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Showing posts with label Nails. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nails. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Drugstore Beauty: A Sassy Ass Spring Refresher For Just $20

It's officially Spring, you guys. So that means it's time to get our beauty shit so fresh and so clean, clean. But mostly just fresh.


With seasonal changes, I usually like to get some of that new new to spruce up my makeup flair, but due to broke ass-inducing circumstances like having to pay boring taxes and one of my dogs having to have double knee surgery, that cash flow game is pretty damn tight. So I decided to try to keep it affordable and spend $20 at the drugstore, just to find a few key things to help Stella get her groove back on the cheap.


This is seriously the state of one of my local drugstore beauty aisles. Was there a zombie apocalypse involving shitloads of liquid eyeliner and I was completely unaware? And if you wanted to buy a mascara here, you had to go get a clerk to unlock a anti-theft deal to get to it. Is mascara now pots o' gold? Am I unwittingly living on Riker's Island? Too much, drugstore. Too much. Regardless of what kind of effery was going on, as you can see I effectively spent my twenty dollars. Plus a couple of extra dollars. Whatever. I'm no Suze Orman. Here's what I ending up getting:


The one thing that I knew I wanted to get this Spring was an orange-y hued lipstick. Every beauty publication in the universe (seriously, google it) is saying that this is THE COLOR YOU MUST HAVE ON YOUR LIPS OR YOU'LL DIE OR SOMETHING, so who am I to buck the system? I also knew I wanted to get something matte, because that's my deal, so I was delighted to find the bright orange (with a touch of red) NYX Matte Lipstick in Indie Flick. It's a damn dream.

Because I wanted to keep the focus on that bangin' ass lip color, I wanted to keep the rest of my face as neutral as Switzerland (or Sweden if you're Jessica Alba). I've been dying to try the Maybelline Color Tattoo Dare to Go Nude Collection, so I settled on Sleek & Spice, which is a taupe with a dab of metallics. This isn't my first go-round with Color Tattoo shadows. I really love them because they're a gel-like texture, but DO NOT CREASE like a pair of linen pants at a Southern wedding. They're great. And you can layer them with powder shadows. Get on this train.

I next found the adorable cobalt blue turban/headband thing, and my day was made. I have roughly two billion of these because they cover a multitude of unfortunate circumstances, like my huge forehead and dirty hair. I hoard these things. I'm kind of like Brett Michaels and his bandanas about it.

Once I got that little guy, I was kind of on the blue kick, even though I am not a matcher in any part of my life. Either way, I fell in love with, not a stripper, but this Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Pacific Blue polish. It's GD lovely. Bonus: I only used one coat and it was completely opaque. Yay for lazy enabling!

Here's the finished product of my Spring-y reboot.


I'm super happy with how I spent my twenty spot. I would have probably just spent it on brokedown mall gumball machines anyway. What are you guys craving for Springtime beauty stuffs? Tell me what else I can buy.




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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Get That 90s Beauty Vibe, In Completely A Non-Tragic Way

They say, whoever the hell "they" are (Illuminati?), that fashion and beauty trends are cyclical, and everything comes back after about 20 years. That means we're smack dab in the middle of the 90s again. I've totally been there and done that, in middle and high school, and it was all terrifyingly terrible. With those feelings in mind, I've taken these boomeranged 90s beauty trends and given them a slightly modern tweak, so I can avoid flashbacks of the most awkward time in my life. Now I will be able to continue living like a friggin' human being, for the most part, without having to listen to a "Jock Jams" compilation album on repeat.

Chocolate Rain Nails


Yes, I used a "Chocolate Rain" reference in 2014. I know not what I do. The bad mofos at Floss Gloss sent me a sample of Blood, Suede & Tears a while back, and I have never gotten around to using it until now. There's a reason for my madness -- I have deep-seated issues with chocolate brown nail polish. It was my polish du jour (for every jour) in high school, so I'm almost still burned out on it. Like the Celine Dion Titanic song. It's all still filed under "too soon" in my brain.


But then I actually TRIED this polish, and it's pretty damn boss. I decided to top it off with my OPI Matte Top Coat to give it a more leathery look, and it looks 0% like my high school nails, but still has a hint of that 90s vibe. IN YOUR FACE, 1998!

Brows to the Max

my down ass brow pencil and well-loved anastasia brow powder
Okay, so maybe the 80s are the most known decade for big ass brows, but I refuse to think about sperm-y eyebrows of the mid to late 90s. I can't. I'm talking those lush-to-death Linda Evangelista brows that just won't quit. Those things are bad boys for life. (You know Puffy's going to try to sue me now.)


The biggest, boldest brows are built in two steps. (And in a day. Take that, Rome!) First, create the shape of the brows you want with an eyebrow pencil that's a couple of shades lighter than your hair color. Because this is the part that really shows on your skin, and doesn't stick to your hair, you don't want the pencil to be dark and super obvious. After you've penciled up, fill-in the stencil you've created with a slightly-darker-than-your-hair brow powder. Always follow the direction of the hair growth of your brows, to keep them looking natural and non-tattoo-like. Viva la bushy brows!

Kate Moss-esque Zero Effs Grunge Hair


The queen of 90s-I-don't-even-care-about-anything-I-just-happen-to-be-hot-and-my-boyfriend-is-Johnny-Depp hair is obviously Kate Moss. I mean, look at this picture. It's so meta 90s that you want to scoff your a-hole off. And Kate's like, "Wheeee! I just woke up this way! Next to Johnny mf-ing Depp in his sexy prime! I have quirky and adorable teeth! I kind of paved the way for Kirsten Dunst! I never got a thank you letter for that, but I'll let it go! Frozen! Adele Dazim! Isn't my hair so damn recklessly fabulous?"


Here's the best thing about this 90s hair resurgence: it's perfect for lazies. It really looks best with air-dried, messy hair, and this takes almost zero effort. And, really, second-day hair works even better, if you can stand it. I usually can't do second-day hair sans chapeau (thanks, seven years of French) but I treated my slightly oily hair here with the Jonathan Dry Dirt spray, which I was given a sample of, to sop up a little grease and add some texture and volume. My non-blow dried hair is limp as the limpest noodle (insert your own dirty joke, freak-a-leeks), so I've been using Dry Dirt on the daily, and it's the perfect mix of texture with a teensy bit of hold. The cherry on the 90s hair cake (that's disgusting) is a deep side part, so part it up. Okay, where's Johnny Depp? Side note -- how often do you think JD washes his hair? Twice a month, tops, I bet.

Gloom n' Doom Lips


Remember, like, seven paragraphs ago when I told you I was almost irreparably damaged in my beauty brain by my own brown nail history? I pretty much felt the same way about dark lips, man. As you can see by Exhibit A above, I really favored dark brown lips in my teenaged years. So when the dark lipped trend recently bared it's beautifully monstrous head again, I had to find a way to flip the script to let the darkness back into my life, without feeling like I was participating in a horrible Freaky Friday-like experiment.

I achieved this by pretty much living and dying by this picture of Lily Collins when it comes to dark n' lovely lips. Instead of a brown-ish based lip, I favor deep reddish burgundy, like Urban Decay Revolution Lipstick in Shame. For maximum impact, I keep the rest of my mug relatively on the down low and let my lips do the talking. It's like my old school brown lip game, with a new school twist. As for my choker collection, it's been put out to pasture. Sorry, world, I'm not ready.




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Friday, March 7, 2014

Lazy Blogging: Read Something That I Already Wrote

via allure's facebook page
This month for Allure, I funneled all of my crazy, weird love for pop stars into a slideshow all about "10 Beauty Looks Inspired From the 10 Times You Wanted to Be a Pop Princess." Go check it out here.



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Monday, December 2, 2013

Get The Most Out Of That Damn DIY Mani

My life is so effing hard. I really enjoy having beautiful/well-manicured nails, but I can't afford to get professional manis, and I hate taking the time to do that sh*t myself, just to have those mofos chip in 37 minutes. Eff you, nail chips. You're a d*ck.


Don't you worry your beautiful little angel fish face about this, though. Over my years, upon years of working against the man (AKA terrible manicures), I have developed a system that allows nails to be not-so-the-worst. (Yay?)

Keep That Sh*t Fresh to Death.



One of the world's biggest c-blocks to a lasting manicure is oil on your nails that cause premature polish chip-ilation (see what I did there?). The easiest way to wipe out that problematic nonsense is to give your claws the ol' cotton ball swipe with acetone. It will zap the oils from your nails, leaving those b*tches primed and ready for polishing.

Tip: Make this the last step before you start mani-ing. (Don't wash your hands, put on lotion, pet a rapid howler monkey after.)

Get Your Coats Right.


Have you seen the sign? Lasting manicures should start with a(n Ace of) base coat and end with a top coat. After the above acetone wipe, apply a base coat, followed by watching a couple minutes of the Real Housewives franchise of your choice. Then go to town, painting on two coats of your chosen polish. Watch a few more minutes of NeNe Leakes giving it to somebody, then finish off with the top coat, making sure you get that top edge of your nail, just to seal that mess in right. Get it right, get it tight, as instructed by Bubba Sparxxx.

Tip: To help your nails dry faster, run them under really cold water after they've dried a bit.

Cuticle Oil? More Like Beautiful Oil.


creative nail design solar oil, $7.59 (drugstore.com)
I love cuticle oil, man. Not only does it keep your cuticles conditioned, but it also keeps your manicure looking all shiny and sh*t. This CND bad b is my favorite of the cuticle oils, but you can even use olive oil, if that cheap tip is more your style.

Stick It Real Good.


There is one sure-fire way to avoid a chipped ass mani at all costs -- NAIL STICKERS. When they start getting weird and peel-y like, you can peel the stickers off and be on to the next one. Suck at nail art, but want to be a fancy ass? NAIL STICKERS! Hate waiting for polish to dry because you're impatient? NAIL STICKERS, MOFO! You get the idea.

Tip: For best staying power, start with the acetone wipe from the jump off.

Now, go, get out of here! Off to the wild you go, with a hot ass, lasting manicure.


I'll see you kids later.



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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig
After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah
how NOT to have an even skin tone
I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.


The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care
chokers 4 eva
Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety
how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?
Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.


I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.


Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Monday, September 16, 2013

Get Out Your Jnco Jeans, We're Getting Our Rave Sh*t On With CIATÉ Corrupted Neons Nails

I dragged my ancient ass to a music festival this past weekend. I'm probably way too old for all of that hippie effery, but I just can't quit that sh*t.


Anyway, it was the perfect time to give the Corrupted Neons Manicure Sets that Ciaté so kindly sent me a try.

ciaté corrupted neons manicure set, $25 (sephora)

The kit comes with a neon(y) polish, loose glitter, and a top cot THAT GLOWS IN BLACK LIGHT. My annoying ass 17 year old self shopping in the Spencer's Gifts poster section just f*cking died. The finish is kind of rough matte glitter, and it's pretty boss.

from l to r : club tropicana, foam party, shout out, and megaphone
So this is a sh*tty picture, and doesn't really give you any idea of what the polish really looks like, but you can get an idea of an idea. Plus, I used every damn one so I could try to fool festival patrons into thinking that I MIGHT not be an old ass b. (It didn't work.) I think my favorite color was Foam Party, because the glitter was glittery-er...Somewhere on this earth Mariah Carey just threw so much shade at me.


But look at them in the black light! Except for it highlighting the sh*tiness of my manicuring skills, it was pretty, pretty good. Nothing has ever looked this saucy in a black light since water-filled Captain Morgan bottles met highlighters.


And it really wasn't that hard to do. (You know I am incapable of completing difficult tasks.) You paint two coats of polish, dump some glitter on while the polish is still super wet (don't be gross), and add the glowy top coat deal after it dries.


One word of warning -- much like my life, this sh*t can get messy, so do the glitter part over the sink. Other than that, this stuff is a really fun, non-extacy induced way to feel rave-y and nouveau retro.


And my sink doesn't really have black mold, or anything. It's just a dirt filter that cool people use. Check out the whole deal about the Corrupted Neons here.



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Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Breaking Bad (Beauty Habits)

I pretty much can only think about Breaking Bad right now, you guys.

via brbagifs
 With only four episodes left forever ever, I feel like I'm attending a mini funeral every f*cking week. It's almost unbearable. P.S. If you haven't watched this show by now, Christ on a cracker, get your sh*t together and watch it. You can binge watch the whole thing on Netflix. Stop acting like a damn fool.

Anyway, since this blog is supposed to be half beauty sh*t, I actually came up with a way to incorporate my BB obsession and bring some beauty tips into the mix. With that in mind, here's how to finally break your bad beauty habits.

 Stop forgetting sunscreen by using a moisturizer with one already in it. I know that some of your asses are still gallivanting around out there sans sunscreen and doing 80's-type hood rat sh*t with your friends like "laying out."


Number one -- stop that sh*t. You're going to look old. And even if you aren't at the beach on the reg, you still need a moisturizer with sunscreen if your mug meets the sun's rays during the day. And if you're using any skin care products with fancy ass crap like retinols, or other exfoliating madness, you REALLY need a sunscreen. Quit playing with me.

Don't you ever share eyeliners or mascaras. Even in a jam. Sharing eye products is even more gross than sharing lip sh*t, and can easily spread effery like PINK EYE.


Listen, I'm a pretty nasty b*tch, but even I don't eff around with sharing eye makeup. I like to carry a cheap drugstore eyeliner and a mini mascara in my purse to avoid sh*tty situations such as these. Your total cost will be under $5, and YOU WON'T BE GROSS AS F*CK.

If you can't remember to wash your face at night, keep facial cleansing wipes by your bed. Why does washing your face at night feel like you're climbing the friggin' Great Wall of China? I don't know, but I do know that this is me:


And b*tches don't feel like posting up over a sink and scrub-a-dub dubbing all damn night. But, not washing your face at night not only clogs your pores (obvs), IT MAKES YOU AGE FASTER. Mother. F*cker. If you can't wash your face, at least use a cleansing wipe. It's clearly freaking important.

Cure nail biting with glitter nail polish. This DIY cure is a two fold deal. First off, if your nails are that of a bad b*tch, you won't want to eff them up.


Also, NO ONE wants to eat glitter. That just sounds disgusting, even to Ke$ha's ass.

Nails = saved.

Okay, b faces, back to Breaking Bad premonitions/thoughts/theories. And, seriously, if you don't watch this show I WILL CUT YOU.




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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Trash Box Nail Tutorials: Glitter Sand Art Edition

Did you guys ever have on of these sand/glitter deals as a kid?


You would flip it over, and then the sand/glitter mixture would move around and make another boring formation. It was one of those things that was half cool to look at and half thing that your parents bought to shut you up.

Well, today's nail idea is based on these boringly badass art memorabilia.


SOMEWHAT similar, right? Oh, who the eff knows. I literally made this sh*t up five minutes ago. If you happen to want to try this quasi-nail art look yourself, here's what you'll need.


Three glittery nail polishes. I chose Dimepiece and Stun from Floss Gloss, because I effing love the kids, and Follow Me on Glitter from Nicole by OPI from the Kardashian Kollection because I really, really hate myself. Let us never speak of me buying anything Kardashian-related ever again, mmmmkay?

Here's what you do:


Step One -- Paint on the first color about halfway up your nail.

Step Two -- (There's so much we can do. P.S. If you don't click on that link and watch it in its entirety, I hate you.) Paint the second color slightly overlapping the first, and almost to the tip of your nail.

Step Three -- Take the third color, overlap a little with color two, and to the end of the nail.

Step Four -- Take color number one and blur the edges between the first two colors, so it's not a straight, blah ass border between. DONE!

The best way to get an opaque glitter look with one shot with this sh*t is to lay the brush flat on your nail and glob it on. This is a textured look, so you don't want it to be perfect. Go ahead, eff it up a little.


Easiest. Nail. (Kinda) art. EVA.



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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Don't Serve Life for These Beauty Crimes

Holy eff balls, man, being a human lady can be hard at times. It can be really tough to get your ish together beauty-wise, and just live your life like a person. Luckily for you, I've experienced many a beauty tragedy, and I have learned from my grossest mistakes.


Dalmatian-esque Self Tanner Jobs


Poor LL. The tragic victim of the Cheetos 'Stache. (Duck lips are unrelated.)


This is a very common occurrence with those of us who enjoy hitting the bottle of self tanner. Luckily, there is the world's easiest solution to this mess.


Do like this bang-coiffed child and exfoliate your sh*t before you apply your tan. A plain ol' washcloth works best for the bod, but take a little more care with your mug. You don't want to be too harsh and eff your skin up. Just use your brain area and your best judgement. But, I will say that I find a washcloth most effective for removing existing splotchiness, like on Lilo's stubborn upper lip area (or other annoying areas like armpit creases, knees, elbows, etc).

Creased n' Greasy Eyeshadow


Is there a bigger c-block to bangin' ass eyeshadow times than creasing on you lid? Imma go with "no." This is one of the easiest beauty blunders to overcome, and I owe all of that to Urban Decay's Primer Potion ($20). You just need a little dab of this magic to cover your eyelid, and I even use it on my lower lash line to keep eyeliner and such in check. I literally recommend this sh*t to everyone, and I refuse to shut the eff up about it. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

via mrhankey
OCD Nail Probs

I've told you guys before, I don't give two effs about trying to stay in the lines when I paint my nails. It's super pointless and time-consuming. You can have 100% gorgeous and glossy nails, without a steady hand and being a freaky ambidextrous circus performer. Just worry about painting the entirety of those b's, and them let them dry COMPLETELY. After they're dry, take that same raggedy washcloth, or loofah, or whatever deal you want, and scrub the skin around your newly painted nails. IT WILL COME RIGHT OFF. You can feel free on move on about your life, people. This is now a non-issue.


What other beauty probs do you need me to get to solvin'? Sound off in the comments, or send some smoke signals. Whatever. I got you, boo.




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