Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

My Favorite Dry Hair Treatment Is Cheap As Hell

I recently bought a semi-expensive-ass hair mask/treatment/thing (don't worry, I'll tell you all about it if it's magical), but I don't even know why the f I'm playing with my own money. My favorite hair treatment costs a few dollars. Also, you can eat it.

Don't start sending me cases of those "crazy pills" you can buy from Spencer's yet, I'm not scooping out handfuls of Herbal Essence and ramming it into my pie hole, or anything. But while you're at the mall, make sure you pop a couple bottles of Sun Ripened Raspberry body spray from Bath and Body Works for old time's sake. Pour out a little for your homie Teddy Ruxspin, and shit. Maybe even for cassette tapes, while you're at it.

What am I even talking about?

Olive oil -- I'm talking about GD olive oil as a treatment for dry-as-hell hair. Actually, send my those pills. I think I need them.

Here's how to get moisturized, shiny hair from your kitchen cabinet:

Just get whatever-the-hell olive oil you feel like using or have on hand. You don't have to use my bougie-ass organic stuff, it just has to be made from squished-up olives.

Then, if you have long hair, make a ponytail with your ol' thirsty hair at the crown of your head. I do this to avoid getting oil on my scalp, and making the oily mess of my roots even worse. This way you can target the dry ends of your mop really easily, and it saves a ton of time. (LAZIES 4LYFE.)

Next, start applying the oil. I start with a half-handful-ish amount and go from there. How much you'll need depends on the length/texture/whatever, you've been through this shit, of your hair. Use the amount that gets it nice and saturated and feels appropriate. You know how you do.

After you've reached the level of oiliness that you feel comfortable with, put your hair in a bun and let it marinate like a sexy chicken breast. (Do you marinate stuff in olive oil? How am I an adult?)

I let it do it's damn thing for at least 30 minutes. If you want, you can go longer, you can put it in a shower cap, you can add heat to help it penetrate (heh). Put it in a Laura Ingalls Wilder bonnet for all I care, just let it sit for at least 30 minutes to work its magic.

After at least one Judy Judge episode, finish by shampooing and conditioning like you would on a regular day. You don't have to skip conditioner or your normal styling shit, you do your thing.

Here are the ultimate results:

Listen, this is as glossy and hydrated as my sad-sack, abused strands get. I have insanely hard water and have bleached/dyed my hair to hell and back, so this is the equivalent of a Rapunzel wig sprouting out of my head.

Not to mention, you probably already have olive oil in your kitchen. You really should, so you can make yourself a celebratory Caprese salad, or some shit, afterward.


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Tuesday, February 17, 2015

To Be Filed Under: How Do I Apply For This Job? (AKA Watch Justin Bieber Get Egged In Slow Mo)

Oh, to be a skillful egg tosser.

Comedy Central just released a promo for its March 30th roast of the world's most hated* toddler, Justin Bieber, and it's quite the fun romp. If you're an egg. Or an oiled up, thin, boy chest.

Also, I'm off omelets for a while.**

*by me
**no, I'm not

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Monday, February 9, 2015

What's Better: The Grammys Or GRAHAM-ys?

I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.

But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.

Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal

Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.

Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.

Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.

John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell

JM is pretty well-rumored to be a bag of ye olde douche, so I usually find myself giving a hard pass to any kind of attraction to him. But last night? Me-ow. He looks like a sexy, non-tenured college professor who's writing a book about rocks in his spare time. Please, and thank you.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.

Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.

Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams

Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.

If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.


Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies

This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.

Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.

Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.

Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014


It's almost T-gives, which is pretty exciting in itself, because you get to eat your friggin' face off without mofos judging your every bite. I'LL HAVE A SLICE OF ALL THE PIES, THANK YOU, AND YOU CAN SAY NOTHING.

Sorry, mom.

But what's even better than bottomless crescent rolls? Tiny animals eating GD thimblefuls of cranberry sauce, that's what. Not to mention tiny lattice-topped pies and the wee-est turkey that's ever that's ever wee-ed.

This is the world's cutest Fauxsgiving, ever. So don't even try to top it, Jennifer Lawrence. Or Chris Pratt. Unless Pratt is topless. Maybe give it a go and see what happens.

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Friday, August 1, 2014

The Only Cooking Video You'll Ever Need In Life

WARNING: Copious amounts of NSFW language, but you should know that by now. (Unless this is your first time here. Welcome! I like to say shit.)

I. LOVE. THIS. WOMAN. From what I can gather from her skimpy/brand new YouTube channel, her name is Auntie Fee, and she's the foul-mouthed angel I've always wanted to find on this planet. I also want a "little punk-ass cinnamon roll," like, yesterday.

But Fee isn't just a bomb cook, she also doles out some great general life advice, like: "I don't let them know too much about me, because then they'll be ready to come do something and shit." And don't bother her about names for her recipes. Just enjoy your "something for the kids," and have a tall glass of shut the hell up.

If you're like me, and just can't get enough Fee in your life, check out the rest of her videos here. Auntie Fee for President of the universe!

P.S. After posting this, I got this text from my mom:

Now you why #iwokeuplikethis since birth.

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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Happy (Almost) 4th Of July, Here's Your Anthem

Listen, I know that this is fake as shit. And annoying. She's the Latina, modern-day this girl.

But I still can't help recklessly loving this song. Who doesn't love a GD pool noodle? Or have hopes and dreams of walking home with an empanada? And she cleared out Party City's flag paraphernalia section, so we owe it to America to be supportive.

Enjoy your holiday, Americans. If I don't hear you bumping this anthem at least once, I will steal all of your Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and drink them right up in your face. Then drive home, because my blood alcohol level will be 0.0000000004%.

via popsugar

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Friday, June 20, 2014

Lady Gaga Serves Up Her Butt Cheeks With A Slice Of Pizza

via gaga's FB
I am not slut-shaming here when I say that this is too much, Stefani. I've worn some of the whoriest whore outfit in my day, including wearing a shirt as a dress. Ain't no thang, man. In current times, this a little more my speed, but I still feel where you're coming from:

But here's where this all swerves a sharp left for me -- I CAN'T EAT PIZZA WHEN THERE'S AN ASS CHEEK EXPOSED IN THE ROOM. It's the same reason that you won't find me at an all-you-can eat cinnamon bun buffet at a strip club. If I'm a hair (sorry) from seeing a cooch or a b-hole, I just feel strange tearing up some grub in the same room as another person's exposed bathing suit areas. Call me old-fashioned.

Conversely, this doesn't bother me in the slightest:

via gaga's FB
You're clearly at a bar of some sort. Show them Ts, guh. Live your life.

Am I insane with this logic? Do you guys mind eating next to somebody's pair of Mr. Cheeks?

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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

this looks disgusting but it was amazing

This month for Allure, I get back to my roots, and talk about glorious food. I'm pairing up your favorite snack with an inspired beauty look. Check it out here.

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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The ONLY Thing You Need To Know About Kanye West.

pics via huffington post
That dude likes ice cream.

Be careful, Yeezy. There are some ice cream pitfalls:

It makes you fodder for kidnappers.

It's kind of addictive. (And might cause extreme b*tch assness, if Betty is any indication.)

It can eff up your facial hair game.

It's not always easy to eat. But you know what, 'Ye? Do you.

There are worst things you could be into.

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Monday, October 7, 2013

6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.
via (obvs)
You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.

 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.

I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.
I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.
Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.

Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.

#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.
NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.

What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.

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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Meanwhile, Where the Eff is Britney Spears?

As my breaking heart noticed the other night, Brit Brit was nowhere to be found at the VMAs this year. With JT pretty much posted up in that b*tch for 17 hrs on stage, I couldn't help but think of the world's most perfect moment that the public has ever witnessed, which happened to occur at the VMAs.

via mtv
Nothing in the history of the world has ever, ever been so beautiful. Even the bodyguard-type dude in the background has a finger boner over Brit's divine purse.

So, where, exactly, was Britney this weekend?

via dailymail
The only logical place -- Tony Roma's. And wearing this beautiful outfit, which is really only suited to cleaning out the garage. This is totally an outfit created from lost and found items you'd have to wear if you forgot your P.E. clothes in middle school. C'mon, Brit.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
I would take this saddest moment in weave history over friggin' TONY ROMA'S.

 Come back, Brit. Come back.

I shall listen to nothing but "Lucky" on repeat until next year, with hope in my heart.

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Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy Birthday, 'Murica (Eff Yeah!). Here are a Few of My Favorite Things About You.

America can be kind of cool, you guys. It can also be a lot of this...

But we shan't focus on this effery. Here, in no certain order, are some of my favorite things about America.

B's can where crazy sh*t like this.

I can say that this sh*t is annoying. (AND POST IT ON THE INTERWEBS FOR ALL TO SEE.)

You can eat the grossest mess in the world, if you mf-ing feel like it.

You can have wine whenever the sh*t you feel like it. (Unless you live in the deep South in a dry county. If that's the case, sorry, yo.)


We have national treasures like this.

And this.

Easily accessible (and affordable) hair extensions.

Being lazy is totally okay.

In fact, I don't even really have to leave the house that much.

We have TV shows like this.

via realitytvgifs
 It's completely acceptable to combine delicious candies with delicious alcohols.

All bacon errrythang.

And whatever this is.

Happy 4th, American humans.

We are some crazy ass b's. Let us celebrate. And feel free to tell me your favorite thing about the ol' US of A below.

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