Showing posts with label I Love Your Ass. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Love Your Ass. Show all posts

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Here's Your BFF Jennifer Lawrence, Who You May Or May Not Be Over

Are you still into J Law(r)? Or are you of the camp that thinks her whole deal is a shtick-y shtick shtick and you've had just about enough of her bullshit? Like the whole, "LOLZ I FELL AGAIN" thing is definitely a thing now, but I happen to still find this little Hot Pocket endearing as eff, and I hate everyone, but that's just one layperson's opinion.

I did glean an interesting bit from this video -- Jenny LIKES A BOOTCUT JEAN. How Jennifer Aniston 2.0 of her! I bet she slathers on the Aveeno, too.

I wonder if hanging out with Jen 2.0 is like going zip lining. At first you're like, "This shit is fun," but around zip line seven of ten you're more, "I think I'm done and I might vomit if I don't get this GD helmet off."

JK, JL. I love annoying zip lines and I would soar through the sky forever with you. Islands in the stream, that is what we are.

I've had wine.

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Monday, December 8, 2014

Bronzy Beauts: My Favorite Shimmery Neutral Shadows At Every Price

I love a bronze eye on basically every-damn-one. It's one of those pretty universally flattering shades, regardless of skin tone/hair/eye color/friggin' astrological sign/whatever. It's just a go-to deal for me -- if I find myself in one of those what-am-I-even-doing-with-a-face-today moods, I throw on a bronze-ish eyeshadow and move on to not caring about another topic.

Because I have really been on that bronze train for the long-haul, I've come across my fair share of great shadows. So here is a complete roundup of my favorites, with bonus picks, because I'm indecisive like woah.

The Super-Power (Susan) Powders

My pick for high-end shadow is probably the eyeshadow I use more than anything else on this silly ol' planet, and that is Smog from the OG Urban Decay Naked Palette ($54). You can also buy it solo ($18), if that tickles your fancy more specifically. The lighting on this picture is half-shitty, so just take my word for it when I tell you that Smog is bronze with a dash of olive. It's perfect, in my eyes. And on my eyes.

For a drugstore shadow, I've chosen the nameless bronze (it's the fourth one over on the top row) from the Maybelline The Nudes Palette ($10). The shade of this dude is very similar to Smog, and the texture is pretty solid. It's just a little less silky than some of the more expensive brands. For the price, I can totally live with it. I'm not THAT much of a princess. This is still good shit.

I also chose two runners-up for powder shadows, and it seems that both of these cats may or may not be discontinued.

Baroque from the Kat Von D True Romance Palette seems to be completely gone from the Sephora website (RIP), and the Revlon PhotoReady Graffiti shadows seem to be only available on Amazon. Well, a day late and a dollar short are kind of my life themes, so at least I'm consistent?

If you do seem to happen upon either of these shadows, they're both more of a "true bronze" than the other two. If that's a thing. 

 I Don't Think You're Ready For This Gel(y)

So, remember 3.6 seconds ago when everything was discontinued and I sucked? Apparently my selection for the best high-end gel shadow, the Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows, are also discontinued. MUFE sent me some of these gel shadow pencils a while back, AND I LOVE THEM. Looks like I'll be taking up hoarding.

Luckily, it looks like the Aqua Shadows have been replaced with the Aqua Matic ($21), and this Satiny Warm Brown shade looks really similar to the old-school #22E bronze baby. So I'm not THE WORST the worst. Just almost.

For a more affordable gel-ish option, I really can't get enough of ColourPop in Game Face ($5). It's the bronziest of the bronze, and has a liquid metal finish. It also costs less than a Venti large coffee from Starbucks. So pretty much "Gimme (Gimme) More" was written about these shadows. I need them all.

My honorable mention goes to Maybelline Color Tattoo in Bad to the Bronze ($6.99). This almost has more of a golden taupe hue, so it's a little cooler-toned. Color Tattoo shadows are really pretty badass, because they last FOREVER. Like, I had trouble washing the swatch off of my arm levels of forever. If you have trouble with your shadow lasting all day, this will change your damn life.

life-changing makeup moment
Okay, that's it. I've exhausted my bronze shadow files. If you have others that you think I need to try, let my ass know. I clearly can never have enough. And on that note...


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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Top 10 Very Best Things About Britney Spears

Happy National Britney Jean Spears Day! (It's not an official national holiday, but it is in my heart.) Today is Brit Brit's 33rd birthday, so I will be celebrating in the only way that I know how -- by counting down my top ten favorite things about the world's biggest Cheetos lover.

Let's talk about all Britney everythang.

#10 -- The K Fed wedding

The Britney/K Fed era was a weird time, man. It brought about terrible things like that reality show, but also amazing treasures like this wedding picture. (Other wonders not pictured: tiara and glove-lettes.)

Other people have the JFK/Jackie O/some kind of royal wedding to hang their hopes and dreams upon -- I have this.

#9 -- That wayward eyelash

I really hope I can forget this moment one day. I still feel weird and sad about it.

When Britney gave Matt Lauer an interview in 2006, she got sad and cried over something (I can't be bothered to google what it was) like she is wont to do, and this resulted in a dangling fake eyelash hanging by a damn fiber from her eye. Whatever, shit happens. BUT THEN IT STAYED THAT WAY FOR THE DURATION OF THE INTERVIEW.

Does Brit not have a lash wrangler? Or a friend? Or a next-door neighbor to pop by for a cup of friggin' sugar? Damn people, that was cold.

#8 -- "Oops!...I Did It Again" acting

Brit's acting starting at 2:50 is one of my favorite things on Earth. I'm not joking even slightly. If I'm feeling shitty, I can watch just that few seconds of true thespian-ism and feel instantly better. And when the "OOPS, I..." starts in, it's like being born into a better universe.

P.S. Can we please take note of how hard current-day Ariana Grande is biting Britney's style from this video? Inappropriate on all levels.

#7 -- ACTING acting

CROSSROADS, YOU GUYS. CROSSROADS. Britney is wearing a bucket hat. I don't think I need to say anything more about this.

#6 -- A fondness for chokers and frappuccinos

Brit has two loves in her life, both of which really bring her zero benefits. Firstly, homegirl LOVES frappuccinos more than anyone loves anything, really. She goes through periods when she's on boring diets and shit and goes without them, and when that happens, my heart breaks for her. It's like Rose letting ol' Jack Dawson drift off into a watery coffin in Titanic. (SPOILER ALERT!) But more sad.

Her second lover brings a simmering rage to my eyeballs like few things can, but when you love someone, you look past their truly horrific choker decisions. Brit doesn't care that chokers look terrible on her. She doesn't even care that all the chokers in her choker collection are dreadful.

She's simply about that choker life, and I respect her choices.

#5 -- Weave probz

Britney has had a pretty melodramatic and well-documented history of problems with her extensions. So why is this on a list of things that I love about B? Because it, once again, shows how little effs she gives.

Work those weave tracks, Brit. The world can get off your jock.

#4 -- Social media Brit Brit

A video posted by Britney Spears (@britneyspears) on

I've posted this Instagram video of Brit before, but there's no denying its extreme levels of adorableness. Her contributions to social media are often confusing and delightful. It's like your Gam Gam trying to use Facebook, AKA THE BEST.

#3 -- The sexiest MTV VMAs moment, ever

If you didn't die a thousand deaths when Brit ripped off that suit, I'm assuming it's because you weren't alive when it happened. Watching this still gives me chills, and I will not be judged for it. It was amazing.

#2 -- X Factor faces

Britney's faces were so fire on X Factor that there's an entire Tumblr dedicated to them. These are the only reactions I need in my life.

#1 -- Denim on denim on denim (with an assist from Justin Timberlake)

via mtv

Nothing in history has ever been better than this moment.  Try to find a single flaw in this photo. I Highlights-magazine-hidden-picture dare you. It's impossible.

Happy Birthday, Brit! Keep doing you.

Did I miss any of your favorite Britney moments? Let's talk more about our favorite person.

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Thursday, September 4, 2014

If You're Having A Rough Week, Here's The Cutest Baby Hippo Alive

CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE THIS? The answer is either: a) doy, you can't, or b) you're a GD monster.

According to Buzzfeed, this beautiful little muffin is Olivia, and she's a one-month-old pygmy hippo living in a zoo in Sweden. So she's pretty much a damn international treasure.

Look at that little puppy butt! And those ears!

She's just a little piece of perfect, rubbery pie. I want to squish her little rolls together all day long.

And let's be real -- she's probably named after Olivia Benson, as every human should be. OLIVIA 4EVA!!!

via buzzfeed / pics via zoo's facebook

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Thursday, July 31, 2014

A Video Roundup Version Of Chicken Soup For The Soul

You know I'm a sucka ass sucka for videos. But I don't want to watch some "Gangnam Style" bullshit, I want to see things that soothe my soul. With this in mind, I have compiled some of my favorite videos that I have come across in the past couple days, in hopes that they will bring comfort and joy to you and yours.

DMX on a Slingshot

WARNING: NSFW LANGUAGE LIKE WOAH. This is DMX. Don't go bumping this as you walk into your boss' office with a boombox on your shoulder. (I don't know your work environment, but it sounds super-cool.)

I do have some questions and/or ponderings about this video. Is DMX using the audio from this as an intro to a new song? I feel like he's putting on a bit of a show here. You know that he's not sitting at home, binge-watching Game of Thrones, and barking like a dog. He's eating Twizzlers and popcorn, and drinking wine slushies like the rest of us. Stop playing, Mr. X. #celebritiesarejustlikeus

Paranormal Pugtivity

I don't even really have anything that I can add to this. No comments or embellishments are needed on perfection. Play on, player.

This Person Dancing

I literally have zero information about the circumstances in which this video was shot, but I don't even really need to know. This girl is flawless. She clearly enjoys pumping up the jam, so you best take several steps back. I just really hope that she's on a good glucosamine and chondroitin supplement. I'm concerned about the health of her shoulder joints.

Happy Thursay, mofos.

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Friday, March 21, 2014

New Favorite Mofo Friday: Shailene Woodley Wants Us To Be Pregnant With The World

pic via people
Because I'm solidly an old person now, I never really knew who this Shailene Woodley person was. I pretty much thought she was that one girl from 90210. But apparently I have been way, way missing out on a kooky bitch, and I LOVE A KOOKY BITCH. (And I don't mean that in the sense of having a p-word, every human's a b. I'm like Jesse Pinkman in that way.)

I kind had an inkling that homegirl was a little interesting when I read somewhere a while back that she likes to forage for food, and eats shit she finds on the side of the road, like she's on an episode of GD Extreme Cheapskates. 

But if that didn't pique my interest enough, she sure as eff has my attention now. Shailene was giving an assload of interesting factoids about her perfect weirdness the other night at the premiere of that Divergent movie. Here are a couple of the finer points:
  • “I like to … give my vagina a little vitamin D … If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine.” GO OUTSIDE AND SUN YOUR NO NOs. Maybe with one of those foldy tinfoil-y things under it, like you're an asshole villian guy in an 80s summer-themed movie!

  • On her favorite beauty tip: “Get in a bath and look at your body and be like, ‘Wow, thank you so much for hosting my mind and my heart,’ like as women you know, and also be pregnant with the world. I think that’s really beautiful beauty advice, like, close your eyes and think about all of the other women out there who aren’t in positions to be on a red carpet in Hollywood tonight enjoying this beautiful weather and all of these beautiful smiles and put those women in your womb and be pregnant with them and send them love.” I don't really want to be pregnant with anything, EXCEPT ALL OF THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD.

Celebrities should probably just stop giving interviews, because no one can ever say anything weirder than that. I LOVE THIS GIRL.

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Thursday, March 6, 2014

Tina Fey Is Possibly My Favorite Human, Parts I And II (And III)

Overall, when it comes to humans, I'm all, "meh." Some people are okay, but a lot are kind of not. I hinted at my love for TF yesterday, but just in case you aren't 100% convinced that she's pretty much the best, let's look at some evidence.

Part I, for your consideration...

"I didn't look like...a...person," is completely relatable to me, because this:

Many parts of my life have been spent in limbo between being a possible homo sapien, and maybe a weird troll-ish Russian fairy tale creature that favors Z Cavaricci pants, so I understand this sentiment.

Part II is comprised of she and Jimmy Fallon being completely adorable together in this lip flip bit from The Tonight Show. Funny people laughing at themselves is one of the best things, so jump on that figurative sleigh ride of joy.

If you still aren't convinced, and you have 16 minutes (you do, stop pretend being busy), watch her episode of Jerry Seinfeld's web series "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" here. She's a mf-ing delight, and her hair looks fantastic.

And because she's so opaque to the public, and never reads about herself online, I can say this without nagging fears of rejection: I love you lots, Tina Fey. Never stop being so Tina Fey-ish. That's like writing "stay sweet," in someone's middle school yearbook, but better. Your brain (I won't say body, that's creepy and presumptuous) is a wonderland.

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Friday, December 13, 2013

Call the Police! Courtney Stodden Has Brown Head Hairs!

via eonline
Who is this ravishing beaut that looks like she's attending an amateur wigs-that-look-like-a-hair-band-groupie competition??? It's my favorite fetal sex kitten, C. Stodd! She effed with our brains and switched up her hair game by deciding to become a brunette, with extra crimp, pimp. She's also letting her rack breathe and going boob commando. How exciting!

I have to admit, I'm really jealous of Stoddie's baby fawn legs. Mine are like two honey baked hams, so my eyeballs are full of envy and acrylic french tips. But really, this picture of CS is really giving me flavors of this:

If you're worried about the freighting crimp job/creepy colored contacts combo from above, fear not. Just like Doug McOldiepantswhatever, she's not married to that look. Zing! Here's Courtney at the grocery store, looking like a simple and understated lady.

via nydailynews
Nothing says "I'm just picking up a few bags of frozen vegetable medley" like a miniskirt with a zipper that goes all the way up!

via realitytvgifs

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Monday, October 21, 2013

I've Never Been More Jealous Of Another Human.

Buzzfeed alerted me to the existence of this amazing dude named Chris Koo, doing an "eff, yes" version of Beyoncé's "Crazy In Love." I'm not even close to what you would call a Beyoncé fan, but baby boo just slayed that sh*t, solid. I'm not sure if young Chris Koo's (hot name, BTW) body even contains normal humanoid bones, or if they're made of Billy Cosby-sponsored Jello.

I'm also lucky that I don't currently own a Flowbee, or I would be attaching that sh*t to my vacuum immediately and putting the "flouncy, bouncy bowl cut" setting on my mop.

Here's the O.G. (AKA boring, vanilla soft serve sans sprinkles version with 100% less Chris Koo) version, if you need a refresher. I'm off to get a straw for my super sized non-haterade, because I love this guy.

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Monday, August 26, 2013

The Lazy Diaries: The Best Product to Get Yo' Self Tan on With Minimal Effort

Being lazy is almost a full-time job, you guys.

And looking like you have two effs to rub together, while still doing the bare minimum, really needs to be in the Olympics, because that ish is straight CHALLENGING. Especially if you're trying to keep your self tanning game tight and un-Lohan-ish.

I've been on a self tanning kick because I dyed my hair really dark, as I always tend to do, and if I don't maintain at least SOME level of self tan, I look like a dead, or at least undead, person. It's quite a conundrum. I also ran out of one of my other favorite lazy tanning products, Jergens Natural Glow Foaming Moisturizer, so I've been scavenging through all of my self tanning products that people have sent me and I've yet to try. That's when I came across this little delicious gumdrop of tan.

dr. dennis gross alpha beta glow pad for body, $45 for 8 pads
Here's the thing -- I really pretty much love every effing Dr. Dennis Gross product that I've ever tried, and I've even used the hell of the face version of these, so I don't really know what my dumb dumb effing deal was about not trying the body pads earlier. Sometimes I feel like I need to see receipts on my brain waves. Sh*t's spacey. (And not even cool like Kevin Spacey.)

Regardless of my bullsh*t, I finally got around to trying these things, and THEY ARE MY B*TCHES. This formula is the only full-on self tanner that I can actually use in the morning before work, get dressed 30 minutes later, and look like a reg person and not an insane (Clown Posse) one. And it takes me less than five minutes to apply. You rub the towel thingy on your skin in circles, follow up with body lotion, and that's it, kitten. You're on your tanned ass way.

Yeah, it's seriously that easy. And I'm about that life. My only gripe about these is that they aren't some damn magical box that replenishes itself at my demanding ass will.

Get your own damn lazy on here.

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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Exfolimate: The Weirdest Sh*t I've Ever Fallen In Love With

look at this b. just plastic and metal, but so badass.
The mates from Exolimate (duh, they're Australian) sent over a kit of their face and body exfoliators to me a couple of weeks ago. When I opened it, I was all, "What the eff is this effery???" I was expecting to find some sponge, or something, when I pulled out these plastic/metal things that looked like they would spread wallpaper paste.

exfolimate, $39.95 for set with face and body
Here's how this mess works -- while showering, you hold it at a 90 degree angle from your wet skin, and apply light pressure as you drag it across the skin's surface. If my description was too sh*tty for you, here's the official rules. You get the idea. It's really easy. I wasn't really expecting much from doing this. But, weirdly, this ish WORKS REALLY, REALLY WELL.


I'm mostly crushing on the face one, because it makes your skin feel crazy soft and it's so fast to use. The body one is also pretty boss, but it's a lot more time consuming (no doy) so I use it less. My laziness is well-documented. I'm about that life.

You can get a set for your own self by checking it out here.

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Monday, May 13, 2013

'Tis the End of My Era, and Somehow...50 Cent.

This crap is going to be semi-sentimental, and pretty much just about me. (ME, ME, ME!) So if you aren't feeling that, feel free to skip ahead. I'll put everything after the break, so you won't be bothered by my stupid life.

via makemelaughgifs

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Monday, February 25, 2013

More Random Argan Homies: Amir Leave-In Hair Treatment & Amir Touch of Tan Moisturizer

I know, I know. I can't stop talking about friggin' Argan Oil products. What can I say? I'm a big ol' bag of a-holes. But you guys, Argan is the good good. And I keep finding bomb-ass (shout out to '01) products that feature it. IT'S NOT MY FAULT, MAN.

First up is Amir Argan Oil Leave-In Hair Treatment. What I really love about this stuff is that it's lightweight. It's thinner than others I've used, so you can totally use it with a million other styling products without issue. And heeelllooo there pump, so glad you're here. The pump makes it a bajillion times easier to dispense than a lame-ass pour yourself deal, and you don't have to worry about taking too much oily goodness with each use. I mean, what am I, a damn peasant? PUMPS FOR ALL! Scizzzore to the peeps that decided on that little feature.

Now to my favorite Amir homie, the Agran Oil Touch of Tan Moisturizer. Let me tell you 'bout my best friend, here. It contains not only Argan Oil (duh) and Acai Berry, but a little bit of self tanner to give your skin a nice glow. I LOVE THIS ISH. It's not TOO tan-y, and it smells like a mother effing dream. A dream, I tell you. There is not a hint of that gross ass self tanner bleeeeh smell. It's lovely.

And here's a cool little tidbit. You can go to Amir's Facebook page and get a damn FREE sample of their Argan Oil Moisturizer. Yeaaaas, b. Yes. These are salon-sold professional products, so prices will vary according to where you buy them. If you want to find your closest retailer, you can call 1.800.386.2826 for the deets. (Or, if you want to be a hooligan, you can probs pick them up on Amazon. Rule-breaking badass.)

But you'll NEVER be on Latarian's level, so you better just quit while you're ahead.

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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

It's a Cheap Nudie Show! (For Lips, You Pervs.)

I feel like if you are a makeup kind of gal (gross, I hate that word), or even if you really aren't, you spend 67% of your beauty product browsing life looking for a badass nude/pinky lipstick that looks like your lips, but a touch sexier. And then when you happen to find one that's friggin' boss as hell, you cross your pinkie toes hoping that sh*t doesn't cost one billion dollars because it's made from diamonds derived from unicorn tears. And let me sidebar for a hot ass minute, while we're on unicorn tears. Look what I saw while perusing the clearance racks of DSW the other day, because I'm a cheap w.

I DESPERATELY wanted to buy these, because hello, there's a mother effin' CRYING UNICORN on them. You'd be insane not to hot glue these on your feet, but because I'm 3/4s elfin, b's were too big on my own unicorn hooves. Life blows, man.

Okay, back to lipstick perfection. I found a great nude/pinky lip, and IT'S A DRUGSTORE BRAND. Go ahead, kiss me now -- with those "your lips but better" lips of yours.

This is Revlon's Super Lustrous Lipstick in Pink Pearl. Ignore the fact that I'm the worst at life, and the top photo makes this mess look purplish. I don't know what the eff my general problem is. So let's take a look at the photo from, where Revlon products are currently buy one, get one half off:, $7.99
Yup, they clearly are much better at this stuff than I. I am of the pale and yellowish skin tone at the moment, and this stuff is the monkey's banana bread for me. I don't know how it will be on cooler skin tones, but it's pretty neutral, so I would give it a try. You can pick up Revlon, well, pretty much anywheres, people. Try it. SCORE FOR THE CHEAP AND NUDE TEAM!

Sorry, Gossy baby, I had to use that line. I didn't choose the game, the game chose me.

P.S. Can we all go get airbrushed t-shirt (or puffy paint, pick your poison) that read "Cheap n' Nude" and are emblazoned with crying unicorns?

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Why I Still Love Grumpy Cat, and I WILL NOT Stop the Effery.

She HATES cuddling. As do I -- get off my jock/personal space, other humans!
GC hates the outdoors. Being outside is TERRIBLE, you guys. It smells weird.
We both hate parties. TALKING TO ACTUAL PEOPLE?!? No.
She is NOT into grocery shopping. It's SO EFFING ANNOYING.
GC knows that being cold is SO GROSS.
We both know how HORRIBLE sports are. Why do people like this sh*t???
Are you guys sick of Grumpy Cat? Why can't I let her go? How do I move on with my life?

All photos via

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