Oscars night was the straw that broke the sexy-haired camel's back. I had coveted Jared Leto's hair for the last damn time. So, I have created a tutorial for Leto's look. Now all of our head hairs can look like a flawless man's mane. Or something.
Today is a day that should be rejoiced, you guys. It's Happy "Out of Yo Mama's Cookie" Day to that sexpot that we call Ryan Gosling. (Okay, so I totally stole that phrase from Sweet Brown's Instagram, but it's perfect. And, yes, I follow Sweet Brown on I.G. -- she's a friggin' treasure. )
In celebration of Gossie's big day, I've created an international viewing party of my favorite R.G. videos, so let our asses start the celebration. This first one shows Ry Ry stripping down to tiny underdrawers...
I don't think that anyone hated that, amiright? Let's now awkwardly move on to videos of yesteryear, back to when Ryan was just a wee, shiny bowl-cutted lad on The Mickey Mouse Club.
Justin totally tried stealing the scene with those lame ass (AKA perfect) overalls and gelled curly side bangs, but today's all about the Gos Sauce, so step the eff off, J mf-ing T.
And just in case you need more baby goose times (get it, Gosling? I'm such a wordsmith.), here's another tiny tot performance, featuring PANTS!
On the real, that dancing was straight dope.
Who knew that Chess King made luxurious silken clothes for tiny children?
I saved my favorite adult time Goss vid for last, even though I've shared this here before. But it's just so damn adorable that it should be cherished on this day of the 'Ling.
You know that your heart just grew three sizes just by watching that.
Happy Birthday, Ryan Gosling! Now go celebrate by popping bottles and doing models, or whatever thing it is you choose to do on your 33rd year of life.
I don't give an eff if you're taking a selfie (bleh with that word, I'm sorry) or going to be on the cover of Homegirl Weekly, there are some basic rules to keep from looking like a basic b*tch.
Get your skin tone in check. I told you guys a couple weeks ago that one the number one killers to a sexy ass picture is having your face color be "off." There are a few culprits here: sunscreen, translucent powders, and foundation that doesn't match your face.
You may have seen this picture of Miley floating around the interwebs this week, with people thinking that she licked off her makeup with her rogue tongue, but I'm of the camp thinking it's more a translucent powder tragedy. (P.S. Is there a baby safety pin involved above?) Translucent powders often have an ingredient that makes lights (like a flash) reflect back and create a white look. Not f*cking cute.
If you are getting whatever deal photo taken, skip the powder finish and use another finishing option like the Mally Beauty Poreless Face Defender. You'll keep your makeup on your face without having at least this one of Miley's issues.
Figure out your best side. Have you ever noticed how famous b*tches always seem to take photographs from the same angle over and over? That's because those homies know which side is their "hot side."
this is how i'll be on the cover of vogue next month
The easiest way to find your good side is to grab a sheet of printer/letter/prison love note paper and hold it up, covering half of your face, while looking in the mirror. Then move it over to the other side, and check that sh*t. Your good side is the one that looks more lifted and symmetrical. That's the side that you should angle toward the camera, and also the side on which you should part your mop.
Don't skimp on eyeliner and blush, even if you don't usually wear it. NOTHING washes out your damn face more than a camera flash. It's like washing your face with bleach.
To combat that dumb effery, be heavier handed with your makeup application than you typically would, especially with eyeliner and blush or bronzer. Apply the amount you would like to appear to be wearing, then PUT SOME MORE ON. If you don't typically wear that stuff, put it on honey bun, or risk looking like this.
Except sleepier, and with less emphasis on the eyes. Now get to work, b*tch.
I love this picture so much that I can't even handle it. We've got my fashion idol, Richard Simmons, Sookie, and stupid-faced Bill all in one picture. My heart wants to explode with love and disdain. Richard's life has totally been made by this ish for some reason -- look at his face. And Sookie and Bill are looking smug as eff; like they can't wait to laugh about this mess on the ride back to their vampire mansion. Rude. But I think that Richie got mixed up on the premiere date for that HBO Liberace movie and made that hot ass vest from his guest bedroom duvet on the fly. Or like he's taken a part time job as a wedding dress consultant, in hopes that he can be on next season's Say Yes to the Dress. (Don't listen to me. I'm just jealous that I didn't think of those ideas.)
Here's a shocker for you all, I'm sure -- I don't have kids. I mean, can you imagine? Me, shaping tiny humans' minds? Probs not great. But I might be forced into breeding if it means I get to watch MORE of my favorite hot b, Jon Hamm. Especially when that sexy vanilla push-up pop is all bearded up. Hamm-ster just turned millions of ladies' oven switches to 'ON' with this little stunt of popping up on Sesame Street. Great job in causing mass chaos due to overpopulation of anywhere that has PBS, JON.
P.S. It's probably illegal for me to enjoy watching this in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.
Ali Cat was at a Lakers game, or some boring sports-related ish, last night. And you can rest your damn weary, downtrodden mind (and eyeballs) because A Skar Skar is still hot as eff.
Why so serious, boo? Psshaw, like I a give a damn. Your broody, cold demeanor is half the reason I love your ass.
He's drinking beer (So American!) with a European football shirt on (So Exotic!) with his legs firmly crossed (So European!). But furrreal, why don't American dudes cross their legs like this? 'Merica.
And let's just pretend that this is some kind of sexual reenactment of some sort. A b can dream, right? Keep that hot flowing, Xander. Keep that sh*t up. Only three months until True Blood, and I can straight stalk your ass.
Oh hey, here's MPG filming that show he's on with the skater dude from Clueless. (I can't be bothered to know actual, real information.) But I do have eyeballs, and they can tell me that Mark-Paul is still a hot ass b, even sans the inappropriately huge cell phone and Sun-In-esque highlights. Dare I say, boo boo is HOTTER than in his Saved by the Bell days?MPG's giving me Dylan McKay lite vibes here, so that's obviously right up my sexual healing alley. And that light oil chest sheen? Okay, I need to stop.
I am completely and utterly into Judge Judith Scheindlin. She's the sassiest b that ever b-ed, and I cannot get enough of her. But apparently, I'm a terrible stalker, because I MISSED HER 70TH EFFING BIRTHDAY. It was in October, and she shared some of her B-day festivus photos on that Katie show. And here her Honor is, in a BIKINI, like a mofo boss. And guess what? B looks guuuurd. JJ says she keeps the sexy strong with diet and exercise. Oh, please. You know she burns 99% of her calories with sass alone.
Seriously, that's a hot b. I can only take solace in the fact that she wearing a scrunchie in a non-ironic way. But it's probably so her hair won't get damaged. Damn. I have roughly nine years to get my body looking this guuuurd. I bet BB didn't eat rice and chocolate for dinner. AFKLSFHJLFH.
P.S. She also has four kids (or something, I'm not googling that mess). I might as well hang it up.