Showing posts with label Nature Type Things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nature Type Things. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Beauty Science Fair: I Tried Really, Really Natural Beauty Products


I go through weird cycles in my life, where at the pinnacle of thinking every single thing on Earth is probably slowly turning all of my cells into tiny Chernobyl victims, I find myself trying to be more natural in my beauty product choices. I know, I know. Me: the one with the fake boobs, and the fake highlights, and the Botox and the Latisse. I KNOW. I'm a damn lie and a hypocrite, but every little bit counts. (???)


I recently read somewhere (where? I don't know, that would be too responsible) that the two most toxic beauty products are perfumes and antiperspirants. So, I thought that I would try to find natural alternatives to my typical shit: slatherings on slatherings of Dove deodorant and an epidermis sprayed to the hilt with Marc Jacobs Honey.

The following is a true account of these naturalistic trials and tribulations.

Fragrance Swap: Vanilla Extract


I remember reading a few years ago that Jennifer Love Hewitt used vanilla extract as a perfume, and she was quoted as saying, "Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'" Insert your own one billion eyerolls here. You can quote me on that.

So, a couple nights ago I decided to give this complete douchey-nonsense-sounding-nonsense a whirl, and put some on my wrists and neck right before bed. When I first put on the vanilla extract, I detected slight notes of cat pee and it felt kind of sticky, but both seemed to fade over time.

I forced my husband to smell my wrist and describe what he smelled in detail. After several seconds of sniffing, he said, "It smells just like the cocoa butter you wear every day," and also, "Oh, did you put on coconut oil?" NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL EMPIRICAL DATA, FOLKS! (volume 16)


By the time I woke up I smelled nothing. Like less than the amount of times I want to hear LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" again, amounts of nothing. So, roughly -29834902 amount of scent.

But I had not finished with this experiment. Maybe I just hadn't used enough. A few days later, I tried to dab it on my wrist gracefully by tipping the bottle and making direct skin-to-glass contact, like I was Elizabeth Taylor in a GD White Diamonds commercial, and ended up splashing it all over myself and the floor. I am not made for the glamorous life. Needless to say, I had a lot more extract on my skin.

A few hours later, I again smelled nothing. C'est Fini. I'm over it.

Conclusion: This is pointless and sucks. Save yourself the heartache and splash zone and use it to bake some MF-ing Martha Stewart cookies. And unless J Love wants to sell me her actual hair, I'm not buying her bullshit again.

Antiperspirant Swap: Green Tidings Natural Deodorant


This is not my first foray into natural deodorants. I used to use one that was locally made and had, like, two ingredients (I KNOW, HIPSTER-ASS-HIPSTER). It worked really well, but it also irritated my armpits like a mofo.

Riddle me this: why can I put a GD ocean of chemicals on my pits and nary a bump pops up, but when I use the natural shit it's Burnapalooza 2015, with Rash Fest on the side stage? How is this the way that life works? Cover that in the 2016 presidential debate, plz.

This time I went for the Green Tidings Extra Strength Natural Deodorant in Lavender, because it was on Amazon Prime, and I'm a lazy-ass-lazy. It was $14.99, which I feel is pretty excessive in the ol' cost department, but what can I say? I still bought it.

I've been using the deodorant for about a week, and here's what I've found: As far as making me not smelly, I would say it works pretty well. It's like one million degrees outside, and if I get whore-in-a-church sweaty, I just have to reapply and I'm fine. I've worked out while wearing it, too, and felt a touch stank, but nothing over-the-top.

(Youngsters, this gif is from the movie Over the Top. Never watch it.)

In the rashy department, things are pretty meh. I try to wait as long as possible to apply this stuff, especially after shaving, but it's still all a little burn-y. And sometimes irritation is included in that goody bag. This is what the company says about pit irritation:

A rash can be due to the any of the following: 

1)  Detox reaction.  This is your body expelling all the nasty ingredients from your previous toxic deodorant, and finally having the freedom to sweat naturally again.  This type of rash clears up within 1 month.  You can try to go without any deodorant whenever you can, or use the vinegar spray, below, while your body detoxes.

2) pH adjustment.  For some, the deodorant will irritate the skin as the body adjusts to its pH levels.  Sometimes this can even occur after having used the deodorant for some time.  A simple remedy is to combine 1 tbsp. apple cider vinegar with one cup of distilled water.  Spray underarms.  Let dry.  Then apply  deodorant.  Repeat for a week.  If this does not work, take 1 week off from the deodorant and use only the vinegar spray (which will help with odor, too).  Begin using the deodorant again after a week has passed. 

3) Skin irritation due to one of the ingredients.  Your body could be sensitive to one of the natural ingredients.  Lavender essential oil is irritating to some,  Stop using if this is the case, and contact us at support@greentidings.org.

I can tell you this -- I WILL NOT partake in extra steps of spraying vinegar and all of that shitty pit jazz. It's not that serious.

Conclusion: I'm going to stick with my natural and irritated pit concoction for now. It works pretty well, and it's worth it to me. If you have armpits of steel, I would suggest this. If your pits have the constitution of a Victorian Lady, you might want to do a hard pass on this one.

Now I'm off to oil pull, drink the eff out of some apple cider vinegar and put coconut oil on everything, all while Latisse-ing my lashes into Muppet territory.


 Peace and love. Peace and love.








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Monday, August 20, 2012

What's The Deal With Argan Oil, Anyway? (Jerry Seinfeld Voice)

You seriously can't swing a dic...tionary (See what I did there?) without seeing something about how freakin' AMAZEBALLS (I'm using that ironically; I hate it.) Argan oil is for everything from your face to body to hair. I have used some kind of Argan oil product on my hair for probably the last five years, when Moroccan Oil shoved Biosilk to the curb. Oh, Biosilk...That mess was my jam FOR. EV. A.

But beyond that, I never really explored any other beauty products with Argan oil, or even really known what it was. I read a bunch about it on Wikipedia, then I promptly forgot it all. But I do remember that originally they harvested the nuts or whatever from goat poop. Enjoy that nugget (har, har) of knowledge.

If you don't remember this, ugggggh.
 It comes from the kernel (nut?) of the Argan tree, which kind of looks like a bigger version of Mr. Miyagi's Bonsai tree. Part of the process has to be done by hand, so that's probably why that ish is pretty expensive. So quit your bitching, unless you want to crack the nuts yourself.

pic via wikipedia
Okay, enough about real information. Let's get to the good good. I must confess, I haven't used Argan oil on my face. But I have been using Tarte's Maracuja Oil, that I got as part of a cosmetic set.

$46, QVC
It's not as thick as Argan oil, and mine is a little mini size that has a roller ball deal on the top, which is pretty bad as eff. But I have taken to using this stuff as a night time moisturizer, and I love it. My face feels ridic soft in the morning, and not super oily. Which is weird, because well, it's a friggin' oil.

Okay, back to the topic at hand, Argan oil. On my hunt for awesome products containing the ol' magical oil, I discovered that Kiehl's has a full line of Argan oil based products for both hair and body. And Kiehl's is obvi the bee's knees, so I harassed them until they let me try them. Just kidding -- they are totally nice, and did not file a restraining order -- yet.

For body lotions/oils, I fell hard for two products: the Superbly Restorative Argan Body Lotion ($38) and the Superbly Restorative Argan Dry Oil ($34).


I am usually a body oil kind of girl, and I don't mind a greasy one. (All of that sounded super inappropriate.) But this oil is absorbed quickly, and moisturizes the hell out ya skin. And the lotion is equally as fabulous. My main problem with lotion, generally, is that I feel like it just "sits" on top of my skin and feels filmy. But this leaves my skin feel soft and silky. And they both have a kind of citrusy, nutty, non-perfumey smell that I totally enjoy. I feel like even dudes could use these. I seriously can't choose which one I like more. Don't make me Sophie's Choice it up in this b.

For the hair situation, I also have found some badassery with Argan oil. For a super moisturizing hair masque,  Kiehl's Superbly Smoothing Argan Hair Pak ($25) is the business. It's not crazy heavy and oily, and it's silicone and paraben-free. I use it about once a week, and it makes my hair like butta.


I was also given an Argan oil leave-in to try, coming from a company that is new to me. It's called U LUXURY Argan Oil (about $48) from Unite Hair, and this has become my daily down a*s b. I like this more than the shall-remain-unnamed Argan oil that I have been using for about the past year, and even more than the original Moroccan Oil. It has yet to make my hair feel oily, or over-productized. (Listen, I know that that is not even close to being a word, but just go with it.) You know that feeling, when you've used too much crap in your hair? And you get that sinking feeling of "Oh, ish. I'm going to have to wash this mop all over again, aren't I?" Not with this lil' lady, you won't.

So what did we learn today? Rubbing nut juice all over your face, hair, and body is super good for it. ( SOMEONE STOP THESE WORDS FROM COMING FROM MY FINGERS. IT'S ALL TOO MUCH.) But seriously, Argan oil is friggin' boss, you guys. Even for this oily b. Do you guys have a favorite Argan (or other type of oil) product? TELL ME EVERYTHING.



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