SLAY-ney Spears Is Still Sexy, And Don't You Forget It

Britney Spears last night at the 2015 Teen Choice Awards! pic.twitter.com/sp7sRUhU7w

— BritneyArmy (@SlaveForUBrit) August 17, 2015

Just in case you were of the mindset that Mizz Britney Spears was done with being a sexpot, YOU ARE COMPLETELY WRONG.

Soak in all of this moment. The dress! The typical Britney-esque "I have no idea how to pose" pose! That she's winning a GD FASHION AWARD! What a choker-wearing card. That's my girl.

.@BritneySpears can hold up more than that #TeenChoice surfboard, thanks to major yoga skills: http://t.co/7DHhDb7pR4 pic.twitter.com/q7czGBvaPD

— Access Hollywood (@accesshollywood) August 17, 2015

In this photo, it's as if she's saying, "If y'all ever doubted my cat eye-wearing abilities, you are a MF-ing fool. A fool, I say!"

Think @ratliffR5 knew he was photobombing @britneyspears in this #TeenChoiceAwards pic? http://t.co/C9CblFgrrB pic.twitter.com/I68GppH3Ea

— TWIST magazine (@twistmag) August 17, 2015

And here, she's all, "Someone come get this child and tell her to stop staring at me. She's killing my hair vibe." Everyone knows that laser beams from the eyeballs of children make one's hair fall flat.

P.S. Am I supposed to know the identity of any of those humans in the background? Ol' cactus blouse looks like Giovanni Ribisi's little cousin. I'm too old for this shit.

P.P.S. What the hell is a Twist magazine? I need a nap and a fiber supplement to get through this life.

P.P.P.S. Whoever spilled that bottle of water under Brit Brit's chair shall pay. SHALL PAY, I TELL YOU.












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What's Better: The Grammys Or GRAHAM-ys?

I'm not in love with awards shows. Yet I feel compelled to watch them for posterity's sake, even though I'm not 100% clear on what the f that means. So, I watched (parts of) the Grammys last night. I felt pretty warmed-over "meh" about them overall, but there were some high points for me.

But were they good enough to win out against these graham-y items? Let's decide in a head-to-head battle of goodness.

Sia's Kind-Of Grammys Performance VS Golden Grahams Cereal

Just like my use of posterity, I'm not really sure what the deal is with Sia hiding her face. I think it's an anxiety thing, which is fine. Homegirl is talented like woah, and we got to see Kristen Wiig prancercise about in a nude leotard. I don't mind. I consider myself a pretty staunch Wiig-let (this is not a thing), so I loved this performance.

Golden Grahams is a down-ass breakfast cereal. It's delicious and tastes like crunchy honey. End of list.

Winner: Grammys, by a thin scrap of nude leotard fabric.

John Mayer Looking Sexy At The Grammys, Against All Odds VS Alexander Graham Bell

LOOKING GOOD, MR @JohnMayer #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/SRAOUmff7U
— John Mayer BR (@johnmayerbr) February 9, 2015

JM is pretty well-rumored to be a bag of ye olde douche, so I usually find myself giving a hard pass to any kind of attraction to him. But last night? Me-ow. He looks like a sexy, non-tenured college professor who's writing a book about rocks in his spare time. Please, and thank you.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and had a boss beard.

Winner: Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not THAT driven by my little lady. Give me a beard hair's breadth of credit.

Sam Smith's Acceptance Speech VS Teddy Grahams

Sam Smith is utterly adorable. And inspirational. I want to carry him around in a baby bjorn and stroke his sweet little pink (face) cheeks.

If you don't like Teddy Grahams, you can just get the hell out of here. They're a delightful snack shaped like a teddy bear. There are few things better.

Winner: Sam Smith holding Teddy Grahams. DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE. IT'S LIKE SOPHIE'S CHOICE IN THIS BITCH.

Jay Z's Reaction To Kanye's Grammys Tomfoolery VS Grannies

This moment is perhaps my favorite thing that Jay has ever done, and I MF-ing love The Black Album. The range of split-second emotions that we feel right along with him on this journey of horror and awe cannot be matched. It's incredible.

Grannies do dope shit like bake you cookies and give you five dollar bills. Plus, they do that thing where they get their hair done once a week and then sleep standing up to make it last. Grannies are the actual OGs. And kind of vampire-y.

Winner: Grammys. Sorry, grannies. I love you.

Did you watch The Grammys last night? What did you love? Hate? Love to hate? Hate to love? Are there any other combos? (Mmmmm, combos.)



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I Didn't Watch The Emmys, But I Already Know That This Billy Eichner Bit Was The Best Part (DON'T YOU ARGUE WITH ME)

I have a hard time watching award shows, man. It gives me a solid case of the bores. I really only want to see what every actual b-face in town is wearing, find out who's drunk, and that about covers it. But that's what the GD internets are for. Please.

So, needless to say, I didn't watch the Emmys this year. But I did come across this Billy on the Street bit on Defamer from the show. And Billy Eichner is my favorite faux-angry screamer on this planet (even though there are so many to choose from), so I already know that this was the best shit from the Emmys.

Did you watch last night? Was it Snoring McBoring visits Snoozeville, or did I actually miss something?

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Live Blogging The Oscars: Why The Eff Not?

I live blogged the Oscars, so if you're into boring stuff you can read it all after the jump. Wiggy and I won the award for "Biggest A-holes," in case you were wondering.

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The Award For The Ho With The Hottest Hair From The Golden Globes Goes To...

JORDAN CATALANO! Or Jared Leto, if you enjoy real people names. Like there was any other lame ass choices available in that vanilla pudding menagerie. Thank you, JJ for bringing bringing light to this lazy ass style from yesteryear. I have worn this hairstyle countless times, most often like this:

EXCUSE MY EFFING BEAUTY

Or, while working on my fitness (Ha! like I do that.), or while cleaning stuff (Ha! yeah, right). Wow, I really need to get my sh*t together.

Let's not get this twisted, though. If Ricky Vasquez popped up at the Globes, I would be doing an at-home perm RIGHT THIS SECOND.

What hairstyle will Leto bring back next? Banana clips? Those tiny, glittery butterfly clips? A bump-it? I'm really voting for these, because they're my sh*t, and it would be great to be able to not have judge-filled eyes resting upon my beautiful hair clip the next time I leave the house (Ha! like I do that, either).

I can't wait to see what majestic hair pieces you plan on bringing next time, Jordy. But until then, work that updo, honey.



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8 Times The AMAs Made Me Realize I'm Too Effing Old For Pop Culture

I don't know if you guys peeped the scene of the American Music Awards last night, but I did, and I noticed that something f*cking terrible happened. No, not Pitbull's boring ass, dry toast hosting skills. I'm talking about the realization that I'm getting friggin' old. These are the moments of clarity that lead me to this sad sack conclusion. (I'm sure I have very few moments of clarity before my mind starts to go, so let's cherish this time together.)

 #1 -- I was all, "Damn, Fall Out Boy got old, " then realized that some of them are younger than my ass. I need to check Craig's List for a hyperbaric chamber.

#2 -- This One Direction dude's hair. No really, what the eff is happening on this guy's head? Insanity, or I'm just elderly, that's what.

#3 -- Man tunics. Jesus, take the wheel.

#4 --WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?

My eyeballs have never rested upon any of these humans before, and it might be time for me to retire.

#5 -- Rihanna was wearing the same accessory sh*t that I was wearing in 1997. Shout out to Contempo Casuals.

#6 -- Lady Gaga's performance only made me feel like I was watching "Trapped In The Closet, Part 374: Politico Edition."

#7 -- I totally related to OG members of TLC. My knees and back are struggling now, too, y'all. Poor T-Boz and Chili's dancing consisted mostly of glorified walking with some light hand clapping. My suggestion? Get rid of Lil' Mama and bring in Betty White in Left Eye's place. You guys will look young and flexible as hell.

#8 -- My favorite performer of the night was a CGI cat crying diamond tears into a spider web. And for the record, I totally would have scooped up that two-piece leotard if I made a cat dancing workout video in 1992.

P.S. If flared(ish) capri pants are making a comeback, I'm not sure I can be of this planet anymore.

via ny daily news

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