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Showing posts with label GUUUUUURL of the Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GUUUUUURL of the Day. Show all posts

Sunday, February 16, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Katy Perry's Craft Store Grill



This is the "Dark Horse" teaser video. This is also Katy Perry wearing effing gigantic rhinestones on her teeth. Like, GIGANTIC. Like, so big that homie can't close her mouth and the Titanic crashed into it.


Cleopatra is all, "What the f*ck is this ridiculous b doing?" from her sarcophagus made from completely non-rhinestone jewels right now. What a historical abomination.

via realitytvgifs




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Monday, February 10, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Paris Hilton's Fetus-Sized Crop Top

via pp face's instagram
Haven't you guys missed P Hilly so much? Of course not, but didn't you almost forget about her ass? Still no? Sorry. I usually treat Paris like I treat my need to go to the gym (pretend it's not there), but when homegirl shows up at a fashion show in a top from the new "Slutty Toddler B*ches Collection" she just started, you can't ignore it. Eff, I probably just gave her a new idea for a clothing line.

I'll be honest -- I really can't fault this b TOO MUCH, because I used to buy Old Navy terry cloth toddler shirts and wear them as crop tops. They were, like, a 4T. In my defense, it was the early 00s. Everything was super-disgusting back then. At least I was.

i miss myspace.
Speaking of the Hilts, I have a little bit of a backstory with her. When I was in Las Vegas one weekend, back in the Hilton sister heyday, I couldn't stop running into Paris' ass. I first saw her in Bebe (SHUT UP, IT WAS 2007), where her bodyguard handed my cousin and me signed postcard-sized head shots of PH, because we were standing within a 10 foot radius of her in her sweatpants, I guess. I then saw her later that night at a club, where she awkwardly danced in the elevated VIP section next to LL Cool J. By the time I saw PP and Nicky walking though the casino carrying cats in their arms the next day like queens of damn Sheba, I was done with that sh*t. I have enough Paris Hilton anecdotal stories to last a f*cking lifetime, thank you very much. It's still too soon for me to see her face.

And really, after writing all of this, I'm starting to question my life choices.


I need a drink. Thanks, Paris.



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Thursday, January 30, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Trojan Condoms' Commercial Is Letting Us Know That Old People Are Doing It

Haven't felt like you wanted to vomit nearly enough today? This should solve that.



Well, my uterus just shriveled up and died like a Craisin, so there's that. My brain knows, deep in its recesses, that oldies occasionally get freaky. But, my eyeballs and ear holes don't need that data.

via realitytvgifs
Thanks, Trojan. I'm barren.






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Monday, January 27, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Will Smith, For Having a Chico's Kind Of Day At A Grammys After-Party

While skimming this article over at BuzzFeed, I came across this photo of Will Smith at a Grammys after-party:

pic via buzzfeed
What. The. Eff. Is. Happening. Here? This looks just like an outfit that your Auntie Paula, who is a middle school receptionist with this haircut, would wear with some kicky clogs to work because, TGIF. Or maybe an ensemble a woman who is going on a first date post-divorce with a nice manager of a local Honda dealership that she met on Plenty of Fish would put together. This is not an outfit that a man wears to A GRAMMY EFFING PARTY.


Stella needs to get her groove back.





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Monday, January 20, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Vagina Armpits, As Brought To The Forefront By Jennifer Lawrence

I have a long and sordid history with vag 'pits. I lived through the early-to-mid 2000s, when you couldn't walk to the f*cking mailbox without wearing a tube top, so, of course, this is very familiar territory for me. So. Many. Skin. Folds. And thanks to J Law's unfiltered ass at the SAG Awards the other night, it looks as if all of our armpit afflictions might have a new celebrity spokesperson.

via people

I don't know if the general population has been calling excess armpit fat/skin/whatever that sh*t is by this name, or if it's just an underground movement, but I'm glad it's all out in the open. Thanks, Jennifer, once again you've saved us all with your limitless bravery.




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Friday, January 17, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Kris Jenner, For Ruining One Of My Favorite Songs Of All Time


My fave new rap group @nicolerichie @KrisJenner
Jan 15, 2014| Source: Keek.com

Mother of a b, Kris Jenner, is nothing sacred in this world? Never mind, I think that we already know your answer to that sh*t. Even Nicole Richie's presence in this video couldn't elevate it beyond terrible-to-quite-terrible levels, because Kris Jenner is attempting to rap one of the greatest songs of all historical times and completely effs it up. Salt-N-Pepa's "Shoop" is pretty much a hymn for me, and now it's ALL JUST RUINED!


I have a rich, deep history with this song, so spin it for me one more time, Spinderella, and it goes like this: When I was in middle school, I had the CD/cassette of "Shoop," and I listened to it every damn day on my Disc/Walkman (I can't remember which of these this was...it was the early 90s) as I rode the bus on the way to school. I then started writing the lyrics to the song so I could memorize them, which I did, and I STILL KNOW ALL OF THEM TO THIS DAY. So, the moral of the story? Kris Jenner just ruined my childhood. Thanks a bunch.


No, seriously, I bought some chips today and I can't stop thinking about them. I'm going to shove all of them into my mouth hole.





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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: The Unicorn Anthem Of Our Lives

Remember when I used to do that whole 'GUUUUUURL of the Day' deal? Yeah, I should probably get my sh*t together and actually try to do things that I'm supposed to do more often. Just like my middle school guidance counselor said, I should really apply myself more.


So in the spirit of getting back on (off?) the wagon, here's a video from yesteryear (2008) that I am just now discovering, even though I have a full subscription to every unicorn-related newsletter from here to eternity. I must have been too busy vajazzling in '08, causing this gem (zing!) to slip though my grubby paws.



I don't know who this delightfully bowl-cutted young man is, but I want in on this Unicorn Kingdom Club. Move, Miss Emily, get out the way. "Just close your eyes and grab onto the horn, " is a motto I can totally get behind.



video via reddit


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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Miley's Thirsty Ass Eyebrow Situation

Listen, I know that my slacking ass hasn't had a GOTD in roughly 3948753487 days, but times are tough, and whatnot. But after peeping the scene that is Mi Cy's current brow landscape, I couldn't let that sh*t slide.

via lily allen's ig
I don't really quite understand exactly WHAT IS HAPPENING where her eyebrows should be, but I do know that these are dire and desperate moments in brow history.


It looks to be a supreme bleach job, but I'm really hoping against all hopes that is all some kind of makeup tom foolery. Miley, I know that you are expressing your expression-y expressions of being young, wild and free, but SONOFAB*TCH, think of the children ('s eyeballs that have to see your eyebrow insanity). If this starts to become a thing, I will lose my mf-ing mind, and apparently my brow area.


I know you're just being Miley, but this thoroughly confusing eyebrow conundrum of epic proportions has earned your place as GUUUUUURL of the Day.

P.S. If Brit Brit is throwing you eyebrow shade, you know that that ish is out of control.





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Monday, May 13, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: This Highly Refined and Sophisticated (NO.) Boy Band Video



Listen, I don't know from what year this atrocity hailed, but I would venture a guess that it's early 00's. Canned cheese on a cracker, this sh*t is bad. It meets all the criteria of GUUUURL-ness:
  • Worst font in the history of fonts -- CHECK
  • Biggest fright I've had from viewing a scene through a toy -- CHECK
  • Most awkward frosted, chunky, super-saturated with hair wax hair that I've ever seen -- CHECK
  • LAYERED wife beaters in assorted colors -- CHECK (Somebody splurged on the 5 pack)
  • Adult women flirting with (and touching) an elementary school aged child -- CHECK
  • Wide variety of choker necklaces -- CHECK
  • Weird sexual innuendo in a video starring a child -- CHECK
  • Sh*t ton of track pants -- CHECK
  • Upper arm bandana -- CHIGITY CHECK
  • Bulletproof vest/life jacket hybrid apparel -- CHECK
  • Kid wearing a furry pimp hat -- CHECK
  • Possible origination of visual inspiration for Avatar characters -- CHECK
  • Skin color more unusual than that of an Avatar character -- CHECK
  • Exploitation of homeless character for zero reason -- CHECK
These dudes have hair only one of these ill-advised hats could love.


Thanks be to The Ashlee Simpson Show that the early millenniums are effing over. That was a hot ass mess of a time period. Shut the door on that ish forever, ever. (Ever, ever?)


Yes. Bye, b*tch.




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Monday, April 29, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Non-Elegance That Is "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls."

I was watching Snapped last night, which is surprisingly boring for a show about murder, when I realized how much I really, really hate something.


This is a screen shot of the opening of the show, and there's my annoying nemesis -- "Manicured Hands Holding Pearls." I've always been confounded and irritated by the painted nails/multi strands of pearls deal, stemming from my mid-90's, teen talon (long-as-hell, chocolate brown, acrylic nails) days, when posters of this mess was plastered up everywhere and in every damn nail salon.

ugh. like i'm going to pay for this crap.
ohhhh. so glamourous and edgy.
bigger balls.
Listen b's, don't sue me for using these pictures. I'VE GOT TO DEMONSTRATE SH*T. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to feel when I look at this crap. Understated elegance? A reminder that I hate french manicures? Rich b*tches love clutching all of their pearl strands at once?


I give up on looking at things with my eyes.



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Thursday, April 18, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Whatever the Hell Kind of Effery This B is Pulling

Warning: Language NSFW, video NSFL, and get ready to see what your 'sexy' Aunt Sherry's music video would look like.



Oh, sh*t, you guys. Am I a hop, skip, and a lesbian makeout sesh away from this? Autotune was so effing overworked and underpaid on this crap that it just quit this b. I do enjoy how the 'VIP section' of the 'club' is in homegirl's guest bedroom of her condo. Hanging a beige mofo sheet on the wall with thumbtacks that you borrowed from your Condo Association's 'Sexy Cougar Community Board' does not a VIP section make. And we get it, lady is a super sexual man eater that can't be tamed and likes to do young dudes. GOT IT, BOO. I hope you kept the receipt for that bodysuit.



Dammit, I need some mouthwash -- for my eyeballs and my brain.




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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Hot B*tch That Sings the Theme to The Neverending Story



I feel like a piece of sh*t, you guys. The Neverending Story is one of my down ass b movies. I totally love that crap, and have been searching for a headband like the damn Childlike Empress for my entire adult life. Now that I have actually written that, it seems a little odd, but I don't give an eff. That thing is amazing, and needs to be replicated on my head. So the fact that I have never seen the music video that accompanies the NES theme song is banana pancakes.

HOW HAVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS?!? I seriously thought this sh*t was a joke video that homeboy made at a state fair, where you can record fake music videos. But this is real, man. THAT HAIR EXISTED ON A REAL HUMAN'S HEAD. It's a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll, and a lot a bit third grade boy. And if that's your singing face all the time, Imma need you to stop singing. It's frightening. And porn-y. And makes me feel uncomfortable in my brain area. I can appreciate the fact that you're giving me full-on FACE, but I can't handle it.


Nope. Not today, sir. Not today.




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Friday, April 12, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Brenda Walsh in a Photographic History, 'Cause It's That B's Birthday.

You guys, I love Shannen Doherty's ass. (Figuratively, not literally.) And today is mah boo's birthday, so I've collected some amazing pictures of that crazy ass through the years -- or the 90's. Whatever.

jorts for effing daysssssss
well this sh*t is just massively uncomfortable...
even a bunk ass perm can't stop the FACE
...and kelly's a slut b*tch, duh.
badass 4 lyfe
that's right, dylan, oooo you can get it.
this.
ha. and a sh*tload of this. wynonna judd meets alyssa milano in fear.
who DOESN'T want to slap the ever-loving blah out of andrea zuckerman???
and just because -- what are you, wilford brimley? get your sh*t together, andrea.
Happy Birthday, Brenda (Shannen). You're forever my GUUUUUURL.






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Sunday, March 24, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: LeAnn Rimes and Her Garbage Shorts

via huffpo
According to the Huffington Post, LeAnn was photographed in this literal hot mess at her stepson's baseball game. A couple of issues here -- I mean clearly the sweaty-ass-hootenanny pleather shorts are public vag enemy number one, and totally creepy to wear to a kid's deal. But let's say you are full-on committed to wearing that ish. Would you not at least PUT ON MAKEUP WHEN YOU'RE WEARING VINYL HOT PANTS? If ever a time there arose to wear makeup, this is it, boo boo. And the fact that you are wearing a vintage-y football sweater because you're going to a sporting thing is annoying. How do I live with this owwwwtfit? How do I...How do I...But your boots are cute.

via realitytvgifs
Can you tell I like Brandi Glanville? (I refuse to say Team whatever. It makes me want to vomit.) Homegirl's funny and gives less than an eff. But really, I'm sure it's hard being LeAnn Rimes.



Okay, so I just really, really wanted to use that clip for about three weeks now. Eff it. Viva la moustache.





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Monday, March 18, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Bradley Cooper Sporting What I Can Only Hope is a Precursor to a Tight, TIGHT Ass Perm

via huffpo
Brad Coo is making some crazy ass movie where he apparently works at a slutty Army Surplus store that does illegal perms on the side. Or not -- I don't know what the hell this is all about, but if tight spiral perms are involved, sign my ass up. I've been looking for a hot as eff hairstyle from a movie, because I haven't really felt one since that dick Darryl Soul Glo-ed it up in Coming to America.


I know, I know. Dude straight up ripped off Lionel Richie's "Hello" hair, but it was a hot look. So whatever the eff Bradley's movie is about, that hair better be looking right. If not, he has to do this, like, ALL THE TIME.



Don't even play like you aren't into this right now. Stop it.


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Sunday, March 3, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: The Human/Werewolf Guy



This is apparently from some show on Syfy that I really should be watching, because this sh*t is straight comedy. The dude in the Tommy Bahama shirt is supposed to be "transforming" into a werewolf right before our very eyes. Sir, please. That mess is lame as eff. You are doing a hulk impression, pawing the ground, and letting out a half-assed howl. No. But the best part is after he's back to being a totally reg human and he's all, "Oh, damn. What time is it? Werewolf time flies when you're having fun. I've got a haircut in ten minutes."


Imma need a LOT more wine if you want me to start getting on this nonsense train. No.




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Monday, January 28, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Boy, Boys. Can't I Just Have You All?



My God, this is terrifying. I feel like I just escaped from 293,840 serial murders. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? THIS SH*T IS YOUR BEST FIRST IMPRESSION??? Here are my thoughts, in order:
  • Oh hey, dude number one -- you can take off the effing weightlifting belt. You're sitting in a friggin' chair, ya douche.
  • No one named Maurice is a, a-hem, "wild man." (Except maybe the dad in Beauty and the Beast.)
  • BIG PHIL??? In comparison to what? Gross, don't answer that.
  • Hey "deep into the night" satin shirt, you can't even SIT UP for two minutes???
  • Mike, the anti-smoking dude, why did you pirouette a quarter turn? This isn't Glamour Shots. Or maybe it was. Like a two-for-one type deal...
  • LISTEN MAURICE, you don't own a tuxedo, and Men's Warehouse is NOT going to refund your deposit, so good luck with that.
  • WHY IS YOUR MOM WATCHING THIS, REINDEER SWEATER? You must feel pretty confident that you'll get a date in a timely manner, by wearing such a seasonal piece. Ballsy.
  • Best Hair Award has to go to "fashion photography." Did you see that volume? That length??
  • I wish an overgrown monster would effing eat your ass, crazy shirt.
  • Guy with the rose -- I'm going to vom. You don't even know WTF you're talking about. You. Are. The. Worst.
  • WHAT??? YOU GUYS ENJOY HAVING FUN? We have so much in common.
  • What is a hamster? Like literally, you don't like the pet rodent?
  • I can't even hate on suspenders. Get me that b*tch's number.
  • Cats AND domestic violence? That's a tall order. (P.S. Doesn't domestic violence/sexual abuse look like Bruce Jenner?)
  • "I average four hours a night's sleep. The rest of the time I am murdering people."
  • I might really be in love with reindeer sweater. He's got some strong to quite strong ass eye contact.
  • I refuse to even acknowledge the viking.
Why were the 80's so effing terrible? I'd rather do a Garbage Pail Kid than any of these dicks. (Except you, reindeer sweater. You's a keeper.)




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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Kanyeezy's Pseudo-Hero Mask

via buzzfeed
Dammit, West, what kind of nonsensical stupidity is happening here? You look like a milk man/priest/guy from Fat Albert hybrid.


Or like a kid on Halloween whose mom totally forgot that it was Halloween, because she works like three jobs (she's had some tough times), and then the kid is all, "MOOOOM, I don't even have a costume!" and she cuts a hole in the hat she's wearing and says it's a Spiderman costume. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure that you're holding your wenis like a corn cob. Can we just stop all of this sh*t, already? YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SOMETHING'S FATHER.


Enough is a mother effin' nough.

P.S. This is why the world wants to collectively punch you.




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Thursday, January 3, 2013

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lil' Waynes NEWEST Face Tattoo. (The Old Ones are Kind of Grandfathered in, I Guess.)

pic via spin
I mean, I really didn't even think that this needed to be said, but apparently, it does: Tattooing sh*t on your face is not a great idea. Not only did Lil' Wayne (Side note -- how long in life can one be known as "Lil'" whatever? Is there an age cap on that? I feel like if you are a septuagenarian, or something, it's gone on far too long.) get another face tattoo, but this one reads "BAKED" in squares. It's apparently in reference to a skateboard company competitor? Or something? I don't know, you go try to figure that mess out. I'm far, far too old to know what the eff all of this means.

One thing that I do feel pretty, pretty confident about is not getting a tattoo...on your face. Especially when it's a possible advertising ploy. Like, you realize that is your FACE face, right? And you already have a bunch of OTHER tattoos on that b? You only have one forehead, Lil'. Let's not make it a cluttered Penny Saver advertising page. IT'S YOUR FACE, MAN.

via realitytvgifs
You look crazy.



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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

GUUUUUURL of the Day: Everyone in the World's (But Honey Boo Boo's) Christmas Card

via buzzfeed
This is HBB's family Christmas card. Every other family in the universe needs to cancel their appointment at the Sears Portrait Studio, because that ish is a wrap. You can't compete with all of this, so best not even try. Even the baby is like, "Is this really my life?" Not one person in this family has control over their posing. What are these faces, family?!? Why is Pumpkin (I think. Or is that one Chubbs? The one in the back.) turned completely to the side like she doing her own damn glamour shot in a camo hoodie? And the front two sisters CANNOT work their angles anything like HBB. I really do think that Honey Boo Boo and I are totally in synch with each other. I don't know what that weird Shrek hair deal is happening on her head, but I would have LOVED that ish when I was a kid...Or now, whatever. Shine on. Do you.

via realitytvgifs


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