Loading...
Showing posts with label Honey No. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Honey No. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Forgets What Year It Is; Still Trying To Make The Music Thing Happen

WARNING: P uses her baby voice to breathe the f-word (and Lil' Wayne's must-need-the-money's ass says it a couple times, too) in this joint, just in case you're watching this in court or something.



Wait. Am I on a spaceship that is forcing me to relive circa 2003? If so, let my ass off, you alien dicks, because I can't live through that sh*t again. You know what else I can't handle? A mothereffing resurgence of Paris Hilton in pop culture and/or music. PP Face and I are the same age, so her ass should know -- WE ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS BULLSH*T, HOMIE.


This whole thing looks and sounds exactly like something from a Real Housewife. She and Luann de Lesseps must have gone halfsies on an autotuner and she has current custody. P.S. When your autotune is still out-of-tune, hang up your bedazzled monokini, sister.


But you know who I'm really pissed at? Lil' Wayne. Sir, you should f*cking know better than to encourage this mess. Are there tough times in the Wayne abode? Are you being forced into extreme couponing situations? I would rather you pick up some extra shifts at a mall flat iron kiosk than work on a Paris Hilton song, pal. I expected more from you, Lil'.


I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. Now, go to your damn room.




Pin It

Thursday, April 18, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.



Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




Pin It

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Rumer Willis' Everything Game is All Kinds of Wrong.


This is what Rumer Willis (who is Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's daughter, DAD) wore to some Las Vegas day club opening this weekend. But before we get into this effery, can someone tell me what in dumb's sake a DAY CLUB is? Can't it just be a club that's open during the day? Or a pool or whatnot? Quit trying to reinvent the slut wheel, Vegas.

Anyway, I don't even care about the fact that lil' boosie is wearing a bikini top and glitter eff skirt. It's Las Vegas. And a day club. I don't know the appropriate dressing etiquette. But those sandals look like they should be worn by a Pop Pop named Saul that lives in Boca Raton. And her hair isn't bad in THEORY, but for some reason it looks like it was Fashion Plate-d onto her head. It makes my eyeballs feel awkward.


Here's Rumer (Is it wrong to hope that she opens a strip club named after herself?) with a friend, that is bringing up some questions for me. What is that faux camera thing around homeboy's neck? If that silly nonsense is an iPhone case, I will LOSE. MY. SH*T. I'm getting too old for this mess, you guys.



pics via buzzfeed




Pin It

Sunday, March 24, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: LeAnn Rimes and Her Garbage Shorts

via huffpo
According to the Huffington Post, LeAnn was photographed in this literal hot mess at her stepson's baseball game. A couple of issues here -- I mean clearly the sweaty-ass-hootenanny pleather shorts are public vag enemy number one, and totally creepy to wear to a kid's deal. But let's say you are full-on committed to wearing that ish. Would you not at least PUT ON MAKEUP WHEN YOU'RE WEARING VINYL HOT PANTS? If ever a time there arose to wear makeup, this is it, boo boo. And the fact that you are wearing a vintage-y football sweater because you're going to a sporting thing is annoying. How do I live with this owwwwtfit? How do I...How do I...But your boots are cute.

via realitytvgifs
Can you tell I like Brandi Glanville? (I refuse to say Team whatever. It makes me want to vomit.) Homegirl's funny and gives less than an eff. But really, I'm sure it's hard being LeAnn Rimes.



Okay, so I just really, really wanted to use that clip for about three weeks now. Eff it. Viva la moustache.





Pin It

Monday, January 28, 2013

Hair Had a Turrible, Turrible Night Last Night

So the SAG Awards happened last night, and although I never watch awards shows, because that sh*t is super boring, I do like to look at red carpet pictures. And judge them. Duh, have we met? And while I perused the photos over on Buzzfeed, I noticed a very tragic theme. People were werking some horrendous hair, overall.

WTF, Baldwin? I turn to your ass to be the hot old dude. WHAT IS THIS?
Frieda Pinto is a beautiful mofo, and she looks like she's chaperoning a school dance.
Put down the flat iron, Timmy. This is completely gross, and makes you look old.
No, Megan Draper. Zooby Zooby...No.
I LOVE YOU, Jon Hamm, but you look like someone photoshopped your face into this picture. It's weirding me out, man.
And I don't even know what in hair helmet hell I'm looking at here.
 I mean, amiright???

via realitytvgifs
UPDATE IN THIS B:

There seems to be some dissension in the ranks, m'ladies and gents. (I just finished watching Downton. Get off me.) I just received this text from my friend, who CLEARLY disagrees with my JT reading.


This isn't a friggin' totalitarian state, you guys. (Bringing it back to middle school history ish.) Am I way off on any of these? Free yo' mind...and the rest will follow.


all pics via buzzfeed Pin It

Thursday, December 13, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Katie Holmes' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dress


Let me start off by actually saying something  nice. Single looks good as eff on K Holmie when it comes to the facial and hair areas. Boo boo is looking tons less robotic and dead eyed than she did when she was with lil' man. So "Yay!" for all of that. Now, let's get b*tchy for a hot minute. I cannot look at this dress she wore to the Sandy Relief Concert last night without having total recall of Donatello from TMNT.

B has stick skills.
The purple, the shell abdomen -- it's all there. All K dog needs are these to separate her digits, and she'd be working for Splinter's hairy ass.

Remember THESE monstrosities?!?
Just wear this next time, K bomb, and save yourself the trouble.





Pin It

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Joe Manganiello Posing as a Grizzly Bear, or Possibly Vice Versa

via celebitchy
Joe Manganiello is a hot, hot b. But this is how I'm used to taking this lollipop:


I know that it's the True Blood off season, or whatever, but that doesn't mean you should be shirking basic hygienic upkeep. I just want to scrub this b with an entire bottle of Mane 'n Tail and then get after his ass with an entire package of disposable Bic razors. I totally understand if you want to let your chub out (oh, wow) when you aren't filming, but this is just way the eff over the top. The hot force is hot with you, J. Mang, so stop working your friggin' hardest to fight it, b*tch.

So, in keeping with the animal theme...




Pin It

Sunday, November 11, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Jessica Biel-Timberlake's Toddler Hair

via celebuzz
Firstly, is Cindy Lou Who up there taking the Timberlake last name? I feel like you are REALLY missing out if you don't take that name. It sounds like a friggin' rustic Summer's Eve scent. I'm jealous. But I'll tell you what I'm certainly not jealous of -- whatever the eff homegirl has going with her "I'm going to keep my bangs off my face" deal. She seriously looks like every toddler I have ever seen in Target.

I'll use this still watermarked stock file photo because I really felt like a creepy a-hole using some random kid's picture from a mom blog, or something. But seriously. Has JB-T never heard of a couple of bobby pins before? Is she trying to get an endorsement deal with Goody? And according to the description of the photos, this was taken when she was leaving a business meeting. Oh honey, no.


You aren't getting that gig. Unless you were auditioning to play an adult toddler. In that case, you nailed it.



Pin It

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I Do Not Co-Sign on This Ish.

pic via buzzfeed
Nope. No ma'am. No. You're my girl, C Aggs, but something about this is very reminiscent of womanly times. No.





Pin It

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Ice Ice Baby's 90's Semi-Nude Pictorial

pic via buzzfeed
Today is Vanilla Ice's 45th birthday, you guys. (Damn, I'm an old b.) And in celebration, here is a topless picture of homeslice from -- I'm assuming -- roughly 1991. B UNDID HIS OVERALLS FOR US. And I think I spy with my little eye a lil' airbrushing on them there pantalones. Bleh. I just 150% (Maury guest style) can't handle one bit of this. There is literally not one place I can comfortably rest my eyes on this photograph. Luckily, I took a picture of my reaction face to looking at this for the first time.


I apologize for my lack of "FACE" I'm giving in this, but this is real life in this b. Sorry, Icey, this is not cute.





Pin It

Thursday, October 25, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Keanu Reeves' Turrible, Turrible Facial Hair

pic via celebitchy
Keanu Reeves is a hot ho, but homeboy is pushing the damn limits in this b. That facial hair looks like he shaved a nutria and glued its hair on his face, and not even particularly well. That ish is NOT an effin' complement.
I haven't seen a beard this bad since Justin Timberlake's neckbeard of circa '07.


That crap made rage boil inside my veins. Don't look surprised, Timberlake. You know you look like a friggin' asshat. Gross beards are the Devil's playground, and that is my public service announcement for dudes that are fighting the hot. Clean it up, fellas. Not. Cute. And for that, Keanu, you and your old timey hobo beard are the GUUUURL of the day.




Pin It

Thursday, August 16, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Amanda Bynes Edition

pics via Buzz Feed
This person is ALLEGEDLY Amanda Bynes. But I hope somebody's birth certificate was stolen, or something, because this is freaking me the eff out. SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE. Boo boo is looking hella disoriented, skinny as a mofo, and in danger of having extreme follicular damage to that rug if some V05 Hot Oil doesn't jump up on that scalp real quick. Let it holler at you, girl. Let it holler. Not to mention, she's rocking the hell out of a SCRUNCHIE. There's no need for anymore exhibits; case closed. Seriously, tweet me if you need a place to rest your weary head, sweetness. Let's reboot.

And that's why Amanda Bynes gets the GUUUUUURL of the day.



Pin It

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Sheild Your Eyes: The Top 6 Worst Beauty Trends of All Time.

There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.

Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.
C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase.
Me, in my hot b phase.

Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.
I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows.

Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.
My own tweezer happy time.
Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.

Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.
Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter.
 And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.

Now THIS is gorgeous.
 In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.

I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady.
I want to slap the sh*t out of this person.
I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)

Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)
A typical big ass bang. Hot.
I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT.
Yep. Here I am.
OH. MY. GOD.
Like a damn boss, this one.
If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it.
You are welcome, for all of that.

Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?
Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend.
Not good, you guys. Not good.

Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner
I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see: 
Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog.
My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are!
The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.

No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife.
This is seriously what that crap looks like:

Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party.
Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.

I just met you, and this is crazy...
I don't even know what is happening here.
And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.


I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.

I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.






Pin It

storystack

Google