Showing posts with label Hey Jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hey Jealousy. Show all posts

Thursday, July 30, 2015

GUUUUUURL Of The Day: All Of Us, For Not Being On A Jet Ski With Jennifer Lawrence And Amy Schumer

A photo posted by @amyschumer on

I mean, can a bitch hop on one of those banana boat things? An inner-tube? Some type of shit?

Here's Jennifer Lawrence driving Amy Schumer around on a GD jet ski, gallivanting around like a couple of Ariels, while I went to jury duty today. (Also, how long can I milk that annoying situation? Just today, or what?) I hate watersports (ZING-A-THON!) and even I want to get in on this action.

And this wasn't the only activity of the day.

A photo posted by @amyschumer on

Of course, Jen and her tiny, baby-sized belly button are at the top of the pyramid. If I were part of these festivities, I would mos def be the homegirl lying in the front, and not because I was wearing a knee brace and just got a fierce-ass perm. I just hate participation.

Actually, I wouldn't even be on the boat. If Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence called me on a three-way call, one from a phone that was shaped like a pair of lips and one from a clear plastic phone with colorful wires inside, and personally invited me to go frolic in the sea, I would be like, "Sorry, bitch, I'm watching Judge Judy in a room darkened with blackout curtains." And then I would shove more white cheddar popcorn into my pie hole. Because that is my actual life.

Let's just try to end this on a positive note.




SOS, send more popcorn.








Pin It

Thursday, February 13, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: Models Rejected Our Boyfriend, Jared Leto.


It's currently New York Fashion Week (and also Valentine's week), but that didn't stop a couple of models with ice-cold hearts from rejecting the world's prettiest man, Jared Leto. Here's what happened, from Page Six:

Jared Leto struck out Tuesday when he asked a female friend to help him ask for two models’ phone numbers at a Fashion Week bash.
The Oscar-nominated “Dallas Buyers Club” star was chatting with and “twirling around” the models at Guess’ On the Road to Nashville party.
Later, Leto sent his friend over to get their numbers. But, to his surprise “They said no,” our spy reports.

THEY SAID NO. NO.  Listen, models, I know you're all model-y and hot, and therefor it's great for you to use some discretion when giving out your number, and sh*t. I'm not in that gorgeous creature life, so I can't judge you for that. But this is Jared Leto.

Maybe you don't follow him on Instagram, so you couldn't be instantly charmed by his vegan pancake flipping video.



And you're models, so I'm assuming you are of a ripe, young age, so maybe you've been caught unaware with the likes of JORDAN mf-ing CATALANO.


I guess it's possible that you're allergic to flannel and corduroy, or something, but take a Benadryl and solider the eff on. Us normals are counting on you, hot models, to take a seat on the Leto Express. If you don't, we run the risk of acts of domestic terrorism like this happening:

via j's instagram
This is NOT an option.

P.S. Leto, you might need to re-up on your game techniques. You sent a friend over to simultaneously get two girls' numbers after you twirled around them. You're in the big leagues now. This ain't some Angela Chase sh*t.



Pin It

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Beauty Lessons I've Learned From Glam As Eff Celebrity Kids

We already know that celebrities primarily have their crap together, looks-wise. As if that doesn't wound your ego enough, how can we even feel semi-cool when so many celebrity kids are such badass mofos? Instead of just being insanely jealous of these small humans, I've gleaned some valuable lessons from their far-more-glamorous-than-mine lifestyles, and how they can enhance our boring, adult lives.

Lesson #1: Maddox Jolie-Pitt's brave ass bleached mohawk haircut reminds you to take a chance and get that gutsy cut.
 

If a five year old (or whatever, I'm terrible with kid ages) can get a haircut that's avant garde as sh*t, then maybe you can get more than a trim next time you hit up the Cost Cutters. Our hair can be a kind of living, growing security blanket, and changing it can take balls, but it's also an accessory that you wear every damn day so it better be pretty cool. If you feel like chopping that sh*t and matching your spirit animal Jennifer Lawrence, listen to Sara Bareilles' "Brave" on repeat three times and do it. It's just hair, IT WILL GROW BACK.


Lesson #2: Suri Cruise's constant elegance shows you CAN get your sh*t together and do a DIY mani.


Oh, who is that, Blair Waldorf? Nope, that's mf-ing Suri Cruise, who is in preschool, or some sh*t, wearing t-stap heels and a chic, floral, bubble-hemmed dress. This picture is really putting a harsh microscope on the extent of my laziness. While I find it hard to wash my hair on the reg, Suri already knows how to wear hear metallic handbag in a cross-body fashion.


I know, I know, Suri. I feel your eyes of judgement. I'll paint my toenails tomorrow.

Lesson #3: Skyler Zoe schools us on letting your beautiful curly-haired flag fly.


Hair is the world's biggest case of that annoying old tripe, "you always want what you can't have." But embracing the natural texture of your hair can be a gorgeous thing, and if you don't believe me, just ask this kid's ridiculous lovely locks. Living in these modern times (old), there are roughly 83 trillion hair products out there, so find the right combo that works for your hair and work that sh*t.


Not you, Biebs. Not you.

Lesson #4: Stafani/Rossdale kids are beacons for not being afraid to try a trend.


Listen, these kids are f*cking way, way cooler than you.  Do you have a badass professor-y looking tweed vest? Are you currently wearing a bow tie with a checkered shirt? Didn't think so. But even though we are all infinitely more pedestrian than these tiny children, we can still learn from their edge and flair. Don't be afraid to wear that bold ass purple lipstick! Zuma (Zima? Zumba? Simba?) would totally encourage it. Feel like wearing some super-extreme cat eye liner? Kingston approves. He's wearing flame shoes. Trust him.


Lesson #5: Levi McConaughey needs you to chill the hell out.


I know, I know, life's a b*tch and then you die, and all that jazz. But we could definitely learn a little something from the offspring of Matty McC, and be a little more hippie and zen-like. Stress is one of the biggest things that can wreak havoc on your beauty life and your life life, so learning to deal with it will actually make you hotter. You've got to do what you have to do to decompress -- workout if it helps, drink so damn cozy time tea, read yourself a bedtime story, I don't give an eff. Figure out your deal and make yourself feel better. And maybe try walking a bandana-wearing dog, or something.

Lesson #6: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt says do you and forget everyone's opinions.


Shiloh is a down-ass little person. She's all about breaking down gender barriers and schooling b*tches on being themselves. Shiloh does and wears what she wants, and I love it. If a kid this young can be true to their style and to themselves, then the horrible adults of this earth can all do the same.

Lesson #7: Louis Bullock lives by the motto, "When in doubt, hat it out."


LLASC, you guys. (That's Louis loves a smart chapeau, if you're a lame.) Listen, there's not much better in this life than a bangin' statement accessory, and hats near the top of the list. My favorite thing about hats? They cover dirty hair, AKA irrefutable visual evidence of my laziness. But they also add style, sass, grunge, weirdness, femininity, or whatever deal you're working with to a basic bones outfit. So take a page from lil' Louis' style book and put a hat on that sh*t.


What celebrity kid do you guys love? Did I miss anyone? Blue Ivy asked me not to mention her. She said her life is none of our damn business.



Pin It

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Get Ready to Judge My Ass: Top 5 H's I Wanted to be When I Was a Kid

 Honorable Mention -- Any b from Kids Incorporated


I mean, come on. Fergie Ferg and Jennifer Love Hews...Whatevs. I was jealous as eff as all of these little chicken heads. Young kids singing age inappropriate songs? That gets all kinds of "YAAAS" from me.



 #5 -- The main chick from Ladybugs


 I don't know this girl's name or story. All I know is she was really pretty, and she got to co-star with my super crush at the time, Jonathan Brandis. And, bonus:


 B got to work with Jackee Harry. End of list.

#4 -- Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All 


I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I was totally obsessed with this mess. Her outfits...So avant garde! My fake name when I was a kid was Clarissa. What, you didn't have a fake name?

But my favorite thing about Clarissa was her room:


Man, that ish was hot. I was dying to do all this crap to my room, but my mom was all, "You can't paint over your wallpaper. It will dimish the resale value of the house. Blah, blah." Ugh, white middle-class people are so uptight.

But my favorite Melissa Joan Hart moment actually came just a few years ago.


Tell me you can tear your eyes away. I know you can't. Mmmm. I'm hungry for Fruit Roll Ups, now.

#3 -- The daughter from She's Out of Control

 You guys have probably never seen this fantastic piece of art, but it's magnificent. I mean it stars Tony Danza! (But no Angela, and even worse, NO MONA!)


But it has one of those awesome "from nerd to gorge" scenes:


REALLY?!? She looks like this dude:


Ridic, movie people. Ridic.


But check out this outfit. That heel is almost too sexy for Hollywood. But on the real, this movie made me Down 4 Life when it comes to thigh highs.

 #2 -- Teen Witch


If you haven't seen Teen Witch, I can't even with you. It is the best thing in the world, hands down. Like, the music in this mess will rock the HELL out of your world. The absolute best moment in cinematic history is this one:



Look at this ish. It's flawless as eff. Sigh.


And I always wanted to be the most popular girl. The best part of this is the gangster dude getting super into the musical number:



Ugh, I'll never have an embellished denim vest that is half that beast. I hate my life.

#1 -- The Queen (Princess? Whatever.) from The Neverending Story


Who knows what this b's name is. I've watched this movie about 284982 times, and I still don't know. But that head piece is one of the best things I have seen to this day. Also, she wore makeup and she was like, maybe 10. So. Freakin'. Jealous.

I was also weirdly obsessed with these statues:


Boob envy? Badass wing envy? I don't know, but they are cool.

Side note: What the hell was this all about?


That ish is scary as eff.

As you can see, I was a weird kid that became a weird adult.

Who did you guys want to be when you were a kid? Or was that even a thing for you? Am I insane? (Probs.)




Pin It

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Can we Timeshare This or Something?


Holly Golightly's townhouse made famous by Breakfast at Tiffany's is for sale for almost $6 million. Anyone want to go one-millionth-sies with me? You can check out more pictures of the place, which was previously owned by some muckety muck banker dude that was collared for insider trading, over at Curbed.

Pin It

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Daaaaaaaang, Becky Lettuce!

Pic via E! Online
Rebecca Romijn is damn 39 years old! And has 3 year old twins! I HATE MYSELF! Why am I exclaiming EVERYTHING! (See, that even needed a question mark, and I ignored the rules of punctuation!) I feel like this right now!
Pin It

storystack

Google