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Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts

Friday, August 1, 2014

The Only Cooking Video You'll Ever Need In Life

WARNING: Copious amounts of NSFW language, but you should know that by now. (Unless this is your first time here. Welcome! I like to say shit.)



I. LOVE. THIS. WOMAN. From what I can gather from her skimpy/brand new YouTube channel, her name is Auntie Fee, and she's the foul-mouthed angel I've always wanted to find on this planet. I also want a "little punk-ass cinnamon roll," like, yesterday.

But Fee isn't just a bomb cook, she also doles out some great general life advice, like: "I don't let them know too much about me, because then they'll be ready to come do something and shit." And don't bother her about names for her recipes. Just enjoy your "something for the kids," and have a tall glass of shut the hell up.


If you're like me, and just can't get enough Fee in your life, check out the rest of her videos here. Auntie Fee for President of the universe!

P.S. After posting this, I got this text from my mom:


Now you why #iwokeuplikethis since birth.



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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Happy (Almost) 4th Of July, Here's Your Anthem



Listen, I know that this is fake as shit. And annoying. She's the Latina, modern-day this girl.


But I still can't help recklessly loving this song. Who doesn't love a GD pool noodle? Or have hopes and dreams of walking home with an empanada? And she cleared out Party City's flag paraphernalia section, so we owe it to America to be supportive.


Enjoy your holiday, Americans. If I don't hear you bumping this anthem at least once, I will steal all of your Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers and drink them right up in your face. Then drive home, because my blood alcohol level will be 0.0000000004%.

via popsugar

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Friday, June 20, 2014

Lady Gaga Serves Up Her Butt Cheeks With A Slice Of Pizza

via gaga's FB
I am not slut-shaming here when I say that this is too much, Stefani. I've worn some of the whoriest whore outfit in my day, including wearing a shirt as a dress. Ain't no thang, man. In current times, this a little more my speed, but I still feel where you're coming from:


But here's where this all swerves a sharp left for me -- I CAN'T EAT PIZZA WHEN THERE'S AN ASS CHEEK EXPOSED IN THE ROOM. It's the same reason that you won't find me at an all-you-can eat cinnamon bun buffet at a strip club. If I'm a hair (sorry) from seeing a cooch or a b-hole, I just feel strange tearing up some grub in the same room as another person's exposed bathing suit areas. Call me old-fashioned.


Conversely, this doesn't bother me in the slightest:

via gaga's FB
You're clearly at a bar of some sort. Show them Ts, guh. Live your life.

Am I insane with this logic? Do you guys mind eating next to somebody's pair of Mr. Cheeks?



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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

this looks disgusting but it was amazing

This month for Allure, I get back to my roots, and talk about glorious food. I'm pairing up your favorite snack with an inspired beauty look. Check it out here.



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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The ONLY Thing You Need To Know About Kanye West.

pics via huffington post
That dude likes ice cream.

Be careful, Yeezy. There are some ice cream pitfalls:


It makes you fodder for kidnappers.


It's kind of addictive. (And might cause extreme b*tch assness, if Betty is any indication.)


It can eff up your facial hair game.


It's not always easy to eat. But you know what, 'Ye? Do you.


There are worst things you could be into.






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Monday, October 7, 2013

6 Things I'm BEGGING You Not To Be This Halloween

I motherf*cking LOVE Halloween. Anytime you get to wear a costume, wig, and an ish ton of makeup without having a million judgement eyes on your ass is a great day in my nothing-is-too-much book. But with every upcoming H-ween deal comes the bad -- those horrible costumes that were created probably just to eff with my brain region. Here are my worst list, in no specific order. Please, please don't wear these bullsh*t monstrosities.

#1 - A Sexy Male Kid's Cartoon Icon.
via yandy.com (obvs)
You guys, is NOTHING sacred? No one wants to see a slutty version of the first cartoon they ever saw, before they were even potty trained. It's weird. And uncomfortable. For every b on the block. Plus, you will probably be sued by Disney if you wear this sh*t. It's not worth all that. Stick to slutty Mr. Rogers, it's much sexier.






 #2 - A Beer Pong Table...But Sexy.


via halloweencostumes.com
I mean, really, what the eff is this all about? A vinyl minidress and a ping pong ball necklace does not a college table game make. Beer Pong Table Costume, you are so dumb.

#3 - Whatever The Eff This Thing Is.

via yandy.com
WHAT IS THIS? No, seriously, tell me. If it's an octopus (don't make a lady part joke) costume, why are there roughly 10,000 tentacles on this b*tch? It defies even sexy logic. Go away.

#4 - Weird Food Sh*t, But Sexy. OBVIOUSLY.
via buycostumes.com
I love sriracha sauce. It's delicious. But that doesn't make me want to pull on some nude fishnets and a pointy dispenser-shaped chapeau and call it a costume. Somebody had a surplus of sexy ketchup bottle costumes from last year. Burn them all.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: A Sexy Banana With a Psuedo Ween.
via buycostumes.com
WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR THIS? It doesn't even look like a friggin' banana, and the hang-y down thing creates the appearance of junk. Stop the insanity.

 #5 - Just A Lacy Bodysuit With Some Ears Hastily Thrown On.
via forplaycatalog.com
Please use one iota of creativity in costume creation, instead of going for the Mean Girls method of costuming.


Black lace bodysuits are best left for goth strippers (AKA my dream job) and not boring ass Halloween ideas.


#6 - ANYTHING Miley Cyrus Related.
via lookhuman.com
NO MILEY CYRUS COSTUMES THIS YEAR, in any capacity. My nonsense tanks are filled well past their limits with the Cyrus family, and I will cut you if you do this mess. I can hardly even look at a mullet lately, which breaks Billy Ray's achy breaky heart.


What costumes are you guys dreading placing your eyeballs on this year? Let's hash that sh*t out.



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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Meanwhile, Where the Eff is Britney Spears?

As my breaking heart noticed the other night, Brit Brit was nowhere to be found at the VMAs this year. With JT pretty much posted up in that b*tch for 17 hrs on stage, I couldn't help but think of the world's most perfect moment that the public has ever witnessed, which happened to occur at the VMAs.

via mtv
Nothing in the history of the world has ever, ever been so beautiful. Even the bodyguard-type dude in the background has a finger boner over Brit's divine purse.

So, where, exactly, was Britney this weekend?

via dailymail
The only logical place -- Tony Roma's. And wearing this beautiful outfit, which is really only suited to cleaning out the garage. This is totally an outfit created from lost and found items you'd have to wear if you forgot your P.E. clothes in middle school. C'mon, Brit.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
I would take this saddest moment in weave history over friggin' TONY ROMA'S.


 Come back, Brit. Come back.


I shall listen to nothing but "Lucky" on repeat until next year, with hope in my heart.






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Thursday, July 4, 2013

Happy Birthday, 'Murica (Eff Yeah!). Here are a Few of My Favorite Things About You.

America can be kind of cool, you guys. It can also be a lot of this...


But we shan't focus on this effery. Here, in no certain order, are some of my favorite things about America.

B's can where crazy sh*t like this.



I can say that this sh*t is annoying. (AND POST IT ON THE INTERWEBS FOR ALL TO SEE.)



You can eat the grossest mess in the world, if you mf-ing feel like it.


You can have wine whenever the sh*t you feel like it. (Unless you live in the deep South in a dry county. If that's the case, sorry, yo.)


Brunch.


We have national treasures like this.


And this.


Easily accessible (and affordable) hair extensions.


Being lazy is totally okay.


In fact, I don't even really have to leave the house that much.


We have TV shows like this.

via realitytvgifs
 It's completely acceptable to combine delicious candies with delicious alcohols.


All bacon errrythang.


And whatever this is.


Happy 4th, American humans.


We are some crazy ass b's. Let us celebrate. And feel free to tell me your favorite thing about the ol' US of A below.



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Monday, December 17, 2012

Blogging Note, with a Helping of This Looks Disgusting.

I'm having some womanly issues today, so if my posting is spotty (har har) you'll understand why. And maybe my "condition" (Why do I feel like I'm a 1930's doctor right now? These broads and their hysterics!) is making me feel extra grossed out right now, but I kept seeing this sh*t on Facebook, as a sponsored post, and it was straight up making my ass sick.

via bob evans
Have you guys seen this? It's recipes using Bob Evans' refrigerated mashed potatoes. Most of them looked pretty insane, but this one took the proverbial gross cake. This is the Clubhouse Mashtini, featuring things like: ham, turkey, pickles, and ranch dressing. That sounds nothing short of vomitous to my delicate constitution. 


Not today, Bob Evans. Not today.


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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Things I Learned by Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in the Grocery Store Today

Pic via Twitter

V Hudge (we're on that level now) is in my town filming a movie, along with Selena Gomez and some other chick. That's her in the center of the pic, with a blonde wig on, for whatever reason. Anyway, I'm just shopping today at Fresh Market (the more annoying/not as good Whole Foods), I turned down one of the aisles, and there's Vanessa Hudgens. I was trying to give my husband the shifty eyes and mouthing "Vanessa Hudgens." (I'm so annoying. I hate myself.) I finally had to drag him to another aisle to tell him, and that b still didn't believe me. I had to google a picture of her neck tattoo to convince him.

So here's what I learned from my brief V Hudge sighting:

- She buys herself red roses. (Okay, klassy lady.)
- She likes onions. AND red apples. (hmmmmm)
- She eats granola bars BEFORE paying for them. (CRIMINAL!)
- She wasn't wearing makeup. (Vac Efron would NEVER make that rookie mistake.)
- She's somewhat polite. I moved my shopping cart out of the way to make room for her to get by and she mumbled, "Thanks."
- She drinks SWEETENED almond milk. (Judging.)

Am I paparazzi now? Sorry, if you're reading this V Hudge (I'm sure she always reads my blog.) that I was staring at your ass (Not your actual ass.) and I wrote a boring blog post about you. I hate myself.



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