Eyelashes, man. They can be a total make-or-beak deal in your beauty game. If I ever happen to catch a picture of myself sans mascara, I almost scare myself to death, like something straight out of Scary Eye-less Stories to Tell in the Dark, or some shit. It's not good.
But because I suffer from this disappearing eye condition, I have fine-tuned the steps to get the absolute MOST out of my lashes. Follow along with me on this journey from "OHHOLYSHITITHINKTHATLADYMURDEREDSOMEONE" to "There's a human!"
STEP ONE: Put some eyeliner in those skin spaces in your lash line.
Look at my before picture and honestly tell me you aren't scared that I might push your ass into a well and force you to rub lotion on your skin suit. You can't tell me that. Don't worry, we'll get almost all of my Buffalo Bill out.
I learned this eyeliner tip directly from Trish McEvoy, who is the natural-looking makeup queen. It makes your lashes look instantly thicker, no bones about it. You can also do this with a pencil liner, and just dab it in-between your lashes. Try this. It will CHANGE YOUR EYELASH LIFE. I'm only being slightly dramatic about that.
STEP TWO: Put some loose powder on your lashes.
This might sound a little weird, but brushing on a little powder to your lashes acts like a primer and forces mascara to get all up on your fringe. Even on those baby bitches. No eyelash will be safe.
STEP THREE: Curl the hell out of your lashes.
If you aren't on the eyelash curler party bus yet, I seriously need a 600 word essay on why the eff not. It opens up your eyes like nothing else can, and makes you look at least 200% more awake.
There are a few different schools of thought on HOW you should actually curl your lashes. I'm a put-the-curler-at-the-base-of-lashes-and-squeeze-for-10-seconds kind of person, but others like to squeeze at the base then repeat mid-shaft. (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT MAKE PRIVATE PARTS JOKES RIGHT NOW? TELL ME HOW TO LIVE.) Whatever your method is, curl those puppies like they're poodles.
P.S. Always curl your lashes pre-mascara, or you will rip those damn things out of your face. Not cute.
STEP FOUR: Grab two different mascara formulas and layer them.
Grab your first mascara selection and apply one coat, starting at the base of your lashes and vigorously wiggling it through your eyelashes. Now wait 60 seconds. Use your second mascara to apply another layer, pulling your lashes in both directions as you go. If you got all clumped up, brush through with one of those weird tiny eyelash combs or a clean mascara wand.
Listen, I'm not Mr. Wizard. I don't know why using two different mascaras works better than two coats of the same formula, but it just does. Try it, and let me know if you think I'm a crazy cat lady in the brain.
That's the end? Yep, we're done, you sexy ass minxes! Now let's all go awkwardly wink our long n' luscious lashes at mofos until we get arrested for being weird creeps.