Showing posts with label Justin Bieber. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Justin Bieber. Show all posts

Monday, April 14, 2014

Okay, Okay, One More Coachella Related Post. IT'S ABOUT BIEBER.

via buzzfeed
I didn't really want to be all,"COACHELLA, COACHELLA, COACHELLA," today. But when Buzzfeed posted this picture of JB, it could not be ignored. When I see something that gives me the WHAT THE MF-ING EFF? feelings as much as this does, I really can't just let it go. (If you make a Frozen reference right now, I will eyeball slap you.)

Seriously, this bitch has got to be kidding me right now. He's wearing a chain that every dude I knew in high school bought from a kiosk in the middle of the mall. With an oversized bucket hat. But the real clincher are those shorts (???). Those pieces of shit look like something that that guy with the 132 lb ball would be forced to wear. (RIP, sir.)

via realitytvgifs
Biebs is seriously sending me to a (slightly) early retirement home facility with his nonsense. Send me lots of Werther's and hand-made doilies, mofos.

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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Tits Out For The Boys Tuesday: Bieber Edition

The word on the street (yes, I just watched Real Housewives of New York) is that Biebs might be the future bod (gross) of Calvin Klein underwear, or maybe he just wants to be. For one of those possible reasons unknown to good damn common sense, he posted these pictures of himself topless as a newborn baby today on his Instagram account.

via jb's instagram
Listen, JB. I know you just got out of Grade 7 (he's Canadian) science lab, or whatever, but this is what a Calvin Klein underwear model looks like.

Now that your eyeballs have soaked all of this up, you can take 5-7 seats, Baby Bieb Bieb. But all is not lost. You have landed the 2,398,403,280 place runner's up gig: TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS TUESDAY!

Now go cover up.

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Saturday, March 1, 2014

Justin Bieber Shows Off His Ta Tas And Grabs His Crotch On Rolling Stone, Because He's A Bad Boy

But is it for life? Diddy wants to know. If so, lawsuit's in the mail.

via rolling stone
Well, well. Looky what we have here. The Biebs on the cover of Rolling Stone, with nips ablaze and a dumb dumb expression pasted on his mug. I haven't read this write-up, but I kind of hope that it's just a blank page that says, "He's going through his terrible twos." End of article.

Other possibilities? He had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep in his 'big boy' bed.

No one's been reading him bedtime stories.

He had too much Language Arts homework to finish and couldn't watch cartoons.

He needs his ba ba.

He's been eating too much candy and his tummy hurts.

Any other theories?

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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Justin Bieber Goes To A Diddy Party, Is The Only Topless One In The Room.

pic via yahoo celebrity
I love this picture so much, I want to marry it. It's like a Highlights Magazine's hidden pictures of pure delight. What exactly are your eyeballs gazing upon, you ask? It's good ol' baby Bieber with his tits out for the boys at some party that Diddy was throwing for himself last night in Atlanta, of course.

There are a few reasons that I can't wait to make this my screensaver, if screensaver pictures still existed. (Holla, '00s!) First of all, the current temperature in Atlanta is a balmy 39 degrees. Notice how everyone else is properly clothed in actual fabrics, with some people even wearing things such as jackets, as people tend to do when temperatures are in the lower range.

But the best of the best thing about this amazing piece of photographic art? Besides the seemingly jovial Rick Ross, and maybe Diddy, EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE HAVING A TERRIBLE TIME. Like, if you told me that all of these people were on their way to the gynecologist for a Groupon pap-smear with a speculum straight from the grocer's freezer, I would totally believe your ass. This looks like an authentically terrible time to be had all around.

What happened right before this picture was taken to induce this grump-fest? This?

Is this what happened to Bieber's shirt 30 seconds before?

These are the only logical explanations.

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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Justin Bieber Visits Strip Club, Strippers Around The Country Collectively Quit.

No, they didn't. But they should, because that sh*t is some inhumane working conditions. The Huffington Post has pieced together a story from TMZ and The Miami New Times involving Biebs visiting a Miami strip club for about an hour and spending somewhere around $75,000. He was there celebrating someone named Lil' Scrappy's birthday. The strip club tweeted this after: "Justin Bieber just ordered 75k ones..." and also included some dumb and annoying emojis. There's also a quote from the club promoter, named Disco Rick, that is boring and adds nothing to this story.

Let's dissect all of this tom foolery, shall we?
  • Don't strippers have enough bullsh*t that they have to deal with, without dealing with Bieber? I'm sure dealing with your everyday, garden-variety strip club patron is annoying enough.
  • How many Lil's are there out there? These kids are like a Warner Brothers cartoon about a rag-tag gang of kittens.
  • Isn't there some kind of code of ethics when it comes to nakey bars? Like, isn't it kind of like a doctor, where they shouldn't be tweeting all of your business all over the internets?
  • DISCO RICK??? ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? It's 2014, sir, please retire.

Speaking of retiring, I've had just about enough of this world. I just can't with you, anymore, Earth.

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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: The Biebs Is Probably Still Acting Like A D*ck

Let's not even delve into that sad sack fuzzy wuzzy upper lip situation that JB is once again forcing us to endure. It's not about that right now.

I'm not even trying to deal with these abominations that call themselves pants, that somehow have both Macho Man Randy Savage and Tupac simultaneously rolling over in their graves. (RIP.) Those pants should be on the body of a 43 year old meth cook that was fired from 7-11 for stealing Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpees, not a young buck pop star. But it's not even about the pants.

Nope, Bieber is on my ain't-nothing-but-a-d-thang radar for this story out of Australia, in which he called a girl a "beached whale," among other bullsh*t insults while being a little sh*t and lounging around a hotel pool. From a witness:

"One girl who was gorgeous looking, with long dark hair and would have been about a size 14. Justin looked over at her and said 'What are you, Hawaiian or something?' She said 'No, I'm not'. Then he said 'You look like a beached whale' ... The girl said 'Are you serious' and he said 'You should go on The Biggest Loser.' ... The whole pool deck heard him call this beautiful young girl a beached whale. Everyone heard. And there was silence. It was almost like his security were used to it."

Ummm, excuse me? Those that live in glass houses shaped like bubble gum machines filled with stick-on mustaches should not cast the first stone. That would be like me calling an actual box of garbage a trash heap. Pot/kettle black deal, and all.

You better get your life right, Biebs. One day, you'll be able to grow an actual big boy patch of facial hair, and your shenanigans will be less than cute. Quit acting like a big bag o' d*cks, JB. No brownie with your Kid Cuisine tonight.

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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Zach Galifianakis is Skinny; Spanks Justin Bieber.

I don't know, you guys. I'm not sure that I can get down with this new waifish Zachy G. It just feels weird to me.

But you know what doesn't feel weird to me? Baby Biebs being spanked (in a completely nonsexual manner) with a belt.

Bieber's blouse is an inch or two and a stiff tug away from Flashdance territory.

Hot. Also, I will not rest until JB stops trying to act in ANYTHING. It's bad. Real bad.

I see you, Bieber.

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Friday, September 20, 2013

My "I'm Just Not That Into You" Celebrity Moments of the Week

Listen, I know that I hate just about everything, but there was a hell of a lot of sh*tty nonsense going on this week.

YOU GUYS. JT and JB showed up to premiere of that terrible looking Timberlake/Affleck movie wearing matching suits. I'm pretty sure that Biel is Single White Female-ing JT and Benadryled him into wearing this mess. I mean look at those hazy ass eyes. Something ain't right. I need to see receipts!

Ready for the ultimate day ruiner? Baby Biebs is now a shirtless/tie-dyed tank dress wearing rapper. I really can't even with this b*tch anymore. I don't want to hear any song that involves penises and Bieber-related things, like, ever.

 The likelihood that I might vomit is currently strong to quite strong.

Speaking of vomitous information you can't use, here is the state of Gwyneth Paltrow's pubic area.


And speaking of Gwynnie, when the f*ck did Brad Pitt turn into Robert Redford?

I mean, Robert Redford is hot and everything, but Jesus take the wheel -- I'm not ready for that jelly. That means all of our asses are old.

And in my favorite news of the week:

via daily mail
C Stodd got turnt the eff up so much that she broke off the control knob. Bruises be damned and everything.

Homegirl got crunk as hell in London the other night, and I strongly suggest that you check out all the pics over at The Daily Mail.

Happy weekend, if you get one of those. Celebrities, carry on with the grossery. I can't wait.

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Thursday, September 12, 2013

Great. I'm the Effing Worst, Part 308430984: Justin Bieber Mustache Edition

You b*tches know there are very few things that I hold closer to my heart than hating on Biebs. (Basically, just koalas, unicorns, bacon, and wine.) SO THAT'S WHY I HATE MYSELF. I really, really, really wanted to make fun of Justin Bieber's non-stache today, as seen here:

via huffpo
We can all hash out that shower curtain liner-embellished, brought to you by the letter "Y" shirt at a later date, because here's another picture of the offensive three hairs:

via jb's instagram
And here:

bieb's i.g. again
I mean what IS that??? I had so, so many Kip jokes to make, you guys.

Like, a lot.

And the worst thing, ever, happened.

yep, still stalking the instagram

I hate everything.

I need to pet baby stray kittens (after vaccinations) and drink (more) wine.

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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Justin Bieber is Annoying, Pees in Bucket.

Is ANYONE surprised that Biebs acts like a little sh*t? No. He's also apparently a member of some after school club called "The Wild Kidz." So cute. And he hates Bill Clinton? SO EDGY.

But sadly, JB is just following a long line of douches that like to pee in stuff when there are totally bathrooms available. When Lord Disick has already done that sh*t, it's totally over.

Don't worry, I'm not even going to talk about Bieb's outfit. I'm just done with it all.

In fact, I would rather just watch this video all day than any of this effery.

Enjoy not sleeping tonight.

Biebs video via TMZ

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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I'm Changing the Name of This Blog to whatisjustinbieberdoingtoday.com

No, I'm not. BUT I totally could. Because sh*t like this keeps happening.

Lemme break it down for you, here. Not only is baby boo driving a mf-ing LEOPARD PRINT car that everyone on Jerseylicious is super jealous of (is that show still on?), but Biebs needs front and back black SUV coverage while driving. I was just thisclose to making a wildly inappropriate joke about that sentence. If Mama Biebs (who I feel is my age peer) doesn't get this mess under control, I will sign up to Supernanny this b*tch. And there won't be any "You is kind, you is smart, you is important," kind of niceties happening.

Seriously though, I have to get this JB constant talk under control. We have much more important ish to take care of here.

Back to the grind.

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Monday, June 10, 2013

Quick Sh*t Hits

Hey guys, I've been a little distant lately. I've been in a deep, deep Game of Thrones hole, but, sadly, that's over for a year. Since I've been gone, here's what happening.

Henry Cavill has a perfect face and can "Look, Ma, no hands," the eff outta bicycle.

I've had a thing for homeboy since The Tudors, and he sure hasn't gotten any uglier.

Also, Biebs is going to space.


If this is the first impressions aliens get of Earthlings, we're all f*cked.

And this happened, too.

via twitter
Listen, Juno, I like your ass, but you can't have my Skar-y.

Lastly, this exists. Goodnight, cruel world.

What's been going on with your asses? And what TV dramzzzz shall I be sucked into next? TALK TO ME.

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Tuesday, June 4, 2013


HAHAHAHA. No, he doesn't. He wants to be a super pain in the ass, duh squared.

Oh, Biebs. When will you stop with this tom foolery? YOU AREN'T EVEN PRETENDING TO ENJOY YOURSELF. If you are going to bring a police officer and a giant bodyguard (where the eff is Kevin Costner?!?) to a basketball game, and be a total c block of people actually being able to watch said game, the least you can do it put on a fake ass smile and pretend your silly ass wants to be there. Kind of like what I have to do when one of your songs come on. It's just polite.

Now, let's talk about whose 1998 tricked out Camaro seats you had to skin to get that shirt. SOMEBODY loves tigers, you guys. That tattoo is about to bite off your areola, boo. I won't even mention that stone-washed hat, because I can't even see it. It's dead to me.

We're done here. I couldn't even fully enjoy looking at this picture of David Beckham, who was also there.

Okay, yes, I could. What a relief. My eyeballs aren't broken.

all pics via daily mail

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Monday, April 15, 2013

Justin Louise (???) Bieber, You Stop That Right Now and Go to Your Room!

I can't can't take much more of this, Biebs.

pics via JB's instagram
I know that changes are happening to your body that you don't really understand, yet, but Imma need you to pull your pants up more in the crotchal region. And you probably don't really need gloves when you're working out on Soloflex. And posting topless ass pictures of yourself under the pretense that you're mocking the media isn't fooling any hoes, honey. Now go into time out, and I'll bring up a Berenstain Bears book about keeping your mother effing shirt on in public. And, yes, you can have one more pack of Gushers and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler.

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