As I sit here typing this, I am disappointed in myself on so many levels.
I'm sad that I didn't even want to watch this movie, with my well-documented love of the original. I feel shame that I didn't want to support Tori Spelling in her time of need -- like I'm letting down generations of Spellings.
Aaron is smiting me from beyond. Candy has cordoned off (just one of) her former gift-wrapping rooms in protest. Tori is weeping silently as she locks eyes with Dean Whatchamacallem across the decidedly-not-gift-wrapping room. Randy (???) exists somewhere.
So, even though I don't feel like watching this complete nonsense, I will fortify my spirit with cheese and recap the new, James Franco-ed, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Because if not me, then who?
"Noooo onnnnne," hisses Aaron Spelling's spirit, who lives in all of our hearts, like my mom told me about Santa. No one, indeed. So, let's get this over with.
Well, here's the opening screen. And I already have a problem with this Clip Art font with the red glow.
Wait. Did I make this movie in a fugue state and this is my cinematic masterpiece? I would've chosen this shitty shit, because I'm a piece of trash juice garbage and know nothing about anything. Franco, whaddup?
We're now 18 seconds in, and I see a tiny, glimmering beacon of hope at the bottom of the screen. Ivan Sergei, the titular OG Danger is somehow involved in this. I will press on.
JAMES IHA, OF THE SMASHING GD PUMPKINS DID THE MUSIC. Peace be with us, what is happening already.
*The first song that plays is a woman repeating either "cult" or the c-word over and over. Here, we also are told this movie is based upon a novel, and I wonder if I, like all dogs, have gone to heaven.
Our first character (Danger???) is a purported goth with a bump-it and crimped hair. I need so much more cheese fortification.
Danger also loves contour. I tried to tell y'all to stop contouring so much.
At four minutes in, we're hit with the big, dramatic reveal: Danger is a "Nightwalker" or a "Night Walker" or "kind of like a vampire," and features these truly frightening fangs. Un-clench your b-holes, I know you're terrified.
We're now at six minutes, and the protagonist has stabbed her "kind of vampire" girlfriend through the heart after she is bitten by Danger, and Danger says protagonist is now a whatever thing, too. OKAY, COOL. IS THE MOVIE OVER NOW?
Protagonist is now a vampire, or something. So maybe she's Danger. Please send help.
OG Danger is a "Vampires & Sexuality" professor. Holy shit, this is the most James Franco movie that's ever James Franco-ed.
We then get *treated* to 948509483 minutes of Macbeth monologues, including this guy's, whose name is Bob, as 2016 college students are wont to be named. James Franco is, of course, the drama teacher. Treats on treats. It's like Treat Mountain, 90210 over here.
Speaking of treats, we finally rest our tired eyeballs upon Tori, the mother of Probably Actual Protagonist. Still unclear as to who actual Danger might be.
Tori is planning some big Halloween party, for which she gives her daughter protagonist an invitation, in 2016. Side note: Tori actually looks great.
There's a lot of girl-on-girl photography in this movie? (FRANCO-ED!) Also, I guess former assumed protagonist is real Danger. We know because she's wearing liquid liner, while Real Protagonist is Fresh-Faced™ and has Beach Waves™.
I IMDB'd Fresh Face and SHE IS VINCENT D'ONOFRIO'S DAUGHTER.
So, that makes her...my real life step-daughter?
Tori just found out her daughter has a girlfriend in 2016. Read more in Not Shocking Things That Can Happen weekly. Cue a lot of girl-on-girl face touching. (FRANCO-ED!)
But the show must go on! At Macbeth practice, we get a lot of this soft-core erotica while James Franco, drama teacher, plays high-key-trying-to-be-sexy music on a boombox, nods, smirks and says, "I did not direct that." (FRANCO-ED!)
At this point, I would like to remind everyone that Tori Spelling did Jazzercise on the lawn of her college in the original Mother.
Bob sees the "kind of vampire" coven kissing and calls Tori to tell her her daughter is in trouble. (He just has acquaintances' parents' cell phone numbers?) Tori then confronts Fresh Faced about the "bad crowd" she's getting into, to which Fresh Faced replies, "You don't know crap." Then something magical happens. Tori Spelling, née Donna Martin, SAYS "SHIT" IN A LIFETIME MOVIE.
What a time to be alive. This truly is my life's season.
The chill "kind of like a vampire" group then feeds on a would be rapist, so now we're rooting for the vampires? I don't know what's happening. We still have almost an hour to go.
Tori tells FF she can't see the girlfriend anymore, so they go take more ~sexy~ pictures, which is really 97% of this movie.
There is one more scene, where the group tells Real Danger she has to turn FF into a "kind of vampire," then guess what happens? If you guessed MOAR PICTURE TAKIN', you are smart. Or James Franco.
But, meanwhile, somebody's being a real looky-loo.
Danger reveals herself to be a Night Walker (why do they keep saying that?) but explains that she tries to only go after abusive men. So...she's maybe only danger and not Danger. FF runs away. Tori is still hiding in some flora and/or fauna.
More not-at-all-over-the-top brand play practice as James Franco, drama teacher, rubs his facial scruff in the cheap seats.
Then there's graveyard sex because FRANCO-ED! and FF says she still loves Little D danger and wants to become a Night Walker because they'll B 2GETHER 4EVER and just drink each others' blood? I don't think that's how vampires work, but also James Franco seems well-read so what do I know.
It's time for Tori's party, which is like 65% masquerade ball? It's not clear. Bob drugs FF's drink and his face looks like this. If anyone ever looks at you with this face, call the police. There's some kind of ball-shaped pill in your champagne. So maybe Bob is Danger.
As the ball pill kicks in, the mask percentages go up to like 80. Bob becomes DANGER as he takes FF out onto a grassy knoll.
Thankfully, the "kind of vampires" swoop in and dispense of Bob. Bob, we hardly knew ye. Bai.
Tori finds FF right before the knock-off Craft girls bite her and change her into a whatever. Tori's wearing her costume, which I guess is a flapper madame in a Vegas-style show in Branson, Missouri?
Somehow, Bob is back and super smug, just in time for Macbeth. James Franco, drama teacher, makes everyone snap a bunch of times, say "ooga booga" over and over, then it's SHOWTIME.
New Bob is even weirder than old Bob, so DANGER, I guess.
I don't think the play is going that well, but Tori is loving it. FF is playing Macbeth and she's wearing fishnets, so that's how you know it's cool and progressive. And because she's a girl! How topsy-turvy. (FRANCO-ED!)
Bob starts ad libbing and James Franco, drama teacher, is like, "What are they doing?" up in the cheap seats, where drama teachers sit, and Bob is just apparently being a Night Walker on stage like it's no big.
FF runs off the stage so Bob Walker DANGER doesn't kill her, but he and the other whatevers follow her out and the audience is like, "Is this the play?" So, it's just kind of like a normal play and they're just kind of like vampires.
They end up in the sex graveyard, where Tori runs in to save FF. Tori is pretty judgmental as a mom, but she keeps saving her kid from murders, so that's good.
Bob tries to kill Tori, while the Craft lite, but vampires, try to kill FF.
Girlfriend swoops in and starts ripping out tracheas and breaking tombstones.
FF is trying to save Tori by beating Bob with a tombstone gargoyle, and the viewing audience is like, "Whadda way 2 go, amirite?" (FRANCO-ED!)
Weirdly, Bob says "I love you" before the final death blow. (Franco-ed?)
Little danger drags FF out of the sex graveyard after the melee, leaving Tori's dead body. Like, rude but time-saving, I guess?
FF finally gets maybe danger to bite her and make her a why-aren't-we-just-vampires-Night-Walker. Hopefully that works out. Eternity is a long-ass time and y'all just met, but live your undead lives.
We end this cinematic dumpster fire (I mean that in the most loving way) with Bob and the other chill NWs rag-tagging it up at a Halloween party the next year, trolling for vics. Their faces are all looking a little rough from the gargoyle beatings and removed tracheas, but besides that, they're flying high on life blood!
So who is titular new Danger in Franco's masterpiece? I have no idea. I think definitely rapists, and maybe some, but not all, "kind of vampires." (FRANCO-ED!)
This was my opus. Good day.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Monday, December 21, 2015
In the best thing you've ever heard in your life news (no, Koala Yummies aren't coming back), Vulture has just reported that the possible/questionable/it's-just-a-vibe-I-get douche James Franco will be remaking everyone on the planet's favorite movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. Merry Christmas, Happy (belated) Hanukkah, and Happy (early) Kwanzaa.
In even better news, TORI SPELLING MIGHT BE PLAYING THE MOTHER.
You know, this human being.
The person that's always keeping it 100 on the streets. Totally real. (Tor-tally Real?™)
Just stays keeping it all the way real.
Speaking of real talk, I have this shirt. Bye forever. Or until MMISWD reboot is presented to my eyeballs.
Be honest -- is today the most exciting day of your life? If you say no, I don't even know you.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Stop The Charade (To Be Pronounced "Shah-Rhad"): You Will Be Watching Lifetime's "A Deadly Adoption"
Screw the sports whatevers of the world: start planning your MF-ing important watch parties now. Winter might already be here (RIP, RIP), but A DEADLY ADOPTION IS COMING.
If you're still pretending like you will not be partaking in this Will Ferrell/Kristen Wiig spoof-y Lifetime movie, you just quit your stunt queen maneuvers. You will be watching this.
The trailer assures us that all of the typical Lifetime movie bullshit (and by bullshit I mean magical) elements will be present: heaving pregnant bosoms, rich people, ripped martial photographs, annoying curly-haired children, boat-necked flowy tees, crazy women in nude wedges, white trash but hot boyfriends, and peering through door cracks. If you need more than that to entertain you, you must be Queen Elizabeth. If so, good day, ma'am.
This atrocious bit of genius premieres June 20 at 8pm on Lifetime, SO SET YOUR DAMN DVR, FOOL.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
I was 100% fully prepared to hate on this Whitney biopic from Lifetime. This is a really tough story to tell, about one of America's vocal treasures, and it's not like that network has a stellar rep when it comes to their tell-all celebrity biopics. So I was expecting straight-up horrible shit before I watched this.
BUT I WAS WAY WRONG, MAN. This looks really pretty frickin' stellar. Here's why I think this biopic might actually really, really work.
#1 -- Angela Bassett is directing.
And if you don't know that Angela Bassett can do no wrong in my heart, now you know.
#2 -- Ms. Houston is being played by Yaya from America's Next Top Model. And that show is my shit, even though it's one of the most ridiculous things on earth. (I love you, TyTy.) But I don't think that Yaya going to butcher this thing, because this reads very Whitney to me.
#3 -- The wigs aren't horrible. Whitney went through many hair changes over the time that this movie covers, and I saw very few bad wigs with my eyeballs.
Now we'll all be waiting to exhale until the premiere of Whitney on Lifetime on January 17th. (Sorry, I had to.)
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
We open on throngs of screaming kids (Jesus, take the wheel) at a SBTB probable mall appearance in 1990. It's the height of the kids' popularity, and bitches be wilding, et al. "But it wasn't always this way," Screech ruminates, and we go back TWO WHOLE YEARS to see the rocky start.
Right from the jump off we learn that this is Screech's (okay, Dustin Diamond, complete birth name) story. Well, kind of. He's apparently an executive producer, but didn't contribute to the script. Or the production. This shit is way #unauthorized. And jankety.
We learn that the OG show was called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, because HELLO, IT'S HAYLEY MF-ING MILLS. Google that shit if you're too young to pick up what I'm throwing down. Blah, blah, blah, it gets cancelled and morphs into Saved by the Bell. My favorite part during this "act" was the total shade thrown at Jennie Garth, who was up for the Kelly Kapowski part. The show biz-y mofo's were all, "We can do better." HAHAHA. Take that, Kelly Taylor!
The kids are doing their boring homeschool, or whatever you call on-set learin' times, and we get to see Slater wearing all of THIS. We also get to see Zach (Zack?) dying his roots. I feel you, bro.
The big wigs tell the kids that the ratings suck a fat one. But don't worry, the ratings are amazing in the next scene! Wowee wowee wow!
Now we're back to the opening scene, where girls are literally ripping the shirt from Zach(k)'s tiny body. Is this nip pic illegal? Also, everyone in this movies seems super Canadian.
We next see Screech going through such tough times as: not getting groupie strange and the wardrobe lady saying, "I hate working with kids!" Ruff. This all leads to daydreams comprised of whatever the eff this is:
|via lifetime tv tumblr|
I 100% had that shirt in 1993. I'm talking about Mark-Paul's. Why is this my life?
Everyone starts hating Screech/Dustin's ass because he laughed at Jessie/Elizabeth's hilarious "I'm so excited...I'm so...scared," pill scene, so he goes on a garbage-can-kicking/drinking-straight-vodka-from-a-flask binge. Sacre bleu! (Remind me to tell you the story of me throwing up in the yard of a party after drinking a water bottle filled with vodka at 16. It was a straight horror movie. You've got to come harder than that, Screech/Dustin.)
Then Screech/Dustin allegedly punches out this kid, which I can 100% guarantee did not happen IRL. He also does karate and drinks from a flask again. Where the shit does a 16 year old kid get a flask? I don't even have a flask and I'm a grown ass woman. Do I need a flask? Is that what the kids are doing these days?
All the kids are doing press tours, and poor Screech/Dustin has to go to Spartanburg, SC (NC?). NOT PARIS, USA. He again drinks from the flask, which may or may not have a dragon on it. It might be a yin yang symbol. Again, unclear. He also tells his dad that he got laid. Guh-ross, amirite?
Everything starts going crazy (in the most tame way possible). Jessie and Kelly quit, and Screech/Dustin starts taking the marijuanas. THE GATEWAY DRUG. After being a total druggy, Screech/Dustin get blackmailed over a video of him smoking pot. I mean, how much can one person take?!?
Finally, the children all graduate and we can put this shitshow to bed. This was the least scandalous unauthorized form of anything that I've ever seen. I was 0.000000% shocked by anything. Good job not being terrible kids, I guess?
Did you watch this mess? What did you think?