The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt

pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.

Umbros

Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?

Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.

A T-Shirt Ring

Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.


A Blossom Hat

When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.

A 29' Woven Leather Belt

It can never be long enough.

Slouch Socks

Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.




Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings

Why.


A Shitload of Tendrils

The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.


Or a Rat Tail

Actual Satan?


With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand

Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.


The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes

I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.

Along With These in Your Ear Holes

These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.

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Tipsy Tutorials: The World's Worst Smokey Eye

Well, some people asked for a new Tipsy Tutorial video, and boy did you ever get one. Enjoy my steep, steep decline. And if you've ever wondered what kind of drunk I am, apparently the answer is sad. Very, very sad.

Please just watch this glamorous person instead. I need a piece of burger.













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What In The MF-ING HELL Is Going On With Robert Pattinson's Hair

OK people, what's your verdict on Robert Pattinson's new haircut? http://t.co/A5Xat1ifhL pic.twitter.com/EuQxVKjeTI
— E! Online UK (@EOnlineUK) November 14, 2014

What is life anymore, really? After my eyeballs gazed upon these photos of the once at least semi-attractive diamond-encrusted vampire, I'm not really sure.

This might be the actual worst haircut I've ever seen on a dude. It looks like the world's most awful bowl cut with an additional stick-on merkin that you would get from a gumball machine at a porn store.

 My eyeballs need a long soak in the bath. With bath salts. Maybe even BATH SALTS bath salts.


Thanks to my homie Kelly for the tip on this mess.


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Who's Up For a Round of "I Watch to Punch Myself About the Eardrums and Eyeballs?"

Before we start talking about the horrendousness that is this "music" video, be warned. This crap is completely NSFW, and not even because it says eff like forty times (which it does), but more for the ear drum safety of those around you.

When I first got started on this hot ass, screamy mess, I thought I was in for some LMFAO-type of tom foolery blandess. Little did I know B's WERE GETTING THEIR FACES SCREAMED INTO FOR FOUR MINUTES. Why are you bringing innocent pig costumes into this fiasco? What did pseudo pigs ever do to your ass? And two of these "band members" did absolutely nothing (except OD on LA Looks hair gel, and possibly have a driver's license). Not even a scream-peep. Weak. And while we're on the whole hair thing, SOMEBODY'S been hitting up a BOGO hair bleach sale at Sally Beauty Supply. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? I would rather watch Darla all effin' day than these friggin' Tim "The Toolman" Taylor tool bags. (Sorry, Tim Allen. I have no beef with you. Except for maybe those Santa Clause movies.) But seriously, why are you screaming? It doesn't even make sense with the sh*tty song. I hope the home owners' association in your parents' neighborhood kicks them out for letting you film this sh*t in their driveway.

via fyeahitsalwayssunny

Everything.





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What in Eff's Sake ARE THESE THINGS?

via buzzfeed

As the late, great Whitney Houston would say, "Oh hell to the naw!" This is just atrocious. And needless. What are you putting in those pockets, boo? A mini notebook in the back pocket? A piece of gum in that tiny inner pocket? These are truly the devil's jean/boot/flip flop hybrid.

Let's wash our brains with some Kaitlin.



I wanna be GLAMOROUS!


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Only Watch This Ish if You Truly, Truly Hate Yourself

I watched this entire Nickelback video. What does that even say about my life? This is the latest Nickelback video, starring Jason Alexander (Seinfeld, not Britney Spears' 55 hr long husband. That might have been better.) It's hard to know where to rest your eyes while watching this. I couldn't make eye contact with homeboy's turrrible rug, that's for damn sure. And that font? Don't get me started. The highlight is Brooke Burns rubbing coffee beans all over her body and flying through green screen space surrounded by coffee cups. I guess?

That's more than five minutes of my sh*tty life that I'll never get back.


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