6 Times You Wished You Were In The Maury Audience

I will not be completely hyperbolic and proclaim that I've seen "every episode of Maury." In fact, I haven't watched it in, like, three years. Okay, two. But, I have experienced a SHIT-TON of MP in my day. The photo above is from my own phone. I have receipts.

I think we all can agree that Maury is batshit insane. Like, if your Tinder/Grindr/Ashley Madison date was like, "You know what I'm really passionate about? Maury Povich," you'd probably promptly finish your non-virgin Shirley Temple with 17 extra cherries and jump out the bathroom window, regardless of safety. (Or maybe just marry them.) But when we keep it real in the diary of our minds, you know that show is entertaining. Open your heart to it, Madonna. It just is.

So I decided to compile so my favorite Maury moments. The times that were so completely ridiculous that you actually wished you were there, so your face could look like this:

We'll start with one of my favorite life moments. I want this to be on my gravestone. Mark my words.

1. When this lady had a cotton ball phobia, but mostly THE COTTON BALL MAN.

Every time I watch this I laugh my b-hole off. I'm sorry that homegirl hates cotton balls and it's ruining her life, or whatever, BUT THIS IS WHY TELEVISION WAS CREATED. For a grown man to go to work and wear a low-rent cotton ball suit and scare mofos. Y'all accepting applications or nah, Maury?

2. When this girl's sister banged dudes for cheeseburgers.

This is actually really sad and terrible. But I had to include it, because I think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. The "out of control teen" came out all defiant and was like, "So what? Cheeseburgers taste good." I hope I never forget it.

3. When this lady found a tooth in her bed and she wasn't missing any fresh teeth. (I don't know her complete dental history.)

Whose tooth just pops off and doesn't notice? Were they eating gummy worms and that bitch just fell out? Was it Sonja Morgan? What is happening?

 

4. Whenever a sexy decoy is involved.

I LOVE SEXY DECOYS. So much so that I might marry them all.

Here's a quick primer on life, dudes: If there's a highly attractive woman in the Maury greenroom, don't make-out, et al with said lady. Especially if you came to the show because someone wants to know, "Did you cheat and get two women pregnant?" Sexy decoys by nature are both sexy and decoys. They don't actually want to see your ween.

5. When this woman found the entire Home Depot ladder aisle stashed backstage and used it to her stunt queen advantage.

And, really, I give her a lot of well-deserved propers, because that is some innovative and dramatic maneuvering.

6. When dudes do "Not the Father" celebratory dances.

And almost all of the world rejoices for some reason. Except for the 5000% girl. She was sad as F.

And I do mean almost everyone -- even the Tupac hologram.

Oh, Maury, never change. You are our beacon of light (and holograms) in this dark, dark world. And here's a pro tip: if you find a tooth in your bed, change the damn sheets, Arica.

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The Most Elegant Moments in Maury History.

Or at least ones that I could readily find on the interwebs. I think that we can all agree that Maury is a national treasure. I don't watch it anymore (I used to DVR that sh*t every damn day), but I have super fond memories of all of the nonsensical madness I've seen on that show over the years. And it should be celebrated, so I am.

The saddest part of this effery is that I remember 99% of these moments. One of my favorite types of Maury eps are the ones that feature people's fears.

I remember this b was freaked out about how cotton balls squeaked. Naturally, they were forced to bring out the cotton ball man. Although, I'm pretty sure this is a Easter Bunny rental suit.

This one was clearly from a paternity test show. SIR, COME THE EFF ON.

Yep, totally watched this one. Dammit, Tom gets blamed for all the world's problems in this b*tch.

I remember this one, too. Dude was totally cheating will a lady whose teeth just fell the eff out at random. ARE THERE NO OTHER PARTNER OPTIONS? Bonus points for liquid liner brow execution.

File this one under "Who could resist that hair flip/eye roll" category.

Hooo boyah.

Listen, if you mom is the pinnacle of feminine beauty and youth like this young lady, you better just keep her away from your rugged cowboy man.

 Is that still cheating? Is the dog hot?

He must moisturize.

How could you NOT sleep with this man with that sexy ass hair helmet waving itself in your face? It shouldn't even count.

This dude was on one of those "controlling husbands" shows, and he became one of my favorite/worst things that's ever happened to me.

I mean, just look in his eyes. Stare into his mustache. I'm obsessed with him.

HE BIT HER F*CKING FINGER BECAUSE SHE GAVE AWAY HIS BOLOGNA SANDWICHES. I couldn't even make up a better story than this. It's the best caption that has ever captioned anything. But trust, homeboy was a major dick.

Well, that's it, mofos. But don't worry, we still have so much to look forward to on upcoming Maury shows.

Pssssh. Who hasn't?

Edit: HOW COULD I FORGET THE CHICKEN TETRAZZINI EPISODE?

Edit #2: What the eff is Chicken Tetrazzini?

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I Have a Really Valid Question for This Maury Guest

Mario or Dee, maybe. But why the hell are you sleeping with dudes with names like Timboo or Black?



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