Showing posts with label Hippie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hippie. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Beauty Science Fair: I Tried Really, Really Natural Beauty Products

I go through weird cycles in my life, where at the pinnacle of thinking every single thing on Earth is probably slowly turning all of my cells into tiny Chernobyl victims, I find myself trying to be more natural in my beauty product choices. I know, I know. Me: the one with the fake boobs, and the fake highlights, and the Botox and the Latisse. I KNOW. I'm a damn lie and a hypocrite, but every little bit counts. (???)

I recently read somewhere (where? I don't know, that would be too responsible) that the two most toxic beauty products are perfumes and antiperspirants. So, I thought that I would try to find natural alternatives to my typical shit: slatherings on slatherings of Dove deodorant and an epidermis sprayed to the hilt with Marc Jacobs Honey.

The following is a true account of these naturalistic trials and tribulations.

Fragrance Swap: Vanilla Extract

I remember reading a few years ago that Jennifer Love Hewitt used vanilla extract as a perfume, and she was quoted as saying, "Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'" Insert your own one billion eyerolls here. You can quote me on that.

So, a couple nights ago I decided to give this complete douchey-nonsense-sounding-nonsense a whirl, and put some on my wrists and neck right before bed. When I first put on the vanilla extract, I detected slight notes of cat pee and it felt kind of sticky, but both seemed to fade over time.

I forced my husband to smell my wrist and describe what he smelled in detail. After several seconds of sniffing, he said, "It smells just like the cocoa butter you wear every day," and also, "Oh, did you put on coconut oil?" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL EMPIRICAL DATA, FOLKS! (volume 16)

By the time I woke up I smelled nothing. Like less than the amount of times I want to hear LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" again, amounts of nothing. So, roughly -29834902 amount of scent.

But I had not finished with this experiment. Maybe I just hadn't used enough. A few days later, I tried to dab it on my wrist gracefully by tipping the bottle and making direct skin-to-glass contact, like I was Elizabeth Taylor in a GD White Diamonds commercial, and ended up splashing it all over myself and the floor. I am not made for the glamorous life. Needless to say, I had a lot more extract on my skin.

A few hours later, I again smelled nothing. C'est Fini. I'm over it.

Conclusion: This is pointless and sucks. Save yourself the heartache and splash zone and use it to bake some MF-ing Martha Stewart cookies. And unless J Love wants to sell me her actual hair, I'm not buying her bullshit again.

Antiperspirant Swap: Green Tidings Natural Deodorant

This is not my first foray into natural deodorants. I used to use one that was locally made and had, like, two ingredients (I KNOW, HIPSTER-ASS-HIPSTER). It worked really well, but it also irritated my armpits like a mofo.

Riddle me this: why can I put a GD ocean of chemicals on my pits and nary a bump pops up, but when I use the natural shit it's Burnapalooza 2015, with Rash Fest on the side stage? How is this the way that life works? Cover that in the 2016 presidential debate, plz.

This time I went for the Green Tidings Extra Strength Natural Deodorant in Lavender, because it was on Amazon Prime, and I'm a lazy-ass-lazy. It was $14.99, which I feel is pretty excessive in the ol' cost department, but what can I say? I still bought it.

I've been using the deodorant for about a week, and here's what I've found: As far as making me not smelly, I would say it works pretty well. It's like one million degrees outside, and if I get whore-in-a-church sweaty, I just have to reapply and I'm fine. I've worked out while wearing it, too, and felt a touch stank, but nothing over-the-top.

(Youngsters, this gif is from the movie Over the Top. Never watch it.)

In the rashy department, things are pretty meh. I try to wait as long as possible to apply this stuff, especially after shaving, but it's still all a little burn-y. And sometimes irritation is included in that goody bag. This is what the company says about pit irritation:

A rash can be due to the any of the following: 

1)  Detox reaction.  This is your body expelling all the nasty ingredients from your previous toxic deodorant, and finally having the freedom to sweat naturally again.  This type of rash clears up within 1 month.  You can try to go without any deodorant whenever you can, or use the vinegar spray, below, while your body detoxes.

2) pH adjustment.  For some, the deodorant will irritate the skin as the body adjusts to its pH levels.  Sometimes this can even occur after having used the deodorant for some time.  A simple remedy is to combine 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar with one cup of distilled water.  Spray underarms.  Let dry.  Then apply  deodorant.  Repeat for a week.  If this does not work, take 1 week off from the deodorant and use only the vinegar spray (which will help with odor, too).  Begin using the deodorant again after a week has passed. 

3) Skin irritation due to one of the ingredients.  Your body could be sensitive to one of the natural ingredients.  Lavender essential oil is irritating to some,  Stop using if this is the case, and contact us at

I can tell you this -- I WILL NOT partake in extra steps of spraying vinegar and all of that shitty pit jazz. It's not that serious.

Conclusion: I'm going to stick with my natural and irritated pit concoction for now. It works pretty well, and it's worth it to me. If you have armpits of steel, I would suggest this. If your pits have the constitution of a Victorian Lady, you might want to do a hard pass on this one.

Now I'm off to oil pull, drink the eff out of some apple cider vinegar and put coconut oil on everything, all while Latisse-ing my lashes into Muppet territory.

 Peace and love. Peace and love.

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Friday, March 21, 2014

New Favorite Mofo Friday: Shailene Woodley Wants Us To Be Pregnant With The World

pic via people
Because I'm solidly an old person now, I never really knew who this Shailene Woodley person was. I pretty much thought she was that one girl from 90210. But apparently I have been way, way missing out on a kooky bitch, and I LOVE A KOOKY BITCH. (And I don't mean that in the sense of having a p-word, every human's a b. I'm like Jesse Pinkman in that way.)

I kind had an inkling that homegirl was a little interesting when I read somewhere a while back that she likes to forage for food, and eats shit she finds on the side of the road, like she's on an episode of GD Extreme Cheapskates. 

But if that didn't pique my interest enough, she sure as eff has my attention now. Shailene was giving an assload of interesting factoids about her perfect weirdness the other night at the premiere of that Divergent movie. Here are a couple of the finer points:
  • “I like to … give my vagina a little vitamin D … If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine.” GO OUTSIDE AND SUN YOUR NO NOs. Maybe with one of those foldy tinfoil-y things under it, like you're an asshole villian guy in an 80s summer-themed movie!

  • On her favorite beauty tip: “Get in a bath and look at your body and be like, ‘Wow, thank you so much for hosting my mind and my heart,’ like as women you know, and also be pregnant with the world. I think that’s really beautiful beauty advice, like, close your eyes and think about all of the other women out there who aren’t in positions to be on a red carpet in Hollywood tonight enjoying this beautiful weather and all of these beautiful smiles and put those women in your womb and be pregnant with them and send them love.” I don't really want to be pregnant with anything, EXCEPT ALL OF THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD.

Celebrities should probably just stop giving interviews, because no one can ever say anything weirder than that. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

How To Get Hair So Glossy That It Might Blind a B*tch.

If this were last year, I would have totally called this post "Hair That Shines Bright Like A Diamond," but as per ush, my ass is a day late and a dollar effin' short. Either way, I've got some super simpleton tips to get locks so shiny and glossy that they will inspire a new fairy tale entitled, "Glossy Locks." Duh.

Get Rid of the Josie Grossie-ness

the clarifyers: apple cider vinegar and clarifying shampoo
One of the biggest culprits of dull head hairs is excess buildup of gross sh*t like products and residue. Think of it this way -- your hair can hang on to stuff like your favorite pair of black leggings. After the day is done, you've got errrythang from Cheetos fingerprints to blanket lint all up on that mess.  You need something to get a clean slate.

That's where clarifying treatments come in. There are a couple of roads you can take to Shine Town, and one of my favorites routes is apple cider vinegar. I've used ACV for a ton of sh*t from facial toner to drinking it on the daily, but we can get into all that hootenanny later. The ACV hair rinse is crazy easy; just mix equal parts ACV with water, then apply to your hair by just dumping it over or by spritzing it on with a spray bottle after you finish shampooing. Leave it on for a few minutes, rinse, and your ass is done.

If that seems too granola for your beauty routine, don't worry. Neutrogena makes a great, cheap clarifying shampoo that works quite nicely. I recommend clarifying, in whatever effin' way works for your life, once a week for normal heads, or twice a week for oily messes (AKA me). But one word of warning, if you have very delicate hair, or like fire engine red dyed hair, consult a pro before doing any of this. I don't want to get any hate Hallmark cards because I ruined your hair game.

Use a Gloss-inducing Conditioner

molton brown london plum-kadu glossing conditioner, $30
As you can tell from this well-loved bottle of glossing conditioner that the Molton Brown peeps sent me, I'm way into glossy ass conditioners. Whenever I use this stuff people are all, "Why's your hair so damn shiny?" And I'm all, "Why are you up in my business?" (Just kidding, I thank them like a normal human.) This sh*t is the truth.

Here's the deal with condtioners -- you don't necessarily need a really heavy, moisturizing conditioner when looking for shiny hair. Sometimes heavier conditioners end up leaving hair looking dull and weighed down, so instead look for something that screams SHINE, SHINY, GLOSSY, FLOSSY B*TCH all over it. That's the ticket.

Bonus Tip: Right before you get out of the shower, blast your mop with really cold water. It seals in that really shiny shine.

Get Yo' Oil On

my b's: kitoko oil treatment and josie maran argan oil hair serum
I've talked about these little beauts before, but I'm still Beyoncé-style crazy in love with hair oils. Nothing else makes my hair feel as glossy and luxurious as these badass boys. The good good on hair oils are that they do great ish like keep your hair cuticle smooth, while protecting hair from the medieval torture devices of flat irons and curling wands, without weighing down and getting hair all filmy. If you haven't jumped on this friggin' bandwagon yet, I don't know what you're waiting on, but it's time, yo.

Bonus Tip: If you STILL need more shine, try a clear hair glaze to just get ridiculous amounts of gloss in this b.

Your hair's going to be so shiny, the world best be wearing shades.

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Monday, May 13, 2013

Adding Crack-y Fuel to My Crazy Addiction: Lip Chap Edition

This is usually how I feel in life, and there are deep roots to this issue --

NO, I don't have a drug addiction issue, I have a LIP PRODUCT ISSUE. See, I took Accutane for acne when I was 15 or 16, and it caused my lips to be so mother effing dry that they cracked and peeled all around my mouth. It was a sexy, sexy time, and I had to keep some kind of lip sh*t on my person at all times. So ever since then, I've been all...

To say that I've tried a trabajillion kinds of chapsticks, treatments, blams, blahhhhhs is (hardly) an exaggeration. And I have now added some beast level sh*t to my arsenal.

me & the girls mentha revive lip moisturizer lipstick topper and base, $7
Meet the Mentha Revive Lip Moisturizer Lipstick Topper and Base from me & the girls -- This. B*tch. I am in love with this w. With full disclosure, I haven't used it as a base or topper for lipstick, because I can't even make it there. I just want solo time with this stuff. It's like a hybrid Kenny G/Michael Bolton of mullets in the lip balm world; all smoothness, with business in the front and party in the back.

yeah, boo. it's that smooth.
Plus, it's good for your ass (not your ASS ass) and vegan. Check out more deets and get your own here, because I'm not sharing this lip chap with you b's. MY LIPS FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE BUTTER ON THEM, AND BUTTER IS DAMN DELICIOUS.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I'm Totally Into This Mess

 Let me start off by saying that I'm full-on jealous as hell that I didn't go to Coachella. I'm totally a dirty hippie at heart (Dr. Bronner's 4 EVA!), minus the dirt and the outdoor stuff. I'm going next year and I don't give an ish if I'm too old. If Pacey's old bones can go, I can too.

Anyway, Katy Perry showed up to Coachella with a new hair color: dark purple. And I love it! I wasn't that into the blue (or even the blonde), but this is super hot. It helps that her eyebrow game is on point in this picture, too. Those things are kickin' it, honey boo boo.  If I were 10 years younger (or even five) I would rock the hell out of this hair. (And that dress! Minus the flower...) But instead,  10 years ago I looked like this:

My. God.
Yes, I am wearing a children's Eeyore shirt that I have fashioned into a cropped halter top. What you can't see is that my friend is wearing a matching outfit. (I cropped her out to protect her identity. I know she'll read this -- you're welcome.) Oh, the early 2000's...You truly were quite a gem.

Guess who else was there (except for, like, everyone)? Oh, Linds. You are such a card. I seriously don't know what kind of artificial nonsense you have pumped into your mug, but is it bad that I like it? I know I shouldn't approve of a 25 year old (!!!) getting fillers or whatever in her face, but she's looking refreshed! And her hair? It's so Victoria's Secret Angel-y! This is the least dirty Lilo has looked in YEARS and she's at Coachella. It's a Coachella miracle!

What do you guys think? Do you like Katy's purple hair? How about Lilo's work? Let's dish on this ish.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

This is...Different.

Here's a video of (forever in my mind) Cher Horowitz feeding her kid by chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of the loop in life. Is this a thing? Do people spit in their baby's mouths? Wouldn't your kid be hanging on your mouth all the time like one of these things?

I'm not going to lie. This ish freaks me out a little. I would be all:

Okay, maybe not that harsh. It is an infant, after all.

What do you guys think? Is this ish 'normaling'?

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Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Have Been Living a Lie...And You're Going to Hate Me!

I have totally been hiding something from you guys, and it is HIGH time that my ol' shady ass comes clean. (Why does that sound gross for some reason?)

Time for my confession...

I have been wearing Toms. AND I LOVE THEM. I know, I know. We talked about this. And you all gave me a big ass "NAY" over it.  You don't even know me anymore, do you?

Just hear me out for a minute. It's not my fault. I blame Whole Foods. I was shopping for fun stuff like kale and wheatgrass (See, I'm totally in the Toms demographic!), and I came upon the Toms section at Whole Foods (Yes, that exists, weirdly enough.). I always linger there for a moment, and this time there was a pair for 50% off! I was all, "What the eff. When in Rome..." and snatched them up.

That was it for me. After the initial breaking in (one day of semi-discomfort), I felt like this:

It was like angels were carrying my feet upon their feathery wings!!! (Note: Not AS comfortable as that, but pretty, pretty close.) And I actually found them to be cute! I know, what the eff? Am I a step away from wearing the devil's handmaidens? AKA these:

If you said "Yes," you better quit playin' b. Ain't happening. Sidenote: Crocs, please stop trying to be cute. Just accept that you are the 2000's version of a water shoe/Teva sandal-with-socks hybrid and call it a day.


You can trust that I will never cross over to THAT dark side.

See! I'm still me! Don't hate me...I'm still a girly heels girl at heart. I just have a semi-split hippie personality (With extra dirtiness!).

I'm just being Miley! (I hate myself.)

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Sunday, November 20, 2011

More Adventures in Natural Beauty Weirdness!

Today we are covering the magical world of apple cider vinegar. If you search the interwebs, there are approximately 90928409382890 uses for this stuff. From drinking it for weight loss (I'll leave that to other crazies), to skincare, to hair, apple cider vinegar is quite the little multitasker! I mixed equal parts filtered water and apple cider vinegar in a spray bottle, and I got to major work.

First, I covered hair work. Apple cider vinegar is a great clarifying agent, and it supposedly will help your hair grow by de-gunking (Yeah, so not a word. Whatevs.) your hair follicles and getting your oil glands on your scalp to work better. Yay for all of that nonsense! I sprayed this on after shampooing, left on for five minutes, rinsed, and then did a light conditioner, which I rinsed immediately. The result? I'm totally into it! My hair felt shiny and healthy. I'll probably do this once a week. I did read that it can strip color out of hair, so watch out for that mess.

My next experiment was on my face. ACV (That's what the cool kids say!) can also be used to treat acne. Word is that it helps balance the PH levels (whatever the eff that means) naturally. I use it after my other hippie face concoction (the one with the Dr. Bronner's and the Obagi with the Clarisonic brush), and I'm sold...So far! I'll let you guys know if anything crazy happens. Once again, if you have sensitive skin, you might want to use a weaker concoction. I'm not a doctor. I don't know anything!

If you guys give this a try, let me know how you like it!

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Be A Hot Dirty (I Mean Clean) Hippie

On a recent trip to my parents' house, I discovered a new hippie/fantastic beauty item. My stepsister is very organic/outdoorsy/vegan, and she had left some Dr. Bonner's Peppermint Magic Soap in the shower. My cousin used it, and started freaking out saying how great it was. I didn't get a chance to use it, but when I got back home I decided to get some and see what all of the fuss was about.

I got this huge bottle at Target for $16.99. I originally wanted to use it just as body wash, which I did, and it was awesome. It gives you a minty, clean feeling that makes you feel tingly (not in a gross way). Then, I decided to use it to clean my makeup brushes. Holy ish, you guys! Those b's were the cleanest they have ever been, for serious. At this point, I'm on a Dr. Bronner's Peppermint high! I need to keep going! That's when I came up with my masterpiece...

I mixed the Dr. Bronner's with Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub and Obagi Foaming Gel. I know that this sounds like a crazy hippie/yuppie hybrid with an identity crisis, but I don't give an eff! My face has NEVER felt so soft. This morning, I used the Dr. Bronner's and the Obagi on my Clarisonic brush, and it was ahhhh-mazing, too. (Just watch out for your eyeballs!) I read that the peppermint version isn't good for the sensitive-skinned sisters, so keep that in mind. But they also have milder versions, like lavender.

You can also use this stuff for boring crap like cleaning your house, laundry, and hand soap. Blah, blah, blah. I don't care about any of that. All is know is I love this ish. Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Magic Soap FOR EVA!!!

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