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Showing posts with label 99 Problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 99 Problems. Show all posts

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Best Products To Get Rid Of Gross, Dry Body Skin

Few beauty things are a bigger c-block of a good time than itchy, tight, scaly dry skin. It's terrible, and no one should have to put up with that massive load of bullshit. I have been there, pal, and lived to tell the tales. (Do you remember that commercial from the 90s where homegirl wrote "DRY" on her arm, or something? That's the crap I'm talking about.)

But I have found the solutions to this craptastic beauty problem, and they are vast and varied. So read on, playa, if your skin is feeling extra thirsty.

Best Product for Shiny, Non-Crocodile-y Legs
nivea creme, $7.29 at walgreens
A love for Nivea lotions was passed down to me through my mom, along with my huge-ass forehead. She always had super-shiny, gorgeous legs, slathered to the gills with Nivea. I didn't get her bangin' gams in the genetic lottery (just the 'head), but I did learn that the best way to blaze an eyeball with your legs is with some glossy lotion.

Even more than the Nivea lotion, I friggin' adore Nivea Creme. (Sorry, Mom.) It's so thick and MF-ing indulgent, like putting a marshmallow fluff all over your skin, if that wasn't completely disgusting. And look at the sheen on those legs! I usually reserve this goodness for just lower body areas, pretty much because I like shines on my legs and not anywhere else, but you can use it wherever the hell you want.

Best Overall Getting-Moisturizing-Business-Done Lotion
palmer's cocoa butter, $6.79 at walgreens
Besides the Nivea (and Jergens Natural Glow), this is the only lotion I have ever used consistently.
I will straight boil bunnies if this cocoa butter ever tries to leave me. Okay, I won't, because I effing love bunnies, but I do feel very strongly about this lotion. I've tried a million other lotions, several different cocoa butters, and nothing comes close to this mofo.

If you like smelling like chocolate lite and having skin dripping with moisture (okay, no, gross), you'll love this. And you can buy it at pretty much every store on the planet. It puts the fetch in perfect(h)ion. Whatever. I give up.

Best Anti-Old Lady Hands Hand Cream
ahava mineral hand cream, $23
I've always had the hands of an elderly woman. If that whole "look at a lady's hands to tell her real age" thing is real, I'm royally effed. Also, that crap sounds like some nonsense from the Victorian Age. Anyway, they're just veiny and have the skin texture of a baseball mitt that's caught a bunch of balls hard and been put up wet. It's not cute.

Add to that the fact that I now live in second driest city in America (I googled that, because I research stuff), and you can imagine the state of my paws at this point. I'm at least at an orange on the unfortunate mitts scale. Maybe even orangey-red. Because of this sad sack state of affairs, I've been trying an ass-load of hand creams since I've moved here, and usually I'm all:


I HATE when my hands feel all greased up, like I'm ready to assist in a cow insemination process, or something, and that's the feeling that I get with 99% of hand lotions. So I was digging through a box of beauty products that I've never gotten around to trying, and I found a tube of this Ahava Mineral Hand Cream. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it's from my mom. Maybe someone sent it to me to review (sorry, person, if that's the case), but whoever planted this stuff in my life is my hand guardian angel.
 
It smells like gardenias, which makes me feel like Blanche Devereaux, and that is always a positive in my book. Even better than that, it makes my hands feel like a rich heiress' finest silk blouse and NOT GREASY. Even after I've washed my hands a couple of times, the backs of them are still soft and moisturized. I don't know what kind of magical Care Bear Stare is bottled in this stuff, but I love it.

The one drawback is that this mess is pretty pricey, for sure. But Ulta has it on a buy one, get one half off sale right now (even the travel-sized version for ten baby bills), so that softens the blow (heh) just a tad.

Best Super-Dope Body Oil
shea moisture argan oil & raw shea body oil, $9.99
Body oil is the shit, man. It takes 3 seconds to slather on your body, really brings the moisture, and has a sexual Cleopatra-esque feel to it. Shea Moisture Argan Oil & Raw Shea Body Oil is my ride-or-die favorite. I was stuck on coconut oil for a hot minute, but I feel like this concoction is even more moisturizing. It soaks right into your skin like woah, and leaves it feeling like straight butter. The smell is not anything to get excited about, but it's also doesn't make you want to get stabby. You can tolerate it for the oily goodness.

Get on the body oil train, yo. You won't regret that decision, unlike the short-lived stirrup pants revival of '08. That was beyond regretful. And, yes, I totally wore them. Again.


 I'm going to lotion away the memories.





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Monday, August 4, 2014

How To Make Your Foundation Work To Its Fullest On Non-Perfect Skin

Hey, have you heard? I have nightmarish-to-night terrorish skin. I know, I know -- my life is a dream. The upswing of my face having a permanent residence on Shitty Skin Avenue? I have learned many a tip on how to camouflage (as much as possible) a plethora of skin issues including: enlarged pores, acne scars, live-action (even cystic) acne, and discoloration of every type.


When it comes to covering not-so-great skin, you pretty much have to take mad extra steps and go balls to the wall when it comes to coverage. This ain't your best friend's sister's perfect-skinned cousin's "throw on some BB Cream and call it a day" foundation routine. This mess is INVOLVED. So maybe this is more of a "going out" type deal for you. Maybe it's an "everyday" type deal for you (ahem, me). Hey, I don't know your life.

Sit back, grab some snacks and let's delve into this novel that I call my foundation routine.

Choose Your Primer Adventure


I know that a lot of you out there aren't priming your mug pre-foundation, but I promise your ass that it makes a difference in both the smoothness of application and staying power of your face paints. There are a dumpster-load of options when it comes to the type of primer you can choose, but I've found the best kind for each skin-type because MY SKIN HAS BEEN ALL THINGS. This is my real and actual life.

Oily Skin: I have used this primer method on and off for years and years, although it's a smidge unconventional. I'm talking using a powder as primer for oily skin. I know this sounds weird as eff, but when I lived in so-humid-you-want-to-cry-then-die Florida, this worked really well for me because my skin was BEYOND CRAZY OILY. I've also found it to work way better than f'real primers for oily skin, which usual end up giving you splotchy and unfortunate foundation situations.

Here's what you do -- apply a powder (translucent if you want less coverage, powder with actual color if you want more) to your face with a fluffy brush before you apply your liquid foundation. That's it. If you have places on your face that have heavy discoloration/need a ton of covering, use a sponge to add more product to those specific areas. This method can have a tendency for more cake-faced instances if you get like Goldie Hawn and go overboard, so just don't get too, too crazy with it.

Normal Skin: Normal skin can really get away with just about anything, but I have really been enamored as eff with the easiness and lightness of Skindinavia's Primer Spray ($35). I've already reviewed this, so I'll keep this shit short. It still does a great jobby job of priming, but feels zero percent gross on your mug. But instead of spritzing it directly on my face, I've taken to doing two sprays into my palm and applying it to my face with my hands. That way I'm in control, like Janet Jackson in this b.

Dry Skin: If you have dry skin, primer is a great way to give your face extra smoothness and to seal in moisture. I wanted to tell you about how much I love the Victoria's Secret Primer above, but they discontinued it, so bump that, I guess. Whatever, use a damn primer. You'll love your foundation way more, I promise.

Bonus Tip: If large pores are an issue for you, use a pore-minimizing balm like Benefit POREfessional ($31) to minimize those mofos after applying your primer of choice. (Unless you're doing the powder primer method. In that case, do it before.)

Cover All The Bases


So this shit ain't rocket science -- if you want more coverage on your problematic skin, choose a fuller coverage foundation. My foundation trial portfolio is strong-to-quite strong, so I can help you narrow down the craziness.

Oily skin should choose a liquid foundation with a matte finish. My favorites are Rimmel Stay Matte Liquid Mousse ($5.49-ish) for drugstore brands, and Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation ($34) for higher-end stuffs. They both stay on forever ever (especially the KVD) and will help tell your oil glands to calm their tits for once.

Drier-skinned peeps can lean more toward the likes of Laura Mercier Silk Creme Foundation ($45), which I LOVE, and DERMABLEND Smooth Indulgence Foundation ($32). You really can't miss with any of these foundations. They all fall into the dope to bomb categories.

The Application Game


Picking a bangin' foundation isn't the only key to the flawless-ish faced kingdom. How you apply said foundation is also très important.

I love the damn Beauty Blender ($19.95). I've probably talked about this baby before, but I just can't be held responsible for my repetitions. It's great for blending (doy) foundation, and leaves your skin with a great finish. But for times when I want more foundation with my foundation, I prefer using my IT Cosmetics Flat Top Buffing Foundation Brush ($48). This thing is expensive, but it's a bad b. It allows for fuller, yet super-even coverage.

Conceal Your Deal


After foundation times have come upon your face it's time to conceal. You might have to work on that under-eye area, or maybe you still have some blemishes and whatnot to cover. My favorites for these jobs are Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer Palette ($10.49) for drugstore, and Amazing Cosmetics Concealer ($42) for that spendy spendy. I like to apply either with a fingertip, because the body heat from skin really blends the concealer. (That was an overtly sexual-sounding sentence. Avert your eyes, minors.)

Stop...Powder Time!


The time has come to powder your nose (and everything else). Once again, you have a few different paths you can choose, depending on the level of coverage you require. If you don't need any more, just brush on a translucent powder. NARS Light Reflecting Loose Setting Powder ($35) is my favorite, but do your thang with whatever. 

If you want a touch more coverage, go for a lighter mineral powder like Everyday Minerals Semi-Matte Base ($14). It's not completely matte, so you won't have a crazy plastic android face.

I, on the other hand, want coverage that rivals the Phantom of the Opera's mask, so I'm obsessed with Kat Von D Lock-It Powder Foundation ($34) for topping off my foundation. Just make sure to apply it with a fluffy brush and not a sponge, or your mug will definitely be filed under "too friggin' much, dude."


Bonus Tip: If you suffer from uneven skin texture (that's me to the extreme, baby), avoid overly sparkly face stuffs. It draws more attention to imperfections. Trust.

Spray To Stay


Pshew, we're almost done. If you're still here, you're a ride-or-die homie. The very final step is to keep your shit in check with a setting spray. This helps your makeup last all day (especially in gross heat/humidity), and will also eliminate any George Washington's wig-like powdery look to your face.

My oily-skinned sisters, when it comes to picking a setting spray you're best off picking either Urban Decay's De-Slick ($30) or Model in a Bottle OG formula ($18), which is my favoritest favorite. If you're more on the dry side, Model in a Bottle also makes a Sensitive Skin Formula ($21) that won't leave you completely parched.

Okay, okay, I'm done with my foundation yammering. I can't take any more of this.


I need to take several seats followed by twenty-nine naps. At least all of your faces will look like MF-ing perfection. I can rest easy in that.



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Monday, May 12, 2014

Gross Beauty Probs, Quit Killing My Vibe.

It's always something with me, man. I can't just let shit be. I'm constantly stressing myself out over SOMETHING beauty-related. My current freak out is getting rid of all things gross on my body. More specifically, dead face skin and hard water hair distgusting-ness.


After massive amounts of research (okay, googling), I found two products that pretty much slayed these annoying issues. So now I can be on to the next one. Great.

Hard Water Hair: Malibu Hard Water Treatment


I really got the idea of how shitty my water is stuck in my brain wrinkles after I started using Keracolor Purify Plus. I began obsessing over the hard water stains on my shower door that I just couldn't get off and thinking, "IF THE WATER IS DOING THIS TO GLASS, WHAT THE EFF IS IT DOING TO MY HAIR???" So I started researching about how to rid hair of hard water deposits, which can eff your hair game up MAJOR.

That's when I came across the Malibu C Hard Water Weekly Demineralizer. It comes in a box of individualized packets that you use once a week. You shampoo, use the treatment, shampoo, then condition. The first time I used the Malibu C, I noticed that it said it contained "crystals" on the package, so naturally I was picturing this:


Don't get excited. It's just a powder that you mix with water to create a paste and leave on your hair for five minutes. Because it's kind of a drying type deal, I followed it up with my OG deep conditioner, L'Oreal Nature's Therapy Mega Moisture Nurturing Creme. I've used the treatment twice so far, and it's removed any brassiness from my hair and made my highlights brighter. Score one for the hard water-afflicted bitches.

Gross Dead Skin: Pure Aqua Gel Exfoliator



I read about this Japanese exfoliation product a while back, and I knew that I must try it. Because if you don't love something that exfoliates your face skin like a GD champ, then I don't know what to say to you anymore, quite frankly. Cure Aqua Gel is reportedly Japan's top selling skin care product, or so Amazon tells me, so I really felt like I had no choice but to shell out the 35 bones and try this shit.

The issue that I ran into after getting the bottle is that all of the instructions are in Japanese. So I did a little digging and found out how to use this stuff, and then made a little video showing you what the deal is with Cure.



After using Cure a couple times, I'm pretty ride-or-die on this stuff. It's not cheap, but if you're into exfoliating, it will be your jam. You can cop it from Amazon here.

I'm off to figure out my next beauty dilemma (ft. Kelly Rowland) to harp on like a nagging hen. I love life.





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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Snitching On My New Favorite Hair Stuffs

Last week I broke it down about my terrible skin probs, and this week I'm kicking it to another problem area -- my thirsty hair. I have really, really fine hair, so the longer it gets the more of a basic, annoying b it becomes. My natural hair (I'm almost always wearing clip-in weave) it at that bra strap-level point now, so it's starting to rebel like a 13 year old girl and get all tangle-y and unmanageable.

Luckily, I have found a couple of products that have made my hair life immensely easier, and kept me from having constant tumble weed head.

Keracolor Purify Plus & my shitty water
My first new buddy is really kind of badass. The peeps at Keracolor sent me their new product called Purify Plus, which takes all of the shitty stuff in your water, like chlorine and trace minerals, and kicks it to the curb, like it's 1997. Okay, so it really neutralizes the impurities, or something more scientific, but you know what I mean. And with the spray came a little kit for me to test my water for all of that badness, which made me be all:


So I put some of my crap water (not literally, don't be sick) in the tube, then put some of the science drops (I have no idea what they were) in the water tube thing. If there's chlorine in the water, the drops turn it ol' yeller.


Uh oh, it's looking a little pee lite. That ain't good, man. Chlorine is kind of a c-block to banging hair, causing funky color changes and brittleness, and homie don't play that. The next part of this mini experiment was to add the Purify Plus to the water.


Annnnd buh-bye yellow times! Mr. Wizard would be really proud of me. Or maybe yell at me a little.

Here's the low down: I've been using the spray for a few weeks now, and I'm completely into it. I don't really know what my hair/hair color would look like without it at this point, because I use it every day. I'M PROTECTING MYSELF BEFORE I WRECK MYSELF. It's also really lightweight, but as moisturizing as a light leave-in conditioner. So you can totally use it in conjunction with your other hair prods as you wish, Buttercup.

Keracolor Purity Plus is a salon-only kind of deal and will run you $20, so contact them here to see where you can cop your own bottle, AND PROTECT YO' SELF.


My next new hair baby daddy's daddy is something that I had heard rumblings about on the beauty streets, but didn't understand what the fuss was all about. I'm the type that, typically, gives zero effs about a hair brush. I could use a Barbie brush or a dinglehopper, for all I care.

But like I said earlier, the longer my hair is, the more of a pain in the ass it becomes, and when it gets to its current length, it gets really hard to brush through. Even with a wide tooth comb. Or wide-set fingers. So I decided to give into the rumors, and buy a Wet Brush.

The Wet Brush (Sally's, $7.99)
I was expecting this puppy to be way over-hyped, but I was a wrong, wrong bitch. This brush is a friggin' miracle worker. It glides through my tangled, wet hair with the greatest of ease. It brushes through the knots that I get at the base of my head in less than zero seconds. A tiny sorcerer might live inside this thing. I don't really know, and I can't really be bothered, but I'm obsessed.

What new hair products are you guys into? What are all the kids doing these days, besides that chapstick on the eyelids business?





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Thursday, April 24, 2014

SMMFS (Save My Mutha F@*&%#$ Skin)

I have not been shy with you about my long, storied past (and present) skin issues. I've had bad skin for 20 dumb years now, and there seem to be no signs of stopping this beastly trainwreck. It's not cute. No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom album could have been named after the topography of my skin. (Or a play on words with Magic Kingdom, but whatever.)

Most of my issues have always surrounded acne, and it's bitch cousin, acne scarring. I've become well-versed in that crap. But since I moved to Phoenix six months ago, I have encountered new and uncharted territory. MY SKIN HAS ALSO BECOME MATURE-LOOKING AND DEHYDRATED in this lack of humidity/sun-heavy ecosystem blah blah. What. The. Eff. Am I going to have to move into a Bio-dome? Luckily, I don't venture out much.

via yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend

So now my skin life revolves around not only acne (which was off the mf-ing chain for my first five months here), but also dry weirdness and boring wrinkles. I've had just about enough of this bullshit, skin gods. Yeezus, save me. 


Kanye must have rubbed the legs of his leather sweatpants together in a certain way for me, because I have found a routine that has made my skin much, much better than it's been since I moved. If you find yourself with any of the laundry list of skin issues that I've listed above, travel along this skin brick road with me to see what's up. (Okay, that was too much and not normal. I've been watching too much Hannibal.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydration 
Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream: Intense Hydation (Kiehl's, $26.50)

When I started noticing the extreme dehydration of my face happening, I reached out to my Kiehl's peeps and begged them for help. They sent me the Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream Intense Hydration to try, and it has helped so, so much. I really wanted to try this cream because it was "torture-tested" by Kiehl's, in a study in the hottest and driest city in the country...Phoenix. WHERE I LIVE. And what did the test (and my face) find? That 97% of subjects showed a reduction in visible skin dryness by 30% in just 7 days. 

Here's the bottom line on this stuff: it's the perfect night-time cream for me. It doles out a ton of lasting moisture, without being heavy. It's too much for my skin for a daytime deal, because I'm still ALSO OILY. Yes, karma is a bitch. Or something. But if you're a drier skin-type this will be great for you, regardless of what time it says it is on your cuckoo clock.


tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum
tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum (Sephora, $47)

Speaking of daytime face stuffs, this is heaven in a shimmery bottle. I've been completely hooked on it, ever since tarte sent it to me with all of those amazing lip glosses a few weeks ago. It's not really the texture of the regular Maracuja Oil, which is also great, but it really dries to more of a matte finish that I can totally wear under makeup/sunscreen items during the day.

But besides having all of that good good junk for your mug in it, there's also a dab o' sunless tanner in the Maracuja Bronzing Serum. Just a little touch of tan. Nothing insane. You can sign my ass up forever and ever.

Clearogen 
Clearogen Acne Treatment Set (Sephora, $39.50)

I won't go on and on about Clearogen again, but I credit this stuff for finally keeping my ridiculously over-the-top breakouts in check. My skin is made of complete bullshit, and this really is the only thing that keeps me from looking like a total monster. 


I love this stuff so much that I cannot go one day without it. If fact, BRB (in AOL IM lingo), I have to go buy some more of the Acne Lotion. I WILL NOT let my face get crazy again.

 Pixi Glow Tonic
pixi Glow Tonic (pixi, $29)

I love a great toner, and this is a total bad b of a toner. It's probably made from finely pressed True Blood fairy wings, but I don't even care. (Okay, okay. It really has stuff like Glycolic Acid, Ginseng and Aloe Vera.) It exfoliates my skin and leaves it soft and buttery. 

Pixi Glow Tonic is like a refreshing alcoholic drink on a hot, disgusting day. But, you know, on your face. With an tiny umbrella. But no maraschino cherries. Those are sick.

Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap
Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap (Cleopatra's Choice, $11)

I bought this soap on a whim one day when I fell down a scary rabbit hole of internet beauty product shopping. One of those deals that you don't even know how you ended up somewhere, and you're just buying random shit that seems like it might work.


Well, weirdly enough, this Adovia Dead Sea Mud Soap happens to do it for me. It's one of those cleansing bars that really feels like it's getting all up in there and kicking gross stuff's ass and taking names. This would be a terrible life choice for people with dry skin, though. Proceed with caution.

Do you have a favorite skin care product? What do you swear by? TELL ME EVERYTHING.



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Thursday, April 3, 2014

An Open Letter To Jennifer Love Hewitt: I'm So Sorry, But We Can't Have Blonde Hair.


Hey, J. Love, (Are we still doing that? No?)

I came across the segment of you on Ellen yesterday. I noticed something from jump street that made me feel a little uneasy, but I ignored it. I tried, instead, to focus on how much you've calmed your (literal) tits and how at-ease you now seem in comparison to your former, way over-sharing ways. I like this new you. You seem quite genuine and lovely, so I pushed my bitchy ass thoughts aside.

Then my friend (Hey, V) tagged me in a post about you, with a picture similar to the one above, on Facebook, and I voiced my displeasure about your current hair color haps. Then I tried to move on with my life. I really did. I went to get a coffee. I gave my dog her dog pills. I tried to think of other things to ponder, like how many times we will get to see Eric Northman's ass on this season of True Blood. Or why I can't stop watching Silence of the Lambs, like, nonstop.

BUT I COULDN'T GET THIS SHIT OUT OF MY MF-ING HEAD. Listen, I'm the last person that should judge a person's hair decisions. I make terrible life decisions, especially when it comes to my hair color. I'm that person that dyes their hair with blue-black boxed dye for several years, decides they want to be blonde, gets their hair done every two weeks until it's platinum blonde, then promptly dyes over it with black boxed dye again. I'm the actual worst hair-related-decision-making human.

That's why I feel like I can tell you this. I'm right here with you, sister. We can't be blonde. At least not this blonde. And, unlike you, I was born a blonde. (I watched every damn episode of Kids Incorporated, honey. From Fergie to you. Don't try me.) So it really hurts my nearly-unfeeling heart.

I blocked my friend's face so he won't have to be embarrassed by my hair choices.

LOOK AT US, JLH. WE LOOK LIKE A GD MATCHING SET OF MANILLA ENVELOPES, MAN. I'm not saying this to be a huge c-face (this time). I just wish someone had told me sooner.

I just got my hair done the other day, and when I told my stylist that I wanted to add a little more blonde, he said, "Okay, but you can't have too much near your face. Your skin tone has yellow undertones and your eyes are dark. It won't look right." That's the first time that a professional has told me that. Ever. In all of my precarious hair coloring history. Which is nearing 20 years. And he was right as a mofo.

I'm so sorry that I have to be the one to tell you. I know that it's shitty, but we can't all be blonde. It's like me, you and Jodi Arias. Them's the breaks, kid. Someone had to tell you.

At least you have a great rack, seem extremely sweet, and look absolutely beautiful with your various other hair colors. It gets better.

You have my deepest regrets,

Shan



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Monday, March 31, 2014

Take Your Lashes From Sad Sack To BADASS


Eyelashes, man. They can be a total make-or-beak deal in your beauty game. If I ever happen to catch a picture of myself sans mascara, I almost scare myself to death, like something straight out of Scary Eye-less Stories to Tell in the Dark, or some shit. It's not good.

But because I suffer from this disappearing eye condition, I have fine-tuned the steps to get the absolute MOST out of my lashes. Follow along with me on this journey from "OHHOLYSHITITHINKTHATLADYMURDEREDSOMEONE" to "There's a human!"

STEP ONE: Put some eyeliner in those skin spaces in your lash line.


Look at my before picture and honestly tell me you aren't scared that I might push your ass into a well and force you to rub lotion on your skin suit. You can't tell me that. Don't worry, we'll get almost all of my Buffalo Bill out.

I learned this eyeliner tip directly from Trish McEvoy, who is the natural-looking makeup queen. It makes your lashes look instantly thicker, no bones about it. You can also do this with a pencil liner, and just dab it in-between your lashes. Try this. It will CHANGE YOUR EYELASH LIFE. I'm only being slightly dramatic about that.

STEP TWO: Put some loose powder on your lashes.


This might sound a little weird, but brushing on a little powder to your lashes acts like a primer and forces mascara to get all up on your fringe. Even on those baby bitches. No eyelash will be safe.

STEP THREE: Curl the hell out of your lashes.


If you aren't on the eyelash curler party bus yet, I seriously need a 600 word essay on why the eff not. It opens up your eyes like nothing else can, and makes you look at least 200% more awake.

There are a few different schools of thought on HOW you should actually curl your lashes. I'm a put-the-curler-at-the-base-of-lashes-and-squeeze-for-10-seconds kind of person, but others like to squeeze at the base then repeat mid-shaft. (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT MAKE PRIVATE PARTS JOKES RIGHT NOW? TELL ME HOW TO LIVE.) Whatever your method is, curl those puppies like they're poodles.

P.S. Always curl your lashes pre-mascara, or you will rip those damn things out of your face. Not cute.

STEP FOUR: Grab two different mascara formulas and layer them.


Grab your first mascara selection and apply one coat, starting at the base of your lashes and vigorously wiggling it through your eyelashes. Now wait 60 seconds. Use your second mascara to apply another layer, pulling your lashes in both directions as you go. If you got all clumped up, brush through with one of those weird tiny eyelash combs or a clean mascara wand.

Listen, I'm not Mr. Wizard. I don't know why using two different mascaras works better than two coats of the same formula, but it just does. Try it, and let me know if you think I'm a crazy cat lady in the brain.


That's the end? Yep, we're done, you sexy ass minxes! Now let's all go awkwardly wink our long n' luscious lashes at mofos until we get arrested for being weird creeps.




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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Drugstore Beauty: A Sassy Ass Spring Refresher For Just $20

It's officially Spring, you guys. So that means it's time to get our beauty shit so fresh and so clean, clean. But mostly just fresh.


With seasonal changes, I usually like to get some of that new new to spruce up my makeup flair, but due to broke ass-inducing circumstances like having to pay boring taxes and one of my dogs having to have double knee surgery, that cash flow game is pretty damn tight. So I decided to try to keep it affordable and spend $20 at the drugstore, just to find a few key things to help Stella get her groove back on the cheap.


This is seriously the state of one of my local drugstore beauty aisles. Was there a zombie apocalypse involving shitloads of liquid eyeliner and I was completely unaware? And if you wanted to buy a mascara here, you had to go get a clerk to unlock a anti-theft deal to get to it. Is mascara now pots o' gold? Am I unwittingly living on Riker's Island? Too much, drugstore. Too much. Regardless of what kind of effery was going on, as you can see I effectively spent my twenty dollars. Plus a couple of extra dollars. Whatever. I'm no Suze Orman. Here's what I ending up getting:

sally hansen pacific blue

The one thing that I knew I wanted to get this Spring was an orange-y hued lipstick. Every beauty publication in the universe (seriously, google it) is saying that this is THE COLOR YOU MUST HAVE ON YOUR LIPS OR YOU'LL DIE OR SOMETHING, so who am I to buck the system? I also knew I wanted to get something matte, because that's my deal, so I was delighted to find the bright orange (with a touch of red) NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick. It's a damn dream.

Because I wanted to keep the focus on that bangin' ass lip color, I wanted to keep the rest of my face as neutral as Switzerland (or Sweden if you're Jessica Alba). I've been dying to try the Maybelline Color Tattoo Dare to Go Nude Collection, so I settled on Sleek & Spice, which is a taupe with a dab of metallics. This isn't my first go-round with Color Tattoo shadows. I really love them because they're a gel-like texture, but DO NOT CREASE like a pair of linen pants at a Southern wedding. They're great. And you can layer them with powder shadows. Get on this train.

I next found the adorable cobalt blue turban/headband thing, and my day was made. I have roughly two billion of these because they cover a multitude of unfortunate circumstances, like my huge forehead and dirty hair. I hoard these things. I'm kind of like Brett Michaels and his bandanas about it.

Once I got that little guy, I was kind of on the blue kick, even though I am not a matcher in any part of my life. Either way, I fell in love with, not a stripper, but this Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Pacific Blue polish. It's GD lovely. Bonus: I only used one coat and it was completely opaque. Yay for lazy enabling!

Here's the finished product of my Spring-y reboot.

sally hansen pacific blue

I'm super happy with how I spent my twenty spot. I would have probably just spent it on brokedown mall gumball machines anyway. What are you guys craving for Springtime beauty stuffs? Tell me what else I can buy.




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Monday, March 10, 2014

A Chronological Timeline Of The Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Birth To Current Times

Today is my birthday. Don't worry, you don't have to acknowledge that shit, I'm just telling you for the context of this article, or whatever you call this crap that I throw together. I've never been big on birthdays because I don't like the attention and, also, we all have one. It's nothing special. I don't really get the fuss, and I am a general curmudgeon. But I did learn that today is also Jon Hamm's (ween's) birthday, so I'll take it. It's Robin Thicke's birthday, too, but let's ignore that gross knowledge.

The point of all of this word effery is that I'm now 33 GD years old, and I'm not getting any younger. The upswing to this is that I have, from the time I was a little kid until this very moment, acquired some decent lessons on beauty and such. I lined up these bits o' brain juices (well, that's gross) for you in a chronological order so you don't follow in my gross habit footsteps. L'chaim!

Baby Years: Birth Times


Here I am, straight out the womb. Don't be crazy, I have zero tips on beauty at this point. I don't even know how to open my damn eyes, much less how to apply eyeliner to make your eyes look larger. I still have ink on my feet, for Chrissakes. But I did have dapper as eff taste in headwear.

Non-Angsty Childhood Years: I'm Just a Girl


Childhood: so full of wondrous moments of innocence and tiny pairs of acid-washed jeans. At this point in life, I didn't think about looks very much. Even when I begged to be in a kiddie beauty pageant, and my mom said eff to the no, I didn't think about what my face looked like, or how weird my jaunty teeth were, I just wanted a fancy ass dress. But looking back, here are the things I know with certainty:
  1. Sometimes the dentist will tell you that you'll need braces when you're, like, five, and sometimes those bitches will just straighten themselves out pretty well.
  2. Spiral perms.
  3. This is the pinnacle of your hair's color. Hopefully, an adult will capture these moments, so your mane can vicariously live through it again when you're an adult, and you can keep trying to recapture those natural highlights via chemical endeavors and experiments and fail completely.
Pre-Teen, Bleeding Into Teen Years: Everything's Terrible


I think we can all agree that puberty can seriously suck it. There are exactly zero things that are physically, emotionally, and whatever-else-lly more awkward than the pre-teen years of life. I was forced to learn a lot from this time in my life, due to sheer survival more than anything else. Seriously, if there's a hell, #1) I'm probably going, and #2) it's just living your pubescent years over and over again. I think you get the point. Here are my learnings from this tragic ass era:
  1. The first time you get highlights at the mall with money from your high school job, stop using your bullshit 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. Your hair isn't falling out because you have cancer (I DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY), it's because you actually have to take care of your head hairs now.
  2. If your skin is really awful and acne-prone, go to a dermatologist and get some help before it gets completely out of control and you are semi-disfigured. I know you're embarrassed, and everything is beyond embarrassing right now, but it can dictate your skin life forever, ever.
  3. Maybe don't have bangs. Bangs are kind of a rude bitch to deal with even for adults, and your hair styling skill level is not ready for that jelly.
 Late Teens to Early 20's: Is This Real Life? 


The late teens/early 20's years are almost like a second puberty. Life is friggin' hard, and this is the time you're trying to figure out what the hell you're doing. Let me tell you a secret that might save you some strife, early twenty-somethings: I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, SO STOP FREAKING OUT. I'm sure I'll feel the same way at 40. We should all calm our figurative tits. This is what I learned about beauty from these turbulent times:
  1. Do whatever the hell you want with your hair/makeup/whatever non-permanent crap at this point in your life. This is the time to try weird shit. The only exception is telling your 50-something temp hair lady to "do whatever she wants" to your hair. She'll give you a sassy, flippy haircut that matches her own, and your Senior pictures will be straight-up (now tell me) awful. And you'll be forced to stare them down on your parents' mantle for the next 40 years.
  2. DO NOT TAN. You're going to want to, but don't. Your skin will thank you by not looking like a Slim Jim that's been pickling in a jar of vinegar later.
  3. Go easy on the eyebrows. Sometimes those mofos will up and quit your face, refusing to grow back. Tweeze with caution.
Late, Late 20's to Current Days: Zero Effs to Give


Getting older is some kind of witchy weirdness, man. On one hand, it's a medium-sized bag of poop, because we're all crazy youth-obsessed and want to look like sexy teenaged elves until we're 60, and that shit ain't real. But, weirdly, something cool happens when you start jumping up that age chart. You start to not care about stuff so much. Remember when Oprah (or some person) was all, "Don't sweat the small stuff'?" That actually becomes the truth.com after 30. Here's the deal, for real:
  1. Let your "Who gives 1.5 craps? Not me!" flag fly on occasion. The 25 year old me would never even check the mail without glitz pageant makeup. The almost mid-30's me goes to dinner, movies, food truck rallies, bacon buying excursions -- you get the point -- in a bun and zero makeup sometimes. It's just your face and semi-dirty hair. It's all cool.
  2. Actually take care of yourself, even though that mess is boring. The older we get, the more what you actually put into your body and working out and stuff matters. Even when it comes to skin and hair, it makes a huge difference. I know, so boring.
  3. Take your skin care routine all the way down to chesticle town. We have to fight the good fight against the wrinkly chest-in-between-the-boobs deal as much as we can, you guys. Together we can win(ish) the fight.

That's it. I'm all out of years (thank Jesus), and I've poured out all of my brain's non-wisdoms for your eyeballs. The bottom line is, wherever you are in your lifespan, enjoy that shit. You'll never get it back, so live it up. Sorry for the cheese, now pass the nachos. And the margaritas.





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