Showing posts with label Beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beauty. Show all posts

Saturday, March 3, 2018

You Can Keep Your Damn Beauty Samples

Hi. Remember me? I'm drunk. (I KNOW, J'SUPRISE.) Okay, I'm not DRUNK drunk, just like 4/7s drunk. I had two glasses of wine, and felt inspired to do something. Like Lindsay Lohan trying out a new accent. So here I am, spreading my horrible beauty opinions again, like a Jeffree Star/Typhoid Mary hybrid.

I have to be honest, like I am about thinking Justin Bieber's dad is objectively super hot, some of y'all might not be down with the opinion I'm about to spew forth:


I know. You're about to be all, "But it's so fun and new and fresh and new and fresh and also new." But like liking This Is Us—you are wrong.

Let me say, whenever I buy something from Sephora and they try to give me some damn samps, I am v much like:

Keep your Armani Blue Wave Kool Splash Zone cologne sample, honey girl. I am not interested.

Like Rueben Studdard, I'm Sorry for 2004, but I have my reasons. Just hear me out. 

They're Too Small To Do Shit

Listen, Sapphire the beautiful sales associate who somehow looks hot as f wearing gray-ass matte lipstick, I don't need to try anything doled out in a metric amount of less than a thimble. How will I even know if I like an eye cream that I can try on half of one crow's foot-laden under eye? I NEED A GD VAT OF ANYTHING. My cells are literally dying by the millisecond over here. Help a bitch.

Or I need at least more than a literal swipe of foundation. I will never be like, "Oh, I love how this foundation worked on 17% of my forehead. This is a yes for me. Sign me all the way up!" Who can even get one use out of these damn things? David the Gnome

And that's not even my only issue.

I Don't Need to Like More Things

Listen, my beauty routine is exten-muthaeffing-sive. I already have too much shit. The last thing I need is more shit.

What happens if I try one dot of a miracle serum, fall Justin-Bieber's-dad-style in love, then find out it's $457 for one fluid ounce? I will have to move to the moon. It's my only option. And it's cheaper.

I don't need new things. Period. Keep your new things. Especially the spendy sort. I'm old as hell. I still shop at Forever21, because I literally only have two pennies to rub together.

So, beauty samples? All I have to say is...

See you in two years, or something.

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Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Best Beauty Tenderonis From 2015

It's the end of the year. Let's review.

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Sunday, August 23, 2015

Lazy Blogging: Girl Group Beauty

A video posted by Shannon Ray (Gloss And Dirt) (@glossanddirt) on

I have a thing for girl groups, as evidenced by my atrocious karaoke-ing session. RIP your ears.

Recover your sensibilities by reading this slideshow I wrote for Allure on the most amazing moment in musical girl group beauty. Check it here, if you wish, Buttercup.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Beauty Science Fair: I Tried Really, Really Natural Beauty Products

I go through weird cycles in my life, where at the pinnacle of thinking every single thing on Earth is probably slowly turning all of my cells into tiny Chernobyl victims, I find myself trying to be more natural in my beauty product choices. I know, I know. Me: the one with the fake boobs, and the fake highlights, and the Botox and the Latisse. I KNOW. I'm a damn lie and a hypocrite, but every little bit counts. (???)

I recently read somewhere (where? I don't know, that would be too responsible) that the two most toxic beauty products are perfumes and antiperspirants. So, I thought that I would try to find natural alternatives to my typical shit: slatherings on slatherings of Dove deodorant and an epidermis sprayed to the hilt with Marc Jacobs Honey.

The following is a true account of these naturalistic trials and tribulations.

Fragrance Swap: Vanilla Extract

I remember reading a few years ago that Jennifer Love Hewitt used vanilla extract as a perfume, and she was quoted as saying, "Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'" Insert your own one billion eyerolls here. You can quote me on that.

So, a couple nights ago I decided to give this complete douchey-nonsense-sounding-nonsense a whirl, and put some on my wrists and neck right before bed. When I first put on the vanilla extract, I detected slight notes of cat pee and it felt kind of sticky, but both seemed to fade over time.

I forced my husband to smell my wrist and describe what he smelled in detail. After several seconds of sniffing, he said, "It smells just like the cocoa butter you wear every day," and also, "Oh, did you put on coconut oil?" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL EMPIRICAL DATA, FOLKS! (volume 16)

By the time I woke up I smelled nothing. Like less than the amount of times I want to hear LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" again, amounts of nothing. So, roughly -29834902 amount of scent.

But I had not finished with this experiment. Maybe I just hadn't used enough. A few days later, I tried to dab it on my wrist gracefully by tipping the bottle and making direct skin-to-glass contact, like I was Elizabeth Taylor in a GD White Diamonds commercial, and ended up splashing it all over myself and the floor. I am not made for the glamorous life. Needless to say, I had a lot more extract on my skin.

A few hours later, I again smelled nothing. C'est Fini. I'm over it.

Conclusion: This is pointless and sucks. Save yourself the heartache and splash zone and use it to bake some MF-ing Martha Stewart cookies. And unless J Love wants to sell me her actual hair, I'm not buying her bullshit again.

Antiperspirant Swap: Green Tidings Natural Deodorant

This is not my first foray into natural deodorants. I used to use one that was locally made and had, like, two ingredients (I KNOW, HIPSTER-ASS-HIPSTER). It worked really well, but it also irritated my armpits like a mofo.

Riddle me this: why can I put a GD ocean of chemicals on my pits and nary a bump pops up, but when I use the natural shit it's Burnapalooza 2015, with Rash Fest on the side stage? How is this the way that life works? Cover that in the 2016 presidential debate, plz.

This time I went for the Green Tidings Extra Strength Natural Deodorant in Lavender, because it was on Amazon Prime, and I'm a lazy-ass-lazy. It was $14.99, which I feel is pretty excessive in the ol' cost department, but what can I say? I still bought it.

I've been using the deodorant for about a week, and here's what I've found: As far as making me not smelly, I would say it works pretty well. It's like one million degrees outside, and if I get whore-in-a-church sweaty, I just have to reapply and I'm fine. I've worked out while wearing it, too, and felt a touch stank, but nothing over-the-top.

(Youngsters, this gif is from the movie Over the Top. Never watch it.)

In the rashy department, things are pretty meh. I try to wait as long as possible to apply this stuff, especially after shaving, but it's still all a little burn-y. And sometimes irritation is included in that goody bag. This is what the company says about pit irritation:

A rash can be due to the any of the following: 

1)  Detox reaction.  This is your body expelling all the nasty ingredients from your previous toxic deodorant, and finally having the freedom to sweat naturally again.  This type of rash clears up within 1 month.  You can try to go without any deodorant whenever you can, or use the vinegar spray, below, while your body detoxes.

2) pH adjustment.  For some, the deodorant will irritate the skin as the body adjusts to its pH levels.  Sometimes this can even occur after having used the deodorant for some time.  A simple remedy is to combine 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar with one cup of distilled water.  Spray underarms.  Let dry.  Then apply  deodorant.  Repeat for a week.  If this does not work, take 1 week off from the deodorant and use only the vinegar spray (which will help with odor, too).  Begin using the deodorant again after a week has passed. 

3) Skin irritation due to one of the ingredients.  Your body could be sensitive to one of the natural ingredients.  Lavender essential oil is irritating to some,  Stop using if this is the case, and contact us at

I can tell you this -- I WILL NOT partake in extra steps of spraying vinegar and all of that shitty pit jazz. It's not that serious.

Conclusion: I'm going to stick with my natural and irritated pit concoction for now. It works pretty well, and it's worth it to me. If you have armpits of steel, I would suggest this. If your pits have the constitution of a Victorian Lady, you might want to do a hard pass on this one.

Now I'm off to oil pull, drink the eff out of some apple cider vinegar and put coconut oil on everything, all while Latisse-ing my lashes into Muppet territory.

 Peace and love. Peace and love.

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Thursday, June 25, 2015

My New Favorites

Here's a little compilation of everything I'm into right now. It's all over the spectrum, so hang onto your bonnet, Laura Ingalls Wilder.

P.S. Do I use LIW references too much? If yes, please pen me a letter on the first page of your copy of Little House on the Prairie.

If no, watch this gif one billion times.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Beauty Products I'll Buy Until I Die

For my Allure Insider video this month, I decided to share the beauty products that I won't stop buying. You'll probably recognize a lot of them, but there might be some cats in there that I haven't spouted off about.

Some people on the ol' YouTubes noted that the Allure Insiders logo was covering the number of the amount of times I've purchased each item, so I transcribed it below, if you find yourself curious.

Neutrogena Cleanser: 4
Elta MD Sunscreen: 3
Latisse: 10-ish
Palmer’s Cocoa Butter: 50+
Jergens Foam: 100+ (probably)
St. Tropez: 10-ish
Batiste Dry Shampoo: 3
L’Oreal Mythic Oil Conditioner: 2
EuroNext Extensions: Unknown
MAC Studio Fix: 15 or so
Amazing Cosmetics Concealer: Probably 5
UD Primer Potion: 6-8
Maybelline Brow Pencils: Pshh, 30?
Model in a Bottle: At least 5

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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

The 34 Beauty Lessons I've Learned in 34 Years

Today is my 34th birthday, and I'm pretty much feeling like an old hag. Or an old handbag. You choose. So, instead of feeling like a sad sack of invisible poop in the eyes of society, I decided to compile a list of 34 of the beauty-related things I've learned on this long journey of life I've had. (I actually thought I would have expired with my oxen while forging a river, Oregon Trail-style, by now. Maybe this is the year.)

I did something kind of similar to this last year, because I like to reflect upon shit. I'm a real thinker. Read ahead as I creep closer to middle age. Yay! Pass the streamers.

#1 -- Extreme eyebrows can screw up your face.

#2 -- Red lips work for everyone. You might look good with an orangey-red. Or a blue-red. Or a true red. (Is this what poetry feels like?) But there's a red for everyone. And I don't care if you think that your lips are too small/big/you think you have a weird mouth. EVERYONE.

#3 -- Bangs are not for everyone. Sorry, people with very small foreheads and cowlicks.

#4 -- I kind of hate blowouts. Okay, so this isn't a lesson for everyone. I just wanted to tell someone.

#5 -- Stay the eff out of the sun. It will slowly murder your skin.

#6 -- There really are some great drugstore products on this planet. Have you HEARD about this Maybelline mascara?!?

#7 -- Your eyebrows don't have to be matchy-matchy with your hair. In fact, dark-haired peeps' brows should be a tad lighter than their head hairs and fair-haired bros should keep their brows a little darker. Also, do whatever your eyebrows tell you to. They are the rulers of the universe. Who runs the world? Brows.

#8 -- Dry shampoo is the shit, but it can only do so much. If you're oily and thin-haired, and on day three, WASH YO' DAMN HAIR.

#9 -- Peeling off nail polish is legitimately bad for your nails. But that doesn't stop me from doing it.

#10 -- So are acrylic nails. At least stay away from the places that use a friggin' Black and Decker drill on them. That cannot be healthy.

#11 --  Unless you have FANTASTIC-ASS skin, skip shimmery bronzer on your mug. The glitter stuff will highlight every pore and imperfection. Trust me, I could have a doctorate in bad skin and things to avoid.

#12 -- Don't let Kim K bully you into contouring. It's not mandatory for your face.

#13 -- A French manicure (pedicure?) on your toes makes your toenails look weirdly long. Or short.

#14 -- Don't let people make you feel shitty about liking/not liking beauty stuff. It's not that serious. If you're into it, cool. If you're more of an I-don't-give-a-shit-type, that's fine, too. Spend your time and brainwaves and monies on what makes you happy.

#15 -- Primers are not bullshit. Use them.

#16 -- I believe in ghosts, aliens and addiction to chapstick. I've read articles saying that chapstick addiction is not real, and I don't believe them. Just like I don't believe in long division in 2015. Use a calculator.

#17 -- Hair is just hair. You can change it back if you hate it. And it grows back almost always.

#18 -- Take care of your damn skin as much as possible, it's the only skin you have.

#19 -- Find a go-to style to deal with your dirty-ass hair, and make it fast and easy. It could be a braid, a bun, a high pony; I don't give a shit. Just learn to love it for those hard and sleepy days.

#20 -- Know how to use products in more than one way. Eyeshadow as brow powder, bronzer as eyeshadow, lipstick as blush, just for starters. When money is tight, you will appreciate these things in your brain.

#21 -- Learn to love your natural hair texture-ish. It's what you have, and fighting against it completely is futile.

#22 -- Just because something works for your friend/Beyoncé/Betsy Ross' ghost, doesn't mean it's necessarily great for you. Every human has different skin and hair and coloring, so everything is not universal, no matter what the people who make that mood lipstick tells you.

#23 -- Be careful with wearing heavy earrings as you get older. STRETCHED OUT EARLOBES ARE REAL.

#24 -- Don't dye your hair with black boxed dye unless you want to marry it and take that mess to the grave.

#25 -- Getting hung up on stuff you can't do is a waste of time. Just work around it. I can't paint my nails in any socially acceptable way, so I just paint all over the place and scrub the skin parts in the shower. Number of seconds of sleep I lose over this: zero.

#26 -- Don't be afraid of oils, even if you're oily. Facial oils are MF-ing delightful. Same goes for hair oils. Even cleansing oils.

#27 -- Doing highlights at home is a terrible idea. Especially if you're using one of those kits that comes with a comb. (Unless you're, like, a professional. That doesn't count.)

#28 -- Your skin changes with time and location. Roll with the punches. I've gone from completely oily to somehow dry AND oily. Ain't life grand?

#29 -- Baby bangs can only be pulled off by roughly less than 1% of the population.

#30 -- Don't go crazy with self tanner. When you look at pictures later, you will be f-ing appalled.

#31 -- Try clip-in extensions at least once. Even if they're borrowed. (From someone you know, not a Craigslist person.) They're fun and make you feel like Ariel when she's a human.

#32 -- Waterproof eyeliner is the universe's gift to humans with eyeballs.

#33 -- You really only need a nude lip liner. You can own whatever the hell you want, but you can use nude with any color.

#34 -- I know nothing. I'm like a way less sexy Jon Snow.

If you need me, I'll be busy being old in the corner with my cake. (JK, I don't even have a cake. Help.)

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Sunday, December 28, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

pic via allure
In the last few minutes of your holiday weekend, take a couple seconds to check out this post that I wrote for Allure, called "The Best Holiday-Movie Beauty Looks," about, well, the best holiday movie beauty looks. 

I was watching Love, Actually on Christmas and still couldn't get over the level of gorgeousness that Keira Knightley possesses. Life just isn't fair. Happy New Year.

See who else I included on the list here.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something I Already Wrote

pic via allure
First off, this image makes my brain feel crazy because my eyeballs assume that it's a Magic Eye print, and force me to start searching for a Statue of Liberty, or something. Secondly, I wrote a fun slideshow for Allure this month, that gives beauty meanings to basic emojis. Because why not?

If you want to check it, do so here. If not, make up your own meanings. Or try to find Lady Liberty in the picture above. It's your brain, use it how you please.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Best Beauty Products I've Never Talked About

I can be a dick. (No comments from the peanut gallery.) Sometimes I try some good good, get hooked, then forget to tell you about it. AND THAT'S MY ONE JOB. Okay, it's like one of three to four jobs that I have, but it's way friggin' up there.

So today is all about rectifying my crappiness and talking about all the stuff I've been way into lately. You have my apologies, m'lady (or m'dude where applicable).

Living Proof Prime Style Extender

living proof prime style extender (sephora, $20)

This stuff is kind of the tits. My friend Shauna (whaddup!) got a sample of this from Sephora and promptly told me that I needed it. So, of course, I ordered it that night. I have issues, one of which is buying whatever people tell me I need. I know my people won't steer me wrong.

You can use this stuff solo, or you can use it with all of your other hair babies. I use it with something I'll tell you about in a minute, and also whatever I'm vibing on at any moment. It gives your hair volume and keeps it soft, but also holds the style of whatever the hell you do to your hair without any kind of crunchy hair situation. It's supposed to also keep your hair from getting dirty on those second/third/I don't know your life days, and it does, but very minimally for me. I'm a dirty oil rig, you know this.

Kat Von D Tattoo Liner

kat von d tattoo liner in trooper (sephora, $18)

I know that I've been touting the praises of the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er liner for the past year or so (AND I LOVE THAT FORMULA), but I kept fraying the end of that liner, because it's a felt-tip, and it was pissing me off. It's not the Marc'er, it's me. I go hard.

So I picked up this Kat Von D Tattoo Liner because it has a teeny tiny brush THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN REALLY EFF UP. To show you how precise the brush is, I wrote "bloop" on my arm. It was the first thing that came to my mind grapes. Thanks, Nene Leakes.

Like the Magic Marc'er, this stuff staaaaaays and slays. If I wasn't a gross person, I would still be doing Marc (zing!), and still love it if I don't need to be precise. They're both dope. Don't make me choose and shit.

Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment

macadamia healing oil treatment in travel size (ulta, $6.50)

I happened upon this Macadamia Healing Oil Treatment on accident. When I was in LA last month, I forgot to pack any kind of hair oil, and I can't live without some kind of somethin' somethin' on these sad strands. So I stopped at the closest CVS to my hotel, and found this wee little bottle of magic. This bottle is TINY. I put it next to a banana for scale.

To my surprise, I LOVE THIS SHIT. (It really shouldn't be a shock, I love Macadamia products.) It's super-moisturizing, so it's a slice of perfection pie if you have dry-ass hair ends and put off haircuts for a million months at a time. (No? That's just me?) If I could fill a baby pool with this stuff and float in it, I would. I guess in this scenario I'm the size of a baby? Whatever.

Speaking of babies...

Maybelline Baby Lips Dr. Rescue

maybelline baby lips dr. rescue

I'm one of those a-holes that think having something on your lips is an addiction, and this is my latest crack-y item.

My lips have been really dry lately, so when I saw a double pack of these menthol-y puppies in CVS the other day I snatched them up toute suite. They're like the OG Maybelline Baby Lips products (which are great on their own), but tingly. In a good way. I'm into the tingly-burning. TINGLES 4 LYFE.

Okay, you're all caught up on my recent secret beauty product homies. Have you tried anything lately that you can't get enough of? Tell me all of your ride-or-dies. I can never have too many.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The Pumpkin Enzyme Facial

The second Allure Insiders facial video is a major Fall staple...the pumpkin! I'm getting all up in the Pumpkin Enzyme Facial, which is kind of like rubbing a Pumpkin Spice Latte on your mug, except that it's great for your skin.

What does it feel like? What does it smell like? (Side note -- I had to edit out at least five minutes of me talking about what each thing smelled like. It was getting creepy like woah.) Watch the video to get the answers to these burning questions and more. FALL 4EVA!

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Allure Insiders Outrageous Beauty: The "Million Dollar Facial"

Who's ready to get fancy up in here? Today I've got TWO Outrageous Beauty facial videos coming out for Allure Insiders. The first one is dubbed the "Million Dollar Facial," and involves tons of fancy pants stuff like a diamond microdermabrasion and a 24k face mask. I've never felt less garbage heap-y than I did after these treatments. (And you know that's saying a lot coming from me.)

Check it out if you're feeling extravagant. Or luxurious. Or lavish. I'll post the Fall-centric facial number two in a few hours, so keep those eyeballs peeled. You know, or just check back.

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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Allure Insiders Get The Look: The Anti-Gone Girl

I'm so excited about Gone Girl coming out this weekend, man. I even heard that Ben Affleck is, like, GOOD good in it, so don't even trip on ol' Gigli. It'll be okay.

So for this week's Allure Insiders video, I did a kind of anti-Get the Look. No one wants to look like a maybe/possibly/I'm not ruining it for you dead person, so watch the video to get tips on how to look human on your worst days. Unless you're just naturally #flawless. In that case -- hey, Beyoncé.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

The Full-Size Beauty Products I Have To Travel With (Screw You, 50 Pound Max)

I'm going to New York for the weekend, and I'm pretty f-ing excited. I get to see two of my favorite friends, and I sold my Britney Spears tickets to buy my plane ticket, so I plan on livin' it up like Ja Rule and shit. That means that I need to be very, very well-packed. I'm not leaving any favorite beauty homies behind, regardless of weight. I NEED ALL OF MY THINGS.

There are a few interchangeable beauty products that I'll just grab whatever feels lightest and easy, but the following guys are non-negotiables. You can see why I have to check a bag. And pack all of my shoes in my purse.

Skin-y Not Minis

I have assembled a motley-ass crew of skin necessities as of late. I've begun using Retin-A again (more on that another time), so I've really been trying to find the perfect moisturizer to use to curtail that damned, dirty peeling that comes with using the ol' A. So I don't have a favorite right now. It's been more of a favorite rotation-ish.

But I have been completely vibing on this Elta MD UV Shield SPF 45 Oil-Free Sunscreen, which is NECE-MFing-SSARY when you're using Retin-A. Like, I even wear it if I go out at night just in case. And this stuff is pretty bomb. It's oil-free (so you can use it over the moisturizer du jour) and doesn't make my eyes feel crazier than a Craisin™.

I also have to bring my Nivea Creme because I can't be caught unawares if I happen to put on some kind of dress/skirt apparatus. You know I'm not about that non-shiny-exposed-leg life

And because I currently live in an actual damn desert, I'm preparing for a humidity-meets-skin oil freakout when I hit the East Coast. That's where the Urban Decay De Slick comes in. It's actually not my favorite setting spray, Model in Bottle holds that place in my dark and oily heart, but I have the older packaging that's made from glass. Homie don't play with putting glass in a suitcase. I have a very deep-seated fear of broken glass (we'll talk about that another time, too), and I refuse to risk that shit. So this'll do, pig. This'll do.

Shower Powers

I have another weird thing that I've been dealing with lately. (I know, I know; shocking stuff.) I feel like my hair is thinning. It's probably not, and I should just chalk this all up to a bathroom with weird lighting and neurotic brain wrinkles, but it's my current (possible) real life deal. I'll get into this more another time. I have a lot of things to tell you about later, clearly, but in the meantime, these things have been my maybe hair saviors. If I need them. Which I might or might not. I'm not sure. HALP.

I bought this Bioinfusion Daily Volume Shampoo a couple weeks ago, and I think I love it. (I told you, these are confusing times.) This is apparently a brand that's made for and by Walgreens, and I can't even hate it a little. I don't know that it's going to cause my scalp to sprout more strands, but I'm lathering up with hope in my heart.

I snatched up this Lee Stafford Breaking Hair Treatment on accident, while I was trying to buy some other crap, but I ended up LOVING THIS STUFF LIKE NO OTHER. Like it's no ordinary love. No ordinary love. You use it between your shampoo and conditioner, and it makes your hair feel like a baby unicorn angel's cashmere baby blanket. Or close.

For conditioner, I've been on that Not Your Mother's Way To Grow Conditioner tip. I also have the shampoo, but you can see that I've been busy being stuck on the Bioinfusion. This conditioner is not crazy heavy, but it moisturizes like woah. The instructions say to massage into the scalp for two to three minutes, but I can't really go beyond a minute or so. I must have the strength of a fetal deer, paired with the oil production of a seal's coat. It's a great life.

I'll KIT re: how all of this mess of a regiment works in the long-term.

Save My Damn Hair

Speaking of hair, I'm not even finished. There's more to my ridiculousness. I have to style this mess in some form or fashion, so let's deal with all of that.

When I get out of the shower, I'm all about being able to brush through my tangles sans maximum hair-ripping-out-age. For that, I turn to a combo of Unite 7Seconds Leave In Conditioner and Josie Maran Argan Oil Hair Serum. These cats are like He-Man and She-Ra for hair saving. Or The Power Team, without the phone book ripping. You know, powerful and stuff.

After my hair is dry and styled, I like to add more texture and volume. I use Bumble and Bumble Dryspun Finish pretty much on the daily, even though it's freaking spendy and I really should save it for special occasions. Whatever. I'm really living la vida loca.

I also tend to hit up my roots/bang area with psssst! Instant Dry Shampoo to pump up the volume (dance dance) and keep the front of my hair from getting all greased up. It's fairly cheap and it smells better than any other dry shampoo, so I'm into it. Being oily 4 lyfe is superduper fun, man.

I'm now taking bets on how much you think my bag will weigh. I'm going with 1.7 billion pounds. Minimum. And I'm not even taking into account the weight of a hairdryer, curling wand and flat iron. I'm completely screwed.

What are your must-pack beauty items? Tell me more things I should bring. It's all whatever at this point.

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Monday, September 22, 2014

Want To Win The September Allure Sample Society Box?

Allure sent me their September Sample Society box to root through and see what it's all about, and I made this little baby haul video to share the info. There are lots of fun thingy-dos in this puppy. I'm actually pretty, pretty excited about it. If you want to see what's in the box (heh), watch away.

If you want more info on Allure Sample Society, you can check it out here. And if you want to win one of these babies for yourself, click here and see info on how to win one in the description box. Treat yo' self!

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

pic via allure
After getting nostalgic for the teen flicks of yesteryear (they don't make that shit like they used to, et al), I wrote a fun little ditty for Allure this month featuring some of my all-time favorite teen movie queens and their flawless beauty looks.

If you want to see the homies I chose, you can check it out here. If not, I still love you.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Pumpkin Spice Latte Is Here, But I'm Bucking The System And Not Giving Up These Anti-Fall Beauty Favorites

Listen, I'm super friggin' over Summer. It's still so ungodly hot out that I can't even leave my house, and I am completely ready for cooler Fall weather. BUT, that doesn't mean that I'm prepared for the onslaught of all things Fall-themed. The fact that Starbucks already released the Pumpkin Spice Latte is just ridiculous. IT'S TOO DAMN SOON, MAN.

Fall or not, there are a few beauty things that tend to be regarded as #SUMMERLEMONADEBIKINIWATERMELONBLAHHHH that I absolutely refuse to leave behind as I jump into a damn pile of leaves or whatever. Let's discuss.

 Shiny White Talons
I really love white nails. And not only because they are the color of unicorns' fur. Don't be ridiculous. (Okay, that's totally part of it.) But they're typically thought of as the epitome of a Summer color, with that fogey-ass "no white after Labor Day" nonsense. 

So you can imagine my complete and total (Sunny) delight when Floss Gloss sent me their new Fall/Winter polish colors, and one of them was the baddest beyotch of a white polish called Mrs. Tony Montana ($8). This nail polish is a little piece of marshmallow-y perfection. It doesn't streak at all, and goes on without a damn hitch, which is UNHEARD of in a opaque white polish. I love this baby polish, I'll never let it go. No matter what season.

Bright-Mouthed B
(I'm wearing CoverGirl Lip Perfection in Spellbound)
I know, I know. Fall times are all about a vampy lip and shit. And don't get me wrong, I adore a dark lipstick. I really consider myself to be at least 67% emo. But that doesn't mean that I'm planning on giving up bright pink lips any-dang-time soon. It's just pretty, and I'm not ready. Whatever.

If you want to keep on keepin' on with the brightness, you don't have to spend 7.2 billion dollars on a crazy pink lipstick. (Although I do love the Make Up For Ever Aqua Rouge Fuschia lip.) If you can't really get spendy right now, I totally feel you sister. Luckily, CoverGirl and NYX both make pretty fantastic bright lips. I'm keeping it pink, baby. (And red. And dark. I WANT IT ALL, AND I WANT IT NOW.)

Lazy Messy Hair

Most people probably call this "beachy hair," but I veto that because I don't like the damn beach. Whatever you want to call this deal, I will not be giving it up when the season is over. This style is my go-to, mainly because it's the laziest lazy that's ever lazied and doesn't look terrible.

Here's how I do the damn thing: when I get out of the shower, I wait until my hair is damp, then spray it with a light leave-in conditioner and brush it through. Ideally, you would want to skip the brushing to maintain waves/curls, but my hair is fine and just gets tangled as shit, so I have to brush it. Then I spray Sally Hershberger Supreme Lift Root Spray at the roots on the top and crown of my head, and blow dry just my bangs. I let the rest of my air dry, then spray a surf spray (Bumble and bumble is my ride-or-die, but this Wella one isn't too bad, either.) throughout the length of my hair and scrunch it like it's 1989 in this piece, until it's all dry. Total time of doing actual things? Like two minutes.

If I want it a little more done and wavy, I'll pick out a few pieces and wrap them around a curling iron. Usually I don't, because lazy.

What are you unwilling to let go of from the Summertimes? Don't worry, I won't make you stop, like, ever. Get off our asses, Fall. We do what we want.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This month for Allure I covered one of the best things about these turrible Summertimes: movies. I reached way back into my horrible brain and pulled out all of the very best beauty looks from Summer blockbuster movies, with the aptly titled, "The 14 Hottest Beauty Looks From Summer Blockbuster Movies."

I used Grease for the jump off, because no doy. Check out the rest of the list here.

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Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mug Makeover: Gwen Stefani Edition

The other day I was reading this article over at Refinery29, and came across this bomb picture of Gwen Stefani. It was like watching Jonathan Brandis (RIP) in Ladybugs** -- I fell in love all over again. GS is usually looking consistently fly, so it's not like I expected anything different from her ass, but I feel like this makeup look is slightly different from her regular deal and I wanted that shit on my face immediately.

pic via refinery29
I've recreated it below in a few easy steps, so read on, reader, if you want Gwennie's glorious face on your face. (Without getting all Buffalo Bill-y and illegal.)

P.S. I would (almost but not quite) literally kill for that kimono.

I started with the eyes, which are really pretty simple and low key, with a touch of shimmer. (But NOT glitter, the nemesis of soul windows everywhere.) I'm using the Lorac Starry-Eyed Baked Eye Shadow Trio in Pro Star, which I can't friggin' find anywhere, but this Superstar palette ($27) is super-similar.

Start by applying a shimmery brown shadow from the crease to the lash line.

Follow up by using a light bronze-y eyeshadow in the crease and also on the bottom lash line.

Next apply some black liner on the upper lash line only. I'm pretty ride-or-die liquid liner in this situation, but live your life and use whatever eyeliner you like. I used the Marc Jacobs Magic Marc'er Precision Pen Waterproof Eyeliner ($30) because I LOVE THAT SHIT.

Finish off with a powerful mascara, because Gwen's lashes be bangin' in this face case. I'm using Rimmel Scandaleyes Rockin' Curves Mascara ($6.99), that CVS Beauty Club so kindly sent me to sample, along with the Rimmel lipstick that I use in a hot minute. The mascara is actually pretty boss. It makes my lashes seem as long as a Real Housewives Reunion show, parts one through seven, but 309485% less boring.

For lips, I started by lining with MAKE UP FOR EVER Aqua Lip Waterproof Lipliner Pencil in Bright Baby Pink ($19), because it's just what I happened to have lying around. Once again, use what you wish, but definitely use a liner with a bright lip like this to prevent that rude bitch, lipstick feathering.

The last step is to throw on a bright reddish-pink lipstick, like Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in As You Want Victoria ($6.99). I really enjoy the shade of this 'stick, but I had to get used to the moisturizing aspect. I'm usually more of a matte lip kind of mofo, so I had to do some reapplying as the hours ticked by. But the formula feels like a dream, so it's worth the extra seconds of reapply time.

That's it, here's the finished product. I might not look as much like a flawless creamy-skinned elf as Gwen, but I'm completely into this face.

What do you guys think? Are you into Mizz Gwen's look? You don't even know how hard I had to fight against making a "Hella Good" reference here, so tell your brains "you're welcome" for the reprieve from my typical terrible puns.

** I used to carry around a folded-up pictures of Jonathan Brandis in my pocket in Elementary school. I was an avid reader of Tiger Beat, Big Bopper, et al, and I would rip out pictures of JB and carry them until they pretty much deteriorated into ransom-letter-like scraps.

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Sunday, June 1, 2014

Poppin' Bottles On Summer Polishes: The China Glaze Off Shore Collection

I'm really trying not to be a broken record in this bitch, but it's hot. And when the going gets hot, that really only means one thing: It's Summa, Summa, Summatime (Summatime). I kind of hate Summer, because it's just so damn sunny and people are always all, "It's BEAUTIFUL out," which is just pretty much the opposite of my life's motto. Plus, I refuse to wear a bathing suit, or even shorts, so this shit just ain't for me. In a nutshell.

Everyone else in the Summertimes:

Me in the Summertimes:

There is one exception to my general grumpy ass-ness when it comes to all things Summer -- I LOVE A BRIGHT NAIL POLISH. This is the time of year when all of the polish brands release their brightest and cheeriest hues, and I was lucky enough to get to sample the newest from China Glaze, with their Off Shore Collection.

If you can actually follow along with my cluster eff of a photo below, you can get a hands-on view of what the collection is working with.

china glaze off shore collection, $7.50 each
Every bit of the polishes are appropriately vivid, and all but one of them are a creme finish. (The deep orange-y "Stoked to be Soaked" has a semi-pearly look.) There are a few of the lighter polishes that I feel like would be best with three coats, because they're on the thin side, but overall they all go on well.

I was surprised to find that I genuinely liked all of the polishes. While just peeping them in the bottle, I felt pretty "meh" about a few initially, but after getting them up on my phalanges, I was pleasantly impressed by the entire lot.

Bottom line, if you're into colorful nail polish, these will 100% be your jam. Even if you're a straight-up grouch ass like me.

China Glaze's Off Shore Collection is available at Ulta and Sally Beauty Supply starting in June (so, like, now), so get on it. Don't worry, I'll still be holed-up in a darkened room with my beautifully bright claws.

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