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Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Who Would You Rather: The 90210 Dudes Edition


I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.

All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?

David Silver

BAG sporting a unibrow starter's kit

Pros:
Cons:
  • Many awkward hair phases.
  • David and Donna were so gross, as told by this video, which is one of the more horrific things even burned into my eyeballs and ear holes.



    BRB, vomiting and bleaching the Earth.

    Bottom Line: Whatever, I can't even keep up this front. DAVEY WAS THE WORST.

    Brandon Walsh

    B Dubs, the stern years.

    Pros:
    • He did charitable shit like bring homeless men home for Thanksgiving dinner and had relationships with Kelly Taylor.
    • He was well-beloved by crazies (Emily Valentine) and bores (Andrea Zuckerman) alike.
    • He had the privilege of sharing a womb with Brenda.
    • He had the second-best dude hair on the show. (Except for that short-lived mullet. Hard pass.)
    • Just..This...



      Cons:
      • He did horrible shit like have relationships with Kelly Taylor.
      • He got kind of judgey over walking Earth treasures Brenda Walsh and Valerie Malone. 
      • These sunglasses fill me with a deep and fiery rage. There's something so Wilford Brimley about them that make me want to throw hot oatmeal.

      Bottom Line: I like Brandon. But do I LIKE like Brandon? Like, loins-like him?

      Dylan McKay

      Okay, so this was IRL Luke Perry, BUT I DON'T CARE.

      Pros:
      • Please see above.
      • That voice.
      • He had the best hair that's ever even graced a friggin' TV screen.
      • He had rough times, but had a heart of GD GOLD.
      • He almost pulled this look off. And that's a lot of look.


      IS THAT A WETSUIT TOP TUCKED INTO RELAXED FIT JEANS?

      Cons:
      • That tramp-ass-tramp Kelly Taylor.
      • He doesn't love me.

      Bottom Line: Everyone loves Dylan McKay. If you don't, you aren't a living human being. Shit, even ghosts haunting old Victorian-era mansions probably love that mofo.

      Steve Sanders

      Steve loves coochie cutters, and he cannot lie.

      Pros:
      • Steve kind of gave zero effs about ANYTHING.
      • He had a weirdly sexual confidence about him.
      • Semi-unrelated, but, uhhhh....
      • Ian Ziering did this in my life, so major bonus points:


      Cons:



      Bottom Line: Current-day Ian Ziering? Hot. Steve Sanders? Not.

      Conclusion: Please, this was all a flimsy, farce-filled, flim-flam facade! And you fell for it. MUAHAHAHHA. DYLAN MCKAY 4EVA.


      How much do you still love Dylan McKay, one to eight trillion?



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      Sunday, December 7, 2014

      THE TRAILER FOR THE WHITNEY HOUSTON LIFETIME BIOPIC IS HERE



      I was 100% fully prepared to hate on this Whitney biopic from Lifetime. This is a really tough story to tell, about one of America's vocal treasures, and it's not like that network has a stellar rep when it comes to their tell-all celebrity biopics. So I was expecting straight-up horrible shit before I watched this.

      BUT I WAS WAY WRONG, MAN. This looks really pretty frickin' stellar. Here's why I think this biopic might actually really, really work.

      #1 -- Angela Bassett is directing.


      And if you don't know that Angela Bassett can do no wrong in my heart, now you know.


      #2 -- Ms. Houston is being played by Yaya from America's Next Top Model. And that show is my shit, even though it's one of the most ridiculous things on earth. (I love you, TyTy.) But I don't think that Yaya going to butcher this thing, because this reads very Whitney to me.


      #3 -- The wigs aren't horrible. Whitney went through many hair changes over the time that this movie covers, and I saw very few bad wigs with my eyeballs.


      Bravo.

      Now we'll all be waiting to exhale until the premiere of Whitney on Lifetime on January 17th. (Sorry, I had to.)









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      Tuesday, October 14, 2014

      I Was On Conan Last Night, And Now I'm "The Audience Lady"



      I'm also a super-slutty liar, according to YouTube comments. But more on that later.

      I went to Southern California this weekend. It was my fifth wedding anniversary, and my husband friggin' loves theme parks. Like, nine-year-old-kid levels of loving theme parks. I attempt to be generous of spirit for 0.0343% of my life, so I decided to go to Disneyland et al with him, even though I was all:


      I was LITERALLY like this while we were there:


      That's me in the blue hat, in the fetal position. Like an actual unborn baby. On a ride created for small children. I hate theme parks.

      But, on a more fun note, I got some tickets to go see a taping of Conan. My husband and I have both been big fans of Conan O'Brien since he started his show in the early 90s (#weold), so I thought it would be perfect for our anniversary trip.

      We decided that I should make a sign for the show, because we had the idea that maybe we would get closer seats or some shit. You know I like to get Latarian in this bitch. So this is what we came up with.


      The bottom one was my husband's original sign idea. I came up with the top one, because it's effing true. Nothing really more to that short-ass story. Except that I suck a big one at drawing (writing?) a block letter 's'. In hindsight, I should have just gone for a solid one of these:


      The next day, we get to the taping and get really great seats. No one even took a cursory look at my sign. I still hadn't decided which side to hold up when Conan came out of the monologue. I'm a shitty planner. Here's part of what happened next.



      We had a good time with it. I got to share a few of my unique crushes (King of Breakfast, anyone?) with America. We three-way hugged Conan after the show. It was a good day.

      Today, I woke up to people texting me this screenshot.


      THE AUDIENCE LADY?!? Did I wake up as a matronly 74 year old? Am I Dorothy Zbornak? Did I menopause overnight? Actually, maybe. I've been having the night sweats. We'll discuss that later.

      I jokingly told a friend that I would rather be called a tramp than a lady. But be careful what you wish for, and all that shit, because then came the YouTube comments. Here are some of my favorites.


      Well, that escalated MF-ing quickly.

      It actually wasn't. At all. Unless you mean a script in my head, where I created a moderately interesting sign on a drugstore posterboard and somehow became a writer for Conan's show. That was my brain script.


      "Shit cray." Okay. Possibly.


      I can be a bitch. How did you know? Are you my mom? Now for the one that hurts the most.



      Screw you, "I'll just pick random numbers as my screen name" person. Screw you.



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      Tuesday, October 7, 2014

      Watch Jessica Lange Pull An Us And Pretend That Lea Michele Doesn't Exist


      JK, Lea. I follow you on Instagram for some inexplicable reason. And that dress is beautiful. And you have great hair. Okay, enough nice crap. Let's get to the bitchassness.

      Much gratitude to Gawker, and more specifically Rich Juzwiak, for bringing the video below into my life. (And even more thanks are owed to Rich for introducing me to the likes of Grey Gardens and Paris is Burning via his blog FourFour.) I really can't imagine living my day-to-day life without seeing Lea Michele be completely ignored by the light of our lives, Jessica Lange, now that I've been exposed to its glory.



      I'm sure this all happened because Ms. Lange was wondering the same thing that we all are: HOW LONG DO YOU NEED TO POSE FOR A HANDFUL OF PICTURES? That and Jessica was probably just trying to get inside and see if all of the catered pizza rolls were gone, like any sane human would do.

      I will admit that it takes me 908543095 minutes to take a semi-decent photo of myself to use in beauty-related posts using a camera timer in my cave of solitude, but I don't possess TV-levels of attractiveness. I don't even have infomerical-levels of beauty. Not to mention, my eyes are usually mid-flutter and I look like this in every picture:


      I would hate to be a famous. Most of your awkward social interactions are filmed and spread around like Justin Bieber's circa 2012 haircut in Alabama (I can say that, my family's from Alabama and I kind of enjoy Lynyrd Skynyrd) so assholes like me can make fun of you. I don't think that there's a video of me falling flat on my face in Wal-Mart while wearing slutty knee-high boots from Charlotte Russe in 2007, even though that really happened. I'll just stick to being a mediocre normal.





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      Tuesday, September 9, 2014

      The DuckTales Theme Song Starring Actual Ducks Is Just What Humanity Needs




      In these trying times of Bieber ATV-related arrests and Miley nips (see below), these adorably fluffy mother efffers are here to save the world. Or rewrite history.

      I used to watch DuckTales and Captain Planet every day before school, so this bit of nostalgia is seriously the best thing I've seen in at least three days. The duck with the bow on her head???


      It's too adorable. I can't handle it. And Scrooge McDuck swimming (nude in this instance -- risque!) in his gold? Help, I need to hold a baby duck immediately.

      Just in case you have a case of oldie brain (like me), here's the OG version for science.



      I can't wait to see live duck versions of all of my favorite TV show intros: KIDS Incorporated, Golden Girls, 90210, Orange is the New Black...It's all coming together, world. It's all coming together.



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      Tuesday, September 2, 2014

      Allure Get The Look: Old School TV Dallas Meets That New New TV Dallas



      This week for my Allure Insiders video I took a little bit of the old and glam-y Dallas TV show and mixed in that new new Dallas to come up with a combo look. I always hated Combos (the snack cracker), but this actually turns out okay! No fake, powdery cheese is involved, but hot rollers are.

      Check it out and get an instant contact hairspray high. I MEAN, IT'S TEXAS, Y'ALL.



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      Tuesday, August 26, 2014

      I Didn't Watch The Emmys, But I Already Know That This Billy Eichner Bit Was The Best Part (DON'T YOU ARGUE WITH ME)




      I have a hard time watching award shows, man. It gives me a solid case of the bores. I really only want to see what every actual b-face in town is wearing, find out who's drunk, and that about covers it. But that's what the GD internets are for. Please.


      So, needless to say, I didn't watch the Emmys this year. But I did come across this Billy on the Street bit on Defamer from the show. And Billy Eichner is my favorite faux-angry screamer on this planet (even though there are so many to choose from), so I already know that this was the best shit from the Emmys.

      Did you watch last night? Was it Snoring McBoring visits Snoozeville, or did I actually miss something?





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      Friday, August 1, 2014

      10 Times When We Were All A Miranda Hobbes

      Remember when everyone and their Aunt Susan were wearing MF-ing "I'm a Carrie" baby tees during the height of Sex and the City's popularity? That was annoying in itself, but I always felt like it was some straight bullshit that I never saw ONE PERSON repping Miranda's clique via t-shirt. I'm not even sure that shit was ever in production.

      I could never understand why Miranda was so reviled by pretty much every human on Earth. Some people say she was a pessimistic rude ass, I say homegirl was realistic. But even if you fancied yourself a "Samantha" or even a "Charlotte," there were times that we all had a little Miranda in us. Like it or not (and I love it), we've all been about that Miranda Hobbes life at some point.

      #1 -- When, in life, this was an actual outfit choice.


      It's just one of them days that we all go through. Yet, Miranda looks jaunty as shit.

      #2 -- When confronted with this:


      And her only valid option was to do this: 

      NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE. Eat your feelings and hide the evidence.

      #3 -- When "exciting" stuff wasn't that exciting.


      #4 -- When she just wanted eat her friggin' I'm-in-a-rut food without a Judgy McJudgesalot on her jock.



      Can't a bitch just eat some cold noodles in peace?

      #5 -- When she didn't feel the need to see any of her exes, like, EVER ever again.


      Somebody's got to move out of town. I don't want to see you buying TylenolPM and clearance Herbal Essence shampoo at CVS.

      #6 -- When she was compelled to eat trash cake.



      Seriously, if you haven't eaten cake from the garbage, I don't even know you.

      #7 -- When the father of her unborn child proposed to her with a second-hand ring, and she responded appropriately.


      Which is with a solid, "What are you, fucking crazy?" obviously.

      #8 -- Baby showers.


      Nobody wants to guess candy bar poop.

      #9 -- When hiding was easier that facing an awkward ass situation.


      #10 -- When she was over it, and just had zero effs left to rub together.


      We feel you, sister. Hardcore.

      Deal with it, guys, we're a Miranda. Even though sometimes we're all pretty Stanford-y.




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      Monday, June 30, 2014

      True Blood Musings: Bored To Death

      Here we are. Another week, another TB episode down in the FINAL COUNTDOWN.


      This week we open on an Eric/Jason vignette, that I won't immediately spoil, so jump and we'll talk about this scene and all the trimmings. Meet you at the crossroads.

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      Monday, June 23, 2014

      True Blood Musings: Down With The Sickness

      I have to be honest. I have no MF-ing clue what happened last season, because I'm a serious old and watch way too much TV, but apparently we ended on an insane note.


      Everyone is SUPER stabby and filled with Hep V, I guess. Okay, here comes the break so we don't spoil, so click through for to talk about the beginning of the end of this hot ass mess.


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      Thursday, May 15, 2014

      Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote


      In my latest piece for Allure I dug into the vintage TV commercial archives and pulled out the best hot ass beauty looks of the past three decades, in "Flashback! The Best Beauty Moments From Childhood TV Commercials." You can check it out here.




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      Monday, May 12, 2014

      The Game Of Thrones "Who Would You Do?" List

      I love Game of Thrones. It has all the things that I look for in a show: an old time-y setting, bomb hair and costumes, and a bunch of people acting like pure and unadulterated assholes. And the fact that it's packed to the gills with hot bitches doesn't exactly hinder my viewing pleasure.

      With that in mind, I've compiled a ranking of the best "Would Do" candidates, as well as the "Eff No" mofos from the world's most character-filled-and-also-switching-friggin-actors TV show. (Don't lie, that shit confuses you too.) 

      The Would Dos:
      #1: Jaime

      Okay, so he's had his horrific moments, and might have Borderline Personality Disorder. He also (half) created the worst human in fake history. And his hair is kind of terrible this season. But that jawline...

      #2: Khaleesi

      I mean, COME ON. Daenerys Targaryen be banging. And if you say that you wouldn't, you're a damn lie.

      #3: Khaleesi's Dead Husband's Ghost

      This dude was super hot. And nice, in a murderous way. Plus, the real life guy is married to LISA MF-ING BONET. You don't turn that down.

      #4: Jon Snow

      JS is super-sexual, and really should be higher on the list, but I can't stop thinking about extreme hygiene issues whenever my eyeballs graze his ass. INVENT SHAMPOO, ALREADY.

      #5: Tyrion

      I love Tyrion. He's smart, funny, actually uses the empathetic area of his brain, and is really cute. Sign me up.

      #6: Brienne of Tarth

      Brienne is not only a bad bitch, she's also ridiculously loyal. Which is pretty much the opposite of anyone else on this GD show. Not to mention that she's crazy tall and attractive.

      The Would NOT Evers:

      #1: Joffrey

      HATE. SO MUCH. Plus, I think he's supposed to be 15 or something. Major pass.

      #2: That One Guy

      Sorry about all of that stuff, buddy. You were okay before, but now I'm just not into you. Or whatever is happening in your Weentown area code.

      Edit: You guys, THIS DUDE IS LILY ALLEN'S BROTHER. Where the eff have I been???

      #3: Cersei

      She's gorgeous. She's the worst. Her no no was probably replaced with a venus fly trap. No thanks.

      #4: Ygritte

      I wasn't even into homegirl before she got all arrow-happy. But now, I definitely bid you "Good day." GET OUT.

      Which GoT peeps are on your would/wouldn't do lists? Let's hash it out.




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