The Best Products To Get Rid Of Gross, Dry Body Skin

Few beauty things are a bigger c-block of a good time than itchy, tight, scaly dry skin. It's terrible, and no one should have to put up with that massive load of bullshit. I have been there, pal, and lived to tell the tales. (Do you remember that commercial from the 90s where homegirl wrote "DRY" on her arm, or something? That's the crap I'm talking about.)

But I have found the solutions to this craptastic beauty problem, and they are vast and varied. So read on, playa, if your skin is feeling extra thirsty.

Best Product for Shiny, Non-Crocodile-y Legs

nivea creme, $7.29 at walgreens

A love for Nivea lotions was passed down to me through my mom, along with my huge-ass forehead. She always had super-shiny, gorgeous legs, slathered to the gills with Nivea. I didn't get her bangin' gams in the genetic lottery (just the 'head), but I did learn that the best way to blaze an eyeball with your legs is with some glossy lotion.

Even more than the Nivea lotion, I friggin' adore Nivea Creme. (Sorry, Mom.) It's so thick and MF-ing indulgent, like putting a marshmallow fluff all over your skin, if that wasn't completely disgusting. And look at the sheen on those legs! I usually reserve this goodness for just lower body areas, pretty much because I like shines on my legs and not anywhere else, but you can use it wherever the hell you want.

Best Overall Getting-Moisturizing-Business-Done Lotion

palmer's cocoa butter, $6.79 at walgreens

Besides the Nivea (and Jergens Natural Glow), this is the only lotion I have ever used consistently.
I will straight boil bunnies if this cocoa butter ever tries to leave me. Okay, I won't, because I effing love bunnies, but I do feel very strongly about this lotion. I've tried a million other lotions, several different cocoa butters, and nothing comes close to this mofo.

If you like smelling like chocolate lite and having skin dripping with moisture (okay, no, gross), you'll love this. And you can buy it at pretty much every store on the planet. It puts the fetch in perfect(h)ion. Whatever. I give up.

Best Anti-Old Lady Hands Hand Cream

ahava mineral hand cream, $23

I've always had the hands of an elderly woman. If that whole "look at a lady's hands to tell her real age" thing is real, I'm royally effed. Also, that crap sounds like some nonsense from the Victorian Age. Anyway, they're just veiny and have the skin texture of a baseball mitt that's caught a bunch of balls hard and been put up wet. It's not cute.

Add to that the fact that I now live in second driest city in America (I googled that, because I research stuff), and you can imagine the state of my paws at this point. I'm at least at an orange on the unfortunate mitts scale. Maybe even orangey-red. Because of this sad sack state of affairs, I've been trying an ass-load of hand creams since I've moved here, and usually I'm all:

I HATE when my hands feel all greased up, like I'm ready to assist in a cow insemination process, or something, and that's the feeling that I get with 99% of hand lotions. So I was digging through a box of beauty products that I've never gotten around to trying, and I found a tube of this Ahava Mineral Hand Cream. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's from my mom. Maybe someone sent it to me to review (sorry, person, if that's the case), but whoever planted this stuff in my life is my hand guardian angel.
 
It smells like gardenias, which makes me feel like Blanche Devereaux, and that is always a positive in my book. Even better than that, it makes my hands feel like a rich heiress' finest silk blouse and NOT GREASY. Even after I've washed my hands a couple of times, the backs of them are still soft and moisturized. I don't know what kind of magical Care Bear Stare is bottled in this stuff, but I love it.

The one drawback is that this mess is pretty pricey, for sure. But Ulta has it on a buy one, get one half off sale right now (even the travel-sized version for ten baby bills), so that softens the blow (heh) just a tad.

Best Super-Dope Body Oil

shea moisture argan oil & raw shea body oil, $9.99

Body oil is the shit, man. It takes 3 seconds to slather on your body, really brings the moisture, and has a sexual Cleopatra-esque feel to it. Shea Moisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Body Oil is my ride-or-die favorite. I was stuck on coconut oil for a hot minute, but I feel like this concoction is even more moisturizing. It soaks right into your skin like woah, and leaves it feeling like straight butter. The smell is not anything to get excited about, but it's also doesn't make you want to get stabby. You can tolerate it for the oily goodness.

Get on the body oil train, yo. You won't regret that decision, unlike the short-lived stirrup pants revival of '08. That was beyond regretful. And, yes, I totally wore them. Again.

 I'm going to lotion away the memories.

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Video Time: Every-Damn-Thing I Use On The Daily

I made a crazy, long ass video on pretty much every friggin' thing that I use beauty-wise (and some random shit) every day. You are probably throwing me an "I give exactly zero effs" side eye through the interwebs right now, so feel free to skip this video if you aren't interested in my mess of a daily life.

If you are into this, I cover everything from skin care products to deodorant, to makeup and the earrings I've been wearing for a solid four years. If you have any questions about anything I mention, holler at your girl in the comments.




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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Vagina Armpits, As Brought To The Forefront By Jennifer Lawrence

I have a long and sordid history with vag 'pits. I lived through the early-to-mid 2000s, when you couldn't walk to the f*cking mailbox without wearing a tube top, so, of course, this is very familiar territory for me. So. Many. Skin. Folds. And thanks to J Law's unfiltered ass at the SAG Awards the other night, it looks as if all of our armpit afflictions might have a new celebrity spokesperson.

via people

I don't know if the general population has been calling excess armpit fat/skin/whatever that sh*t is by this name, or if it's just an underground movement, but I'm glad it's all out in the open. Thanks, Jennifer, once again you've saved us all with your limitless bravery.

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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Ice Ice Baby's 90's Semi-Nude Pictorial

pic via buzzfeed

Today is Vanilla Ice's 45th birthday, you guys. (Damn, I'm an old b.) And in celebration, here is a topless picture of homeslice from -- I'm assuming -- roughly 1991. B UNDID HIS OVERALLS FOR US. And I think I spy with my little eye a lil' airbrushing on them there pantalones. Bleh. I just 150% (Maury guest style) can't handle one bit of this. There is literally not one place I can comfortably rest my eyes on this photograph. Luckily, I took a picture of my reaction face to looking at this for the first time.

I apologize for my lack of "FACE" I'm giving in this, but this is real life in this b. Sorry, Icey, this is not cute.

 

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Lose the Scaly Skin: The Best Heavy Duty Body Moisturizers

I love a good greased-up appendage. (Not like that, sick brain!) I have always preferred a crazy, super-heavy, moisturizing body lotion/oil/greasy fun product. It's my mom's fault. When I was a kid, she was constantly slathering on her Nivea body lotion (not to mention tanning oil), and let me tell you, that b had the softest skin EVA! Over the years, I have developed my own beauty list of my favorites, and now I am here to share them with my homegirls!

First up is Nivea Creme. It is SER-I-OUS. I poo poo you not. I started using this mess in high school, so it's my O.G. (That's Original Gansta for you youngins.) jam. It makes your skin really shiny, which I really love! It's around $8 at your local general store. (Like the old west!)

Ugh, you guys. Cocoa butter isn't just for pregnant chicks' bellies anymore. I LOVE cocoa butter. Especially Palmer's. It's so rich and creamy and ridiculously moisturizing. And is SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE. Need I say more? CHOCOLATE! This badass b is around $5, and you can pretty much snag it anywhere. (I mean probably not Hot Topic or anything, but you get my point.)

P.S. Store it upside down so you can get it out more easily! See, I'm helpful!

Palmer's is the Thelma to my Louise, but I did find another cocoa butter that I'm kind of into. I was at Target, and I wanted some cocoa butter (shocker) and the Boot's Cocoa Butter Body Butter was on sale for $8.50 (It's usually $9.99) so I picked it up. Sadly, when I got it home and opened it, I saw that somebody had stuck their grubby little paws all up in my Kool Aid. There were finger drag marks galore. Gross. And I had already thrown out my receipt. What's a nasty girl to do? USE THAT ISH! And you know what? I don't regret it. My legs are so soft right now, that it's worth the risk of Scabies and Typhoid Fever (Oregon Trail style).

Now hang on a second. I know you're going to think that I'm crazy. I like to use coconut oil as a body lotion. Slightly unconventional? Maybe. But it worked so well as a hair mask that I thought I would try it as a moisturizer. I liked that ish! Yes, it's oily. But it absorbs into the skin after a couple of minute, so hang on hussy! You can buy coconut oil at specialty grocery and health food stores. It has a bajillion (I counted.) uses!

That's it my squishy, oiled-up minxes! Do you guys like to grease yourself up like you're about to jump into kiddie pool with another chick? Or are you more of a tame, lightly moisturized lady? Let's talk.


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