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Showing posts with label TV Movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV Movie. Show all posts

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Top 10 Reasons That Lifetime Movies Are The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To You

I don't love very many things. Like, probably three to seven, max. But GD-it, I LOVE LIFETIME MOVIES. I'm pretty certain that I have seen a solid 90% of them, too. After single-handedly keeping the Lifetime networks alive for the past 20 years, I have cultivated my top 10 reasons why you should be all up on Lifetime movies.


1. The titles. Even JD Salinger couldn't have come up with a better name than, "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?"


2. Like a fine wine (what's that like?), they just get better with age. There's nothing better than a 90s LM starring the likes of Fred Savage or Tiffani (I'LL NEVER LET GO OF AMBER, SO SUCK IT) Thiessen. But ultimately, it's all about Shannen Doherty, and don't you forget that shit.


3. You can relive your favorite true crime stories without trolling super creepy message boards, and getting flagged by the FBI. Thanks for the memories, "Drew Peterson."


P.S. YOU'RE HOT, ROB LOWE, SO QUIT PLAYIN'. YOU'RE CONFUSING OUR SEXY PARTS.

4. Bitches be crazy. Lifetime movies usually involve at least one way over-the-top crazy ass crazy, which is the ultimate in entertainment.


Okay, okay. This isn't even from the Lifetime version, but I can't live my life without this GIF.

5. You get to see Lindsay Lohan do shit like this, which never gets old.


6. Where else can you experience ground-breaking television moments like the guy from Office Space clutching women's underwear to his chest? Nowhere, that's where.


7. High fashion moments in history. Do you like dudes running in the shortest of short shorts in the 80s? (Who the f doesn't?) Turn on Lifetime Movie Network for five minutes.


8. Regardless of the movie plot, it will be dramatic as shit. Looking for titles that contain the phrase, "The Perfect ______," will lead you to the highest dramatic return for your time.


Bonus points if it stars someone from either Charles in Charge or Melrose Place.

9. They make history fun! And murder-y. Lizzie Borden was (ALLEGEDLY) guilty as hell, I now know. AKA, Lifetime movies make you smarter.


10. This is where bad friggin' hair lives comfortably, and is 0% ashamed of itself.


Mother, may I get a terrible haircut that involves wispy bangs? Don't lie. This is one of the top seven worst haircuts you've ever seen.


You can't tell how bad these Faux-di Arias extensions are from this picture, but they were nightmare inducing. I still think about them regularly. Like, Season-One-Orange-is-the-New-Black-Piper's-flashback-extensions bad.

Speaking of bad Jodi Arias hair, this is her real-life cellmate:


Try not to fall in love.




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Monday, November 26, 2012

Oh, Liz & Dick.

As I told you yesterday, I am doing a little mini review (???), or maybe just my random thoughts on last night's cinematic blah-sterpiece that is Lifetime's Liz & Dick. Here are some moments I felt necessary to photograph while I watched.

I need this snake thing.

It's Creed from The Office!

This whole scene was so fake and weird. It looked like it was filmed in front of an Olan Mills studio backdrop.

I'm sorry, but I love everything about this image.

Miranda's STEVE from Sex and the City! (He only had one ball.)

Totally my favorite moment from the movie. "Man Marries Duck! Court Cries Foul!" I can't even handle it.

Homeboy's hair was TURRIBLE the entire movie.

Lindsay looked the most like Elizabeth Taylor when she was in the "White Diamonds" phase. By a total landslide.
My thoughts of the movie as a whole -- the pace was completely weird. It was like a period of a few years was drawn the eff out over 1:45, and then twenty years were shoved into an awkward fifteen minutes. It was like, "Oh, hey. We're getting back together. We're married again; oh wait -- just got divorced. We're older -- Burton died." That is sadly not even an exaggeration.

A couple of other notable things included that the beauty mark drawn on Lilo's face kept jumping sides. It would be on the left side of her face, then in the next scene on the right. CAN YOU NOT KEEP TRACK OF THAT ISH? Keep a journal, or something. Then, there was an entire scene about Elizabeth Taylor having "pudgy hands." Like a ten minute scene spent on the topic. I sh*t you not.

Overall, I was pretty bored. It wasn't terrible, but I definitely would not watch that mess again. And I think that Elizabeth Taylor would be PISSED about the movie. Did you guys watch it? What did you think?



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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Wait, Lifetime Hasn't Already Made This Ish Into a Movie?!?

TMZ broke the exciting news (to me) that Lifetime is currently casting a movie depicting the life of Anna Nicole Smith. So, YES to that news. I love a tawdry ass Lifetime movie. Is there anything better? Here are my picks for to play this, ahem, interesting cast of characters.

Anna Nicole Smith --
 
My picks for Anna Nicole are Amanda Bynes as young AN, and Lilo as the older. And if you don't agree with me on this one, then...



Howard K. Stern -- In case you aren't completely up to date on Anna's daily life (What have you been doing???) Howard was ANS's long time lawyer and maybe lover (gross) and fake baby daddy.

I think that Michael Richards, aka Kramer from Seinfeld would be a great Howard. He's like a good 20 years older, but whatevs, it's fine.

Anna's son, Daniel --
Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars is a pretty damn close match to AN's son, Daniel. I don't even know if he's really an actor, and he would have to do a little brow maintenance, but that ish is on point.

P.S. When I was googling to find a picture of Daniel, the FIRST picture that came up was a picture of his dead body. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE? Is that what we're doing now??? The answer is no, we are not.

J. Howard Marshall -- This was that old homeboy that Anna married when she was like 20 and he was like 2840329.

If Herbert from Family Guy isn't a dead ringer for J. Howard, I don't know who the eff is. Ol' Herbs is clearly a cartoon, so maybe they could work a little Roger Rabbit magic on this piece.

E. Pierce Marshall -- J. Howard's son, who fought AN in court forever because she wanted homie's money. (Whaaaaaat?)

I think George W. Bush is a shoe in to play this dude. They're both from Texas, and let's be real -- old white guys pretty much look the same. My dad is also a good candidate.

Larry Birkhead -- Dude was a paparazzi, Anna's REAL baby daddy, and always seemed somewhat douchey. (Seriously, the movie is going to be so freakin' awesome.)

Larry HAS to be played by Keith Urban. They are total chunky highlight twinsies.

Will you guys be watching this trainwreck of a TV movie? Please believe, I will be calling into work the next day, because this ish will be parrr-tayyy time at my house. Do you have any better ideas of casting for these hoes? Let's discuss this mess.

Thanks to Sara for emailing me this hot mess and forcing me to write about it.


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