Jennifer Love Hewitt Sent Matt Damon A Bed, Reached A Solid 8.5 On The Creeper Scale

I haven't been shy about my feelings re: JLH being a super-kook. Don't get me wrong, it's a lovable brand of kook. It's not like homie is hiding in the backseat of gas station patron's cars with a hook on her hand, or anything. (Is that the plot from I Know What You Did Last Summer?) She's not that flavor of kook.

Side note -- can some decision maker-type from VH1 make Flavor of Kook into a Flava Flav franchise? I would 100% watch whatever the shit that show would be about.

Anyway, back to J Love's weird ways. The world's most beautiful creep was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel a couple days ago, and she shared a pretty Creepy McCreepsalot story about sending a bed (bed topper? it's unclear to me, due to my lack of fancy) to a lonely Matt Damon as a creepy salve to his sad heart.

First off, this was over ten years ago, so Matt Damon was in his prime sexy-ass days. Dude was most likely drowning in the women's bathing suit area parts. Like, all of the parts.

He probably didn't have a bed because he broke them all doing sex with people, Love.  I wouldn't worry.

Also, maybe save all of that Party of Five money. Scott Wolf might need an air mattress one day, or something.

Also (part II), please stop sending shit to other famouses that you don't know. It's unusual at best. Matt Damon probably thought the bed thingy was stuffed with a mixture of both of your hair clippings that you stole from his barber's dumpster and mixed together in your basement, like a weirdo hair Heisenberg. It's too much.

P.S. Scott Wolf is still pretty damn hot, in a Michael J. Fox's cousin type of way.



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Watch This To Learn How To Make Sexy Eye Contact With People (JK, How To Look Like An Extreme Creep)

Here's how to pick up a nice young lady at the grocery store, according to this dude:

Step one: Stand in the makeup aisle, like any broseph is wont to do. (Bonus points for double embellished shirt status.)
Step two: This.

Step three: Talk, therefore closing the ol' pickup dealio. (He looks like he says "dealio.")
Step four: Get shanked with a mascara wand. Probably your weirdo eye.

Annnnnnd scene.

If any guy has happened upon this blog, I'm sure you were innocently googling something like "big ass porn," (it happens a lot). But while you're here, just head this warning: PLEASE NEVER, EVER (never, ever? never, ever.) DO THIS SHIT.

There's only one exception.

 

Okay, two exceptions.

If your name is Rick, and you're eyeball pervin' to try to telepathically tell me to get more hams and direct me promptly toward the oversized Hershey's Chocolate Bar for bonus points, peep creep away. Peep creep away, Rick. All soul windows on deck.



via reddit


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Let Us All Collectively Scream, "NOOOOOO," Because Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are, Like, Really Together.

pic via us weekly

You literally CANNOT tell me that the picture above doesn't look like a scary, sun-weathered hobo abducting a beautiful, unicorn-riding princess. It's actually impossible. Your brain-to-mouth waves won't allow you to live a lie like that.

I've been living in a deep hole (heh) of denial for the past couple of weeks, hoping against hope that the rumblings of these two sitting in a tree were all a big fat lies. But there's no denying that it's true now. Thanks a bunch, US Weekly.

This is terrible news, you guys. If an expired bag of beef jerky, left out in the sun for seven months can find themselves with a stunning alien queen of a human, then what else is possible? I just googled "are monsters real," just to make sure I'm not living in a world that's gone mad. I'm not even the only one wondering. Or maybe it's just opposite day? (month? life?) I can't deal with this world if this is real, real.

via realitytvgifs

Bottoms up, b*tches.




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Another of My Infamous MAHH-JOR Celebrity Run-Ins: 80's Fruit Edition

I had another celebrity sighting today, you guys. This one involved a comedy giant from the 80's...

That's right, people. I saw mother effin' GALLAGHER today in this b. If you are under 30, you might be all, "Whaaaaat?" So here's a little run down. My homeboy was a big prop comic (think Carrot Top without the eyeliner and ginge) that was best known for smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer. Are you LMFAO-ing yet? Anyone?

Fast forward to today. I'm working my day-to-day retail job (yes, I have one of those) and in walks Gallagher. I recognized that b immediately, but obvs said nothing to him. I'm only passive aggressively creepy as eff. But boo boo did leave a little something behind that completely confirmed my suspicions.

Yep, I photographed a stranger's used coffee cup. I have hit a new all-time low. Although the server at Bob Evans (He likes Bob Evans, you guys!!! Just like regular people.) had a tiny bit of trouble with the spelling, here is the complete confirmation that I'm a total on the street paparazzi.

I bring you ALL of the hot, breaking news. Be jealous. Sigh...

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And Now, for the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Written...

 I have a weird brain. These strange things just pop into my head at times, and I don't know where the eff they come from. If I lived in the 50's I'd probably be forced into having electroshock therapy right now.

The other day, I'm sitting around, and I think, "You know who I'd like to date? Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast."

That's my man.

I mean he's such a gentleman. You know he would be so accommodating. (Be our guest, and all that ish.) And that b is French! He's a butler (or something), so he can clean.

Lumiere is my number one pick of the NON-HUMAN DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DATE. (You can stop reading at any time. I know that there's something wrong with me.) Now before you call the FBI or something, I'm not talking about sexual weird crap. I don't need to be on My Strange Addiction. I'm not in love with the Eiffel Tower or anything. But...

Sexy.

My second pick is the Genie from Aladdin. He can grant you wishes, and has some badass gold bracelets I'd like to borrow. The con? He's voiced by Robin Williams. Um, nevermind. I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire...Or do I?

Yep, he's a bird.

My next non-human BF is Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. He's funny, and gives girls shiny presents. Actually, he might be a pimp. Be on alert.

Look at those tassels!

The last dude (?!?) on my list is the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. He can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. And the b can't talk. Are there any downsides?

Are you guys repulsed by me now? Or do you think that I missed someone (thing)? Please don't say something gross like the Tramp or Pinocchio. I can't even with that mess.



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Aaaaaand I'm Done.

I've had a slight obsession with Hot Stoddy for a while, but sadly it's been tapering off in the past few months. I don't think I can handle this b anymore. I love a hot, hot mess, but this ish is getting to insane levels of gross.

I can't watch this video without feeling like I am complicit in some kind of illegal something or other. And this isn't even close to being the worst.  C Stodd has a YouTube Channel featuring some full-fledged creepy ish. A video of her jumping rope in lingerie and a 'countdown' (Until her 18th Birthday, natch. Bleh.) video in which she moans (Literally.) about her foot hurting are some of the material included. It's all pretty nauseating.

So sorry, Courtney. I'm not going to use the old "It's not you, it's me" thing. It's you and your creepy deal. (Deal = Husband) I wish the best for you, and hope you get placed with a nice foster family soon. One that believes in wearing clothes.



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So You Know You're at a Dr. Suess Movie Premiere, Right?

Well lookie here, butter beans. Zac Efron dropped a gold wrapped condom at The Lorax movie premiere. WHICH IS AN ANIMATED CHILDREN'S MOVIE. I have several thoughts on this:

1. A gold wrapper usually means it is a Magnum size. (Don't pretend you w's don't know what that    means. We're all trash here.) Yeah, no.

2. SOME PEOPLE (ahem, me) think that ol' Zacy poo *allegedly* wanted to use said condom for random hook ups with random hot men that might be attending The Zorax premiere (????).

3. SOME PEOPLE (side eye) think that the only other possibility is that Zac wanted to make balloon animals for orphans attending the movie. (Zac's PR people are feverishly typing excuse emails containing this explanation. You're welcome, b's!)

4. Last possibility: That cold hearted minxy snake Taylor Swift planted that mess in her co-stars pocket. Don't let her new bangs fool you. I see you, Swift.



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My Computer Just Updated...

And this was one of my tabs recovered when my computer restarted. I feel like I'm probably flagged by the FBI now.


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