If You Can't Get Too Many Cooks Out Of Your Head, Here's Your Antidote

This is such a friggin' confusing piece of fine art. These British (???) people seem to have only heard of three fast food places. Nary a Taco Bell in Europe, I guess.

And they're talking about sex times, yet the dancing dog with the Jem makeup makes me think that your latest ringtone is for children. But the ass-slapping while singing about sauce and the "I'm coming back for more...HOTDOG!" makes me hope this is really not for juveniles. And I don't even want to know what "let's eat to the beat" means.

I just need to know which life-size My Buddy Special S&M Edition™dolls these three yanked those outfits from. I need to see everyone's receipts.

P.S. If you clicked there to buy the album, I can't talk to you anymore.

P.P.S. If you would now like to reinstall Too Many Cooks back into your brain after this hot mess express, you can watch my jankety remake here.

P.P.P.S. If you don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, get on everyone's level.


via reddit


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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-Themed Video Roundup That You've Always (Never) Wanted

Did you go see the TMNT movie this weekend? I didn't, because I'm a grown ass woman and too old for that shit. But because of the release, there have been a plethora of ninja turtle-related videos being passed around like a tray of the cheesiest of cheesy hors d'oeuvres.

Let's dive right in, first with some live action (action) from the OG-ish turtles on Oprah's show. Get ready for a cheese-splosion.



This is from 1990, but if you said it was from 1890, I'd be inclined to believe you. Damn, technology, you've come a long way in...almost 25 years. Shit, I'm old.

This whole bit looked like a rejected skit from Chuck E Cheese. The kids' faces in the audience spoke volumes.

They're like, "I'm only here because my mom wanted to take a day off work. I wish I was in computer lab playing Oregon Trail. This is some straight bullshit."

This entire video gave me adjacent-embarrassment issues. Oprah, you've come a long way, baby. And one of those guys in the turtle suits (sorry, did I ruin the illusion?) went on the be Brad Pitt. (No, he didn't.)

Speaking of embarrassment, poor Vanilla Ice.



Not only is he starring in a Kraft Macaroni & Cheese commercial, he's playing himself as a current-day stock boy. On one hand, I feel like I wrote this commercial. On the other, times are tough. If this is Ice's real life situation, hook me up with a job, bro. I'll bring in my resume.

With VI's "Go, Ninja, go" moment in mind, let's watch the most adorable TMNT video that's ever been made.



If the real movies contained buckets of fat and sleepy pugs, I would be there on MF-ing opening night. With a jumbo popcorn and Twizzler straw for my drink.

me, trying to get the last piece of popcorn

You're welcome for inserting "Go, Ninja, go, Ninja, go," deeeeply into your brain areas. Send your hate mail directly to me c/o Vanilla Ice, because he'll probably be my shift manager at my new job.




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I'm Too Old For This World Music Monday: Cody Simpson's "Surfboard"

I don't know who this kid is. If I was forced to wager a guess, I would say that it's the test tube creation of Spencer Pratt and Puck from Real World: San Francisco. But, I do know that the video vixen (Are the kids still saying that? No? Where's Nelly?) is Yolanda's daughter, of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame. So there, mf-ers! I've only got one foot in the oldie grave!

Is this a complete song derived from that one lyric in Beyoncé's song? Is that how we're coming up with content now? I didn't know that I could take a line from, like, "Who Let the Dogs Out" and just make a whole song about it. Seems kind of shitty in terms of songwriting, but what do I know? Not much.

Also, are we just putting all songs inside of one song now? Or did I just listen to this baby Max Headroom's entire album smooshed together in a three minute bundle?

Help me children, WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

Love,
Gam Gam Shan

P.S. Send more Werther's.







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GUUUUUURL Of The Day: Paris Hilton's Fetus-Sized Crop Top

via pp face's instagram

Haven't you guys missed P Hilly so much? Of course not, but didn't you almost forget about her ass? Still no? Sorry. I usually treat Paris like I treat my need to go to the gym (pretend it's not there), but when homegirl shows up at a fashion show in a top from the new "Slutty Toddler B*ches Collection" she just started, you can't ignore it. Eff, I probably just gave her a new idea for a clothing line.

I'll be honest -- I really can't fault this b TOO MUCH, because I used to buy Old Navy terry cloth toddler shirts and wear them as crop tops. They were, like, a 4T. In my defense, it was the early 00s. Everything was super-disgusting back then. At least I was.

i miss myspace.

Speaking of the Hilts, I have a little bit of a backstory with her. When I was in Las Vegas one weekend, back in the Hilton sister heyday, I couldn't stop running into Paris' ass. I first saw her in Bebe (SHUT UP, IT WAS 2007), where her bodyguard handed my cousin and me signed postcard-sized head shots of PH, because we were standing within a 10 foot radius of her in her sweatpants, I guess. I then saw her later that night at a club, where she awkwardly danced in the elevated VIP section next to LL Cool J. By the time I saw PP and Nicky walking though the casino carrying cats in their arms the next day like queens of damn Sheba, I was done with that sh*t. I have enough Paris Hilton anecdotal stories to last a f*cking lifetime, thank you very much. It's still too soon for me to see her face.

And really, after writing all of this, I'm starting to question my life choices.

I need a drink. Thanks, Paris.



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Black Cat, An Essay

I've decided to start trying to diversify my shit, and attempt to write various kinds of things. Today I wrote my first essay, just to kind of see if I could, and if I had anything to write about. It's a memoir, of sorts, about an Elementary School-aged me, and this song:



The essay is after the jump if you care to indulge, and if not, that's cool too. It's totally acceptable if you're here to talk about lipstick and Justin Bieber. Don't worry, I'm still doing that. I probably won't post more of these essays here, but I thought I would go ahead and post this shit because it's the first one and, whatever, I do what I want.

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I'm on Neighborhood Watch.

Selena Gomez has been filming a movie in my town for the past few weeks, along with ol' Smirks McGee (Government Name: Vanessa Hudgens). I gave not really a crap about this, unless I got to see that b. And alas, I have not. So I pretty much felt like this:

 That is until a couple of days ago, when the plot started to thicken on this ish. That's when I found out that THE BIEBS was here! Staying right down the street from me, at the Vinoy.

I hear that this place is haunted, so I secretly hope that the ghost of Abagail Adams (???) haunted him and he tee-teed in the bed. Fingers crossed! THIS B supposedly spent $18k IN ONE FRIGGIN' NIGHT. Okay, Justin Bieber! I see you! Ridic.

It gets even closer to home for me. Sunday night, these two little love muffins were seen at the sports bar NEXT DOOR to my damn apartment. What the what?

Here's my professional photograph. They obviously have nice garbage receptacles. So here's the haps from my source, who happens to be my radio host friend, Holly. She talked to a waitress over at Ferg's (the lovely bar pictured) that said that Selena and Biebs ALLEGEDLY got a little crunk on purple drank (not literally). They apparently were drinkin' and fightin' like they were on an epi of Teen Mom. The Bieb-ster stormed out after a fight, and later came back to hang more. See? Celebs are just like us!




(That was strictly a recreation, and not really a Justin Bieber video.)

I saw this beauty cruising down the interstate today, and I REALLY hope that those two crazy kids are shacked up inside.

Yes, that is an airbrushed portrait of cuddling white tigers on the back of an RV.

P.S. For some reason every time that I type "Justin Bieber" I almost always type "Justin Beaver." Coincidence? I think not...

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A Halloween Hahahahah Moment

C Stodd and her gross husband, who here is dressed as an out of work 90's boy band-er who now works under the table for a moving company, were kicked out of a pumpkin patch after people complained about these two hoeing it up. (That was the longest run-on sentence ever, but you get the point.) These two rascals! With their fake sex ish! Hop over to the Daily Mail and see more of this hot ham sandwich situation. But seriously, you are at a PUMPKIN PATCH. I hope the spirit of the Great Pumpkin comes for these crazies. (No, I don't. I love them.) This. B*tch.

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