Monday, August 18, 2014

The Best Products To Get Rid Of Gross, Dry Body Skin

Few beauty things are a bigger c-block of a good time than itchy, tight, scaly dry skin. It's terrible, and no one should have to put up with that massive load of bullshit. I have been there, pal, and lived to tell the tales. (Do you remember that commercial from the 90s where homegirl wrote "DRY" on her arm, or something? That's the crap I'm talking about.)

But I have found the solutions to this craptastic beauty problem, and they are vast and varied. So read on, playa, if your skin is feeling extra thirsty.

Best Product for Shiny, Non-Crocodile-y Legs
nivea creme, $7.29 at walgreens
A love for Nivea lotions was passed down to me through my mom, along with my huge-ass forehead. She always had super-shiny, gorgeous legs, slathered to the gills with Nivea. I didn't get her bangin' gams in the genetic lottery (just the 'head), but I did learn that the best way to blaze an eyeball with your legs is with some glossy lotion.

Even more than the Nivea lotion, I friggin' adore Nivea Creme. (Sorry, Mom.) It's so thick and MF-ing indulgent, like putting a marshmallow fluff all over your skin, if that wasn't completely disgusting. And look at the sheen on those legs! I usually reserve this goodness for just lower body areas, pretty much because I like shines on my legs and not anywhere else, but you can use it wherever the hell you want.

Best Overall Getting-Moisturizing-Business-Done Lotion
palmer's cocoa butter, $6.79 at walgreens
Besides the Nivea (and Jergens Natural Glow), this is the only lotion I have ever used consistently.
I will straight boil bunnies if this cocoa butter ever tries to leave me. Okay, I won't, because I effing love bunnies, but I do feel very strongly about this lotion. I've tried a million other lotions, several different cocoa butters, and nothing comes close to this mofo.

If you like smelling like chocolate lite and having skin dripping with moisture (okay, no, gross), you'll love this. And you can buy it at pretty much every store on the planet. It puts the fetch in perfect(h)ion. Whatever. I give up.

Best Anti-Old Lady Hands Hand Cream
ahava mineral hand cream, $23
I've always had the hands of an elderly woman. If that whole "look at a lady's hands to tell her real age" thing is real, I'm royally effed. Also, that crap sounds like some nonsense from the Victorian Age. Anyway, they're just veiny and have the skin texture of a baseball mitt that's caught a bunch of balls hard and been put up wet. It's not cute.

Add to that the fact that I now live in second driest city in America (I googled that, because I research stuff), and you can imagine the state of my paws at this point. I'm at least at an orange on the unfortunate mitts scale. Maybe even orangey-red. Because of this sad sack state of affairs, I've been trying an ass-load of hand creams since I've moved here, and usually I'm all:

I HATE when my hands feel all greased up, like I'm ready to assist in a cow insemination process, or something, and that's the feeling that I get with 99% of hand lotions. So I was digging through a box of beauty products that I've never gotten around to trying, and I found a tube of this Ahava Mineral Hand Cream. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's from my mom. Maybe someone sent it to me to review (sorry, person, if that's the case), but whoever planted this stuff in my life is my hand guardian angel.
It smells like gardenias, which makes me feel like Blanche Devereaux, and that is always a positive in my book. Even better than that, it makes my hands feel like a rich heiress' finest silk blouse and NOT GREASY. Even after I've washed my hands a couple of times, the backs of them are still soft and moisturized. I don't know what kind of magical Care Bear Stare is bottled in this stuff, but I love it.

The one drawback is that this mess is pretty pricey, for sure. But Ulta has it on a buy one, get one half off sale right now (even the travel-sized version for ten baby bills), so that softens the blow (heh) just a tad.

Best Super-Dope Body Oil
shea moisture argan oil & raw shea body oil, $9.99
Body oil is the shit, man. It takes 3 seconds to slather on your body, really brings the moisture, and has a sexual Cleopatra-esque feel to it. Shea Moisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Body Oil is my ride-or-die favorite. I was stuck on coconut oil for a hot minute, but I feel like this concoction is even more moisturizing. It soaks right into your skin like woah, and leaves it feeling like straight butter. The smell is not anything to get excited about, but it's also doesn't make you want to get stabby. You can tolerate it for the oily goodness.

Get on the body oil train, yo. You won't regret that decision, unlike the short-lived stirrup pants revival of '08. That was beyond regretful. And, yes, I totally wore them. Again.

 I'm going to lotion away the memories.

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