You Can Keep Your Damn Beauty Samples

Hi. Remember me? I'm drunk. (I KNOW, J'SUPRISE.) Okay, I'm not DRUNK drunk, just like 4/7s drunk. I had two glasses of wine, and felt inspired to do something. Like Lindsay Lohan trying out a new accent. So here I am, spreading my horrible beauty opinions again, like a Jeffree Star/Typhoid Mary hybrid.

I have to be honest, like I am about thinking Justin Bieber's dad is objectively super hot, some of y'all might not be down with the opinion I'm about to spew forth:

I HATE BEAUTY PRODUCT SAMPLES.

I know. You're about to be all, "But it's so fun and new and fresh and new and fresh and also new." But like liking This Is Us—you are wrong.

Let me say, whenever I buy something from Sephora and they try to give me some damn samps, I am v much like:

Keep your Armani Blue Wave Kool Splash Zone cologne sample, honey girl. I am not interested.

Like Rueben Studdard, I'm Sorry for 2004, but I have my reasons. Just hear me out. 

They're Too Small To Do Shit

Listen, Sapphire the beautiful sales associate who somehow looks hot as f wearing gray-ass matte lipstick, I don't need to try anything doled out in a metric amount of less than a thimble. How will I even know if I like an eye cream that I can try on half of one crow's foot-laden under eye? I NEED A GD VAT OF ANYTHING. My cells are literally dying by the millisecond over here. Help a bitch.

Or I need at least more than a literal swipe of foundation. I will never be like, "Oh, I love how this foundation worked on 17% of my forehead. This is a yes for me. Sign me all the way up!" Who can even get one use out of these damn things? David the Gnome? 

And that's not even my only issue.

I Don't Need to Like More Things

Listen, my beauty routine is exten-muthaeffing-sive. I already have too much shit. The last thing I need is more shit.

What happens if I try one dot of a miracle serum, fall Justin-Bieber's-dad-style in love, then find out it's $457 for one fluid ounce? I will have to move to the moon. It's my only option. And it's cheaper.

I don't need new things. Period. Keep your new things. Especially the spendy sort. I'm old as hell. I still shop at Forever21, because I literally only have two pennies to rub together.

So, beauty samples? All I have to say is...

See you in two years, or something.

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Zac Efron Now Has An '80s Dad 'Stache

Zac Efron out in LA with Sami Miró and their Puppy on December 17th. pic.twitter.com/5DQpBoi4Zk
— Zac Efron's Crew (@ZacEfronsCrew) December 18, 2014

Today's entry into the "Diary of I'm-Trying-To-Hide-My-Hot-From-You" is Zac Efron, with his freshly grown tragi-stache. (He's also accompanied by a beatnik poet that performs in biker bars. Or maybe a girlfriend? One can never really be sure.)

I can't handle this mustache in any way, shape or form. Probably because it's a hair (har har) too close of my dad's own facial hair, and that sends up a big ol' NOPE flag to proudly flap high into the dude sky.

Let's look past the fact that I'm dressed in something that Bubbles the chimp might wear, and note the disturbing follicular similarities. If Efron starts wearing THOSE glasses, I'm quitting this bitch. And by bitch, I mean Earth.




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10 Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not A Dude

Let's be real, dudes have it easier in a multitude of ways. I'm not going to list them now, we're all painfully aware of that shit. But with Thanksgiving coming up, and everyone flooding your social media with "OMGZZZZ I'M SO THANKFUL FOR FLOWERS #WHATIMTHANKFULFOR2014," I thought I would turn the tables with my thoughts on why I'm so glad I'm NOT a dude.

#1 -- Pretty much zero clothing options. "Hmmm. Should I wear this boring-ass shirt and these semi-blah pants or THIS boring-ass shirt with THESE semi-blah pants? Decisions, decisions." And shoe options are, like, boat shoes or something else that's almost as bad as a boat shoe.

My Brother Lenny Kravitz!! #nowthatsludicrous 😳😳😳😳 #lovethisscarf #someshitiwoulddo

A photo posted by @ludacris on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:16am PST

Unless you're Lenny Kravtiz. Then you do whatever the hell you want.

#2 -- Being expected to do socially constructed "mantivities." This definitely goes both ways when it comes to gender (OBVS -- why am I supposed to be the cooker/cleaner/caretaker/whatever? Dumb.), but guys are traditionally expected to do the grossest tasks like killing bugs or other varmints and taking out the leaky, garbage juice-soaked trash. Plus, it's assumed that you watch sports things. NOPE.

#3 -- Your ween telling you to do shit like this.



Dudes be lookin' gross like woah.

#4 -- And really, just having a wang at all.



Doesn't it just get in the way all the time? It sounds annoying. Vaginas 4 LYFE.

#5 -- Dude brain logic.

He took his nephew to the zoo!

A photo posted by Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) on Nov 11, 2014 at 4:44pm PST

This guy's brain told him that this was totally cool to say. How is this real life? STOP THE INSANITY.

#6 -- Basic haircuts (typically). Most dudes have one of three or so haircuts. And if you branch out, the results can be dreadful.

#7 -- Balls.

#8 -- Beards. JK, beards are dope and I wish I had one. I almost want to get a beard weave, like this guy.

This "beard weave" makeover shit is a horrible joke, right? #ANTMCycle21 pic.twitter.com/5rcgxIphDn
— Shannon Ray (@glossanddirt) September 9, 2014

JK times two. That beard weave is ridiculous. Mine would be made from unicorn manes and have beads or other accoutrements.

#9 -- Being a stanky ass b. Guys smell worse. I'm sorry, it's science.

via holymaurymotherofgod

Dammit, Danjuma! I'm getting real tired of your bullshit.

#10 -- People judge your ass for beautifying stuff. Okay, this is a tough one. Women are EXPECTED to do crap to enhance our looks, but if a dude gets a manicure, or a spray tan, or wears any kind of makeup, people get weird about it. Who cares? Let people do whatever the eff they want to themselves. Or don't do what they want to themselves. Both ways. Ladies that don't want to shave their bodies and guys that wear lip gloss? Get over it, world. It's not your life.

What did I leave out? What makes you thankful to be lady-folk? It's Thanksgiving times!



videos via reddit cringe

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What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair

OK people, what's your verdict on Robert Pattinson's new haircut? http://t.co/A5Xat1ifhL pic.twitter.com/EuQxVKjeTI
— E! Online UK (@EOnlineUK) November 14, 2014

What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.

This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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Oh, Hell Naw News Of The Day: Ariana Grande Is Remaking "The Boy Is Mine"

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:02am PST

This is the face of a person that thinks that they are above the Brandy/Monica laws of nature. I think not, ponytail! Ariana Grande and Jessie J ARE REMAKING "THE BOY IS MINE" AND EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.



Ariana Grande is one of those people that seems to be just a general annoyance to me. I don't know what it is, I really have nothing to base these feelings upon, it's just a thing. Like an orange. It's just something that exists.

But this has crossed the MF-ing line into something that is personal to me. "The Boy Is Mine" is one of my songs. It came out in 1998, which was my junior year of high school. (Save the comments for your mom-ments, I don't want to hear about my elderly nature.) My friend Jodell and I learned all of the lyrics, and would play each part (I think I was Monica) and sing our faces off, long-ass acrylic nails waving in the air while we drove around in her teal Eagle something-or-other. (RIP Eagle something-or-others.) Here's a visual, so you can imagine me during that era:

Try not to jump off the nearest bridge in a fit of jealousy. You can clearly see why I don't want this time in my life tarnished by the likes of an Ariana Grande and her clip-on ponytail. Has Ariana Grande ever worn a Contempo Casuals sheer button-up top while driving around in her Honda Civic that she worked overtime hours for so she could get the gold accessories package? I think not. Homie didn't even live in a time before flat irons. I mean, look at my hair in that picture. Those are hardships.

I DO NOT co-sign this tom foolery. Leave the OGs to their OG-ing, Grande.


via vulture/my friend Kelly with the tip-off


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Farrah Abraham Uses Frozen To Stunt Queen For Ween

via farrah's twitter

This story is about Farrah Abraham being ridiculous and inappropriate, part 4958630. I know, color yourself shocked. On this particular occasion, the grossness lies in the decision to dress up as a character in a Disney movie to sell her sex toys. In case you've found yourself unawares, F Dot sells molds of her lower bathing suit area for dudes to do sex things with. Yay for all!

This is so offensive to me. No, not that she's using a kids' movie to sell sex stuff. I'm talking about this shitty costume. What the hell is on homegirl's head? It looks like a mangled marching band hat and Mother Goose had an alien baby. Her legs are spray-painted white for no explicable reason. She's wearing gloves that really only belong inside a Spears/Federline wedding photo.

Inappropriate as eff. And worst of all, WHERE THE SHIT IS YOUR WIG?

If you're going to pull some stunt shit, pull some stunt shit. Don't half-ass it. Maybe take a page from a better stunt queen's book, bb.

See more pictures of this great tragedy in American history over at Uproxx. I have to go floss, or something. Everything is gross.



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Tori Spelling Might Not Know Where Babies Come From

I have to keep it honest. I haven't seen True Tori because I've heard that it's fakety fake fake and, more importantly, IT'S NOT MOTHER, MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER. Or even anything remotely related to Donna Martin (or even Ray Pruit), so why bother?

Upon watching the trailer for the upcoming season of True Tori, I have discovered that there are so many issues with this show, which we are to believe is a damn slice of life from the Spelling/whatever-dude's-name-is home.

Namely, we are supposed to believe that Tori has never seen a picture of the (probably faux) mistress person? And it's been, like, a year? Pshaw, lady. Pshaw to that. You would have googled that mofo in 2.3 seconds. You would have probably set up a google alert in her name.

I'll take TS on the Maury show and lie-detect her ass to prove that that shit's not true. Not to mention, even if we're to believe that complete and utter nonsense, we are also to accept that you're walking around with 8x10 glossies of homegirl in a manila envelope? Unopened? Just one more pshaw over that, because it needs it. PSHAW.

But let's move on to the real meat and potatoes of this pot pie of ridiculousness. TORI REVEALS THAT SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT.

Okay, so you don't even know? Are finances so dire that boo boo can't buy an EPT test? I'll send a check for $6, if that's the case. Or start a kickstarter. Or maybe steal a deluxe ribbon from one of Candy Spelling's gift-wrapping rooms and sell it on eBay.

Also, is it unclear how one becomes pregnant? Because she has four kids, so I would think one might have figured that shit out by now. Maybe get to googling that, too.

Bottom line, I can't deal with this hot mess express of a purported reality show. Someone just watch it and tell me what happens. And maybe let me know how fake it is on a scale of Big Foot (not fake) to Lindsay Lohan's head hairs (fake).

Instead, I think I'll watch the world's worst pseudo fall on repeat.



How do you talk to an angel? How do you hold her close to where you are?






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Hope You Have Your Apocalypse Preparedness Kit Ready -- Here's The Selfie Hairbrush

via selfie brush website

The end is nigh, man. I am ashamed to report (like April O'Neil) that there is an actual product called the Selfie Brush. And, no, this isn't a Mom Jeans-esque SNL skit. This is real, actual life.

 I have so, so many issues with this thing. Here are some of them:

• Why?
• The double fedora action above.
• The way the girl on the right's shirt is tied.
• The way a person would look talking on this. It would be worse than those old timey handset things.
• Why?
• There are only 4.3% of purses that could accommodate that beast.
• I really don't care to rub my phone through my dirty-ass hair. (Yes, I have a hygiene problem.)
• How do you even hold this when you're using your actual phone for actual phone things?
• No, seriously, WHY?

What hurts the most is that this thing is made by the Wet Brush people, and I would sell 37% of my teeth to always have one of those puppies. Why are you effing with us so, Wet Brush People? Just keep those glorious Wet Brushes coming.

via selfie brush website

If you want to buy one of these for everyone you hate, you can buy them here. Jesus, take the wheel. This is exactly why we can't have nice things.




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50 Things I'd Rather Watch Than The Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer

As I'm sure you've heard MF-ing everywhere today, the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out. I know that a lot of people are really excited about this sexual release (heh, I'm 13), but I happen to give exactly zero effs about this movie. I was not into the books, and now this trailer is even making me question my attraction to Jamie Dornan, which is some extreme shit.

So, instead of forcing myself to feign interest in this nonsense, I've created a list of the top 50 things that I would rather watch than the Fifty Shades trailer. Please join my ass.

#50 -- Gregg's comedy routine

#49 --The Sex and the City episodes when Carrie is dating Aleksandr Petrovsky

#48 -- Kim Zolciak's solo reality show

#47 -- The Neverending Story 2

#46 --  This, forever.

#45 -- Old episodes of Jon and Kate Plus 8

#44 -- Hummingbirds doing sex things to each other

#43 -- Anything this kid does

#42 -- Old people eating soup

#41 -- A documentary about math homework

#40 -- Someone doing math homework

#39 -- A teacher grading math homework

#38 -- Any infomercial

#37 -- That guy picking up all of those Cheetos

#36 -- A movie about Britney Spears eating Cheetos

#35 -- Tammy thinking it wasn't not funny

#34 -- Paris Hilton dancing to her own music (I'm sure that happens a lot)

#33 -- One of my parents trying to open an email attachment

#32 -- A stranger browsing for culottes at Kohl's

#31 -- The Amy Fisher adult movie

#30 -- A John Wayne Bobbitt adult movie

#29 -- Dogs eating ice cream

#28 -- Cats eating ice cream

#27 -- The "My Heart Will Go On" Music Video

#26 -- A short animated film based on Cathy comics...

#25 -- ...voiced by a drunk Jessica Simpson

#24 -- Farrah Abraham crying

#23 -- Heidi Montag crying

#22 -- On the Line

#21 -- A Creed/Nickelback tribute band playing live

#20 -- Someone making a Fred Durst dick pic collage

#19 -- Tara Reid getting a pair of flared jeans hemmed

#18 -- Baby spiders hatching (nope, never mind)

#17 -- A trained baby spider circus (better)

#16 -- Trya Banks doing a monologue about herself

#15 -- A surveillance tape of alley rats rolling about in garbage

#14 -- Two glasses of milk warming to room temperature on the kitchen counter

#13 -- Katie Holmes painting her nails with a nude polish

#12 -- A remake of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

#11 -- Everyone in the world trying on Crocs at once

#10 -- A cow eating a bag of baby spinach

#9 -- Third graders learning how to play the recorder

#8 -- Richard Simmons creating an original choreography to "Party Rock Anthem"

#7 -- Myself in the mirror eating a pizza Lunchables

#6 -- Kristen Stewart washing her face with a bar of Ivory soap

#5 -- A rousing ShowBiz Pizza performance

#4 -- Dry ass toast sitting on a used Subway napkin

#3 -- Elizabeth Berkley reprising her Showgirls role in a community theater production

#2 -- All of the Kardashians shopping for hoop earrings at Claire's Boutique

#1 -- The Bachelor (just kidding, I choose death)

Are you guys excited about this movie? Am I just being a crotchety ole bitch, or what?


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An Open Letter To Jennifer Love Hewitt: I'm So Sorry, But We Can't Have Blonde Hair.

Hey, J. Love, (Are we still doing that? No?)

I came across the segment of you on Ellen yesterday. I noticed something from jump street that made me feel a little uneasy, but I ignored it. I tried, instead, to focus on how much you've calmed your (literal) tits and how at-ease you now seem in comparison to your former, way over-sharing ways. I like this new you. You seem quite genuine and lovely, so I pushed my bitchy ass thoughts aside.

Then my friend (Hey, V) tagged me in a post about you, with a picture similar to the one above, on Facebook, and I voiced my displeasure about your current hair color haps. Then I tried to move on with my life. I really did. I went to get a coffee. I gave my dog her dog pills. I tried to think of other things to ponder, like how many times we will get to see Eric Northman's ass on this season of True Blood. Or why I can't stop watching Silence of the Lambs, like, nonstop.

BUT I COULDN'T GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY MF-ING HEAD. Listen, I'm the last person that should judge a person's hair decisions. I make terrible life decisions, especially when it comes to my hair color. I'm that person that dyes their hair with blue-black boxed dye for several years, decides they want to be blonde, gets their hair done every two weeks until it's platinum blonde, then promptly dyes over it with black boxed dye again. I'm the actual worst hair-related-decision-making human.

That's why I feel like I can tell you this. I'm right here with you, sister. We can't be blonde. At least not this blonde. And, unlike you, I was born a blonde. (I watched every damn episode of Kids Incorporated, honey. From Fergie to you. Don't try me.) So it really hurts my nearly-unfeeling heart.

I blocked my friend's face so he won't have to be embarrassed by my hair choices.

LOOK AT US, JLH. WE LOOK LIKE A GD MATCHING SET OF MANILLA ENVELOPES, MAN. I'm not saying this to be a huge c-face (this time). I just wish someone had told me sooner.

I just got my hair done the other day, and when I told my stylist that I wanted to add a little more blonde, he said, "Okay, but you can't have too much near your face. Your skin tone has yellow undertones and your eyes are dark. It won't look right." That's the first time that a professional has told me that. Ever. In all of my precarious hair coloring history. Which is nearing 20 years. And he was right as a mofo.

I'm so sorry that I have to be the one to tell you. I know that it's shitty, but we can't all be blonde. It's like me, you and Jodi Arias. Them's the breaks, kid. Someone had to tell you.

At least you have a great rack, seem extremely sweet, and look absolutely beautiful with your various other hair colors. It gets better.

You have my deepest regrets,

Shan



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Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham Has A New Music Video Called "Blowin," And It's About Breezes, Or Something, YOU SICK EFFS.

I'm going to be honest. I have zero friggin' clues what this song is even about. I can really only make out the following things: cele-bruh-dee, friend requestin', stars, and getting air. Wait, is this a fan fiction about White Men Can't Jump? P.S. You can't name your song "Blowin" if you've done porn stuffs. It's an unwritten rule in humanity.

I love when this low-rent shit says, "Official Video," like Meryl Streep made an unofficial video, and Farrah doesn't want anyone to be confused. Also, why is your child in this video? The rest of it is drinking with alleged "fans" and writhing about next to a barn prison door, so I don't really see a need to bring children of the world into this mess. But let's not forget the best part:

Dancing in her twitter avatar box thingy! Homegirl, you are not Alice from The Brady Bunch.

I've had about enough.



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TGIF! Who Wants To Sing Sensually With Someone Named 'Keyboard Cathy' About Sashimi?

Oh, man. You know it's going to be great music video experience when that little artist/title thingy doesn't leave the corner of the screen for well over a minute. You really know that things are headed to Perfection-ville, population Cathy, when she removes her sunglasses apparatus from her sensible Lens Crafters creations. Those were NOT from the $99 wall, I can almost guarantee.

But then things start taking an odd turn for me. When KC goes on about "tasting adventure," sh*t got weird. Keyboard Cathy clearly very feels VERY sensual feelings about sashimi, you guys. Wait. Is this really just a bowl-cutted video full of sexual innuendo? By the eyebrows at the 2:41 mark, I don't really think that it could be anything else. OH MY GOD, AT 3:35 IT'S ALL JUST TOO MUCH. Is Key Key possibly talking about try her OTHER bowl cut? And is it...is it...pierced?

Well, I probably just ruined your weekend, your life, and any chance in hell of you going to a sushi restaurant again, so also the sushi industry as a whole. My work here is done.


via reddit


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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Katy Perry's Craft Store Grill

This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.

Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.

via realitytvgifs

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Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

Post by Vin Diesel.

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?


via Vin's Facebook page


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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Will Smith, For Having a Chico's Kind Of Day At A Grammys After-Party

While skimming this article over at BuzzFeed, I came across this photo of Will Smith at a Grammys after-party:

pic via buzzfeed

What. The. Eff. Is. Happening. Here? This looks just like an outfit that your Auntie Paula, who is a middle school receptionist with this haircut, would wear with some kicky clogs to work because, TGIF. Or maybe an ensemble a woman who is going on a first date post-divorce with a nice manager of a local Honda dealership that she met on Plenty of Fish would put together. This is not an outfit that a man wears to A GRAMMY EFFING PARTY.

Stella needs to get her groove back.





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I Can't Even Think Of A Witty Headline, Because Miley Cyrus Has A Bowl Cut

To be honest, I don't even know what to say here, except that Mi Cy must be really trying to out-do her dad in the haircut department. If that's the case, homegirl is killing it. Trust me, I know that your 20s are a huge time of experimentation and finding yourself and all of that effery, but GD-it, this is one step over the line sweet Jesus.

pics via huffington post

Miley looks like she just was just rejected from guest starring on the OG version of 90210 as a new Beverly Hills High rabble rouser that's trying to get Donna to "do" pot. Or Kelly's sister that was given up for adoption, and is now back to try to take over her life and sleep with Dylan.

Miley, listen to Brenda, and get the eff out of here with that hair. You can come back when you want to be serious.






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Just In Time To Be Uncomfortably Terrified One Last Time This Year: A Dude Pretending To Be A Tiger.

The fact that this video is entitled "White Tiger 5" is horrifying. That means we haven't gotten enough from episodes one through friggin' four. I know that this is something sexual to some people, but I'm not really sure to what kink demographic. People that are into the retired tigers from Sigfried & Roy? Faux claw fetishes? Leotard aficionados? Dudes that like sexy animal versions of President Martin van Buren's sideburns?

Whoever finds this porn-y, do you, and sh*t. I'll just be over here mentally bleaching the eff out of my brain area.

Happy New Year.



via reddit


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The YOLO Anthem You Never Asked For Or Wanted

Hey guys, guess what? I found the anthem of current times, and it features a lot of bad wigs, faux vomiting, a shirtless Jersey Shore-esque dude on a trampoline and a sh*tload of Ozzy Osbourne sunglasses.



Let's dissect this as we watch.

0:01 - Prom shoes.
0:12 - Oh, sh*t. This is going to be bad.
0:18 - Humping birds and an inauthentic Facebook "like" thumb. Why?
0:22 - Ohhhhh, this is Eastern Euopean. Where they really enjoy Hasselhoff. I kind of wish he was in this.
0:33 - Huge "YOLO" joints. Is that how you must watch this?
0:47 - *than
0:51 - Dance floor. Two words. Who edited this???
0:53 - "I'm just like Paris Hilton in 2003, but Russian and I have a Jack Russel"
1:22 - A guy on the trampoline has a rotary phone. If that doesn't make you feel YOLO, I don't know what would.
1:30 - What kind of top does one reach from YOLO-ing? Trash mountain?
1:35 - What the eff is going on with that low-rent DIY liquor (?) bottle?

1:42 - Apparently, being freightened by break-dancing, cheap ass mask-wearing dude in an unfinished apartment building makes you brave.
1:54 - Prince('s cousin's adopted son)?
2:45 - Oh, good, it's over.
2:46 - Dammit.
2:50 - Glamorous condom slipping.
2:57 - Romance.
3:00 - "Jewels."
3:17 - Running Man with terrible form.
3:37 - Popping YOLO bottles in the Wet Seal version of the "Bad" Michael Jackson jacket.

Annnnnnd, scene. If that video cost more than a day old ham sandwich to make, homegirl should demand a refund. I'm pretty sure I just watched the live action, musical version of this:



via reddit 


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25 Things I Would Rather Do Than Partake In Black Friday

I just can't with Black Friday, you guys. Maybe it's because I've worked a lot of them. Maybe it's because I have internet access, a couch and zero effs to give. All I know is that THIS is not on my agenda in life.



I can't believe that no one scooped up that Sponge Bob onsie, yet.

So instead for being involved in that anarchy, I'm here, telling you the 25 things I would gladly do rather than be inside a retail establishment today.

1. Abstain from petting and/or looking at pictures of puppies all day.



2. Watch a Two And A Half Men marathon.
3. Not eat bacon.
4. Get a tight, tight spiral perm.

5. Re-paint an apartment that I'm vacating.
6. Diligently shop online for a 1987 Cathy Calendar. Ack, all the way around.

7. Touch a possum's (opossum if you're fancy) tail.
8.  Go on a "date" with Dustin Diamond.

9. Return something to Ikea.
10. Eat a sh*tload of canned English peas.
11. Listen to Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Women" on repeat.

12. Figure out what the eff that jelly sh*t is inside a fruit cake.
13. Read Yahoo Answers...answers.

14. Perfect the dark brown lip liner/frosted white lipstick combo look.
15. Have Glamour Shots taken with Richard Simmons.
16. Hang on a Teeters Hang Ups.
17. Hit up the Golden Corral chocolate fountain with Tonya Harding.

18. Put together an intricate, to-scale model of one of Beyoncé's summer homes.
19. Get into a twitter war with Tara Reid.
20. Make an ass ton of non-alcoholic Jello Jigglers.

21. Hang out at a Chess King with Stefan Urquelle.
22. Decorate oversized Hane's t-shirts with puffy-painted squiggly lines.
23. Churn butter.
24. Watch middle schoolers' YouTube videos.
25. This:

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