Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

6 Times You Wished You Were In The Maury Audience

I will not be completely hyperbolic and proclaim that I've seen "every episode of Maury." In fact, I haven't watched it in, like, three years. Okay, two. But, I have experienced a SHIT-TON of MP in my day. The photo above is from my own phone. I have receipts.

I think we all can agree that Maury is batshit insane. Like, if your Tinder/Grindr/Ashley Madison date was like, "You know what I'm really passionate about? Maury Povich," you'd probably promptly finish your non-virgin Shirley Temple with 17 extra cherries and jump out the bathroom window, regardless of safety. (Or maybe just marry them.) But when we keep it real in the diary of our minds, you know that show is entertaining. Open your heart to it, Madonna. It just is.

So I decided to compile so my favorite Maury moments. The times that were so completely ridiculous that you actually wished you were there, so your face could look like this:

We'll start with one of my favorite life moments. I want this to be on my gravestone. Mark my words.

1. When this lady had a cotton ball phobia, but mostly THE COTTON BALL MAN.

Every time I watch this I laugh my b-hole off. I'm sorry that homegirl hates cotton balls and it's ruining her life, or whatever, BUT THIS IS WHY TELEVISION WAS CREATED. For a grown man to go to work and wear a low-rent cotton ball suit and scare mofos. Y'all accepting applications or nah, Maury?

2. When this girl's sister banged dudes for cheeseburgers.

This is actually really sad and terrible. But I had to include it, because I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. The "out of control teen" came out all defiant and was like, "So what? Cheeseburgers taste good." I hope I never forget it.

3. When this lady found a tooth in her bed and she wasn't missing any fresh teeth. (I don't know her complete dental history.)

Whose tooth just pops off and doesn't notice? Were they eating gummy worms and that bitch just fell out? Was it Sonja Morgan? What is happening?


4. Whenever a sexy decoy is involved.

I LOVE SEXY DECOYS. So much so that I might marry them all.

Here's a quick primer on life, dudes: If there's a highly attractive woman in the Maury greenroom, don't make-out, et al with said lady. Especially if you came to the show because someone wants to know, "Did you cheat and get two women pregnant?" Sexy decoys by nature are both sexy and decoys. They don't actually want to see your ween.

5. When this woman found the entire Home Depot ladder aisle stashed backstage and used it to her stunt queen advantage.

And, really, I give her a lot of well-deserved propers, because that is some innovative and dramatic maneuvering.

6. When dudes do "Not the Father" celebratory dances.

And almost all of the world rejoices for some reason. Except for the 5000% girl. She was sad as F.

And I do mean almost everyone -- even the Tupac hologram.

Oh, Maury, never change. You are our beacon of light (and holograms) in this dark, dark world. And here's a pro tip: if you find a tooth in your bed, change the damn sheets, Arica.

Pin It

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Pop Culture Beauty School: The 15 Beauty Lessons We Learned From Sex And The City

Like many pop culture gems worth their salt, Sex and the City had some freaking fantastic beauty moments. Like Carrie's hair. And Carrie's hair. And when Samantha shaved her head after chemo treatments, and that hot bia Smith followed suit. That was a real sacrifice; dude had some magical-ass hair. 

But even beyond that, SATC gave us actual teachable beauty lessons -- times you could say, "Shit, I FEEL that." Here are my favorite 15.

1. It may take a minute to find a good look for yourself. 
(Season 1, Episode 1)


Hopefully, you've already gleaned this nugget of beauty information from me, but if you haven't, I think this photo collage alone allows me to rest my case, Your Honor. Your pilot look usually sucks, even in life.

2. Don't stay up doing shady shit all night when you're shooting a cover story for NEW YORK EFFING MAGAZINE the next day. (Season 2, Episode 4)

In this case, Carrie should have used her own GD advice and taken a Nap(a). And maybe time-traveled to 2015 and used a really hydrating sheet mask? Yes, that's a question mark.

3. Instead of having "the talk" with your (maybe) boyfriend, just leave your tampons and a brush there. (Season 2, Episode 11)

Talking sucks; let your girly shit do the speaking.

4. Hair plugs are scary. (Season 2, Episode 11)

Have these things improved with time? Help me, Bosley Medical.

5. Let your boob flag fly, you total Char. 
(Season 3, Episode 3)

Charlotte was super uptight about showing her bawdy, but once she was actually naked, everyone was like, "Uhh...nice rack." So, quit being all uncool. Okay?

6. Getting your hootenanny waxed is probably horrible. 
(Season 3, Episode 14)

 I, admittedly, have never done this. I attempted to begin an at-home wax once, and it was the worst and I got a shitty rash. HARD PASS on the real thing.

7. Braces are a real bitch. (Season 3, Episode 15)

It doesn't matter if you're 14 or 40, having metal in your mouth is not NEARLY as fun as flattening a paperclip and pretending it's a retainer. Futuristic mouth transplants, where you at?

8. Keep some flip flops, or some type of shit, in your bag. 
(Season 3, Episode 17)

Carrie was foot-mugged on the dirty-ass streets of New York, and we couldn't help but wonder: would you rather a), keep some simple type of footwear in your bag for emergencies; or b), have Britney-barefoot-in-a-Starbucks feet? Choose your own adventure.

9. Heidi Klum ain't all that. (Season 4, Episode 2)

JK, JK; she totally is. And, also, if Dolce & Gabbana tell you to put on bedazzled underwear and get to stepping, you do it?

Then you fall on your a-hole. And it's fine.

10. Fake nips are an actual thing. (Season 4, Episode 6)

I have nothing else to say about this. I just wanted you to know that they exist.

11. Dudes really like deodorant. (Season 4, Episode 13)

Carrie found hoarder-levels of antiperspirant in Aidan's man stuff, and I have found similar things around my own house. This makes me ask -- Dudes, why you so obsessed with deodorant?

12. Sarcasm Report: If you want to look whorey, get some volume in your hair and define your eyebrows. 
(Season 5, Episode 3)

Charlotte went to Atlantic City with the other girls of SATC, and decided to slip into a shiny freakum dress and v, v solid hair and makeup. She was trying to look slutty, and I LIKED IT A LOT. Buy some eyeliner, Charlotte York. It's not just for sluts anymore! (Can that please be a tagline for a cosmetics ad?)

13. Face peels will peel your face. (Season 5, Episode 5)

Samantha got a peel, and looked a hot and bloody mess, as one is wont-ish to look. It is my one great hope that they put raspberry jelly all over Kim Cattrall's face to film these scenes, like they do with pretend newborns in movies, who are actually like 28 months old.

14. If you have a cystic zit, LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE.
 (Season 5, Episode 7)

Carrie had a big-ass zit. On a dirty-ass train. If you find yourself in that exact situation, just leave it alone and slap a sulfur-y mud mask on your face. Not all zits are meant to be popped. (I know, I know. Don't pop anything. Boring.)

15. Don't dye your pubes with hair dye. Please. 
(Season 6A, Episode 12)

Samantha found a gray pube and decided to try to get the carpet to match the drapes, but ended up with clown wig shrubs. If you REALLY want to dye your bathing suit area, that's cool. Just use that actual dye for that actual area. Or maybe wear a merkin! People don't wear merkins enough these days.

What was your biggest beauty learnin' from Sex and the City? And are you currently wearing a merkin? Plz respond.

Pin It

Monday, June 15, 2015

Stop The Charade (To Be Pronounced "Shah-Rhad"): You Will Be Watching Lifetime's "A Deadly Adoption"

Screw the sports whatevers of the world: start planning your MF-ing important watch parties now. Winter might already be here (RIP, RIP), but A DEADLY ADOPTION IS COMING.

If you're still pretending like you will not be partaking in this Will Ferrell/Kristen Wiig spoof-y Lifetime movie, you just quit your stunt queen maneuvers. You will be watching this.

The trailer assures us that all of the typical Lifetime movie bullshit (and by bullshit I mean magical) elements will be present: heaving pregnant bosoms, rich people, ripped martial photographs, annoying curly-haired children, boat-necked flowy tees, crazy women in nude wedges, white trash but hot boyfriends, and peering through door cracks. If you need more than that to entertain you, you must be Queen Elizabeth. If so, good day, ma'am.

This atrocious bit of genius premieres June 20 at 8pm on Lifetime, SO SET YOUR DAMN DVR, FOOL.

Pin It

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Allure Insiders Get The Look: GIRLS Character Mashup

This week is the premiere of HBO's GIRLS fourth season. I'm pretty excited, because I love the extreme levels of selfishness of everyone on this show. It's fantastic. And makes me feel good about myself. Selfish.

So for this months' Get the Look video, I decided to do a mashup look of all of the characters. Plus, you can peep my amazing acting skills. AND vocal stylings.

Sorry, Earth.

Pin It

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Who Would You Rather: The 90210 Dudes Edition

I'm kind of a Beverly Hills, 90210 nut, as evidenced by this picture of me wearing a Brenda Walsh mugshot t-shirt that my friend Sarah bought me. Because of my particular brand of crazy brains, I've spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the dudes of BH High. That sounds illegal, but everyone on that show was, like, 42 during the show's run, so stop judging my ass.

All of this pondering led me to compile a list of pros and cons for each 90210-type-of-bro, so we can find out, once and for all, who would you rather?

David Silver

BAG sporting a unibrow starter's kit

  • Many awkward hair phases.
  • David and Donna were so gross, as told by this video, which is one of the more horrific things even burned into my eyeballs and ear holes.

    BRB, vomiting and bleaching the Earth.

    Bottom Line: Whatever, I can't even keep up this front. DAVEY WAS THE WORST.

    Brandon Walsh

    B Dubs, the stern years.

    • He did charitable shit like bring homeless men home for Thanksgiving dinner and had relationships with Kelly Taylor.
    • He was well-beloved by crazies (Emily Valentine) and bores (Andrea Zuckerman) alike.
    • He had the privilege of sharing a womb with Brenda.
    • He had the second-best dude hair on the show. (Except for that short-lived mullet. Hard pass.)
    • Just..This...

      • He did horrible shit like have relationships with Kelly Taylor.
      • He got kind of judgey over walking Earth treasures Brenda Walsh and Valerie Malone. 
      • These sunglasses fill me with a deep and fiery rage. There's something so Wilford Brimley about them that make me want to throw hot oatmeal.

      Bottom Line: I like Brandon. But do I LIKE like Brandon? Like, loins-like him?

      Dylan McKay

      Okay, so this was IRL Luke Perry, BUT I DON'T CARE.

      • Please see above.
      • That voice.
      • He had the best hair that's ever even graced a friggin' TV screen.
      • He had rough times, but had a heart of GD GOLD.
      • He almost pulled this look off. And that's a lot of look.


      • That tramp-ass-tramp Kelly Taylor.
      • He doesn't love me.

      Bottom Line: Everyone loves Dylan McKay. If you don't, you aren't a living human being. Shit, even ghosts haunting old Victorian-era mansions probably love that mofo.

      Steve Sanders

      Steve loves coochie cutters, and he cannot lie.

      • Steve kind of gave zero effs about ANYTHING.
      • He had a weirdly sexual confidence about him.
      • Semi-unrelated, but, uhhhh....
      • Ian Ziering did this in my life, so major bonus points:


      Bottom Line: Current-day Ian Ziering? Hot. Steve Sanders? Not.

      Conclusion: Please, this was all a flimsy, farce-filled, flim-flam facade! And you fell for it. MUAHAHAHHA. DYLAN MCKAY 4EVA.

      How much do you still love Dylan McKay, one to eight trillion?

      Pin It

      Sunday, December 7, 2014


      I was 100% fully prepared to hate on this Whitney biopic from Lifetime. This is a really tough story to tell, about one of America's vocal treasures, and it's not like that network has a stellar rep when it comes to their tell-all celebrity biopics. So I was expecting straight-up horrible shit before I watched this.

      BUT I WAS WAY WRONG, MAN. This looks really pretty frickin' stellar. Here's why I think this biopic might actually really, really work.

      #1 -- Angela Bassett is directing.

      And if you don't know that Angela Bassett can do no wrong in my heart, now you know.

      #2 -- Ms. Houston is being played by Yaya from America's Next Top Model. And that show is my shit, even though it's one of the most ridiculous things on earth. (I love you, TyTy.) But I don't think that Yaya going to butcher this thing, because this reads very Whitney to me.

      #3 -- The wigs aren't horrible. Whitney went through many hair changes over the time that this movie covers, and I saw very few bad wigs with my eyeballs.


      Now we'll all be waiting to exhale until the premiere of Whitney on Lifetime on January 17th. (Sorry, I had to.)

      Pin It

      Tuesday, October 14, 2014

      I Was On Conan Last Night, And Now I'm "The Audience Lady"

      I'm also a super-slutty liar, according to YouTube comments. But more on that later.

      I went to Southern California this weekend. It was my fifth wedding anniversary, and my husband friggin' loves theme parks. Like, nine-year-old-kid levels of loving theme parks. I attempt to be generous of spirit for 0.0343% of my life, so I decided to go to Disneyland et al with him, even though I was all:

      I was LITERALLY like this while we were there:

      That's me in the blue hat, in the fetal position. Like an actual unborn baby. On a ride created for small children. I hate theme parks.

      But, on a more fun note, I got some tickets to go see a taping of Conan. My husband and I have both been big fans of Conan O'Brien since he started his show in the early 90s (#weold), so I thought it would be perfect for our anniversary trip.

      We decided that I should make a sign for the show, because we had the idea that maybe we would get closer seats or some shit. You know I like to get Latarian in this bitch. So this is what we came up with.

      The bottom one was my husband's original sign idea. I came up with the top one, because it's effing true. Nothing really more to that short-ass story. Except that I suck a big one at drawing (writing?) a block letter 's'. In hindsight, I should have just gone for a solid one of these:

      The next day, we get to the taping and get really great seats. No one even took a cursory look at my sign. I still hadn't decided which side to hold up when Conan came out of the monologue. I'm a shitty planner. Here's part of what happened next.

      We had a good time with it. I got to share a few of my unique crushes (King of Breakfast, anyone?) with America. We three-way hugged Conan after the show. It was a good day.

      Today, I woke up to people texting me this screenshot.

      THE AUDIENCE LADY?!? Did I wake up as a matronly 74 year old? Am I Dorothy Zbornak? Did I menopause overnight? Actually, maybe. I've been having the night sweats. We'll discuss that later.

      I jokingly told a friend that I would rather be called a tramp than a lady. But be careful what you wish for, and all that shit, because then came the YouTube comments. Here are some of my favorites.

      Well, that escalated MF-ing quickly.

      It actually wasn't. At all. Unless you mean a script in my head, where I created a moderately interesting sign on a drugstore posterboard and somehow became a writer for Conan's show. That was my brain script.

      "Shit cray." Okay. Possibly.

      I can be a bitch. How did you know? Are you my mom? Now for the one that hurts the most.

      Screw you, "I'll just pick random numbers as my screen name" person. Screw you.

      Pin It