Saturday, March 3, 2018

You Can Keep Your Damn Beauty Samples

Hi. Remember me? I'm drunk. (I KNOW, J'SUPRISE.) Okay, I'm not DRUNK drunk, just like 4/7s drunk. I had two glasses of wine, and felt inspired to do something. Like Lindsay Lohan trying out a new accent. So here I am, spreading my horrible beauty opinions again, like a Jeffree Star/Typhoid Mary hybrid.

I have to be honest, like I am about thinking Justin Bieber's dad is objectively super hot, some of y'all might not be down with the opinion I'm about to spew forth:


I know. You're about to be all, "But it's so fun and new and fresh and new and fresh and also new." But like liking This Is Us—you are wrong.

Let me say, whenever I buy something from Sephora and they try to give me some damn samps, I am v much like:

Keep your Armani Blue Wave Kool Splash Zone cologne sample, honey girl. I am not interested.

Like Rueben Studdard, I'm Sorry for 2004, but I have my reasons. Just hear me out. 

They're Too Small To Do Shit

Listen, Sapphire the beautiful sales associate who somehow looks hot as f wearing gray-ass matte lipstick, I don't need to try anything doled out in a metric amount of less than a thimble. How will I even know if I like an eye cream that I can try on half of one crow's foot-laden under eye? I NEED A GD VAT OF ANYTHING. My cells are literally dying by the millisecond over here. Help a bitch.

Or I need at least more than a literal swipe of foundation. I will never be like, "Oh, I love how this foundation worked on 17% of my forehead. This is a yes for me. Sign me all the way up!" Who can even get one use out of these damn things? David the Gnome

And that's not even my only issue.

I Don't Need to Like More Things

Listen, my beauty routine is exten-muthaeffing-sive. I already have too much shit. The last thing I need is more shit.

What happens if I try one dot of a miracle serum, fall Justin-Bieber's-dad-style in love, then find out it's $457 for one fluid ounce? I will have to move to the moon. It's my only option. And it's cheaper.

I don't need new things. Period. Keep your new things. Especially the spendy sort. I'm old as hell. I still shop at Forever21, because I literally only have two pennies to rub together.

So, beauty samples? All I have to say is...

See you in two years, or something.

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