Tan-talizing Details On Getting A Perfect Faux Tan (I Know I'm The Worst, But I Can't Resist A Dumb Pun)

I am STAUNCHLY anti-sun. Like, don't go outside without a (not-shitty-for-you) sunscreen and a hat, anti.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want it look like the sun has shone on my literal ass every once and a while. After all, at least it makes my mind grapes believe that my cellulite doesn't look at cellulite-y. Just let my baby brain believe things, okay?

Because of all of these neuroses, I have learned to become pretty dependent on self tanners. In fact, I've probably already written a variation of this article 30845092 times before, but I'm really too old to remember (and too lazy to check). Regardless, I've compiled my best tips and products that will give you the easiest and least ridiculous-looking tan known to science. Yeah, science!

Prep Your Mess

Every blog post/article/weird tan person's advice that's ever existed tells you to exfoliate before self tanning. So that's some real 'no doy' advice. But the most effective way to exfoliate pre-tan that I've ever found? A basic bitch washcloth. Use a washcloth to gently scrub your skin in a circular motion, and it will exfoliate like a scrubby little champ.

If you're really adverse to this method, feel free to scrub it up with a body scrub, or whatever, but just avoid using anything that leaves any kind of oily residue. It will way f up your application, and leave you with a faux tan straight out of Splotch City. Another ingredient to avoid is any salicylic acid, or the like. Your tan won't stick, and it will go right down the friggin' drain with your next shower.

Once you're out of the shower, and completely and thoroughly tried off, apply regular lotion to the parts of your body that just love to soak up self tanner like I like to soak up a glass of wine. That includes: feet and ankles, knees, wrists and hands, and elbows. Now go to a cool (temperature, not attitude) and non-steamy room, so you don't sweat your ass off, and it's time to tan.

The Body Rubdown

This post is going to mainly focus on a full-strength fake tan, but that's not the only option. If you prefer to get your lazy on (hey, soul sister!), or just want something not-so-tan, Jergens Natural Glow is a great (and easy) option. Use it daily for a darker result, or every-other-day for something more subtle, you demure lady. No, I won't hold your opera glasses.

If I'm going full stunt queen with the fakery, I'm using St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse. Always and forever. It dries fast as hell, it's really easy to apply, and it has never, ever let me down. The only downside: it will stain the craps out of your palms, so I always apply it with the St. Tropez Mitt, or more recently, plastic gloves. And that's only because I ripped the mitt in several places, because I trash every-friggin'-thing in life. It's my destiny.

So after you've applied the plain lotion to the necessary places, start applying the tanner in a circular motion to your body. To avoid weird creases from bending and gymnastics and such, here's the best order of application: legs and butt, trunk (front and back), and finally arms. We'll deal with the face in a minute. After you've finished with the whole bod, take off the gloves and rub a dab of lotion on each wrist all the way around. This will keep you from having a significant line of tanner that screams, "HEY Y'ALL, LOOK AT ME! MY TAN IS FAKE!"

Now let's move onto the mug.

Face Time

I typically don't just slap self-tanner on my face all willy nilly, like I do with the rest of my body. I mean, you CAN, just make sure that you put moisturizer on your face and neck before, so you don't end up with straight crazy face.

Once again, there are a couple of options when picking your face formula. I usually pick tarte Maracuja Bronzing Serum for gradual color, because I'm just usually not that tan on the body area, and remember, the whole crazy face thing? (Of course you do, my brain still feels shaken and stirred from having that GIF in the periphery of my vision.) And if you're looking for a drugstore option, Jergens also makes a face formula that's pretty decent.

For more of a TAN tan, I really, really love Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Glow Pads. Can you guess why? Yep, it's because they're easy. DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL BY NOW? But they also have all of that good-for-your-skin stuffs. So these are pretty much on little-baby-unicorns-jumping-out-of-your-birthday-cake-levels of good.

Okay, that's it. Go on and bronze yourself silly.

But not crazy face silly. I WILL KNOW.

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Beauty Tricks To Make Yourself Look Like You Give A Sh*t, Even When You Don't

Life is not always mf-ing glitter-covered fairies and glow stick rainbows, you guys. I'm going through one of those mental valleys in life right now, and it's hard for me to find one eff to give about much. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw down the gauntlet, and buy some oversized sweatpants with "I've given up," emblazoned on the ass. When I do make a rare venture out into public, I force myself to at least give the illusion that I'm a productive member of society. Here are my tricks.

Get The Windows To Your Soul Looking Human(ish).

If the eyes really tell all, then (woo-hah!) you better get that all in check. The easiest and most effective way to do this is with a little eyebrow definition/eye highlighting combo. As you can see from the terrifying picture above, the combination of these two things give an instant lifted look to a sad sack eye. Plus, it takes, like, two seconds.

Simply take a concealer that's just a wee bit lighter than your skin, and apply it directly under your eyebrow and under-eye area, patting it in. Finish off by filling in your brows with a neutral eyebrow pencil. Voila! Now no one will ever know what an actual monster I am. Muahahaha!

P.S. Before your ass is all, "The eye picture on the right is just positioned lower than the one on the left, you conniving a-hole," it's one picture. I just put a little line down the center for the extra dramz. Science! 

Ditch The Garbage Pail Kid Hair.

The days that I actually and legitimately wash my entire head of hair are getting few and far between, so I have some tricks in my lazy arsenal to prevent myself from looking squarely in the "that girl might have ACTUAL vaseline in her hair" category. (The threat is very, very real.)

If you're still trying to make wearing your dirty ass hair down happen, the best thing to do is to just wash the front bang area of your mop, then style that section as you normally would. You can treat the rest of your hair with dry shampoo, like this new Herbal Essences Naked (Target, $4.99). It's insanely fragrant, so you won't smell like week-old french fries.

Or maybe your hair is way too far gone down that dirty ol' road to wear it down. I feel you, man. If this is the case, treat your mane generously with dry shampoo and wear it all up in a top knot. Oh, and maybe try washing it tomorrow, if you're up to it, Josie Grossie.

 Keep Lower Maintenance Expectations.

When I'm having an extended period of over-it-itis, I like to keep my expectations and my maintenance lowered.

These are the times that I like to depend on easy beauty products that really just get sh*t done, like the Clinique Chubby Stick Moisturizing Lip Colour Balm in Mega Melon ($17). It's a gorgeous pinky coral color, easy to apply, and has just the right amount of shine.

For eyes, it's all about my samples of Make Up For Ever Aqua Shadows (Sephora, $20) the company sent me forever ago. You literally can't eff up with these things. Rub it around your general eye area and it looks great. And like you tried. And not like you were crying over a Lifetime movie starring Tori Spelling while eating stale Cheetos all day.

When All Else Fails, Red Lipstick.

mac viva glam, $16

At worst, you'll look like an eccentric and mysterious weirdo, with phenomenal taste in lipstick and a penchant for hole-filled "Class of '99" t-shirts and leggings. Just put on huge sunglasses and let the gen pop think you're an Olsen twin.

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How To Look Like A Hot B*tch In Pictures

I don't give an eff if you're taking a selfie (bleh with that word, I'm sorry) or going to be on the cover of Homegirl Weekly, there are some basic rules to keep from looking like a basic b*tch.

Get your skin tone in check. I told you guys a couple weeks ago that one the number one killers to a sexy ass picture is having your face color be "off." There are a few culprits here: sunscreen, translucent powders, and foundation that doesn't match your face.

You may have seen this picture of Miley floating around the interwebs this week, with people thinking that she licked off her makeup with her rogue tongue, but I'm of the camp thinking it's more a translucent powder tragedy. (P.S. Is there a baby safety pin involved above?) Translucent powders often have an ingredient that makes lights (like a flash) reflect back and create a white look. Not f*cking cute.

If you are getting whatever deal photo taken, skip the powder finish and use another finishing option like the Mally Beauty Poreless Face Defender. You'll keep your makeup on your face without having at least this one of Miley's issues.

Figure out your best side. Have you ever noticed how famous b*tches always seem to take photographs from the same angle over and over? That's because those homies know which side is their "hot side."

this is how i'll be on the cover of vogue next month

The easiest way to find your good side is to grab a sheet of printer/letter/prison love note paper and hold it up, covering half of your face, while looking in the mirror. Then move it over to the other side, and check that sh*t. Your good side is the one that looks more lifted and symmetrical. That's the side that you should angle toward the camera, and also the side on which you should part your mop.

Don't skimp on eyeliner and blush, even if you don't usually wear it. NOTHING washes out your damn face more than a camera flash. It's like washing your face with bleach.

To combat that dumb effery, be heavier handed with your makeup application than you typically would, especially with eyeliner and blush or bronzer. Apply the amount you would like to appear to be wearing, then PUT SOME MORE ON. If you don't typically wear that stuff, put it on honey bun, or risk looking like this.

Except sleepier, and with less emphasis on the eyes. Now get to work, b*tch.










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Tales from the Beauty Crypt: The Worst Things I've Ever Done to Myself, and How to Fix These Disasters

Being a semi-old person has its perks, you guys. I've seen some sh*t, done some sh*t, and learned some sh*t.

via mylifethroughkristenwiig

After literally doing some disgusting and horrific things to myself in the name of beauty, I've wised the eff up and I am bringing those lessons to you. Please, learn the errors of my ways, then make fun of my bullsh*t.

Ghost-Faced Killah

how NOT to have an even skin tone

I've only gotten my makeup done twice in my life. The first time was my Junior year Homecoming dance (my dress was a satin/velvet/ballgown-style hideous disaster as seen above), and when we got the pictures back, like you had to do in the olden days of yore, the bottom half of my face was completely white. The makeup artist had used some kind of powder that reflected light and made me look half like a member of Insane Clown Posse in photographs.

The lesson? Photograph yourself in makeup before your pictures, when it comes to big events in your life, to make sure your face is of a humanoid skin tone. You can also check your makeup in whatever light source (outside, fluorescent, starry nights, I don't know your life) you will be in, to make sure it's on the up and up and you don't look crazy as eff.

Whatever Hair, Don't Care

chokers 4 eva

Let me set the semi-awful scene for you for my terrible hair story: It was the late 90's, and sh*t was tacky as hell. I worked in the mall, so I also got my highlights done at said mall. Then I decided to flip the script on my sh*t and told my mall hair stylist to "do whatever she/he (to protect the guilty) wanted to my hair." The above picture is a grown out version of what I got, which was a short, flippy, 40ish woman's haircut. I was about to start my senior year of high school. F*ck. Needless to say, my senior pictures were so bad that I can't even find any to show your asses, and I spent my senior year with a hair full of bobby pins and a baby ponytail, while desperately trying to grow that sh*t out.

Here's the real real on that story -- even if you don't know exactly what you want to do to your hair, there are exactly 34,984,093,489 things that you can do with haircuts and such, so always at least know WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. Save pictures on your phone, rip sh*t out of Cat Fancy; I don't care, just have some ideas when you go in. Talk to your hair stylist about what you like, and don't like, so you don't end up looking mildly OG Kate Gosselin-esque.

Talons of the Acrylic Variety

how did i put effin' contacts into my eyeballs?

Let's be honest, acrylic nails are pretty much a billboard for how to not have an A-1 beauty day. Sadly, I had long ass (and occasionally short ass) acrylic nails on and off for a billion years of my life. And because I'm cheap and poor, I usually went to relatively low-end nail salons. These were the places that use straight up drills with nail files attached on your natural nail. CLEARLY, THAT SHIT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR NAILS.

I probably shouldn't have to say this, but don't let a b use a drill on your damn nails, like, ever. It will thin your nails, and really, really damage that sh*t. Plus, nails are pretty much the one area that I believe that natural is the way to go.

Am I alone in my terrible foolery of beauty past? Please tell me you guys have done hoodrat sh*t, too.

Don't leave a b hanging, tell me all about it in the comments.





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Well, All Five of My Senses Just Rejected Themselves From My Body, So Tan Mom Must Have a New Music Video Out.

You guys, seriously, don't watch this sh*t. It's the actual worst thing.

Tell me about it, Fancy Cat. TM name drops some annoying asses in this mess, like Teen Mom Farrah and Michael Lohan. Why not mention Puck from The Real World while you're at it? I mean, we're just mentioning random ass people, right?

But really, when will this Tan-Mom-trying-to-sing-grossness nightmare end? A kiosk-bought acrylic clip-in pony tail does not a terrible pop star make, Patricia. But I will say that homegirl is totally killing it with the brown lip liner and frosted white lipstick, 1998 style. (Spoiler alert: No, she's not.)

But, I do have a few (least) favorite moments in this sh*t cesspool. Around the 1:55 mark, she she's talking about how she's sober now and says, "Hell no to the no." Most prolific lyric of our generation? Then around 2:09, she drops the bomb on us THAT SHE HAS A SKIN CARE LINE.

But the best part comes at 2:15, where SHE'S WEARING A LACE THONG AND A SMILE. That poor Italian Greyhound probably has a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and permanent ringing of the ears. The only bright spot in this student horror film is the chest hair dude's dance moves. That sh*t on point.

 I know I won't, no matter how much bleach I pour into my ear holes.





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Cures for the Long Weekend Beauty Hangover

I hope you mofos had an amazing ass long weekend, if you had one of those. If you didn't, then sorry for bringing that sh*t up. What a b. I had to work, then I balled out by visiting my Gam Gam, and I also watched a b-hole-load of Arrested Development while doing a lot of this:

So, I wilded the eff out. (No, I didn't.) If you did, in fact, get crunk this weekend, you are probably recovering in some way or another from some kind of unfortunate decision-making that you partook in. But don't worry your sweet ass about anything. I've got your (beauty) solutions covered. Anything else, you might want to have a doctor look at that mess.

Awkward Tan Lines

 
I'm sure a ton of your asses were all laid up on the beach/pool/side of the road/back yard this weekend, soaking up that first bit of summer. Number one: WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN, B's. Looking raggedy in your 20's is not a good look. But it's possible that you got a little careless and missed a couple of applications. You're a human; it happens. (I'm sure mai tai consumption had ZERO things to do with that.) Unfortunately, I really have a severe anti-boner over weird tan lines. It just makes me imagine people wearing this nonsense on a beach, and livin' it up, Ja Rule style.

That is just awkward as sh*t for everyone in your workplace. There's an easy solution for this problem, though. The best thing to do is to take one of those small foam paintbrushes, or a makeup sponge, and paint on a coat or two of self tanner to those tan lines. It will help blur them, at least, if not blend them away completely. Please, I beg of you, don't wear a weird tube top with weird tan lines. Unless you star in some tan line fetish, um, material. In that case, carry the eff on. Get money.

Hamburglar Under Eye Circles

i stole this from an ANGELFIRE page. can't you tell???

Aren't dark ass under eye circles the balls, you guys? No one wants to look like a friggin' corpse bride in this b*tch. And they can be RIDICULOUS to cover. But there is a little trick to covering those a-holes on your face. You have to use a yellow-y concealer to cover anything with a blue undertone, like dark circles. I did makeup in a medi spa for a hot minute, and I had to cover stuff like bruises from Botox and fillers. The best bet was to use the super yellow-toned concealer, and pat it on the bruises, which is essentially what dark circles are. Blend well and cover with a powder that matched your actual skin tone. You'll totally unzombify yourself. It works.

Fried, Insane Hair

Sometimes in life, your hair looks almost like this. Whether it is sun damaged, over-hairsprayed from long nights out, or heat damaged. The easiest and cheapest cure for this is an oil treatment, and I'm not talking V05. I love a good coconut oil hair treatment, but you can also use olive oil if you happen to have it. Rub some between your palms, and apply it to dry hair until it's pretty saturated all over. Leave it on for at least 30 minutes, and then shampoo really well and LIGHTLY condition. Your frizzed out mess will be waaaay more moisturized and manageable. Then you are free to go cook some eggs or some sh*t with the rest of the oil. Don't forget bacon.

No matter what kind of beauty damage you did to yourself this weekend, you can be sure of one thing -- it wasn't as bad as this.



"Whoooot's goin' on?" Chillin', chillin'. Rollin' with the homies. Welcome back to the real world, b*tches.

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