line your upper and lower waterlines and your upper lash line.


Then smudge only the upper lash line. Now here's the biggest part: Take a matte black shadow and pat it on both your waterline and your upper lash line. This will not only keep that shit from wandering all about your face (especially if you're an oily flower like myself), but will up the boldness by several notches. Like 37 notches. Well-endowed notches.

That's it! Sexual realness in (mostly) one step. I know, you're all, "But it's just smudgy black eyeliner." Kind of, but that last eyeshadow step is what makes those peepers look like your residential address is 1234 Sexy Mofo Lane, Smolder, Colorado. I promise your sweet ass.


The finished product has my face saying, "I work part-time as a sex machine. Or something. But not WORK work." Well, in my case it says more, "I have no idea how to be sexual and I still need a damn nap," but you get the point.


And just in case you forgot what my OG mug looked like, here's a little comparison. Okay, I now totally get why people are all, "Are you sick? Is it the Black Plague? Should I leave?" when I don't wear eyeliner. I GET IT NOW, WORLD. I GET IT.

via realitytvgifs

It won't happen again.








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Monday, March 31, 2014

Take Your Lashes From Sad Sack To BADASS


Eyelashes, man. They can be a total make-or-beak deal in your beauty game. If I ever happen to catch a picture of myself sans mascara, I almost scare myself to death, like something straight out of Scary Eye-less Stories to Tell in the Dark, or some shit. It's not good.

But because I suffer from this disappearing eye condition, I have fine-tuned the steps to get the absolute MOST out of my lashes. Follow along with me on this journey from "OHHOLYSHITITHINKTHATLADYMURDEREDSOMEONE" to "There's a human!"

STEP ONE: Put some eyeliner in those skin spaces in your lash line.


Look at my before picture and honestly tell me you aren't scared that I might push your ass into a well and force you to rub lotion on your skin suit. You can't tell me that. Don't worry, we'll get almost all of my Buffalo Bill out.

I learned this eyeliner tip directly from Trish McEvoy, who is the natural-looking makeup queen. It makes your lashes look instantly thicker, no bones about it. You can also do this with a pencil liner, and just dab it in-between your lashes. Try this. It will CHANGE YOUR EYELASH LIFE. I'm only being slightly dramatic about that.

STEP TWO: Put some loose powder on your lashes.


This might sound a little weird, but brushing on a little powder to your lashes acts like a primer and forces mascara to get all up on your fringe. Even on those baby bitches. No eyelash will be safe.

STEP THREE: Curl the hell out of your lashes.


If you aren't on the eyelash curler party bus yet, I seriously need a 600 word essay on why the eff not. It opens up your eyes like nothing else can, and makes you look at least 200% more awake.

There are a few different schools of thought on HOW you should actually curl your lashes. I'm a put-the-curler-at-the-base-of-lashes-and-squeeze-for-10-seconds kind of person, but others like to squeeze at the base then repeat mid-shaft. (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT MAKE PRIVATE PARTS JOKES RIGHT NOW? TELL ME HOW TO LIVE.) Whatever your method is, curl those puppies like they're poodles.

P.S. Always curl your lashes pre-mascara, or you will rip those damn things out of your face. Not cute.

STEP FOUR: Grab two different mascara formulas and layer them.


Grab your first mascara selection and apply one coat, starting at the base of your lashes and vigorously wiggling it through your eyelashes. Now wait 60 seconds. Use your second mascara to apply another layer, pulling your lashes in both directions as you go. If you got all clumped up, brush through with one of those weird tiny eyelash combs or a clean mascara wand.

Listen, I'm not Mr. Wizard. I don't know why using two different mascaras works better than two coats of the same formula, but it just does. Try it, and let me know if you think I'm a crazy cat lady in the brain.


That's the end? Yep, we're done, you sexy ass minxes! Now let's all go awkwardly wink our long n' luscious lashes at mofos until we get arrested for being weird creeps.




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Monday, March 17, 2014

Makeup Quickie: Easy, Slightly Badass St. Patrick's Day Eye, Completely Sans Cheese


Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is kind of one of the best makeup days o' the year, because you can pretty much get away with whatever the eff you feel like doing to your face. Glitter? Great. Neon green shit? Sure. A full-on gingery leprechaun beard made from dyed Barbie hair? As you wish, Princess Butercup.


But, if you're looking for something that's easy and has a slight edge, without screaming, "IN YO' FACE, SHAMROCK SHAKES," then follow me down this easy ass yellow brick road of St. Paddy's face fun. There are three easy steps to this eye, and then you can get on with the drinky drink times.

Step One: Line the bottom of your eye (waterline included) with a green eyeliner, swooping it up a little at the end.


Step Two: Top the line off with some green eyeshadow, and smudge it up a bit.


Step Three: Cat eye your ass off with some black liquid liner goodness on your upper lash line.


Done. Off you go to find the Mobile Leprechaun.




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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Ohhhh Sh*t. I've Got Some New Brow Business Up My Wizard's Sleeve.

I'm not shy about my eyebrow obsession. And for the past 9,384,032 years (I'm a vampire), I've used a brow pencil/powder/gel combo that is both fabulous and time-consuming as f*ck. But, as of last week, I MIGHT have found a product that combines all of those steps and still leaves my brows looking like a bad b*tch.

anastasia dipbrow promade in dark brown ($18 + free shipping)
Meet Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade. I kept hearing rumblings about this stuff on the interwebs, and after going to a Sephora and coming up empty handed, I just ordered that sh*t right from the Anastasia of Beverly Hills website.

It's very similar to a waterproof gel eyeliner (YOU CAN USE THIS TOM FOOLERY AS EYELINER), but also holds your brows in place like a hair pomade. It's perfect for annoyingly oily faces, like myself, or for peeps that live in a sweaty ass climate. Or for b*tches that like to have banging ass brows.


Using this stuff doesn't require a f*cking degree in aerospace, either. I went for a (kind of) natural look here, so if you want more definition on your peeps you can use more product. No biggie smalls.

For the first step, just draw a line using a thin, angled brush (a brush isn't included, so calm your tits) from the corner of your inner brow all the way to the tail, following your natural arch. In step two, follow along the top of the brow, starting a little ways back, if you want to keep it natural. If not, start at the front of that sh*t. I'm not the boss of you. For the final step, just fill in the entire eyebrow with what's left on the brush, following the direction of the hair growth. Done, b*tch. DONE.


Simple, right? So if you're into bitchin' brows with little to no hassle, ch-ch-check this pomade goodness here.



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Monday, December 2, 2013

Get The Most Out Of That Damn DIY Mani

My life is so effing hard. I really enjoy having beautiful/well-manicured nails, but I can't afford to get professional manis, and I hate taking the time to do that sh*t myself, just to have those mofos chip in 37 minutes. Eff you, nail chips. You're a d*ck.


Don't you worry your beautiful little angel fish face about this, though. Over my years, upon years of working against the man (AKA terrible manicures), I have developed a system that allows nails to be not-so-the-worst. (Yay?)

Keep That Sh*t Fresh to Death.



One of the world's biggest c-blocks to a lasting manicure is oil on your nails that cause premature polish chip-ilation (see what I did there?). The easiest way to wipe out that problematic nonsense is to give your claws the ol' cotton ball swipe with acetone. It will zap the oils from your nails, leaving those b*tches primed and ready for polishing.

Tip: Make this the last step before you start mani-ing. (Don't wash your hands, put on lotion, pet a rapid howler monkey after.)

Get Your Coats Right.


Have you seen the sign? Lasting manicures should start with a(n Ace of) base coat and end with a top coat. After the above acetone wipe, apply a base coat, followed by watching a couple minutes of the Real Housewives franchise of your choice. Then go to town, painting on two coats of your chosen polish. Watch a few more minutes of NeNe Leakes giving it to somebody, then finish off with the top coat, making sure you get that top edge of your nail, just to seal that mess in right. Get it right, get it tight, as instructed by Bubba Sparxxx.

Tip: To help your nails dry faster, run them under really cold water after they've dried a bit.

Cuticle Oil? More Like Beautiful Oil.


creative nail design solar oil, $7.59 (drugstore.com)
I love cuticle oil, man. Not only does it keep your cuticles conditioned, but it also keeps your manicure looking all shiny and sh*t. This CND bad b is my favorite of the cuticle oils, but you can even use olive oil, if that cheap tip is more your style.

Stick It Real Good.


There is one sure-fire way to avoid a chipped ass mani at all costs -- NAIL STICKERS. When they start getting weird and peel-y like, you can peel the stickers off and be on to the next one. Suck at nail art, but want to be a fancy ass? NAIL STICKERS! Hate waiting for polish to dry because you're impatient? NAIL STICKERS, MOFO! You get the idea.

Tip: For best staying power, start with the acetone wipe from the jump off.

Now, go, get out of here! Off to the wild you go, with a hot ass, lasting manicure.


I'll see you kids later.



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Monday, September 16, 2013

Get Out Your Jnco Jeans, We're Getting Our Rave Sh*t On With CIATÉ Corrupted Neons Nails

I dragged my ancient ass to a music festival this past weekend. I'm probably way too old for all of that hippie effery, but I just can't quit that sh*t.


Anyway, it was the perfect time to give the Corrupted Neons Manicure Sets that Ciaté so kindly sent me a try.

ciaté corrupted neons manicure set, $25 (sephora)

The kit comes with a neon(y) polish, loose glitter, and a top cot THAT GLOWS IN BLACK LIGHT. My annoying ass 17 year old self shopping in the Spencer's Gifts poster section just f*cking died. The finish is kind of rough matte glitter, and it's pretty boss.

from l to r : club tropicana, foam party, shout out, and megaphone
So this is a sh*tty picture, and doesn't really give you any idea of what the polish really looks like, but you can get an idea of an idea. Plus, I used every damn one so I could try to fool festival patrons into thinking that I MIGHT not be an old ass b. (It didn't work.) I think my favorite color was Foam Party, because the glitter was glittery-er...Somewhere on this earth Mariah Carey just threw so much shade at me.


But look at them in the black light! Except for it highlighting the sh*tiness of my manicuring skills, it was pretty, pretty good. Nothing has ever looked this saucy in a black light since water-filled Captain Morgan bottles met highlighters.


And it really wasn't that hard to do. (You know I am incapable of completing difficult tasks.) You paint two coats of polish, dump some glitter on while the polish is still super wet (don't be gross), and add the glowy top coat deal after it dries.


One word of warning -- much like my life, this sh*t can get messy, so do the glitter part over the sink. Other than that, this stuff is a really fun, non-extacy induced way to feel rave-y and nouveau retro.


And my sink doesn't really have black mold, or anything. It's just a dirt filter that cool people use. Check out the whole deal about the Corrupted Neons here.



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Monday, August 26, 2013

The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.


And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads
Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)


Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.


Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.


Get your own damn lazy on here.




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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Trash Box Nail Tutorials: Glitter Sand Art Edition

Did you guys ever have on of these sand/glitter deals as a kid?


You would flip it over, and then the sand/glitter mixture would move around and make another boring formation. It was one of those things that was half cool to look at and half thing that your parents bought to shut you up.

Well, today's nail idea is based on these boringly badass art memorabilia.


SOMEWHAT similar, right? Oh, who the eff knows. I literally made this sh*t up five minutes ago. If you happen to want to try this quasi-nail art look yourself, here's what you'll need.


Three glittery nail polishes. I chose Dimepiece and Stun from Floss Gloss, because I effing love the kids, and Follow Me on Glitter from Nicole by OPI from the Kardashian Kollection because I really, really hate myself. Let us never speak of me buying anything Kardashian-related ever again, mmmmkay?

Here's what you do:


Step One -- Paint on the first color about halfway up your nail.

Step Two -- (There's so much we can do. P.S. If you don't click on that link and watch it in its entirety, I hate you.) Paint the second color slightly overlapping the first, and almost to the tip of your nail.

Step Three -- Take the third color, overlap a little with color two, and to the end of the nail.

Step Four -- Take color number one and blur the edges between the first two colors, so it's not a straight, blah ass border between. DONE!

The best way to get an opaque glitter look with one shot with this sh*t is to lay the brush flat on your nail and glob it on. This is a textured look, so you don't want it to be perfect. Go ahead, eff it up a little.


Easiest. Nail. (Kinda) art. EVA.



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