I don't love very many things. Like, probably three to seven, max. But GD-it, I LOVE LIFETIME MOVIES. I'm pretty certain that I have seen a solid 90% of them, too. After single-handedly keeping the Lifetime networks alive for the past 20 years, I have cultivated my top 10 reasons why you should be all up on Lifetime movies.
1. The titles. Even JD Salinger couldn't have come up with a better name than, "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?"
2. Like a fine wine (what's that like?), they just get better with age. There's nothing better than a 90s LM starring the likes of Fred Savage or Tiffani (I'LL NEVER LET GO OF AMBER, SO SUCK IT) Thiessen. But ultimately, it's all about Shannen Doherty, and don't you forget that shit.
3. You can relive your favorite true crime stories without trolling super creepy message boards, and getting flagged by the FBI. Thanks for the memories, "Drew Peterson."
P.S. YOU'RE HOT, ROB LOWE, SO QUIT PLAYIN'. YOU'RE CONFUSING OUR SEXY PARTS.
4. Bitches be crazy. Lifetime movies usually involve at least one way over-the-top crazy ass crazy, which is the ultimate in entertainment.
Okay, okay. This isn't even from the Lifetime version, but I can't live my life without this GIF.
5. You get to see Lindsay Lohan do shit like this, which never gets old.
6. Where else can you experience ground-breaking television moments like the guy from Office Space clutching women's underwear to his chest? Nowhere, that's where.
7. High fashion moments in history. Do you like dudes running in the shortest of short shorts in the 80s? (Who the f doesn't?) Turn on Lifetime Movie Network for five minutes.
8. Regardless of the movie plot, it will be dramatic as shit. Looking for titles that contain the phrase, "The Perfect ______," will lead you to the highest dramatic return for your time.
Bonus points if it stars someone from either Charles in Charge or Melrose Place.
9. They make history fun! And murder-y. Lizzie Borden was (ALLEGEDLY) guilty as hell, I now know. AKA, Lifetime movies make you smarter.
10. This is where bad friggin' hair lives comfortably, and is 0% ashamed of itself.
Mother, may I get a terrible haircut that involves wispy bangs? Don't lie. This is one of the top seven worst haircuts you've ever seen.
You can't tell how bad these Faux-di Arias extensions are from this picture, but they were nightmare inducing. I still think about them regularly. Like, Season-One-Orange-is-the-New-Black-Piper's-flashback-extensions bad.
Speaking of bad Jodi Arias hair, this is her real-life cellmate:
Try not to fall in love.