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Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The ONLY Thing You Need To Know About Kanye West.

pics via huffington post
That dude likes ice cream.

Be careful, Yeezy. There are some ice cream pitfalls:


It makes you fodder for kidnappers.


It's kind of addictive. (And might cause extreme b*tch assness, if Betty is any indication.)


It can eff up your facial hair game.


It's not always easy to eat. But you know what, 'Ye? Do you.


There are worst things you could be into.






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Monday, October 7, 2013

6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.
via yandy.com (obvs)
You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.






 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.


via halloweencostumes.com
I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

via yandy.com
WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.
via buycostumes.com
I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.
via buycostumes.com
WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.
via forplaycatalog.com
Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.


Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.


#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.
via lookhuman.com
NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.


What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.



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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Meanwhile, Where the Eff is Britney Spears?

As my breaking heart noticed the other night, Brit Brit was nowhere to be found at the VMAs this year. With JT pretty much posted up in that b*tch for 17 hrs on stage, I couldn't help but think of the world's most perfect moment that the public has ever witnessed, which happened to occur at the VMAs.

via mtv
Nothing in the history of the world has ever, ever been so beautiful. Even the bodyguard-type dude in the background has a finger boner over Brit's divine purse.

So, where, exactly, was Britney this weekend?

via dailymail
The only logical place -- Tony Roma's. And wearing this beautiful outfit, which is really only suited to cleaning out the garage. This is totally an outfit created from lost and found items you'd have to wear if you forgot your P.E. clothes in middle school. C'mon, Brit.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
I would take this saddest moment in weave history over friggin' TONY ROMA'S.


 Come back, Brit. Come back.


I shall listen to nothing but "Lucky" on repeat until next year, with hope in my heart.






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Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy Birthday, 'Murica (Eff Yeah!). Here are a Few of My Favorite Things About You.

America can be kind of cool, you guys. It can also be a lot of this...


But we shan't focus on this effery. Here, in no certain order, are some of my favorite things about America.

B's can where crazy sh*t like this.



I can say that this sh*t is annoying. (AND POST IT ON THE INTERWEBS FOR ALL TO SEE.)



You can eat the grossest mess in the world, if you mf-ing feel like it.


You can have wine whenever the sh*t you feel like it. (Unless you live in the deep South in a dry county. If that's the case, sorry, yo.)


Brunch.


We have national treasures like this.


And this.


Easily accessible (and affordable) hair extensions.


Being lazy is totally okay.


In fact, I don't even really have to leave the house that much.


We have TV shows like this.

via realitytvgifs
 It's completely acceptable to combine delicious candies with delicious alcohols.


All bacon errrythang.


And whatever this is.


Happy 4th, American humans.


We are some crazy ass b's. Let us celebrate. And feel free to tell me your favorite thing about the ol' US of A below.



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Monday, December 17, 2012

Blogging Note, with a Helping of This Looks Disgusting.

I'm having some womanly issues today, so if my posting is spotty (har har) you'll understand why. And maybe my "condition" (Why do I feel like I'm a 1930's doctor right now? These broads and their hysterics!) is making me feel extra grossed out right now, but I kept seeing this sh*t on Facebook, as a sponsored post, and it was straight up making my ass sick.

via bob evans
Have you guys seen this? It's recipes using Bob Evans' refrigerated mashed potatoes. Most of them looked pretty insane, but this one took the proverbial gross cake. This is the Clubhouse Mashtini, featuring things like: ham, turkey, pickles, and ranch dressing. That sounds nothing short of vomitous to my delicate constitution. 


Not today, Bob Evans. Not today.


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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Things I Learned by Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in the Grocery Store Today

Pic via Twitter

V Hudge (we're on that level now) is in my town filming a movie, along with Selena Gomez and some other chick. That's her in the center of the pic, with a blonde wig on, for whatever reason. Anyway, I'm just shopping today at Fresh Market (the more annoying/not as good Whole Foods), I turned down one of the aisles, and there's Vanessa Hudgens. I was trying to give my husband the shifty eyes and mouthing "Vanessa Hudgens." (I'm so annoying. I hate myself.) I finally had to drag him to another aisle to tell him, and that b still didn't believe me. I had to google a picture of her neck tattoo to convince him.

So here's what I learned from my brief V Hudge sighting:

- She buys herself red roses. (Okay, klassy lady.)
- She likes onions. AND red apples. (hmmmmm)
- She eats granola bars BEFORE paying for them. (CRIMINAL!)
- She wasn't wearing makeup. (Vac Efron would NEVER make that rookie mistake.)
- She's somewhat polite. I moved my shopping cart out of the way to make room for her to get by and she mumbled, "Thanks."
- She drinks SWEETENED almond milk. (Judging.)

Am I paparazzi now? Sorry, if you're reading this V Hudge (I'm sure she always reads my blog.) that I was staring at your ass (Not your actual ass.) and I wrote a boring blog post about you. I hate myself.



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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

This is...Different.



Here's a video of (forever in my mind) Cher Horowitz feeding her kid by chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth. I don't have kids, so maybe I'm out of the loop in life. Is this a thing? Do people spit in their baby's mouths? Wouldn't your kid be hanging on your mouth all the time like one of these things?


I'm not going to lie. This ish freaks me out a little. I would be all:


Okay, maybe not that harsh. It is an infant, after all.

What do you guys think? Is this ish 'normaling'?



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Friday, December 16, 2011

I Enjoy Drinking Weird Crap


 The first let's say 'non-traditional' thing I drink is Kombucha. It's supposed to deliver antioxidants, probiotics, and help your body rid itself of toxins. Hell if I know. It has gunky stuff in the bottom (or sometimes Chia seeds, yay!) and kind of tastes vinegary. Are you sold yet? Thought so. I usually drink the 'enlightened' version, because the original has .5% alcohol in it, and sometimes when you're driving or whatever it's not COMPLETELY appropriate to be drinking alch' tea. Remember when Lindsay Lohan said her alcohol ankle monitor went off because she drank tea? The original Kombucha was the alleged offender. It's as badass as a tea can be.


I also drink more traditional (kind of) teas. I love Guayaki Yerba Mate teas. It kind of tastes like leaves in hot water, but who doesn't like that? It's made from the leaves (See? Leaves!) of a South American tree, and gives you energy and focus. It one of those ancient-type deals. Fun, right? 

Similarly, Tulsi is an ancient Indian plant known as Holy Basil that is used to energize and calm (???). I don't know how that's possible, but don't you guys feel worldly right now?

I also like random flavorings of more traditional teas. Coconut Chai black tea? It's gurrrd, you guys!


The last thing I like to drink you might have heard of. FRS is endorsed by a lot of athletes, including Lance Armstrong. It's main ingredient is Quercitin, which is found in blueberries and red onions and such. Listen, I don't know how it works but it doesn't have a lot of caffeine (about as much as 1/4 cup of coffee) but it gives me crazy energy, but not cracky energy. I like to drink this before I workout. It's the bizz-nass. You can read about the science behind it on the FRS website.

I also eat some crazy stuff, but I'll save that for another day. Do you guys drink any cray cray drinks? Am I missing out on something that I need to add to my insane lineup?

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