Showing posts with label Old Timey Ish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Old Timey Ish. Show all posts

Monday, August 3, 2015

Random-Ass Beauty Obsession: Drew Barrymore In Bad Girls

Sometimes a beauty look just sticks in your brain craw and doesn't dislodge, no matter how much time passes, or how much that beauty look is based upon a revenge-seeking prostitute (actually, bonus points for that!). Especially if it graces your awkwardly pubescent eyeballs just as you've turned the horrible age of 13. For me, that iconic beauty moment comes via Drew Barrymore in Bad Girls.

You've probably never even seen this movie, as it's regarded as pretty much a heaping cinematic garbage bag, but I really can't be trusted to judge it clearly. This movie has all the markings of something that I love. It starred a ton of badass bitches like Andie McDowell (!), Madeline Stowe (!!) and Mary Stuart Masterson (!!! until infinity):


It's set in a romanticized version of ye olde west, which I love:

And it was released in 1994, when I looked like this:

Needless to say, I needed some sexy and solid beauty inspo at the time, and Drew provided all that and a bag of chips -- because it was the '90s, man. If you're in middle school and looking for a beauty hero, this really speaks to you in your most I-just-got-my-first-period of times.

Take that, Language Arts Where the Red Fern Grows diorama project, I'm busy trying to figure out how I can bleach my hair, when I'm not even allowed to ride my bike to the neighborhood 7-11!

And if that's not enough to draw you in, there were also bedazzled chokers!

And suspenders and eyelet undergarments as shirts and platinum curls with tendrils!

And more hats than a girl in 1994 could dream!

And don't even get me started on the touch-of-brown-but-mostly-nude matte lip.

Just looking at these pictures again fills me with a burning desire to be an underage saloon prostitute who's not afraid to shoot a dude. LILLY LARONETTE 4EVA.

Who's your unconventional beauty icon? Don't even cheat and say Rose from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. That's so obvious.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Prince Doesn't Own A Cellphone; Took His First Selfie

Prince is better than all of us will ever be. Even when he was the symbol. And I say this with absolutely zero percent sass, which you know is a rare occurrence for me.

"Why is he better than us?" you may find yourself asking. First of all, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. Have you heard "Let's Go Crazy"? Beyond that, this is this man's very first selfie. And it's damn #flawless. Jump back, Beyoncé.

But that's not even the biggest revelation here. Read this quote re: the inaugural selfie from Prince's rep, via Huffington Post:

Prince used an old-school camera because he doesn't own a cellphone. He jokingly says, "We ban their usage anywhere around Us because We're allergic 2 lithium and 'Everybodyelsies.'"

Okay, I have no effing idea what that last part means, but I did learn one big thing. PRINCE DOESN'T HAVE A MF-ING CELLPHONE.

Does anyone one want to buy a heavily-used iPhone with Cheetos fingerprints all over it? I'm asking for a friend.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Oh, Hell Naw News Of The Day: Ariana Grande Is Remaking "The Boy Is Mine"

A photo posted by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on

This is the face of a person that thinks that they are above the Brandy/Monica laws of nature. I think not, ponytail! Ariana Grande and Jessie J ARE REMAKING "THE BOY IS MINE" AND EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.

Ariana Grande is one of those people that seems to be just a general annoyance to me. I don't know what it is, I really have nothing to base these feelings upon, it's just a thing. Like an orange. It's just something that exists.

But this has crossed the MF-ing line into something that is personal to me. "The Boy Is Mine" is one of my songs. It came out in 1998, which was my junior year of high school. (Save the comments for your mom-ments, I don't want to hear about my elderly nature.) My friend Jodell and I learned all of the lyrics, and would play each part (I think I was Monica) and sing our faces off, long-ass acrylic nails waving in the air while we drove around in her teal Eagle something-or-other. (RIP Eagle something-or-others.) Here's a visual, so you can imagine me during that era:

Try not to jump off the nearest bridge in a fit of jealousy. You can clearly see why I don't want this time in my life tarnished by the likes of an Ariana Grande and her clip-on ponytail. Has Ariana Grande ever worn a Contempo Casuals sheer button-up top while driving around in her Honda Civic that she worked overtime hours for so she could get the gold accessories package? I think not. Homie didn't even live in a time before flat irons. I mean, look at my hair in that picture. Those are hardships.

I DO NOT co-sign this tom foolery. Leave the OGs to their OG-ing, Grande.

via vulture/my friend Kelly with the tip-off

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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Halloween Is My Favorite Holiday: A Retrospective Look

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have already seen this picture of the soaring heights of my Halloween costume creativity, paired with some nonsense child that clearly doesn't hold a candle (zing!) to my costuming endeavors. Actual child, please.

As you can see, it's an understatement to say that I MF-ing love Halloween. I've always preferred a costume to boring human attire, so this holiday is right up my alley. It's an alley that leads straight to Crazy Town, so tread lightly. Don't believe me? Do you know who else loved costumes?

Thank you. Little Edie is my homie 4LYFE, but she crazy. Get on our level.

My favorite Halloween memories are not the ones that include the slutty monkey outfit that consisted of a faux-fur bra/ears/tail that I constructed myself, or even these mermaid stripper boots that took me almost 349852039 years to shoddily hot-glue into life.

They are of my childhood costumes, 99.9% of which were purchased at some shitty pop-up Halloween store adjacent to the mall. During this time, I had a bratty habit of wearing my OG costume for weeks on end before trick-or-treating, and getting completely burned out on that costume. So much so that I would sometimes make my mom buy an entirely different costume. I know, I know. What a dick.

Here's a perfect example: I got a bride costume one year (ick, nast, inappropriate), but don't worry, I only chose it because it had a white, stretchy sateen bodice trimmed with sequined elastic. And a tulle-y, possibly mullet skirt. I'm also remembering white lace fingerless gloves, although my brain might be confusing that detail with this. Or this. I have a shitload of fingerless lace gloves in the old memory bank. (I unfortunately can't find a picture of this damn getup, but I do have this picture, which is equally inappropriate for a child.)

I wore that shit over and over, because, doy, it was like a ballgown to my second grade self. I was fancy as eff. And a child bride, but whatever. When Halloween week finally rolled around, I was so over the bride costume. It had become like my favorite acid wash jean skort -- nothing special.

So I did whatever any rude kid would do; I whined until my mom bought me a bumblebee costume that I wanted strictly because it had antennas made from gold glittery balls on springs attached to a headband. The glitter ended up all over my stupid face by the end of Halloween night. But I deserved the risk of a scratched cornea for being such a crap ass.

I also don't have a picture of the bumblebee costume, because I suck, but here I am serving it as a witch in a wig. Don't ask me what homie next to me is supposed to be, but he's really utilizing that tarp/disposable tablecloth well.

Halloween rules, every other holiday drools.

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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Allure Get The Look: Old School TV Dallas Meets That New New TV Dallas

This week for my Allure Insiders video I took a little bit of the old and glam-y Dallas TV show and mixed in that new new Dallas to come up with a combo look. I always hated Combos (the snack cracker), but this actually turns out okay! No fake, powdery cheese is involved, but hot rollers are.

Check it out and get an instant contact hairspray high. I MEAN, IT'S TEXAS, Y'ALL.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

This month for Allure I covered one of the best things about these turrible Summertimes: movies. I reached way back into my horrible brain and pulled out all of the very best beauty looks from Summer blockbuster movies, with the aptly titled, "The 14 Hottest Beauty Looks From Summer Blockbuster Movies."

I used Grease for the jump off, because no doy. Check out the rest of the list here.

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

This is a Completely Pointless Post. I Just Wanted to Share My Weirdness.

I came to a realization today of who I want to be in life.

I saw one of these old timey weird bicycle things on TV, and after googling, found out they are called a penny farthing. (That's some fancy ass ish. I can't get enough.) So, I want to ride one of these around while wearing a sexy tuxedo and top hat like this:

Babette (I want that name, too) from Boardwalk Empire.

And these Victotian-style buttony boots:

And of course a monocle (I kind of want that most):

This is from a place called "Gentleman's Emporium." Are you dying?
So that will be my outfit of choice as I ride around on my penny farthing and blow bubbles from my bubble pipe made from the world's finest mahogany. And I will also bid people "Good Day" in anger, while occasionally slapping b's across the face with my white gloves with tiny buttons on them. (Why were there so many tiny buttons in the early 1900's?)

What do you guys want to be when you grow up?

P.S. I say "Good day" to you sir! I say "Good day!" (Just practicing for life.)

P.P.S. I also with I could grow a twisty, maniacal moustache.

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