Showing posts with label Quit Lying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quit Lying. Show all posts

Monday, June 15, 2015

Stop The Charade (To Be Pronounced "Shah-Rhad"): You Will Be Watching Lifetime's "A Deadly Adoption"

Screw the sports whatevers of the world: start planning your MF-ing important watch parties now. Winter might already be here (RIP, RIP), but A DEADLY ADOPTION IS COMING.

If you're still pretending like you will not be partaking in this Will Ferrell/Kristen Wiig spoof-y Lifetime movie, you just quit your stunt queen maneuvers. You will be watching this.

The trailer assures us that all of the typical Lifetime movie bullshit (and by bullshit I mean magical) elements will be present: heaving pregnant bosoms, rich people, ripped martial photographs, annoying curly-haired children, boat-necked flowy tees, crazy women in nude wedges, white trash but hot boyfriends, and peering through door cracks. If you need more than that to entertain you, you must be Queen Elizabeth. If so, good day, ma'am.

This atrocious bit of genius premieres June 20 at 8pm on Lifetime, SO SET YOUR DAMN DVR, FOOL.

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Thursday, March 27, 2014

Zac Efron Got Into Fisticuffs With Some Homeless Dudes, Let's Infer What The Hell He Was Doing.

nice shark tooth, bud.
Whaddup with, Zac Efron? Stuff's been kind of shady ass with Zac lately, from that weird broken jaw story to now this new shit from TMZ, where Effie got into a legit street fight with three men sans houses. Here's the maybe story:

We're told cops were on patrol under the Harbor Freeway when they saw Zac and a man he identified as his bodyguard.  Cops saw Zac and the other guy in a full-blown melee with at least 3 other people. 

After breaking up the fight, cops questioned Zac. He told them they had run out of gas and were sitting in the car.  Zac said while waiting for a tow truck they threw a bottle out the window -- he never said what was in the bottle -- and it smashed on the pavement near a group of transients.

Zac said the transients confronted him and the bodyguard because they believed the pair hurled the bottle at them. Zac says 2 of the transients attacked the bodyguard and when Zac got out of the car to help, he got cold cocked in the mouth. Zac said, "It was the hardest I've ever been hit in my life."

Erm, okay. That story sounds like some complete and utter bullshit. So instead of scooping that faux knowledge into our innocent brains, let's make up what might have been going on in this enigma-filled situation. (Beyond the obvious late night hoodrat activities that are pretty likely.)

He was practicing for his newly-formed street gang.

Level of Probability: 10. Please, if you don't want to be in a dancing street gang, then you can get the hell out of here.

He wanted to finish watching Frozen in the car before he got home, and the homeless dudes hate "Let it Go."

Level of Probability: 8. "Let it Go" is super annoying.

He was trying to make a Mentos/Diet Coke bottle rocket for his science project, and it totally sucked.

Level of Probability: 6. That hypothesis was way off.

His sea monkey colony quit that bitch and jumped out the window.

Level of Probability: Unknown. I wasn't allow to have sea monkeys, so I really can't judge their lifestyle choices.

He wanted the guys to read him Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark for a bedtime story, but those dudes were more Goosebumps fans.

Level of Probability: 7. It's a personal preference. I totally get it.

He thought the transient men were vampires, so he was donating his blood.

Level of Probability: 4. Generosity killed the cat, or something.

They were all playing a rousing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos together and shit got heated.

Level of Probability: 8. One dude was totally hogging the pink one. You know it.

Okay, I'm all out of ideas. My brain is in shambles. What do you guys think happened?

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