GUUUUUURL of the Day: Your New Workout Jam

WARNING: I'm pretty sure one of these dudes says the f-word a couple of times, but who can really tell in this life. Just maybe don't play this in the ball pit at McDonald's. Or maybe do. I don't really care.

The name of this song is "GYM" in Papyrus font, for starters. And, actually, this whole song and video are like the Papyrus font personified, so it's really quite fitting. If there is something for adults akin to a Girl Scout badge, I really think that I deserve one for making it through the song.

I really have a lot of questions here.

Do you believe this guy's guns are as hard as lead by using his home gym thingy next to the radiator? Did he say "pumping it till it aches?" Did he also say "I GO GYM ON THE REGS?" Around the 1:00 mark, is there another song playing? Do you like to stay "busting weights with your mates?" Don't answer that, because it's obviously a yes. What's a "pro-in" shake? Why is the glass shaped like that? Are all glasses in Europe shaped in such a way? Was he really running that fast? It seemed more speed walk-y to me, but maybe I'm a bad judge of speed. Where did that third guy come from? What's on that piece of copy paper taped to the wall with packing tape? Did the surprise dude say his muscles are "kind of coned?"

At this point in the video, I started to travel to an alternate universe where this video didn't even exist, and shitty workout equipment had never been invented, so I don't really know what happened after that.

I'm never playing another YouTube video again.

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My Life Has Been Pointless Until This Moment, Because Someone (Maybe) Captured A Chupacabra!

Let's be honest. You couldn't even focus on the alleged mythical beast after peeping the more mythical scene on JaQuée's head.(I'm assuming that's the legitimate spelling of Jackie's name.) Is that a teased George Washington wig? If so, get me some wooden teeth and pass me one, because homegirl is the definition of perfection. I want in.

Listen, I don't know what the shit that thing is in the cage, but I'm sure as hell not trusting Arlen Parma's opinion on anything. LAUGH IT UP, ARLEN. THIS IS NO JOKE. You better keep those hater blockers on to protect yourself from my searing eyeballs.

But you know what is a joke? This.

Where did they get this artist's rendering? A late night anime show on Cartoon Network? A pre-teen boy's biology notebook cover? Whoever dragged this effery out of the trash needs to take several damn seats. Quit playing.

The chupacabra bids you good day, news people, and so do I. I really have to go work on some shit. Chupy and I have a ton of new pics to post on our joint "Fans of Queen JaQuée" Instagram account.



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