The Best Things To Wear With Your Hard Rock Cafe T-Shirt

pic via etsy

At the pinnacle of '90s glamour, there was one clothing staple -- the Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. Whether you selected the classy combo of white, flat gold, and chocolate brown colorations, or something a little more avant garde (like above), you had to have one of these mofos.

Once you had chosen your fine treasure, you would then be confronted with the biggest and most important decision in your life -- no, not what to name your future children or your adult career path -- how to wear your fancy HRC tee. Here is your style guide.

Umbros

Because who doesn't love to hear their thighs swish about, singing the songs of the south(ern parts of your body)?

Knee-Length, Cuffed Bongo Shorts

pic via ebay

 To simultaneously highlight and smoosh your kneecaps.

A T-Shirt Ring

Bonus points for tortoiseshell, because it's classy as eff.


A Blossom Hat

When crushed velvet and gigantic faux foliage collide, the world wins.

A 29' Woven Leather Belt

It can never be long enough.

Slouch Socks

Warning: there are a lot of fetish pictures of slouch socks, so don't google that shit.




Keds with Those Curly Shoestrings

Why.


A Shitload of Tendrils

The thinner the tendril, the closer to Satan.


Or a Rat Tail

Actual Satan?


With a Crystal Pepsi in Your Hand

Because this tasted like cream soda made a baby with cola flavors, and everyone wants to sip on that.


The Sounds of "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" in Your Ear Holes

I still have this CD single. It was the best dollar I ever spent.

Along With These in Your Ear Holes

These are timeless earring MVPs.

This concludes the most useless thing you'll read today. Or in your extended-by-cutting-edge-technology-well-into-your-100s lifetime. Bye.

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Quick Sh*t: Met Gala Roundup

The Met Gala/Met Ball/whatevs was last night, and people got all fancy as eff and walked around being important and ish. Here are some quick highlights. 

As per ush, J Law was the HBIC.

via vulture

And Marion Cotillard and Lena Dunham thought that ish was friggin' funny. SJP's badass head f*ckery blocked her peripheral vision, and homegirl missed the whole thing.

This person was there and claimed to be Zooey Deschanel. Who dat? But f'real, without bangs boo boo has 50's housewife mop commercial face.

Miley Cyrus needs to stop the insanity, and Susan Powter needs to sue this b for copyright infringement.

Her look is getting bitten WAAAAY hard. (Sorry young people, google it.)

There were a lot of other b faces that looked awesome, and a ton of people that looked half sh*tty, but I don't care enough to talk about their asses.

I SAID QUICK.




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Friggin' Biebs, Stop Making Me Talk About Your Ass!

via daily mail

JB's been in ol' London town for a bit now, and at times been seen wearing this dumbass gas mask. Why? Who the hell knows. I am more curious about the well-being of the person that vomited up those shoes. And why does Biebs look like something from the Super Mario Bros here?

Also, is he having some kind of spinal issue? Is his next album (cough) inspired by Quasimodo? And how did he go back in time and steal my circa 2003 Old Navy sweater that I wore when I worked as a bank receptionist? Is he some sort of wizard? If so, I'd like to put in my request to borrow his pointy hat thingy.

Yes. Yes, I am. Now Bieber, stop the silly nonsense. You look a fool. Again.




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What Kind of Effery is Anne Hathaway Wearing on Her Dome Area???

Listen. I know that there is a large(ish) group of mofo's that straight hate Anne Hathaway. I am not one of those people, I think that she's just fine -- in general. But this...

pics via daily mail

I can't go for that sh*t. Homegirl looks half a grandma, half a turrible craft project gone awry. And this hat is CLEARLY her straight jam right now, because she's wearing this mess multiple times. Annie Boo Boo, whaddup? It's not protecting your lovely porcelain skin from ish, and crap's making your hair look super wig-like underneath. Believe it or not, no matter my pro-fake hair stance, that is NOT complementary. And don't you b's even start telling me that this glorified Gam Gam's upside down hanging flower pot rip off is haute couture, or whatever. I don't give a damn. It's gross.

Not doing this sh*t with you, Hatha-path. Take it off. (And let me burn it.) It's for the good of humanity.







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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Kanyeezy's Pseudo-Hero Mask

via buzzfeed

Dammit, West, what kind of nonsensical stupidity is happening here? You look like a milk man/priest/guy from Fat Albert hybrid.

Or like a kid on Halloween whose mom totally forgot that it was Halloween, because she works like three jobs (she's had some tough times), and then the kid is all, "MOOOOM, I don't even have a costume!" and she cuts a hole in the hat she's wearing and says it's a Spiderman costume. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure that you're holding your wenis like a corn cob. Can we just stop all of this sh*t, already? YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SOMETHING'S FATHER.

Enough is a mother effin' nough.

P.S. This is why the world wants to collectively punch you.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Katie Holmes' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dress

Let me start off by actually saying something  nice. Single looks good as eff on K Holmie when it comes to the facial and hair areas. Boo boo is looking tons less robotic and dead eyed than she did when she was with lil' man. So "Yay!" for all of that. Now, let's get b*tchy for a hot minute. I cannot look at this dress she wore to the Sandy Relief Concert last night without having total recall of Donatello from TMNT.

B has stick skills.

The purple, the shell abdomen -- it's all there. All K dog needs are these to separate her digits, and she'd be working for Splinter's hairy ass.

Remember THESE monstrosities?!?

Just wear this next time, K bomb, and save yourself the trouble.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lindsay Lohan's Liz & DICK Premiere Dress

via huffpo

We are mere MINUTES away from the cinematic moment of the year, no, millennium. Liz & Dick premieres on Lifetime tonight, and I cannot wait for this ish storm. Don't worry, I will be watching and documenting all the good good for a post tomorrow. But first, we MUST discuss this. Did I get reverse-Rip-van-Winkled and it's really the year 2000? Because that is truly the only reasonable explanation for this dress right now. Or that this b stole my circa 2004 lamp shade from my trash and removed the fuzzy boa sh*t, repurposing it into a dress. That is highly possible with ol' Sticky Fingers McTakesalot here.

Let's end on something nice, shall we? I'm glad that Linds is back to being a ginge. That is how I enjoy my crazies most of all. Now it's time for DICK! (And Liz.)



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THIS SH*T HAS GONE TOO FAR, JUSTIN BIEBER. Go to your room immediately, young man!

pics via Bieb's instagram

I know that I need to get of of Justin Bieber's jock. (GROSS.) But when ish like this is popping up on my instagram, I CANNOT IGNORE IT. What in mother eff is all of this? That far right picture just makes me feel illegal. Please stop showing me your toddler underoos, Biebs. And working out in overalls isn't overalls is just ridiculous. And stop photographing yourself by the heavy weights. We all know you just power walk and use your mom's strap-on ankle weights. You aren't fooling my ass.

But my biggest issue is the I-undid-one-overall-strap thing that is happening. ARE WE REALLY HERE AGAIN? Because you know who wore this look better?

DONNIE EFFING WAHLBERG, B*TCH. You can't even rock the 'alls as hard as Jordan.

Okay, maybe Jordan. Homeboy has a rat tail halfway to his ass.

P.S. Can we all just drink in this photo for a moment?

My life will never be as wonderful as it is at this moment. NKOTB 4 EVA.




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The Best Part of Waking Up is Richard Simmons in Yo' Cup

all pics via buzzfeed

Nothing screams, "Eff yeah, LIFE!" like a Richard Simmons collage. I love this b so much, that I wish I were him on the daily. How can you look at a picture of a man wearing huge craft balls glued to his person and not scream, "YAAAAAAAAASSSSS!" in your heart? But that outfit reminds me of something...

I'm not even going to ask "Who wore it better?" because, b please. My Simms has CURLING GIFT RIBBON on his glasses. That wins every time. Pshaw, Nicki Minaj. I bid you good day.



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Can I Just Be a B Face for a Minute?

pic via people

I came across this picture of Katherine Heigl over on People's Style Watch (or something). They were saying how Heigs was somehow rocking this look. And I was like:

pic via buzzfeed

Um, no. No, she is not. The dress is FINE (I hate that word.) if you like to be pretty effing boring. But I cannot co-sign on those HOSE (not even tights) and those shoes. I don't even have a problem with brown and black together, I kind of dig it, but there's something very, very elderly about this whole shebang.  And while I'm nitpicking, could the necklace BE (Chandler Bing voice) more of an awkward length for that neckline? And what is that necklace, anyway? It looks like a tribal tramp stamp from the year 2000.

Okay, I'm going to take a nap and take some St. John's Wart to try to get rid of my sh*tty attitude. Maybe I can get this puss off my face. (I love saying that. Best saying, EVER.)



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This Is Really Happening.

pic via la gear

Hot damn, you guys. Do you know what those little puppies up there are? They are the re-launched LA MOTHER EFFING LIGHTS SHOES. These exist, and I'm so friggin' excited. I had LA Lights the first time around, and they were (obviously) my jam. I mean, a shoe that lights up at you walk is totally appropriate for a woman in her 30's, right? I feel like Jem (or maybe the Misfits) just drove her van over a rainbow made from Rainbow Brite dolls to deliver these to me. Go check out the badass color selection (and be fresh to death, if you want, and buy a pair) here. Can we do this, people? Or am I being even more insane than normal?



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#HighFashion

And people wonder why I love court shows.



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Kan-Yeezy's New Kicks

Okay, I was trying, obvs unsuccessfully, to be cool with that headline. Sigh. This is Kanye West's new Nike sneaker (Is that what you say? It sounds like an old person to me.) called the Nike Air Yeezy II. I'm sure that mostly chicks are reading this, so most of us will not be wearing these. Or perhaps you will, I'm not up in your dude-shoe-wearing bizz like that.

Is it me being old, or do these look dangerous? I feel like I would be ripping the ish out of my car interior and such with that spiked mess. The back of these things are very reminiscent of this:

And if you don't recognize Cera from The Land Before Time, I bid you "Good day!" Slap yourself across the face with a pair of white gloves, and go to Blockbuster. (Too soon?)

Are you guys into these shoes? If you were a dude (or yourself) would you wear them?



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I Don't Think I'm Ready (For This Jelly)

I was walking around the mall the other day, because I'm old and that's what old people do, when I came across these gems:

What the eff, guys? Are we REALLY doing this again? Not that these earrings weren't my ride or die Claire's favorites back in the day, but daaaayyyyumn. I also came across a pack of scrunchies. I'm stressed. Will I be waking up some time in the near future wearing this again?

Yes, I am that b.

I don't know if I have that kind of money in my balloon budget.

Or, perhaps this is in my future (again):

Limited, Too was my jam.

I look like a sister wife. But, damn, I wish I had that collar bone back.  P.S. How did we live before flat irons? That is one unfortunate hair situation.

Here's one of my favorite fashion history moments:

A baby pink Members Only/Michael Jackson 'Beat It' hybrid jacket? Yes, please. I would still rock that mess.


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