I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.
But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.
Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal
Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.
Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.
Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.
John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell
LOOKING GOOD, MR @JohnMayer #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/SRAOUmff7U
— John Mayer BR (@johnmayerbr) February 9, 2015
Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.
Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.
Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams
Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.
If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.
Winner: Sam Smith holding Teddy Grahams. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN THIS BITCH.
Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies
This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.
Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.
Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.
Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)