There have been some hot, hot messes of moments in beauty history. Most of them occurred in the 80's or 90's, which means people were photographing the hell out of them. (YES!) I have cultivated a list of the best of the worst, and included pictures of myself rocking these horrors. You. Are. Welcome.
Crimped Hair
Why in the hell were crimpers even invented? Someone please tell me. That ish is disgusting. So someone said, "You know what I want? My hair to look rumpled, frizzy, and fried ALL OVER." And sadly, some b's are still trying to make the all-over crimp happen.
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| C. Aggs, during her Dee Snyder phase. |
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| Me, in my hot b phase. |
Sperm Brows
If you have read this blog even once, you probably know about my unnatural love for eyebrows. So I feel personally affronted when people massacre the hell out of their poor, defenseless brow. I call those puny, over-tweezed eyebrows (or lack thereof), sperm brows. Because they look, well, like a spermatozoa. (Or at lease that's what I learned in 8th grade. I haven't looked at a magnified petri dish, or anything.
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| I don't know where to rest my eyes, so I'll just pick the sperm brows. |
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Pam Anderson has been a decades long offender of this crime. Um, I have nothing nice to say. Let's move on.
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| My own tweezer happy time. |
Mine weren't code red on the insane scale or anything, but not great.
Body Glitter
Seriously, you guys. I effing HATE body glitter. Is anything more annoying and gross? That ish gets every-damn-where, and it is just plain ridiculous looking.
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| Dancing with the BLEEEHS and glitter. |
And in reality, this is what that crap ends up looking like.
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| Now THIS is gorgeous. |
In my deep, deep quest through the magical forest that is google image searches, I found some wonderful pictures featuring body glitter.
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| I wish the black bar was over the body glitter, pregnant lady. |
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| I want to slap the sh*t out of this person. |
I want to go shower right now. Sorry, I don't have any pictures of myself slathered in glittery gel made by Wet n' Wild. (Duh, that's the kind I had.)
Big Ass Bangs
If you had two hairs to Aquanet together in the 80's, chances are you had bangs that looked like ish. I know that I have roughly 203840392 pictures of myself with big ass bangs, each one more unfortunate than the other. If you weren't alive during this gorgeous trend, let's delve into what this horrible mess actually looked like. (And you shouldn't be reading this terrible blog, young lady/man!)
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| A typical big ass bang. Hot. |
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| I blame this trend on Step On Me Tanner. EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT. |
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| Yep. Here I am. |
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| OH. MY. GOD. |
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| Like a damn boss, this one. |
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| If you can tear your eyes away from my ribbon, check it. |
You are welcome, for all of that.
Chunky Highlights
This trend started in the very early 2000's, and some people are sadly still doing the chunky highlight, to my dismay. The point of a highlight is to get that natural, sun kissed look to the hair. Can we all agree that this mess needs to be put to rest?
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| Kelly Clarkson, the OG of this trend. |
Not good, you guys. Not good.
Brown Lipstick/Lip Liner
I was all up on the dark brown lip in the late 90's. That was my jam. Could anything be MORE unflattering? Let's see:
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| Adding a choker's not helping, C-Dog. |
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| My choker's not helping this sitch, either. But those nails are! |
The only lip offense worse than the dark brown lipstick is its more horrifying cousin, the brown lip liner.
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| No wonder Eminem wrote all of those rude ass songs about his wife. |
This is seriously what that crap looks like:
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| Like you just came from a $450,000 crack party. |
Now for an added bonus, here are some flawless examples of glamor. Think of it as a little extra beauty credit.
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| I just met you, and this is crazy... |
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| I don't even know what is happening here. |
And I leave you with one final picture of myself, looking like a tiny, tiny 90's Eastern European man. I can't even explain why I ever looked this way.
I am not ready for that jelly. Wow. Please make me feel a little less sh*tty about my beauty journey and post your own beauty messes in the comments.
I hate myself. My shame spiral continues.
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