Sex Up Your Eyes In One(ish) Step

Last week, I told you how to make your face that of a bad mofo in a snap. This week, we're going on the world's shortest magical journey from blah eyeballs to sexy time orbs. Get your freak on.

This is where we are starting. With a face that says, "I'm a perfectly nice person. Everything is fine." And also maybe, "I'm a woman of a certain age and I need several catnaps."

Luckily, we can kick up the sexy in (almost/kind of) one step. Just grab your favorite black eyeliner and meet me back here. I'll be using the Maybelline Master Kajal in Onyx Rush that CVS Beauty Club sent me a while back, but you can use whatever the hell you feel like, as long as it's black and sensual. (I don't know what that means, per se.)

First, line your upper and lower waterlines and your upper lash line.

Then smudge only the upper lash line. Now here's the biggest part: Take a matte black shadow and pat it on both your waterline and your upper lash line. This will not only keep that shit from wandering all about your face (especially if you're an oily flower like myself), but will up the boldness by several notches. Like 37 notches. Well-endowed notches.

That's it! Sexual realness in (mostly) one step. I know, you're all, "But it's just smudgy black eyeliner." Kind of, but that last eyeshadow step is what makes those peepers look like your residential address is 1234 Sexy Mofo Lane, Smolder, Colorado. I promise your sweet ass.

The finished product has my face saying, "I work part-time as a sex machine. Or something. But not WORK work." Well, in my case it says more, "I have no idea how to be sexual and I still need a damn nap," but you get the point.

And just in case you forgot what my OG mug looked like, here's a little comparison. Okay, I now totally get why people are all, "Are you sick? Is it the Black Plague? Should I leave?" when I don't wear eyeliner. I GET IT NOW, WORLD. I GET IT.

via realitytvgifs

It won't happen again.








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Nic Cage Wore A CRAZY ASS Outfit To A Guns N' Roses Concert

via gnr's facebook

Nicolas Cage showed up to a GNR concert wearing this insane shit this weekend. Just soak it all in for a moment. Oh, and Andrew Dice Clay was also in attendance, because of course.

Maybe we should get a closer look at all of this effery. And, yes, that's Nic Cage's meme face on Nic Cage's shirt.

Here's a checklist of what we're dealing with here:

1. An Ann Taylor Loft blazer
2. A well-formed cowboy hat
3. Henry VIII's hand jewels and cane thing
4. Sunglasses inside
5. All of your gam gam's "fancy" necklaces at once
6. A possible holster/fringed chaps (assless-ness unknown)
7. HIS OWN FACE
8. Red wine teeth (I'm assuming)

This is what this outfit just did to my eyeballs:

Thanks, outfit.



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What To Do When You Legit Hate Your Hair, And How To Fix That Hot Mess

I've been living through a silent struggle for the past couple of months, you guys. When I moved to Phoenix, I faced a huge ass dilemma -- I was leaving behind a bomb ass hair stylist. One that I completely trusted with ever single hair on my damn head. I wasn't too worried though, because Phoenix is a bigger city filled with salons. There have to be amazing hair people here, right?

I went to two salons semi-close to my house within my first couple of months here. The first one was okay, but I wasn't in love. I was in "meh" hair purgatory. By the time I hit up the second salon, I had run into actual trouble.

This is the picture that I brought to the stylist at the second salon. I told her that I had been having nightmares about getting streaky, chunky highlights in the nights before I had come to see her. She laughed it off, but my ass must be a psychic, because that's exactly what I left with.

I really don't even have a proper picture of what my hair looked like. I didn't take any pictures that included my hair during the last month (except for the one further down this post, which doesn't even show how truly bad it was), and it wasn't a coincidence. The top of my head looked like a love child of Tony the Tiger's circa 1997 -- striped and brassy orange. And my hair felt like straight sh*t. Capt'n Crunch, party of mf-ing one. (Who's up for a round of cereal now?) I couldn't even think of doing tutorial videos or pictures, and I took to wearing my hair in a bun whenever I left the house. The struggle was real.

I quickly developed a strategy to turn this trainwreck hair situation around, and developed some tips on how to handle a hair massacre if it happens to you.

Try to Salvage What You Have

Eufora's Beautifying Elixirs Damage Cure Clay Masque, $39

Because my hair was crispier than a delicious plate of french fries, I asked Eufora to send me a sample of their Damage Cure Clay Masque to try to get my sh*t back on track. I've been using it once or twice a week after using a cleansing conditioner for the past few weeks. I like to leave it on for about 20 minutes with a shower cap and a warm towel on my hair. So, like a boss.

It has literally saved my hair from just quitting this b*tch and jumping off my head. After using this stuff I could actually comb through my hair and not cry pain tears. It's great. Plus, it's pepperminty and tingly on your scalp. Because it's a repairing masque, use it twice a week, max, so you don't overload your hair with proteins and such. If you are in a crispy situation of your own, you can find out where to get the goodness for yourself here.

Find One Million Pictures of Styles and Colors You Like

I am not exaggerating when I say that I collected over 20 pictures of highlights that I liked while mulling over my own tragic hair. The more specific you can be about what you are looking for the better off your mop will be. Your idea of golden blonde might be a hop, skip, and a bus ticket to Brass Town, USA away from the hair stylist's. The more you can demonstrate what you want (and what you don't), the better off you'll be. Trust.

Do Your Research, and Find Someone You Can Trust

This is the hard part. Maybe your bad hair sitch came from someone you actually know, and see on the reg. If that's the case, contact them IMMEDIATELY and let them know you aren't into what's happening on your head. Maybe there was a miscommunication with what you wanted and they can fix it without any issue or hard feelings. 

If your case is like mine, and some rando jacked your ish, start trying to find someone with capable hands to take on your case. Keep an eye out for great heads of hair you see on the gen pop, ask around, and research like you're trying to track down Carmen Sandiego. I did a TON of googling/yelping/twittering/looking for a salon that had a blog (it shows me that they are passionate about hair) before I settled on David Frank Salon. When I called to make my appointment, I let them know that I was currently hating on my own hair and what I didn't like about it. That way the salon knows what they're getting into before they even see your head.

I am LOVING my current hair status, thanks to David on color and Haley on cut from David Frank Salon. I was super-specific about what I wanted and hated, and they totally delivered exactly what I what I was looking for. Gone are the brassiness and insane stripes, and I'm left with the natural balayage look that I originally was seeking. Victory at last!

So don't worry, you can fully expect me to be back to my normal schedule of annoying selfies and terrible tutorial videos now. How do you guys survive your bad haircut and color traumas? Share your brains!

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Quick Sh*t: Watch Vin Diesel Lip Synching To Katy Perry And Dancing To Beyoncé All By His Lonesome. In Cargo Shorts. #Surfboard

Post by Vin Diesel.

If that didn't make you feel uncomfortable, then you are probably Superman, and therefore, invincible. Congratulations.

P.S. I see that Vin is still trying to make tank tops and camo cargo shorts happen, like it's 2004 all over again. Yay?


via Vin's Facebook page


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Let Us All Collectively Scream, "NOOOOOO," Because Charlize Theron And Sean Penn Are, Like, Really Together.

pic via us weekly

You literally CANNOT tell me that the picture above doesn't look like a scary, sun-weathered hobo abducting a beautiful, unicorn-riding princess. It's actually impossible. Your brain-to-mouth waves won't allow you to live a lie like that.

I've been living in a deep hole (heh) of denial for the past couple of weeks, hoping against hope that the rumblings of these two sitting in a tree were all a big fat lies. But there's no denying that it's true now. Thanks a bunch, US Weekly.

This is terrible news, you guys. If an expired bag of beef jerky, left out in the sun for seven months can find themselves with a stunning alien queen of a human, then what else is possible? I just googled "are monsters real," just to make sure I'm not living in a world that's gone mad. I'm not even the only one wondering. Or maybe it's just opposite day? (month? life?) I can't deal with this world if this is real, real.

via realitytvgifs

Bottoms up, b*tches.




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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Lil' Waynes NEWEST Face Tattoo. (The Old Ones are Kind of Grandfathered in, I Guess.)

pic via spin

I mean, I really didn't even think that this needed to be said, but apparently, it does: Tattooing sh*t on your face is not a great idea. Not only did Lil' Wayne (Side note -- how long in life can one be known as "Lil'" whatever? Is there an age cap on that? I feel like if you are a septuagenarian, or something, it's gone on far too long.) get another face tattoo, but this one reads "BAKED" in squares. It's apparently in reference to a skateboard company competitor? Or something? I don't know, you go try to figure that mess out. I'm far, far too old to know what the eff all of this means.

One thing that I do feel pretty, pretty confident about is not getting a tattoo...on your face. Especially when it's a possible advertising ploy. Like, you realize that is your FACE face, right? And you already have a bunch of OTHER tattoos on that b? You only have one forehead, Lil'. Let's not make it a cluttered Penny Saver advertising page. IT'S YOUR FACE, MAN.

via realitytvgifs

You look crazy.



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GUUUUUURL of the Day: Keanu Reeves' Turrible, Turrible Facial Hair

pic via celebitchy

Keanu Reeves is a hot ho, but homeboy is pushing the damn limits in this b. That facial hair looks like he shaved a nutria and glued its hair on his face, and not even particularly well. That ish is NOT an effin' complement.

I haven't seen a beard this bad since Justin Timberlake's neckbeard of circa '07.

That crap made rage boil inside my veins. Don't look surprised, Timberlake. You know you look like a friggin' asshat. Gross beards are the Devil's playground, and that is my public service announcement for dudes that are fighting the hot. Clean it up, fellas. Not. Cute. And for that, Keanu, you and your old timey hobo beard are the GUUUURL of the day.

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